The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e11 Episode Script

Okay.
What's the temperature in Acapulco? I don't wanna play Guess the Temperature.
Come on, it's a good game.
Acapulco.
- Seventy-two.
- No.
Think.
- Three-hundred.
- Wrong.
You now owe me $ 10 million.
Okay, new game.
I give you the name of the deceased you tell me what they want in lieu of flowers.
Edna Rosenblatt.
Tree in Israel.
Okay, we're tied.
No, it's New Christine.
I don't wanna talk to her.
- You can't just leave her out there.
- Ugh, well, what could she possibly want? She already got my ex-husband.
Maybe she wants to give him back.
Uh-uh.
I've got a strict no-return policy.
All right, you know what, tell her I'm not here.
I think she can see you.
And hear you.
Oh, crap.
Matthew, do something.
Oh, hey, it's you.
Oh, yeah, I thought you were someone else.
Who? Uh, Edna Rosenblatt.
From Acapulco.
And I did not want to see her.
I owe her a tree.
So, uh, what's up? - Oh, I wanted to run something by you.
- Oh? The Rolling Stones are playing at the L.
A.
Auditorium.
Richard and I thought it would be fun to take Ritchie to his first concert.
We listen to music in the car all the time, and Ritchie's really into it.
But I wanted to check and see how you felt about it.
- The Rolling Stones? - Yeah, most of them are still alive.
- So is that okay? - No.
- No? - No.
- Oh.
May I ask why? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I, uh I just don't think that's a great place for kids, you know? It's crowded and there's pot smoke and drunk people.
If I wanted Ritchie exposed to that I'd send him to his grandparents' for the summer.
- Are you sure you won't change your mind? - I think so.
You think you're sure you won't? You know, I don't know what you're asking but whatever you're asking, the answer is no.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
- What did she want? - Ugh.
She wanted to take Ritchie to a Rolling Stones concert.
I said, no.
What do you mean, no? - What are you doing here? - I was out in the car.
Oh, so you sent New Christine in here to do your dirty work? No.
Christine wanted to be nice.
She didn't feel comfortable going to the concert without asking you.
It wasn't an actual question.
It was a courtesy.
- We don't need your permission.
- Um, I think you do.
Um, no, I don't.
Um, I'm his mother.
- Um, I'm his father.
- Um, no, you're not.
- What? - Oh, sorry.
Richard, come on.
A concert is not an appropriate place for a little 9-year-old boy.
We have third-row orchestra seats.
It might be his only chance to see the greatest band in rock 'n' roll.
I saw them when I was his age, as my father did before me.
Your father also goes to the supermarket without a shirt on.
Christine, in the two years we've been divorced I've never gone against your wishes but this is really important to me, and I'm doing it.
Oh, well, I'm sorry to have to say this but I forbid it.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, you heard me.
I forbid it.
I forbid you from taking him to the concert.
Oh, I didn't realize you forbid it.
I guess in that case, I'll take Ritchie to the concert.
What? No, no, no, I just forbid it.
We're not married.
You've lost your power to forbid.
- That was my greatest power.
- We're not gonna talk about this anymore.
- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.
Yeah Richard, I forbid you from leaving.
Richard, I forbid you from getting in the car.
I forbid you from making that gesture.
I'm powerless.
Yeah, I mean Right.
So that's it? There's nothing I can do? All right, well, thanks for your help.
- Any luck? - No.
Our divorce mediator says there's nothing I can do.
It's Richard's night.
I told him what I was worried about but apparently a mother's intuition is not legally binding.
It's sexist.
How is that sexist? Because we're both white, so it can't be racist.
God, this is so unfair.
When we were married, I had power.
I could forbid.
I could withhold sex.
I ruled with an iron fist.
Now that we're divorced, I'm not the boss of him anymore.
Why did I get divorced? Yeah, and why would he divorce you? - So, what are you gonna do? - Nothing.
There's nothing I can do.
Against my better judgment, I have to hand him over into what I believe is an unsuitable environment.
How could my divorce suck more than my marriage? You sure you're okay, sweetie? - Lf you don't wanna go - I really wanna go.
- I know, but if you don't wanna go - I wanna go.
Listen, darling, it's okay with me if you don't wanna You're not listening to me.
Sorry.
It's just that I'm so excited for you, because it's your first concert.
Yippee.
Heh-heh.
But listen, honey, I want you to remember something if you get lost, you look for anybody in a uniform.
- Anybody? - Oh, no, not anybody.
Not somebody in a Nazi uniform.
Or that uniform Michael Jackson wore for a while.
Oh, yeah, right.
But anybody else in a uniform.
Okay.
Ahem.
