Axe Cop (2013) s01e12 Episode Script

FLUTE COP: Hey, Axe Cop, what are your thoughts on mayonnaise? - I tried it once, - (Game beeps, whirrs) but didn't like it.
So I spit it in a bad guy's face and he died.
- Oh yeah.
- (Rumbles) Whoa! That sounded exactly like giant rocks being thrown at little kids.
Evil Rhino Man must be back from his evil safari! Let's go! (Tires squeal) Move it, ladies! We have an evil rhinoceros to kill! We know .
We want to help you on your mission to kill evil Rhino Man.
Fabulous! What's your name? Our parents named us all the same.
First name: "Beautiful.
" - Middle name: "Girly.
" - Last name: "Bob.
" Wait, hold on a second.
Your parents named you and all your sisters "Beautiful Girly Bob"? - Yeah.
So can we be on the team? - Nope! See, right here, all girls are on the dumb list.
Dumb list? Well, let's see if you think we're so dumb after we beat you up! Beautiful Girly Bobs, attack! - (Screaming) - (Grunting) Oh no, those people just got video - of you beating up all those girls.
- Great.
More fighting tapes for me to watch later.
Now let's go kill that evil rhinoceros! Huh.
BOY: One day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
AXE COP: I will chop your heads off! - MAN: There he is! - Axe Cop! (All clamoring) Look, they're all here to congratulate me.
(Grunts) Yes, I killed the evil Rhino Man.
How, you ask? Simple.
I offered him a glass of poison blow-up juice and he drank it.
And after two minutes Well, he blew up.
That's when I jumped up in the air and caught his horn.
And yes, it's true, his horn turns all metal into gold.
- Questions? - Axe Cop, is true that you have - a general disrespect towards women? - (Cameras clicking) - What? - Axe Cop, why did you beat up a group of female superhero sisters? - Don't answer that, Axe Cop.
- Do you hate girls? - We have no comment.
- Weren't they just trying to help? - Hey, I just said no comment! - Axe Cop, my daughter's a girl.
Do you think she's on the dumb list too? - Yes.
- ALL: Axe Cop, Axe Cop! Hey, Axe Cop, I hate to say it, but you're kinda coming off like the bad guy here.
- Me, a bad guy? - (Changing channels) Don't even joke about something like that, Flute Cop, or I'll chop off your head.
Now quiet down, I'm trying to watch this gold TV.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up this season on "Fairy Wars," Best Fairy Ever fights her evil twin sister worst fairy ever - to the death! - It's true what they say: Everything does look better on a gold TV.
Seriously, Axe Cop, bringing a girl onto the team could go a long way - to helping your image.
- Fine.
Really? Great.
I'll have H.
R.
send over some resumes.
I got a better idea.
(Grunts) - (Crackles) - Hey! Hello.
You're on my team now.
Whaddaya think's going on here, bro? I mean, Axe Cop's not the kind of guy to call a meeting.
Yeah, he hates meetings.
Maybe he's going to give everyone free gelato.
That's ice cream for Italians.
Now I'm sure everyone is wondering why Axe Cop - called a team meeting.
- Please say free gelato.
- He has a big announcement to make.
- Please say free gelato! Flute Cop said we need to have a girl on the team.
- So here.
- Ho-ly cow.
Best Fairy Ever from "Fairy Wars"! I'm excited to be on the team.
And I'm ready to kill some bad guys.
Okay, great.
Meeting over.
I'll be in my office practicing breaking out of chains, - if anyone needs me.
- Wait wait, Axe Cop, - where are you going? - I have a question: - I think you're awesome! - Well, that's not really a question.
Dude, do you do all your own stunts, 'cause, um, my buddy Lliborg says it's all done with pulleys and string.
You tell me.
(Smacks) Aw-aw-aw-awesome.
It's broken for sure.
Hey, Axe Cop.
I just wanted to say how excited I am that you brought me onto the team.
Mm, Flute Cop made me do it.
So, uh, you have any plans tonight? At night I dress up as a cat - and go on night missions.
- That sounds awesome.
- Hey, could I come along? - No.
