Animal Control (2023) s01e12 Episode Script

1
[YELLING AND CHANTING]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thanks. Sorry.
Good luck.
You couldn't find a bigger rat?
Ah!
Exciting day. What's happening?
I was doing crowd control
when that huge balloon
rat spooked my horse.
Well, I'm a bit of a horse
whisperer, so I'll talk to her.
She better hurry up.
Breakfast ends at 10:00.
It's a joke.
- Ah!
- Hi, Officer.
Wow. Okay.
Even for someone your size,
that is a lot of granola.
Alright. Good job.
- Alright, you stopped.
- That's impressive.
Yeah. I grew up with horses.
No, man. They got a crepe
station and a waffle bar!
Why don't you come on
over here. Here you go.
- I'll get you back to the truck.
- [SNORTS]
No?
Well, she's either still
afraid of that huge rat
or very anti-union.
You want me to go outside
and deflate the rat?
Shred, as much as I'd like
to see you get your ass kicked
by a bunch of economically
strapped culinary workers
[YELLING AND CHANTING]
I think we need to find
another way out of here.
Officer Shaw and Officer
Wilbur exiting the building.
Shred, if you're outside, take pictures.
I look awesome.
[THEME SONG]
♪
♪
I think I'm gonna break up with Camila.
What are you talking about?
I just keep thinking about Emily
and it's not fair to Camila,
so we have to break up.
Next vacation day I get,
I'm flying to Europe and
I'm gonna do it in person.
It's the honorable thing.
Honorable, rash, insanely
expensive and, uh,
I'm not sure you have the time.
Why wouldn't I have enough time?
Emily asked about you.
Oh, my god! What did she say?
- She said she was interested.
- What?! And then what did you say?!
- I told her you were with Camila.
- And then what did she say?!
- Seriously, let go of my arm.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
- I said you were totally into Camila
and that she should
go on a date with Rick
because he asked her
to dinner in Canada.
What?! Rick?! Canada?!
She was just asking if she
should even go out with him.
Well, thanks to you,
now the clock's ticking
and I have to tell Emily how I feel.
Well, just tell her!
Frank! I can't make a move on Emily
before I've broken up with Camila!
It wouldn't be honorable.
What is this, feudal Japan?
Just call her and then talk to Emily.
I have to look Camila in
the eyes when I do it, Frank.
You sound like a serial killer.
Just call her!
- Shred, come here.
- Hey.
Hey, do you want to see
something extremely cute?
- Always.
- Okay. This little girl sent me a letter
asking for a unicorn license.
This is like exactly what I
would have done when I was little.
That's adorable.
I know. She wants to
keep it in her backyard.
You should write her back
on official stationary.
That is an amazing idea.
Yeah. And maybe like put
glitter inside the envelope.
[GASPS] Yes! Wait, were
you also once a little girl
with a unicorn obsession?
[LAUGHS]
You were.
I have to make a quick FaceTime call.
Okay.
Oh, good lord.
Did you wipe the bike down after?
- I always do, come on.
- Cause there's often a puddle.
Buddy, you're not gonna be
able to bring me down today.
I'm riding so high.
I got a full night's sleep
for the first time in 11 years.
Don't let your endorphins
cloud how not okay that outfit is.
Yeah, it's a micro-aggression.
All three kids slept through the night.
I mean, I don't wanna jinx
this thing, but maybe I will.
I'm whipping this
bitch called parenthood
and there's no looking back.
Next!
Maybe next you should
have a quick rinse.
Yeah? Or maybe I should do this.
- Oh!
- Now you're gonna have to wipe that down
and the plant.
Hey, everyone, I have some um,
some sad news. C-38 died.
Oh my god, really?
[EMILY] Yeah.
The cougar? What happened?
From the stills form the trail camera
it seems like natural causes,
but they've asked if we
can come pick up the body.
I'll get him.
I'll come with you.
Alright. Good luck guys.
I'll just be here crushing it.
You should shower, please.
It's what C-38 would have wanted.
[FACETIME CHIMES]
[EXHALES]
Shred! What's up, bro?
Cole? What are you doing
with Camila's phone?
Ah, dude, she left it in the lodge.
She's up on the mountain. Why,
what's up? Where are you right now?
Seattle. Hey, can you
have her call me back?
It's kind of important, man.
Totally, dude.
- Cool.
- Yo, what's Seattle like?
I'm sorry, Cole, I actually
gotta, I gotta jump, man.
Yeah, Austria is weird man.
The snow is like total concrete.
