Animaniacs (1993) s01e114 Episode Script
When Mice Ruled the Earth / Mobster Mash / Icebreakers / 'Twas the Day Before Christmas / Jingle Boo
[.]
NARRATOR: And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"The Shoe.
" There was an old woman Who lived in a shoe And, boy, did it stink in there Thank you.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
NARRATOR: This has been another visit to Dot's Poetry Corner.
[.]
ALL: It's time for Animaniacs And we're zany to the max So just sit back and relax You'll laugh Till you collapse We're Animaniacs BOTH: Come join The Warner brothers And the Warner sister, Dot ALL: Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught But we break loose And then vamoose And now you know the plot We're Animaniacs Dot is cute and Yakko yaks Wakko packs away the snacks While Bill Clinton Plays the sax We're Animaniacs Meet Pinky and the Brain Who want to rule The universe Goodfeathers flock together Slappy whacks 'em With her purse Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse The writers flipped We have no script Why bother to rehearse? We're Animaniacs We have pay-or-play Contracts We're zany to the max There's bologna In our slacks We're Animan-y Totally insane-y Miss Cellany Animaniacs Those are the facts [.]
[.]
It's time to play: AUDIENCE: You Risk Your Life! Now, everybody's favorite host, Yakko.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
Oh, Scratchansniff, why don't we bring out our first two contestants.
Okay.
She's a homemaker from Madison, Wisconsin.
He is the world's greatest philosopher.
Please welcome Mrs.
Myra Puntridge und Aristotle.
[APPLAUSE.]
Welcome to You Risk Your Life.
Say the secret word and Wakko will hit you on the head with a mallet.
SCRATCHANSNIFF: Today's secret word is "Yes.
" Now, Myra, you're a homemaker, is that right? Oh, correct.
What kind of homes do you make? [ALL LAUGHING.]
[GIGGLES.]
And, Aristotle, let's see here.
It says you are a philosopher, is that correct? Yes.
[DINGING.]
Congratulations.
You said the secret word.
Well, are you both ready to play You Risk Your Life? Yes.
[DINGING.]
You said the secret word again.
Congratulations.
All right, you've chosen the category "Vocabulary.
" Here's your question.
"What word is the opposite of no?" [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Yes.
That's correct! Good night, everybody.
See you tomorrow.
[APPLAUSE.]
SCRATCHANSNIFF: Mallet furnished by Bashem and Wallop of Beverly Hills.
Good night.
[.]
ALL: The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world Our next cartoon Features Slappy the squirrel Enough with the singing already.
That's Slappy [.]
[.]
Aah Diet soda.
Heh.
Gotta watch my figure.
Hey, somebody's gotta watch it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where you going, Aunt Slappy? To the store to get some buttermilk.
Spew! Hey, they make it, somebody's gotta drink it.
[.]
Eww! Excuse me.
You're excused.
Um, would you mind? Probably.
Look, I ain't interested in Amway, lady, all right? Would you mind removing your can from my trash receptacle? Allen Funt is a dead man.
That is my trash can.
I'm sure you must have a trash can of your own.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to take my soda can out of your trash can, walk all the way back over to my tree, and throw it in my trash can? That's right.
Do you have a problem with that? No, but now you do.
Thank you so much.
Buh-bye.
You're welcome so much.
Buh-bye.
If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life.
But I'm not.
[CACKLES.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, miss lady.
Would you like to buy some cookies? All the proceeds go to help squirrel scouts to be more like you.
Isn't that appropriate.
I'll take one box.
I love helping out children less perfect than I.
[GASPS.]
[GROWLS.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oof! Let the games begin.
[.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Victoria Sifuentes, attorney at law.
My card.
Ipso facto on this date-o your late-us Uncle Festoon has passed on and left you this.
My, my.
Oh, why, thank you.
I wonder what it could be.
Aha! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing.
Oof! In other cases, it's the only thing.
[.]
"Dear Candie Chipmunk, congratulations.
"You have been chosen to appear "on the new game show entitled The New Game Show.
Come to the studio right away.
" Imagine me on a game show.
What'll I wear? All right, Candie.
You've already won a washer-dryer, a wet bar, a Lexus, the Love Boat, Cher's house, and the planet Venus.
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
Aah.
Do you want to keep your prizes, or trade them for something possibly even bigger behind Curtain Number 3? BOTH [IN UNISON.]
: Hello, nurse.
Boys, go fig.
I'll take the curtain! [SIZZLING.]
