The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e11 Episode Script

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all So it ended up that we were working in the newsroom till 1:00 in the morning.
Thank goodness Mr.
Grant told us not to come in till noon today.
- Did you say you wanted bacon? - Bacon? No.
No, just a hard-boiled egg.
Just a 70-calorie hard-boiled egg for old tubbo.
Well, maybe a little dry toast with some butter on it.
[Sniffs.]
Do I smell jam? Ladies and gentlemen, the dieter.
I'm entitled to break my diet a little.
I've been good all day.
It's 10:30 a.
m.
[Knocking.]
- Who is it? - It's Phyllis! Why is it always Phyllis when I'm in a good mood? - Hi.
- Hi.
Like it? What is that? A Christian Dior or a Marcus Welby? What's it for? Well, Lars's receptionist left to get married so for the past two days I've been subbing.
And it is so satisfying, Mary, I cannot tell you.
Lars's receptionist, huh? How are things in the skin doctor game? - Dermatology.
- Oh.
You know how it is there hectic and crazy.
Oh, the wonderful, wacky world of bad skin.
Mary, I cannot tell you how satisfying it is to be working again.
Most people would say, "Phyllis, you have everything.
What more could you want?" And I say, " It's just not enough, being a model wife and a perfect mother.
" - You know how I am.
- Mm-hmm! We just have a hard time believing it.
I have to go to the hairdresser's.
Don't you have to be at the office? How can you have your hair done? Mary, it's for those patients I'm doing this.
I feel if I look my best, it gives them hope something to shoot for.
You know, I love her.
I really do.
But what is it about her? I don't know, but I'll tell you something.
If she keeps on the way she's going, she's gonna give overbearing, aggressive women a bad name.
[Typewriter Keys Clacking.]
Total commercial billings.
Sixty ten-second spots - is, uh - [Ringing.]
I have got to get Vi to answer this phone until I'm finished or I'm never gonna finish this! Newsroom.
Hello.
Yes.
Yes, Vi.
I will.
I'll do that.
Right.
[Chuckling.]
Vi would like me to pick up her phones while she's out to lunch.
What's lunch, Murray? It seems so long, I've forgotten.
Can I say something to you? I know what you're gonna say that I am working too hard and I mustn't let it upset me, and you're right, I won't.
I wasn't gonna say that.
I was gonna say, " Would you pull the picture file?" - I need a shot of Neil Armstrong to go with this story.
- Sure.
Oh! Hey, let me help you.
No, no.
No.
They're in alphabetical order.
Well, how do you how do you put photographs in alphabetical order? You take the last names of the most important persons in the picture.
- Mm.
Oh, this one's tough.
- Who have you got? The president and Joe Namath.
[Groans.]
Oh, those two-hour Mexican lunches really take it out of you.
[Groans.]
I think I'll go to my dressing room and have a little fiesta.
Nothing like a little nap-a-rino to pick you up.
- Kind of makes you want to cry, doesn't it? - [Shudders.]
Okay, everybody stop working for a minute.
Now, the program manager is so impressed with the way we muddle through a half hour of news that he's expanding the show to a full hour.
- That's terrific.
- Well.
That means a little more work from each of us for those who consider twice as much a little more.
I want you all to think about how we're gonna fill that extra half hour.
Uh [Clears Throat.]
I'd like to propose that we double the airtime of this fellow right here.
Thanks, Ted.
That'll give me two whole minutes to do the weather.
Say no more, Gordo.
You don't have to tell me.
- You and I speak the same language.
- [Chuckles.]
- Right on.
- What's that? Forget it.
Mary, I want you to give top priority to filling that extra half hour.
I figure that if I skip lunches and work overtime for the next two weeks I could maybe catch up to where I was a month ago.
- Which was? - Three weeks behind.
There's a little extra money for all of us, not much, but No, the little extra money is not gonna help me get this work done.
- Hire an assistant.
- What I need is an assistant.
You mean it? Sure.
Call Personnel and tell them you need somebody.
Tell them you can pay, uh $82.
57 a week.
Mr.
Grant, where did you get that figure? That was the little extra money for all of us.
[Typewriter Keys Clacking.]
Rhoda, are you sure you want me to do this to your dresses, this midi thing? - Yes.
- I just hate it.
Of course you do.
You got good legs.
I live in the world of fashion.
I do what all the magazines tell me to do.
I wore a hard hat for a week before I realized the magazine was Popular Mechanics.
That was a joke.
You're supposed to laugh.
- I'm sorry.
It's just I've got problems at the office.
- What? - [Knocking.]
- If I don't find somebody to help me with the extra work I'm gonna go right out of my mind.
- Hi, all.
