The Munsters (1964) s01e11 Episode Script

[Yawning.]
Herman, honey, did you enjoy the movie tonight? Oh, it was fine, dear.
Just fine.
[Yawning.]
But you know, Lily, I don't think everybody at the drive-in cared for the picture.
When I got out of the car to get some refreshments, I noticed people leaving in droves.
I noticed that too.
Why, some of them even drove right out through the fence to get out.
And did you see those head-on collisions? Well, that's showbiz.
[Yawning.]
Lily, I'm awfully tired tonight.
I think I'll go up to bed.
Oh.
So early, dear? It's only 2:00 in the morning.
Well, I haven't been sleeping too well lately.
For the past few days, I've been tossing and turning all afternoon.
[Gasps.]
Herman! Oh, I left my fur coat out in the backseat of the car.
Before you go to bed, would you be a dear and bring it in? But, Lily, I'm Oh, come on, Herman.
I don't want to lose it.
It's my new wolf-dyed mink.
All right, dear.
But I'm I'm dead on my feet.
[Wind Whistling.]
[Yawning.]
Hey, it sure got windy all of a sudden.
Yeah.
Freddie.
What? I think we found one.
Hey, you're right, Al.
This is the perfect getaway car for that bank job tonight.
And the keys are in it.
Let's go.
[Stomping.]
Grandpa! Grandpa, are you down there? [Door Creaks.]
What is it, Lily? I'm in the middle of a very big experiment.
Grandpa, listen.
Twenty minutes ago, Herman went to the car to get my coat.
I just looked out front and both he and the car are gone.
Don't worry, Lily.
Why, when I was younger in the Old Country, I was always disappearing in the middle of the night.
Of course, that was before I got rheumatism in my wings.
Grandpa, I hope Herman didn't get any ideas from the movie we saw tonight.
In the picture, David Niven leaves his wife to chase after Tuesday Weld.
Oh, Lily, it's nothing like that.
Why, Herman loves you from the bottom of his hearts.
Of course.
Of course, you're right.
You're right, Grandpa.
I know Herman loves me.
But where is he? What could possibly make a man leave his happy home? Tuesday Weld.
Tuesday Weld.
[Wolf Whistle.]
If there's anything I can't stand, it's a bigmouthed raven.
Hey, Al, where we gonna pick up Marty? You know, the farmhouse.
Then we all take off together from there.
Oh, yeah.
[Snoring.]
Hey, Freddie, wake up, will ya? I am awake.
So how come you just snored? I didn't snore.
How do you know? 'Cause I'm awake.
I know I'm awake 'cause I can hear myself talking.
When I'm sleeping, I don't hear myself talk on account I never say nothing unless I'm awake.
So if I'm awake, how could I have snored? Freddie, do me a favor, will ya? Yeah? Go back to sleep.
[Snoring.]
You mean he just disappeared, Aunt Lily? Oh, yes, Marilyn.
And it's not like Herman.
He's such a homebody.
What's all the excitement? Did Grandpa blow himself up again? [Laughs.]
Of course not.
We can't have fun and games all the time.
Eddie, this doesn't concern you.
Marilyn, will you take him back upstairs and put him to bed? Come on, Eddie.
But gee, I wanna hear what's going on.
Is it okay if I leave the lid open? We'll see, Eddie.
Is it okay if I leave the top half of the lid open? [Creaking.]
Lily, who are you phoning? Well, I'm not gonna just sit by and and do nothing.
- I'm gonna call the police.
- The police? But, Lily, this is not necessary.
Hello? I'd like the Missing Persons Bureau, please.
Yes.
This is Mrs.
Herman Munster.
I'd like to report a missing person.
Yes, it's my husband.
He disappeared this evening.
Yes, ma'am, Mrs.
Munster.
Could I have his description, please? Well, he's about seven feet tall and weighs 380 pounds.
Seven feet, three hundred and eight Well, you see, he's been on a diet lately.
- Age? - Uh Oh, just one moment, please.
Grandpa, how old is Herman? I keep forgetting.
Well, they started working on him right after the War of 1812.
They ran into a shortage of parts at the medical school.
I'd say they sewed up the job around 1850.
Just put down middle-aged.
Any distinguishing characteristics? No, nothing unusual.
You'd never even notice him if you met him on the street.
- Eyes? - Two.
There wasn't room for any more.
I mean, what color? Oh, oh, well, one's brown and one's chartreuse.
They thought it would match his complexion.
- Visible scars? - No.
He has a He has a lovely beauty mark on his forehead though.
It's about five inches long, and it's shaped like a bolt of lightning.
Lily, tell him our address.
Our address! Oh, yes, yes.
We live at And-And please, please call me when you learn anything.
I'm awfully worried.
You see, he left the house in a in a sort of a daze.
Yes, ma'am.
We'll get right on it.
Benson? Yes, Sergeant.
Get out a 106 on a Herman Munster.
The Mockingbird Heights vicinity.
What's up? Well, his wife just called in.
But she was so hysterical, the description's kind of wild.
