Animaniacs (1993) s01e12 Episode Script
Taming of the Screwy / Temporary Insanity / Operation: Lollipop / What Are We? / Piano Rag
IT'S TIME FOR ANIMANIACS AND WE'RE ZANY TO THE MAX SO JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX YOU'LL LAUGH TILL YOU COLLAPSE WE'RE ANIMANIACS COME JOIN THE WARNER BROTHERS AND THE WARNER SISTER DOT JUST FOR FUN WE RUN AROUND THE WARNER MOVIE LOT THEY LOCK US IN THE TOWER WHENEVER WE GET CAUGHT BUT WE BREAK LOOSE AND THEN VAMOOSE AND NOW YOU KNOW THE PLOT WE'RE ANIMANIACS DOT IS CUTE AND YAKKO YAKS WAKKO PACKS AWAY THE SNACKS WHILE BILL CLINTON PLAYS THE SAX WE'RE ANIMANIACS MEET PINKY AND THE BRAIN WHO WANT TO RULE THE UNIVERSE GOODFEATHERS FLOCK TOGETHER SLAPPY WHACKS 'EM WITH HER PURSE BUTTONS CHASES MINDY WHILE RITA SINGS A VERSE THE WRITERS FLIPPED, WE HAVE NO SCRIPT WHY BOTHER TO REHEARSE? WE'RE ANIMANIACS WE HAVE PAY-OR-PLAY CONTRACTS WE'RE ZANY TO THE MAX THERE'S BALONEY IN OUR SLACKS WE'RE ANIMANEE TOTALLY INSANE-Y COME BACK, SHANEY ANIMANIACS THOSE ARE THE FACTS CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY WE SURF THE SEA THE WARNERS WE THREE BE TO CATCH A GAZE OF A BEACH TO GET SOME RAYS WE'LL NEVER SINK OUR BOARD'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT'S GOT A TAIL, IN FACT, IT IS A WHALE SO LONG, PAL! STAY OU OF TROUBLE! THANKS FOR THE RIDE! WE'LL GO OUT FOR SUSHI! YES, BROTHERS WARNER WE I'M THE WARNER SISTER YOU'D LIKE HER IF YOU KISSED HER WE SURFED THE SEVEN SEAS NOW IT'S TIME TO CATCH SOME ZS HEY! COME, SIBLINGS.
HOW ABOUT RIGHT HERE? IT'S SO CHEERY.
WAKKO? [SNORING.]
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
I AM THE EVIL PIRATE CAPTAIN MEL AND A REALLY EVIL PIRATE, TOO YOU'RE VERY, VERY KIND, I'M AN EVIL MASTERMIND AND I'LL DO CRUEL THINGS TO YOU WE ARE VERY, VERY KIND, HE'S AN EVIL MASTERMIND AND HE'LL DO CRUEL THINGS TO YOU I'LL KICK YOU IN THE KNEE POKE YOUR EYE SO YOU CAN'T SEE AND HIT YOU WITH MY SWORD THOUGH I BE A PIRATE SWINE I HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SO I WILL NOT PUSH YOU OVERBOARD WHAT, NEVER? NO, NEVER WHAT, NEVER? HARDLY EVER! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! THEY BE TRESPASSING ON ME PIRATE PROPERTY! I'LL SHOW THEM, I WILL! WHOA! HEY! OOH, IT'S OUR NEW BEST FRIEND.
WHO BE YE? YE BE WE.
WE'RE THE WARNER BROTHERS.
AND THE WARNER SISTER.
YE BE TRESPASSERS ON ME PRIVATE PIRATE PROPERTY! BET YOU CAN'T SAY THA THREE TIMES FAST.
PIRATE PRENOTWE POPELY.
PI.
PER.
YOU LOSE.
GRR! THE PENALTY FOR TRESPASSING IS DEATH.
FABOO.
YOU CAN'T KILL US.
YOU HARDLY KNOW US.
