Arrested Development s01e12 Episode Script

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
It was Michael's sister's anniversary.
- Hi.
He'd convinced his mother to throw a party for her.
Lindsay, how's this for an anniversary cake? Anniversary? You asked me to throw a Valentine's Day party.
- Did I? - You tricked me.
I deceived you, Mom.
Tricked makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
Touché.
Lupe, untie the balloons! Michael, all alone on Valentine's Day? How's that possible? You seem like such a romantic to me.
l- l-I can just see you showing up on some lucky girl's porch in a tuxedo with a bottle of champagne.
Yeah.
Well, if I show up with all that stuff I could probably just get away with shorts and a T-shirt, right? Which is good 'cause I don't even have a tuxedo.
So you're saying there's no one you're even interested in? In fact, Michael had become enamored of Marta when Gob was having second thoughts about the relationship.
- I've made a huge mistake.
- But when Gob recommitted to her - I've made a huge mistake.
- Michael decided to do the noble thing and let her go.
There was somebody for a while, but it was too much of a brother bother.
That can't feel good.
It's fine.
I'm over it.
I'm okay by myself, you know? I really just want to focus on my family's happiness.
That's why I threw this party.
I mean, 14 years, huh? You've got to be doing somethin' right.
Well, if you call not filing for divorce "something right.
" - But I guess we keep it interesting.
- Where's Tobias? He's on the balcony having margaritas with Carl Weathers.
Tobias had recently hired actor Carl Weathers as a drama coach.
Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more the beloved comic actor? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's still plenty of meat on that bone.
You take this home, throw it in a pot.
Add some broth, a potato Baby, you got a stew goin'.
Yes, that's fine.
But I would like to focus on my acting, Mr.
Weathers.
I did give you my last $1,100.
Let me tell you a little story about acting.
I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice, with Anne Archer.
Never once touched my per diem.
I go to craft service, get some raw veggies, bacon, cup of soup Baby, I had a stew goin'.
I think I'd like my money back.
Like his father, George Michael had been nursing an impossible crush.
It was on his cousin, Maeby.
And with no one to talk to, he was looking for some kind of direction.
just give me a sign.
First one's obvious.
Okay.
He continued to look for a sign.
- Until finally - "Maybe tonight.
" What are the chances? Actually, "Maybe Tonight" was a very popular candy slogan and the chances were one in eight.
- What are you doin'? - Just tryin' to throw stuff at my dad's head - but the wind keeps taking it.
- Oh, cool.
So, I, uh I found this.
I thought it was like a one-in-a-million thing.
It just made me think of you.
- Oh, perfect.
- Trying to make my relation - I saw that.
- And Lucille found a way to force a wedge into her son's relationship.
Lucille, guess who's coming to dinner? I've invited Carl to dine with us next Tuesday.
Mother, you know I have class on Tuesday.
Oh, how silly of me.
Well, then perhaps the two of you can have dinner alone.
Oh, well, I never say no to dinner, with a beautiful lady that is.
- Do you like ham? - No.
I love it.
And the family gathered to watch a videotape George Sr.
had sent Lindsay and Tobias for their anniversary.
Hello, I'm George Bluth and for the next 45 minutes let me take you on a journey Good grief.
He sent us one of his idiot videotapes.
First this - You've seen George Bluth on videotape.
You have got to learn to be alone.
I cheated and I lied.
And I whored around.
Caged Wisdom changed my life.
Now is your chance to own the entire George Bluth Caged Wisdom library for only four payments of 19.
95.
- This was supposed to be my anniversary toast.
- Yeah.
And this was supposed to be my Valentine's Day party.
Speaking of which Lupe, where are those balloons? You want balloons? Speech, speech, speech {Joining In.]
Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech speech, speech, speech speech - Come on, speech.
- Speech, speech, speech, speech The family continued to chant, "Speech, speech, speech' for no one in particular.
- Speech, speech - All right.
Speech.
After all that, I was kinda hoping somebody would make a speech.
- Speech, speech, speech - All right, all right, all right.
I'll say something.
- Typical.
- We've all had a tough couple of months.
I think we're all really figuring out who we are and what we really need in life.