She exploded.
It's a toon thing.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Shoot me.
Look at that.
She ain't recyclin'.
[.]
CANDIE: Hup, two, three, four No can's getting in my door Hup, two, three, four No can's getting in my door [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hello.
We're taking collections for the homeless.
[CANDIE GROWLS.]
Prepare to eat it, Slappy.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! Ha! Gotcha.
She reminds me of a very young Wilma Flintstone.
[.]
[KEYS CLICKING.]
[SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING.]
Ho, ho, ho! Have I got something for you.
Mm, a present from Santa Slappy? Let me guess.
Could it be a can? Being the jolly representation of the holidays isn't what it used to be.
[.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
I've been waiting and waiting and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me! What about the plot, Hemingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story? Who cares? Anvils are funny.
Kids, what the heck can you do? Watch a pro, Skippy.
Congratulations, lady.
You're a mother.
Who knew? [.]
Oh, he looks just like his father.
Now, you and Mr.
Dumpster have a happy life.
Buh-bye.
Burp for Mommy.
Now for that buttermilk.
Spew! It could be worse.
It could be prune juice.
[.]
[.]
PINKY: Gee, Brain.
What do you wanna do tonight? The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world.
[.]
ALL: They're Pinky and the Brain Yes, Pinky and the Brain One is a genius The other's insane They're laboratory mice Their genes Have been spliced They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain [.]
[.]
[PINKY PANTING.]
Can I stop now, Brain? Not until I finish my demonstration.
When I build my reverse geotropic arrester, Pinky, and throw it from the North Pole like this: [BRAIN GRUNTS.]
In a matter of seconds, the cable will become taut, gravity will cease, and everyone will fly off the face of the Earth-- [SCREAMS.]
[CRASH.]
--leaving us alone to assume control.
[GRUNTS.]
Egad, Brain.
Brilliant.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, wait.
No, no.
What's going to keep us from flying off the Earth? BRAIN: We will duct-tape ourselves to a tree.
Unfortunately, we still need to raise money to buy a 1 billion-ton magnet.
But I have a solution.
Tomorrow is the running of the Kentucky Derby.
Do you know what that is? Um Oh, a very large hat? Promise me something, Pinky.
Never breed.
I'll try.
The Kentucky Derby is the biggest horserace of the year.
There's a $1,000,000 purse going to the jockey riding the winning horse, and I am going to win that purse! Zort, Brain, a million-dollar purse? Oh, you're going to need matching pumps and earrings for that.
Focus, Pinky, focus.
Now, watch.
Voilà! [.]
Narf! Oh, Brain, I get it.
You're a beautiful lawn ornament.
Look at me, narf.
I'm a pink flamingo.
[GIGGLES.]
I'm a cement deer.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, I'm one of the seven dwarfs, Brain.
Stop it, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.
Oh, righto, Brain.
Narf.
Now, let us make haste, for we have much to do before the race begins.
PINKY: Poit.
BRAIN: First, Pinky, we must visit the stables.
Inside, we will find the winning horse.
PINKY: Uh, how are we gonna do that, Brain? BRAIN: The Racing Form, Pinky.
By analyzing the velocity-based pace line, mile turf win, and Beyer Speed Figures, we'll find a Grade 1 stakes claimer who'll give us a key-horse situation.
Uh, can't we just ride the pretty one? [WHINNIES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Heavens, they're multiplying.
[GIGGLES.]
This is a business trip, Pinky.
Oh, right.
Sorry, Brain.
Here is our horse.
"Daddy's Little Angel.
" [SNORTS.]
[EXHALES.]
Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Well, I think so, Brain, but isn't Regis Philbin already married? The race, Pinky.
By combining the statistics and my low body weight, this horse cannot lose.
The prize money will be ours.
Now, I must take the place of the real jockey.
[.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Is this the jockey who's going to ride Daddy's Little Angel? Yeah.
This is Ed McMahon for Publishers Smearing House.
You've just won $10,000,000.
I won $10,000,000.
I won $10,000,000! I am outta here! Later! Louie! Louie! Later! Who's gonna ride my horse? I mean, Louie is the smallest, lightest jockey in the entire world.
BRAIN: Not anymore.
[ALL GASP.]
[.]
You're a jockey? Actually, I am a mouse in the early stages of an elaborate scheme to take over the world.
Well, fine.
We all need a hobby, but will you ride my horse? I shall ride and win.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you! Let's weigh him in.
Saddle, 7 pounds.