Oh, they're not here.
So we better just Hey, there he is.
- You ready for the concert, Ritchie? - Yay! - Don't worry, he's gonna be fine.
- Yup, see you.
- We'll have him home tomorrow.
Wait, wait, wait.
I don't want him to sit too close to the speakers.
- We've got earplugs.
- And don't let him get dehydrated.
- We're bringing water.
- Don't sit next to anybody who's smoking.
Christine, half the band's on oxygen.
No one's gonna be smoking.
Bye.
- Wait, wait, uh - What? - Uh, Matthew? - Rock 'n' roll.
Bye.
- Thanks a lot.
- It's okay, we're gonna have fun too.
Okay, new game.
I name the relative, you name their problem.
- Uncle Jack.
- Liver.
Cousin Laurie.
- Liver.
Great-grandpa Lloyd? - Liver.
Okay, bonus round.
Second cousin Allan? Liver.
They're all liver.
- Okay, Mom's side of the family.
- Lung.
Damn it.
Matthew, the idea of Ritchie all alone with those freaks and druggies and Hell's Angels He's going downtown, not to Vietnam.
And he's not gonna be alone, he's with Richard.
Yeah, that's my point.
Look, Richard's a good guy.
I mean, he can be a goofball sometimes and he does laugh too hard at "The Wizard of Id" but, I mean, he loves that kid as much as you do.
He's not gonna let anything bad happen to him.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I mean, what really could happen? Exactly.
It's not like he's going with our dad.
Then there'd be something to worry about.
Why, what do you mean? Remember, Dad took me to the Dodger game.
He let me go to the bathroom alone and I got lost.
Yeah, I was crying, I couldn't find my seat.
No one would help me, because it was a close game.
I ended up wandering into the locker room.
Didn't you ever wonder why I have that picture of me next to Fernando Valenzuela in his underwear? Dad let you go to the bathroom all by yourself? Oh, my God.
That's exactly the kind of thing Richard would do.
Oh, my God, I married my father.
That's big, but I'll deal with that later.
Wait, Richard's not like that.
Yes, he is.
One day, he left Ritchie in the ball pit at IKEA.
He came all the way home and assembled a bookshelf before he realized that he was gone.
To this day, Ritchie cannot eat a meatball without bursting into tears.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Ritchie.
I'm I'm sorry, you want tickets for what? Uh, the Rolling Stones.
Two tickets.
They're seated in the third row orchestra, so something close to that.
All right, let's see what we've got.
- Is the, uh, front row okay? - Yeah, that would be perfect.
Wait, I might have something a little bit closer.
Yup.
Two tickets right on stage.
Now, it's a little louder, but you might get to dance with Mick.
- Oh, yeah, we'll take those.
- Yeah.
How high are you, huh? We're completely sold out.
It's the Rolling Stones.
Well, if you don't have tickets, then why are you even open? Because, I'm selling tickets to Kristi Yamaguchi The Wiggles On Ice and the gay rodeo.
Whoa, is that all one show? Because I'd see that.
Matthew.
Sir, I'm sorry.
Let me just explain to you my situation, okay? My 9-year-old son is in there with his father and his new girlfriend.
And there's a very strong possibility that he's gonna let him go to the bathroom on his own.
- I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
That's okay.
We keep two emergency tickets available for situations like this.
Is the, uh, fourth row okay? - That would be great, yeah.
- Okay.
Ugh, let me just get those for you.
Where do we keep them? Oh, duh, they're right here.
He's not getting the tickets, is he? Oh, no, sweetie, he's not.
Come on, let's get out of here.
We'll go get you some chaps for the gay rodeo.
No, I have to get in there to see what's happening.
Why don't you call Richard on his cell phone? Because then he'll dig his heels in deeper.
He's stubborn, like Daddy.
Maybe you're overreacting.
Richard's a pretty good dad.
No, I know, I know, but I just gotta get in close enough so I can keep an eye on Ritchie without Richard knowing.
All right, you know, I hate to have to do this but I may have to pull out my secret weapons.
Oh, God.
You're not dragging those things out again, are you? Hey, these babies got me into Live Aid on two continents and the L.
A.
County Fair when I left my purse in the car.
It's hard to believe you're the more responsible parent.
I know, right? Oh, my God, I won't have to.
There he is, all alone.
I knew it.
Ritchie, Ritchie.
It's okay, sweetie, Mommy's here.
- Oh - What the hell are you doing? Oh, sorry, I thought that was my son.
Well, it's not.
You know what, you should keep a closer eye on your kid.
This is a rock concert.
What kind of mother are you? All right, that's it.
We're going in.
This can't be good for me.