And that can be painful.
However, you can't really heal yourself until you stop living a lie, you know.
But, uh, l-I promise that we're all gonna be a lot happier in the long run.
So, on a very unusual Valentine's Day cheers to Mom and Dad, to Buster and Lucille - Don't forget my girlfriend.
- That's who I meant.
- Don't forget my girlfriend.
- That's who I meant.
To Lindsay and Tobias, to George Michael and I almost said George Michael and Maeby.
- Oh.
- Um, to Gob and Marta.
- Mmm.
- To love and happiness.
I love you all, Marta.
And Marta realized it was Michael, not Gob who had everything she had been looking for in a man.
I made a huge mistake.
I was thinking about that toast you gave at my anniversary party.
- So, I want to get a divorce.
- What? Do you think I should use our attorney, Barry, or just kind of bolt in the night? I'm leaning toward bolt in the night, but Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Lindsay, I wasn't talking about getting a divorce.
Oh, Michael.
It's time.
The man's psychologically incapable of taking all of his clothes off.
In fact, Tobias was a never-nude.
As of yet, the D.
S.
M.
-IV has not acknowledged the affliction.
I don't know, Lindsay.
I mean, who am I to judge? On the other hand, I am doing it anyway so let me suggest before you talk divorce, at least consider a separation.
- You know, you do have a kid.
- I know.
I was gonna take her with me in the night.
She's part of the bolt.
Lindsay.
All right.
I'll think about it.
- Hello? - Hey, brother.
I just want to tell you how much I enjoyed your speech yesterday.
You know, about family and and being true to ourselves.
Oh, well, I'm I'm glad it made an impact.
Yeah.
I never want to look at Mom again.
What happened? Well, I can't really talk.
She might be listening in.
Do you know she tried to set up my girlfriend with a man? This has to stop.
You know, that's not really what I was going for.
I'm a man, Mike! I'm a man.
Can I throw out this yogurt? Buster, two things.
First of all, I think it might be time for you to move out, you know? Secondly, you don't want to take any chances with yogurt, Mom.
Just let her throw it out.
- He-Hello? Who's on this phone? - Hey.
Huh? - Michael? - Hey.
- Great speech last night.
- Oh, really? What did it inspire you to do, kill somebody? Getting there.
Marta's cheating on me.
- What? - Yeah, can you believe that? That's crazy, Gob.
She's not a cheater.
If she were to cheat, I'd like to think she'd cheat - You're the cheater.
- That's how I know all the signs.
Last night she was all distant and weird.
Wouldn't let me make love to her on Mom's bed.
I don't even want to tell you what she wouldn't let me do to her in the car.
And then today, I overhear her talking on the phone about somebody all super silently.
All in Spanish.
In fact, Marta was on the phone with her mother talking about Michael.
Hermano.
She kept using this guy's name, like, "Hermano.
" Let me tell you something.
We're gonna track this "Hermano" down, and we're gonna nail him.
'Cause if anyone's gonna go out with that girl, it's gonna be one of us.
- Right.
Me.
- And I'm okay with that.
I don't get it.
Why do we have to change rooms? Cousins of the opposite gender shouldn't be sharing a room.
But that's just the point.
I mean, we're cousins.
Gender has nothing to do with it.
I mean, cousins can bunk together.
That's why they call it "bunkin' cousins.
" - "Kissin' cousins.
" - We're not kissing! That's the point! George Michael was concerned that Tobias had seen the candy heart that said "Maybe Tonight"and had figured out that he had a crush on his cousin.
Besides, I don't even care.
You said share a room with her, I shared a room with her.
Now you're saying don't share a room with her.
Fine.
I'm just doing whatever you say.
You know, the adults making all the decisions around here.
Why am I in trouble? You're not in trouble.
We're all just gonna have a more normal arrangement.
I'm gonna sleep with my daughter, and you're gonna sleep with my husband.
Buster had taken Michael's advice and decided to confront his mother.
"Because you know I don't appreciate how you treat me.
I am not a child, Mother.
" Blow.
No, Mother! I can blow myself.
And you have interfered for the last time.
Fine.
Go! Move out.