Saddle and rider, 7 pounds, 3 ounces.
A genetically perfect jockey.
This is fantastic.
Let's look into early retirement.
[.]
Here come the horses, ladies and gentlemen, [OVER SPEAKER.]
for the running of the Kentucky Derby.
Camptown races Five miles long Doo-da, doo-da [.]
Oh, isn't this exciting, Brain? Pinky, what are you doing here? Your weight will disrupt my winning calculations.
But, Brain, it's too exciting.
I-- Oh, hello.
[GIGGLES.]
[SIGHS.]
[BUGLING "CHARGE".]
Pinky, the race is starting.
[GUNSHOT.]
ANNOUNCER: And they're off! [.]
Wow! Zort.
Poit! [YELLS.]
There's bologna In our slacks ANNOUNCER: On the inside corner it's Isle of Yap in the lead, followed by Flameel and Leggo My Egoiste on the inside rail.
And coming up strong on the outside is Daddy's Little Angel.
And Phar Fignewton trails far behind.
On the backstretch, coming into the final turn, it's Isle of Yap, Flameel, and Daddy's Little Angel is passing them all.
Yah! Yah! [.]
[RUMBLING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Zort! Oof! ANNOUNCER: And Daddy's Little Angel takes the lead by two lengths, followed by Isle of Yap, Flameel, Leggo My Egoiste, and way back there, Phar Fignewton.
Victory, she waits for me Oh, the doo-da day Huh? [SCREAMS.]
[.]
ANNOUNCER: Phar Fignewton is coming up like a rocket on the outside.
It's Daddy's Little Angel and Phar Fignewton.
Oh, no.
Yah! Yah! Yah! [WHIMPERING.]
[YELPS.]
And at the wire, it's Phar Fignewton.
Phar Fignewton wins it all! In the words of the great Willie Shoemaker, "Nuts!" [.]
[HAMMERING.]
Pinky, will you please stop that? I'm trying to concentrate on tomorrow night.
Mwah.
Why, Brain? What are we gonna do tomorrow night? Guess.
Oh, yeah.
Trying to take over the world.
Right.
They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain [.]
NARRATOR: And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Fuzzy Wuzzy.
" Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy So he changed his name to Ed Asner Thank you.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
NARRATOR: This has been another visit to Dot's Poetry Corner.
[.]
Spew!
NARRATOR: And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"The Shoe.
" There was an old woman Who lived in a shoe And, boy, did it stink in there Thank you.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
NARRATOR: This has been another visit to Dot's Poetry Corner.
[.]
ALL: It's time for Animaniacs And we're zany to the max So just sit back and relax You'll laugh Till you collapse We're Animaniacs BOTH: Come join The Warner brothers And the Warner sister, Dot ALL: Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught But we break loose And then vamoose And now you know the plot We're Animaniacs Dot is cute and Yakko yaks Wakko packs away the snacks While Bill Clinton Plays the sax We're Animaniacs Meet Pinky and the Brain Who want to rule The universe Goodfeathers flock together Slappy whacks 'em With her purse Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse The writers flipped We have no script Why bother to rehearse? We're Animaniacs We have pay-or-play Contracts We're zany to the max There's bologna In our slacks We're Animan-y Totally insane-y Miss Cellany Animaniacs Those are the facts [.]
[.]
It's time to play: AUDIENCE: You Risk Your Life! Now, everybody's favorite host, Yakko.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
Oh, Scratchansniff, why don't we bring out our first two contestants.
Okay.
She's a homemaker from Madison, Wisconsin.
He is the world's greatest philosopher.
Please welcome Mrs.
Myra Puntridge und Aristotle.
[APPLAUSE.]
Welcome to You Risk Your Life.
Say the secret word and Wakko will hit you on the head with a mallet.
SCRATCHANSNIFF: Today's secret word is "Yes.
" Now, Myra, you're a homemaker, is that right? Oh, correct.
What kind of homes do you make? [ALL LAUGHING.]
[GIGGLES.]
And, Aristotle, let's see here.
It says you are a philosopher, is that correct? Yes.
[DINGING.]
Congratulations.
You said the secret word.
Well, are you both ready to play You Risk Your Life? Yes.
[DINGING.]
You said the secret word again.
Congratulations.
All right, you've chosen the category "Vocabulary.
" Here's your question.
"What word is the opposite of no?" [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Yes.
That's correct! Good night, everybody.
See you tomorrow.
[APPLAUSE.]
