Up All Night (2011) s01e11 Episode Script
First Christmas
- Oh.
- Oh, jeez! - Ay yi yi.
- Wow.
Gene and Terry have really outdone themselves this year.
I mean, it's so tacky.
Right, honey? [Laughter.]
Oh, boy.
Here they come.
Welcome to our winter wonderland, Brinkley family! Yeah, look at your Christmas house.
Oh, it sure is A lot.
Amy sure seems to love it! Oh, yeah, well, you can't really go by her, 'cause she's easily impressed.
Yeah, she's not a great barometer.
She she'll play with my shoe for an hour.
Oh, well, remember, we're gonna come by with the kids to sing Carols in a few days! [Singing Carol of the bells.]
bum ba ba bum, bum ba ba bum [Falsetto.]
bum ba ba bum, bum ba ba bum - Oh, you're the high part? - [Laughs.]
Both: hark! How the bells sweet silver bells We should get going.
All seem to say throw cares away Oh, my God it has words What do we do? Just back away I'm really scared right now Hey.
Hey, babba-Lou.
Oh, my God! Little Christmas tree! I'm not really loving the little Christmas tree this year.
I mean, look at it.
And Amy's not so into it, either.
Is this 'cause of gene and Terry's decorations? Because, babe, seriously, their house is bonkers.
Okay, but you have to admit it.
I mean, she loved it.
And and, you know, isn't it our mission in life to make sure that her eyes light up like that? Babe, we make her eyes light up aplenty.
Right, Ame? Come on, who's got the wiggly-walk? Who's got that wiggly-walk? It's so wiggly, so Wiggly.
- There was a glimpse of something there.
- Yeah.
It really is going to be the ultimate ski-sno-vacation.
Wow.
You are aware of the fact that you don't ski? And every time I fall, Kevin will be there to pick me up in his big, strong arms and carry me to a bearskin rug by a roaring fire, where the steam from our bodies will cause a freaky thaw.
Special delivery from the North Pole.
[Fawning.]
Hi! Hey, hey.
Mwah.
What are you guys doing here? Well, we thought we'd come and cute this place up a little.
Well, you have.
Also, somebody's got a stinky diaper.
- If you don't mind.
- No, not at all.
All right.
Be right back.
- Okay.
- You are stinky.
And, um, do you have a quick second? I'd like to talk you in your office.
Christopher! What will people say? I need your help.
I'm having trouble coming up with a gift for Reagan.
Oh, you know, she was coveting that tennis bracelet I wore to the creative arts Emmys.
They're kind of expensive, you know? Yes, but you always get something nice for Reagan.
Why not get her a bracelet encrusted with di-a-monds? Wait, what are you? You know the saying, "di-a-monds are a girl's best friend.
" Oh, dia okay, yeah.
Well, yes, I mean, nice jewelry was always kind of my go-to when I was working all the time, but I haven't worked in almost a year, so Well, Reagan has.
She's been doing quite well.
Did you know that she makes 70% of what the male executive producer the Ellen show makes? I don't know, I just don't want to use her money to buy her own gift.
I want to be able to Do something special for her on my own, you know? You are like a A sweet, sweet onion.
So many layers.
Now, you need to go, I'm about to try on - some ski bunny outfits.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Ava.
- Check this out.
Eat our heart out, ski-pro-turned-pitchwoman Susie Chapstick.
Chhh.
Chhh.
Powder.
[Christmas music playing.]
Welcome ho-ho-home! Hey.
Wow.
I know.
I'm kicking ass, right? Yeah, my mom's gonna drive down tomorrow, so I just thought I'd get it all done before she got here.
Oh! Oh, my God! Look at this! Look at this! You're not gonna believe it! I flocked these pinecones myself.
God.
Did you do all this Also, what does this smell like? What does this smell like? [Sniffs.]
- Waxy cinnamon? - Christmas.
[Sniffs.]
It smells like Christmas.
- Oh.
- The best part? Look at Amy.
I mean, you know, she's not, like, fully lighting up right now, but she's I mean, she is digging it.
She's digging it quietly.
- On the inside, quietly.
- Right.
- And I'm not even halfway done.
- Oh, really? No, you know what I wanna track down? I wanna track down one of those, uh those light-up Santa Claus with the reindeer to put up on the roof.
You know, like, those old vintagey-looking ones where Santa's got his arm up and he's making that "ho ho ho" face? - Right.
- You know, like this? Ho ho.
No, I no, I got it.
- That one.
- Yeah.
By the way, we're not going crazy with each other for gifts this year, right? Oh, I don't know, I just I just feel like this should really just be about Amy.
