United States of Al (2021) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Here you go.
Grampy puts chocolate chips on my oatmeal.
Well, he also puts mayonnaise on pretzels.
Let's not go by Grampy.
Is your Wi-Fi working? Mm.
Let's see.
Googling "panda bears at play.
" So cute.
Oh, so cute.
Did you try turning it off and turning it back on? No, I've never used a phone before.
Hey, don't be snippy with me.
[EXHALES.]
Sorry, I I've been trying to reach my family in Kabul since I woke up, but no one is answering their phone and no one is on Facebook.
Did you check the news? I didn't see anything.
Maybe they're just busy? No, no, the last thing I do before I go to sleep is text them good night and the first thing I do when I wake up is see what they wrote back.
But nothing today.
Hey.
Power's probably out again.
That must be it.
Uh, sometimes the whole city loses power.
Sure, like Texas.
Sit tight.
I'll get you those chocolate chips.
Oh! You heard from your cousin Zubair? No.
Which is weird, because he texts me every day to see if Lizzie asked about him.
Maybe we can do something to take your mind off it.
How about I skip school and we go to the water park? Nice try.
Or the movies.
- It's really whatever Uncle Al wants.
- Okay [CHUCKLES.]
You're going to school.
You're being pretty insensitive.
All right.
Get out.
If you change your mind, drive back and honk twice.
I'll meet you at the curb.
[LAUGHS.]
: Go.
I'm really getting worried.
Would you rather take the day off? No.
No, I need to keep busy.
Aw, damn it.
What? She is not walking towards the school.
Hey, just so you know, I left a message with a buddy of mine who works at the embassy.
He's exposed to a lot of top-secret information.
Uh, is he in the CIA? No, he's in the mail room.
Works the paper shredder.
What? They only shred the important stuff.
Well, thank you for trying.
Hey, guys, looks great.
Yeah, thanks.
Uh, just make sure the counter is level.
Oh, it will be.
I mean, flat.
Not this, not this.
This.
Yes, sir.
We know what flat means.
I own a lot of round items, so I'll know almost immediately if it's not level.
Don't worry.
We got you.
I'd like to tell him where to put his round items.
In his flat bottom? There you go.
I think this is all of it.
All of what? Tax receipts, like you asked for.
This is a bag of garbage.
You said to save all the receipts, I saved all the receipts.
What was in here before salami? And the receipt from the deli's in the bag.
This one just says "Chanko.
" Oh, yeah, Chanko's the guy who fixed our generator.
Okay, how much did you pay him? Yeah, too much.
It still goes, "ba-ka-da, ba-ka-da, ba-ka-da.
" Oh, what is this, gum? I get it.
You don't like my bookkeeping.
What "$38.
72.
" What am I supposed to do with that? Is it money you spent? Your cell phone password? A nuclear code? None of the above, smart-ass.
That's money that's owed me.
- You know Glenn Friscetti? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I helped him out.
He went through a rough patch.
Well, when will he pay you back? When he gets out of jail.
Duh.
- Still nothing? - No.
You need a break? I'll be fine.
At least I can fear for my family in the comfort of Ohio's fanciest bathroom.
How we doing? Good.
Uh, got the marble installed.
Check it out.
Okay, okay.
It looks good, looks good.
Ooh.
[HISSES.]
Although it's a little wonky over there.
No, it's level.
Yeah, I don't think so.
This is passable.
This is hard to look at.
Yet all of us are managing.
- [MOUTHS.]
- Do you see how weird this is? Uh, not really.
That right there should be a perfect 90-degree angle.
Well, the counter is flat.
- It's the wall that's not perfectly vertical.
- Mm.
And whose fault is that? The dead guys who built this house a hundred years ago? Okay, this is my nightmare.
This is my nightmare.
You and I have very different nightmares.
- Okay - What's that supposed to mean? You know what? I totally see it now.
We'll fix it, get it how you want.
- I hope so.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Thanks for your input.
What are you doing? There's nothing wrong with this wall.
I know.
We'll just throw some fresh paint on it, make him feel like he did something.
That guy does not deserve this bathroom.
He should take care of his business in the woods.
Hey, one more thing.
Hey, hey, hey.
That's a $2,000 toilet.
It's for my ass, not yours.
Yeah, he's sorry.
Don't speak for me.
- Fine, I'm sorry.
