The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e11 Episode Script

Now, that sign says "applesauce.
" No, no, I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? All right.
Now, remember.
You're all a big part of the show, so the better you are, the better Larry is.
You see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign and it says, "We're on in ten seconds.
" So get ready to have a good time.
All right, here we go.
In five, four, three, two Live on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight join Larry and his guests John Forsythe Rosie Perez, Richard Marx and me hey now Hank Kingsley.
And now, because he's standing behind the curtain waiting to come out Larry Sanders! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
If I seem a little confused, I'm just in a lot of turmoil.
I just feel so stupid.
I don't know if I should be pulling for Bosnia or Herzegovina.
Well, you're no better than last night's audience.
Thank you.
So, Bill Clinton intends to actually stop the fighting in Bosnia.
At least, that's what he was overheard saying to some chick in a bar.
Group together.
Your instincts are right.
The surgeon general announced today it is now official.
You're not fully clean unless your "Zestfully" clean.
I told you.
I told you that joke would not work, didn't I, Hank? Well, it's very funny to me.
How does it How does it go again? Oh, that's what I wanna do.
The surgeon general announced it is now official.
You're not clean Maybe I didn't say it exactly right.
You're not fully clean unless your "Zestfully" clean.
It gets funnier every time I hear it.
See, you can't go for the masses.
No, I'll just go Just announcers around the country are laughing.
You're a wonderful audience.
We have a terrific show tonight.
We haveJohn Forsythe, Rosie Perez and Richard Marx.
Please do not flip around.
Come right back.
We, uh, of course, have a terrific show lined up this evening.
But before we get into it, it's 11:40 on Thursday and that can mean only one thing it's time for a "Hank Weight Update.
" You ready? All right, this week I have dropped seven pounds.
All right.
Settle down.
And you are down to One hundred ninety-eight and a half.
Because you have You're down to 198? - That's right.
And a half.
- And a half.
The first time you're below 200 since we started the "Hank Weight Update" we have a special surprise for you, Hank.
Hi, everybody! It's so good to see you, Richard.
Does he look wonderful or what? Aren't you something? - Hank? - Yes, sir? You look absolutely unbelievable.
Look at this.
Look at this picture.
Look at this, everybody.
Do you know who this person is? That's, uh That's the old Hank.
- May I see that? May I? - Yes, yes.
This picture was taken an hour ago in the commissary.
- Give me this picture back! - This is not This is not the old Hank.
This is the hour-old Hank.
- Can't you be supportive? - I can be supportive.
Can't you be supportive of Hank? Hank, look at me.
Yes.
This man is like the little boy next door who used to make fun of people and put people down.
- Just forgive him.
- That is not true.
I have not mentioned the fact that he's bald.
- Oh, my - I am there for the man.
Stop it! Just stop it.
I don't like when you scold me.
I just wanna tell you that I like you for just who you are.
- Thank you.
- Am I right? - You all right? - I'm okay.
I think Richard Simmons is very funny, but what's he always jumping around for? He's got the energy of a squirrel.
I don't think that's healthy, is it? I think it's all a front.
I think we're gonna catch him going through a Dumpster at Winchell's one night, and it'll all be over.
Right there on the Enquirer, him eating a few doughnuts from the trash.
- What is this? - That's not supposed to be here.
- It's supposed to be in my - What is it? It's a new demographic report from the network research people.
Every 30 days, they take their thumb out of their ass, scribble down numbers.
- It's all bullshit.
- Have you read this? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna get a new one every month? - It's a new thing.
It's meaningless bullshit crap.
I'm gonna throw it in the trash.
- I wanna take a look at it.
- Ah, geez! Do you mind? I'd like to take a little look at this.
- What is this number right here? - Bullshit.
- Well, why don't you look.
- Okay, this is a number that says how likable you are to the 18-34 age group.
- I don't believe this shit, though.
- Is this a low number, 4.
2? It's all relative.
Here.
Here is your overall rating, and this is a high number.
Wait a minute.
Relative to what? Arsenio is a 9.
3.
It's not the size of the number.
It's the motion of the ocean.
Oh, for God's sakes, Artie.
I wish you were a woman.
I'd feel a little better when you say that.
- Where's Rush Limbaugh on here? - Oh, for Pete's sake.
- Look, he's below Mengele.
- It's alphabetical.
What is "VL"? - What is this? - Larry, I want you to put that I had the most wonderful time! - You have dogs.
- Yes.
I love dogs.
I have six Dalmatians.
I got a picture right here.
You were wonderful out there, but we were just on our way out.
Here's Scarlet and Ashley and Prissy and Pittypat.
You know what, Richard? Hank loves dogs.
Why don't you show him? He's at the Smokehouse.
Oh! Well, I hope they have salads.
Is there something we can do about my likability? - You wanna do what Arsenio does? - No.
Of course not.
What is it that he does exactly? - They send his shows to a focus group.
- Oh, geez.
If those people decide he's too hyper Arsenio will go on the air and tone it down.
If they say he smiles too much, you know, he smiles less.
- That's ridiculous.
- Of course it is.
You're never gonna please every single viewer every night.
