The Unicorn (2019) s01e11 Episode Script

1 I just wanted to tell you that Anna is coming to Ben - and Michelle's party.
- I'm Anna, by the way.
- You're Delia's Anna? - And you're Delia's Wade.
This was the most amazing night ever.
I thought so, too.
- Uh, hello.
- Hey.
- It's gonna be a little weird.
- It's super weird.
I'm really sorry about what happened the other day with Grace.
That's not how I wanted you two to meet.
Is she okay? Yeah, she's fine.
I caught her making out with this boy a few months back, so we're even.
- Wow, I run with a fast crowd.
- A very fast crowd.
(CHUCKLES) Aw! Sorry.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh, Life Savers.
Can I have an orange one? Uh, you know what? - Take the roll.
I got to get back.
- All right.
Those pustules won't pop themselves.
You know, second thought, you take those.
- All right.
- Okay.
DELIA: Aw! (CHUCKLES) Ah.
Wow.
- Things are going well, I see? - Yes, but it's tough.
You know, I'd like to see her more, but I've-I've really had to put on the brakes after what happened with the girls.
Okay, you listen to me.
She is damn near perfect for you, and you cannot blow this.
I don't think you know how much I have invested in this relationship.
I know, Delia, and-and I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- Wait.
Why am I apologizing to you? Uh, Wade, what's going on with your garage? - It's a mess.
- Well, it's not that bad.
Oh, it's bad.
I could hardly make it to the fridge.
Haven't you seen Hoarders? You could be on it.
Uh, well, I'll, uh, I'll get to it when I have some time.
No time like the present.
BEN: Wade, she's trying to get you to have a yard sale so she can sell our stuff there, too.
Well, why don't you just have a yard sale at your house? 'Cause we can't.
The neighbors complained about how many yard sales she has.
There's a whole thread about it on that neighborhood app.
That neighborhood app is a bunch of racists.
Okay, that may be true, but they also help find lost cats.
I'll go get my own beer.
So you're just asking to have a yard sale at my house? How does Saturday 8:00 a.
m.
sound? - Really early.
- Trust me, - it's a great way to make money.
- NATALIE: Oh, that's good, so you can take out your gross doctor girlfriend.
Come on, Natalie.
I mean, you haven't even met her yet.
I don't need to meet her.
She's a Gemini.
That was the last beer? Cheers.
Dad, here's the stuff I want to sell.
I don't play with them anyway.
Of course you don't play with them, they're your brother's.
This isn't.
Boy, put that stuff back.
(CHUCKLES) Hold on.
What are these doing here? I know, I know, it's your precious vinyl, but these are duplicates.
You have three copies of James Brown's Merry Christmas Album.
But it's got 11 funky Christmas hits.
Why keep any of this when you can just stream it? Because streaming music is cold and soulless.
It's like I tell all my clients when I'm putting in their systems, vinyl is tactile, the sound is warm and present.
And listening to Digable Planets on anything else (CHUCKLES) should be illegal.
And James Brown is staying.
Next Christmas is gonna be funky.
WADE: Hey, Nat.
Come down here, check this out.
I got a new game.
You know how I never let you - play Aggravated Assault? - Yeah.
Well, uh, I realize that-that you're not a kid anymore, and I thought maybe we could play and, uh, and just kind of talk about things, you know? Because, lately, we haven't really had a chance to discuss everything that's been going on and, you know, what's going on in our hearts and how we feel and Oh, my God, I'm on fire.
(SCREAMING OVER TV) H-How did you do that? That was fun, Dad.
Still hate Anna.
Bye.
I mean, I tried to talk to Natalie on her level, but she saw through me pretty quick.
She's just putting up a wall.
Well, yeah, 'cause she can see that you like Anna.
- Delia.
- Yeah? I've been looking everywhere for something to sell at this yard sale; all I can find are these old glasses.
Okay, well, maybe you can sell those.
Yeah.
I mean, I guess I could.
They're right eye -250, left eye +175.
I mean, that's got to fit somebody, right? Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, this nothing's gonna get better until I can introduce Anna to the girls.
You know, maybe you should wait a little bit, you know, until, you know, after (IMITATES BED SQUEAKING) Is that supposed to be sex? - What-what kind of sex are you having? - Don't answer that.
Look, here's what I want to do: I-I-I want them to meet on neutral ground.
- Let's do it here.
Yeah.
- Really? We'll do, like, a whole dinner party for Anna.
Oh, Delia, thank you so much.
Oh, that would be, that would be so great.
I-I just want something - really casual and-and easy and-and fun.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, so fun, so casual.
Casual, easy, and fun.
That's Delia.