Just make it, uh Make it a tall, heavyset male with a sallow complexion.
May be suffering from amnesia.
Grandpa, they're going to send out a bulletin, but don't you think we ought to call the morgue? No, Lily.
I think Herman was too sleepy to go and visit anybody.
Hey, Al, look.
The Big Dipper.
Where? Oh, come on.
Let's get in there.
Hey, listen.
I hope we're not late.
Marty always works me over when we're late.
Wise up, will ya? That means he likes ya.
Come on.
Hey, listen, Al.
Yeah? Are you sure the car's gonna be all right out there? Sure.
Nobody's gonna steal a car.
How many times do I have to tell you? People are basically honest.
Hey, uh, we heisted a car.
Got here as soon as we could, Marty.
Yeah, Marty, yeah.
Now we're waiting for some big guy the boss is sending over.
His name is Big Louie.
He's gonna drive the car on the bank job and flatten anybody who gets in our way.
Hey, this is just like them George Raft pictures on television.
Ah, shut up, will ya? So, why don't you deal, huh? All right.
[Wolf Howling.]
[Wolf Howling.]
Hey, Marty, who's this Big Louie anyway? I don't know.
I've never seen him before.
But he's a great big goon.
Supposed to be a regular monster.
Oh, yeah, the boss says he's an ex-fighter.
He's punchy from 20 years in the ring.
Twenty years in the ring? [Knocking.]
That's probably him now.
Uh, excuse me, but I seem to be lost.
You're not lost.
This is the place.
Get in here.
Uh, oh, no.
Maybe you don't understand.
You see my wife's coat Get in Uh, will you please get in here? Well, [Laughs.]
Uh, now that you put it that way.
You're late.
Late? Yeah, come on, you.
Let's get going.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but I couldn't go anywhere with you gentlemen.
Listen, you.
Nobody chickens out in this outfit, see? [Giggles.]
Please, please, I'm very ticklish.
Will you stop the clownin' before I blow holes in you? Now come on.
Gracious.
Hmm.
A lot of rude people in this world.
Let's go, Louie.
Step on it.
Boy, that Big Louie's the toughest-looking hatchet man I ever seen.
Yeah, boy, is he punchy.
How'd he get a face like that? From only 20 years in the ring? Come on, Louie.
There's work to be done.
Gracious.
I'd really rather not, gentlemen, but if you insist.
Hey, did anything escape from the zoo tonight? No, but he kinda fits that 106 we got.
"Herman Munster tall, heavyset, male, sallow complexion.
" Well, let's check him out.
Looking for something, mister? Well, yeah.
I'm looking for an address.
What street do you want? Well, uh, what street you got? What do you think? Fits the description.
Says "a possible amnesia victim.
" Yeah, that's Herman Munster.
Looks like this amnesia victim forgot when to put the bottle down.
Why don't you get in with us, mister.
I think we know just the address you want.
Oh, don't mind if I do.
You know something? I never got this kind of service in Kansas City.
Thank you.
Lily, we've been driving around for hours, and there's just no sign of Herman.
Maybe we should have waited at home for him.
Oh, no, no.
The police never called back.
We simply must keep on looking.
Poor Herman, he's so helpless.
There's a phone, Aunt Lily.
Maybe you could call the police and see if they've learned anything.
That's a good idea, Marilyn.
Gee, I wonder where Pop is.
Oh, Eddie, we should have left you home in bed.
What for? You know I can't go to sleep till it's light out.
Really? Oh, well well, thank you.
Th-Thank you.
Marilyn.
Grandpa.
Guess what.
The police picked up Herman a half hour ago.
The poor dear was walking the streets in a daze.
Where is he now? Well, he was so groggy from lack of sleep that they took him to our house and put him to bed.
They thought he'd been drinking.
Can you imagine? Why, that's ridiculous.
And that policeman made another odd remark.
He said something about our house looking spooky.
Hmm.
Well, there's just no accounting for taste.
As long as Herman is back in bed, why don't we head on home? You know, Herman must have really been in a daze.
They said he kept insisting that his name was Louie.
Keep driving straight, then turn onto State Street.
Gentlemen, if-if you'll only allow me to phone my wife.
She must be very worried about me.
Louie, will you knock it off and do what you're told? Yeah, knock it off.
Pull over there on the right.
Uh, but, Mr.
Marty, that's a bank.
I don't believe it's open this early.
Very funny.
Pull over there, Louie.
[Whistles.]
- [Alarm Ringing.]
- Let's scramble! Come on, Louie.
Move it.
Move it fast! Come on, stupid, move it! Let's go! [Alarm Continues Ringing.]
What are you doing? Step on it.
Uh, but, gentlemen, this is a 25-mile-an-hour zone.
Move it, stupid.
Y-Yes, sir.
Won't this car go any faster, Grandpa? We've gotta get home and see how Herman is.
Faster? We're doing 50 now.
Wait'll I get it out of low gear.
Grandpa, that looked like Herman in that car.
Nah, it couldn't be.
Herman is back home in bed.