But Arsenio is going insane trying.
Did you see in Entertainment Weekly where he said he's gonna kick our ass? Yeah.
That's why I have someone walk me to my car at night.
- So you're saying this is nothing? - I'm going home.
You're likable, Larry.
You're a very likable guy.
I'll see you tomorrow.
How are you guys doing? - Hey, honey.
- What? I'm a nice guy, right? - Sure, honey.
- Great.
- In your own way.
- What? - In your own way, you're likable.
- Meaning? Why are you asking me about this? I just Just tell me what you mean, "In my own way.
" You know, um - You've got that thing.
- What thing? We've talked about this.
The hostility.
You're a funny person, and all funny people have a certain amount of rage.
So I'm angry.
I'm an angry I'm bubbling anger.
You know.
People watch your show because you're partly an asshole.
We've talked about this.
You and who? You and others? - You and me.
- You and the press? - You're a little hostile.
- I am not hostile.
It makes you interesting.
It gives you an edge.
- Well, there's an edge there.
- Yeah.
Honey? - More? - Please don't eat in the living room.
For God's sakes.
It's my fucking living room too, honey.
There you go.
Excuse me, sir.
I'll need to see an I D.
I don't mean to sound like a jerk.
I'm Larry Sanders.
I'm really sorry, but the people I work for are very specific about - Good morning, Mr.
Sanders.
- Hey, Don.
How are you? - Fine.
How are you? - I left my I D in the car.
- No problem.
- Well There isn't a problem, is there? Oh, listen, Rick here is new.
- It won't happen again.
- That's all right.
No problem.
No problem at all.
Welcome aboard, Rick.
What the fuck are you doing, man? That's Mr.
Sanders! Actually, I think the key is making the guests look good.
I don't think a guest wants to come on and feel like shit.
Don't say "shit.
" Say "feel bad.
" - Are you taping this? - Yeah.
Is that all right? - It's fine.
- Could you look this way for a sec? Larry, did you ever get romantically involved with your guests on the show? One time, Joan Embery brought something on I was attracted to.
Bad policy to date a guest especially when they have to be back at the zoo at 6:30.
I just had an idea how we might want to jazz this up a little bit.
I was thinking, could we maybe take this dart board and put a couple eight by tens of Arsenio and Jay Leno on it and then we get some shots of you throwing darts at them? Well, how about if I sit in this chair and you take pictures of me? It's an excellent idea, and I'll do it if you really want me to.
- No, it's all right.
- Sorry to interrupt.
Larry, we took care of that problem.
- What problem? - You know, with security.
- Increasing security? - No.
You guys got in, didn't you? I don't think the three of us know what you mean, Beverly.
The guard who was a problem this morning? No longer a problem.
Let's flip all the cards and tell us exactly what you're trying to say.
They fired the guard who wouldn't let you in this morning.
Beverly, I did not want that guard fired.
I like that guard.
Would you hire him back immediately? A small misunderstanding.
Are you getting what you need here? I can't believe you mentioned the thing about the security guard.
I'm sorry about that.
You only have one more interview today, and that's with the Advocate.
Why does the Advocate want to interview me? You've had so many gay guests on your show.
- I have? - That's very funny.
I didn't know that.
I'm serious.
You're gonna have to start giving me a signal or something.
Also, Mike Ovitz's office called.
He can't make the Dodger game.
That's what I figured.
Mike Ovitz hates me.
You know how many hundreds of dollars he makes off this show? You've gotta stop letting that man pluck your nerves the way you do.
Maybe you're right.
"Pluck your nerves.
" Is that a black thing? - You're such an idiot.
- But the homosexual community likes me.
- There you go.
- Okay, come on.
He's the world's youngest impressionist.
- How old? - Four.
- Who does he do? - The usual John Wayne, Elvis - Ed Sullivan.
- That's it? - Give him a break.
He's four years old.
- Pass.
We got the world's oldest skateboarder.
He's 74.
Pass.
Let's call a brief moratorium on all world's youngest, world's oldest pitches.
- Fine.
- What else do you have? Look at this! We have the world's best skier under the age of four.
Very funny.
Pass.
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Sanders.
Please, you're spoiling me.
Artie, can I talk to you for a second? Paula, excuse us.
Act natural.
I've been thinking.
I'd like to try that focus group.
Oh, my God! This is a likability issue again, isn't it? No, it's my ass.
Of course it is.
Can we just try it, you know, out of curiosity? Let me ask you something.
If 20 random people decided that you'd look better with a crew cut, would you get one? - Yes.
- Fine.
We'll do the focus group.
- Hi.
- Hank.
- Interrupting.
Sorry.
- Oh, no, Hank.
- Yes, he is.
- Come on.
- Is this a - It is.
Is this an affiliate problem? I would be more than happy to fly out to Bumfuck, Arkansas or wherever and give them the old dog and pony show.
We were just discussing my likability rating.
Is that a TVQ? Neilson? Arbitron? In-house thing? I think I mean, I think you should consider getting yourself a publicist.
I'm with Widenfield-Johnson.
They are the best.
They handle everything appearances, endorsements, charities.
- I didn't know you did charity work.
