The Lone Gunmen s01e11 Episode Script

Malawi has an area of 45,747 square miles and its unit of currency is the kwacha.
- Is that correct, sir? - How do I know? What do you mean you don't know the answer? How am I supposed to impress you folks if nobody knows when I'm right? But I am, 45,747 or in square kilometers, 118,484.
Look it up when you get home.
-No need.
No need.
Mere child's play for Mr.
Memory, ladies and gentlemen.
Come on, somebody ask me a tough one.
Ahem, what is the highest price paid for a pop star's clothing? That would be the Afghan coat worn byJohn Lennon on the cover of the Beatles' Magical Mystery Tour album in 1967.
It sold for £34,999 sterling.
- Rivers.
4, 145 miles.
That would be the Nile.
- Ara, the traffic.
The Amazon, 4,000 miles.
- The Yangtze in Asia, 3,740 miles.
- You nearly missed this guy.
- Here in America, we have the Mississippi at 3,740 miles.
- He kills me.
- He knows all these, uh, crazy little facts.
- The Ob-Irtysh at 3,362 miles.
- Who's your friend? Hey, tell me when I can stop.
He's been asking about you.
What do you call a tip of a shoelace? An aglet.
And get this.
Flying fish jump, penguins can fly - Excuse me.
- And ostriches can run up to 40 miles an hour.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, that's all right.
What about the eyes? You're not as pasty as your D.
M.
V.
photo.
So, you gonna buy me anotherJack and Coke, Larry? It's Mr.
Rose.
You don't know me well enough for anything else.
Oh, I sort of do.
I know things about you that your wife doesn't know.
That's for sure.
I'm like Mr.
Memory.
This big head full of facts.
Famous people and the names they had before they were famous.
Take Howard Cohen.
Better known as Howard Cosell.
- Two thousand dollars? - Yeah, two grand.
So, we gonna do this, or what? Count to 10, then follow me.
Whoopi Goldberg was named Caryn Johnson.
And Gene Wilder was Jerome Silberman.
Samuel Goldwyn was Samuel Goldfish.
And the Artist Formerly Known As Prince was formerly known as Roger Nelson.
But I, of course, was always Mr.
Memory! Ha, ha.
And don't you forget it.
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Hey.
Larry Rose? You son of a bitch! - Come on, let's hear it! I've got this theory.
Back when I was playing the game that is God's gift to Monday night football they made me wear a helmet.
Nobody could see my face inside it.
But if I didn't wear it, I could have gotten brain damage.
I think that everyone goes through life wearing this, like, invisible football helmet.
We need it to protect ourselves.
But that means that other people never really see our true face.
So, you gotta figure that everybody's always got this part of them that's hidden.
Me included.
That's where this whole story started.
Oh, yeah, this one is going to win us the Pulitzer.
Jimmy, we need your check.
- Allied Printing and Litho.
- Yeah, $1,381.
Uh, price went up, huh? Yeah, a little.
Cost of newsprint, they said.
Sorry.
Hey, man, thanks, as always.
Yeah, you're a real lifesaver.
Drive fast.
Red lights are for chumps.
Hey, where's Byers? He usually comes with me.
Hell if I know.
I didn't hear him go out this morning.
I never heard him come home last night.
I don't think he did.
What do you figure? A girl? Yeah, right.
Byers? -Hey! What are you doing? Repossession for nonpayment.
This says I can take it.
- Come on.
I only missed like - Sorry.
Talk to the bank.
- Hey, Byers.
- Jimmy.
I'd like you to meet somebody.
Jimmy Bond, Carol Strode.
We're going to help her catch a murderer.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah, really terrible.
My brother and I were estranged for the past couple of years.
That's what makes it even harder.
It happened four days ago at a Delaware nightclub.
He'd been shot.
- I'm really sorry to hear it.
- Yeah, I'm even sorrier.
The police have no suspects or motives.
And this thing that happened toJeff's body Um, he was cremated by accident.
A coroner's error.
I never even got to see him.
So, then you called Byers.
How do you two know each other? We knew each other in college.
My brotherJeff was John's roommate.
Oh.
Sorry, Byers.
At any rate, uh, the case has taken some odd turns.
Latest of which is this.
It's an e-mail Carol received yesterday.
It's from Jeff.
Jeff, who died four days agoJeff? He programmed his computer to send it postmortem.
- Heavy.
- "Carol "if you're reading this, I'm dead.
"In all likelihood, I've been murdered "owing to the huge number of people I've pissed off in the past few years.
The Web site below will reveal the identity of my killer.
" I've already tried to access the site.
The server's been completely wiped.
Which means somebody is covering up evidence.