Alright, just have her,
just have her call me.
- Okay.
- Okay.
There he is.
- What are you doing?
- I'm covering the camera.
I want you to be able
to mourn in private.
- I'm fine.
- Come on, Frank.
You guys had a really
special connection.
You literally risked your
job to save that animal.
I have tissues, I think.
I'm good. You can just
help me get him in the truck.
You know what? I'm gonna I'm
gonna give you a moment alone with him.
I'll be right here.
- Victoria
- Are you crying?
- No. Will you help?
- I'm sorry.
- Help me.
- I thought you were crying.
Right, and I'm the one
with the emotional issues.
Okay, I'll just do this by myself.
[RICK] Oh, that's perfect!
Maybe add a rainbow.
Okay, what is it with you and rainbows?
That's four now. It's crazy.
Hey! Party's in here I guess.
Oh, Shred. Rick had the best idea.
Oh, it's not really anything.
It's just an add-on to
your awesome letter idea.
Yeah, well there's no I in unicorn.
Except for the one.
We're making an actual
unicorn license for Sophie
and then I'm gonna take it to
her house and present it to her.
That's amazing. I love that.
Rick, what are you
doing here in the office?
I just stopped by to say hi.
Drop off some coffees.
That is your jam. I love it.
Hey, I'm gonna go on a
bagel run for the office.
- Anyone want anything?
- Wait, you're doing a bagel run?
- Yeah. Are you okay?
- Is this about C-38?
Do you guys want bagels or not?
- I will take a blueberry.
- No.
- Plain.
- I'll just do like a
[IN UNISON] Poppyseed.
- No!
- Are you kidding me?
- No one likes poppyseed!
- Did you hear that?
Hey, Frank,
you're getting all these
bagels for the whole office
and probably some orange
juice, I'm guessing.
Do you think you need
somebody to help you carry all that?
- Good call.
- Yeah.
Does does Rick seem logical?
Just cause everyone else here
is providing a professional service.
Uh, nope. I need Rick on sparkle duty.
Oh, that's coming from
the top, my friend.
Can't do anything about that.
Alright, Shred. Let's go.
- Okay, let's get serious here.
- Okay. All right. All right,
let's get serious with another rainbow!
You took me out of the
picture with a bagel run?
Why don't you just get
them a hotel room together?
You know what, I'm out.
I'm out of the triangle.
You can't get out of the triangle.
You made the triangle.
Oh, just call Camila!
I tried. This guy named
Cole answered the phone.
He took my message but he's
had a bunch of concussions.
Shocker. Why don't you call her back?
Calling her back.
[FACETIME CHIMES]
[EXHALES]
Shred! What's up, dude?
Hey, Cole, you still
have Camila's phone.
[COLE] I forgot to give it back
to her, dude. That is my bad.
[SHRED] I really need
to talk to her, bud,
so if you could give it back
to her, I'd appreciate it.
I am on a weird Austrian
bus all by myself right now,
but I will give it back to her.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah, dude. No worries.
I'll talk to you soon, bro.
Cole seems solid.
Hi, I'm Emily from Animal Control.
Hi, did you get my letter?
I did and I have something
very special to give you.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Are you kidding?
It's the best part of my job.
That's my cat, Olive.
- That's my cat, Monkey.
- [MEOWS]
And that's my cat French
Fry, the white one.
- He's asthmatic.
- Oh, French Fry.
Okay, Sophie, this certificate
is giving you permission
to keep exactly one
unicorn in your backyard
as long as you follow
all of the official animal
control unicorn keeping rules.
Thank you.
I'd also like to present you
with the official Animal
Control regulation binder
which is filled with all of the rules
that we follow every single day
to take care of the city's animals.
All the rules?
And the subsections too.
Oh, thank you, Sophie.
- [MEOWS]
- [DONNA] Oh, look.
Elmer is here for the
great news as well.
Oh, you guys have a fourth cat.
Mm-hmm.
Can I just take a quick
peek at that binder?
Check something about four cats
Hey! How'd it go with the unicorn girl?
Um, well I gave her the license
and then I robbed her of her innocence
by taking away her cat.
Why would you do that?
Well, you know, section 12,
subsection 17a, article V.
"Private residences may have up to,
but not in excess of three cats."
And Sophie had four.
Sophie had a choice
of what cat had to go.
- So Sophie's choice.
- [SHRED LAUGHS]
- Great movie.
- Yeah, I like it.
- [MEOWS]
- Thanks.
Hey, are you okay?
I'm sorry Rick's idea went so horribly.
