Better With You s01e12 Episode Script

Oh, look at that.
That couple's out with their brand new little baby.
In a couple of months, that's gonna be us.
I can't wait! Wow.
That baby's got some lungs on him.
I don't know why he's so upset.
He's wearing pajamas at a restaurant.
That is the dream.
Hi, guys.
Hey.
Sorry.
The only table they had was next to a crying baby.
Oh, not for long.
Ben and I are kinda famous for getting babies to stop crying.
Just sit back and watch the experts.
Oh.
Who's a big boy? You are! Do your fish face.
Ah.
Babies love the fish.
Huh.
Oh! Do your squid face.
Well, clearly there's something wrong with this baby.
Hi.
Sorry we're late.
Hey.
Hi.
This is nice.
The only table they had was next to a crying baby, I'm sorry That's okay.
I love crying babies.
You do? Why? And the baby just cried and cried.
It ruined our entire meal.
I'm very sorry about that.
Would taking two entrees off the bill make up for it? No, but three would.
I don't know where I'd be without someone to see this thing through I am such a mess even at my best I'm better with you Well, I guess I just disagree with you.
Look, you tip on the total.
They took three items off.
Therefore, they're not part of the total.
Besides, I kicked it up to 12%.
I don't know why everyone's so upset.
- Hey, didn't you guys go to the baby doctor today? - We did.
I mean everything's going great.
We heard his heartbeat again.
The doctor said he's perfect.
No.
I meant, did you get me one of those cream soda lollipops? You can't find them anywhere else.
I was actually kind of an overwhelming visit.
He gave us a list of things that we have to do before the baby's born.
Oh, well, here's a good tip for when you're having a baby Put a lock on the liquor cabinet.
And a lock on the closet you go to drink in.
We have to baby-proof the house.
We have to choose a guardian in case something happens to us.
You have to learn C.
P.
R.
, find someone to adopt and take care of the cat.
Wait, you have a cat? Yeah, he's a stray who was coming around, and we started feeding him.
Plus, sometimes we dress him up and make videos of him in a cape flying across the room.
But the doctor said that he doesn't want stray animals around the baby so we have to find someone we trust to adopt him.
We named him Mr.
Meow-gi.
Because of "the karate kid.
" And because his English isn't great.
So Mia and Casey won't name us as the baby's guardian until we take a C.
P.
R.
class.
What? That's what they just said to us.
I don't remember that.
Granted, I tuned out for a second.
Which I do not do when you talk.
Were you not there? There's just so much you have to do baby-proof the house, choose a guardian in case something happens to us.
You have to learn C.
P.
R Find someone to adopt and take care of the cat.
A bunch of other stuff you didn't listen to.
And I gave the cat a really dumb name.
You don't think you're reading into this a little? No.
That's exactly what happened.
I'm a lawyer, so I have a photographic memory.
That doesn't make any sense.
But "I'm a hotel manager, so I'm really good at ice-skating" makes sense? Well, clearly we have to adopt that cat.
What? Mia and Casey said we wouldn't be named guardians of the baby unless we adopt and take care of the cat.
Pfft.
I don't remember that.
Well, if you weren't so busy constantly fishing for change in their couch, maybe you could follow a conversation for once.
There's just so much you have to do.
Baby proof the house Choose a guardian in case something happens to us.
Find someone to adopt and take care of the cat.
I'm talking now, so there is no need to listen.
We have to be that baby's guardians.
It's the ultimate honor.
It says That they trust us with the most important thing in their life.
I mean, if they didn't choose us, I'd be devastated.
I'd feel like a Failure as a mother.
We have to adopt that cat.
We have to take that C.
P.
R.
class.
I have to use the bathroom.
I don't think that's a good idea.
You and I do not take classes together very well.
Ben, please.
This is important to me.
Okay, but remember, during our scuba certification we simultaneously almost broke up and drowned.
Well, now I know you don't take someone else's air without asking.
So we get the cat.
We somehow don't kill it.
They name us the guardians.
Do you really have to prove ourselves to them? I mean, we raised two kids.
But Mia was our second baby.
