Animaniacs (2020) s01e12 Episode Script


[THEME SONG PLAYING]
It's time for Animaniacs ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
Critically acclaim-ey ♪
Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
YAKKO: Come on, Dot!
We're gonna be late for our "Better Homes
and Water Towers" cover photo!
DOT: Ahhh!
What happened, sis?
We've got a zit!
[SCREAMING]
A zit! A zit! ♪
My fans will throw a fit ♪
My gorgeous face of charm and grace ♪
Has never had a single trace ♪
Of anything that's out of place ♪
And now I have a zit! ♪
Don't like it a bit! ♪
Because it's big, it's sore ♪
And it's clogging up my pore ♪
Just look at this, it's really sick ♪
Like something out of a horror flick ♪
It's gonna ruin my cover pic ♪
It's twice as big as Moby Dick ♪
I gotta get rid of it really quick ♪
I really hate this zit! ♪
Calm down a bit ♪
We know just how you feel ♪
Relax, it's no big deal ♪
We all get zits sooner or later ♪
Some are big and some are greater ♪
Yours looks like a meteor crater ♪
BOTH: But we know it's not ♪
DOT: Thanks a lot! ♪
BOTH: A zit, a zit ♪
Oh yes, that's it ♪
We must admit ♪
It's growing on you ♪
Okay, it's there ♪
And folks may stare ♪
And kids might scare ♪
But still it's true ♪
That it's just a little spot ♪
It's nothing-- ♪
- No, it's not! ♪
It's awful see, just look up close ♪
It's so disgusting and morose ♪
Oh my goodness, that is gross! ♪
I have got a Dot! ♪
Was that my spot? ♪
A Dot, a Dot ♪
I can't believe I've got ♪
This great big thing,
I don't know what ♪
A little girl with a pixie cut ♪
Is growing right here on my butt ♪
A great big Warner Dot! ♪
Who'd have thought? ♪
- You can speak? ♪
- Yeah, I speak! ♪
Though, I only live a week ♪
We zits have feelings too, you know ♪
And hopes and dreams and plans to grow ♪
Maybe visit Idaho ♪
But not to have a Dot! ♪
Right where I've got! ♪
- A Zit ♪
- I've got a Dot ♪
- I never dreamed ♪
- I never thought ♪
BOTH: I'd be so horrified
right in my gut ♪
- It's on my face ♪
- It's on my butt ♪
- A Zit ♪
- A Dot ♪
BOTH: I tell you what,
I don't know what to do ♪
BOTH: A zit, a zit ♪
DOT: A Zit ♪
ZIT: A Dot ♪
DOT: I have a Zit ♪
ZIT: I have a Dot ♪
My fans will throw a fit ♪
ZIT: Somehow we got ♪
DOT: It's growing on me ♪
ZIT: On me ♪
- It's on my face ♪
- It's on my butt ♪
DOT: I can't erase ♪
- I'm in a rut ♪
- I don't know what ♪
- I don't know what ♪
ALL: To do! ♪
But what is true! ♪
Is he can think! He can feel! ♪
My pimple's really real! ♪
I guess somehow I didn't see ♪
That all he asks is, let him be ♪
He really is a lot like me ♪
My pimple is my friend ♪
- My Dot! ♪
- My Zit! ♪
DOT/ZIT: Hey, we could be a hit ♪
You're part of me, I'm part of you ♪
We go together, just us two ♪
So let's go visit Boise zoo ♪
Dot Warner and her Zit ♪
And now that's it ♪
And so let's quit ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
It's not so bad, in fact I'm glad ♪
DOT: It's great to have a Zit! ♪
ZIT: It's great to have a Dot! ♪
[ZIT CHUCKLES]
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
["PINKY AND THE BRAIN" THEME SONG PLAYING]
Gee, Brain, what do you
wanna do tonight?
BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[THUNDER CLAP]
[♪♪♪]
They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius ♪
The other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
[♪♪♪]
[SLAMS]
[MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
PINKY: We're on a gondola ♪
Rowing to Italia ♪
We will abscond-ala ♪
With pizza and pasta-la ♪
Pinky, your grasp of geography
is as strong as gravity.
Why, thank you!
Which is the weakest
of the four fundamental forces!
[CLOTH RIPS]
Oh.
We're not in Italy.