And, honestly, your gift to me is the fact that you are just an amazing husband and father.
Thanks, babe.
[Humming jingle bells.]
[Sighs.]
Your mommy is the best, huh? [Gurgling.]
I agree, she deserves a bracelet.
Made out of Di-a-monds.
So listen, uh, I was talking to my ex-wife.
Oh, that's great.
It really is important to keep the lines of communication open.
- Chapstick anyone? - Sure.
No, let's do it this way.
- Mmm, regular flavor.
- Mm-hmm.
Anyway, Ava, uh, this is the first Christmas since my divorce, and Claire and I, we want to show our daughter that we'll always be in her life, so We're gonna spend Christmas together at my house.
I mean, look, I-I know you had this great ski-sno-vacation planned, but - I'm fine.
- Really? - Yes.
- Okay, good.
I've been dying to strap on my skis and grab those two pole thingies, and swish-swish-swish down an alpine crevasse.
Thanks, Ava.
Thank you for being so understanding.
I think I need more Chapstick.
Bye now.
[Struggling.]
I'm burning up! Missy! Come cut me out of this [Bleep.]
ing thing! - Quit panicking! - Ahh! [Screaming.]
What's happening? - You're making it worse! - Cut it! I feel like I'm being raped by a sleeping bag! Ahh! Ah, got another tweet from Ava.
- Hmm.
- "Skiing in Utah, y'all.
Get a job, snowboarders.
Hashtag, Mormons are cool.
" Poor baby girl.
There all by herself.
Yeah.
[Knock at door.]
- Hello? - Oh, hey, mom! - Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
- Merry Christmas! You know, with with all the decorations mwah outside, I wasn't sure I had the right house.
Yeah, well, I mean, I know that this isn't what my super-intellectual parents would do at their house, but we're just starting a new tradition now for Amy.
Chris, what are we gonna do with our beautiful little obsessive-compulsive? Oh, well, this ADHD boy is not gonna touch that with a ten-foot pole, so Yeah, I wouldn't.
Is it me, or is this snowman sexually perverse? Gyrating like that.
No pants.
I actually think he is amazing.
And, you know what, I'm not gonna apologize for wanting to give my daughter a very special first Christmas, mom.
Oh, goodness.
I'm not asking you to.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Okay, all right.
Uh, who would like some delicious wine? - I would.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
- Whoa, Ava.
- Hey! Where did you come from? Oh, I parked around the block and scaled your wall.
Angie! I really like that brooch.
Is that vintage? How are you here? I mean, you're supposed to be in Utah.
Well, the jig is up, everyone.
I'm not in Utah! See, I wanted Kevin to think that I went skiing.
I wanted him to think that I was fine with whatever was going on with his ex in that sin shack across the street.
Listen to me, there is nothing going on across the street.
All right? Claire? Seriously, you have nothing to worry about with her.
Right, honey? Oh, no, yeah.
Talk about "woof.
" Yeah.
I mean, she is not easy on the eyes.
- I mean, she is mean.
Rude.
- Oh, she's a compulsive liar.
- Big ba-donka-donk.
- Yeah, she ran a Ponzi scheme.
- I'm pretty sure.
- Just unpleasant.
Bad breath.
Aww, you guys are the best.
- I'll just take this.
- Take that.
Oh, my God! Is that her pulling up to Kevin's house? Oh, look at them.
They were out together rekindling, I knew it.
What is that she's carrying, a fruit bouquet? Oh, nobody likes those.
Good going, Claire.
Hope they like fruit flies for Christmas.
Ava, they're just trying to give their daughter a nice Christmas.
That's how it starts.
But then it's, "McKenna, remember that time we all went to the zoo and you dropped your ice cream?" And then, the next thing you know, Kevin and Claire are making love.
Okay, I hope there are a bunch of steps in between.
Hey, Ava, why don't you just go talk to Kevin? Ugh, because I'm in Utah, Chris? And, besides, even if I did somehow "come back," I I just can't barge in on their precious family time.
I mean, how would that look? - Something like this.
- [Sighs.]
Do you guys have any binoculars? McKenna's playing in the front yard! By herself! You do? Oh, fantastic! Yeah, will you put it on hold for me? Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'll be right there.
Oh, my God! I am the awesomest! I found a place that has the last Santa display for the roof.
- That's great! - Oh, my God, do you remember? When I was a kid, and our neighbors had that one on the roof? God, I used to stare at that for hours.
Uch, the Tardinos.
Oh, yeah.
Well, they're still there, depressing property values with their trampoline full of pine needles.
You know they bought a boat? Well, it was a beautiful Santa.
I loved it.
