The Great Indoors (2016) s01e11 Episode Script

1 [elevator bell dings.]
Morning, good-lookin'.
Jack, I know we have intense feelings for each other, but we got to keep things professional.
Agreed.
All right, Mighty Ducks, here's the goal of today's assignments meeting.
Make it our shortest ever assignments meeting.
Got it.
I'll just get to the part where I discuss my dreams.
So there I was, guys Oh, and by the way, I'm a horse.
JACK: Okay.
No dreams! No dreams.
I'm way too busy trying to figure this out.
- Have you tried turning it on? - Did you try plugging it in? You do know it's a computer, right? I'm talking about my next big story.
Roland's been breathing down my neck for a hit, which is why I should be writing instead of baby-sitting.
I resent that.
Oh.
no, I spilled juice on my shirt! ROLAND: Jack, I hope you're not putting undue pressure on yourself for a hit, because that's my job.
I need a hit! Don't worry.
I'm halfway through a story about a Brazilian logging company that's been operating illegally inside of a national park.
This story could be huge.
Possibly NPR huge.
Well, as long as you're hoarding all the good ideas to yourself, I think a little less talky-talky, and a bit more more typey-typey.
Again, not to put pressure on you, but [breathing heavily.]
Did you literally just breathe down my neck? [laughing.]
: I did, yeah.
Do I smell margaritas? You do.
All right, new features.
Oh, right.
The missing Bengal tiger - from the Illinois Wildlife Sanctuary.
- Ooh, me! Me! Me! - Me! Me, me, me, please.
Me! Me! Me! - Mason! - Yes! - Put this on the board under "Jack.
" Jack, you already have more stories than you can finish.
Why don't you let us write a good one? JACK: You guys don't have enough experience yet.
Here's a Mason.
"Get video of baby goat at Berkshire Family Farms"? Just remember, Derek Jeter started out playing T-ball before he got to have sex with all those models.
All right.
I'm gonna go write.
See you later.
Oh, Clark, that's for you.
See ya.
"Investigate local dry cleaner for polluting river.
While there, pick up Jack's wool blazer.
" Yeah! Clark's on the board! Ugh! Everything okay, Emma? Yeah.
It's just this guy I've been seeing.
[groans.]
: Oh! I mean, I like him, but I just don't think he gets me.
He suggested we go to dinner and a movie.
What am I, 28? Well, I think you deserve somebody who gets you.
Isn't that right, Clark? Of course, Mason.
But it takes time to get to know someone, so give him another shot.
He could be the one! What am I doing?! Thanks, Clark.
And here I was about to dump him.
[groans.]
: Oh! Dude, you like her.
What was that? What am I supposed to do? Just tell the girl that I'm in love with to break up with the guy she's unsure about? That's exactly what you should do! I wish it were that easy, my friend.
[elevator bell dings.]
- Esther.
- Yeah.
Now that's that unspoken sexual tension I'm talking about.
Jack, amazing news.
Mason found him! Found whom?! Goats don't shed, so you can let 'em sleep in the bed.
At least in theory.
MASON: That's weird.
That's a lot of meat.
Aren't goats vegetarians? [goat bleating.]
Oh, no.
Wait! MAN: Hey, you can't go in there! Hey, stop! Whoa! Hold on.
Is that the missing tiger from the wildlife sanctuary? [laughing.]
: Oh.
Y'busted! [applause and cheering.]
Mason found the missing tiger.
But what about that goat footage I asked for? Let's watch that video again! Guys, guys, calm down.
No.
This is big.
We need to get this up on the Web site ASAP.
Along with an article describing what happened.
- On it.
- What? No.
Not you.
The people are going to want to hear this from Mason.
But this is the big hit I was after.
And do you know, it's extraordinary, Jack, 'cause I thought it would come from you.
But it didn't, did it? It came from Mason.
Mason, do it again.
Oh, you mean, uh, y'busted! [cheering.]
Yeah! [explosive pops, birds squeal.]
[phone ringing through.]
All right, Baby Gap, the goal of today's status meeting Make it our shortest ever status meeting.
Got it.
So I'm on a pirate ship.
Except I'm not a pirate.
I'm a horse.
No dreams! All right, we all have work to do, so, um Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, but I have to show you guys something.