SOAHHHHH HOWS ABOUT A KISS? SONG BREAK! GOSH, WE'RE SCARED, OH, GOSH, WE'RE FRIGHTENED 'CAUSE OUR ITTY-BITTY NEW FRIEND HAS HIS TEENY-WEENY BRAIN ALL SE ON BLOWING US TO BITS OH, HOW HORRIBLE, DEPLORABLE THIS REALLY IS THE PITS WE SHOULD RUN, AND WE SHOULD FLEE THEN WHERE WOULD OUR STORY BE? THIS COULD SPELL THE BITTER END FOR ANIMATED KIDS LIKE THEM FOR THE OLDES WARNER BROTHER AND HIS PRETTY WARNER SISTER AND THE OTHER WARNER BROTHER THEIR SMALL LIVES I WILL SMOTHER THEY SHOULD RUN, AND THEY SHOULD FLEE THEN WHERE WOULD THEIR STORY BE? THIS-- BON VOYAGE-Y! BYE-BYE! COME BACK HERE, YOU PILES OF SLUGGISH SEA SLIME! GRRR! HA HA HA! ARRGH.
AH! AGH! HEE HEE HEE! PHEW! ARR! ARR-ARR-ARR! ARR-ARRR! ARR-ARR-ARR! ARR! YARR ARR-RRROO ARRAA! TOO BIG.
ARRR.
BETTER! I'LL TEACH YOU THREE SCALAWAGS TO MESS WITH THE LIKES OF ME! CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
O.
K.
HOW'S THIS? AAH! HOW DID YE DO THAT? UH, YOU MEAN WITH THE BIG COMEDY CANNON? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? ARRR! I'LL TAKE THA AS A YES! I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A CARTOON INDIVIDUAL MY ANIMATION'S COMICAL, UNUSUAL, AND WHIMSICAL I'M QUITE ADEP AT FUNNY GAGS COMEDIC THEORY I HAVE READ FROM WICKED PUNS AND STUPID JOKES TO ANVILS THAT DROP ON YOUR HEAD I'M VERY GOOD AT FANCY DANCES I CAN EVEN PIROUETTE THEN SMACK THE VILLAIN WITH A FISH I KNOW MY CARTOON ETIQUETTE I CAN MAKE MY FACE ALL MEAN AND REALLY GIVE YOU QUITE A FRIGHT AND MAKE UP WITH FLOWERS MADE OF REAL EXPLODING DYNAMITE WHEN IN A JAM, I JUST YELL, "STOP!" AND VILLAINS IN THEIR TRACKS ARE FROZE THEN I SNEAK UP AND UTTER, "START" AND TAKE MY HANDS AND HONK THEIR NOSE I AM QUITE PROUD TO BE IN SUCH A HIERARCHICAL PROGENY FROM DAFFY DUCK AND TWEETY BIRD TO BABS AND BUSTER BUNNY TO SUIT MY MOOD I CAN CALL FORTH A LO OF DIFFERENT SCENERIES LIKE OUTER SPACE AND DESERT SCAPES AND HIMALAYAN EATERIES FROM THIS BAG HERE WHY, I CAN PULL MOST ANYTHING IMAGINABLE LIKE OFFICE DESKS AND LAVA LIGHTS AND BER WHO IS A CANNIBAL [SLURP.]
GRRR! YOU SEE, IN MATTERS COMICAL, UNUSUAL, AND WHIMSICAL WE ARE THE VERY MODEL OF CARTOON INDIVIDUALS THE CRANKIES OF CREATURES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD OUR NEXT CARTOON FEATURES SLAPPY THE SQUIRREL ENOUGH WITH THE SINGING ALREADY.
THAT'S SLAPPY [HUMMING I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD.]
WILD TAKE NUMBER 32.
HA HA! REGULAR AS CLOCKWORK.
[BELCH.]
WISH EVERYTHING WAS REGULAR AS CLOCKWORK.
[CRYING.]
IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE IT'S A CRY BABY.
NOW, THAT'S COM-- TOTALLY AWESOME ACME SNAX THEY ARE FUN AND ENERGY-PACKED SUGAR-COATED SUGAR SACKS AHH, STUFF IT.
FLIPPING NETWORK CUTS OU MY FAMOUS END LINE FOR SOME RAZZ-A-FLAPPING CRUD-BALL COMMERCIAL HERE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
SOMEBODY GET ME A PEEN-BALL HAMMER.
WHO IS IT? AUNT SLAPPY! WHAT CAN I DO? HE'S MY NEPHEW.
HELLO, SKIPPY.
HI.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TV? IT'S HAVING A BAD DAY.
PARDON ME, BUT YOU GO A LITTLE EXCESS ENERGY THERE, SKIPPY.
MUST BE THESE TOTALLY AWESOME ACME SNAX.
WANT SOME? NOW, THERE'S A COLOR FOUND IN NATURE.
NEAT, HUH? BLECCHH.
EH, NO WONDER YOU LIKE THAT BONKERS SHOW.
THAT JUNK'S ROTTING OU YOUR BRAIN.
WHATCHA LOOKING FOR? I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU SOME BRAIN FOOD.
THAT'S RIGHT, MY FAMOUS WALNU FIG DOUGH SURPRISE.
WHAT'S THE SURPRISE? I'M OUT OF WALNUTS.
COME ON.
LET'S GO VISIT DOUG THE DOG.
WE'LL GET SOME WALNUTS OUT OF HIS OLD WALNUT TREE.
BUT HE HATES YOU, AUNT SLAPPY.
HE'S BEEN TRYING TO EAT YOU FOR YEARS! THANK YOU, MR.
EXPOSITION.
I DON'T KNOW, AUNT SLAPPY.
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BUY WALNUTS AT THE STORE.
YEAH.
WE'LL HAVE THEM IN HYSTERICS WITH THAT BIT.
SIX MINUTES IN A CHECKOUT LINE.
OOH, SOMEBODY STOP ME.
I'M LAUGHING.
[SNARLING.]
DOUG THE DOG IS MEAN! LOOK, YOU'VE SEEN ALL MY OLD CARTOONS, RIGHT? ABOUT A TRILLION TIMES! I WRESTLED WITH WALT THE WOLF, SID THE SQUID, AND BEANIE THE BRAIN-DEAD BISON.
THIS DOUG GUY IS NOTHING.
BUT THOSE WERE CARTOONS, AND THIS IS REAL LIFE! DON'T TELL HIM.
HE MIGHT CRACK.
LOOK, SKIPPY, I'VE SEEN AND DONE EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK.
HOLD IT THERE.
YOU'RE DOING THE OLD FROZEN-TAKE BIT, WHICH MEANS THA DOUG THE DOG WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME.
THAT WAS JUST LIKE IN PREHISTORIC SLAPPY.
THAT WAS CAVEGIRL SLAPPY, 1932, DIRECTED BY PIZ PEENERS, AH, BUT LET'S NOT BE ANAL.
LET'S GE SOME WALNUTS.
[GROWL.]
HOLD IT.
ENCHIRITOS! GET YOUR ENCHIRITOS HERE! ENCHIRITO, MISTER? I CAN TELL YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY THAT LIKES 'EM EXTRA HOT! HERE YOU GO, AMIGO.
WHAT A SCHMUTZ.
HERE.
PUT THEM UNDER YOUR PILLOW.
MAYBE YOU'LL GE SOME DIMES.
GREAT! OOPS.
SORRY.
ARTHRITIS.
MY GRIP AIN'T WHAT I USED TO BE.
[SNARLING.]
YOU REMIND ME OF A VERY YOUNG SCOOBY DOO.
[CRASH.]
OOH.
THAT'S SAD.
HEH HEH HEH! OH, GEE! IT'S A XYLOPHONE.
