The Simpsons s01e11 Episode Script

Froggie, I'm home! Hi, little fella.
I got some nice juicy flies for you.
Geez, Louise.
Look at this mess.
I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun-- I like to play with you.
- My back.
- I like to play with you.
- There goes my back again.
- I like to play with you.
I like to play with you.
I like to play with you.
- I like to play with you.
- Go get help, boy.
I like to play with you.
I like to play with you.
I like to play with you.
- I like to play with you.
- Oh, Maggie.
My poor back.
I like to play with you.
I like to p-- I like to play-- - Dad! Homer, what happened? Oh, the boy.
Bring me the boy.
Bart, if you had cleaned up your room when I asked you to, your father's trick back would still be aligned.
So, you'll pick up this mess right now.
Clumsy Homer.
Everything's always my fault.
If he'd just watch out where he was going.
Hello.
What have we here? Hello.
What have we here? A cherry bomb.
I thought I blew all you guys up.
People, people, no rough-housing on the monkey bars.
You there.
Tuck in your shirt.
Watch it.
I saw that.
You certainly have done awfully well for yourself, Spanky.
Mother, please don't call me Spanky on school grounds.
- Wow! A cherry bomb! - What are you going to do with it, Bart? - Watch out, Bart.
It's Skinner! - Uh-oh.
Good morning, Mr.
Skinner.
Morning, boys.
Why haven't you introduced me to your students, Spanky? - Well? - Mother, I would like you to meet Milhouse, Lewis, Richard and Bart Simpson.
This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about? - Mm-hmm.
- But he looks so sweet.
- I am, Ma'am.
- Simpson! Let's move on now, Mother, shall we? - I am, Ma'am.
- Simpson! Let's move on now, Mother, shall we? - Bye, Spanky.
What can I say? I've got a weakness for the classics.
I think I need to make a stop at the little girls' room.
Okay, Mother.
This way.
So long, sucker.
- Now hold it right there, you little-- Mother? - Spanky? Oh, Marge, I still hurt.
Marge.
Marge! Oh, Homer.
How many times do I have to fluff your pillow? Actually, I was wondering if you could make me a grilled cheese sandwich.
- Well, okay.
- Make sure it's squished flat and crunchy on the outside.
I know how you like 'em, Homer.
And maybe some of those little wieners that come in a can? Oh, and some fruit cocktail in heavy syrup.
Marge.
Marge.
Marge, get the door! Principal Skinner! Hello, Mrs.
Simpson.
I'm afraid there's been - a very disturbing incident at school today.
- I'm outta here.
Homer, Principal Skinner is here.
Hello, Principal Skinner.
I'd get up, but the boy crippled me.
Mm-hmm.
I understand completely.
The disturbing incident I was referring to happened this morning when your son flushed an explosive device down the boys' lavatory.
- That ol' gag.
- Unfortunately, at the same moment, my mother was in the girls' lavatoy making use of the facilities.
- Oh, dear.
- Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible.
I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick.
I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.
Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the county? - Hear him out, Marge.
- Well, perhaps I was being a tad glib.
Let me explain.
Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange program.
Normally, a student is selected on the basis of academic excellence or intelligence, but in Bart's case, I'm prepared to make a big exception.
And if you're willing to play along, he can spend the next three months studying far, far away.
Sounds great.
Although, a kid can't learn much in just three months.
Homer, you didn't even ask where Bart would be going.
Actually, he'd be staying in France, in a lovely chateau in the heart of the wine county.
But Bart doesn't speak French.
Oh, when he's totally immersed in a foreign language, - the average child can become fluent in weeks.
- Yeah, but what about Bart? I'm sure he'll pick up enough to get by.
And, uh, the whole thing won't cost you a dime, as long as you're willing to take in a student of your own.
Wait a minute, Skinner.
How do we know some principal in France isn't pulling the same scam you are? For one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy.
You'd be getting an Albanian.
- You mean all white with pink eyes? - No.
No, no, no.
A student from Albania.
It's a county on the Adriatic Sea.
Well, going to France sounds like a fantastic opportunity, but I think Bart should have a say in this.