[Gasps.]
There's smoke coming out of Kevin's chimney.
Don't panic! We don't know for sure that they've made that fire for romantic purposes.
I'm just gonna take this cookie and dip it in this port wine cheese ball.
What do you mean you sold the frickin' Santa? I had it on hold! Yeah, but then what happened was somebody else came in, so, yeah Great.
Just great.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much for ruining Christmas.
- Are you happy? - I'm wearing antlers, and working in a holiday theme store on Christmas Eve.
- Of course I'm not happy.
- Okay, you know what, Roger? I need my little girl to light up tonight, okay? So you need to produce a Santa with reindeer or else that chicken nugget [Whispering.]
Is not gonna enter your body via your mouth.
Ooh! That's lovely! Well, you know, I was thinking about getting it for Reagan, but I was hoping to find a last-second sale somewhere.
Oh, Chris, Reagan doesn't care about things like that.
Okay, well, maybe not, but I do.
I care.
It's what husbands do when they have great wives.
- They get them great gifts.
- Oh, my God.
What is it about men always having to [Slaps hands.]
Whip it out? [Laughs.]
I mean, look at you, waving it around, slamming it down on the table for everyone to see.
Ga-gush! Ga-gush? Oh, I'm sor is that a - that's a penis sound? - Look, Chris.
You made a choice to give up your job and stay home with Amy.
I was so proud of you.
I-I didn't think you had it in you.
Sorry, but, uh I always thought you were just a little bit of a Macho yahoo.
Oh, you did? Oh, well.
I've been in my fair share of fights.
That's a strong choice that you made, not a weak one.
So what if you don't bring home the bacon anymore? You are a real man.
Ga-gush! - Thank you, Angie.
- I mean it.
Okay.
Good guy.
I gotta get me some cash.
Good-bye, Shanny.
Hey, Chris.
What's going on? Uh, I'm just gonna go sell some of my hockey stuff.
Wow, I guess we're both making sacrifices this holiday season.
[Exaggerated sigh.]
Oh, boy.
Okay, uh, did you want to talk about your sacrifices? Oh, Christopher, you are so intuitive.
I mean, I'm not really upset about his ex-wife being there, even though she is an obsessed man-eater who does not know when to quit.
- Yeah.
- It's just that I've never really cared about a guy this way since Since since ever, I guess.
Ava, I I guess that's That's just this, uh, this love Stuff, right? Wow.
You always know what to say, Chris.
Oh.
I could really use a hug.
Sure.
Yeah, of course.
Ah, okay.
That is so, so nice.
Wow, this is - Ava.
- What? [Gasps.]
That's not mine! - Look, I'm not - I was just goosing you.
I'm not taking your money, okay? I'm gonna be fine.
Is it look.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
- I'm super late.
- What? I gotta go see this sports memorabilia guy, then I gotta go across town to the mall, and the mall's gonna be totally packed, and I'm terrible in jam-packed shopping situations.
Christopher, do you need me to slap you? You didn't even let me answer.
I mean, really, what good is putting something on hold if they're not gonna hold it? The holidays are so frustrating.
That's why, every year, I pay a Southern gay to decorate my house.
It's just a needless decoration! A plastic Santa's not that important.
Yes, a plastic Santa is very important, mom.
The only thing that matters to me right now is to see my baby's face light up.
God, you're just you are such a Grinch.
Well, I-I don't know this "Grinch" you speak of.
What, is that a Dickensian character? Oh, please, don't pretend that you don't know who the Grinch is.
God.
You just don't get it.
No, I think I do.
[Shopping mall commotion.]
Sweet mother.
[Sighs.]
God - Oh-oh.
- Mom, great! Where have you been? - [Laughs.]
- What's all this? Grab an antler! Or a hoof! - Come on! - Where did you find this? - Our neighbors' roof.
- What? - [Laughs.]
- This This is the stuff from when I was a kid? I raced to Santa Barbara to beg the Tardinos to loan it to us.
I was dreading asking them, because I don't relish coming face to face with Rick Tardino's swirling chest carpet.
Anyway, they weren't home.
So I borrowed it.
- You stole for me? - No Borrowed.
Although, I think they were at church.
Yeah, I don't feel so great about that, but I made my peace with it.
Thank you, mom.
Thank you.
You're not the only mommy who wants to give her little girl a great Christmas.
Maybe we should wait for Chris then, to get all this stuff up on the roof, huh? Yeah, or I could, uh, I could limber up with some clear spirits, and you could grab a ladder.
Ohh.
Give it up, mom.
It's Christmas up in here! Let's do it! [Overlapping chatter.]