I WONDER WHO IT'S FROM.
"DEAR SLAPPY-- I'M SO SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.
"LET'S BE PALS.
"THIS IS A SMALL TOKEN OF MY ESTEEM.
DOUG THE DOG.
" I THINK I'LL PLAY THOSE ENDEARING YOUNG CHARMS.
NO! NOT THAT! OLD GAG, NEW TWIST.
HA HA HA! REMEMBER, SKIPPY, NEVER LEAVE A MESS WHEN YOU'RE VISITING SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME.
RIGHT.
HEH HEH HEH! AH, HERE WE GO.
THE LAST TWO NUTS.
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WALNUTS.
I HEAR BUDDY HACKETT'S VERY GOOD IN THIS.
THE WORLD IS A CAROUSEL OF WALNUTS BEAUTIFUL, COLORFUL WALNUTS HEH HEH HEH! NOW, AS WE ALL KNOW, WALNUTS GROW ON TREES.
AH, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS THING? CHEESY PIECE OF HOOEY MANURE.
EH.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
THIS FRISKY LITTLE FELLA MAKES HIS HOME IN THE HOLLOW OF AN OLD TREE.
A SQUIRREL LIKES TO HIDE HIS NUTS IN MANY ODD PLACES WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE ON THEM.
THANKS FOR THE WALNUTS.
WHEW.
HEY, LIONEL HAMPTON, THESE LAST TWO NUTS YOU GAVE ME ARE ROTTEN.
THAT'S A CATCHY TUNE.
HEH HEH HEH! EH, SOMEBODY STOP ME.
[SNIFF.]
NOW, THIS IS BRAIN FOOD.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
SOMEBODY SHOOT ME.
AH, LOOK AT THIS.
HI, GRANDMA.
HOW THE HECK ARE YA? OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
LET'S SEE HERE.
I'VE BONKED HIM, FLATTENED HIS HEAD, AND BLOWN HIM UP.
WHAT AM I FORGETTING? I KNOW! TOLD YOU MY WALNU FIG DOUGH WAS BRAIN FOOD.
HEH HEH HEH! NOW, THAT'S COMEDY! [SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING.]
EVERYBODY LIVES ON A STREET IN A CITY OR A VILLAGE OR A TOWN, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH AND THEY'RE ALL INSIDE A COUNTRY WHICH IS PAR OF A CONTINENT THAT SITS UPON A PLANE KNOWN AS EARTH AND THE EARTH IS A BALL FULL OF OCEANS AND SOME MOUNTAINS WHICH IS OUT THERE SPINNING SILENTLY IN SPACE AND LIVING ON THAT EARTH ARE THE PLANTS AND THE ANIMALS AND ALSO THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE IT'S A GREAT BIG UNIVERSE AND WE'RE ALL REALLY PUNY WE'RE JUS TINY, LITTLE SPECKS ABOUT THE SIZE OF MICKEY ROONEY IT'S BIG AND BLACK AND INKY AND WE ARE SMALL AND DINKY IT'S A BIG UNIVERSE AND WE'RE NOT AND WE'RE PART OF A VAS INTERPLANETARY SYSTEM STRETCHING 700 BILLION MILES LONG WITH NINE PLANETS AND A SUN WE THINK THE EARTH'S THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS LIFE ON IT ALTHOUGH WE COULD BE WRONG ACROSS THE INTERSTELLAR VOIDS ARE A BILLION ASTEROIDS INCLUDING METEORS AND HALLEY'S COMET, TOO AND THERE'S OVER 50 MOONS FLOATING OUT THERE LIKE BALLOONS IN A PANORAMIC TRILLION-MILE VIEW AND STILL IT'S ALL A SPECK AMID A HUNDRED BILLION STARS IN A GALAXY WE CALL THE MILKY WAY IT'S 60,000 TRILLION