2 Broke Girls s01e12 Episode Script

- Earl, can you break some 20s? The big spenders at table two wanna split their $11 check three ways, even though one person did all the eating.
- I was in a three-way once.
Same thing happened.
- Max, table ten would like the check.
And don't forget to pick up customer comment card.
Customers very important.
It's all about the fans.
- Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say.
For instance, what's happening right now Not a fan.
- Max, feedback from customers is very important business tool.
Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude.
- There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, But I'm gonna need two double-a batteries And a 20-minute break.
- ? Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ? [cash register bell dings.]
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh - Welcome, everyone.
Thanks for coming to very important First official diner meeting.
- This ain't right, man.
- Earl, here's your brandy.
- Okay, we're good now.
- If I knew we were gonna have staff meetings after work, I would've taken job at T.
G.
I.
Friday instead.
Over there, they roll fast and loose.
- Well, this is how I roll.
- Yeah, short and slow.
- No, I roll fast and furious.
Tokyo drift style.
- Han, I'm starting to drift.
Can we get to the point? Max and I still have to get home and bake cupcakes for tomorrow.
- We received so many excellent comments from customers tonight.
Okay, first comment.
"Dark-haired waitress" - Hey! - "Was very rude.
- Hey! - Max, customers are giving their honest opinions about diner.
We need to take it seriously.
"I'd like to ride the blonde waitress like a tilt-a-whirl.
" - Shout out! - Next comment.
"Why does cashier wear earphones? I thought he was a dj.
" Both: ? Go, Earl, Go, Earl ? - Holla! - Moving on.
"This meatloaf tastes stale and dry.
" Both: ? yeah, Oleg yeah, Oleg ? - It also says that cook could wear deodorant And shirt that covers armpit.
- This is on card? - Yes.
- You are lying.
- Yes.
- Remind me never to be a spy with han.
- So this is how you tell me what you think of me? You hide behind outdated method of feedback? - What, I should've posted twitpic of my face like this? - Maybe I will send you a twitpic of my meatloaf.
- Can you twits pick another time to do this? I've gotta go home.
- I have to go home too And cut the remaining sleeves off of all my shirts.
And then go buy more shirts And cut the sleeves off those shirts.
- You must wear sleeves.
- Do not tell me what to do.
I was working here when you were still a dumpling On your father's chopstick.
- Now this is starting to sound like earl time.
- Did it light? - No.
Try another one.
The gas is on.
Ah! - Why are we throwing fire at an oven? Is this a poor people game? - Yeah, it's called light the broken pilot light Without blowing our faces off! - This is ridiculous.
My heart is pounding.
I didn't know baking cupcakes was an extreme sport.
It's like the deadliest batch.
- See? A slight hint of gas in the air Makes everything funnier.
Now there's too much gas.
If we threw a math in there now, I'd be out a nose or a pair or a pair of eyebrows And I'm not living through that again.
- Again? - When I was a little girl, I was trying to make a hungry man dinner And I lit the pilot light too soon and whoosh! No eyebrows.
Had to draw them on in magic marker.
Only mexican girls would talk to me.
- Max, we have a cupcake business.
We have to tell the landlord we need a new oven.
- We can't ask the landlord for a new oven.
Then he'll ask us stuff like "who are you? "Why is your name not on the lease, And where's the rent?" - Well, I'll buy us one.
- Really? You're gonna buy us a whole oven? We're so poor I have a sock that I refer to as my good sock.
- I've been saving something for an emergency, Like a burst appendix or a first date bikini wax.
- I knew it! You have a secret stash of your father's missing billions.
We're rich! Wait, it's other people's money.
Yeah, but I didn't steal it.
We're rich! - They're my expensive rings.
- So if these are your expensive rings, What's all that other stuff you wear? - Cheaper copies.
You never wear the good stuff out in public.
- Got it, kind of like hiding the banana republic And wearing the gap.
- See how special? They're all one-of-a-kind from themas aristotle themas.
T-a-t.
Tat.
- What? - Tat rings.
You've never heard of tat rings? - Oh! Tat rings.
No.
- I guess it's the kind of thing That only people in the know know, you know? - No.
- Make all the jokes you want, But I only have to sell one of these And I can get us a new oven.
Any ideas what kind we should get? - Uh, yeah, you're not the only one with a secret stash.
It's the bluestar.
It's the tat rings of ovens.
In purple! That's right, I said purple.
It's the muscle car of ovens.
It's bad-ass! It's so bad-ass when I do karaoke I change the lyrics from purple rain to purple range.
- Great, we'll get this one.
- Uh, we can't buy that.
It's too expensive.
This is just something you fantasize about.
It's kitchen porn.
- Fine.
Tomorrow we'll go to the cash for gold store And get a regular oven and get cookin'.
I think the funny gas is gone.
- Must be time.
I'm going in.
Let me do it, my eyebrows need to waxed anyway.
- Hurry up! The gas is on! Throw the match in! - Did it light? - No, but my foot is on fire.
I'll do it.
[both scream.]
Both: You're good.
- I'm sorry, but how much longer do we have to wait To get cash for our gold? - I told you before I'm on the phone.
Sit down, shut up, don't be rude.
- I thought she'd be nicer from her picture On the bus stop bench.
- Yeah, and where are the dollar signs in her eyes? - Let me see, which ring should I sell? So much history in my lap.
- I don't even wanna tell you about the history in my lap.
- My father got me this one in london.
I got this one in paris to reward myself For not crying during the turbulence On the flight to paris.
- My mom got me a fresca when she hit me with her car once.
- I got this one when I was 18.
It was my very first tat.
- Okay, stop! This was a bad idea.
Let's get out of here.
- I told you before.
I'm on the phone! Sit down, shut up, don't be rude.
- I'm only sitting down because look.
She has her hand on a gun that's strapped under the counter.
She is dying to plug us.
- Max, what are you talking about? Why is this a bad idea? - I don't want you sacrificing your precious rings, frodo.
Because if the business doesn't work out, It'll be my fault you have nothing.
And call me selfish, The only life I wanna ruin is my own.
- Max, the business will go up and down.
That's natural.
But this ring is about more than the day to day of the business.
It's about us And our future together.
- Yo, did you just ask me to marry you? - You could do worse.
- Now, ladies, gold.
Now.
- Come on.
It's only one ring.
And when it comes to us, I'm in this for the long haul.
- Or until this lady shoots us.
- Hi, I'm here to - Come on! Let's go.
Don't push me I'm out of nicorette.
- Well, you're all business, aren't you? I can respect that.
I'd like to exchange a tat ring.
- I've never heard of a tat ring.
- Thomas aristotle themas? World-famous designer? - Yeah, talk down to me.
That'll make the price better.
All right, I'll weight it.
- What's that smell? Is someone making soup in the back? - None of your business.
I will give you $275.
- It's worth $2,500.
- Where? In 2005? - You're just taking advantage of people Because the world economy is crashing.
- It's called cash for gold, not sympathy for flat chicks.
- You know what? This is inappropriate.
All right, I'd like to see your business license.
Maybe I'll make a call to the chamber of commerce.
- Oh, you will, huh? - Duck! Here comes the gun! - Maybe I'll make a call to my boys in the back.
Sal! Richard! - Oh, hello.
Let's get out of here.
- Are you sure? Because I'm kinda feeling richard.
- Max, I was just in the ladies' room And I had a thought.
- Why am I doing my lipstick in a mirror that says "die carlos"" - I know how to get the full value of the ring.
We just have to take it to the store where they sell it, And return it.
- Uh, and why didn't that occur to you before? - 'Cause I don't have the receipt.
And I bought it three years ago From another store In another country.
- The customer asked for crust off of a turkey club.
- Did they say that or is this something you say That they said? - They said it.
But I say I see "screw the boss"" sleeveless tee.
- I'm sorry, someone call Ripley's.
There is a small mouse speaking.
- And I bet for sure it comes with stinky armpits.
- Why don't you see for yourself, ratatouille? - I've gotta go.
Fight's starting.
- You are stinky.
So stinky my mother in Korea called me and said, "what is that smell?" - I am surprised you're upset by man smell.
Most women like you enjoy it.
- Yo, max, I got 20 bucks on han.
He's scrappy.
- Your english is terrible.
- My english is less terrible than your terrible english.
- What? I couldn't understand a word you said.
- What? So sorry I couldn't understand a word you said.
- Excuse me, regular-sized people.
I am on break until he apologizes.
- I think the round's over.
I couldn't understand a word they said.
- He needs to apologize.
I'm the boss.
- Don't let him get to you, han.
Every woman knows size doesn't matter.
- I like your shirt.
Reminds me of the side of the van I lost my virginity in.
- That little man disrespect me.
He insult my food, my english, my "hyjane.
" - Is there anything I can do to cheer you up? - A hug would help.
- If I hug you, will you go back to work? - Yes.
- Two-second hug.
I'm going in.
- Aww.
- How did you do that? Your hands never left my back.
- I am david blaine of zippers.
- I was trying to cheer you up.
- You did.
- Wow, it's so surreal being back here.
I grew up here.
It was like camp for me.
I learned who all the best designers were, How to color coordinate, how to ride a bike.
- They let you ride a bike here? - Bitch, I owned this piece.
- If there's not an iguana in here, This place is stupid.
- Oh, my god.
They are such gorgeous tat rings.
- Thanks! - Hate you! So jealous! - Thanks! - Bye! - Seeing you in your natural habitat is truly disturbing.
- Hi! Can I help you? - Hi! I'd like to return a ring I got as a present here.
- Tat rings are so amazing.
I can't believe you want to return it.
- Well, this one's from a guy I'm no longer with, So it's painful to even look at.
- I understand.
But I couldn't take it back without a receipt.
- The thing is he used to hit her.
- Max! You did not! - Caroline, it's not your fault.
- That's awful.
I understand why you wouldn't want this ring.
I'm sure there's something I can do.
It's not our fault.
I meanYour fault.
- Caroline channing? - Jeffrey! - Surprised to see me working here? Well, I got fired from that other store Whose name I will never mention again After last year's cigarette butt incident.
- I'm so sorry.
I had no idea those menthol slim 100s were yours.
I just thought so many butts on the ground Outside the store was gross, so I said something.
- Well, that one comment from the great caroline channing About those butts fired my little butt.
You'd be happy to know that I quite smoking After you got me fired.
Couldn't afford it.
I also couldn't afford my gym membership.
Which is why my fired little butt got massive, Why no one wanted to date me, and why I spent gay pride alone.
Fortunately, I wound up working here.
- Yeah, it all worked out.
Your butt looks tight.
- It's halfway there.
- So I got the price on the ring.
- You're buying a ring? A tat ring? - Actually, I'm returning.
- Oh, can I see the receipt? As manager of the jewelry department, I couldn't possibly return a ring that you bought At least three years ago without a receipt.
You wouldn't want me to lose my job again, would you? I got this, donna.
And so sorry to hear about your father being a criminal And you being penniless and all that ugliness.
But it is kinda karma.
You are where you are now, and I'm back on top.
- Look, jeffrey, I know we just met, But there's no way you're a top.
- Now what are we gonna do? - We should hunt down that super fake jealous lady Who hates you.
Maybe she'll buy one.
- Max, that's brilliant.
If anybody's gonna buy a tat ring, They're already in the store.
We can have a pop-up sale! - A pop-up sale? - You don't know what a pop-up sale is? - You didn't know what a pilot light was.
[elevator dings.]
- It's the new trend.
Mini stores pop up and sell stuff, Then they're gone.
- That's not a new trend.
Drug dealers have been doing that for years.
- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
- What are you doing, beautiful mind? - I'm mentally scanning the layout of the store For security cameras.
I knew coming here and not going to parks as a child Would pay off.
Okay, there's only one place we could pull it off Where there are no cameras.
- Where? - Pop-up sale in the ladies' room.
That's right, ma'am! I said pop-up sale in the ladies' room.
- I don't do improv.
[elevator dings.]
So did we sell the ring yet? Those women weren't our target customers.
We're looking for a very specific type.
Too much style and money to burn.
- [speaking arabic.]
hold the elevator! [speaking arabic.]
and I love new york! Both: Pop-up sale in the ladies' room.
- I'll take you in two at a time.
Let me go check with my associate And I'll be right back for adin and lublubah.
- Such a good memory.
- Hard to forget such beautiful names.
Ready? - We have a peeper in stall two.
- Who shops and plops? I mean, really.
- Trust me, I smell the match.
Classic shop and plop cover-up.
- Where are the two Kit Kats we got from the vending machine? - I told you I was hungry.
- Arabic women expect a gift when they buy something.
- Well, stall number two Will probably supply a little present.
- Hi, are you here for the pop-up sale? - No, I just have to pee.
- Oh, geez.
Come on, don't waste my time! One stall's open in and out! Running a business! - That woman pushed ahead of us.
Do not sell her my tat ring.
- It's fun.
You're here to pick up She's here to drop off.
Open the shop.
We're a good team.
You set 'em up, I knock 'em down.
- Why is [indistinct.]
? - I don't know, it just is.
Are you here for the pop-up sale? - A pop-sale in the bathroom? So lame.
- So lame.
Caroline? - Jen, robin! - Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god! - Oh, my god.
- Excuse me.
When will pop-up sale start? We have lunch reservations for five at four seasons at 3:00.
- Why are you asking me? - You two are doing pop-up sale, no? - No.
I have nothing to do with this pop-up sale in the bathroom.
- So lame.
- So lame.
- So lame! - So lame.
- Come to lunch with us.
- Oh, I've already eaten.
- Our treat.
- We are not taking no for an answer.
- They're not taking no for an answer.
Sell the ring.
- Where is she going? I thought you two were a team.
- Apparently not.
- So sorry.
I got caught up in a hostage nicoise situation.
How'd it go? Did you get full price for the ring? - Oh, do you know me? Because I couldn't sworn you didn't know me.
My new friends adin and lablueballs Thought it was weird that you just bailed on me.
- Max, I panicked in the moment.
I didn't want those girls telling everyone That caroline channing was in a bathroom selling her jewelry.
I'm barely back on my feet after the whole scandal.
I just couldn't bare it.
- Here.
I didn't sell them because I didn't buy the whole "in it for the long haul" thing from the beginning.
And I was right because I'm always right About people in the long haul.
- Max, I'm talking to you.
- It's cool.
We don't need to talk.
- Max, about the rings, I'm sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
- You don't need to say anything.
You already said a lot of words about the future and us, And then next thing I know, you were "oh, my god!" Off to lunch with your friends.
- Max, I am in this for the long haul.
Isn't there anything I can say to convince you of that? - Nope.
And it's fine.
It's not you, it's me.
I'm the idiot who actually believed for a minute That we had a future.
But it's okay.
We'll just keep getting by like we are, for the short haul.
Cool? - Max.
Hey! - Hey.
What's that smell? - I'm making cupcakes.
- You lit the pilot light? - Didn't have to.
Look.
- No way! The bluestar in purple? What the how did it get How can how could you afford that? You sold your tat? - Sold them all.
Spent it on the oven, next-day delivery fee and installation.
- That woman gave you a better price? - No, she pulled a gun on me.
So I went to every gold store in brooklyn, Leveraged their offers against each other Until I got enough to buy the bluestar.
- You didn't have to do that.
- After what I did, there were no more words.
Only ovens.
And our future means more to me than rings from my past.
I told you, I'm in this for the long haul.
For the record, I hated lunch with those girls.
I'd rather split a kit kat in a bathroom with you any day.
- I'm sorry I wasn't listening.
I was staring at my new boyfriend over there.
I wanna make out with it! [giggling.]
Ooh.
Ow! Hot! [oven dings.]
There's not a ding! - There's a ding.
My rings bought a ding.
You wanna hug me, don't you? - Yeah.
- But you're not gonna.
- Yes, I am.
If you unzip my shirt, I'm gonna be pissed! Impressed, but pissed.