The life of a frog.
That's the life for me.
Bart, how would you like to spend the next three months living in France? France? Wow! He makes me crazy - At least you get the summer off.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom? - Yes, Bart.
- Wow! And one back? - Mm-hmm.
Well, Bart seems very enthusiastic about the idea.
- Yes, baby! - Way to go! Bon voyage, boy.
Good-bye, my special-- my special little guy.
You will write us, won't you? - All the time.
- What do you know about France? I know I'm going, and you're not.
I'm gonna miss you, son.
And listen, while you're seeing all those great sights, always remember that you're representing your county.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.
- Okay, Dad.
- Is one of you going to be on the charter flight? - Yes, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
Come along.
- Bye.
- Be good.
- We'll miss you.
Hey, man, watch it.
Ooh! Oh! Ow! Oh! Hey, man.
It's me, Bart Simpson.
- Okay, kid.
Let's go.
- Hey! Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise Birds in the trees seem to Louise La la la laa La la la la la Ooh la la! How much longer, sir? This is where we're going, right? Chateau Mah-son.
Eww.
What a dump.
You know, in Albania, the unit of currency is called The lek.
You gotta be kiddin'.
The lek.
And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field.
Give me the old stars and stripes.
And the main export is furious political thought.
- Political what? - Trans Albanian Airlines, flight number two, Tirana to Springfield, is now arriving.
Welcome to your new home.
Escape is impossible.
My name is Cesar.
This is my nephew, Ugolin.
You may find life here at the chateau hard, but if you shut up and do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly.
- He's right, you know.
- Well, okay, sir.
- Adil? - Mother? Well, I guess for the next few months, yes, I will be your mother.
And this must be Lisa and Maggie.
And you must be my new father, Homer.
Affectionate little Albanian, isn't he? Hey, come on, guys.
Quit being so grabby.
Sorry, man.
Be my guest.
You may find his accent peculiar.
Certain aspects of his culture may seem absurd, perhaps even offensive.
But I urge you all to give little Adil the benefit of the doubt.
In this way, and only in this way, can we hope to better understand our backward neighbors throughout the world.
Thank you, Principal Skinner.
Thank you, fellow students.
Although I have only been in your county a few days, I have already found Americans to be most trusting.
Although, officially, I am required to hate you, I want you to know I do not feel it in my heart.
Hurry up, boy.
My grapes are waiting for their water.
How can you defend a country where 5% of the people control 95% of the wealth? I'm defending a county where people can think, act and worship anyway they want.
- Can not.
Can not.
- Can too.
Can too.
Please, please, kids.
Stop fighting.
Maybe Lisa's right about America being a land of opportunity, and maybe Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
Your father is right.
We should not fight.
Friends? Well, okay.
Well, now that that's settled, I'll just clear the dishes.
No, no, Mrs.
Simpson.
You have been oppressed enough for today.
- I will clear the dishes.
- Oh.
Okay.
Did you see that? You know, Marge, this is the way I've always wanted it to be.
We've become a fully functioning family unit.
We've always blamed ourselves, but I guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing.
- Homer! - Your paper-thin commitment to your children sends shivers down my spine.
- May I be excused? - Lisa! Oh, she's just jealous.
She'll get over it.
And if she doesn't, we can always exchange her.
- Homer! -just kidding.
Can I have something to go with my turnip? Quiet! When you work like a man, we will feed you like one.
Now go to sleep! Hey, hey, come on.
Move it, pal.
You leave Maurice alone.
The floor is good enough for you.
You go to sleep there.
- Nice and cozy, Adil? - Yes.
Thank you, Father.
Look, Adil, you can call me Dad.
All right, Dad.
Aw! You called me Dad.
Dad, do you think I could come visit you at the nuclear power plant? - You wanna see where I work? - Oh, yes, very much.
None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work.
- Then I can go? - Well, I'll have to pull a few strings with the boys in security, but sure, you bet.
Excellent.
Now watch me.
You grab the grape between your thumb and forefinger and gently twist it off and drop it in the bucket.
Now you do it.
Very good.
Now do it a million times.
See these? American doughnuts.
Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled.