Hey, are you free for dinner on Friday night? I am, and I would love to go on a real date, just the two of us.
- Oh, man, me, too.
- Yeah.
That's not what this is.
- Oh.
- It's more of an awkward staged meeting between you and two girls who are determined to hate you.
- Wow.
You are a hell of a salesman.
- Yeah.
- I'm in.
(CHUCKLES) - Uh, yeah? Okay.
All right.
Yes.
Yes.
All right.
(GIGGLES) DELIA: Addie, honey, you ready to go? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Wow.
Is this all the stuff you're gonna sell? - No, this is everything we're gonna keep.
- Really? Guys, what're you gonna do with all this junk? I mean, when was the last time you even used this? When we went to Moonshine Mountain with Mom.
Ah.
Yeah.
Okay, but what about, uh, what about this little tiny Minions costume? I mean, you couldn't even fit into it anymore.
Mom made that for me out of an old raincoat.
Okay.
Let's Come here for a sec.
Um, I get what you're going through, okay? Your dad dating Anna, it just feels like things are changing really fast, right? You want to hold on to Mom even more, but Mom isn't in stuff, you know? Stuff is just stuff.
She's not any stuff.
Stuff comes, it goes, but Mom's right here.
She's always gonna be right here.
Well, I-I guess we could sell some of this stuff.
That's the spirit.
I know you guys can do this.
Okay.
All right.
- Okay.
- Yeah? Oh.
Hi.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
Couldn't bring myself to do it.
Oh, yeah.
Happy to.
Uh, so, uh, are we good for Friday? - Oh, yes.
I am so psyched.
- Yeah, and you feel okay about cooking for so many people? (LAUGHS) I'm not cooking.
I don't cook.
I'm a doctor.
You know, I got to say, I'm really impressed that a busy doctor like yourself still finds the time to order this much food.
Well, I want things to be special for Anna.
I know.
Is that a special log cabin you're making out of egg rolls? No.
Oh, wait, am I? Oh, God.
I don't know.
- Come on, come on.
- FORREST: Hey, Ben.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING) Forrest.
- Hi.
- So, the yard sale is tomorrow.
- Yeah - What do you got? Here you go.
- That's it? - Yep.
Oh, I, uh, I actually found some, uh, boxes in the back of my closet, too.
- What was in them? - Other empty boxes.
Guys, I scoured this entire house.
I-I don't own anything.
Nothing seriously.
Seriously, nothing.
And it made me think, like, what am I? I used to have hobbies and-and interests.
- Yeah? - I don't know.
Have I organized myself out of existence? - Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
- Okay, all right.
Tell me something that is special or unique about me.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
You're up.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Hey.
- Hi.
- Wow, you look - so beautiful.
Uh - Uh, thanks.
Uh - Uh um, uh, yeah.
- Mmm.
(CHUCKLES) So, uh, you-you ready for this? Uh, not at all, but here I am, so that's - You're gonna do great.
- Great.
WADE: Hey-hey, everybody.
- You remember Anna.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Anna! Oh, wow, what a spread.
Did you get eggplant curry? That's my favorite.
Yes, I know, because you were making yummy sounds at lunch the other day, so I looked in the garbage can afterwards to see what you ate.
- Is that weird? - Uh, yeah.
That's very weird.
- Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) - So, are you ready to meet the most The most important people in your life? Sure.
Let's do it.
WADE: Hey, girls? Grace, you remember Anna.
Um, I-I do.
- Hi.
- ANNA: Hi.
And-and, uh, this is, this is Natalie.
Natalie? Come-come on.
Come here.
ANNA: Hi.
So, um, your dad tells me you play soccer.
Uh, yeah, she sure does, and she's really great at it.
- Yeah.
- ANNA: Cool.
Who's your favorite player? Mine's Alex Morgan, but that's probably just 'cause we're both forwards, so Wait, you-you play? Oh, yeah.
I played soccer, back in college.
Oh, my God, really? Division III.
We were awful.
But I scored three goals and got four teeth kicked out.
See? These four right here.
Can you tell? Cool.
Addie.
Addie, she got her teeth knocked out! (LAUGHTER) - You found her weak spot.
- Yeah, well, if that didn't work, I had six puppies in my purse.
- (LAUGHS) - WADE: Oh, uh, Anna was actually just telling me that she really likes music.
And I know that-that you really like music.
Wow.
Yeah.
I-I think everyone likes music.
- (LAUGHS) - Yeah.
That was kind of rough.
- Was that rough? Was it lame? - It was rough.
Okay, so maybe you guys can get together and talk about how lame I am.
- We can do that.
Yeah.
