The Venture Bros (2003) s01e11 Episode Script

I commend thy soul to God the Father Almighty and thy body to the ground earth to earth, ashes to ashes, and dust to dust Damn it.
We're late already.
Is my tie on straight? Yeah.
You really can't miss with a clip-on.
We never should have stopped.
Why is it every time I need to get somewhere We get waylaid by jackassery? Pants! But it was a good thing we did, Pop.
The ant people needed our help.
Help, schmelp.
The big reward they promised us was nothing but an old, licked-up Jolly Rancher.
But they did give us the key to their enchanted underground city.
And Brock made special friends with their queen.
You can't put a price on that.
My point exactly.
You trying paying the electric bill with Who shall change our vile body that it may be like unto his glorious, eternal super-body Holy! Heh.
Sorry.
Um, Sorayama funeral? Oh, great.
Thanks a bunch.
No harm done.
We didn't miss it.
We are gathered to bid farewell to our beloved Michael Sorayama whom the Great Shepard, in His ultimate, unknowable wisdom has called back to His heavenly flock.
Funerals are creepy.
What's the big deal? You see dead guys all the time.
When? Dude, just last week Brock killed two dervishes with a pillowcase full of Cokes right in our bedroom! He just knocked them out.
Go sing yourself another lullaby, baby Dean.
The police took them away in body bags.
Sleeping bags! Those were sleeping bags! Hey, Pop, are we related to this guy? I mean, am I supposed to be all sad and stuff? No, Hank.
He's someone your father knows from college.
Wow.
Is that back when you had hair? Yes, I had hair then, Dean.
Some say too much.
No, I haven't cut it yet.
I'm growing it out.
The kids wear it long these days.
Where have you been? Let's just not fight about it, Rusty.
We wouldn't be fighting if you quit riding me about my 'do! And it's "T.
S.
", now.
Nobody calls me Rusty anymore.
You going to give me a hard time about that now, too? Not so long as I can still call you "son.
" Whatever turns you on, man.
Oh, um, H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
says hello.
Shall I put him on? No! Look, Dad, I got to go.
How does my father always know when I'm in my room? Hey, do you think I could talk to him, T.
S? 'Cause I'm thinking of switching my major to robotics and I'd love to pick his brain.
Yeah, he doesn't really know that much about robots.
They're a fad anyway, Mike.
You'd be better off majoring in Betamax for all the good a robotics degree is going to do you in a couple of years.
I don't know, "Blade Runner" was just so cool! What's this? Chem 1? Thought you did A.
P.
for that in high school.
Yeah.
No, it's not I'm just I'm tutoring Leslie Cohen.
Tutoring? You're doing her homework.
That's 'cause he's got a tiny Chiney chubby for her.
Hey, fellas.
You were there, too, Mr.
White? Oh, yeah.
I was the DJ for the college radio station and everything.
What's a tiny Chiney chubby? So you and Pop and this dead guy were all, like, roommates? No, no.
They just hung out in my room a lot.
My roommate was A freshman! You believe that? That's all I need, some kid tagging along, all wanting me to show him the ropes.
It's going to totally harsh the vibe of Casa de Venture.
So is he a spaz or what? I don't know yet.
He moved his stuff in when I wasn't here.
But dig his name's Brock Samson.
Can you imagine? Ten bucks says he's a fat kid.
Wait, you lived with Brock? That is so unbelievably cool! No wonder you guys are such super pals! Actually, back then we didn't see much of each other.
We had very different schedules always coming and going at different times.
Tell them who really won the roommate lottery that year.
Oh, God.
Don't remind me.
OK, so the university sticks me with this exchange student.
But check it out, he's like a prince or something.
His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday.
You know what he got? A personal slave.
The poor guy sleeps in my closet.
Oh, speak of the dickweed.
Hey, Verner.
Baron Underbheit! Yeah.
You told them? No! Baron Underbheit is right there! Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt! Relax, boys.
He's not going to do anything.
It's hallowed ground.
So what was he like in the olden days? Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same total dick.
The tape was on the floor for a reason, Peter.
Your things belong on your side of the room.
And don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger.
If you cannot obey the simplest of rules Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella.
You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just the kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.
Very well.
Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.
A.
at the next floor meeting.
Come, manservant.
Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk? What, did he walk into the barbershop and say "What can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?" Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.
Yeah, but you're Chinese.
You people can't be blamed for what your hair does.
I'm Japanese, jerk-off But, yeah, that's so true.
At least I don't have his eyebrows.
You want to see eyebrows, come to my creative writing class.
There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here.
And the weirdness doesn't stop there.
All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies.
Total closet-case! OK, this is just getting nuts.
You are not going to tell me you went to college with the Monarch, too.