We're in Baghdad:
the center of learning and trade,
along with our indispensable
new friend, Egwind--
That's me!
Truly, our adventures up until now
have been impoverished
without your presence.
Yes, no one can break up the trio
of Pinky, the Brain, and Egwind--
Not like thiiiis!
Pinky, you're going to have
to pick up the slack.
Ohh, but slacks chafe
my inner thighs, so.
I prefer a breathable kilt.
[♪♪♪]
[SNORING]
Egad, Brain! Look at all
the pretty ponies!
Yes, they're the Sultana's
finest Arabian stallions.
I will steal these mighty steeds
and use them to take over the world!
But we must be careful, Pinky.
Horses are easily startled.
Better blow into this conch shell
to warn them we're coming!
[BLARING]
- Pinky!
[WHINNIES]
[SCREAMING]
[GROWLS]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[MIDDLE-EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
Ugh. I've been
binge-watching this for hours,
and I'm bored, bored, bored!
This show is canceled.
Throw them in the dungeon!
My queen, I found these two spies
lurking in your stables.
[GIGGLES]
And?
And, uh then I brought them here.
And then we had this conversation?
Ugh, that's the end of your story?
Oh well. Take them away and behead them!
No, wait!
Uh, if it's a story you're looking for,
I have a particularly interesting tale
you might like.
I'm listening.
Very well.
This is the story
of Ali Ba-brain, yes.
But first, a word from our sponsors.
Do you want delicious organic produce
delivered right to your door?
INTRODUCING: "Serf on your Turf!"
We find the poorest peasants
and make them grow food on your land.
Oh, skip ad, skip ad, skip ad!
Ali Ba-brain was a poor woodcutter,
who one day stumbled upon the hideout
of the ruthless forty thieves.
Ahhh! Great job, thieves.
Another successful day
of pillaging in the books!
Kevin, in the back,
great job tripping that old lady
to get her jewelry.
We need more Kevins. Right? Right?
[HORSE SNORTS]
Ah! Here it is!
The secret entrance to our cave
full of treasure!
Oh, and for those of you saying
this isn't very secure,
I'm sorry having a literal magic cave
does not impress you.
I think we could all use
a little more childlike wonder
and a little less cynicism.
[SNORTS]
Anyway, I picked
a really strong password this time,
so no one will be able to guess it.
Ha ha ha!
Is it "Cave-1-2-3"?
Ah-ha. Very funny, character
who doesn't even have a name.
[WHISPERING]
"Cave-1-2-3."
[RUMBLING]
Oh.
[HORSES NEIGHING]
[RUMBLING]
[RUMBLING]
Ahh!
[HORSES NEIGHING]
[CAVE DOOR RUMBLING]
Cave-1-2-3!
[CAVE DOOR RUMBLING]
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
BRAIN: Ali Ba-brain took a bag
of the thieves' gold and headed for home.
He confided in his brother, Pinqib,
a stupid and greedy man,
everything he had seen.
PINQIB: Narf! I've never seen
such radiance in all my life!
And one time I stared straight
into the sun for five hours!
Pinqib, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
I think so, Ali Ba-brain,
but a water bed filled
with ranch dressing?
Ooh, it's almost too obvious.
No, Pinqib.
I shall melt down the gold
to build a concentrated reflective beam
and use its limitless energy
to take over Arabia!
But Pinqib was jealous
of Ali Ba-brain's good fortune
and wanted to see the cave for himself.
Off I go!
BRAIN: Did I mention
he was incredibly stupid?
Hmm. Let's see now.
What was the password again?
Oh. "Let me in"?
No, no, maybe, "Open Sesame"?
BOOMING VOICE:
Incorrect username/password combination.
Would you like to answer
your security questions?
Oh, fun!
BOOMING VOICE: What are the nine
middle names of your firstborn son?
Um. I don't have a fir--
BOOMING VOICE: In what year did Mongols
first invade your childhood city-state?
Oh dear, this is a toughie.
BOOMING VOICE: Prove you're not a robot
by finding all the buses in this picture.
What's a bus?
BOOMING VOICE:
Are you sure you're not a robot?
I don't know!
I don't know anything anymore!
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[YELPS]
BRAIN: Meanwhile,
Ali Ba-brain had successfully built
his death beam
and was about to --
- Wait a minute, Brain,
what happened to Ali Ba-brain's
dashing brother?