- Oh, yes.
- Really? - I give of myself.
- Good for you.
- The pay's great.
They got me, you know, TB this year.
- Tuberculosis? - Yes, sir.
The lung disease.
Oh, man.
You know I don't think that if I had an image problem You don't.
That being the spokesperson for some contagious disease would really help.
Contagious? Don't do that old gag.
I beg of you.
No, really, watch.
I can make it work.
Contagious? Darlene? Why isn't he that funny on the show? That was completely uncalled for.
This is nice.
I told you my father was a strict disciplinarian.
Oh, man, I can't wait.
There were people on that plane.
I know.
And they had to eat that food.
So Ned Beatty can do a trip sketch tonight? Not tonight.
We have little kids on the show tonight.
- Do we have a desk piece? - Yeah.
We got the old celebrity product stuff you turned down last All right, we'll do it.
We'll do it this time.
And listen, thanks for these, and I just want to say I don't say this often enough I just really appreciate all the hard work that you do.
Maybe Thursday or something, we'll all get together and What the hell was that? These children aren't gonna cry on the show, are they? It'll look like I made 'em cry, and I don't want that.
If they do cry, I'm sure you'll be very funny.
You have been in the past.
The harder they cry, the funnier you are.
- You know it'll look bad.
- Hello! It's the aerobic pest.
I have some Deal-A-Meal friends out here just dying to meet Hank.
They're really huge fans of him, so we'll stay and see the show.
It's always a pleasure to have you, Richard.
You're a delight.
Larry and I have a little pressing business to finish here.
That's okay.
I'll just leave.
Your hands are freezing.
Bye! - Thanks! - Thanks, buddy, for those tank tops.
- He gave you tank tops? - A dozen.
- A dozen - Twelve.
I know how many a dozen is.
Let me take a moment here to say something I needn't have to say.
I have too much eyeliner on, don't I? Just because a focus group will be watching this show tonight doesn't mean we'll do anything that we don't usually do.
Okay, correct.
To learn something from this focus group which we won't we have to give them an absolutely typical show.
Liz Taylor's Passion a scent for women, and it tastes great on steak.
"Tastes great on steak"? What kind of a shit line is that? We had that great Larry Fortensky joke, and he wimps out and does this crap.
- I wrote the steak line.
- Tastes good on steak? Yes, it's the punch line.
Would you like to try some? Hey, now.
I'm still on that strict diet.
That's right.
And, uh May I say you look great and you're doing great with that diet.
Thank you.
It's not easy.
I can tell you that.
Some friends yesterday insisted that I join them at a smorgasbord.
Really? I just had salad.
Was it an all-you-can-eat buffet? - Yes, it was.
- Really? Why does he keep saying "really"? It gets on my nerves.
But what I'd like to know is, do you find Larry friendly mildly friendly, neutral, or not friendly at all? - Um, neutral.
- You know those celebrity products.
Likable, unlikable, killer, pathological killer, psycho killer.
I like that guy who goes, "Hey now.
" Yeah, he's funny when he goes, "Hey now.
" "Hey now.
" There isn't one person in here I haven't seen on America's Most Wanted.
I'm telling you, we should be making a phone call right now.
Now, in an overall sense, do you find Larry likable? Yes.
I saw him at the Seafood Broiler one night, just like a regular guy.
- What was he eating? - He had that What are those little white fish things - Scallops.
- Broiled? Sauted.
Why doesn't he have Howie Mandel on? Howie Mandel cracks me up.
I told you we should have booked him.
- Call him tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Well, I like him.
- I think Larry's really cute.
He does have really big nostrils and they're kind of uneven, but I like that.
Would you stop it? Stop it! Anything else? I like Larry because he's from Minneapolis, and I'm from Minneapolis.
- "Hey now.
" - I didn't know he was Canadian.
Canadians really get on my nerves.
Oh, this is I can't watch this.
- This is too sad.
- You wanted to do it.
Now I know why Baywatch is in the top ten.
Sorry I'm late.
What did they say about me? Nothing.
They're just to the Martin Mull segment.
I thought you said I was gonna meet Larry.
There he is.
Come on.
It's very good on this side.
Well, you can't deny they all seemed to like you.
Yeah, well, I'm telling you.
I have a real problem.
Twenty people could say they liked me, and I'm telling you I would still be thinking two of them probably have severe emotional problems and one of them's probably confusing me with Larry King.
I gotta say something that's gonna sound trite, but it's also true.
The sooner you start liking yourself you won't care what other people think.
Great.
Then I'm totally fucked.
It's Richard Simmons.
- I'm tired of running.
- I don't believe this.
- Hey, Richard.
- No, sorry.
Hey, you're Larry Sanders.
I'm Steve Himmel.
I watch your show all the time.
I really like you.
Thanks.
You must be from Minneapolis.
- No, I'm not.
Why? - Oh, just a bad guess.
- Hey, what are you laughing at? - Oh, nothing.
- Are you guys making fun of me? - Oh, no, no.
Fuck you! Show biz assholes! I guess my favorite parts were Martin Mull the opening monologue, the celebrity products and Hank.
Hey now!