Where did you guys go, super crazy, no way school? It was Michael's last wish that he be escorted to his eternal resting place by those who were closest to him in life.
T.
S.
Venture, Peter White, Verner Underbheit, Brock Samson if you would, please.
Nope.
Was that supposed to happen? Nope.
Sorry, wasn't me.
I've got something planned for next week, I think.
But no.
So much for that theory.
Dean, what are you doing? I know you miss Dad already but this is no time to go through the old photo album.
We need to get busy and come up with a rescue plan.
I'm thinking we bust out the hover bikes Ioad them up with, like, hand grenades and plasma cannons No, Hank, l Hear me out, Dean-o.
You're a smart kid and all but you're not a wartime consigliore.
Hank, we're not grown up enough to rescue Dad and Brock by ourselves.
We need help.
What about the ant people? They owe us one.
I've got a better idea.
Hello? Cool.
Told you he's still alive.
Sir, you don't know me, but I'm Jonas Venture's grandson.
Our dad's been kidnapped.
We think a ghost might have done it.
Say no more, lads.
Team Venture is on the case.
Just you sit tight, and I'll summon the others.
Kiki, lay out my traveling suit and fetch my walking stick.
A quest is afoot.
Kano, you stalwart old man-mountain, we're needed once again.
Master Rusty's in trouble! Salutations.
Do you have a moment to talk about the Lord? That's OK, kids.
More room in the Kingdom for us.
Oh, Rodney, no.
You're too old.
You're going to get hurt.
Aw, for corn's sake, Jeanie, I got to do this.
I took an oath.
Now where are the pads? What pads? The maxi pads gathering dust under the sink.
What the hell pads do you think? My action man uniform knee pads.
Oh, those.
The ones that go on your uniform? And now she gets it.
What does it look like I'm doing here? You did this.
You did this, didn't you? As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson.
You've succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon chained to an albino.
Great.
Way to bodyguard.
Got any more super theories about who did this to us? Oh, hey, guys.
It's really you! I'm so glad you all made it.
Son of a gun, you really surprised me.
I didn't think you'd all show up for my funeral.
And now I get to return the favor.
Good day to you.
Colonel Horace Gentleman, R.
A.
F.
, M.
I.
5, et cetera retired.
We spoke on the watch.
And may I introduce my counterparts from the original Team Venture? Kano, master of the martial arts.
How do you do? Careful, lad.
Those hands of his are strong enough to crush a boulder yet delicate enough to crush a butterfly.
Otto Aquarius, exiled son of Atlantis.
Salutations.
And finally, the Action Man.
How you doing? So enough with the formalities.
What say we get down to it? Eat up, guys.
This is your last meal.
I had it brought in special from the State University dining hall.
Mike, it's nice to see you're not dead and all but are you going to tell us why you've got us chained up in a dungeon? Yeah, pally, what the hell? Enjoy.
Thank you, ladies.
You're welcome, Mike.
We love you, Mike.
Aren't my robots beautiful? Notice anything familiar about them? Yeah, I had that issue of "Heavy Metal," too.
Now quit screwing around, Mike.
What's this about? They're what this is about, Rusty.
Look closely at their faces.
Leslie Cohen? Don't they look just like her? You made Leslie Cohen robots.
Jeez.
Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.
Sure, but why would you do that, fella? To have sex with, Pete.
I think that's obvious.
The man was obsessed with her in college.
So? He was obsessed with Coco from "Fame" the year before.
Leslie's different! I loved her! Then why don't you just let us all go, pick up the phone and call her up like someone who's not a total freak? Because of the restraining order and because I need to make you all pay for what you did to me.
What did we do to you? Funny you should ask, Verner.
I have a list, and you're first.
Ah, there she is, the queen of the skies in her day.
A gleaming metal beauty.
What memories she conjures.
So, tell us who we're up against, boys.
Who took your father? Was it the Velvet Phantom? The Invisible Fist? The Mesmerist? Troublemakers Incorporated? Look, we don't know who did it.
And we don't care, we just want to find Pop and Brock.
Ah, that part's gravy pie.
Your granddad implanted a homing device in one of your father's molars when he was just a kid.
Yes, little Rusty had a penchant for getting himself kidnapped about once a fortnight.
Why, I remember one time I believe it was during the case of the Metal Mandingo What's that sound? Gas! We're being attacked.
Simba? Honey? - Action! - Attack! Holy crap! No, don't! No, no! Everybody calm down! He's just our neighbor.
Sure, I know what you're thinking, he looks like a Dracula.
But honest injun, he's OK.
I was.
Wow, Dr.
O.
, I didn't know you could turn into snakes.
I can't.
I'm merely adept at clouding the minds of men and obfuscating that which their eyes perceive.
Really, I was right here the whole time.
Then these ain't snakes, either.
Put 'em up.