This guy quoted my article.
MAN [on TV.]
: Goodwin splits the defense, reverses for the lay-up and Goodwin, y'busted! Oh! Oh! Mason is blowing up! His tiger video already passed one million views, and people are going crazy for that article he wrote.
It's basically promoting itself.
Not like Jack's in-depth think pieces where I'm all like, "Hey, read this.
" And people are like, "Do I have to?" And I'm all like, "Come on, please!" And people are like, "But I don't want to!" And I thought you were annoying when you were only half the conversation.
- All right, so - MASON: Oh, my God! That weird Slovakian YouTube kid did a song about me! - No - Way! [upbeat tune plays.]
Oh, my God, stop! The words don't even match his lips! So Mason accidentally found a tiger, and now we're treating him like Woodward and Bernstein.
Those old dudes from The Muppets? Okay, we're all proud that Mason wrote a great article about that tiger, but now we need him to follow it up with a great article about "Sand: A History.
" [singsongy.]
: Guess what just arrived for the online store.
Hint it's from T-Shirts, T-Shirts, T-Shirts.
Is it pants? Well, this is a surprise.
Just kidding.
I made 'em myself! EMMA: Hey, I could give this to my boy for his birthday.
I mean, if we're still dating then.
Of course you'll still be dating, Emma.
You have to fight for love.
What is wrong with me? I don't get it.
"You're busted.
" It's not even a good catchphrase.
Oh, well, no, not the way you're saying it.
It's, "Y'busted.
" Do you hear the difference? Okay.
"You're busted" No, thank you.
But "Y'busted.
" Oh, yes, please.
Heads up! Okay.
Mason, you and I are having a talk today.
Unless you're too busy having a meeting about "y'busted" ring tones.
No, I can move that.
So, have you told Emma you like her yet? Nah, I haven't really found the time.
Also, it's terrifying.
You can't keep that stuff down, man.
It's gonna come out one way or the other.
Why don't you take your mind off it and grab that girl a beer? My hands are full making my signature rosé.
Hey, let me get you a beer.
Thanks.
I needed this.
I'm having major doubts about this guy I'm seeing.
Ditch him! You are a strong, independent, Asian woman.
He doesn't get you.
Dinner and a movie? What are you, 28? Oh.
Sorry I'm late.
I got recognized three times on the way over here.
Well, four if you include the lady who thought I was Michael B.
Jordan.
Ugh! Your generation ruins everything.
You even have a worse Michael Jordan.
[sighs.]
So [sighs.]
what do you want to talk about? Okay, here's the thing.
Sometimes when a writer gets some heat, it's easy to get cocky.
But you have to be careful not to rest on your laurels, because before you know it, you wake up and realize you're yesterday's news.
Oh, I was wondering what this was about.
You want help on your article.
What's that now? I'm happy to take a look, maybe give it a blast of that Mason sauce.
I'm not asking for advice.
I'm giving advice.
I'm trying to help you here.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I just figured because you haven't had a hit in so long that you wanted help on Oh, so you have one hit, and now you think you're Burt Bacharach.
You know what? I'm making it worse.
Obviously, y'threatened, and why wouldn't you be? Did you just say, "Y'threatened?" [chuckles.]
I felt threatened when a bull shark swam by me in the Great Barrier Reef.
I felt threatened when Clark first learned my home address.
But you having one fluke article That does not threaten me.
Then why are you flexing so hard? I'm not flexing.
I'm just naturally yoked.
Look, I'm just saying, you're having a moment.
Don't let it go to your head.
I've been doing this for 20 years.
That's why I'm the face of the magazine.
Y'got it? [elevator bell dings.]
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Sorry, Jack.
I'm not flirting with you anymore.
I'm flirting with Mason.
Not you.
Mason.
You took my poster down?! Are you drunk?! Well, I suppose I shouldn't operate heavy machinery, but I could probably drive home without incident.
You mustn't take these things personally, Jack.
The magazine has to stay on top of what's hot, and at the moment, nothing's hotter than young Mason.
You could light a wet cigar off that Mason.
Hey, Dad, check out these bobble-heads.
Ah! [both laughing.]
Hi, Jack.
Is that Mason? It's a bit racist, isn't it? Not if it is Mason.