- Empanadas, everyone.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm still full from bagels
but I could have an empanada.
Everybody dig in. They're on me.
- Wait, did you say, "they're on me?"
- Yeah.
I'm just gonna say it,
I'm really worried about you.
Hey, can we not judge his
grieving process? Thank you.
- Is this spinach, you think?
- Espinaca.
You've just had like no
reaction to C-38's death
and I want you to know
that it's okay to let it out.
I saw him in person
once and I feel attached.
You remember when we saw him together?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I apologize for not breaking down more.
And doing two separate food runs.
Still no thank yous, by the way.
[ALL] Thank you!
Too late.
I just feel like you
need something to help you
- process your grief.
- No, I don't.
That cougar was arguably
your best friend.
It wasn't a person.
It was a wild animal.
And animals literally die every second.
It's nature. So, for
the last time, I'm fine.
Oh, I've got an idea.
I hate to say this, but
I'm gonna call Templeton.
[BAGPIPES HUMMING]
♪
♪
Thank you, Templeton
and thank you Victoria for
bringing us all together
to celebrate the life of
our beloved cougar, C-38.
We will all feel his
absence for a long time
as we struggle to imagine
a Seattle without him.
[DRUMMING SOUNDS]
Sorry, are there drums?
Guys!
Hey! Keep it down.
It's the wrong soundtrack for a funeral.
Diminishes the haunting
beauty of my Kilberry.
Okay, where was I? Um
- She's so clumsy.
- [EMILY] Oh, no
Like a newborn foal.
You know what? I can do it without
C-38 lived a long life for a cat,
'cause 12 years for a human would be,
like, really tragic.
Ah, but you know, pivoting from that
he was special to us all.
Would anyone else like
to say a few words?
- Frank?
- I'm good.
Okay. Well, then Jack,
would you do us the honors?
Color Party, attention.
[GRUNTS]
Shoulder arms.
[GRUNTS]
Squad, regimental salute. Present arms.
[GRUNTS]
[PATEL] Oh, they're using the net guns.
- Wow.
- Squad, shoulder arms.
[GRUNTS]
[DRUMMING]
Are you kidding me?
[VICTORIA] Hey, Frank, um
Frank, you don't have to
Oh, boy.
Hey!
Do you not see that there's
a funeral 30 feet from here?
Could this completely out
of sync noise pollution
have waited until we were gone?
Uh uh
[DRUMMING CONTINUES]
- Hey, man!
- [CRASHING]
How many bongo trophies
do you guys have?
There's one!
- Frank!
- Now it sounds better, I guarantee it.
[FRANK] There you go!
That stupid
That may not be
entirely about the drums.
[EMILY] This is turning into a day.
Frank falling apart.
I confiscated that cat.
It's just, Sophie loves rules so much,
I felt like it would
be confusing for her
to break my own regulations.
It feels like it was kind of my fault,
- the license was my idea.
- No.
[CHUCKLES] Love that
accountability, Rick.
I'm just totally gonna
have French Fry nightmares.
I guess this whole thing
has sort of turned into a nightmare.
You were doing what
you thought was right.
Yeah, I think I messed up.
Maybe on this one,
we don't follow the rules.
I like where you're going.
Mind if I plus that idea?
Maybe there's a loophole on this one.
Households can't have
more than three cats,
but what if it wasn't a cat?
Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god, so good.
- Right?
- So good! Are we thinking the same?
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh, my god.
- You the man!
Guys, what's so good?
[EMILY] I took French
Fry from you this morning
and that was not very nice.
- Though she was just following protocol.
- Right.
But when I took French
Fry to Animal Control,
something magical happened.
- What?
- [BOTH GASPS]
French Fry turned into a caticorn.
So now you have three cats
and a magical caticorn,
and that's not in violation
of any Seattle code.
- No.
- It's just all so magical.
- Yeah.
- I love him. Thank you.
♪
Okay, don't get too wasted, Carol.
Oh, man. I need a drink.
It's open bar. Collette's treat.
Uh no, no, no. I said
I got the first round.
That's it. That's it.
Thirty year-old scotch,
can you cancel that, please?
And the queso starter. Thank you.
Everything cool with you?
Long day. I just had
a bunch of neuter jobs.
Mm. I got fixed a month ago.
You're doing the Lord's work.
[PATEL] I'm at the top of both my
parenting and sex game but more kids?
It's a good thing I can't have them.
So, uh, which one do I blow into?
[FLIRTATIOUS LAUGHTER]
This one. I'll show you.