- Hi! So who's going out of whose mind? I am, unless a minor miracle occurs and I find an assistant.
- An assistant? - Yeah, to help me with some work on the show.
Why don't you just shorten her legs? So how about me for the job? Well, you're already working for Lars and I need somebody right now, so [Chuckles.]
I'm available.
Lars got a little upset at something I did, and he gave me the old sack.
- What did you do? - It was nothing.
- It must've been something.
What? - Uh Well, Lars got called out, and there were all these patients sitting there in his office, so I treated a few of them.
So, like I said, uh, I'm available.
Phyllis, look, about the job, you wouldn't be interested in it.
You don't know all the dumb things you'd have to do.
It's just It's all typing and filing and boring There are no small jobs, only small people.
But, Phyllis, you're not small enough for this job.
Mary, don't.
I'll do something else.
- Somebody's gotta want me.
- Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis! Mary, forget it.
I don't go anyplace I'm not wanted.
Okay.
Oh, boy, Phyllis.
Okay, all right! You want to try it for, let's say, a week? Okay, all right, I'll try it for two weeks.
It'll be fun, a real challenge.
- I'm sure it will be.
- [Chuckling.]
- You know, it's kind of cute.
- Wha What? [Chuckling.]
- I was just thinking, it's cute, that's all.
- Yeah? - I mean, that I have my master's degree - Yes? And you left college after two years, and I'm your assistant.
- [Both Laughing.]
- Cute.
I'm telling you, it wasn't easy in those days, those early days.
Wild-eyed kid with a dream [Chuckles.]
dream to be an anchorman.
Grabbing at Lady Luck running around helter Is Mary here yet? Ah.
Skelter.
- It seemed at the time like reaching for the stars.
- Ted.
Your life story has been going on for a half hour now and we're just up to August 1953.
I mean, can you hurry up with the point? It's like waiting for a sneeze.
Well, I guess I just got to reminiscing.
- Yeah.
- And I think to myself "What'd I do it for, the money?" - Mm-mm.
- No.
The money was the least of it.
Then again, even though the money is the least of it, now that we're going to an hour You want a raise.
Is that it? Lou I wrote a figure on this pad.
Ted, I wrote two words on this pad.
[Clears Throat.]
Lou I think there's a little room for negotiation between that figure and those words.
On the other hand, maybe not.
## [Whistling.]
Phyllis, I am saying problem with your maid or no problem, this cannot happen again.
- An hour late! - Don't do it to yourself.
Don't be a robot, tied down to schedules and clocks.
Phyllis, for the time being, let's just say that I'm a robot, huh? - So this is the newsroom.
- Yeah, this is it.
- Morning, Gordy.
- Hi, Mary.
How are you? Gordy, I'd like you to meet Phyllis Lindstrom, my new assistant.
- This is Gordy Howard, our weatherman.
- Phyllis.
I just want to say one thing.
I'd love you to come over for dinner so we can really get to know each other.
I mean, a-as human beings because we're going to be working together.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Gordy and I really hit it off.
- Mary! - Morning, Murray.
I'd like you to meet my new assistant, Phyllis Lindstrom.
This is Murray Slaughter.
How do you do? I'd love you to come over for dinner Where have you been? Lou started yelling for you an hour ago - so I had to cover for you.
- Thank you.
What did you tell him I was doing? Hanging up your coat.
Well, Phyllis, sit down.
You can use my desk for today.
Mary, it's not too important, but, uh there is one thing.
- What? - Well, you've been calling me your assistant.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, that's what you are.
I mean It's just a word, Phyllis.
So is "inferior" just a word.
- Well, is there another word you would prefer? - "Coworker.
" Coworker.
All right.
- Finally find a hook for your coat, did ya? - Oh, Mr.
Grant.
l I'm very sorry.
The first day of our new production schedule, and you show up an hour late.
- I'm sure you have an absolutely great excuse.
I'm waiting.
- Well, Mr.
Grant Halley's Comet hit her on her way over.
- What? - Well, let's face it.
She could lie or make up some fabulous excuse.
Would it make her any more on time? I leave it to you.
Mr.
Grant, I would like you to meet my new coworker, Phyllis Lindstrom.
This is Mr.
Grant.
- [Chuckles.]
- You mean she works here? Uh, yes.
Good.
You're fired.
She's really just trying to be helpful in her own way.
Lou, if it'll make it up to you, I'll stay till, say oh, uh, say, uh, 6:00? - Mary.
- Phyllis, our normal quitting time is 7:00.
This should be an interesting day for you.
A sort of combination orientation and last chance.
Okay, Phyllis, this has to go into mimeo tonight.
