Thirtysomething (1987) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday Dear Elliot Happy Birthday to you It's somebody's birthday.
So what about your dad? Anyway.
So my dad.
When I was, like, 11 or 12, he took me to Goldfinger, and after that he figured I knew everything I needed to know about sex.
That was sex education for me.
What was her name? - Honor Black? - Honor Black? In my mind forever.
My mother gave me a book, and then she told me to read it and then ask her if I had any questions.
So I read it, and then I asked her if she could take it back and get me National Velvet instead.
See, nobody ever told me anything.
I had to figure it out all by myself.
- Oh, poor thing.
- And a very nice job you did, too.
Baby, it's all who you work with.
Oh, you two! You're revolting.
I don't know if I can deal with all this cutesy I mean, people who've been married for five years.
Am I getting a little conflict or hostility here for my birthday celebration? - Come on here! - The last time that Elliot said anything that sweet to me, Nixon had just resigned.
- Oh, Nancy, come on! Oh, poor Nancy.
- It's true! It is true! We don't relate that way anymore.
I mean, that's why I Michael and Elliot's company.
Two hucksters.
No waiting.
The three-ring notebooks? They come in, uh, blue and, um Blue.
Blue? Wait.
Could you hold on for one second, please? Janine, would you handle this? Bye! - Bye.
- Good-bye.
Oh, listen.
Bye, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Bye.
- I'm coming.
- Thanks.
- So, why what? Oh, it's just an idea.
What? Nancy? Well, what do you guys think of marriage counseling? Oh, yeah.
That'd be great.
We all four could go.
- We could get a special group rate.
- Juice.
- You want some juice? - Juice? I think that every marriage could probably use an outside agitator.
Yeah.
You know, I think it'd be fun.
Get in there and really figure out the dynamics of our relationship.
Alice Hampton and her husband went to see a marriage counselor.
- Look what happened to her.
- What? She's the channel for a 400-year-old Albanian sheep farmer.
- A sheep? - No, this is true.
- It's true? - It's like this.
They go like this.
Baaaa! - Baaa.
- Baaaa! No, really.
It's true.
Baaaa.
No, I think it's a good idea.
I do.
How do you find a A marriage counselor? What, do you look in the Yellow Pages? Yeah, yeah.
You can get a special lube job - thrown in, too.
- What about Gary? You know, that's true.
Gary.
We know somebody in Haverford.
Or what about Melissa? What about her therapist? Look, you You guys, please.
I mean, this is embarrassing enough.
We don't have to include the entire known world.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Just, uh, bring bagels.
Bring cream cheese.
No onions.
And j And Uhh.
Michael? You there? Uhh! People around here are such slobs.
Elliot's birthday cake, it's all over my desk.
It's all over the floor.
It's a nightmare.
Meanwhile, Elliot and Nancy are really in trouble, I think.
They want to see a marriage counselor.
I kinda suspected as much.
Listen, Nancy might call you to ask if you know anybody.
So just, you know, act surprised.
I know nothing.
What's wrong between them, anyway? Oh, I don't know exactly.
They fight a lot.
- What about the kids? - I said a marriage counselor, not a divorce lawyer.
What is with people these days? Can't anybody fight the good fight and solve their own problems anymore? How can you say that to me? You're different.
- Your problems are epic.
- Gee.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Elliot.
Elliot.
- Get off the phone, Elliot.
- Great.
Thanks a lot.
- I appreciate it.
- Do not bury these - in the drawers in the bathroom - That was Gary.
- For you? - Yeah.
He has a buddy, Bob Nicholson, who's a marriage counselor.
That's terrific.
Michael.
Why don't you just try a billboard on Broad Street? "Elliot and Nancy marriage on the rocks.
Watch this space.
" I only told Melissa.
Who only told Gary.
Are you mad? No.
Anyway, it's a therapist.
That's what you wanted, right? It's what Nancy wanted.
What do you want? Courtside season tickets for the Sixers? Hi.
I'm Robert Nicholson.
Hi.
Uh, Elliot Weston.
- Hi.
How do you do? - Hi.
Nancy.
- Hi.
Come in.
- Hi.
Mmm? You're, uh, younger than I thought you'd be.
Gary Shepherd and I were in grade school together, actually.
