Accidentally on Purpose s01e12 Episode Script

How was work? Long.
What are you doing? Putting Odor-Eaters in my shoes.
- Watch out for that table lamp.
- Okay.
Whoa! Now it's a floor lamp.
That was so good that at one point I actually thought you were mad at me.
One very, very good point.
Yeah, that's when I lost my filling.
My knees have never done that.
So, sorry but thank you.
You're welcome.
So, let's talk about your marriage proposal.
It's been on my to-do list for a few days now.
Oh, did I ask you to marry me? Well, I love you.
And you love me, too; otherwise you wouldn't have asked, right? Right.
But the thing is, we've never actually been a couple, and usually you're a couple before you get married.
So, I'm just wondering how we'd do with that.
We'd do great.
I mean, just ask that lamp we broke.
Or our neighbors.
But, I mean, besides our sex life.
Yeah, okay.
I mean, I guess you're right.
I mean, the truth is, the longest relationship I've ever had was I didn't tell that girl we broke up.
I'm just wondering how we'd be around our friends, you know.
What side of the bed we'd sleep on.
Whose voice will be on the answering machine.
Whatever you want to do is fine.
See, I know how to be a good boyfriend.
That's not what being together is about.
We're supposed to argue and then give in and then resent each other.
Well, didn't you say something about which friends we're going to hang out with? Let's do that first.
I think that involves drinking.
I want a beer.
I'm down with that.
Mmm! Your filling! This is exciting our first real double date.
What have you two been doing since you officially hooked up? Oh, you guys are dirty, I just know it.
Well, why don't Zack and I get us another round of drinks? You two look like you need some girl talk.
Oh, my God, from the look on your face, I would say you two are really enjoying yourselves.
I knocked out his filling.
I knocked off Nick's adult braces.
Us Chase sisters will rough you up.
I know.
And it's so exciting we get to do all this fun, couple stuff together.
And look at them they're really bonding.
Oh, no, I'd never go surfing.
The ocean is crawling with bacteria.
It's the final resting place of all human waste.
Yeah, I go surfing almost every morning, I haven't gotten sick once.
Oh, you will, Zack.
And it's likely to be an antibiotic-resistant bacteria.
And then that'll be all she wrote.
This is great.
'Cause frankly, I was worried about how all this was gonna go.
What are you worried about? You two are adorable.
Oh, before I forget, how much weight have you gained? It's for a game for your baby shower, "Guess How Much Weight Billie Gained.
" I was thinking Okay, first, can we not play that game? And second, can we make it a co-ed shower? 'Cause I want Zack to be there.
What's the point of having if I can't parade around my hot boy-toy? Okay, I like that.
A co-ed shower.
It's hip.
It's young.
It's modern.
All things which make me anxious.
There's just one thing that I would like in return.
Even though you guys have decided to wait until it's born, which I respect, I have to know the sex of the baby.
And I would like for you to make it be a girl.
So, what are you into, Nick? Well, I'm an engineer, so, as a hobby, I'm constructing a miniature amusement park made out of matchsticks and wire and then subjecting it to mock earthquakes to test for structural integrity.
What can I say? I'm an adrenaline junkie.
Davis! Uh, over here, yeah.
Hello, one and all.
This is Kaylee.
Kaylee, this is everyone.
Hey, guys.
We were here before, and I left my credit card.
So, be right back.
Okay.
That's right, people: My new girlfriend has a credit card.
Girlfriend? Credit card? When did this happen? While you two were shacked up grossing out your baby.
Yeah, I stumbled upon a new method to pick up chicks.
Yes? Do I owe you money or something? No, it's just, you look exactly like my favorite musician of all time.
Dave Grohl.
From Foo Fighters.
Oh, my God, I would do anything to meet him.
Anything? Yeah, anything.
Anything? I think so.
Well, this just happens to be your lucky day, because I am Dave Grohl's younger brother Davis Grohl.
You dog.
That is awesome.
If your new method is lying to chicks in bars, I hate to tell you, but every man in history has beat you to it.
# I can't be anything without you.
# So, that was a successful first night out, huh? Seemed like you and Nick were really getting along.
Did it? Because any cool, fun activity I mentioned, he told me 60 ways it could give me ball cancer.
Well, that proves he doesn't want anything bad to happen to you.
Or your balls.
I can't take him, okay? It's like, it's like talking to a warning label.
Okay, he-he wants to get a dog that can sniff out tumors.
Well, he's my brother-in-law, and he's part of my family.
And the sooner you get to know him, the better.
Okay, I'll keep trying with the guy.
Thank you.
And he really is a great guy.
Did he tell you how he thinks swine flu is mostly spread through the take-a-penny, leave-a-penny trays? You know, I was the one who came up with the name for the Foo Fighters.
Yeah, we were all hanging out, jamming, smoking weed, and drinking beers.