- What are you sorry about? What do you got? Use the top-notch epoxy.
I will know if you cheap out on me.
- Goes without saying.
- And yet I'm saying it.
- What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with you? Dude, I know you got a lot going on, but you got to keep your powder dry.
My powder is very dry.
This is his house.
Okay? Whatever he says, the answer is, "Yes, boss.
" I understand.
Good.
What kind of an idiot spends $2,000 on a toilet? I don't know.
Maybe he's from California.
How's Richie Rich's bathroom coming? Oh, it's fine.
Only thing missing is a helicopter pad.
Boy, if you could sell him on a helicopter pad, that would make our year.
That is a very silly man.
His soul is like a withered fig, and his arrogance will get him sent him straight to hell.
All righty.
Hazel, how was school? Yeah, did you stay? Why, did you get a phone call? Excuse me.
I'm assuming he still hasn't heard anything? No.
Yeah, that's rough.
Lived that a lot of years while you were gone.
Is there anything we can do? Pray.
Hey.
Hey.
I got a Frisbee.
Want to play? I don't have time for that right now, Hazel.
Come on, it's important.
How can that possibly be important? My friend Isha said that in ten years they're gonna have Frisbee at the Olympics, and I'll never be good enough to make the team.
What a wonderful and supportive friend.
I want to get good so I can rub it in her face.
Throw it to me.
Dad said you guys used to play Frisbee when you were waiting to go on missions.
It's true.
It helped take our minds off of the danger.
Are you doing this to get me to stop worrying about my family? Maybe.
But also because I want an Olympic medal, and it's not looking like I'm gonna make the women's basketball team.
Was it hard for you when your father was so far away? Sometimes I would have dreams that he was home and I'd wake up and be sad.
Yes.
I have those.
You know what helps? Frisbee.
So, what is it you like about this friend Isha? She wears a bra.
Oh, good, you guys are here.
I was up all night worrying.
Didn't get a wink of sleep.
I'm very concerned about these faucets.
Yeah, faucets are tricky.
Let's talk about it.
I want them to have a wow factor.
If I was throwing a dinner party and you came in here, would they make you go "Wow"? Oh, yeah.
Definitely wow.
- Right, Al? - Yes.
Wow.
I hope so.
When I'm a guest in someone's house, I always check out their faucets.
Tells you everything you need to know about them.
Well, we certainly are learning a lot about you.
I'm sensing a tone here.
Maybe you're not taking my concerns seriously.
Oh, no.
We are.
We really are.
I'm not.
I'm really not.
Well, you work for me.
So my problems are your problems.
I don't think you know what a real problem is.
You coming at me, bro? Okay, let's all take a breath.
My family is in Afghanistan, and I haven't heard from them in two days.
I don't know if they're alive or dead.
What the hell are they doing in Afghanistan? That is where they live.
- Well, they shouldn't.
- What would you do if you didn't hear from your family for two days? I'd do a backflip.
My family sucks.
- Your family sucks? - Mm-hmm.
What sorry excuse of a human being would say that about their family? You should be ashamed of yourself.
It is like you spit into the air and let it fall into your face.
Okay.
Well, this has been fun, but you guys are fired.
It hasn't been fun! It hasn't been fun at all! Okay.
So, wait, you were the calm guy and Al was the one who lost his temper? I know.
Weird, right? Like we switched bodies.
Okay.
We've just got to find a way to break it to Dad in the gentlest possible - ART: Morons! - Good luck.
Did Al tell the bathroom guy to spit in his own face? - Well, first of all - Aw, geez.
The guy was a real jerk.
Of course he's a jerk.
Lots of rich people are jerks.
How do you think they got so rich? Al was just standing up for himself.
And don't worry, I'll cover the loss.
Oh? With what paycheck? The money comes from the rich guy.
I just touch it for a moment before it gets to you.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, "sorry" doesn't pay the bills.
Damn! Dad tore you a new Hi, Dad.
Hey, I brought you some Oh.
Sorry.
It's okay, I'm done.
I made us some tea.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
This smells like paint thinner.
Sorry, that's mine.
Mmm.
- Better.
- Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
I am so sorry I created this problem for your family.
Mm.
This family is all about problems.
You're fitting in fine.
I don't know what happened.
It felt like a short circuit in my brain.
I didn't even recognize myself.