I used to beat him up at recess.
Well.
Uh How can I help you? Well, I we've we've never done anything like this before.
Um maybe you should just tell us what we're supposed to do.
Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourselves.
- I actually - Well, we have two kids.
Um, Ethan is 6, and Brittany's 3.
And we've been married, um oh, God.
12 years.
12 years.
It was a one-night stand that got out of control.
Um Elliot works for his own advertising company that he started, and I don't I don't work.
I stay at home with the kids.
That's work.
Well, yeah, but I mean You know what I mean.
You know, pretty good, really.
I mean, uh, Nancy's unbelievable with the kids.
Uh, she's she's got so much patience with them, you know? And And so much love.
Is Is this what we're supposed to be talking about? Better? Uh I mean, what What's supposed to be better? I mean, you're the one who thinks things are bad, so No.
No, I don't think things are bad.
Yeah, right.
This is her idea of fun.
After this, we're gonna go see Cries and Whispers.
Sex? Ooh.
Oh.
Uh I don't know.
Sex is I mean, I'm still trying to remember what sex is like.
Uh, no, sex is, you know, I mean, um it's it's fine.
Sex is sex.
- You know? - Don't do that.
- What? - Just tell him.
What? Huh? Nancy, what? Mmm? Uh Elliot is is is very unhappy with our sex life.
- Nancy.
- Just go ahead and tell him.
I I mean, we're here.
You might as well take advantage of it and just talk to him.
I I mean, you never miss the opportunity to let me know how you feel about it, so just tell him.
Oh okay.
Um he he he thinks that I I'm not interested in sex anymore.
He thinks that I don't take care of his needs.
Is that true? If she says it, it must be true.
- Oh, stop it.
- Stop what? Stop what? You seem to have all the answers.
Damn it, Elliot.
I am trying to save our marriage.
I am trying to understand why it is that you're so miserable every day.
Day in and day out, you're you're You're you're insulting, and you're complaining, and you're angry.
Now, I I do.
I think that I have the right to understand what it is you feel.
I don't know why you don't - talk about this.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You No, no, no.
You don't know what I'm thinkin'.
You don't know what I w You want to know why we're here? - Right here.
Right there.
- What? Because you don't want to know what I'm thinking.
- You don't care what No, no! - That is not true! You don't even want me to think.
That's what it is.
You No.
You know what? You won't be happy - until everything is just the way Nancy wants it.
- No.
- That's it.
Till it's just Nancy.
- No, that's not it.
Everything's just the way you want it.
That's it.
Now, isn't it? You know it.
Future? I mean, I don't know what What what, uh What is there to think about the future? I mean, we could have a nuclear war.
Or Or we can just go on.
No, we can't just go on.
Do you want to set up a regular time to talk about some of these things? Think there's hope for us? What about in between? I mean, we go home, and we we don't talk about things like this.
So, I mean w-what's gonna happen Oh, I don't I I don't I don't really know what I'm talking about.
I think what you're talking about is you're angry.
And that's scary.
But I think you'll find that it's not as destructive as you're afraid it's gonna be for either of you.
Yeah, but what's scary is I wonder if we discover that that's all there is is is anger I don't think there's just anger, or you two wouldn't be here.
So is this a good time for you every week? X-E-N-O-N.
Triple letter on the X.
Wouldn't you know.
Right on the X.
- Perfect.
- I don't believe you just got that.
24, 25, 26, 27, - 28, 29, 30.
Write it down, Michael.
- Oh, my God! What, you don't trust me? - I know you too well.
- Please.
So, they're seeing the marriage counselor tonight? - They should be back by now.
- Oh, God.
That's sad.
Why do I even bother having a relationship? Oh, stop.
You really like him.
I think I like him.
I do like him.
Do you think I like him? Well, it's not a lot of points, but it is artistic.
T-A-T-T O-O.
"Tattoo.
" Plus a double wor What? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
What? Nothing.
You're lying.
I am not lying.
I am observing a discreet silence.
- Shut up, Hope.
- Ooh, you both know something that you're not telling me? No.
I hate secrets.
- Hope.
Hope.
- Come on.
Give.
Give, give, give.
Uh-uh.
- No.
- Hope.