MILES FROM ONE END TO THE OTHER AND STILL THAT'S JUS A FRACTION OF THE WAY 'CAUSE THERE'S A HUNDRED BILLION GALAXIES THAT STRETCH ACROSS THE SKY FILLED WITH CONSTELLATIONS, PLANETS, MOONS, AND STARS AND STILL THE UNIVERSE EXTENDS TO A PLACE THAT NEVER ENDS WHICH IS MAYBE JUST INSIDE A LITTLE JAR IT'S A GREAT BIG UNIVERSE AND WE'RE ALL REALLY PUNY WE'RE JUS TINY, LITTLE SPECKS ABOUT THE SIZE OF MICKEY ROONEY THOUGH WE DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT HERE WE'RE AN IMPORTAN PART HERE IT'S A BIG UNIVERSE AND IT'S OURS WE ARE THE VERY MODELS OF CARTOON INDIVIDUALS
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY WE SURF THE SEA THE WARNERS WE THREE BE TO CATCH A GAZE OF A BEACH TO GET SOME RAYS WE'LL NEVER SINK OUR BOARD'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT'S GOT A TAIL, IN FACT, IT IS A WHALE SO LONG, PAL! STAY OU OF TROUBLE! THANKS FOR THE RIDE! WE'LL GO OUT FOR SUSHI! YES, BROTHERS WARNER WE I'M THE WARNER SISTER YOU'D LIKE HER IF YOU KISSED HER WE SURFED THE SEVEN SEAS NOW IT'S TIME TO CATCH SOME ZS HEY! COME, SIBLINGS.
HOW ABOUT RIGHT HERE? IT'S SO CHEERY.
WAKKO? [SNORING.]
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
I AM THE EVIL PIRATE CAPTAIN MEL AND A REALLY EVIL PIRATE, TOO YOU'RE VERY, VERY KIND, I'M AN EVIL MASTERMIND AND I'LL DO CRUEL THINGS TO YOU WE ARE VERY, VERY KIND, HE'S AN EVIL MASTERMIND AND HE'LL DO CRUEL THINGS TO YOU I'LL KICK YOU IN THE KNEE POKE YOUR EYE SO YOU CAN'T SEE AND HIT YOU WITH MY SWORD THOUGH I BE A PIRATE SWINE I HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SO I WILL NOT PUSH YOU OVERBOARD WHAT, NEVER? NO, NEVER WHAT, NEVER? HARDLY EVER! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! THEY BE TRESPASSING ON ME PIRATE PROPERTY! I'LL SHOW THEM, I WILL! WHOA! HEY! OOH, IT'S OUR NEW BEST FRIEND.
WHO BE YE? YE BE WE.
WE'RE THE WARNER BROTHERS.
AND THE WARNER SISTER.
YE BE TRESPASSERS ON ME PRIVATE PIRATE PROPERTY! BET YOU CAN'T SAY THA THREE TIMES FAST.
PIRATE PRENOTWE POPELY.
PI.
PER.
YOU LOSE.
GRR! THE PENALTY FOR TRESPASSING IS DEATH.
FABOO.
YOU CAN'T KILL US.
YOU HARDLY KNOW US.
SOAHHHHH HOWS ABOUT A KISS? SONG BREAK! GOSH, WE'RE SCARED, OH, GOSH, WE'RE FRIGHTENED 'CAUSE OUR ITTY-BITTY NEW FRIEND HAS HIS TEENY-WEENY BRAIN ALL SE ON BLOWING US TO BITS OH, HOW HORRIBLE, DEPLORABLE THIS REALLY IS THE PITS WE SHOULD RUN, AND WE SHOULD FLEE THEN WHERE WOULD OUR STORY BE? THIS COULD SPELL THE BITTER END FOR ANIMATED KIDS LIKE THEM FOR THE OLDES WARNER BROTHER AND HIS PRETTY WARNER SISTER AND THE OTHER WARNER BROTHER THEIR SMALL LIVES I WILL SMOTHER THEY SHOULD RUN, AND THEY SHOULD FLEE THEN WHERE WOULD THEIR STORY BE? THIS-- BON VOYAGE-Y! BYE-BYE! COME BACK HERE, YOU PILES OF SLUGGISH SEA SLIME! GRRR! HA HA HA! ARRGH.