Whoa, my eyes are burning.
Man, what died in here? Oh, sorry.
That didn't come out right.
- Maybe we should, um - Yeah.
There's nothing here.
I don't know what I was expecting.
Oh, man, Mr.
Memory! No dressing room and no dignity.
Dude, you rock.
I caught your act once.
Hey, do you remember me? Cerveza Sammy's.
Hicksville.
Long Island, April 4, 1999.
8: 00 show.
You had a bunch ofblind guys with you.
I asked you three questions.
Completed passes thrown byJoe Namath - '72 season, 162.
- On the money.
Total number of episodes of the TVseries The Man From Atlantis - starring Patrick Duffy 17.
- You're the king.
Yeah.
And, uh, oh yeah, who would win in a fair fight Han Solo or Indiana Jones? You never got that one.
Sir, what can you tell us about this man? He got murdered here.
That's all I know about it.
Really.
Can I see that again? Where'd you get those glasses? I don't recall.
All right, I found them behind the john.
- So what? - Those areJeff's glasses.
Yeah, they are.
And what glasses.
- It's your turn.
- Oh, no, it's your turn.
From now on.
Stupid dog.
He makes with the brown Play-Doh every 10 feet.
I know the feeling, cleaning up someone else's mess.
Again, I apologize.
It won't happen again.
Damn right it won't.
Now, what do we know about Frumin? He hasn't contacted me since.
That's his thing; he's cautious.
- Don't worry.
He'll come around.
- He better.
By the way, I'm taking your computer and I'm shutting off your Internet service.
- Why? - 'Cause you can't keep it in your pants, Casanova.
- This is actually a camera? - Mm-hmm.
That's right.
Fiber optic lens.
Single chip pickup.
Your brotherJeff knew what he was doing.
This whole thing is a tiny video camera tuned in at the cellular phone spectrum.
Luckily for us, my great skill enabled me to run down the specific number matched to this frequency.
After which, owing to a little quasi-legal hack by yours truly voila, we got an address to go with the phone number.
It's technical.
Guys, the dockmaster recognized Jeff's face, but not his name.
He knew him as JackJohnson.
The same name on the cell billing.
But why would your brother have an alias? Bingo.
He paid the rent in cash.
It hardly looks like he lived here.
I can't believe he did.
The Web address your brother left, this was the server where it lived.
- And lives no more.
- The hard drive's been reformatted.
So, this is just another dead end.
Guys this blinking light here, what is it? Jimmy, if we've gotta stop every time you see a blinking light Yeah, he's right.
What is it? Hmm.
Oh, that's attractive.
Enjoy the view, but I think Jimmy's onto something.
It's a backup C.
P.
U.
Mounted line and site to the first one.
It's I.
R.
slave to it.
And in English that means? It's like a TV remote.
So that whatever was on that computer Is still on this one.
"Dirty laundry"? What are these? It's a whole lot of thumbnails.
Compressed video files.
This must be the footage offJeff's video glasses.
Who's the guy? - Jeff just took a payoff.
- Jeff was blackmailing these people.
He would actually do that? I've never in my life known anyone nosier.
He loved knowing other people's secrets.
I just never thought he'd go so far as to profit from it.
Well, that explains the video glasses.
People get cheesed off when you shake them down.
A smart guy would want to take along some insurance.
There must be a file dated the day ofJeff's murder.
Yeah, here it is.
It's the bathroom at the club.
Run that back, frame by frame.
Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Yeah, the murderer is Skinner.
I say we publish it.
Byers, we got him on video.
It's a slam dunk.
We've got a glimpse of him, after which the image goes dead, and we got nothing.
We never see a gun, nor do we see him pull the trigger.
An assistant director of the F.
B.
I.
is alone in a men's washroom with a guy who's found murdered two minutes later.
I know the man.
I don't like it any more than you do, but put two and two together.
- I am and I'm not getting four.
- Regardless of what you print don't you think we should go to the police with this information? - This man is the police.
- He's the boss of a couple friends of ours at the F.
B.
I.
We don't know how high or how wide this thing goes.
You're making my point for me.
We don't know.
Byers! Byers.
What's up with you, Byers? What's up with me? Nothin'.
That one didn't breathe well.
It's a wool-poly blend.
Uh-huh.
Poor choice for this weather.
Yeah, I was gonna say.
Oh.
Walter Skinner isn't the only one with secrets.
Is that what's eating you? What are you talking about? I don't have any secrets.
I'm talking aboutJeff, Byers.
Your college roommate turns out to be a high-tech, blackmailing scum bucket.
God rest his soul.