So, Buster loaded up his possessions and emancipated himself from his mother.
Oh, hey, Buster.
I thought you had class.
I thought you had class.
My brother-in-law fires you - and you move in on my girlfriend? - Come on now.
Wait a minute.
This is purely a social call.
You know, just two adults gettin' a stew on, man.
I don't know what that means, but it sounds disgusting.
Hey, Buster.
Gee, I thought you had class.
I thought you had class! I want to move in with you.
I'm tired of my mom trying to control me.
Wait a minute.
Are you sure you're doing this because you want to be with me - and not because you want to get even with your mother? - This isn't about my mother.
Besides, it's the only way I'm ever gonna get her to respect me.
Buster, this is exactly why our relationship does not work.
- Our relationship doesn't work? - Not as long as you keep getting me mixed up with your mother.
It is exactly the opposite.
I'm leaving my mother for you.
You're replacing my mother.
You need some time.
Huh? Meanwhile, Michael was following Marta to confirm Gob's suspicions about her affair.
First, he saw her buy a present at an exclusive men's store.
The trail then led Michael to the set of Marta's Spanish language soap opera.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for "Hermano.
" -? Mi hermano? Ahi.
- Mmm.
- There, in the green? Great, thanks.
Gracias.
- Mm-hmm.
"Hermano.
" - Are you "Hermano"? -? Mi hermano? Es ahi.
- That's the guy who just - Mm-hmm.
Son of a bitch.
Hey.
Marta.
I had to see you.
He moved out.
Moved out? Buster did? - I know it's for his own good, but I'm worried.
- He's gonna be fine.
I'm not worried about him.
I've never lived in the apartment alone.
- I'm not sure I'm up to this.
- All right.
Shh, shh, shh.
Listen.
I know you think I'm going after the $49 but I want I want you to watch a little Caged Wisdom.
- Not this garbage again.
- There is joy in solitude, Lucille.
Try being alone.
l-l-It just might make you happier.
Honey, my happiest times here are alone.
Hey, Bruno, any chance that the hole is available between 4:00 and 6:00? I don't even want to know what that means.
With nowhere else to go, Buster arrived at the model home.
- Buster Bluth.
- Hey, Brother-in-law.
Good news.
Carl got me an audition.
- Carl Weathers? - I think the world is about to fall in love with "Frightened Inmate #2.
" Well, at least he gave you something.
Carl Weathers took everything from me.
My entire life just came crashing down, and it's all his fault.
I will never love again.
- Hello.
- Oh, my God.
- Is everything okay? - And suddenly Buster realized Marta was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
I've been dating an old lady.
Is Michael here? - l-I don't I don't know where he is.
- In fact Michael was just returning from his day of following Marta.
Well, I lost her.
- Michael.
- Marta.
- I'm so glad I caught you.
- You caught me? - Yes.
- Oh.
First of all, thank you so much for the lovely party and for making me feel so welcome in your family.
- Yeah, sure.
- We love you! Can l Can I stay here for a little while? Everybody's already sharing a bedroom but me, Buster.
Oh, perfect.
So, I was hoping you might have some time to talk.
There's something I need - Maybe we could have dinner? - Hello.
She's at the house.
She's at the house! - One second.
- I'm gonna speak very carefully in case she's with you.
- You're right.
- Right about what? She's there? What's going on? Who's with you? If it's Marta, say "nobody.
" - Nobody.
- Well, now I don't know what's going on.
So, did you find out anything? l-I'm dying here, Michael.
- D-Did you find that guy? What's his name? - "Hermano.
" - "Hermano.
" - Is that your brother? Hmm? No.
He's upstairs, remember? Listen, I gotta go.
Somebody wants to take me out to dinner.
- Somebody? - Nobody.
- Why don't I just come in? I'm right outside.
- No, no.
Not Not a good idea.
Somebody wants to talk to me about something.
Ah, she wants to talk to you.
Got it.
For some reason women feel safe around you.
Maybe because you've only had sex four times.
Four women! Not four times! And they talk to me because I talk to them.
Look, go to dinner.
Let's get to the bottom of this "Hermano" stuff, brother.
- Yep.
Great.