Would you like to try incognito for men, by Devon? No, thanks oh, God, ah! Thank you, smells really good.
Kinda burns - ow! - I'm so sorry.
- What's wrong with you? - So much.
Everything.
Oh, gosh! Merry Christmas! Jeez.
Excuse me, ma'am, I'm just trying to find excuse me! She's already helping me.
I'm sorry, I did not see you there.
- God! - I'm just trying to find - something for my - lotion! No, no! Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Just a little bit nervous right now.
A lot of stuff's going on in my Bra celet.
Hey no, no.
No! No! Oh, come on.
[Sighs.]
Get this reindeer's bottom out of my face.
Well, you gotta hold the ladder steady.
Pl okay, mom, put down the wine.
Put down the wine.
Have you never been on a ladder before? You know what? Now you're shaking it, mom.
You're shaking.
Okay, will you just at least will you take off your pumps, please? You don't decorate barefoot.
We're not the Tardinos, for God's sake.
Okay, you know what? I can't hold it anymore.
It's slipping out of my hand.
It's slipping! I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! [Plastic crashing.]
Oh.
[Laughing.]
Why did you say you got it? [Chuckling.]
I don't know.
- Oh, Reagan! - What? Can you see into Kevin's backyard from there? I think there's steam coming out of his jacuzzi.
That's a sexual gateway.
Ava, honey, if you're so worried about what Kevin is doing, why don't you just go over there and talk to him about it like an adult? You're right.
[Exhales.]
Or I could spy from the neighbors'.
[Urgent knocking.]
Surprise! Hi, it's me! Ava Alexander! And this is, um A holiday home makeover! - Wait, what? - Oh, my God! - Yep! - Ava Alexander! That's right! Dreams are coming true, kids! Uh, from which one of your windows can I most clearly view your neighbor's backyard? I can't believe this is happening! It is! It totally is! - Keep on watching and growing.
- Oh, my God! That's right.
Kevin doesn't have a jacuzzi.
But you will, after your home makeover! - [All cheering.]
- Home makeover! Whoo! All right, hit it.
There.
[Both gasp.]
- Whoo-hoo! - Santa's on the roof, y'all! All right.
All right.
Whoa! Whoa! [Both laughing.]
Are you okay? [Laughs.]
Oh! Oh, what are you laughing at, huh? Oh, you think that's funny, you little scoundrel? You know what? I'll give you something to laugh about.
[Squealing.]
I'm gonna Tickle you! Tickle you! Tickle you! [Baby cooing.]
False alarm.
Kevin and his ex are not making love in the hot tub.
- Ava? - [Gasps.]
Kevin.
Hi! I just got back from Utah this second.
Merry Christmas! I think we need to talk.
[Tires screech.]
Guess what, daddy's home! Hi! Hey, that was, like, an elf decoration that I hit, right? Not-not, like, a little man or anything? Well, honey, what happened to you? I'm pretty sure that, on impact, I heard, like, a, "oh, no!" I just uh, I just had a really bad mall experience.
Oh, honey.
I just wanted to get you something really special.
The fact that you went through whatever you went through is it's enough for me.
It's the thought that counts.
Well - Then I got you two gifts.
- Hmm? The thoughtful thing and Well, and also, this.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look at this! [Gasps.]
Look at this! Look at it! - Yeah, no, no.
- Look at this! No, I've seen it.
I wrestled a retired police officer to get it.
Those dudes can really mess you up.
Oh, my God! Look at how hot my wrist looks! Oh, [Bleep.]
You, everybody! My husband rocks! My husband rocks! Oh, my God! Merry Christmas, babe.
So, I've been here all day.
Spying on you guys.
A celebrity stalker who's an actual celebrity.
[Laughs nervously.]
So were you just looking at us through binoculars or - With night vision.
- Night vision.
I also ate an entire cheese ball.
I ate the whole thing like an apple.
Please say something.
I love you.
Are you just saying that because you're afraid I'm about to kidnap you? No.
Wait, I shouldn't be worried about that, right? I love you too.
- For you, my dear.
- Oh.
- Huh.
- Mmm! - Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.
A puck from the lake placid Olympics.
Yeah, it's from the game when America beat the crap out of those godless commie bastards.
Do you believe in miracles? Yes.
It's for your collection.
Yeah.
If only Shanny was here to see this.
I still don't know who that is.
Both: We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year How many verses does this song have? - A lot.
- Yep.
Both: And a happy new year Now bring us some figgy pudding Now bring us some figgy pudding [Beatboxing poorly.]
Both: And bring it right here And we won't go until we get some [Low.]
They're not gonna go until they get some.
[Low.]
I know.