The first one tires you out, so you You end up making some mistakes with the second one.
This isn't a white Russian.
Ah.
That's the stuff.
There you go, sweetie.
Well, you weren't perfect, either.
I mean, you wouldn't even read books to her.
"Would you, could you, in a boat?" Blah, blah, blah.
Oh, and it turns out, the ham tastes fine.
What about the stroller incident? Hi, we were here for lunch a couple of hours ago and I think we left a little Oh, great.
Thank you.
Yeah.
We got to adopt that cat.
We can take on thing off the list.
I baby proofed the table.
Plus, there was enough half-footballs left over for me to do this.
Is there anything you can't turn into fake boobs? Is that a challenge? Oh, God, no.
Look, I just got off the phone with Maddie.
She and Ben signed up for that baby C.
P.
R.
class.
She said that they would take the course and then teach us how to do it.
Is that weird? Yeah, I'm not the best judge of what's weird.
Good morning! We've decided to surprise you with breakfast we brought bagels.
Thanks.
Okay, these aren't bagels.
This is just a half a loaf of bread.
Oh, hey.
It's all made out of the same stuff.
I'm not paying extra for a hole.
Look, your father and I were thinking about what you said, and we want to adopt your cat.
Great.
Thank you so much.
Uh, just a heads-up There's a 40% chance he's pregnant.
Is there anything you can't get pregnant? Is that a challenge? Are you sure you guys want to deal with that kind of responsibility? Well, we just we want to help.
You can't raise a baby with a feral cat running around.
It's true.
You can't raise a cat.
Let us take him off your hands.
Here you go.
Why is he in a paper bag? I don't know.
That's just where he was.
Don't worry, we will take good care of him.
All you need to know is he is afraid of thunder, he will fight with scented candles, and watch him around the food.
He's a stress eater.
Don't worry.
Leave it to us.
Leave it to us.
Wow! Well, that was nice of them.
Yeah, yeah, super nice.
They pretty much just came over here and told us to our faces that we're gonna be lousy parents.
I don't I'm sorry.
When did they say that? Did you really not notice that? Of course we want to help.
You can't raise a baby! You can't take care of a cat.
Let us take him off your hands.
I smell like free locker-room cologne.
They don't trust us to raise the baby.
Or maybe they just wanted a cat.
Open your eyes, Davenport.
We're being judged, okay, and not just by my parents.
That's probably why Maddie and Ben are taking that C.
P.
R.
class.
They don't trust us, either.
I really don't think that's what's going on here.
Look, I know my family, okay? They think that I'm still that flaky, irresponsible girl that I was six months ago, before I accidentally got pregnant.
But, you know, I'm gonna show them that they're wrong.
How? We're gonna get the cat back, we're gonna give it a great home, and and we're gonna take that C.
P.
R.
class ourselves.
Is this one of those things where if I don't get on board right now, you are gonna keep bugging me every five minutes? Oh, yeah.
Great! I am on board.
One, two, three, four! Damn it, baby, fight! Thank you! For that very enthusiastic demonstration of how to Murder a baby.
Why don't you have a seat, Ben? Okay.
You're gonna ask for volunteers again, yeah? Didn't ask for volunteers that time.
Did you think I did it too hard? Not if a baby broke into our house and was trying to kill us.
Now I want to walk you through some baby emergency scenarios.
I want you all to picture for a moment that Are you eating my doughnut? Oh.
I thought these were for the class.
There was one doughnut.
Oh, great.
Now I'm gonna pass and you're not.
You're not gonna pass.
He hates you.
I'm inquisitive.
Teachers love that.
Now scooch over.
You're taking up too much of the mat.
I am taking up half the mat.
You taking the 5/8 of the 3/4 of the mat easily.
Guys! Do you mind? Sorry.
Now I want you to picture yourself at a family gathering where your baby plays quietly alone in the next room.
Yes.
Ron, Maddie Putney.
Quick thought.
What kind of family gathering is this where everyone's ignoring the baby? I don't know.
It's just an impromptu gathering.
So you go into the next room to get your baby, and you realize he's found a peanut on the ground and swallowed it whole.