- It's an easy topic.
- Yeah.
- There's lots to talk about with that.
Is he always like this? - Kind of.
- Yeah? - And you're dating him because ? - (LAUGHS) MICHELLE: Well, it looks like it's going well.
Yeah.
Anna and the girls might be hitting it off.
They are, aren't they? BEN: And now that you like her and the girls like her, there's nothing to stop you and Anna - from taking things to the next level.
- Mm-hmm.
FORREST: Yeah.
(GRUNTING) Uh-huh.
- Come on, man.
- Uh-huh Uh, excuse me.
What are you doing? The sign says yard sale.
Oh, so you know your letters, but you still don't know your numbers? It says we start at 8:00.
I'm posting about this on the neighborhood app.
- I bet you are.
- WADE: Please don't make my neighbors - hate me.
- No guarantees, buddy.
Here you go.
Hey, so, uh, there's nothing standing in the way now, right? You and Anna? No.
No, just got to plan the perfect moment.
MICHELLE: Perfect moment? Ben and I did it waiting for waffles to pop up this morning.
You know what? You're right.
- There is no time like the present.
- Mm.
Any chance you guys could take the girls - for a sleepover tonight? - BEN: Hell yes.
- Really? - But if you want to have more sex in the morning, just shoot me a text and I'll take the kids to breakfast, too.
MICHELLE: And if need be, we'll keep them all day.
Guys, I appreciate it, but I think you're way overestimating me.
- Maybe.
Maybe not.
- BEN: Ah! - MICHELLE: There you go.
- Maybe not.
Maybe not.
Go get her, tiger.
- These are my puzzles.
- Okay.
Well, - I will, I get more money - DELIA: Guys, I-I am so proud of you for getting rid of all this stuff.
Yeah, well, you're right.
It's just stuff.
Yeah, I mean, do you really want to waste all this wonderful space in your house on, like, a home yogurt maker or Happy Meal toys? - (LAUGHS) - Or this ridiculous hat that Jill and I got at the county fair because we were getting so burned.
And I can't believe she kept it.
- Should we go put it out on the table? - Yes.
- That's where we're gonna put all the stuff - Mm-hmm.
'cause it's just stuff, it's just stuff.
Yeah.
What is this? Banana hanger.
What do you use it for? You hang your bananas on it.
- How much? - Two dollars.
- I'll give you ten cents.
- No.
- You serious? - Yes.
- Can I use your bathroom? - No.
Are you serious? Eh.
FORREST: Oh, man.
Check this out.
Sly and the Family Stone? Tribe Called Quest? Outkast? These are great.
How much for these? Why do you care? You don't even own a turntable.
Yeah, but I saw one last week at the hipster store - where I got these pants.
- No.
Pants and audio equipment should be two different stores.
Yeah, but there was a great deal.
Free trucker's hat with every purchase.
Yeah, you're not getting my vinyl.
Oh, come on, man.
I need a thing.
You know that.
This could be my thing.
- I could be vinyl guy.
- Yeah.
But not with my vinyl.
(GROANS) D-Did you get these out of my fridge? Oh, yeah.
You want to buy one? No, I don't want to buy one, I want half your profits.
What do you have against the small businessman? (CHUCKLES) - Girls, how's it going here? - NATALIE: Oh, great.
We just sold Mom's old sun hat.
- Ah.
Keep up the good work.
- (CHUCKLES) Really? - I mean, really? - GRACE: Yeah.
I mean, we had to throw in a beach towel, but Oh.
Wait, the one with the pelican on it that we got in Hilton Head? You were right.
I'm glad we're getting rid of this stuff.
Yeah, right? Feels good.
So good.
- Wow.
Yeah.
Me, too.
- (CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) More stuff FORREST: Hi hey.
- Hey.
- So, a little birdie tells me that, uh, tonight's the big night.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, it's, um, it's the big-big night.
Sure.
Sure.
You remember how to do it, right? Hey.
You asking this man if he remembers how to have sex? I don't know! I don't know.
I'm nervous for the guy.
- Yeah.
- You know? I'm nervous for you.
And as soon as I heard, I ran out and I got you something.
- What? Really? - Yeah.
It's nothing.
Oh, Forrest, thank you.
That's very, very sweet.
- You're welcome.
- But I-I can get my own condoms.
- Oh, okay.
That's cool.
I just - Thank you, though.
Thank you.
I didn't know whether you'd be embarrassed or not.
I sure was.
I had to drive all the way down to Garner where no one knows me.
Boys, thank you so much for your interest.
I will see you gentlemen on the other side.
- Oh, man.
- Wow.
- Huh.
- Look at him go.