We better go get some.
So bring it out here We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
- Oh, jeez! - Ay yi yi.
- Wow.
Gene and Terry have really outdone themselves this year.
I mean, it's so tacky.
Right, honey? [Laughter.]
Oh, boy.
Here they come.
Welcome to our winter wonderland, Brinkley family! Yeah, look at your Christmas house.
Oh, it sure is A lot.
Amy sure seems to love it! Oh, yeah, well, you can't really go by her, 'cause she's easily impressed.
Yeah, she's not a great barometer.
She she'll play with my shoe for an hour.
Oh, well, remember, we're gonna come by with the kids to sing Carols in a few days! [Singing Carol of the bells.]
bum ba ba bum, bum ba ba bum [Falsetto.]
bum ba ba bum, bum ba ba bum - Oh, you're the high part? - [Laughs.]
Both: hark! How the bells sweet silver bells We should get going.
All seem to say throw cares away Oh, my God it has words What do we do? Just back away I'm really scared right now Hey.
Hey, babba-Lou.
Oh, my God! Little Christmas tree! I'm not really loving the little Christmas tree this year.
I mean, look at it.
And Amy's not so into it, either.
Is this 'cause of gene and Terry's decorations? Because, babe, seriously, their house is bonkers.
Okay, but you have to admit it.
I mean, she loved it.
And and, you know, isn't it our mission in life to make sure that her eyes light up like that? Babe, we make her eyes light up aplenty.
Right, Ame? Come on, who's got the wiggly-walk? Who's got that wiggly-walk? It's so wiggly, so Wiggly.
- There was a glimpse of something there.
- Yeah.
It really is going to be the ultimate ski-sno-vacation.
Wow.
You are aware of the fact that you don't ski? And every time I fall, Kevin will be there to pick me up in his big, strong arms and carry me to a bearskin rug by a roaring fire, where the steam from our bodies will cause a freaky thaw.
Special delivery from the North Pole.
[Fawning.]
Hi! Hey, hey.
Mwah.
What are you guys doing here? Well, we thought we'd come and cute this place up a little.
Well, you have.
Also, somebody's got a stinky diaper.
- If you don't mind.
- No, not at all.
All right.
Be right back.
- Okay.
- You are stinky.
And, um, do you have a quick second? I'd like to talk you in your office.
Christopher! What will people say? I need your help.
I'm having trouble coming up with a gift for Reagan.
Oh, you know, she was coveting that tennis bracelet I wore to the creative arts Emmys.
They're kind of expensive, you know? Yes, but you always get something nice for Reagan.
Why not get her a bracelet encrusted with di-a-monds? Wait, what are you? You know the saying, "di-a-monds are a girl's best friend.
" Oh, dia okay, yeah.
Well, yes, I mean, nice jewelry was always kind of my go-to when I was working all the time, but I haven't worked in almost a year, so Well, Reagan has.
She's been doing quite well.
Did you know that she makes 70% of what the male executive producer the Ellen show makes? I don't know, I just don't want to use her money to buy her own gift.
I want to be able to Do something special for her on my own, you know? You are like a A sweet, sweet onion.
So many layers.
Now, you need to go, I'm about to try on - some ski bunny outfits.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Ava.
- Check this out.
Eat our heart out, ski-pro-turned-pitchwoman Susie Chapstick.
Chhh.
Chhh.
Powder.
[Christmas music playing.]
Welcome ho-ho-home! Hey.
Wow.
I know.
I'm kicking ass, right? Yeah, my mom's gonna drive down tomorrow, so I just thought I'd get it all done before she got here.
Oh! Oh, my God! Look at this! Look at this! You're not gonna believe it! I flocked these pinecones myself.
God.
Did you do all this Also, what does this smell like? What does this smell like? [Sniffs.]
- Waxy cinnamon? - Christmas.
[Sniffs.]
It smells like Christmas.
- Oh.
- The best part? Look at Amy.
I mean, you know, she's not, like, fully lighting up right now, but she's I mean, she is digging it.
She's digging it quietly.
- On the inside, quietly.
- Right.
- And I'm not even halfway done.
- Oh, really? No, you know what I wanna track down? I wanna track down one of those, uh those light-up Santa Claus with the reindeer to put up on the roof.
You know, like, those old vintagey-looking ones where Santa's got his arm up and he's making that "ho ho ho" face? - Right.
- You know, like this? Ho ho.
No, I no, I got it.
- That one.
- Yeah.
By the way, we're not going crazy with each other for gifts this year, right? Oh, I don't know, I just I just feel like this should really just be about Amy.
And, honestly, your gift to me is the fact that you are just an amazing husband and father.