- Hope, I'm begging.
- Don't you dare.
- I'm begging you.
- Don't you dare.
- It is just Michael.
- It is just Michael.
Michael Steadman this is the deepest, darkest, most profound secret of my entire life.
I can't go Oh, come on.
How old were we, 15? 16.
It was my 16th birthday.
Okay.
We were 16.
We went to this Donovan concert.
We had seats right up front.
Ellyn was in love.
- I mean, completely - I was wearing my pink satin pants suit with the Nehru collar.
Oh, God, it was so beautiful.
- And he handed her a flower.
- A rose.
He gave me a rose.
It was incredible.
I still have it.
In more ways than one! 16! Oh, God! I was only 16! Oh, my God.
This is great.
Oh, Ellyn! Where is it? Where the sun don't shine! Mellow Yellow.
It was a picture of a rose.
Oh, Ellyn.
This is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.
Michael Steadman, if you tell anybody this, - anybody, I'm serious - No.
I won't.
- Anybody ever really - Ellyn.
El.
El.
I won't.
May your dog get rabies, your wife get fleas.
- Really.
I'm serious! Never.
- Okay.
Now, other people must've seen it, so, you know, Woodman.
What does Woodman think? He hasn't seen it.
You mean you've known each other for this long, - and he hasn't seen your - Will you tell him to be quiet? Whoa.
Wait a minute.
What about What about when you do it? What? Oh, Ellyn! You turn the lights off? Oh, Michael, I completely hate you! - I hate you! I hate you! - That's amazing! - Poor Woodman! - He just doesn't think of me that way.
- Ohh - Okay? - I'll tell him - Ruff! Ruff! I'll tell him when I'm ready.
Okay? Ellyn, you are bizarre.
Playing the electrical banana Okay I can't take the suspense.
I'm calling Nancy.
Oh, Hope, leave them alone.
I worry about them.
I won't be obvious.
Right.
Nancy's gonna give me the name of a children's haircutter.
Honey, Janey won't need a haircut for another two years.
- I want to be prepared.
- Oh, Hope.
They'll tell you when they're ready.
Just leave 'em alone.
There.
There.
Ellyn.
There's no "E" in "groovy.
" - Hi.
- Hi.
Get the kids to bed all right? Sure, after we sang the Tin Man song 20 times.
You got off easy.
Could Could you pay her? - Sure.
- Hello? Oh, hi, Hope.
No.
We just walked in the door.
Oh, yeah.
I have that right here.
Just a minute.
Um duh, duh, dum.
Uh, 555-69 - 27.
- So, you were out.
- Oh, very subtle.
- Yeah.
We went to our first, um Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to No, No.
It It's okay.
So, did you like him? Are you gonna go back? Leave her alone, you ghoul.
- Ask if they talked about sex.
- Um, - ne-next week.
- Honey Are you glad? Oh.
Um yeah.
De Definitely.
Look, um, could could I call you, uh, tomorrow? Okay.
Great.
Bye.
The movie good? Yeah, it was real good.
Yeah.
It It was, uh, it was great.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
Do you think that you could come back the the same time next week? Uh, we need, like, a regular night out.
Sure.
Great.
Yeah.
- Oh, that'd be super.
- See you then.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Drive carefully.
- Thanks a lot.
- All right.
Okay.
Just Just throw it up in the air.
You'll get lucky.
Ooh! All right.
Guard.
Guard.
Guard.
Ha ha! Oh! Oh! Did you see this? - What? - Foul! Gimme that ball! Give me the ball! Gimme it! - Gimme that ball! - When did When did I get too old for this game? Exercise more often.
Yeah, in a gym.
- Where cute girls - Oh! - Nice shot.
So.
How's my pal Bobby Nicholson? Says he used to beat you up in elementary school.
He used to beat me up? That's an amusing twist.
He's okay.
How can you trust anybody Gary learned subtraction from, huh? He could be me.
He could be Gary.
He could be anybody.
He probably is just anybody.
When did we become the authorities? Really.
There are judges.
All right? Judges.
I mean, Hope's obstetrician looked like she should be joining a sorority.
She probably was.
I find this whole development very upsetting.
Ooh! Aren't we still the kids? We always will be the kids.