There goes a great man.
I'll give you a buck for the mug.
Sold.
- No, not sold.
- Okay, I'll give you two bucks.
- Great.
Even better.
- No, nope.
Nope.
Is there something I don't know about that mug? It's not for sale.
Did you know that, Joan? Now you do.
Excuse me, um, yeah, you're not gonna want that, either, no.
Oh, is it missing a piece? Technically, it's missing ten, but Jill and I still did this every Christmas, so yeah, it's not for sale.
But it's a yard sale.
Just take a hike, Jeff, would you? Just move it along.
No.
It's not for sale.
What part of that did you not get, okay? Joan, can you put that down? Thank you, not yours.
Okay, um, actually, everybody? I just want to make a little announcement.
(WHISTLES) Heads up.
This table is off-limits.
Nobody touch anything here, okay? Because this is not for sale.
WADE: Uh, Delia? - You okay? - Yeah, it's just, this is all Jill's stuff.
WADE: Yes.
But a wise woman once said that-that Jill is in our hearts.
Yeah, but she's also in this stuff.
And I want to keep it.
- WADE: I know.
- (DELIA CRYING) Hey, Delia.
You can take it.
GRACE: We have a bunch of stuff to remember her by.
You should, too.
You should.
Okay, okay.
(SNIFFLES) - Okay, great.
Yeah.
- Here.
- (CHUCKLES) From New York.
- Oh, from New York.
- What about Hamton? - Yeah, yeah.
Give me that.
- Hawaii.
- I need that, I need that.
Do we have a bag? - Do you guys have a bag? - Yeah, we have a bag, get a bag.
Beer! Five dollars! Uh, I got to go stop a small businessman.
- NOAH: Five dollars, right here! - Uh, okay.
Please do.
(WADE SIGHS, GRUNTS) What do you have against capitalism? 70-30? (DOGS BARKING) (CHUCKLING): Oh, hello, doggies.
Hi.
- Hi.
(CHUCKLES) - Wow, they really like you, - and they are very picky.
- Are they? - Nah, they're dogs.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - Ah - You know what? That restaurant was so nice.
Especially after the break room.
You know what would be, um - great after the wine at that restaurant? - Hmm? - More wine.
- (GASPS) I can make that happen.
(CHUCKLES) I had a feeling.
Mmm - Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, these are great.
Are these, uh for that giant house - they're building on Idlewild? - WADE: Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gonna be, uh, it's gonna be beautiful.
I'm gonna do a, a decomposed granite walkway with, uh succulents on either side.
I can walk you through the whole thing.
Or not.
Kind of dorky.
(CHUCKLES) Well, so am I, so that sounds great.
(PLAYS SINGLE NOTE) (PLAYS TWO NOTES) (PLAYS SONG) Ah.
The wine has arrived.
You okay? (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, Jill used to play that piano.
Almost every night.
(CHUCKLES) The whole family would-would gather round.
She used to sing.
And we would, we would all sing.
Jill was a much better player than she was a singer but she never let that stop her.
She never let anything stop her.
She sounds pretty amazing.
(VOICE BREAKS): She really was.
Uh, I'm sorry.
(SNIFFLES, EXHALES) You're not ready for this, are you? I'm not.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
You know, I think I'm gonna go.
Yeah.
(EXHALES) (EXHALES) (EXHALES) I was lecturing the girls on dealing with their grief, when I clearly haven't dealt with my own.
That mug has a leak.
- I don't care.
- Uh, how's Anna doing? Uh, you know, she'll be all right.
- She cried a little.
- Yeah.
But then she got that really sweet e-mail from you.
Then she cried a lot.
Then she told me she was going to Botswana to fight some, you know, Lassa fever outbreak, so, yeah.
She's in her happy place.
- Well, good-good for her.
- Yeah.
- She's so amazing.
I'm sorry.
- (DOOR OPENS) - But she's really great.
- Yeah.
Well, guys, that was a good yard sale.
- I made $630.
- You $630? Mm-hmm.
Oh.
And, Wade, this $16 is for you, - Noah said it was your cut.
- Oh, I broke even.
- (CHUCKLES) - Hey, Forrest? What you got there? These are for you.
- No.
You had a change of heart? - I did.
No, he didn't.
I wouldn't let them back in the house.
This is I have a thing.
I got a thing.
I Deels, I got a thing! - Yeah, you do.
- I got a thing.
- Congrats, Forrest.
- This is so cool.
Thank you.
- Oh, man.
I'm vinyl guy.
- Okay.
(CHUCKLES) This is beautiful.
- I'm gonna nail it up to the wall.
- Give 'em back! Ah! I'll be in the car.