Two years, seventeen days.
- What? - From a stroke.
Good day! You like it? Pure Underlandian sesame.
Ah, you're right, Underbheit.
This is some good stuff.
Hey, that rhymes Right, Underbheit.
Psyche! It's oregano! You've been smoking a lie, you tiny fool.
Come on, Mike, you're not high.
Give it up.
Mike? Allergic oregano.
It wasn't funny.
I could have died, Verner.
More importantly, I had to cancel my study date with Leslie.
That's it! I will tolerate no more of this madness.
Anyone else like to test my Leslie bots? Good.
On to you, Pete.
Weird seeing someone else drive the X-1.
Relax, lads.
Despite his racial handicap, Kano here is a crackerjack pilot.
Why, he can land her on a puffin or a smurf.
Hey, how come you're not all old and stuff like the other guys? I am.
I just age slower because I'm half-Atlantean.
Wow.
How do I get to be one of those? A drunken sailor has to have his way with your mer-mom, kid.
You know, if you're interested in a longer life I have some good news to share with you.
- Really? - Great! Uh, thanks.
We're coming up on it.
Kano, bring her down.
Hey, what the fu Watch your language, kid.
- Where is he? - Ow.
Where is who? Hey, what are you guys doing? All right, punk, what did you do with him? Who do you work for? Leave the boy be, Rodney.
That molar has obviously been here for ages.
No, Kano.
I don't think time machines figure into this caper.
This is, after all, the same university young Rusty attended twenty years ago.
Oh, yeah.
Jonas made us move his stuff in here.
Young Rusty most probably removed his own tooth in a somewhat misguided fit of youthful rebellion.
Boys, is there anything you forgot to tell us about the kidnapping? Anything at all that might be helpful? It's like we said.
We went to the funeral for my dad's college friend Mike Sura soma sonar Sorayama? Professor Sorayama? He didn't die, did he? Because if he did, why am I busting my ass on this term paper? Dude, you beefed.
You're listening to the White Room.
I'm your host, the ever popular Pete White.
This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen from her little buddy Mike Sorayama.
And he writes, "Leslie "I masturbate furiously to your picture every night.
"Please notice me.
"Love, Mike.
" Hey, I got kicked off the air for that.
Isn't that enough? Not by a long shot, Pete.
Go ahead and laugh while you can, Rusty.
You're next on my list.
Out of everyone, you betrayed me the most.
The old fake coffin trick.
Gadzooks, you think I would have remembered that one from the Mystery of the Old Fake Coffin.
Salutations.
Do you have a moment to talk about the Lord? Now! Action! Good work, Otto.
Go, Team Venture! Wow.
Huh? Now that's how it's done.
OK, gentlemen, here's the plan.
OK, my barbarian swings his +3 battle axe.
No.
The Leslie golem's skin is like rock.
What the hell's a Leslie golem? A very powerful creature that looks just like Leslie Cohen.
Oh, for Pete for my sake.
Looks like Leslie Cohen, huh? Well, then my wizard seduces her.
What? You can't do that.
Sure I can.
I have, like, twenty-five charisma points.
I want to seduce her.
No, don't! It's Leslie.
Oh, come on! You're going to kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life? Don't act so innocent, Rusty.
How do you explain what happened the next morning? - Oh, hey, Mike.
- Leslie? Shh.
He's sleeping.
I did no such thing! I didn't lose my virginity till I was twenty-four.
It must have been Brock.
Leslie bots, assemble! Destroy Brock Samson! Oh, this is going to be a fitting punishment for that big bully.
You all must secretly be thanking me for this.
You were there, you know what he did the night of our last D&D game.
Of course, none of us knew at the time he'd been thrown off the football team that very day for accidentally killing Tommy the quarterback or that he'd get super drunk on his way back to the dorm.
What are you looking at? But that still doesn't justify what he did.
Who the hell are you? I think that's your roommate, Rust.
Have at you, sir! Hey, what are you no, no! Hey! No! Please, l Somebody stop him! Hey! Finally! I got to see this.
You broke our friends, Brock.
They were helping us rescue you guys.
Oh, sorry.
Medical assistance Bloody hurt.
Leslie, Leslie So it all comes together.
He's not just a ghost, he's a ghost robot! That explains everything.
No, Hank.
I think he's just a robot.
Which means the real Mike Soranamana is probably hiding somewhere.
And I think I know where! So he really did die.
So, what, he programmed his robots to hate us, too? I guess.
Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else today.
So, what do you say we get out of here before he starts to stink, huh? Uh Rust? Sorry, man.
I don't know what came over me.
Anyway, they cut my scholarship, so I'm out of here.
Going to join the army.
Oh, yeah, someone from Venture Industries called while you were at the infirmary.
Your dad died.
Later.
That's good soup!