Wow! But weren't you, like, seven? Baby, I grew up around all that.
Hey there, Davis.
Oh, hi.
I just stopped off to get that list of Zack's friends to invite to the baby shower.
Oh, yeah, listen, my brother, Dave Grohl, may not be able to make it.
What are you? Oh.
Well, tell Dave Grohl I need my salad spinner back.
I am so bummed.
I know.
Well, all right.
I'm gonna stop by my place and get a fresh pair of underwear before work.
You must work at a fancy place.
Bye! Oh, here's a list of all the food we need.
How much of a discount can you get? Well, if the right manager is working, 100%.
Hey, thanks for not blowing my Dave Grohl act with Kaylee.
Oh, please.
I love deception.
Like how I pretend I'm foreign when a tourist asks me for directions.
Pah pah, pagow! Pah pah, pagow! Master.
Hey, how was the surf? Was it gnarly? Flaky? Spicoli? I don't know what I'm talking about.
It was transformative.
You know, I've spent my whole life afraid of the ocean.
But I actually got up on my board for ten seconds before I ate it.
Next time, we're gonna try it in the water.
And I loved riding in your van.
You know, I felt like a trucker, you know.
Out on the open road, all hopped up on pills.
Maybe next time I could take the wheel? Yeah, it's a stick shift, though, so Oh, cool.
Then you can take me to the mall parking lot and teach me.
That was brutal.
He refused to even pee in the ocean.
Or or at a gas station.
Or at a supermarket.
I had to take him to a hospital.
Which hospital? He's very picky about that.
Yes, I know.
It had to be one on his plan.
To use the bathroom? Well, he figured while he was there, he would get a throat culture.
Look, if I have to go surfing with Nick again, there's a slight chance I might drown him.
In sand, if necessary.
Keep trying.
Please? I'll do that thing you love.
The dishes? Yeah, and then we'll have sex.
Ooh, feels so much better to get that salt water off my face.
I thought he didn't go in the water.
It's from the crying.
Well, yesterday was a hit.
Our guys mixing it up.
Surfing, some male bonding, a trip to the hospital.
Oh, Nick felt like he'd found a friend for life.
For life? Really? Wasn't Zack jazzed as well? Tell me everything he said.
Well, you know, it's a process.
I mean, it's hard for an experienced surfer to go with someone who won't go near the water and still insists on wearing floaties.
Well, what did he say? Tell me exactly what he said.
Nothing.
There's nothing to worry about.
If a relationship starts at ten, it has nowhere to go to, right? Well, where did Zack think it started? Three? Three?! Abby, you know how Nick can be.
You mean loving and a good lover? Did you explain that to Zack? No, how in the world would that have come up? So, you didn't defend him at all.
Well, he is a quirky fellow, Abby.
Oh, you mean like Zack-doesn't- have-a-checking-account quirky? No, like he-has-to-use-gloves- to-pick-out-melons at-the-supermarket quirky.
Those melons are from South America! You know what? If Zack doesn't like my husband, then I don't like Zack.
And I don't like throwing baby showers for people that I don't like.
So, if I were you, I would dip into my 401 And buy my own damn stroller! But, Abby, I wasn't Pah pah, pagow! Thank you so much for this sandwich and the blue cheese-stuffed olives.
I'm so pissed off at my sister right now, even the baby's making a fist.
What did Abby do? She blamed you for not getting along with Nick.
And how did she know I didn't get along with Nick? She was very perceptive in understanding the words that came out of my mouth.
Well, now I feel like crap.
We're trying to see how we do as a couple in the world, and I screwed things up.
It's not you.
You're adorable.
Everybody has trouble with Nick.
Except doctors and pharmacists those are his peeps.
James, when we were going out, you had a hard time getting along with Nick, right? Yeah, at first, but I worked out a system.
Hey, buddy.
What exciting high jinks have you been up to, huh? Well, I was hanging out with this friend of mine who just got back from the Congo.
Didn't get any of his shots and now his eyes are bleeding a little.
Anyway, I was with him all day yesterday.
Well, that proves it.
Nick is universally annoying.
Yeah, it's a close call between Nick, paper cuts, and elevator music.
And there's lots of other people to hang out with.
Tons.
Like Davis and Kaylee.
Well, Billie, I don't believe - you've ever had dinner at Chez Davis - where you sit on le floor and eat off le paper plates.
Ah, the timer.
That means the bread is gently warmed.
Assuming I didn't forget to put it in the oven.
Let's get to the bottom of this.
You're gigantic.
Do you ever wear a tube top around just for fun? Kaylee, what do you do for a living? Well, once I meet Dave Grohl, I'm going to design T- shirts for him because I'm going to learn how to do that.
And Iots of people are going to see them and buy them, and I'm going to make a million dollars.
You really went all out for this dinner party.