That's our tragic flaw.
16! That's what I want to be again.
This time I'd do it right, though.
I can tell you one person that's changed since she was 16.
Who? For her 16th birthday, she got a tattoo.
It says "Mellow Yellow" on her butt.
Who? - Guess.
- Who? - Who? Come on.
- Guess.
Well, it's not Hope.
'Course not.
It's certainly not Melissa.
- Helen Miller.
- Helen Miller? I haven't talked to Helen Miller for eight years.
- Who was it? - Ellyn.
Ha ha ha! No! - Right.
- No! Yes.
Silk suit, briefcase-carrying Ellyn? Oh, I love this! Think she'd let me touch it? Hey.
You cannot say a word.
Okay? - No, I won't.
I won't, I won't, I won't.
- Okay.
Exactly where is it? I don't know where it is.
Nice game.
Let's go get a beer.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
What? - Elliot.
Can you leave the ball? - Come on.
Okay.
Okay, I I feel like she's on me all the time.
Like I can't do anything right.
I come home the other night, and I want to help her out with what's going on at home.
Don't you see I'm getting it for you? Peanut butter and jelly.
Ethan, I heard you.
I am getting it for you.
Hey, bunny rabbit! Whoo! - Hi, partner.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, hey.
How are you? - Could you make him a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich before I kill him, please? Sure.
Kid, it's a big, exciting world out there A world of hot dogs, hamburgers, scrambled eggs, fried chicken, and one day maybe you'll get tired of PB and J and you'll move out into that world.
I hate that.
It has seeds.
Don't you know by now that he only likes grape jelly? I forgot.
- Look, I'll do it.
- No.
I got it.
No, I can do it.
It's no big deal.
I don't mind.
No, really.
I got it.
I got it.
Just go ahead.
Sit down.
I wasn't yelling.
You took the bread right outta my hand.
Let's take the whole issue of money.
Like, she's on a warpath.
Elliot.
What's this? Oh.
I joined Michael's health club so I can get in shape.
Elliot.
This costs $385 a year.
It was a special deal.
We can't afford this.
Nancy.
Nancy, you've been bugging me to start exercising since I had those tests, so I finally got around to it.
Writing out a check for $385 isn't exactly what I call exercise.
Now, why didn't you discuss this with me? What, do I need your permission to lift weights? You know that we are on a tight budget.
- I make good money.
- Right.
And it all goes out every month just for essentials! Damn it, Elliot! Okay.
Nancy, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I should've discussed it with you first, but it slipped my mind.
Okay? Okay.
So can you cancel the membership? No! Why? Why should I cancel the membership when I still need the exercise? This is insane! Ohh I just think, in these days, you don't quit a job when you're making really good money to start your own company, which might ruin us.
I I mean Michael and Elliot had no experience doing this Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We had won two awards.
Two awards, and we had three separate accounts who were promised us, - and that's a great start.
- They were local awards.
Oh, she Excuse me.
They forgot my Clio this year.
- What've you won lately? - No, I'm just saying that it's a risky thing to do.
You know, you didn't have any faith in me.
- That's what it was.
- No.
I was worried about the mortgage.
- You did not have any faith in me.
- No.
Faith has - nothing to do about it.
- What do you mean, faith has nothing to do with it? That's the whole idea what we're doing here, Nancy! Wait a minute.
Am I crazy? I mean, am I crazy? I mean, I'm doing something that I've dreamed about for a long time, - and she doesn't trust me at all.
- I have had the same car for seven years.
- Because you enjoy being cheap.
- No, that's not what it is! You have to have everything you want when you want it.
It's true! You know what's interesting is that for every accusation, there's a counter-accusation, and each one seems plausible in its own way.
I guess it could go on that way forever.
What's What does that mean? It could go on that way forever, and neither of you would be any closer to getting what you want from each other.
Do you actually yell at each other there or what? Sometimes we yell.
Sometimes we just schmooze.
Do you think it's helping? Ever actually tried this junk? I wouldn't feed it to my cat, and I hate cats.
Is it helping Nancy? Mmm, I guess.
It's taken some of the pressure off.
Mmm.
I feel like I want to get something from her, but I don't know what it is.
Sex? Nah.