[BAGPIPES HUMMING]
That's lovely. What is that?
The opening bars of Sexual Healing.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Um, I actually wanted to
talk to you about something
when you get a second.
I think I have a second right now.
Well, now's not good, actually.
Soon. Soon will be good but not now.
Okay.
There he is!
- Oh.
- Bye.
[GLASS CLINKING]
Everybody, could you bring it in?
I should probably address
the elephant in the room.
Hey, uh-nah. We're off the clock here.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Sorry about those bongos I
almost hit you with, Jack.
- Mm-hmm.
- I obviously lost my mind earlier
and though drum circles
and hippies are a scourge,
my behavior was not warranted.
This is weird, but I looked up to C-38.
I mean, if he were here,
he'd kill most of us
who couldn't run fast.
Sorry, Patel.
He had a set of steak knives
at the end of each of his paws.
So cool.
You know, I always kind of looked at him
as a beautiful, lone
wolf who was a cougar.
Yeah, it's getting away from me.
I'm gonna miss him.
[PHONE RINGS]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry, Frank!
Hey, Camila. Let me
Let me just get somewhere quiet.
Let's raise a glass to C-38, shall we?
- Yes!
- [ALL] To C-38!
[FRANK] Next round is on
me, guys. Nothing top-shelf.
[VOICE] Thanks Frank.
Oh, no.
Oh, Patel
I'm sorry, I should have warned you
my toasts have been known
to bring the house down.
It's not your words. It's my life.
Maya's pregnant.
[VICTORIA] How? You got a vasectomy.
One in 1,000 don't take.
I'm one in 1,000.
This is good news, buddy.
Absolutely.
It's a blessing. Excuse me.
- [CAMILA] Shred, hey, guess what?
- What?
[CAMILA] My whole family came into town.
- They surprised me at the race.
- Amazing!
Hey, do you have a second?
There's something I
wanted to talk to you about.
What's up?
- I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be.
- Oh, my god. Mama
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Camila, I care about you so much,
but being apart has been harder than
I thought it would be
and this could be the
biggest mistake of my life,
but I think we should break up.
You're handling this
with incredible grace.
Is this how you tell me?
Okay, spotty reception.
I can't believe this.
I wish I didn't have to do it like this,
in front of your entire
family and Cole.
- [COLE] What's up, dude?
- [CAMILA] This is about Emily, isn't it?
No. I I wouldn't do that.
Nothing's happened yet. I'm honorable.
Es stupido!
Oh, she spit right on the camera.
And you also suck as a snowboarder.
Wait, Camila! Camila!
This probably isn't a redial situation.
[TEMPLETON] Probably not.
[DOLORES] Yeah, definitely not.
[LAUGHTER]
[BAGPIPES HUMMING]
[LAUGHTER AND BAGPIPES HUM]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Wanna buy a boat?
- Yeah.
What did you do to your hand?
Oh, snagged it on a snare
drum that I threw into the woods.
Did you disinfect it?
Yes. With a filthy poncho.
You're an idiot.
Absolutely.
Thank you for today.
Sure.
Really.
Anytime.
Really.
[PATEL] Why am I so fertile?!
- [VOMITING]
- Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
I should help him.
Yeah, I'm gonna help him.
Yeah.
Okay, buddy, let's get you back inside.
- [PATEL] One in 1,000.
- Yeah.
Okay, well you still
owe me a dinner date,
so don't think I forgot about that.
I think I shot a little low last time.
Uh, Paris? Let's do well Paris.
Yeah, you know, that just feels
like a second date type of a thing.
Well, you pick the place.
I'll go anywhere.
Hey, Jack, Jack, Jack.
Have you seen Emily?
No, but have you seen this?
Oh.
I can't
As I was a goin' over ♪
the cork and Kerry mountains ♪
I met with captain Farrell
and his money he was counting ♪
I first produced me pistol ♪
and then I threw me rapier ♪
I said "stand and deliver" ♪
for you are the grand deceiver ♪
Mush-a ring dumb-a do dumba-a da ♪
Whack fall me daddy-o,
whack fall me daddy-o ♪
There's a whiskey in the jar ♪
[CHEERING]
Oh, no, no, no. We're good.
Uh-oh. Shred.
Hey.
How's the love life?
- Not good.
- I'm sorry, partner. Let me get you a drink.
- What did you call me?
- Hm?
You said "partner".
Tell anyone and I'll kill you.
Well, I won't partner.
Let me get a blueberry mojito.
Make that two.
He's drinking both.