What'd you think I was talking about? My point being could that be why you don't wanna go with this story because of what'll it'll do to Carol, her family? Jeff Strode could turn out to be HitlerJr and I'd run it front page across the fold if I knew it to be true.
We may look to all the world like the National Enquirer but we're gonna operate like the New York Times, or else I don't wanna be here.
Hey, you're preaching to the choir.
I know.
Guys! Guys! - You must be Carol.
- It's good to meet you.
Likewise.
Nice handshake.
Take a lesson, boys.
Byers, what do we need her for? Because you're in way past your depth as always.
- At least one of you has the sense to admit it.
- Thanks, Yves.
I think.
I reviewed the thumbnail you e-mailed me.
You were right, Byers.
There is more to this story.
I assume this man was the intended blackmail victim the night of the murder.
- Do you recognize him? - No.
But I certainly recognize the man he's sitting with Ara Frumin.
- A Russian mob boss.
- Well, what's he into? Anything and everything.
He's very smart, very careful.
He keeps a low profile.
But he'll kill without compunction if it's in his interest to do so.
What does the Russian Mafia have to do with this F.
B.
I.
man Skinner? Frumin has half the Moscow police force on his payroll.
Could be he's done just as well for himself here as in the States.
As in Skinner is working for him? I don't buy it.
This guy walks into the bathroom the same time your guy Skinner must be there.
Then they both disappear.
That means they work together, right? Whoever this man is, he's the key to it all.
So, I guess I owe you an explanation.
You do.
You shot a man in my favorite club.
It could mean trouble for me.
Attention.
I apologize.
It was hotheaded.
- Who was he? - If you read his name in the newspaper you know as much about him as I do.
Computer hacker.
He tried to blackmail me.
Don't ask me what for.
He knew you had a mistress, and he threatened to tell your wife.
I don't leave anything to chance.
The good news for you is a man with secrets is a man I can trust.
I don't exactly follow your logic there, but, uh, whatever.
Just so we're in business.
It's looking pretty good.
Hey, uh, do I get a chance to meet your wife? Why? Any woman who scares you more than the cops I gotta say, I'm intrigued.
Your typical dedicated investigative journalist is like a really strong offensive line.
They'rejust gonna plow right through, no matter where it takes them.
That's how the guys wound up shadowing this Walter Skinner.
They picked up his trail outside F.
B.
I.
Headquarters in Washington, D.
C.
Tailed him all the way to Delaware.
They figured whatever he was up to, they'd catch him in the act.
Carol, I'd like you to wait here.
This kind of covert operation requires a lot of training.
But in case you feel left out, I borrowed the ear stem from your brother's glasses and attached them to mine.
Now you can watch everything I do.
Uh, we do.
Be careful.
Sure enough, Skinner was on his way to a secret meeting with his mystery man.
He's too scruffy & too little.
I'm a German shepherd kind of guy.
Enough with the damn dog.
What did Frumin say? - Did you convince him? - Oh, it looks like it, but he still won't set a date.
- Why? - He's cautious.
Doesn't take chances.
So he says.
I'm sure he's checking me out.
Yeah, well, at least your little love affair is over.
Thanks to you.
Ever since that night in the club, I've gotten a lot more respect.
- Oh, I bet you have.
- Get off.
I'm not your type.
Shoo! But what the guys didn't know was that the mystery man had been followed too.
It's not in his interest to keep stalling.
Look, believe me when I tell you.
He doesn't want to blow this deal.
-What's the matter? I thought I heard something.
Probably my damn dog.
Don't contact me again until you have a date and time.
All right.
Come on, Flash.
Flash.
Come on, boy.
Come on.
Come here.
- Come here.
Attaboy.
Attaboy.
Yeah, you come here.
That's right.
Come on.
I say we follow our mystery man.
Hey! What are you three doing here? - Hello, Mr.
Rose.
How about you come with me? I told you I don't take chances.
Still no answer.
The guys never go this long without checking in.
I mean, ever since that little kitchen fire that I started it's been like every hour on the hour.
I've run every emergency room in the city.
They've been admitted to none of them.
Nor have they been arrested by the Wilmington Police.
Wait.
What about the mobile command post? - Is there any way we can trace it? - I'm sorry.
The mobile V.
W.
bus.
Oh, the clown car.
- Good call.
You're in luck.
The mobile command post was impounded less than an hour ago for being parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Banning Park, just outside Wilmington.
What were they doing there? - Clear! - One's clear.
Let's go.
Photo's not very flattering.
'Course I'm wondering where you got it.
Why should we tell you? Yeah, you're only gonna kill us, like you killed Byers's old roommate.
Oh, crap.