Thanks, babe.
[Humming jingle bells.]
[Sighs.]
Your mommy is the best, huh? [Gurgling.]
I agree, she deserves a bracelet.
Made out of Di-a-monds.
So listen, uh, I was talking to my ex-wife.
Oh, that's great.
It really is important to keep the lines of communication open.
- Chapstick anyone? - Sure.
No, let's do it this way.
- Mmm, regular flavor.
- Mm-hmm.
Anyway, Ava, uh, this is the first Christmas since my divorce, and Claire and I, we want to show our daughter that we'll always be in her life, so We're gonna spend Christmas together at my house.
I mean, look, I-I know you had this great ski-sno-vacation planned, but - I'm fine.
- Really? - Yes.
- Okay, good.
I've been dying to strap on my skis and grab those two pole thingies, and swish-swish-swish down an alpine crevasse.
Thanks, Ava.
Thank you for being so understanding.
I think I need more Chapstick.
Bye now.
[Struggling.]
I'm burning up! Missy! Come cut me out of this [Bleep.]
ing thing! - Quit panicking! - Ahh! [Screaming.]
What's happening? - You're making it worse! - Cut it! I feel like I'm being raped by a sleeping bag! Ahh! Ah, got another tweet from Ava.
- Hmm.
- "Skiing in Utah, y'all.
Get a job, snowboarders.
Hashtag, Mormons are cool.
" Poor baby girl.
There all by herself.
Yeah.
[Knock at door.]
- Hello? - Oh, hey, mom! - Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
- Merry Christmas! You know, with with all the decorations mwah outside, I wasn't sure I had the right house.
Yeah, well, I mean, I know that this isn't what my super-intellectual parents would do at their house, but we're just starting a new tradition now for Amy.
Chris, what are we gonna do with our beautiful little obsessive-compulsive? Oh, well, this ADHD boy is not gonna touch that with a ten-foot pole, so Yeah, I wouldn't.
Is it me, or is this snowman sexually perverse? Gyrating like that.
No pants.
I actually think he is amazing.
And, you know what, I'm not gonna apologize for wanting to give my daughter a very special first Christmas, mom.
Oh, goodness.
I'm not asking you to.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Okay, all right.
Uh, who would like some delicious wine? - I would.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
- Whoa, Ava.
- Hey! Where did you come from? Oh, I parked around the block and scaled your wall.
Angie! I really like that brooch.
Is that vintage? How are you here? I mean, you're supposed to be in Utah.
Well, the jig is up, everyone.
I'm not in Utah! See, I wanted Kevin to think that I went skiing.
I wanted him to think that I was fine with whatever was going on with his ex in that sin shack across the street.
Listen to me, there is nothing going on across the street.
All right? Claire? Seriously, you have nothing to worry about with her.
Right, honey? Oh, no, yeah.
Talk about "woof.
" Yeah.
I mean, she is not easy on the eyes.
- I mean, she is mean.
Rude.
- Oh, she's a compulsive liar.
- Big ba-donka-donk.
- Yeah, she ran a Ponzi scheme.
- I'm pretty sure.
- Just unpleasant.
Bad breath.
Aww, you guys are the best.
- I'll just take this.
- Take that.
Oh, my God! Is that her pulling up to Kevin's house? Oh, look at them.
They were out together rekindling, I knew it.
What is that she's carrying, a fruit bouquet? Oh, nobody likes those.
Good going, Claire.
Hope they like fruit flies for Christmas.
Ava, they're just trying to give their daughter a nice Christmas.
That's how it starts.
But then it's, "McKenna, remember that time we all went to the zoo and you dropped your ice cream?" And then, the next thing you know, Kevin and Claire are making love.
Okay, I hope there are a bunch of steps in between.
Hey, Ava, why don't you just go talk to Kevin? Ugh, because I'm in Utah, Chris? And, besides, even if I did somehow "come back," I I just can't barge in on their precious family time.
I mean, how would that look? - Something like this.
- [Sighs.]
Do you guys have any binoculars? McKenna's playing in the front yard! By herself! You do? Oh, fantastic! Yeah, will you put it on hold for me? Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'll be right there.
Oh, my God! I am the awesomest! I found a place that has the last Santa display for the roof.
- That's great! - Oh, my God, do you remember? When I was a kid, and our neighbors had that one on the roof? God, I used to stare at that for hours.
Uch, the Tardinos.
Oh, yeah.
Well, they're still there, depressing property values with their trampoline full of pine needles.
You know they bought a boat? Well, it was a beautiful Santa.
I loved it.
[Gasps.]
There's smoke coming out of Kevin's chimney.