AH! AGH! HEE HEE HEE! PHEW! ARR! ARR-ARR-ARR! ARR-ARRR! ARR-ARR-ARR! ARR! YARR ARR-RRROO ARRAA! TOO BIG.
ARRR.
BETTER! I'LL TEACH YOU THREE SCALAWAGS TO MESS WITH THE LIKES OF ME! CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
O.
K.
HOW'S THIS? AAH! HOW DID YE DO THAT? UH, YOU MEAN WITH THE BIG COMEDY CANNON? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? ARRR! I'LL TAKE THA AS A YES! I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A CARTOON INDIVIDUAL MY ANIMATION'S COMICAL, UNUSUAL, AND WHIMSICAL I'M QUITE ADEP AT FUNNY GAGS COMEDIC THEORY I HAVE READ FROM WICKED PUNS AND STUPID JOKES TO ANVILS THAT DROP ON YOUR HEAD I'M VERY GOOD AT FANCY DANCES I CAN EVEN PIROUETTE THEN SMACK THE VILLAIN WITH A FISH I KNOW MY CARTOON ETIQUETTE I CAN MAKE MY FACE ALL MEAN AND REALLY GIVE YOU QUITE A FRIGHT AND MAKE UP WITH FLOWERS MADE OF REAL EXPLODING DYNAMITE WHEN IN A JAM, I JUST YELL, "STOP!" AND VILLAINS IN THEIR TRACKS ARE FROZE THEN I SNEAK UP AND UTTER, "START" AND TAKE MY HANDS AND HONK THEIR NOSE I AM QUITE PROUD TO BE IN SUCH A HIERARCHICAL PROGENY FROM DAFFY DUCK AND TWEETY BIRD TO BABS AND BUSTER BUNNY TO SUIT MY MOOD I CAN CALL FORTH A LO OF DIFFERENT SCENERIES LIKE OUTER SPACE AND DESERT SCAPES AND HIMALAYAN EATERIES FROM THIS BAG HERE WHY, I CAN PULL MOST ANYTHING IMAGINABLE LIKE OFFICE DESKS AND LAVA LIGHTS AND BER WHO IS A CANNIBAL [SLURP.]
GRRR! YOU SEE, IN MATTERS COMICAL, UNUSUAL, AND WHIMSICAL WE ARE THE VERY MODEL OF CARTOON INDIVIDUALS THE CRANKIES OF CREATURES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD OUR NEXT CARTOON FEATURES SLAPPY THE SQUIRREL ENOUGH WITH THE SINGING ALREADY.
THAT'S SLAPPY [HUMMING I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD.]
WILD TAKE NUMBER 32.
HA HA! REGULAR AS CLOCKWORK.
[BELCH.]
WISH EVERYTHING WAS REGULAR AS CLOCKWORK.
[CRYING.]
IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE IT'S A CRY BABY.
NOW, THAT'S COM-- TOTALLY AWESOME ACME SNAX THEY ARE FUN AND ENERGY-PACKED SUGAR-COATED SUGAR SACKS AHH, STUFF IT.
FLIPPING NETWORK CUTS OU MY FAMOUS END LINE FOR SOME RAZZ-A-FLAPPING CRUD-BALL COMMERCIAL HERE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
SOMEBODY GET ME A PEEN-BALL HAMMER.
WHO IS IT? AUNT SLAPPY! WHAT CAN I DO? HE'S MY NEPHEW.
HELLO, SKIPPY.
HI.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TV? IT'S HAVING A BAD DAY.
PARDON ME, BUT YOU GO A LITTLE EXCESS ENERGY THERE, SKIPPY.