- Great.
Hey, about dinner, I'd love to.
Tobias arrived at his audition for "Frightened Inmate #2.
" The competition frightened Tobias, which he felt he could use in his performance.
Unfortunately this made him more confident which frightened him again.
I'm ready.
That night, Maeby moved in to Lindsay's room.
Isn't this fun? It's like a slumber party.
Hmm.
That's it! Tell me what's up with you and Dad.
Nothing.
Nothing's wrong with your father and me.
We have a a wonderful, close relationship.
Can I let you in on a little secret? Hmm? Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.
Mom, please.
He's got a big-boy crush on Action Jackson.
I know.
How can I compete with that? Okay.
We're having a little fight right now.
But don't worry, darling.
Okay? Mommy and Daddy aren't going anywhere.
Okay.
I'm gonna go unpack my suitcase.
No! We may have to bolt.
Tobias moved in to George Michael's room.
Maeby and I were cool with each other.
And you must miss your wife.
It's practically still your anniversary.
Fourteen years of lies.
Yes, I'm the doctor.
The perfect husband.
The big manly man.
The big strong daddy.
Do you know the last time that I made love to my wife? - No.
- I'll tell you when.
- No, don't.
- See, nothing has ever been easy for us.
I mean, the only reason she went out with me was to piss offher boyfriend.
The only reason she ever married me was to piss off her mother.
And then, of course, we couldn't conceive.
So there was that famous ordeal.
Wh-What do you mean you couldn't conceive? Was Maeby adopted? What? Is she not really related to me? Is she just some girl I know? Ah, it's Carl Weathers.
Yes, Carl Weathers.
I did? That's That's wonderful.
That's Huh! I booked it! I booked the acting job! Did you hear that, Lindsay? You could have been sleeping with "Frightened Inmate #2.
" And Lucille was experiencing being alone for the first time.
Unable to sleep, she decided to watch TV.
You have got to learn to be alone.
Then she remembered that with no one to disturb she could turn up the volume as loud as she wanted.
Caged Wisdom teaches you that you have to find thejoy within yourself.
And that's when Lucille realized that shejust might like being alone after all.
The next night, Michael had dinner with Marta at her house hoping to finally get the answers he was looking for.
So, um, about Gob.
How's that goin'? Well, as you said finding out who you really are, it can be painful.
- But you can't live a lie.
- No, I can't.
But some people find a way to make that work.
Yes, but sometimes working at something it's a way to not deal with some other thing.
But he who often suggests uh, working on another thing - which when the first thing is not - Will you excuse me for a moment? Yes.
Sure.
- What the hell is he talking about? - What is she talking about? - Can I have a piece of cake? - And Michael saw an opportunity to get the information he wasn't getting from Marta from her son.
I'll tell you what.
I got I got a deal for you, partner.
I'll give you what you want if you give me what I want.
Tell me everything you know about "Hermano.
" -? Hermano? - Does your mother love "Hermano?" Si, mi hermano.
- He's here? - Shh.
He's sleeping.
- Don't go in there.
- Why? Is there something you don't want me to see? - What are you talking about? - We can keep going around in circles but maybe one of us should just come out and say what it is we want to say.
You're right.
- It's not working with Gob.
- Why doesn't he know that? You know you could have just come out and told him you know, instead of lying and sneaking around, moving on to the next guy.
I didn't think you were that kind of a person.
I thought you and I shared the same values.
I thought you and I could've been, uh No, forget it.
Eh I don't know how I had you so wrong.
You're right.
I should have told him before I invited you here.
This can never be.
Then he noticed the gift he had seen her buy.
- What does "te amo" mean? - I love you.
Hmm.
And who's in there? Mi hermano.
Brother.
I've made a huge mistake.
On the next Arrested Development.
George Michael begins an investigation.
So, you wanna go to the movies? Ow! I'll let you know when I get back from the lab.
Tobias faces his greatest acting challenge.
There's a shower scene? I have to be nude.
Well, you don't shower with your clothes on, now, do ya? And Buster rebounds from Lucille 2.
- Yo te quiero mucho.
- Yo te quiero mucho.
Te amo, Marta.
Te amo.