Ron, logic question.
If the gathering is impromptu, who thought ahead to bring the peanuts? Got him.
It was your stupid "logic question" that got us kicked out of that class! What, me? You're the one that beat up the baby.
I did what I had to do.
That baby was choking! It was a fake baby! It wasn't fake to me! Ugh.
So we didn't pass the C.
P.
R.
class.
We're still gonna be the guardians.
I mean, what other options do they have? Can we borrow your heating pad? We want to make this little guy comfortable.
Is that Mia and Casey's cat? And why do you have him? We adopted him.
He's your new brother.
Wait, you adopted him? Oh yeah, we adopted the crap out of him.
Now Mia and Casey are gonna make us guardians of the baby.
No.
Wait, wait.
They told us if we took a C.
P.
R.
class, we'd be the guardians.
Well, they told us if we took the cat, it'd be us.
So they pitted us against each other in some kind of cutthroat guardian competition? Ohh.
I don't think it's much of a competition.
An unmarried couple with no child-rearing experience? I'm gonna call that "unlikely.
" Well, they're not gonna give it to you, because you don't have as much time as we do.
We can raise that kid until he's 50.
I don't see it, you're both so busy.
Maddie, you're a lawyer.
Ben, you work at a motel.
Ho! Ho-tel! It's a hotel, and you know it! Ohh.
We will end up with that baby, but don't worry.
You can visit him on grandparents' day at school.
No, no.
We will end up with that baby, and you can visit him on aunt and live-in boyfriend day! Oh, no, no.
Wait.
That doesn't exist.
You two have no shot! Come on, Joel.
"Aunt and live-in boyfriend day.
" Great zinger, honey.
You know, they're right.
They do have more experience than us.
I really want it, but maybe they are the better choice.
They've already raised children.
They obviously did a fantastic job.
I mean, look at me.
I don't think we have to worry about the guardianship going to them.
Why not? Ohh.
It's my brother.
Okay, we need to do well in this class if we're gonna convince my family that we know what we're doing, okay? So we should pay attention.
You think that doughnut's for everybody? All right, everyone, before we get started, let's go around the room and introduce ourselves.
I'm Ron, and I'll be your instructor.
Oh! Hi.
(Laughs) Yeah, my name is Mia Putney, and this is What did you just say? I said, "I'm Mia Putney.
" Any relation to Maddie Putney? Yeah! She's my sister.
Get out.
Damn those two.
I mean, how are we supposed to compete with Maddie and Ben? They're young, successful, full of energy.
Not slowed down by a wonky hip and hot flashes.
Oh, let's just face it, Joel.
They're an orphan's dream come true.
Look, we just have to be positive.
We can't worry about them.
All we can do is focus on being the best cat parents we can be.
Where's the cat? Oh, God.
Where did we have lunch? It's Mia and Casey! One second! We're naked! Okay.
We'll wait as long as it takes.
Okay, look, we didn't get the C.
P.
R.
class done, but at least we're gonna get our cat back.
You think he'll remember us? Yeah, I don't know if that's how cats work.
Eh, to be fair, you also said they couldn't fly.
Come on in.
Oh, hey.
You get dressed fast.
Oh, thank you.
So, uh, we decided that we want to keep Mr.
Meow-gi, so we want him back.
No.
No, you can't have him.
We we can't? Why not? Because because he is getting a massage.
That's right, at at that New cat massage parlor that recently opened.
Yes, it's called Heavy petting.
But it's it's unlisted, so you can't look up the phone number.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and it's mobile, so you can't ever find them.
Yeah, so we'll call you when they bring him back.
Bye! Oh, we have got to find that cat.
What color was he again? Okay, we're all set.
We've got the litter box, the scratching post, the personalized food and water bowl.
I'm glad we're doing all this for Mr.
Meow-gi, but the doctor gave us a pretty big list of stuff we should be doing for our actual baby.
We rescued your cat.
Mom and dad forgot him at our place, but, look, don't take it out on them.
You've gotta understand.
They're getting older.
Mm-hmm.
They forget things, you know, especially small things.
Sometimes it's their keys.