MUST BE THESE TOTALLY AWESOME ACME SNAX.
WANT SOME? NOW, THERE'S A COLOR FOUND IN NATURE.
NEAT, HUH? BLECCHH.
EH, NO WONDER YOU LIKE THAT BONKERS SHOW.
THAT JUNK'S ROTTING OU YOUR BRAIN.
WHATCHA LOOKING FOR? I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU SOME BRAIN FOOD.
THAT'S RIGHT, MY FAMOUS WALNU FIG DOUGH SURPRISE.
WHAT'S THE SURPRISE? I'M OUT OF WALNUTS.
COME ON.
LET'S GO VISIT DOUG THE DOG.
WE'LL GET SOME WALNUTS OUT OF HIS OLD WALNUT TREE.
BUT HE HATES YOU, AUNT SLAPPY.
HE'S BEEN TRYING TO EAT YOU FOR YEARS! THANK YOU, MR.
EXPOSITION.
I DON'T KNOW, AUNT SLAPPY.
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BUY WALNUTS AT THE STORE.
YEAH.
WE'LL HAVE THEM IN HYSTERICS WITH THAT BIT.
SIX MINUTES IN A CHECKOUT LINE.
OOH, SOMEBODY STOP ME.
I'M LAUGHING.
[SNARLING.]
DOUG THE DOG IS MEAN! LOOK, YOU'VE SEEN ALL MY OLD CARTOONS, RIGHT? ABOUT A TRILLION TIMES! I WRESTLED WITH WALT THE WOLF, SID THE SQUID, AND BEANIE THE BRAIN-DEAD BISON.
THIS DOUG GUY IS NOTHING.
BUT THOSE WERE CARTOONS, AND THIS IS REAL LIFE! DON'T TELL HIM.
HE MIGHT CRACK.
LOOK, SKIPPY, I'VE SEEN AND DONE EVERY TRICK IN THE BOOK.
HOLD IT THERE.
YOU'RE DOING THE OLD FROZEN-TAKE BIT, WHICH MEANS THA DOUG THE DOG WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME.
THAT WAS JUST LIKE IN PREHISTORIC SLAPPY.
THAT WAS CAVEGIRL SLAPPY, 1932, DIRECTED BY PIZ PEENERS, AH, BUT LET'S NOT BE ANAL.
LET'S GE SOME WALNUTS.
[GROWL.]
HOLD IT.
ENCHIRITOS! GET YOUR ENCHIRITOS HERE! ENCHIRITO, MISTER? I CAN TELL YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY THAT LIKES 'EM EXTRA HOT! HERE YOU GO, AMIGO.
WHAT A SCHMUTZ.
HERE.
PUT THEM UNDER YOUR PILLOW.
MAYBE YOU'LL GE SOME DIMES.
GREAT! OOPS.
SORRY.
ARTHRITIS.
MY GRIP AIN'T WHAT I USED TO BE.
[SNARLING.]
YOU REMIND ME OF A VERY YOUNG SCOOBY DOO.
[CRASH.]
OOH.
THAT'S SAD.
HEH HEH HEH! OH, GEE! IT'S A XYLOPHONE.
I WONDER WHO IT'S FROM.
"DEAR SLAPPY-- I'M SO SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.
"LET'S BE PALS.
"THIS IS A SMALL TOKEN OF MY ESTEEM.
DOUG THE DOG.
" I THINK I'LL PLAY THOSE ENDEARING YOUNG CHARMS.
NO! NOT THAT! OLD GAG, NEW TWIST.
HA HA HA! REMEMBER, SKIPPY, NEVER LEAVE A MESS WHEN YOU'RE VISITING SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME.
RIGHT.
HEH HEH HEH! AH, HERE WE GO.
THE LAST TWO NUTS.
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WALNUTS.
I HEAR BUDDY HACKETT'S VERY GOOD IN THIS.