Did I just say the wrong thing? Oh, oh, he's going to get a tarp.
A waterproof tarp.
I've seen this in the movies.
Shut up.
Shut up! Oh, my God.
It's Jeff.
He's alive.
You didn't kill him.
Sit down.
All of you.
Byers, right? I thought you two roomed together.
Mr.
Skinner, would you please explain what is going on? You three are interfering with an F.
B.
I.
sting operation.
That's what's going on.
You put an undercover operative in danger.
Oh, the guy with the dog.
Unfortunately, we were investigating this man's murder.
Just know whatever you've got going on here, you put your sister Carol through hell.
It wasn't my idea.
The man didn't give me much choice.
I couldn't freakin'believe it.
I'm cruising the Internet, and I come across this rich import guy who's married and having this chat room fling.
It turns out he's undercover F.
B.
I.
His "wife"is undercover F.
B.
I.
The chick he's fooling around with on the computer is his actual wife in real life.
How messed up is that? What is this operation of yours? Plutonium.
Can you believe it? Post-cold war I.
C.
B.
M.
salvage.
Some Russian dude is ready and willing to sell.
Frumin.
You faked Jeff's murder to keep the deal alive.
To make the best of a bad situation.
And to buy my agent some credibility.
Only now, I don't know where my agent is.
I was so busy with the three of you in the park that I missed it completely.
Witnesses saw him leave with Frumin and a woman.
- A woman.
- Carol? So, basically they completely screwed up this big-deal F.
B.
I.
operation and put Carol in danger.
Meanwhile, Yves and I weren't exactly dancing in the end zone ourselves.
There's no sign of the guys at that park or anywhere else.
It's obvious that guy Skinner must have them.
It is not obvious he's harmed them.
At least not yet.
I just wish we knew where they were.
If only there was some way they could contact us.
We are in custody.
Frumin has Carol.
What the hell are you doing? Wait a minute.
Those are my video glasses.
What did you do to them? Byers, can you talk to your whiny little blackmailer here? Leave him alone.
We're all trying to help Carol.
Come on, Langly, keep trying.
F.
B.
I.
safe house.
Minquadale, Delaware.
- We are in custo - Ahem! My agent was released and just got word to us.
Carol Strode is fine.
However, Frumin is holding her as collateral.
- So, you're going to get her? - Tonight.
No, the deal goes down tonight.
I can't do anything to jeopardize that.
We're talking about a six-pound pit of plutonium the size of a tennis ball.
In the hands of somebody who knows what they're doing, it can kill 100,000 people.
Now, I'm sorry, but that's my first priority.
Hey.
We'll get her.
Here's what I wanna know.
Carol, honest to God, came to you three for help? What the hell was he thinking? Us? You're the reason he's in this mess.
Byers.
What's with the "he"? What, they don't know? My sister Carol, your buddy here knew him back when he was Carl.
They were roommates in college.
Yeah, and you two were thinking "damsel in distress," right? The thing of it is the damsel was in distress even more than they knew.
Because no one by the name of Carol Strode had ever been born on the birth date given by her driver's license.
And the Russian, who left nothing to chance was definitely keeping his playbook a secret.
They're dead, aren't they? We gotta face the facts, right? This man Skinner he's into something big with some Russian mobster.
You said so yourself.
He's got the entire F.
B.
I.
behind him.
What chance did our guys ever have? I don't know what to say.
I do.
I say we nail him.
We get the proof.
That's what my friends would want.
Agent, please, you have to get word to Assistant Director Skinner for me.
Go back and watch TV or something.
Try and relax.
You people are putting my friend in danger.
She has a secret.
If they know it, they might harm her.
You know, you should have told us about Carol, Byers.
- You misled us.
- I did.
I apologize.
But it wasn't germane to the case.
Well, it sure as hell is germane now.
If this guy Frumin looks into her background and finds inconsistencies there's no telling how this thing will play out.
That's why you were acting so squirrelly, isn't it? - You were protecting her.
- Somebody has to.
Her own brother wouldn't.
She came to you in confidence when she was thinking about doing what she did.
- You told everybody.
- And why not? My brother suddenly becomes my sister? That's a secret that just won't keep.
People are gonna figure that one out on their own.
You made it that much harder for her to go through with it.
You made her have to explain things before she was ready.
No wonder she wants nothing to do with you.
I take it back.
I don't apologize for not telling you.
Everybody deserves his privacy.
Yeah, I guess I was freaked out because she is kinda hot.
- I mean, is that wrong? - We can't just sit here and wait for this thing to go down.
Carol's in danger.
We have to get out ofhere.
You know I could probably pry that mesh off if, uh, big brother wasn't watching.