Don't panic! We don't know for sure that they've made that fire for romantic purposes.
I'm just gonna take this cookie and dip it in this port wine cheese ball.
What do you mean you sold the frickin' Santa? I had it on hold! Yeah, but then what happened was somebody else came in, so, yeah Great.
Just great.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much for ruining Christmas.
- Are you happy? - I'm wearing antlers, and working in a holiday theme store on Christmas Eve.
- Of course I'm not happy.
- Okay, you know what, Roger? I need my little girl to light up tonight, okay? So you need to produce a Santa with reindeer or else that chicken nugget [Whispering.]
Is not gonna enter your body via your mouth.
Ooh! That's lovely! Well, you know, I was thinking about getting it for Reagan, but I was hoping to find a last-second sale somewhere.
Oh, Chris, Reagan doesn't care about things like that.
Okay, well, maybe not, but I do.
I care.
It's what husbands do when they have great wives.
- They get them great gifts.
- Oh, my God.
What is it about men always having to [Slaps hands.]
Whip it out? [Laughs.]
I mean, look at you, waving it around, slamming it down on the table for everyone to see.
Ga-gush! Ga-gush? Oh, I'm sor is that a - that's a penis sound? - Look, Chris.
You made a choice to give up your job and stay home with Amy.
I was so proud of you.
I-I didn't think you had it in you.
Sorry, but, uh I always thought you were just a little bit of a Macho yahoo.
Oh, you did? Oh, well.
I've been in my fair share of fights.
That's a strong choice that you made, not a weak one.
So what if you don't bring home the bacon anymore? You are a real man.
Ga-gush! - Thank you, Angie.
- I mean it.
Okay.
Good guy.
I gotta get me some cash.
Good-bye, Shanny.
Hey, Chris.
What's going on? Uh, I'm just gonna go sell some of my hockey stuff.
Wow, I guess we're both making sacrifices this holiday season.
[Exaggerated sigh.]
Oh, boy.
Okay, uh, did you want to talk about your sacrifices? Oh, Christopher, you are so intuitive.
I mean, I'm not really upset about his ex-wife being there, even though she is an obsessed man-eater who does not know when to quit.
- Yeah.
- It's just that I've never really cared about a guy this way since Since since ever, I guess.
Ava, I I guess that's That's just this, uh, this love Stuff, right? Wow.
You always know what to say, Chris.
Oh.
I could really use a hug.
Sure.
Yeah, of course.
Ah, okay.
That is so, so nice.
Wow, this is - Ava.
- What? [Gasps.]
That's not mine! - Look, I'm not - I was just goosing you.
I'm not taking your money, okay? I'm gonna be fine.
Is it look.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
- I'm super late.
- What? I gotta go see this sports memorabilia guy, then I gotta go across town to the mall, and the mall's gonna be totally packed, and I'm terrible in jam-packed shopping situations.
Christopher, do you need me to slap you? You didn't even let me answer.
I mean, really, what good is putting something on hold if they're not gonna hold it? The holidays are so frustrating.
That's why, every year, I pay a Southern gay to decorate my house.
It's just a needless decoration! A plastic Santa's not that important.
Yes, a plastic Santa is very important, mom.
The only thing that matters to me right now is to see my baby's face light up.
God, you're just you are such a Grinch.
Well, I-I don't know this "Grinch" you speak of.
What, is that a Dickensian character? Oh, please, don't pretend that you don't know who the Grinch is.
God.
You just don't get it.
No, I think I do.
[Shopping mall commotion.]
Sweet mother.
[Sighs.]
God - Oh-oh.
- Mom, great! Where have you been? - [Laughs.]
- What's all this? Grab an antler! Or a hoof! - Come on! - Where did you find this? - Our neighbors' roof.
- What? - [Laughs.]
- This This is the stuff from when I was a kid? I raced to Santa Barbara to beg the Tardinos to loan it to us.
I was dreading asking them, because I don't relish coming face to face with Rick Tardino's swirling chest carpet.
Anyway, they weren't home.
So I borrowed it.
- You stole for me? - No Borrowed.
Although, I think they were at church.
Yeah, I don't feel so great about that, but I made my peace with it.
Thank you, mom.
Thank you.
You're not the only mommy who wants to give her little girl a great Christmas.
Maybe we should wait for Chris then, to get all this stuff up on the roof, huh? Yeah, or I could, uh, I could limber up with some clear spirits, and you could grab a ladder.
Ohh.
Give it up, mom.
It's Christmas up in here! Let's do it! [Overlapping chatter.]
Would you like to try incognito for men, by Devon? No, thanks oh, God, ah! Thank you, smells really good.