I mean, well, it could be, but, I mean, after 12 years of marriage, - what's sex supposed to be like, anyway? - You tell me.
Well, it used to be great.
I mean, I used to feel sorry for other people 'cause they weren't like us.
I used to look in the mirror with her and think, "How did this beautiful girl ever get fool enough to be with me?" What happened? Anyway, she's not that beautiful.
You're just, you know, ugly.
What happened? Mountains wore down.
Ice ages came and went.
She lost interest.
I didn't matter anymore.
Now I think she just likes to see me squirm.
Did you ever tell her about the, uh the The "Oh, Nance, by the way, "I slept with Cheryl Eastman last year.
You don't mind, do you?" I want to be there for you.
I really do.
I just don't know what that means anymore.
What would that mean? I mean, how would you want things to be better? Uh, well, more More excitement, I guess.
I mean, more experimenting.
Like it used to be.
You know? I just You know, the other day, I heard this thing about Ellyn.
And she has a tattoo on her tush.
- Oh, come on.
Ellyn? - Yeah.
Yeah.
And I thought that was, like, so obscene.
And it was so great.
Ellyn d Oh, no! Well, it's like like last night.
Oh.
No.
Uh I I was exhausted last night.
I m I mean, Brittany has been getting I knew she was gonna get up all night because she's been having all these nightmares.
And And you were grabbing and insisting Wait.
I wasn't insisting.
I just wanted I mean, one night, it it's one thing, and then the next night, you want me to u Oh, you know, or Or wear something.
Fine.
I mean, whatever it is, it it doesn't matter because it's not ever about what I want.
It It's always about what what you want.
I mean, what does Elliot want? Elliot does I Wh-Where is that supposed to stop? What do you want? I don't know.
J J-Just to be left alone sometimes.
Is that all you want sexually? Oh, God, no.
No.
I m I want things! B-But, um I I I don't I don't even ask bec because El I mean I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I don't usually even remember that I am a sexual person.
Whose fault is that? Oh, it's not about fault, Elliot! We have two kids that I take care of.
I mean, I spend my whole day talking about Rainbow Brite and and Transformers and and wondering if Britty has had enough milk.
I mean, all I'm saying is that I need some help in changing gears.
Is Is that asking too much? I mean, I am sorry that I am not like the women in the porno films - who don't need any help.
- You wouldn't even watch 'em with me.
I tried to watch it.
- No, you did not.
- But it was a big turnoff to me.
It just made my flesh crawl.
I mean, those women are not real women.
- They're robots.
- Why? Because they don't mind making men happy? If you had any sexual or emotional maturity, you would understand the difference, that's all.
What? - What? - What? What? What? What? What's the point of even going I mean, it's obvious I'm a bad person.
So what's the point of even going on here? Oh, that's not what I'm saying.
What you're saying is Is that I'm a pervert.
That's what you're saying.
Do you think she's saying that? Look, what does it matter what she's saying? What she's saying is she doesn't want me.
No.
I am not saying that.
You say that every day.
You say that every day when I come home.
You're not glad to see me.
It's, "Here, take the kids.
" - Oh - And then, if I try to touch you or if I want to touch you, it's it's like, "What does Elliot want? Elliot.
What does Elliot want?" Don't you want me? I mean I don't mean anything? I mean, I I c You You fight me, Nancy.
You just You do.
- You fight me.
- No.
No.
No.
You fight me.
You do.
You're fighting me now! You're fighting me right now! Nancy, you're fighting me right now! Can't you stop for one second? I mean, what's Why am I I mean, I can't believe I'm this awful person, - that I'm a evil person.
- Elli! Elli, Elli! Elli, I don't! I don't! Like, I don't! Don't you hit him with that.
Oh, I fell asleep.
Sun feels so good.
Carbohydrates and sodium.
Have some.
I thought you had to work this afternoon.
I do.
This guy who got divorced last month wants portraits of his kids.
3:00 at the Liberty Bell.
I hope it's not Elliot next month.
Elliot? Tell all.
What do I know? She doesn't tell me anything.
Do you ask her? Gary said Michael said they fight all the time.
They don't fight.
Hey.
How are you? - Pretty good.
- Have a pretzel.
- Thanks.
Just fell asleep.