Aah.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I know you take issue with all of this, but as a business, we have to capitalize on this moment.
MASON'S VOICE: Y'busted! Y'busted! Y'busted! [beep.]
And it-it doesn't mean that you're any less valuable to the magazine.
Y'busted.
Y'busted.
- Y'busted.
- Sorry.
I better get this.
It might be Mason.
He saved one tiger.
You know, they're not even that endangered.
I understand how hard it is for you to share the spotlight.
Don't forget there was a time when I was the face of the magazine.
"How Global Cooling - Will Kill Us All.
" - Yeah, right, my-my point is there always comes a time when you have to let others take a turn.
You're a leader now.
You're in charge of a team.
Mason doesn't need a rival, he needs a mentor.
And a drug dealer.
When you get famous, you're the one who has to bring in the nose candy.
I see what you're doing.
Reverse psychology to get me to work harder, deliver a hit to get my poster back up in the lobby.
That's the exact opposite of what I've been saying.
Oh-ho, okay, now, you're doing it again.
Yeah.
Okay.
My article about logging will be on your desk in the morning.
I'm worried about you.
Oh-ho, no, you're not.
So that's why I say you got to kick that loser to the curb, baby face.
I just came up here for napkins.
But now that you say it, maybe I have been married too long.
Getting pretty comfortable giving advice.
I need some.
I have a guy helping me, but he doesn't really listen to the customers, he kind of just vents his own issues.
Mm-hmm.
Ditch him.
Eddie, you are a smart, independent Asian woman Yeah, no, now I'm hearing it.
[sighs heavily.]
What do you recommend for a heavy heart? Got to go with a beer.
It's all I'm allowed to serve since I made a White Russian with milk and teriyaki sauce.
So, what's up, kid? Well, I've been dating this girl, and I really like her, but I feel like I'm more into her than she is into me.
Oh, I've been there.
I'm actually there right now.
There's this girl I work with Oh, a fellow bartender.
Oh, no, no, I don't work here.
She is smart, beautiful, smells like women's perfume The total package.
And if I really wanted her to know how I feel, I'd go with a heartfelt gesture.
- Like chocolates and flowers? - [scoffs.]
What is it, 3:00 a.
m.
in a hospital gift shop is your only option? No, buddy.
[laughs.]
You got to go with her favorite things, all right? You know? For my girl, I would I'd make her a card with Ms.
Pac-Man on it, made out of yellow Skittles, telling her how I feel using only Beyoncé lyrics.
Wow, that's good.
Why don't you do that? Oh, I'm a coward.
Well, you know what Michael B.
Jordan says You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
You're right.
Screw it.
You know what? I'm gonna do it.
And as a thank-you, you've earned a glass of our signature rosé.
[chuckles.]
: All right.
ROLAND: Are you seriously telling me you have never been to a horse fight? You are in for a disturbing treat.
[quietly.]
: Let's dance.
[exciting music playing.]
[exhales, babbles.]
[music stops abruptly.]
[exciting music resumes.]
Y-Y-Y'busted! [music ends.]
[elevator bell dings.]
Jack! I've been trying to find you all morning.
Your article is blowing up.
Lalit Pajala wants you on his show tonight.
Wait.
Lalit Pajala? The Lalit Pajala? Public radio's Lalit Pajala? Yes.
He was supposed to be interviewing a wood sculptor who carved himself a wife, but apparently, that man turned out to be a murderer.
That's great! I mean, thoughts and prayers to those affected, but that's great.
Jack Gordon is back.
Mason, what are you doing here? Randomly opening doors across Chicago looking for exotic animals? You didn't tell him? Jack, your article was excellent Of course it was But I needed it to have maximum exposure, so I had Mason squirt some of that piping hot Mason sauce on it.
Ugh.
That's the grossest way you could have put that.
You titled my article "Loggers: Y'Busted"? And we share credit?! Well, you refused to use your team, so I did it for you, and look where it's got us.
At a radio network that is currently being listened to in every Prius across northern Illinois.
Well, at least Lalit Pajala will know who the real journalist is.
[quietly.]
: "And there among the trees, an enduring Eden", but an Eden under siege.
" That's from the new article "Loggers: Y'Busted" by Mason Trimmer and Jack Gordon, who join us now.