Now, where are you going? Uh, well, I'm with them.
No, you're not.
Am I with them now? No, you're getting further away.
Look, this is really important It's always really important, but there's nothing I can do.
- Lf I let every middle-aged, oversexed fan - Middle-aged? I'm not middle-aged.
I'm young.
I'm spry.
For your information, I can still do a backbend.
I mean, from a lying-down position, and I'll need you to spot me.
Okay, I don't do that.
Now, get out of here.
Oh, come on, I really need to get in there.
Nothing I can do.
Tsk.
Well, that's what they said at the L.
A.
County Fair.
You looking? Thank you.
What? - You said, "Good-looking.
" - No, I No, I didn't.
I said, "You looking?" Why would I say, "Good-looking"? Because I'm good-looking.
Well, I guess you're pretty good-looking, yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, um do you know anyone selling tickets? - Yeah, I'm selling.
- Oh, yes, looking.
- No, I'm definitely looking.
- What do you need? Uh, two tickets on the floor.
Uh, no problem.
Five hundred a pop.
Well, that's a little out of my range.
What do you have for $50? I can get you a T-shirt with "The Rolling Stones" spelled wrong.
- Really, that's the best you can do? - Yeah.
For a good-looking guy like me? Oh - Ugh.
Excuse me, uh, do you work here? - Yeah.
Okay, I have got to get inside, and I don't have time to play games so let's quit cutting bait and start fishing.
- Cool! - Okay, can I get in? I just work concessions.
Ugh, oh, my God, I just flashed you for nothing? I can get you a small soda.
Small soda? Okay, a diet, please.
Hey, where'd you get the soda? I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, I have good news.
Two tickets, tenth row orchestra.
- Matthew, that's great.
- Only 300 bucks.
Three hundred bucks? I talked him down from 500.
Plus I got him to throw in this "Rolling Scones" T-shirt.
Hey, well, at least we're getting in.
I'll be able to see Ritchie.
Hey, it might be the last time we're able to see the Stones.
We're not gonna be able to see the Stones, are we? No, sweetie, we're not.
Oh, damn it.
Went right to voice mail again.
Where are they? I'm sure they're on their way.
Let's just go home.
No.
I wanna be here when they get back.
God, the concert ended two hours ago.
This is exactly what I was afraid of, you know? Ugh, I'm so used to being there for him.
I mean, and now, one day a week and every other weekend I have no say in what he does or where he goes.
Ugh, there's nothing I can do about it.
- That sucks.
- I know.
Oh, God.
All right, give me my bra back.
These things are sticking to my stomach.
This definitely is not good for me.
I haven't woken up to that view in a long time.
At least now I know why you married him.
- What the hell are you two doing here? - Richard.
The better question is, where were you all night? What? I was here.
No, you weren't, because we went to the concert and we came back here, and you never showed up.
Because we never left.
We decided not to go to the concert so we rented movies.
We were in bed by 9.
- You didn't go to the concert? - New Christine talked me out of it.
- She did? Yeah.
She saw how upset you were when you dropped Ritchie off.
She couldn't go through with it.
She did that for me? Why? She's nice.
Oh.
Well, tell her I said thanks.
Maybe you should tell her yourself.
Yeah, this is a great way to start the day.
So you saw the Stones? I'm afraid so.
You should really wear underwear under that robe.
Hello? - Hello? - Oh, hi, Christine.
You here to pick up Ritchie? He's still asleep.
Oh, no, actually, I wanted to talk to you.
Um Look, I know I'm not always the nicest person to you and sometimes I make fun of you.
I, uh I do this bit where you can't figure out how to open up a window.
People seem to really like it but it's probably not fair to you.
Yeah, I heard about that bit.
I also heard about the one where I try to drink a soda with my ear.
And that one, while, heh While very funny is, um, also rather unfair to you.
You know, Richard told me that you talked him out of going to the concert and I just wanted to thank you.
Well, I could see you were upset.
I'm not a mother, but I have one.
After my folks got divorced my dad used to do things just to make my mother mad.
That's how I got my ears pierced and my tattoo.
And my half brother.
I always felt bad for my mom.
Oh, well, you know, I don't think Richard was doing this just to get to me.
No, of course not.
Richard's a great dad.
I want you to know, as long as I'm around I'm gonna look out for Ritchie and for you.
Oh, wow.
Thanks.
Ha.
You're a really decent person, aren't you? It's not that hard.
Well, anyway, I won't do those bits anymore.
Probably.
Harder for some people than others.
You know what, that is a really great bra.
It really holds everything up there.
- What kind is that? - I'm not wearing a bra.
You know, you make it really hard to be nice to you.