And it seems like those two are getting along, which is good, 'cause Billie's all into how we blah-blah-blah as a couple.
I know, man.
Kaylee's the best.
I mean, I can really see myself being with her for as long as I can keep making her believe I'm Dave Grohl's brother.
Kaylee, I just need to ask you something, because Davis is my friend, and I think he really likes you.
Do you like anything else about him? Besides the whole Dave Grohl thing? He's a really nice guy.
And he's got dark hair and a beard, and he plays guitar and millions of women love him.
No, that's Dave Grohl.
Oh.
Then, not really.
Um did this fact ever occur to you: That Davis's name is Davis and Dave Grohl's name is David? This is so great, hearing all these Grohl family stories.
Does that sound real to you? Does that sound like something that would happen to a real person? So, what are you two talking about? She's saying that you're not really Dave Grohl's brother.
What did you do? Well, you blew that evening.
What do you want from me? I'm a pregnant woman, sitting on the floor eating burnt toast, helping your friend scam a future stalker of Dave Grohl.
Well, we're kind of running out of couples.
I know.
It should've been like shooting fish in a barrel.
We struck out with people predisposed to like us.
- Yeah.
- And the worst part is, sitting on that cushion aggravated my sciatica.
I don't think I can have sex tonight.
That's okay.
I was gonna ask you for a night off anyway 'cause my tooth is killing me.
So, Saturday, I thought we could go to the zoo.
And then, that afternoon, have tea with your mother, and then that night stay in the house and figure out what to do with all these damn napkins I ordered for the baby shower! Honey, why don't you just go to her? That would be admitting that you're weird.
Come on, Abby.
How would you describe all my crazy obsessive stuff? You know, don't you find it peculiar that I smell my ChapStick before I put it on? That I count my teeth every night? That I get all panicky when it snows? Or when it rains.
Or when it's really sunny.
No, I find all those things adorable.
And I think it's great that you defended me, but, now, let's be honest: I'm-I'm an acquired taste.
Like herring or the music of David Hasselhoff.
Zack will come around.
Are you just saying this because I can't get a refund on these napkins? Partially.
But mostly I'm saying this because I love you, and Billie's your sister and Zack is the father of my nephew.
Or niece.
You mean niece.
Niece, niece.
I love you.
Thank God.
Abby, what are you doing here? Oh, my God, who cares? I'm so sorry.
Me, too.
You're on my foot.
- And you're pregnant.
- Oh! I'm sorry.
Look, I'm anxious about me and Zack and what it all means, and I took that out on you and Nick.
Well, it wasn't all you.
Nick is weird.
No, don't say that.
I love Nick.
Thank you, but that doesn't change the fact that Nick is weird.
And it turns me on.
Can I ask your honest opinion? Do you think what Zack and I are trying to do is ever I mean, how do Ashton and Demi do it? How do they find people to hang out with? Well, it helps that they're both beautiful millionaires.
But they never really know who their true friends are.
Although, if Demi called me right now, I would dump you in a second.
You think Zack and I can make this work? I have believed in you and Zack from the start.
And even then, I knew it would be difficult.
But I still think it's meant to be, and nothing can talk me out of that.
Thank you for coming over and saying that.
Why are we in the hallway? Oh, oh, yeah.
I know I told you I canceled your shower, but Surprise! Oh, thanks for the gift.
Next time you want to be a relative of a fake celebrity in order to get into a girl's pants, I'll be prepared ahead of time.
I don't know.
These opportunities don't come up very often.
I don't look like that many guys.
That's not true.
You could be related to Joaquin Phoenix at this point.
I'd even buy you as a younger, skinnier, hairier Baldwin.
Okay, here's your gift.
Oh! Our baby's first Foo Fighters boxed set! With your face Photoshopped on the cover.
Thank you.
Hey, isn't this great? Look at all these people.
You got my friends and your friends.
I know.
I think maybe we worried for nothing.
Yeah, I even bonded with Nick.
Told him about how James had been screwing with him.
Really? I had no idea riding my motorcycle would make my prostate swell to the size of a peach.
And that's just your prostate.
Don't get me started on your testicles.
Why? What could happen to my testicles? Boom.
And to show our appreciation of this beautiful baby shower, I have a special present for you.
Oh, my God.
Is this the top-secret sex-of-the-baby envelope? Yes.
You can take a peek, but you have to do it in the bedroom, because I think your face will give away the sex of the baby, and I don't even want there to be a chance that we'll figure it out.
Yay! No! No! We're having a boy! All right! I feel like a real trucker.
So, that freeway overpass I designed it.
Pretty impressive.
Some great graffiti.
Yeah, I know.
I go up twice a week and try to wash it off, but they're very persistent.
And once, I got shot at.
That was exciting.
Did you get to go to the hospital? Yes, I did.
And there was no co-pay because it was an emergency room visit.
Up high!