Yes! What happens to Pinqib?
If I were the thieves,
I would have him punished
for his treachery!
[PINQIB SCREAMING]
Dangit. Sand trap, again.
Ooh, that seems rather extreme.
What if his brother became friends
with the thieves instead?
Now that's my kind of treasure chest!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Ha ha!
[♪♪♪]
But why would the thieves befriend
such a fool?
And how did he become a mermaid?
It's preposterous!
No, he's a half-mermaid anti-hero!
That's what makes it such a great twist!
Okay, just spitballing here
'cause I like it,
what if the thieves made Pinqib
their new leader?
Yes!
And together, they sought revenge
against Ali Ba-brain!
Oww! Oh.
Forty of you go get him,
the rest stay here
and collect all this precious sand.
[GASPS]
Nooo!
BRAIN: No! No!
You're ruining the story
with your senseless babble!
You dare question
my narrative authority?
Off with his head!
Oh um when I said "ruining,"
I meant "thinking outside the box."
Uh, perhaps you will indulge me
by letting me tell another story
about a true anti-hero.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Once upon a time,
there was a young mouse named Brainladdin.
Brainladdin was the most clever mouse
in all the land.
But alas, he was born
without a single dinar to his name.
[♪♪♪]
[SQUEAKING]
Huh?
Hyuk!
Filthy street rat!
Oh please. I am no street rat.
[SCREAMS]
BRAIN: But one day,
Brainladdin found something
that all others had been
foolish enough to overlook.
[GASPING]
Hello, Aladdin-- I mean, Brainladdin.
I'm here to grant you three wishes!
I am going to use the wishes
to become the most rich and powerful being
in all the land!
BRAIN: True to his word,
Brainladdin used his first wish
to ask for a magnificent palace.
Can somebody fetch me a cup of tea?
I'm quite parched.
Hello?
What is the point of having
a home like this
if there's nobody here?
Oh, Brainladdin, you're finally ready
to start a family?
How lovely!
Look at me,
you and I should have a talk
about the birds and the bees.
Now, one of them has feathers
and the other has antlers,
but I don't remember which one's which.
No, you fool! I don't want a family.
I want a staff to help me!
Got it!
What is this?
A staff, just like you asked!
[GRUNTS]
I didn't want this kind of staff.
I want maids, butlers,
[GLASS SHATTERS]
and a butler just for dusting
the other butlers!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Brainladdin.
I'm not good with worbs.
I believe you mean "words."
There, you see?
That's exactly what I meme!
Now you listen to me, Genie.
I have one final wish,
and you'd better not make a mess of it,
or else I'll make you wish
you had never been born.
Well, technically, I was never born.
[BONES CRUNCH]
[STRAINED VOICE]
But that's not important.
What is your final wish, Brainladdin?
[GASPS]
I want to be--
Ooh, ooh, I know! A dolphin!
A dolphin?
What kind of imbecile would want to--
I like dolphins as much
as I like mermaids.
I love your ideas.
They're so fresh and original.
Unlike this guy's.
He's just doing lazy parodies.
Well, if you love Pinky's ideas so much,
perhaps he should tell the next story.
Oh, can I?
I've got a really good one
about Pinkbad the Sailor.
Pinkbad was looking
for a new feather for his turban
to replace the old one,
which had gotten married.
It was an arranged marriage to a plume.
Horrible tradition.
Pinky, what are you talking about?
Shh! Don't interrupt him.
Go ahead, Pinky.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, Pinkbad was at the store,
trying to return a shirt.
I thought this was about feathers!
It was? When?
Just now!
Well, now it's a shirt.
And Pinkbad wanted cash for his return,
but the wicked cashier
would only offer him store credit.
Noooo! It's wrong, all wrong.
Why? That was so great.
I really felt like the city was
its own character.
That wasn't the story
of Pinkbad the Sailor at all.
It was a dream I had!
But actually, that reminds me
of another dream
where I was at home,
but it wasn't my house per se--
Ooh, interesting.
Stop it, stop it,
stop it, you philistines!
You dunderheaded fools!
Your ideas are banal.
You have no sense of drama or vision.
Neither of you has the intelligence,
nor the attention span
to be a professional storyteller!
