Big Nate (2022) s01e12 Episode Script

1
- Blinded by passion,
Antony and Cleopatra embarked
on an affair so scandalous
it rained chaos
and destruction
upon all in their wake.
- One minute to sweet,
sweet freedom.
- Wanna come to the arcade
with us?
- I'll actually already
be there with my dad.
We're having
some father-son time.
- Zip it!
- So today's
Teacher Appreciation Day,
and ironically enough,
it is awesome.
It's a half day.
And best of all,
no demon-boy, Randy.
- Hey, booger breath.
- Gah!
- Nate!
- Randy kicked--
- Zip it!
- [groans]
Randy is P.S. 38's
resident jerk
and the turd
in my personal punch bowl.
He's been a total whack job
since kindergarten,
but I've never once seen him
get in trouble.
Not once!
It's super annoying.
Ah!
[school bell rings]
It's a half day
They can't make us stay
Get to go and play
The arcade's gonna
be cray cray
Ah!
- Did you have
a nice trip, loser?
- Nate Wright!
- What?
I--I didn't do anything.
- To Principal Nichols'
office now!
- [chuckling]
- You too, young man.
- I didn't do anything.
Ah!
- [groans]
Way to go, Randy.
Now you blew up
your own afternoon too.
You happy?
- I wasn't gonna
do anything anyway.
- [chomping]
[all chomping]
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay
Detention again
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Big Nate
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- [panting]
- Dad, you look like a dog
waiting for the mailman.
What's up?
- Nate will be home
any minute for father-son
bonding day!
Ooh, you wanna join?
Father-spawn bonding day
would be even more
"copasetic" as the kids say.
- Hard pass.
- I get it.
You're growing up.
You don't wanna hang
with your old dad anymore.
You have a life.
- Maybe it's time for you
to have a life too.
Have you ever thought about,
you know, starting to date?
- I--well--yeah,
I mean, I've tried.
Ooh, I love how full
of compliments you are.
Are you up for meeting
in real life?
- [incoherent garbling]
- Uh, wait a sec.
Are you catfishing me?
- [incoherent garbling]
- So did you grow up in Maine?
- Uh, sor--sorry. What?
- Hey, hey.
My eyes are up here.
Stop staring at my chest foot.
- Ah!
[cell phone ringing]
- Hey there, Principal Nichols.
Whatever Nate did,
I'm sure it was an accident.
- [incoherent speech]
- I'll be right there.
- [groans]
- Don't worry, bud.
I'm sure this is all
a misunderstanding.
- Marty, always a pleasure.
No sign of Randy's mom,
Barbara, eh?
- Well, guess she's not coming.
Oh, well.
- Sit tight.
Randy's mom probably just got
stuck in traffic or something.
- Nah, she's always late.
She doesn't believe in time.
- Ooh, I like it like that
- [gasps]
- Oh, I am so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Randy's armadillo
had an iffy tummy
so I had to stop
for fresh termite kibble.
[laughs]
Here I go rambling on
about the trials
of single parenthood.
Surely a handsome guy
like you is happily married
and wouldn't understand.
- I'm not happy or married.
Did you say handsome? Nate,
please tell Randy
you're sorry for your part
in this little kerfuffle.
- Wait, what?
[groans]
[sarcastically]
I am so sorry, Randy.
- Good enough.
Got to run.
Party in the teacher's lounge.
- Now on to the arcade.
- Ah, Nate,
you can head to detention now.
- Wait, wh--what?
How was this
not the punishment?
- Surely there's some leeway?
- Marty, at P.S. 38,
rules must be followed.
Which reminds me.
Spit out that gum.
- Sorry.
- Oh, all better now,
love nugget?
- Almost.
I'd be really better
if I could go to the arcade.
- [growling]
- Of course, my lil' dumpling.
You've had a hard day.
Here's some pizza money.
- [growling]
- No big deal.
I'm sure we've got
[choking up]
Many years of father-son
time ahead, right?
- [groans]
Sure, whatever.
- Say, Martin, just 'cause
Sonny Boy's not available
doesn't mean Daddy can't
have fun.
- Uh, when you say "Daddy"
you mean me, right?
[romantic music]
- [giggling]
- [chomping]
- [laughing]
Why, Martin,
who is this gorgeous creature?
- Barbara,
this is my daughter, Ellen.
- My dear,
you are breathtaking.
I'm stunned.
- I'm sorry.
Who are you again?
- [laughs]
I'm Barbara.
I'm dating your father.
both: You are?
- Ellen, you and I must
have a girls' day
sometime soon.
Maybe hit the spa,
have a mani-pedi?
- For real?
I've never been to a spa
or had
a professional mani-pedi.
My dad says stuff like that
is a waste of money so--
- Money, shmoney.
Stick with me, honey.
both: [sigh]
- Hey, loser.
Have fun in detention?
[laughing]
The arcade was dope.
- [growling]
- Too bad you couldn't go.
I got mad swag.
- Oh, cool.
I had toys like that
when I was a baby.