- Oh, yeah? Come on, sweetie.
Is this work or play? Oh.
I, uh, don't have to be anywhere for about half an hour.
Thought I'd stop by and see what real life is like.
How's Elliot? He's fine.
- How's counseling going? - Melissa! All right! I'm sorry! They scheduled my three sessions a week for the rest of my life the day I was born.
I don't know what privacy is anymore.
Nance, I don't want you to think I was saying anything bad or It's okay.
It's okay.
It's not like we've been keeping our problems to ourselves lately.
- So is this person helping? - Nicholson? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, yeah, I really think that he is.
I mean, it's not that things have changed that much.
It's just that I think we're beginning to really understand what it is we do to each other.
Like, what do you do to each other? I mean, it's It's hard to think, um I I mean, um See, Elliot is a really angry person.
He is? All the time.
You don't get that from him? Well, I guess he just saves it for me.
But he thinks that I'm really controlling.
I don't see you as controlling.
Neither do I.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, it's just the way people do things to each other.
I mean I mean, this is really silly.
What? Well, when I do the laundry I just noticed this the other day I always leave his clean stack right on the bed.
I have lived with this man for 12 years.
I know where he keeps his jockstraps, and it's like I'm trying to make some point by not doing that for him.
And he complains about that? N-No.
No, no.
That That's not it.
It It's It's just Well, I mean I wa I was just thinking.
Nancy? Yes.
Just a minute! Where are the kids? Uh, Carla took them for hamburgers.
What, did I walk into a Doris Day movie here? I was thinking more Noel Coward.
Y-You know, put your feet up.
"Darling, how was your day? Could I get you a drink?" You know, something like that? Well, sounds good.
You look great.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Aren't we supposed to be at Michael's? Yeah, but the game doesn't start until 8.
So.
How was your day? Uhh.
I'm exhausted.
Janine couldn't find the contracts for the Starlight Dairy account.
Michael finally dug 'em up.
They were filed under M for Milk.
- Milk.
Not really.
- I swear to God.
Mmm.
So, it's a shame we have to go out.
I mean, we could just stay here and watch the game.
Well, maybe Carla would take care of the kids.
Uh, do you think they'd leave us alone? Probably not.
Still I I'm not sure that this isn't an opportunity we can afford to miss.
- Nance, seriously.
Let me get this glass.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
Boy, I am so hungry.
Do we have any pretzels or anything? A bite to eat here.
Michael! Michael, come on! - What is th - Shh.
I just got her down.
Down? What is she, a dog? Down, Janey, down.
Does your mother know you're doing this? Just think of it as pastrami, Melissa.
So who else is coming over? I don't know.
We rounded up the usual suspects.
Oh, yeah? - Hey.
- Hi.
Hey! Classy guests! Nan-cy! Whoo! - Ohh - What, are you having cocktails with Noel Coward? No.
Just Doris Day.
Hey.
Where's my champagne? Come on.
People always hang out in kitchens.
Where's my beer? Where's the dip? Is Ellyn bringing Woodman? I think so, so try to be nice.
Well, I'd like to meet him.
- Woodman? - Woodman.
We can deal with that.
We can deal with that.
Oh.
I was just thinking about Ellyn because I just read in Dear Abby they had this article on removing tattoos.
Shut Shut up! What? What? You cannot talk about tattoos.
Ohh! Ooh.
Oh! Stumped 'em! Stumped 'em! We're keeping records on Ellyn now.
What did I do? I know that Ellyn's completely responsible and handing in all her assigned duties, and she's a very highly motivated self-starter, and I can recommend her without reservation.
Oh, God, Hope, you're such a feeb.
I am uniquely qualified to talk about you.
Who else would put up with you for 25 years without being related to you? Do you remember when we convinced Howard Pitler that we were twin sisters who'd been separated at birth? Anybody named Howard Pitler would believe anything.
I think he changed his name after he was indicted by What, are you kidding me? A name like that should be surgically removed.
Ellyn.
That reminds me.
I was reading Dear Abby - the other day about - Oh! Melissa.
- What? This is an article about - Melissa! - What? - Melissa, I have to see you in the kitchen.
Let her finish! I'm very comfortable here.
Oh, but I need some help.
Calling Dr.