THE WORLD IS A CAROUSEL OF WALNUTS BEAUTIFUL, COLORFUL WALNUTS HEH HEH HEH! NOW, AS WE ALL KNOW, WALNUTS GROW ON TREES.
AH, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS THING? CHEESY PIECE OF HOOEY MANURE.
EH.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
THIS FRISKY LITTLE FELLA MAKES HIS HOME IN THE HOLLOW OF AN OLD TREE.
A SQUIRREL LIKES TO HIDE HIS NUTS IN MANY ODD PLACES WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE ON THEM.
THANKS FOR THE WALNUTS.
WHEW.
HEY, LIONEL HAMPTON, THESE LAST TWO NUTS YOU GAVE ME ARE ROTTEN.
THAT'S A CATCHY TUNE.
HEH HEH HEH! EH, SOMEBODY STOP ME.
[SNIFF.]
NOW, THIS IS BRAIN FOOD.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
SOMEBODY SHOOT ME.
AH, LOOK AT THIS.
HI, GRANDMA.
HOW THE HECK ARE YA? OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
LET'S SEE HERE.
I'VE BONKED HIM, FLATTENED HIS HEAD, AND BLOWN HIM UP.
WHAT AM I FORGETTING? I KNOW! TOLD YOU MY WALNU FIG DOUGH WAS BRAIN FOOD.
HEH HEH HEH! NOW, THAT'S COMEDY! [SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING.]
EVERYBODY LIVES ON A STREET IN A CITY OR A VILLAGE OR A TOWN, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH AND THEY'RE ALL INSIDE A COUNTRY WHICH IS PAR OF A CONTINENT THAT SITS UPON A PLANE KNOWN AS EARTH AND THE EARTH IS A BALL FULL OF OCEANS AND SOME MOUNTAINS WHICH IS OUT THERE SPINNING SILENTLY IN SPACE AND LIVING ON THAT EARTH ARE THE PLANTS AND THE ANIMALS AND ALSO THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE IT'S A GREAT BIG UNIVERSE AND WE'RE ALL REALLY PUNY WE'RE JUS TINY, LITTLE SPECKS ABOUT THE SIZE OF MICKEY ROONEY IT'S BIG AND BLACK AND INKY AND WE ARE SMALL AND DINKY IT'S A BIG UNIVERSE AND WE'RE NOT AND WE'RE PART OF A VAS INTERPLANETARY SYSTEM STRETCHING 700 BILLION MILES LONG WITH NINE PLANETS AND A SUN WE THINK THE EARTH'S THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS LIFE ON IT ALTHOUGH WE COULD BE WRONG ACROSS THE INTERSTELLAR VOIDS ARE A BILLION ASTEROIDS INCLUDING METEORS AND HALLEY'S COMET, TOO AND THERE'S OVER 50 MOONS FLOATING OUT THERE LIKE BALLOONS IN A PANORAMIC TRILLION-MILE VIEW AND STILL IT'S ALL A SPECK AMID A HUNDRED BILLION STARS IN A GALAXY WE CALL THE MILKY WAY IT'S 60,000 TRILLION MILES FROM ONE END TO THE OTHER AND STILL THAT'S JUS A FRACTION OF THE WAY 'CAUSE THERE'S A HUNDRED BILLION GALAXIES THAT STRETCH ACROSS THE SKY FILLED WITH CONSTELLATIONS, PLANETS, MOONS, AND STARS AND STILL THE UNIVERSE EXTENDS TO A PLACE THAT NEVER ENDS WHICH IS MAYBE JUST INSIDE A LITTLE JAR IT'S A GREAT BIG UNIVERSE AND WE'RE ALL REALLY PUNY WE'RE JUS TINY, LITTLE SPECKS ABOUT THE SIZE OF MICKEY ROONEY THOUGH WE DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT HERE WE'RE AN IMPORTAN PART HERE IT'S A BIG UNIVERSE AND IT'S OURS WE ARE THE VERY MODELS OF CARTOON INDIVIDUALS