Also, you think
all this gold leaf is classy?
It's not. It's vulgar.
[VASE SHATTERS]
[GROWLS]
Run, Pinky!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
We must evade these guards
and prepare for tomorrow night.
Why, Brain, what are we going
to do tomorrow night?
Read The Hero's Journey
by Joseph Campbell?
Well, a slight brush-up wouldn't hurt.
No, the same thing
we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[♪♪♪]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
I heard The Rock gained 80 pounds
in his biceps for this movie.
I heard his performance
as a recovering gambling addict
is generating early Oscar buzz.
I heard there's a giant crab!
[♪♪♪]
Hurry! There's still
some seats together!
Welcome to the most advanced
freshwater river boat casino
in the world.
The Royal Flush.
John, you didn't tell me
this was a gambling boat.
It's the safest and gentlest way
to get our daughter
to St. Louis for her operation.
[COUGHING]
AUDIENCE: Aww.
Besides, I gave up gambling
a long time ago.
I've got the only pair of queens
I need right here.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
[THUDDING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Don't worry. I'll just ask this nice man
to scoot over one seat.
Excus-- Ahh!
Yeah. Excus-- Ahh!
[♪♪♪]
[SLURPING]
Hiii! Could you move on over? Please.
Now! Thanks.
Guess that's a no.
[GRUNTING]
[STRAINING]
Sibs, I believe we are experiencing
the cultural phenomenon
known as "manspreading."
[CLEARS THROAT]
Now then, you see Dot--
When a man-- ♪
DOT: Shush.
I don't need a mansplaining song
about manspreading.
Now woman-up and help me close
his legs to a reasonable distance.
[ALL STRAINING]
[PANTING]
See, if you put in the legwork
[LASERS FIRING ON SCREEN]
I think we're missing the giant crab.
JOHN: Look at that giant crab!
Oh! We're definitely missing
the giant crab.
[CRYING]
[YELLING]
[STRAINING]
Why you--
WAKKO: Jab left! Pin right!
Circle into square! Circle into square!!
[DOT AND YAKKO GRUNT]
[MAN SCREAMING]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
[SCREAMING]
John, you're gambling with our lives!
We need to get off this riverboat.
There's no folding on the Royal Flush.
We're all in!
This means War ner Brothers.
And the Warner Sister!
[STRAINING]
[GRUNTING AND GUNSHOTS ON SCREEN]
I've got an idea.
Let's take advantage of the audience.
We already are, sis, by showing them ads
based on their stolen personal data.
No, we can trick the audience
into pushing his legs together.
I'll take the left side,
and you guys take the right.
Well, I don't care
what the guy in C37 says,
that hat is very slimming.
I beg your pardon!
He's over there,
over on the right side of the theater.
[SNIFFLING]
Oh, you don't smell nearly as bad
as the person in B3 said.
What? Where?
Over there, on the left.
The lady on the far right says
your dad is a sea lion.
Is it true?
[BARKS]
Those kids on the left side
of the theater
are plotting to steal your pretzel.
[GASPS] Oh no, it's begun!
[GASPS]
BOTH: Love is a lie,
it'll end in heartbreak,
get out while you still can!
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]
I could never love someone
on the right side of the theater!
Keep walking left, lady!
You're no mother of mine!
Will you have new children with me?
Absolutely, our survival depends
on out-populating the Right siders.
[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]
[SCOTTISH ACCENT] Dying in your beds
many years from now--
Give them nothing,
but take from them everything!
Inch by inch,
play by play--
We will not go
quietly into the night--
[SCOTTISH ACCENT]
They may take our lives,
but they'll never take--
ALL: Our legroom!
[ALL SHOUTING]
[EXPLOSION]
[MAN SCREAMS]
[GIANT CRAB ROARS]
You forgot one thing,
I'm from Maryland.
[GROWLS]
[JOHN GRUNTS]
[SHOUTING AND GUNSHOTS ON SCREEN]
- Whoa!
[BOTH CHEERING]
Wow, I can't believe
how well they set up the sequel.
So that crab was also his daughter?
Duh-uh. It's called
character development.
[THUDDING FOOTSTEP]
[LOW, SLO-MO VOICE]
Is that seat taken?
[WARNER SIBLINGS SCREAM]
[♪♪♪]