You're under a lot of stress.
No, I'm not.
I'm in Ohio.
I have never been safer.
And you've never been this far from home.
I know it sounds crazy but I think it was easier to be in Afghanistan, where at least I knew what was going on.
If there was a problem, I could do something.
Here I'm helpless.
Yeah, I get that.
I felt helpless when I couldn't get you out.
I can't imagine what it's like for you and your family.
All these thoughts keep coming through my mind.
What if Hassina is dead? What if my mother is injured? What if something happens to Wahid? - Who will look after his children? - Hey, hey, hey, buddy.
Remember you always tell me there are no "what ifs" in Islam? Everything is written; nothing is a mistake.
Thank you.
- That helps.
- Oh, good.
'Cause I never found it that comforting when you said it.
Do you know I've never gone more than a day without telling my mother I love her? Wow.
That's nice.
Me and my dad just punch each other in the arm.
Same idea, but it hurts more.
So this means "I love you"? Yeah.
So this means "I love you more"? Ow.
Ow! Okay, okay, we love each other.
I mean, am I right? Oh, yeah.
Feel like I'm in a carnival funhouse.
- Thank you.
- You know, this might be an indication of long-term structural damage.
Wouldn't know for sure until we open the wall up, but of course we're not on the project anymore.
No, you're not.
If you're interested, I can take care of this myself.
Have it done for you in no time.
That might work.
But if we do this, I don't want to see, uh, Muscles and Mohammad again.
- His name's Awalmir.
- Yeah.
Whatever.
I-I really don't like that Middle Eastern kid.
Copy that.
I know you think you're doing a nice thing by giving him a handout, but it doesn't really help anybody.
He's a good kid.
He was just having a bad day.
Yeah, we all have bad days.
No, you don't understand.
I'm talking about the safety of his family.
You don't understand.
That toilet washes my tush.
The one downstairs doesn't.
End of story.
So we're not getting that job back.
Thought you were going to handle it.
I did.
Poorly.
This is all my fault.
I am so sorry, Mr.
Art.
Hey, you just sat on his toilet.
I'm the one that tried to put his head in it.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
It is my sister.
The whole city was blacked out.
They're fine now.
[PHONE CHIMING REPEATEDLY.]
- Everybody is safe.
- Oh, thank God.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
My mother is upset with me.
[LAUGHING.]
: Why? Apparently there was a tornado in Oklahoma and she couldn't get ahold of me.
You really need to send her a map.
- Excuse me, I'm-I'm going to go call her.
- Okay.
Don't we have family in Oklahoma? Yeah, I'm sure they're fine.
[ART SIGHS.]
What do you got on tap? The good beer I usually hide from you.
That's, uh - Thanks.
- How's Al doing? Ah, he's sleeping like a baby.
The stress knocked him out.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- Yeah.
- So I want to talk to you about something.
- [GROANS.]
Now what'd you do? Nothing.
Nothing.
It's just, uh all that time over there I knew you were worried, but I don't think I ever realized just how hard it must have been for you.
Ah, you made it home.
That's all that counts.
Yeah.
Still Look, son sleepless nights are just part of being a military family.
I know we're not great about saying things like this I love you.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Let's talk about work.
Why? This becomes a business meeting and Lizzie can write it off.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hassina, I would like you to meet my goddaughter, Hazel.
Hazel, this is my sister Hassina.
Hazel jaan, hello.
Oh, wow.
You look just like your father.
Salaam, Hassina.
- Tsanga ye? - Eh? Aw, Mashallah.
You speak Pashto? HAZEL: And a little Spanish.
Siéntate, Hazel, silencio.
That means, "Sit down and shut up, Hazel.
" Okay, I have a really important question for you.
Where is your brother ticklish? Do not tell her.
Calm down, I won't tell her.
Gotcha.
You want to see something funny, touch his foot with your foot and he will shake your hand.
What? Why? Just do it.
Hey, it worked.
He is very superstitious.
He thinks if he does not do it, you will get into a fight.
It is not a superstition.
It is a real thing.
Why are you teaching her to cause trouble? Hazel, shake my hand.
This is serious.
I have lost friends this way.
We're not going to get into a fight.
- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.
We're in one right now.
[GIGGLES.]
No, no, no.
This is all your fault.
Hey, you called me.
[AL GROWLS.]
So, are you seeing anybody?