- Phyllis? - Oh, yes.
What do you want me to do? All you have to do is sort this into two piles the pink sheets and the blue sheets.
The pinks and the blues, pinks and the blues.
- Kind of like little girl babies and little boy babies.
- Uh-huh.
- And? - That's it.
- That's it? - Mm-hmm.
Well, that's so boring.
Don't you have people who do that sort of thing? Uh, yeah, Phyllis, I have a person who does this sort of thing you.
[Chuckles.]
I know this doesn't rival working in a dermatologist's office Do you have the rubber stamp with my signature on it? I have to autograph these pictures.
- I'm sorry, Ted.
I don't know where it is.
- Mary.
Uh, Phyllis Lindstrom, my new, uh, coworker - this is Ted Baxter.
- Hi.
Well, Ted Baxter.
How can I find the words? I don't know.
Of course, I'm I'm thrilled and excited.
Yes, of course.
However there is something I feel compelled to say.
It has to do with the impression you make on others and the tremendous impact you have on people and how outrageously attractive you are.
- Oh, I'm boring you.
- You're not.
You're not.
Cross my heart, you're not.
Go on.
But, well, you frustrate them, Ted.
You're strong.
You're too strong, almost distant.
You know, you're the first one around here to recognize that.
Look, I have to go to the studio right now.
What are you doing here? - Oh, just some stuff.
- Come with me.
Phyllis, how's that, uh, stuff coming? Sorry, Mary, but I need this girl.
Well, Ted, she's supposed to be doing the filing.
She has more important things to contribute to this show than just filing some dumb blue papers.
Don't worry, Mary.
I'll do it later.
- Bye, Gordy.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
Blue.
Blue, pink blue, pink, blue, pink - I thought you hired Phyllis to do that.
- Blue.
I thought I hired Phyllis to do this too.
If she's not doing that, what is she doing? This copy you sent down, Ted doesn't like it.
See what you can do to perk it up.
- [Murray.]
Perk it up? - Uh, Phyllis? Yes? Murray, would you excuse Phyllis and me for just a minute, please? Not on your life.
I want to watch you explode.
Explode? Mary doesn't explode.
Yes, Mary does explode! It's just that Mary has this, uh, long fuse, you see and people think that they can take advantage of her because she has this long fuse.
But, Phyllis, every once in a while, the fuse burns down, and then it just Let me understand this.
You feel I'm taking advantage of you? Phyllis.
Look, I gave you a job.
You are supposed to be - Filing.
- Filing.
You are not supposed to be coming in here and telling She's got me so crazy, I can't think of your name.
- Murray.
- Thank you, Murray.
You are not supposed to be coming in here and telling Murray that - Ted.
- Doesn't like his copy.
That's not yourjob, Phyllis.
Yourjob is to be my assistant.
- Coworker.
- Assistant, Phyllis! No, I am not gonna do your job for you! You're right.
You were nice enough to give me this job and I just got swept up with the glamour of it all I mean, Ted Baxter, the lights, the cameras.
As soon as I finish up in the studio, I'll do this.
I'll stay until midnight It's all right.
No.
Go.
You can do it in the morning.
I did most of it myself anyway.
- Oh, thanks, Mary.
- Uh-huh.
- Murray, see what you can do to perk this up.
- Perk it up.
- Hi, Gordo.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
Thanks, guys.
Rockefeller, Nelson, Governor.
Rockefeller, Winthrop, Governor.
Rockefeller, David.
Rockefeller, John D.
, Junior.
Rockefeller, Happy.
Rockefeller Center - You're filing? - No.
No, no.
That's, uh, Phyllis's job.
No, I was just, uh, looking for something.
Ah, here it is.
It's hard to believe that you had an urgent need for the file on Pancho Villa.
- Well, you know.
- Mm-hmm.
Come into my office.
Mary, I'm going to ask you a question and I want the truth.
How's your new assistant, Princess Margaret Rose, shaping up? Uh, just fine.
Just fine.
Y-You know, i-it, uh it it takes a little time to, uh But she's going to.
She's, uh, gonna be just fine.
Just fine.
Of course, uh she has been spending a lot of her time with Ted in the studio.
They seem to really have hit it off I mean, to the point where you might say that she's not quite, uh doing a single bit of work around here.
Mary, you could use a little fatherly advice.
The fatherly advice is, why'd you hire her? Well, that's a hard one to explain, Mr.
Grant.
- She's a crackerjack typist? - Oh, n-n She's a great organizer? A whiz at shorthand? She helped me find my apartment.
Ah! Rule number one: Don't hire friends.
I hired a friend once.
You know what happened? Worked out great.
But that's me.
You can't handle it.
I know.
I can't handle Phyllis.
I've known her for years, and she's just she's Well, she's very intelligent, you know, and, uh Let me put it this way.
If Phyllis were drowning, her life wouldn't flash before her eyes.
Eleanor Roosevelt's life would flash before her eyes.
She's - Lou, can I see you a minute? - No, I'm busy.
- Oh.
- [Phyllis.]
What he say? - What he say? - He's busy.
[Phyllis.]
He's busy? Use your strength.
Try it again.
All right.
Lou? You and I are gonna have a little talk.
- [Shouts.]
What do you want? - I want her here.
Ted, I'm too busy to play games.
Well, all right.
[Clears Throat.]
I'll just talk to the general manager.
All right, Ted.
Let's talk.
Uh, Phyllis, I think you and I have some filing to do.
[Clears Throat.]
Remember when we had that little discussion yesterday? That figure is still in my mind, and this time you're not gonna talk me out of it.
What's more, not only do I want that raise we discussed but I also want some new writers on the show.
Now, Phyllis here tells me this Norman Mailer fellow's pretty good.
And if he's not available, how about this Truman "Capot"? - "E.
" - Oh, yes, that's right.
Truman E.
"Capot.
" Loo [Laughing.]
Look, Ted No, Lou, you look.
Either I get what I want, or I don't go on tonight.
Mary, would you get me the file on available anchormen and their phone numbers? - I may need somebody tonight.
- Yes, sir.
He's bluffing.
You're bluffing, Lou.
Trying to pull the old bluff-a-rino, eh? But it won't work.
Here they are.
I think they're up to date, so almost any of them should be available.
You're trying to bluff me, too, eh, Mar? I'll tell you, it won't work, Lou.
I want that raise, and I want it fast.
- Let's try him first.
- Yes, sir.
[Chuckling.]
Who are you gonna dial, Mar, the weather report? Bluff, bluff, bluff, bluff, bluff.
[Laughs.]
- Hello.
This is Mr.
Lou Grant's office at W - [Dings.]
I think I have some filing to do.
All right, all right.
I didn't say I needed those things I want.
I just said I wanted to talk about it and I talked about it.
- Who were you calling? - Uh, it's gonna be fair and warmer.
Mary, she is dangerous.
She's actually got Baxter convinced he's capable of human thought.
Mary, you've got to - Keep her away from Ted Baxter.
- No.
- Give her a good talking to? - No.
- Fire her? - That's it.
[Sighs.]
It seems a little barbaric, doesn't it, putting candy out to fire somebody? Melts in your mouth, not in your unemployment line.
She was so awful at work today, but it just See, I know it's because underneath that confidence she's really a mass of insecurity, you know? - How am I gonna tell her I have to let her go? - I don't know.
- But you'll think of something.
You're good at that.
- [Knocking.]
- It's me.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Good luck.
- Good luck? What for? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
Uh, listen.
Uh, Phyllis, I have some coffee in the kitchen.
Would you like some? - No.
I had a cup downstairs.
- You're fired.
l-I didn't say that.
Phyllis, it just slipped out.
I just l [Stammers.]
Phyllis, sit down.
Phyllis, I am so sorry I said that, but At least I said it.
At least now it's out.
And the important thing to remember here is that not everybody is right for every job.
I knew it.
I kept telling myself, "Phyllis," I said, "dress dowdy.
" Wh- What? Dress dowdy.
"Sure," I said, "Mary's a pleasant-looking single girl "even a a nice-looking single girl.
But you know how touchy career gals get when you're married and they're not.
" Phyllis, what does your being married and my being not have to do with this? Nothing.
We'll just say you fired me because I'm not right for the job, okay? - Want to say that? - Phyllis.
No, we'll say that.
I'll tell Lars.
He'll get such a howl out of it.
[Laughs.]
Don't worry, Mary.
It doesn't matter, really.
Really.
Lars and I have fantastic plans for tonight.
You know how married people are.
- Oh? Where are you going? - Oh, we're staying home.
Phyllis, will you please stop apologizing? I can't help it.
I mean, I've been just dumb and awful.
I deserve being fired.
And I took it so badly when you told me you had to let me go.
This just really is not necessary.
I just want you to know I know I did a lousy job.
I didn't do the filing, and I came in late all the time, and I got Lou mad at you and I caused dissension in the office, and I just generally didn't do my job.
- And that's all I'm gonna say.
- Good.
Now, will you sign this? - What is it? - A letter of recommendation.
"To whom it may concern.
Phyllis Lindstrom is dependable, efficient, prompt - Just put your signature on it.
- " tactful, takes direction well [Laughing.]
"organized mature attitude" [Mews.]