Now how's that for freedom of choice? Dad, do you think I might see your plutonium isolation module? Uh maybe.
Hold on a second.
- Hey, Lenny.
- Hmm? Does this place have one of those plutonium isolation deals? - Yeah, over in sector 12.
- Sector 12? - Third floor, by the candy machines.
- Oh, that sector 12.
Come along, Adil.
Ungrateful swine! We give you food, we give you shelter, and this is how you repay us! You little shutterbug.
Cheese! Cheese! Oh, wait a minute.
Stupid grapes.
Bunch of creeps! I hate France! You sure have taken a shine to little Adil.
Well, he sure makes life a lot easier around here.
You have to admit that.
Well, okay, I will, if you admit you love Bart.
Okay.
Okay.
I love Bart.
- Well? - What? Well? Oh, Adil's a very sweet boy.
Darn tootin'.
"Dear Bart, How is France?" I don't know why you haven't written.
"I guess you're just having too much fun.
" - Oh, yeah, right.
- Silence! "Everyone here in the United States is fine.
" We think Maggie may say her first word any day now.
Lisa got an A in math, which I'm only mentioning as news.
I'm not putting you down.
And your father, well last night, he went to sleep "talking about how much he loves you.
" Oh.
"Remember to dress warm and try to be as helpful as you can" to your adopted parents.
"All my love.
Mom.
" Oh.
What are you doing? Get out of here! Sorry.
On second thought, Bart.
Bart, come here.
- Drink this.
- No, thanks.
Do not worry.
This is France.
It is customary for children to take a little wine now and then.
Yeah, but it's got antifreeze in there.
- Drink it! - Oh! Ooh! Oh, Bart.
Oh.
You're a policeman, aren't you? Excusez-moi.
Jeneparlepas Anglais.
But you gotta help me.
These two guys I'm staying with, they work me day and night.
They don't feed me.
They make me sleep on the-- I-- I don't want a piece of candy.
I need your-- Come on, Mister.
Can you help me? Oh, forget it.
I'm so stupid.
Anybody could have learned this dumb language by now.
Here I've listened to nothing but French for the past Honey, I'm home.
Hello, Homer.
What's that? Oh, just some blueprints Adil wanted.
I'm telling you, he's such a curious little dickens.
I bet he could build a nuclear power plant if he wanted to.
All right, Sparrow.
We know you're in there.
We'll give you one minute to surrender.
Oh, my! Ooh, trouble in the neighborhood.
Let's check it out.
I'm his neighbor.
What did he do? Well, sir, we-- Well, sir, we've been on the trail of a spy transmitting highly confidential information - to an unfriendly nation.
- Ooh! Mm-hmm.
Through the use of radio triangulation, - we tracked him to exactly this point.
- Wow.
- That's all I can tell you.
- Aw.
All right.
Well, the name of his county starts with the letter "A.
" - Hmm.
Ooh! - Time's up, Sparrow.
We're coming in after you.
Oh, gee whiz.
Adil would get a kick out of seeing this.
- Adil? - The Sparrow! Adil.
Oh, there you are.
Get him! Au revoir, suckers.
So, he's going to prison? No.
We've arranged an exchange for one of our own men caught in Albania.
So, Sparrow, we meet again.
Yes.
Sometimes I think I am getting too old for this game.
Okay, kids.
Let's hurry it up.
Good-bye, Simpsons.
Thank you for your hospitality.
I hope this experience will not sour you on the student exchange program.
- Good-bye, Adil.
- Have a nice trip.
Good-bye, Adil.
I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted.
Air France, flight dix-neufcentquatre-vingtshuit, Paris to Springfield, is now arriving.
Look, Mom.
There he is! - Oh, Bart, my baby boy.
Welcome home.
- Hey, where's the big guy? He means me.
- Hey, boy.
- Hey, Homer.
He brought us gifts.
His first unselfish act.
So, basically, I met one nice French person.
Bart, I have something to say that's gonna bother me if I don't say it.
- It's good to see you.
- Same here.
I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.
Sorry, Marge.
Some wise guy stuck a cork in the bottle.
You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French.
Shh!