(Grunts) (Door opens) - (Clatters) Now, for my favorite part of being a jewel thief Trying on all the stolen jewelry.
Ohhhh yeah.
Oh, beautiful.
Oh, gorgeous.
- I'll chop your head - Argh! - What the heck? - Cool, right? I just flew in through his nose and punched out his brain from the inside! What are you doing here, Best Fairy Ever? I just thought we could get to know each other a little bit.
Ugh.
I'm going home.
(Chirping) Rise and shine, Axe Cop! - How did you get into my bedroom? - I flew in through the keyhole.
I'm really good at fitting into tight spaces.
What? So, boss, what bad guys are we killing today? We are not killing anyone today.
I have band practice.
You're in a band? That's so cool.
I know.
That's why I'm in a band.
We're called The Axe.
I play my axe and I'm obviously the lead singer.
Sockarang plays guitar.
Wexter plays violin.
- Grey Diamond is on bass.
- Um - What about Flute Cop? - He's our manager.
We have a Chinese wrestler on a bear to play flute.
I'm leaving now.
AXE COP: yea-aaaah! - (Rock music playing) - chicken little, chicken little thought the sky is gonna fall down Wow! Axe Cop has a great voice.
Best in the business.
Chicken little, chicken little thought the sky was falling do-ooown.
(Plays riff) - (Music ends) - (Tuning) So, Axe Cop, I've been thinking and it's about time you started calling me your girlfriend.
What are you talking about, Best Fairy Ever? I like you and it's pretty clear you like me too.
Why would you think that? I've been very mean to you since we met.
Exactly! My fairy parents always told me that when a boy is mean to you, it really means that he likes you.
And you've been so mean that I think it's pretty obvious that you're in love with me.
- It's almost embarrassing.
- Best Fairy Ever, I'm going to say this loudly because I want it to be very clear.
You're a girl and girls are dumb! And Axe Cop would never fall in love with a dumb person! Now go back into that TV and leave me alone forever! (Sobbing) - Hey-oh! - (Playing riff) (Sobbing) AXE COP: Gold.
Gold gold gold.
Gold.
Gold.
Gold.
Gold.
- (Beeps) - FLUTE COP: Come in, Axe Cop! Make it quick, Flute Cop.
I'm turning everything in my house gold.
- Go to your TV.
- Why? - I already turned it gold.
- One of the Beautiful Girly Bob sisters has kidnapped Best Fairy Ever and has locked her in a birdcage and is lowering her into a pit of acid sharks.
Oh, God, why did you have to make sharks so evil? Great.
Now she can't ruin any more band practices and night missions.
Axe Cop, like it or not, she's a member of the team now.
Go inside the TV and save Best Fairy Ever! Wait, if I save Best Fairy Ever, - I'll be on TV? - Well yeah! - (Beeps) - Axe Cop, you still there? Hey, Flute Cop, call everyone I know - and tell them I'm on TV.
- Anita, grab some popcorn! Axe Cop is on television! (Best Fairy Ever straining) - (Snarling) - Let me out! Axe Cop said girls weren't allowed on his team.
And if we can't be on his team, then no girl can be on his team.
- (Buzzes) - (Groaning continues) (Yells) Stop it right there, Beautiful Girly Bob.
Axe Cop? You came back to save me! - I knew you loved me! - Oh, this is perfect.
Right after I kill your girlfriend, I'm going to kill you.
(Screams) She is not my girlfriend! - (Grunts) - (Laughs) Stop.
Stop.
What are you laughing at? You can't beat up a girl on national television.
I know.
But she can! Rah! - Ha! - Bring it! - (Grunts) - Ha! (Panting, growls) Hyah! (Roars) Best Fairy Ever, you can't kill her.
She's not evil.
She's just a girl.
(Sighs) Fine.
Yah! I never thought I'd say this to a girl before, but good job.
I'm glad Flute Cop made me hire you.
Axe Cop, I love you too.
Ugh, gross.
He looks, like, 15 lbs heavier.
It's true what they say.
(Rock music playing) Chicken little was a little chicken! That was small and so young! When the sky was falling (Bass riff plays) FLUTE COP: Voice like an angel.