Sometimes it's just a helpless bundle of joy Who's digging his claws into my nipple.
But we were just with mom and dad.
They said that they had him.
Oh, well, there are two unpleasant possibilities.
Mom and dad lied to your face, or they have double instantaneous dementia.
Either way, I wouldn't trust them to guardIan anything.
Oh, that's ok.
We want the cat back.
Are you sure? Yes! Why does no one trust us? We brought Mr.
Meow-gi home.
But he's right here.
Oh, she meant we came by to say hi to or favorite kitty.
Ditch the other cat.
Nice try.
They left the cat at our apartment.
Irresponsible.
No, they stole the cat.
That's what happened.
No, you left it at our place and haven't even realized it.
Like you left Mia in that restaurant when she was a toddler.
You left me at a restaurant? Oh, you really wanna play this game? Because you are going to lose.
When you were a baby, Maddie pressed your soft spot until you cried.
She called it your crying butt.
Mom and dad were so cheap they would wait for your friends to have birthday parties and then just tell you it was yours.
It's not bad luck to have your own name on your birthday cake? Maddie used to write things backwards and tell you you were dyslexic.
Dad once forgot your car seat and just strapped you into a laundry basket.
When Maddie was 6, she was babysitting you, and she gave you a bath in chocolate milk.
Mom and dad let me babysit you when I was 6.
You guys really did all that stuff to me? What's that? The cat's choking on a packing peanut! Oh, my God! Family gathering! Unattended little one.
Peanuts! Ben, it's go time.
Don't worry, everybody.
Mr.
Meow-gi is going to be just fine.
He sure is.
Is there a mucus-covered styrofoam peanut in my hair? Oh.
No, you're good.
You know, guys, thank you so much.
Oh, hey, if we can save just one stray cat then taking half that class was worth it.
No, I mean, thank you for showing me that I didn't need to be worried about being a good parent.
You guys did all that horrible stuff to me and I turned out okay.
You shouldn't have been worried.
You're gonna be a wonderful mom.
Well, I wish you would've told me that instead of freaking me out.
I've been running around all over the place trying to prove myself.
No, you had all of us running around trying to prove to you that we would be good guardians.
Why would you do that? Because we both really wanted it, and you pitted us against each other in a cutthroat guardian competition.
We didn't do that.
Yeah, you did.
You told us in a very clear and pointed way.
It bordered on rude.
Well, we would never be able to choose just one of you to be the baby's guardian.
That's why We chose all four of you to be his guardians.
Really? Ohh.
Mia, we won't let you down.
Aw.
Boy, wish I would've known this before I spent 200 bucks on a high-end cat stroller.
And stole a cat from the McCutchens on the second floor.
Look, this baby is the biggest thing to happen in this family in a long time.
It's no wonder everybody's freaking out.
Yeah, I mean, and even if nothing happens to Casey and me, this baby is gonna need all of you.
I mean, dad, you're a financial planner.
You can help him with his math.
And mom you can read to him.
I used to love it when you read to me.
Maddie, you can help teach him how to build forts.
You used to build the best forts when were kids.
Remember the *** And, Ben, you could Take him to your hotel, I guess.
Ho-tel! Oh, no, no.
You said "hotel.
" I'm sorry.
I just I'm very sensitive.
Well, we should make a toast to the baby.
Aw.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'll have a white Russian.
Why did you tell them that they could be the guardians? I thought we decided that my half brother the pediatrician and his wife would do it? Well, we did, but, I mean, I didn't know what else to do.
They all wanted it so badly.
Aren't they gonna be angry when they find out they're not? I don't know.
Maybe.
But who cares? We'll be dead.
You never know how you're gonna react until you're faced with that situation.
But something kicks in.
Time freezes, and it's just you and a cat.
I'm sorry.
Did you say "a cat"? Ron, please hold your questions till the end.
The only reason I agreed to let you speak to the class is because you said you saved a life.
Yeah.
We didn't just save one life.
We saved nine.
Now we have a surprise guest with us here today, so you're in for a special treat.
Joel Putney the man who witnessed us saving the cat.