Thanks for having us, Lalit.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Lalit, I, uh, brought you a little something.
Oh, my.
Um, for our listeners at home, I have just been handed a coveted Mason bobblehead.
And may I say, Mason, it does not do you justice.
So tell me, what were you hoping to achieve Um, could you speak up? Uh, from over here, you just sound like a humidifier.
The article is a call-to-action piece.
We're on pace to lose 40% of Brazil's rain forest Within the next 15 years - 15 years that's correct.
I wrote that.
- LALIT: Wow, Mason, your knowledge of the rain forest is as dense as the rain forest itself.
[laughs.]
: Oh, I don't deserve all the credit.
No.
Why would you say that? Just because you didn't do the research, the sourcing or spend the entire night avoiding the advances of Nina the lusty night janitor.
MASON: Uh, well, I did do everything that made the article go viral.
Uh, infographs, embedded video, uh, interactive maps Yeah, all I came up with was the entire idea and all the words.
MASON: Sounds like someone can't handle someone else getting, like, a day in the spotlight.
And just to clarify, was that first someone Jack Gordon and that second someone you, Mason? Okay, I can't hear you.
So we're gonna switch places.
- No, we're not.
- Yeah, we are.
- Stop.
- We're No, we're switching spots.
I'm sitting Whoa! No! My Warby's! Now, that's the perfect volume.
You humiliated the magazine on live public radio.
Do you know how many people heard that? Very few.
But that's not the point, is it? Roland, it's fine.
Everybody's blaming Mason for elbowing Lalit in the face.
I got off scot-free.
No, Jack, it's not fine.
What's bad for one of us is bad for all of us.
When are you going to realize that being a star is far less important than being a mentor? Oh, I see trick question.
- The answer is never.
- [sighs.]
I had hoped it wouldn't come to this.
[squeaking.]
Fine.
I'll ask.
Why do you have a penguin? This bird is the result of two of my vices.
Ambien and eBay.
And now it is gonna help me teach you a lesson when you shoot it.
What?! But Wait, this is a water pistol.
And it's leaking.
Tequila! It's mezcal, Jack.
Or, as I like to call it, "cactus scotch.
" But the penguin, the penguin is a metaphor.
When you hoard articles, you hurt not just the magazine, but the outdoors.
Take your piece on Antarctic poaching.
Every day that it goes unwritten is another day of penguin death at the South Pole.
Well, this is a very convoluted lesson.
Wait, are you just looking for an excuse to write off a penguin? [laughs.]
: Yes, I am.
But I'm serious, too.
You must use your team.
If you can share your work, it'll have that much more impact, yeah? Now, tell me I'm right.
Come on.
Say it out loud, or Oswald gets it.
Fine! Okay, you're right, you're right, yes, they're good, - and I-I need to trust them.
- Excellent.
Oh, send Emma in, would you? I need to teach her a lesson about refilling the Keurig.
GREG: Dude.
Your idea was genius! I did exactly what you said.
Ms.
Pac-Man, Skittles, Beyoncé.
Really? I sort of meant tailor it to your girlfriend.
No, I didn't have to.
She loved it.
Must just be something all chicks like.
[chuckles.]
Hey, Greg.
Oh.
How do you guys? [deep voice.]
: Oh, good God, no.
Clark, you met Greg? He just gave me the sweetest card.
[groans.]
: Oh! GREG: You know, Clark was the one who encouraged me to tell you how I really feel.
Really? Aw, thank you, Clark.
It's nothing.
If you guys are happy, I'm happy.
[deep voice.]
: What? And why, Clark? Hope you like yellow Skittles, Eddie.
Well, they're not my favorite, but Oh, my God.
This is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey.
Aren't you the face and finger guns of Outdoor Limits? Hey, Jack.
Sorry I got cocky and ruined your radio interview.
Well, there's no time for sorry.
I need you on this article about Antarctic poaching.
Are you sure? This feels like a Jack.
Oh, I think you'll make it your own.
Plus, when you hand it in, I plan on pumping my Jack sauce all over it.
You guys having an assignments meeting? Okay, so I'm late for class and I forgot my pants and obviously, I am a horse No dreams.
You know what? As your mentor, I would like to hear that dream.
Okay.
So, I'm a horse and you're riding me No!