Pitler.
Dr.
Howard Pitler.
Dr.
Howard Pitler.
- Howard! - Howard.
- Howard! - Emergency appendectomy.
Ellyn? Uh, by the way, I read in Dear Abby that tattoos can be removed.
What? What's wrong? What did I say? You knew not to do that.
Why did you do that? I only told Gary.
Why do you have such a big mouth? - What? - Will you please tell me what's going on? I only told Melissa.
Well, I didn't tell anyone.
Well, Elliot told me, but I had no idea! Wait, I heard it from them.
I didn't know it was a secret, either.
Will somebody please clue me in, since I seem to be the only one here not fully informed? We're just establishing the utter breakdown of our communal moral fiber.
What is wrong with Michael, anyway? How could he do that to me? I specifically asked him not to say anything, and then he deliberately goes Ohh! Would you calm down about this? You didn't do anything wrong.
It just makes me cringe.
I can't stop thinking about it.
- Why do I always - Don't start with the always.
- You don't "always" anytime.
- Yeah, a lot of 'em.
But I'm the one who blew it.
Look, you didn't blow anything.
Would you just stop obsessing.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Too bad the Sixers lost, huh? - Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
What a night.
Elli.
I I want to be with you tonight.
I-I won't obsess anymore, I promise.
B-Before we went to Michael's, did I do something wrong? No.
No, no, no.
You were great.
I was just tired.
Half of me was still worrying about Starlight Dairy and low-fat banana yogurt.
Woodman's cute, isn't he? He had to know about that tattoo.
They've been going out a while.
Ooh, well.
Maybe she always leaves the lights out.
That'd be boring.
Well, yeah.
I mean, all the time would be boring, but once in a while might be nice.
Are you tired? Pantyhose.
Okay.
Okay.
They're gone.
They're gone.
They're gone, they're gone, they're gone.
Yeah.
I have to wear something under my boots.
No, you don't.
Oh, yeah.
You'd have me wear a garter belt and stockings under a miniskirt.
Mm-hmm.
Only Elli.
Don't Don't you ever shave your legs anymore? Wh W-What? What, honey? I put on the clothes that he wanted, and I opened a bottle of champagne.
And? You tell me.
Yeah.
I was tired.
What do you want from me? I mean, I come home Wait a minute.
This is too great.
This is This is This is really too great.
I mean, she's allowed to say she's tired anytime she wants.
I do it once, and forget it.
I mean, so much for the end of the double standard.
Were you tired? I just said I was tired.
Too tired to have sex? What is this? I'm just wondering what went through your mind when you came home and you saw that Nancy dressed like that You know, the champagne I don't know.
I mean, I was I was fine.
Was it stimulating? I don't know.
I don't know if it was stimulating.
I mean, I I I guess I got a little turned on.
Why don't you ask her something? I'm just wondering if you were turned on why you think you didn't do anything about it.
Look, if I did something about it every time I got turned on, we would've been divorced a long time ago.
She'd've thought I was some kind of pervert - or something.
- That's not true.
- Come on.
- No.
Why don't you try? W-Why Why don't you try and and come home and act act like you do for Michael and and the cute girls at the office? I mean, act like you In Instead of Of coming in like Like that's the last place in the world that you want to be.
Why don't you try? I did try.
I tried last night, and I was insulted and humiliated.
See, nothing I I do seems to be enough for you.
Wow.
Am I supposed to switch gears just like that? I mean, after all you've put me through, all the cutting me down, all the All the pushing me away for years and years is one night supposed to take care of all that? It went both ways, Elliot.
We lost each other.
A-And you can't go back and figure out who's to blame.
We're both to blame.
But we have gotta try and start somewhere.
What would be enough? Daddy, stop! And it's just so wet.
Yuck.
- Yeah.
- - Well, it's not your fault.
If it's anybody's fault, it was mine.
Are they rotting in there? Honey, they're stuffed.
What's stuffed? Stuffed Oh, your daddy'll tell you later.
Look, sweetie.
See the kitty? Look at the kitties over there.
Aren't they cute? It still makes me cringe.
Ethan, watch her, okay? Oh, I wouldn't take it too seriously.
Ellyn will recover.
Yeah, but will Elliot? What's he got to do with it? Everything I do bugs him.