SCRATCHANSNIFF: Mallet furnished by Bashem and Wallop of Beverly Hills.
Good night.
[.]
ALL: The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world Our next cartoon Features Slappy the squirrel Enough with the singing already.
That's Slappy [.]
[.]
Aah Diet soda.
Heh.
Gotta watch my figure.
Hey, somebody's gotta watch it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where you going, Aunt Slappy? To the store to get some buttermilk.
Spew! Hey, they make it, somebody's gotta drink it.
[.]
Eww! Excuse me.
You're excused.
Um, would you mind? Probably.
Look, I ain't interested in Amway, lady, all right? Would you mind removing your can from my trash receptacle? Allen Funt is a dead man.
That is my trash can.
I'm sure you must have a trash can of your own.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to take my soda can out of your trash can, walk all the way back over to my tree, and throw it in my trash can? That's right.
Do you have a problem with that? No, but now you do.
Thank you so much.
Buh-bye.
You're welcome so much.
Buh-bye.
If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life.
But I'm not.
[CACKLES.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, miss lady.
Would you like to buy some cookies? All the proceeds go to help squirrel scouts to be more like you.
Isn't that appropriate.
I'll take one box.
I love helping out children less perfect than I.
[GASPS.]
[GROWLS.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oof! Let the games begin.
[.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Victoria Sifuentes, attorney at law.
My card.
Ipso facto on this date-o your late-us Uncle Festoon has passed on and left you this.
My, my.
Oh, why, thank you.
I wonder what it could be.
Aha! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing.
Oof! In other cases, it's the only thing.
[.]
"Dear Candie Chipmunk, congratulations.
"You have been chosen to appear "on the new game show entitled The New Game Show.
Come to the studio right away.
" Imagine me on a game show.
What'll I wear? All right, Candie.
You've already won a washer-dryer, a wet bar, a Lexus, the Love Boat, Cher's house, and the planet Venus.
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
Aah.
Do you want to keep your prizes, or trade them for something possibly even bigger behind Curtain Number 3? BOTH [IN UNISON.]
: Hello, nurse.
Boys, go fig.
I'll take the curtain! [SIZZLING.]
She exploded.
It's a toon thing.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Shoot me.
Look at that.
She ain't recyclin'.
[.]
CANDIE: Hup, two, three, four No can's getting in my door Hup, two, three, four No can's getting in my door [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hello.
We're taking collections for the homeless.
[CANDIE GROWLS.]
Prepare to eat it, Slappy.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! Ha! Gotcha.
She reminds me of a very young Wilma Flintstone.
[.]
[KEYS CLICKING.]
[SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING.]
Ho, ho, ho! Have I got something for you.
Mm, a present from Santa Slappy? Let me guess.
Could it be a can? Being the jolly representation of the holidays isn't what it used to be.
[.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
I've been waiting and waiting and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me! What about the plot, Hemingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story? Who cares? Anvils are funny.
Kids, what the heck can you do? Watch a pro, Skippy.
Congratulations, lady.
You're a mother.
Who knew? [.]
Oh, he looks just like his father.
Now, you and Mr.
Dumpster have a happy life.
Buh-bye.
Burp for Mommy.
Now for that buttermilk.
Spew! It could be worse.
It could be prune juice.
[.]
[.]
PINKY: Gee, Brain.
What do you wanna do tonight? The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world.
[.]
ALL: They're Pinky and the Brain Yes, Pinky and the Brain One is a genius The other's insane They're laboratory mice Their genes Have been spliced They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain [.]
[.]
[PINKY PANTING.]
Can I stop now, Brain? Not until I finish my demonstration.
When I build my reverse geotropic arrester, Pinky, and throw it from the North Pole like this: [BRAIN GRUNTS.]
In a matter of seconds, the cable will become taut, gravity will cease, and everyone will fly off the face of the Earth-- [SCREAMS.]
[CRASH.]
--leaving us alone to assume control.
[GRUNTS.]
Egad, Brain.
Brilliant.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, wait.
No, no.
What's going to keep us from flying off the Earth? BRAIN: We will duct-tape ourselves to a tree.
Unfortunately, we still need to raise money to buy a 1 billion-ton magnet.
But I have a solution.
Tomorrow is the running of the Kentucky Derby.
Do you know what that is? Um Oh, a very large hat? Promise me something, Pinky.
Never breed.
I'll try.
The Kentucky Derby is the biggest horserace of the year.
There's a $1,000,000 purse going to the jockey riding the winning horse, and I am going to win that purse! Zort, Brain, a million-dollar purse? Oh, you're going to need matching pumps and earrings for that.
Focus, Pinky, focus.
Now, watch.
Voilà! [.]
Narf! Oh, Brain, I get it.
You're a beautiful lawn ornament.
Look at me, narf.
I'm a pink flamingo.
[GIGGLES.]
I'm a cement deer.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, I'm one of the seven dwarfs, Brain.
Stop it, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.
Oh, righto, Brain.
Narf.
Now, let us make haste, for we have much to do before the race begins.
PINKY: Poit.
BRAIN: First, Pinky, we must visit the stables.
Inside, we will find the winning horse.
PINKY: Uh, how are we gonna do that, Brain? BRAIN: The Racing Form, Pinky.
By analyzing the velocity-based pace line, mile turf win, and Beyer Speed Figures, we'll find a Grade 1 stakes claimer who'll give us a key-horse situation.
Uh, can't we just ride the pretty one? [WHINNIES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Heavens, they're multiplying.
[GIGGLES.]
This is a business trip, Pinky.
Oh, right.
Sorry, Brain.
Here is our horse.
"Daddy's Little Angel.
" [SNORTS.]
[EXHALES.]
Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Well, I think so, Brain, but isn't Regis Philbin already married? The race, Pinky.
By combining the statistics and my low body weight, this horse cannot lose.
The prize money will be ours.
Now, I must take the place of the real jockey.
[.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Is this the jockey who's going to ride Daddy's Little Angel? Yeah.
This is Ed McMahon for Publishers Smearing House.
You've just won $10,000,000.
I won $10,000,000.
I won $10,000,000! I am outta here! Later! Louie! Louie! Later! Who's gonna ride my horse? I mean, Louie is the smallest, lightest jockey in the entire world.
BRAIN: Not anymore.
[ALL GASP.]
[.]
You're a jockey? Actually, I am a mouse in the early stages of an elaborate scheme to take over the world.
Well, fine.
We all need a hobby, but will you ride my horse? I shall ride and win.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you! Let's weigh him in.
Saddle, 7 pounds.
Saddle and rider, 7 pounds, 3 ounces.
A genetically perfect jockey.
This is fantastic.
Let's look into early retirement.
[.]
Here come the horses, ladies and gentlemen, [OVER SPEAKER.]
for the running of the Kentucky Derby.
Camptown races Five miles long Doo-da, doo-da [.]
Oh, isn't this exciting, Brain? Pinky, what are you doing here? Your weight will disrupt my winning calculations.
But, Brain, it's too exciting.
I-- Oh, hello.
[GIGGLES.]
[SIGHS.]
[BUGLING "CHARGE".]
Pinky, the race is starting.
[GUNSHOT.]
ANNOUNCER: And they're off! [.]
Wow! Zort.
Poit! [YELLS.]
There's bologna In our slacks ANNOUNCER: On the inside corner it's Isle of Yap in the lead, followed by Flameel and Leggo My Egoiste on the inside rail.
And coming up strong on the outside is Daddy's Little Angel.
And Phar Fignewton trails far behind.
On the backstretch, coming into the final turn, it's Isle of Yap, Flameel, and Daddy's Little Angel is passing them all.
Yah! Yah! [.]
[RUMBLING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Zort! Oof! ANNOUNCER: And Daddy's Little Angel takes the lead by two lengths, followed by Isle of Yap, Flameel, Leggo My Egoiste, and way back there, Phar Fignewton.
Victory, she waits for me Oh, the doo-da day Huh? [SCREAMS.]
[.]
ANNOUNCER: Phar Fignewton is coming up like a rocket on the outside.
It's Daddy's Little Angel and Phar Fignewton.
Oh, no.
Yah! Yah! Yah! [WHIMPERING.]
[YELPS.]
And at the wire, it's Phar Fignewton.
Phar Fignewton wins it all! In the words of the great Willie Shoemaker, "Nuts!" [.]
[HAMMERING.]
Pinky, will you please stop that? I'm trying to concentrate on tomorrow night.
Mwah.
Why, Brain? What are we gonna do tomorrow night? Guess.
Oh, yeah.
Trying to take over the world.
Right.
They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain [.]
NARRATOR: And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"Fuzzy Wuzzy.
" Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy So he changed his name to Ed Asner Thank you.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
NARRATOR: This has been another visit to Dot's Poetry Corner.
[.]
Spew!