I might have an idea.
Okay.
One counter check drawn on the Bank of Zurich for $100 million.
I don't have to tell you not to lose it.
Don't give 'em that check until you know the exact location of the merchandise.
Once you do, allow 'em to leave.
We'll take 'em down outside where we can ensure everyone's safety.
- And if all goes wrong? - I can't wire you.
We'd risk them picking up the R.
F.
I've got a man at the bar.
If you get into trouble, order a rum and Coke.
That'll be our signal.
All right? Rum and Coke.
Well, well, our mystery man.
Perhaps tonight we'll catch three conspirators for the price of two.
Sounds good to me.
Man, do I wanna bust these dudes.
-Say something.
Testing, one, two, three.
Testing, one, two, three.
This is Walter freakin' Skinner of the F.
B.
I and I am going to prison big-time.
Ooh, yeah, I am going down.
Uh, you're not going to talk to them like that, are you? Trust me, I'm all over it.
You talk as if you wanted to see her tried for murder.
Yes.
And then we have your habanero, your Hungarian wax your jalapeno and your serrano.
Did I leave any out? I don't think so.
Come on.
Let's hear it.
That's it, yeah.
Now, what was the other question? Oh, all right, right.
The largest igloo in the world would be the Ice Hotel in Sweden with a floor area of 3,888 square yards.
-It has 100 guests but they have to rebuild it every year.
You've been great.
Thank you.
Good night.
What does your tricorder tell you, Mr.
Spock? Are we gonna do business? Do you have the money? - Do you have what I came for? - It's close by.
The lead shielding is 80 kilos, so I don't carry it in my pocket.
But I have with me a sample.
It's a teeny, tiny pellet of it.
Powered by compressed air.
Completely silent.
But you would walk out of here a dead man.
An old-time K.
G.
B.
technology.
Makes me homesick.
Now, two questions.
Who's this woman? And who are you? Ara, what kind of hospitality is this? You threaten me.
You got Special Ed here poking me in the side with his lipstick.
Aren't you at least gonna buy me a drink? Who is this? Oh, no, thanks, buddy.
I had a couple on the drive over.
So Ara.
Guys, hey, you mind if I join you? So, what's on for tonight? Who do we What evil deeds are afoot? Jimmy, you're supposed to be a director of the F.
B.
I.
Rein in your emotions.
Am I talking too much? I probably am.
You know what would shut me up? Money.
More money.
'Cause here I am, director of the F.
B.
I and I'm out there killing good people right and left for you guys.
The bodies are just stacking right up, like Shut up, Jimmy.
Let them do the talking.
Yeah, so.
- What do you say? - Who the hell are you? Ara, buddy, come on.
Ow, okay, that hurt.
- Can I get anybody anything? - Yeah, what the hey.
I'll have a, uh, a Cuba Libra.
I'm sorry, sir.
We're out of fresh limes.
- Would you like just a straight rum and Coke? - No, no thanks.
I prefer the Mexican version.
Comprende, amigo? Ah, what the hell.
Rum and Coke! F.
B.
I.
, hands in the air.
Freeze! Don't move! -Wait.
Weren't you just Let me get this straight.
You'reJimmy.
- Uh-huh.
Then who's that? -Oh, my God, Jeff! I'm sorry, Carol.
I'm sorry.
-No way.
No way! Guys! - Jimmy? - Uh-huh.
Wow, this is just so cool.
Sir, I owe you an apology.
You didn't murder my friends.
- Pretty cool, huh? Larry, Moe, Curly, I see you found yourselves a fourth stooge.
Yeah.
Great working with you again, Walt.
Don't call me Walt.
Makes for one great story.
I like this part especially.
"Courageous reporters aid case.
" And we managed to keep Carol's secret.
You should be proud of me.
I didn't even tellJimmy.
Tell me what? That she used to be a man? I knew that the first time I saw her.
So did Yves.
So what? Also for once, we managed to turn a profit.
The story is big news in Russia.
A Moscow wire service is paying us 125,000 rubles for the reprint rights.
That's just under 4,400 U.
S.
Oh, well, at least it'll pay for a few more issues, right? Actually, no.
We're using the money for something else.
Something you really should have told us about, man.
So, back to my theory.
The thing about football helmets even invisible ones is that you can always take them off.
Not that you should if you're about to get tackled.
But you can if you're around people you trust.
- Your friends.
- Oh, guys! - How are you gonna get by? - How are we gonna get by? Well, huh, same as we always have, just barely.
But, uh, we'll manage.
Go for it, man.
You might wanna move the seat back some.
Maybe that's what friends are, the people you can show your true face to.
-I made this!