Kinda burns - ow! - I'm so sorry.
- What's wrong with you? - So much.
Everything.
Oh, gosh! Merry Christmas! Jeez.
Excuse me, ma'am, I'm just trying to find excuse me! She's already helping me.
I'm sorry, I did not see you there.
- God! - I'm just trying to find - something for my - lotion! No, no! Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Just a little bit nervous right now.
A lot of stuff's going on in my Bra celet.
Hey no, no.
No! No! Oh, come on.
[Sighs.]
Get this reindeer's bottom out of my face.
Well, you gotta hold the ladder steady.
Pl okay, mom, put down the wine.
Put down the wine.
Have you never been on a ladder before? You know what? Now you're shaking it, mom.
You're shaking.
Okay, will you just at least will you take off your pumps, please? You don't decorate barefoot.
We're not the Tardinos, for God's sake.
Okay, you know what? I can't hold it anymore.
It's slipping out of my hand.
It's slipping! I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! [Plastic crashing.]
Oh.
[Laughing.]
Why did you say you got it? [Chuckling.]
I don't know.
- Oh, Reagan! - What? Can you see into Kevin's backyard from there? I think there's steam coming out of his jacuzzi.
That's a sexual gateway.
Ava, honey, if you're so worried about what Kevin is doing, why don't you just go over there and talk to him about it like an adult? You're right.
[Exhales.]
Or I could spy from the neighbors'.
[Urgent knocking.]
Surprise! Hi, it's me! Ava Alexander! And this is, um A holiday home makeover! - Wait, what? - Oh, my God! - Yep! - Ava Alexander! That's right! Dreams are coming true, kids! Uh, from which one of your windows can I most clearly view your neighbor's backyard? I can't believe this is happening! It is! It totally is! - Keep on watching and growing.
- Oh, my God! That's right.
Kevin doesn't have a jacuzzi.
But you will, after your home makeover! - [All cheering.]
- Home makeover! Whoo! All right, hit it.
There.
[Both gasp.]
- Whoo-hoo! - Santa's on the roof, y'all! All right.
All right.
Whoa! Whoa! [Both laughing.]
Are you okay? [Laughs.]
Oh! Oh, what are you laughing at, huh? Oh, you think that's funny, you little scoundrel? You know what? I'll give you something to laugh about.
[Squealing.]
I'm gonna Tickle you! Tickle you! Tickle you! [Baby cooing.]
False alarm.
Kevin and his ex are not making love in the hot tub.
- Ava? - [Gasps.]
Kevin.
Hi! I just got back from Utah this second.
Merry Christmas! I think we need to talk.
[Tires screech.]
Guess what, daddy's home! Hi! Hey, that was, like, an elf decoration that I hit, right? Not-not, like, a little man or anything? Well, honey, what happened to you? I'm pretty sure that, on impact, I heard, like, a, "oh, no!" I just uh, I just had a really bad mall experience.
Oh, honey.
I just wanted to get you something really special.
The fact that you went through whatever you went through is it's enough for me.
It's the thought that counts.
Well - Then I got you two gifts.
- Hmm? The thoughtful thing and Well, and also, this.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look at this! [Gasps.]
Look at this! Look at it! - Yeah, no, no.
- Look at this! No, I've seen it.
I wrestled a retired police officer to get it.
Those dudes can really mess you up.
Oh, my God! Look at how hot my wrist looks! Oh, [Bleep.]
You, everybody! My husband rocks! My husband rocks! Oh, my God! Merry Christmas, babe.
So, I've been here all day.
Spying on you guys.
A celebrity stalker who's an actual celebrity.
[Laughs nervously.]
So were you just looking at us through binoculars or - With night vision.
- Night vision.
I also ate an entire cheese ball.
I ate the whole thing like an apple.
Please say something.
I love you.
Are you just saying that because you're afraid I'm about to kidnap you? No.
Wait, I shouldn't be worried about that, right? I love you too.
- For you, my dear.
- Oh.
- Huh.
- Mmm! - Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.
A puck from the lake placid Olympics.
Yeah, it's from the game when America beat the crap out of those godless commie bastards.
Do you believe in miracles? Yes.
It's for your collection.
Yeah.
If only Shanny was here to see this.
I still don't know who that is.
Both: We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year How many verses does this song have? - A lot.
- Yep.
Both: And a happy new year Now bring us some figgy pudding Now bring us some figgy pudding [Beatboxing poorly.]
Both: And bring it right here And we won't go until we get some [Low.]
They're not gonna go until they get some.
[Low.]
I know.
We better go get some.
So bring it out here We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas