30 Rock s01e12 Episode Script

Subs By Traff and raceman Okay, Round 2.
Josh, you're up.
What do you got? Check it out.
Your mama is so stupid, she thinks an iMac is a new hamburger at McDonald's.
Okay, not bad.
Okay, okay, I got one.
I got one.
What's the difference between your mama and a washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.
Lemon, could I speak with you alone for a moment? That's what your sister asked me last night.
Booyah! Uh, right this way.
Uh, my friend Gerhard Hapsburg is throwing a birthday party for himself at the Pierre tonight.
Oh, and you want me to think of something funny that you can write in the card? No.
I want you to come with me.
Oh.
Who's Gerhard Hapsburg? Prince Gerhard is the last male descendant of the Imperial House of Hapsburg.
They ruled the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
The Defenestration of Prague? Lemon, what exactly did you study in college? - Theatre Tech.
- I see.
I'm inviting you to the social event of the season.
OhI don't know, Jack.
Would I have to wear high heel shoes? Yes.
This will be good for you.
You finally got Dennis out of your life.
You're even wearing lipstick.
No.
They're just really chapped.
I'll have the wardrobe department pull a dress for you.
I just thought maybe you'd like to spend some time with a, um different class of people.
Okay, fine.
I'll do it.
But I'm not gonna like it.
That's what your mom said to me last night.
Booyah.
You got slammed, girl.
That was surprising.
Yes, dear.
Oh, boy, who's crying? Is that Caleb? What's up, Pete? Okay, I'll try.
Yeah.
Elmo wants you to aim your pee-pee at the potty! Ha ha! No, not at Mommy.
At the potty.
How is that Elmo's fault? Did Mommy have some wine before she called Elmo? Click.
Enhhhh! Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete.
- Where's your spinal cord, son? - What? No, it's just my wife is visiting her folks and she's a little stressed out.
Yeah, seem like you got yourself a Delilah.
A what? Pete, you got two type of women in this world: one who gives you strength and one who takes strength from you like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie? My wife gives me strength, make me feel like a man.
That's why she's so special.
I actually haven't met your wife yet.
Hi.
That ain't my wife.
Go get me a fizzy water.
It's like this, Pete.
I love my wife.
I love her.
We're a team.
That's why eight times a week I go to the strip club.
It gives me energy, which I bring back to her.
And your wife doesn't get jealous? Nah.
She likes it.
Makes me feel strong, like a Samson.
Here.
- Samson! - What? Great shoving, Mr.
Jordan.
Wow, what's that for? Well, I'm going to a birthday party for some prince tonight.
You mean like a dog birthday party? Oh, that's better.
No.
He's a real European prince: Gerhard Hapsburg.
What? You have to take me with you.
Oh, Liz, it's always been my dream to meet and marry a prince, like a modern day Cinderella story.
Hey, maybe I'm Cinderella this time.
No, Liz, Cinderella is blonde.
You can be Snow White and party with the little people.
Oh, take me.
I can't take you.
I'm only getting in because Donaghy's taking me.
Wait.
You're gonna be Jack Donaghy's date? No.
It's not a date.
Wow.
Lemon.
I, uh, got you a little something.
Oh, my--Ow! That really hurt my hand.
Dag! Who does that?! I'm sorry.
Our car will be downstairs at 7:00.
Could you make sure that she, uh, gets this? Oh, yes.
Sorry.
This is definitely a date.
No.
Is it? I didn't know I was coming to this tonight.
Don't apologize.
You look great.
May I? Uh, I got it.
Thanks.
Careful.
Careful.
Thank you so much.
Let's see, um to us.
Is this a date? What? [chuckles.]
Lemon I date socialites and models and actresses-- Liz Hurley in the '90s.
Fine.
My mistake.
I think 's so funny that you thought that.
Hi, Jack.
Maybe I'll see you later.
I hope so.
Her.
Her.
Her.
The two of them.
This guy coming up on my left-- his daughter this summer.
Wes, good to see you.
Pete Hornberger, tonight is the night we celebrate our bodies and our minds.
Hit it! Oh, hello.
Hi.
How did you get in here? Oh, Liz, if you dress well and enter with confidence, you can get in anywhere.
You showed the security guy your boobs, didn't you? Just one.
It's not the White House.
Um, Chocatini, please? You were dead wrong about this being a date, by the way.
I just made a complete ass out of myself in front of Jack.
Oh, I'm sorry.
When I'm the Queen of Australia, I'll have him executed.
Austria.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Ladies und gentlemen, may I present His Royal Highness, zeh Duke of Thuringia, Earl of the Duchy of Westphalia, Prince Gerhard Messerschmidt Ramstein Von Hap.
Thank you.
Thank you, all dear friends for coming to my birthday! Wow, who's Snow White now? - That Gerhard is amazing, isn't he? - Ah-hum.
Most people in his situation would be angry with their family for the centuries of inbreeding, but not Gerhar.
He's too busy trying to stave off infection.
Oh, my God.
What is she doing here? Who? My ex-wife.
Oh, I forgot, you were married.
Wow, she's gorgeous.
And surprisingly age-appropriate.
Damn it.
I was told she was in Paris.
The party of the year, that woman turns up, and I'm all alone.
Thanks.
Johnny.
Bianca.
Ah, it's been a while.
You look good.
Thank you.
Do you remember my fiancé Vincent Foley? Yes, of course.
This is my live-in girlfriend Lemon.
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth.
Hello, Elizabeth.
Lemon.
Nice to meet you.
And how did you two meet? It was part of the Big Brother/ Little Sister Program.
Congratulations, John.
She's much sharper than the last girl you had.
What was her name? Beyoncé.
And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.
Oh, hang on to this one, John.
She's a keeper.
Mmm, yeah.
I'm a keeper.
So now it's a date? I thought I could never be your date, Jack.
I thought no one would ever believe it because I'm so grotesque.
Thank you for not embarrassing me.
Excuse me, Miss, but His Highness has noticed you.
Who, Gerhard? Really? His Highness is quite taken und invites you to dine next to him.
Oh, wow.
That's flattering.
Are you sure that me meant me? His Highness is attempting to wink at you.
Oh.
Heh.
There you are.
I need your help.
I've been asked to dine with His Majesty.
Oh, well, if you're looking to sneak out the window, it doesn't open.
I already tried it.
Should I say I'm still a virgin? Wait.
You're actually considering this? Of course I'm considering it.
You know I've always reminded myself of Grace Kelly.
I'm not gonna be gorgeous forever.
Who knows how long this show will last, and I have no other skills whatsoever.
I need to find someone who can take care of me.
Yeah.
I don't think Gerhard can take care of you.
And I can get past someone's looks.
Since when? I'm an actress, Liz.
It would be my greatest role of all time.
You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you? Oh, you're right, Liz, I should go for it.
You're not even listening, are you? Poop.
Monkey Butt.
No.
You're a good friend.
And thank you.
You enjoying yourself, Pete? Actually-- Actually, Tracy, I'm trying to get some work done here.
Hey, Supersize, take care of that dude.
That there's my friend.
Saved my life when we was in Desert Storm.
Our tank broke down.
He killed 14 Germans so we could get the hell outta there.
No.
No, actually, I'm just a producer on Tracy's show.
You're a producer? Yeah.
I'm an actress.
Oh, yeah? Have you ever seen the movie Secret Touchings? I was a scientist in that.
No, I'm not familiar with that.
Your name sounds Jewish.
You must be important.
No.
Well, I just, you know, I run the show.
Mr.
Hornberger.
This is shocking.
Mind your business, son! He's embracing his power.
Rawwrr.
Rawwrr.
Rawwrr.
Hey, are you gonna come sit down? Because they put out lobster tails, and I want to eat yours.
Isn't she beautiful? Yeah.
What happened there? I just couldn't keep up with her.
On any level.
Socially, it was a different party, a different charity event every night.
I had to keep my tuxedo in my glove compartment.
Sexually-- she wanted it four or five times a day.
And always standing up.
Standing up, what? How does that even work? You're kidding, right? Yeah.
She left me, Lemon, 'cause I was never enough for her.
So now I keep it simple: nothing but endless, meaningless one-night stands with a carousel of super hot women I couldn't care less about.
That's heartbreaking.
And her? She just keeps getting better.
She's lost weight.
She cut her hair.
Look at her over there, taunting me.
Seeing her so happy and normal makes me crazy.
You've got to move on, maybe.
Is she coming over here? She's coming over here.
If she comes over here, I'm gonna do something.
Okay, come on.
Let's go.
Let's go dance.
- Oh, no, no, no.
No.
- Yeah, come on.
It's a fast song.
Okay, easy there, Jackie Chan.
- Are they in? They're not out? - Yeah, be careful.
Oh.
Hee hee.
That tickles.
Oh, my dear Jenna you are exquisite! Uh, Gerhard would you like to dance? Sadly, because my body does not produce joint fluid, I cannot.
But I would enjoy watching you dance for me.
Oh all right.
Jazz! Tap! Jitterbug! Charleston! Ooh.
Interpretive! Twirl! Twirl again! Keep twirling! Everyone thinks I'm 5'5", but I'm only 5'4".
Wow! That is an amazing story.
Yeah.
What are you doing? You are a married man.
I'm not doing anything wrong.
Just--I'm just dancing, Kenneth.
Do you remember the movie, Footloose, where those evil kids won in the end? You're going to make a mistake tonight.
You gonna make a mistake tonight! Remember the vows you and your wife took in that church.
Botanical garden.
Botanical garden.
You promised fidelity-- Lick her face.
Think of God.
Look, both of you calm down.
I'm just trying to have some fun for the first time in, like, ten years.
Ladies und gentlemen, if you will please direct your attention to zeh center of zeh room, it is now time for zeh cake.
(attendees) Aw.
You're 25? Yes.
Can you believe it? Finally old enough to rent a car.
Ahck! Ahck! Oh, it feels good to laugh.
Oh, boy! * Happy birthd-- * Zum geburstag viel gluck * * Zum geburstag viel gluck * * Zum getburstag viel * * Gerhard * Gerhard * Zum geburstag viel gluck * Go on.
Pbbbbbt! Pbbbbbt! Sie sprechen Deutsch? Yes.
Yay.
Is that Jenna mit Gerhard? Bianca.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Vicky.
No.
This is the men's room.
I know.
I just wanted to talk to you.
Oh, no, no.
You don't need to do that.
We should get back to the party, right? I mean, shouldn't we? - Mr.
Hornberger.
- I mean, right? - The party? - Mr.
Hornberger! Never done it in a men's bathroom before.
Well, in this building.
Wow.
You're Smooth.
Mr.
Hornberger! Kenneth? You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
Don't do it.
Oh, I suppose you're gonna tell me I should do it.
No.
I'm just lookin' for the lobby.
But, yes, you should do it.
(Ken) No, you shouldn't.
Please think of your children.
Be a Samson! You're a better man than this.
She's so smooth.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I love my wife.
My wife is not a Delilah, Tracy.
Hey, that's beautiful.
I feel you, Hornberger.
Who's that tickling my feet? I'm gonna kick you in your face, I know that.
Just water, please.
Are you going to marry him? Oh, hi.
What? Are you going to marry Jack? UhI don't know.
We've talked about it.
I can tell from the way he looks at you that he's serious.
That's going to get you pregnant right away, I'm sure.
A little late-in-life baby he can parade around Nantucket.
The whole thing makes me want to vomit.
Oh, no.
You know what-- I can take the models-- the Rockettes to Shakira-- because ultimately I know they are going to leave him, but you? You can actually make him happy.
And that makes me want to sit on a knife! Wow.
I hate seeing Johnny happy! Uh Oh, boy.
Oh, Jenna, this is almost like something out of a fairy tale.
[chuckles.]
Yes.
Almost.
Great news.
Great news.
Bianca is neither normal nor happy.
You don't have to do this, Lemon.
I'm telling you, she's not over you.
And get this: she was all jealous of me.
She busted out crying over it.
That's impossible.
Ohfine.
You don't believe me? I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna tell her that you just proposed to me, and you watch her.
Watch how red her face gets, okay? Bianca, I have to tell you, Jack and I are engaged.
Ah! Aah! Let go.
Aah! You! What do you know? Jenna I know we have just met, but I think I love you.
Do you love me? [muffled.]
Mm-hmm.
Oh! Knowing I have the love of a beautiful woman has set me free.
I think you just lost an eyebrow.
To freedom.
To us.
Thank you, dear Jenna.
And good-bye.
Good-bye? W-why good-bye? Who let him drink champagne? He cannot metabolize zeh grapes.
Someone call Dr.
Spuchemen! Uh-oh.
I think she pulled out a chunk of my hair.
Really? Where? Oh, yeah.
We gotta boogie, gang.
Meine damen und herren, zeh Hapsburg line has ended.
You can pick up your gift bags at zeh coat check.
Hey, Pete, really inspiring what you did back there.
You're strong now.
When your wife get home, you gonna mess it up? Actually, I think I might.
Let's go.
You goin' down, Pete? Uh I'll take the stairs.
Hold the door, please.
Mmm! You look like a baby.
Well, thanks for a fun evening.
Sorry your friend died.
When Gerhard was born, the doctor told his mother and cousin he would either live for 15 minutes or for 100 years.
Boy, he proved them all wrong.
No, please, come in.
The look on Bianca's face just before she choked you.
- That was the most satisfying thing.
- It was pretty good.
Oh, just to know that she's filled with bile over me warms my heart.
Attaboy.
That's the Jack Donaghy I know.
What are these, your bike shorts? All right, knock it off.
Lemon, I want to thank you for showing me that I can have a pleasant evening with a woman my own age.
I'm 12 years younger than you.
A woman your age, then.
Jack, wait.
Oh, my God.
I thought you were-- Oh, good lord, Lemon, let it go.
That's never going to happen.
I've been with beauty queens-- Yes, I get it.
Pilates instructors, acrobats.
- Get outta here so I can take my shoes off.
- Come on.
I had "lunch" with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter Alexis.
Gross.