It must be someone who looks just like him.
Yes, I guess there are lots of big, strong, handsome men in the world.
[Tires Screeching.]
[Siren Wailing.]
Marilyn, you get Eddie back into bed.
I'm going upstairs and see how Herman is.
Come on, Eddie.
Back in bed.
[Snoring.]
Oh, poor Herman, so tired.
There you are, pussycat.
[Snoring Continues.]
Come on, pour it on.
We gotta lose those guys.
Yes, as soon as I make this boulevard stop.
[Tires Skid.]
Heavens to betsy! I forgot to make a stop signal.
Get movin'! Get movin'! That way! Come on! [Tires Screeching.]
[Siren Wailing.]
Just our luck, it's starting to rain.
Quick, back it up in there.
We got it made.
They're gonna go right past us.
[Gears Grinding.]
Hey, what are you doing? We can't stay here.
It says "No Parking.
Unloading Only.
" What's that crazy kook doing? [Crash.]
You see that, Grady.
That driver wrecked that car on purpose.
All right, you guys, up against the wall, all of you.
Get 'em up! Nice and easy.
Check the driver of the car.
I think he hit his head.
You're gonna tear my coat.
Come on! Hustle 'em out! Get your hands up! Wait.
Now, wait! All right, already.
Hey, here's the loot from the bank job.
[Gasping.]
What's the matter? It's horrible.
Don't look, Blake.
His face it's disfigured for life.
Oh! Poor devil.
You ever see anything so bad? Not since the explosion in the morgue.
All right, easy now.
Easy.
Nice and easy there.
Why don't you come over and lay down over here.
We'll, uh, we'll have an ambulance here for you in a minute.
Oh, uh, thank you, but I don't need an ambulance.
I just wanna go home.
I never heard of anyone so brave.
Brave? [Scoffs.]
Uh, uh, those three men made me drive the car while they pulled a bank job.
I figured the only way out was to wreck the car.
Fine.
You're a very public-spirited citizen, but please try not to talk now till we get you to a hospital.
But, uh, but I don't want to go to a hospital.
In your condition, that's the only place to go.
No, no, no, no, no! L-I won't go to a hospital! Uh, my name is Herman Munster, I live on Mockingbird Lane, and I wanna go home now! An accident? Well, it You must be mistaken, Officer Grady.
It can't possibly be my husband you're bringing home.
She said you can't be her husband.
Let-Let me talk to her.
Hello, Lily? It's me.
Herman? It just can't be you there when it's you here.
I mean, there must be some explanation.
Uh, Lily, I'll explain everything when I get home, dear.
Hmm.
Herman? Who was that on the phone, Lily? Well, he said it was Herman, and it sounded like Herman, but Herman's upstairs.
Grandpa! You and I are going to take a look in the bedroom.
[Stairway Creaking.]
[Snoring.]
Herman? Herman? - Uh, what? [Screams.]
- [Screams.]
It isn't Herman! I know I must have died, and they sent me to the bad place.
Grandpa, there's someone sleeping in my bed.
Who is it? It ain't Goldilocks.
This must be Brimstone City, a-and you're the devil! Hippity-bippity, rinkety-dink, make like a statue and freeze, you fink! [Laughing.]
That'll hold him.
Come on, Grandpa.
I'm gonna get the police on the phone again.
Help.
! Help.
! Let me down.
! Don't go away.
Help.
! Let me down.
! Oh, Grandpa, do you suppose Herman really was in an accident? Now, Lily, don't get upset until you've seen him.
After all, you know that the police have been mistaken about Herman before.
I suppose you're right, Grandpa.
Last time Herman fell asleep in the park, we had to pick him up at the mortuary.
[Lock Clicks.]
Oh, Herman, it's so wonderful to have you back.
Thank you, dear.
Oh, uh, Herman.
Um, I was so worried, I reported you to the Missing Persons Bureau.
They brought around some big lunk who calls himself Big Louie.
Grandpa has him frozen in the bedroom.
Big Louie? Shh! I told the police to wait, and I'd bring him right down.
Do you know something? Those crooks tonight kept calling me Louie.
I'll bet that's the man they were waiting for when I showed up.
I'll go and get him.
[Keys Clattering.]
Okay, Louie, unfreeze.
[Clears Throat.]
Come on, already.
Defrost.
! What are those magic words? Alakazam! Abracadabra.
! Oh, fiddlesticks! Uh, what round is it? Never mind that, Louie.
Just come with me.
You're a good boy.
We'll get you all nice and neat.
I like you.
We have a lot of people downstairs for you to meet.
I've never had such a drive in my life.
At one point, I was driving down the street Come right downstairs to the police.
We'll probably get a reward.
Let's go, Louie.
Come on.
[Both Yell.]
Where's my manager? I was fouled.
I wanna get outta here.
What a frightening person.
You're right.
Can you imagine anyone mistaking him for my big, sweet, handsome husband? Oh, Lily.
Oh, Herman.
You're blushing.
Really? Yes.
You're turning the most adorable shade of green.