Well, I don't get it.
I really don't.
Well, neither do I.
I I get this feeling that I'm just supposed to sit around and wait until he gets all the crap out, all the bad feelings, so he doesn't have to turn it against me anymore.
Hey, Brittany.
Rahrr! When's that supposed to happen? I don't know.
At least I don't feel so weird about it because I don't feel like it's all my fault.
Ethan.
Ethan, would you watch her? I am.
I know that I'm I'm too hard on her, but it's like she never really listens to me anymore.
She fights me.
Either I do everything her way, or I'm this irresponsible jerk.
- Really? - She totally doesn't trust me with money.
Elliot, neither do I.
Thanks.
Thanks, pal.
Thanks for your support.
That's great.
I mean are are you supposed to like being married? I like it.
I know I groan and I complain, yeah, but but, yeah, my life feels complete in a way that it never did before.
Oh, it's all a ride, it is with us now.
I mean, it's, like, when I'm with her, I just I just don't feel anything anymore.
It's like we're on opposite sides of a window.
You know? Excuse me.
Did you ever talk about the affair? Believe me, Michael, that'd kill everything.
Right.
You're in love with Hope, right? Yeah, I am.
See, that's the thing.
You see? That's the thing.
I mean, I don't I don't know if I love her anymore.
Hmm.
And it's like no matter what she does I I can't seem to forgive her for that.
- Push the door, honey.
Come on.
- Hey, Dad.
Oh, there he is.
Hey! Hey.
Hey, did you have a good time? Yeah.
- Here we go.
- It's raining.
Yeah, very good! Very good.
Okay.
Here we go.
Wait a second.
I've got it.
Come on, sweetie.
Come on.
We'll go.
- Shepherd.
- What? - Coffee.
- Relax.
"In the fullness of time, it shall emerge.
" - Hello! - In here.
You really ought to keep your doors locked.
Where is everybody? Hi.
Oh.
Oh, good.
Everybody's here, so that I only have to say this once.
You really should keep your doors locked.
I suffered through one of the most humiliating moments in my entire life 'cause you bunch of babies could not keep your mouths shut about what was none of your business, anyway.
Ellyn, it's not like you had a disease or something.
It doesn't matter what it was.
It's not for you to judge what is or isn't important, and that includes you, Michael Steadman.
It should've been enough that it was my secret.
Ellyn, I am really deeply sorry.
Truly, I have learned my lesson.
Don't apologize.
I'm not finished yelling at you yet.
Woodman seemed like a really nice guy.
Yeah, well, he still is, so So was he revolted, embarrassed, or what? No, not exactly embarrassed.
No.
Well, what exactly, then? Well, he was sort of, you know turned on.
Ohh Oh, you! Oh, Michael! There's cream cheese on that! Oh, that was great.
You mean I did you this favor, and you came here to yell at me? Oh, that is not the point, and you know it.
Ellyn, you know the reason that we talk about you is because we like you.
Yeah, well, like me a little less.
Okay? Come on.
Everyone's out here.
Duh duh daanh - Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mellow.
- Hello.
- Did I give you enough time? - Regular or decaf? - Yes, you did.
- Regular.
So, Ellyn.
So what? I can see it sometime? Yeah.
In your dreams.
Come on, turn the radio on.
Watch out.
No, no! Hey! Hey! Come on! Come on! You guys are driving me nuts! - I'm gonna bomb you.
- You're gonna bomb me? You're driving me nuts is what you're doing.
Come on, that's it.
Let's go to the park.
- Let's go to the park.
- Ice cream.
Ice cream.
That's right.
Hot dogs.
Ice cream.
Yeah.
Come on.
No, you do something good for yourself, okay? You relax.
And no cleaning.
I'll do it later.
Thanks, El.
Here we go.
Come on.
Last one in the car's a rotten egg.
- Here's your keys, Daddy.
- Oh, thanks, honey.
Keys, everything.
Okay.
When we get to the park, can we have ice cream? Absolutely.
Come on, come on.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
She passed out when Cinderella lost her shoe.
Maybe you better take her to her room.
No.
I like watching her sleep.
Thanks for giving me some time this afternoon.
I haven't given you much of anything else lately.