- They aren't babyish.
I stole them!
- Ah!
- Listen up, scrub.
Dad has a date over.
- Oh!
- Mess this up and I will
bury you in the backyard
with that hamster
that you had in second grade.
- He had a name, Ellen.
It was Sir Gnaws-A-Lot.
And I don't believe
for a second that dad had a--
[laughter]
- Oh, Martin.
You're the funny one.
- You're the funny one.
- You're the funny one.
- [baby voice]
You're the funny one.
- Ugh.
- Hi there, darlin'.
I was just telling your dad
how I'd love
to take our two families
out to dinner.
I'm sure Randy would love it.
- Ah!
- Oh, yeah.
I would love that.
- [screaming]
- [grunting]
[snails squealing]
- Oh! I didn't order escargot.
both: Mmm.
[kissing noises]
both: Can I be excused?
Never mind.
- Go ahead.
You two should bond.
I have a feeling that you boys
will be spending
a lot more time together.
[both grumbling]
- It's so exciting to eat
food that's not expired.
Oh, sugary sweets.
Can we get dessert?
- Oh, honey, Barbara's already
spent
a small fortune on dinner.
- Oh, honey, get the dessert.
Worrying about money
is no way to live.
- Haha! Preacher meet choir.
You know, I still don't know
what you do
for a living, Barbara.
- Funny you should ask,
because I was just thinking
you're the kind of guy
who might be interested
in joining my business venture.
- You have your own business?
That is so cool. What is it?
- Gluten-free water.
- Gluten-free stuff
is so huge right now,
and so is water!
- Oh, I don't know
much about water
or gluten
or business.
- Oh, my God. It's so easy.
You just buy $1,000 worth
of product upfront.
- Hey, is anyone
else's back sweaty?
- [chuckles]
I like you.
[lightning crashes]
- Count me in.
- Huh?
- You coming, dork?
- I don't think we're supposed
to be in here.
- Who cares?
- Ugh.
- [chuckling]
Don't flinch!
- Dude, come on.
We're gonna get busted.
- You're with me, wuss bag.
I never get in trouble.
- Hey, did you lick this one?
- Nah.
- Hmm.
- Just kidding.
I licked it!
- [screams]
- [humming]
- [chuckles]
Oopsie daisy.
Silly me, I forgot my wallet.
What?
[laughs]
Mom brain, am I right?
- Haha, totally.
Uh, it's okay.
My dad will pay.
Like you said, he'll be rolling
in the gluten-free dough
in no time, right?
- Y--yeah--yes.
Yes. That--that's true.
[groans]
[wincing]
- Hmph. These children were
in our closet consuming copious
culinary confections
and creating chaos.
- Aw, put the damages
on our tab.
- Wait, what?
- A small price to pay
for the boys
getting along, right?
- [laughs nervously]
Yes. Yes, I--
I suppose the boys bonding
is the most important thing.
- [growling]
Hmph.
- [laughs]
- Whoa, hold the phone.
So as long as I'm bonding
with Randy,
I can do whatever I want?
Uh, game changer.
- What are you doing to my car?
- Oh, we're combining
our hobbies.
Mine's art,
Randy's is vandalism.
I thought you wanted us
to bond.
- Oh, that's right.
Yeah, well just keep doing
what you're doing.
both: Cheese ball pit!
- You're destroying the carpet.
both: Bonding.
- Oh, well sorry to interrupt.
Carry on.
- You'll have to get rid of
most of your clothes, Martin.
They remind me
of my loser ex-husbands.
Too Patrick.
Too Larry.
Ugh!
Too Ichabod.
- You had a husband
named Ichabod?
- Oh, this needs to change.
Ah, much better.
[both laughing]
- Nate.
Nate, keep calm.
Randy is behind you
and he's got a weapon.
- No, no, no. He's cool.
Um, I invited him.
- Were you guys
playing baseball?
- Nah, we just like
whacking stuff.
Show 'em, Nate dawg.
- [grunting]
[both scream]
[glass shattering]
- Oops.
Ah, sorry.
I didn't see that there.
- It's cool, at least it was
in the giveaway pile.
We're donating stuff my uncle
doesn't want anymore
- Ooh!
- To orphans.
- Dibs on the eyes.
[growls and laughs]
[all scream]
What?
I collect eyes.
- Of course, you do.
- May we have a word, please?
- Hey, I know your parents
are dating,
but you shouldn't hang out
with Randy on purpose.
I'm starting to think
he might be a serial butthead.
- You don't get it.
He never gets in trouble.
He's, like,
totally untouchable.
And as long as I'm with him,
so am I.
- Who cares?
As long as you're with him,
people will think
you're a butthead too.
- Nah, they'll think
I'm awesome 2.0.
both: Wah!
- We'll just go
chill somewhere else.
Hey, Randy,
let's get out of here and--
all: Ah!
- Check this out.
- [screams]
- Yeah, you got to leave, man.
Don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here.
- Whatever.
Come on, Nate.
Let's just go to my place.
I'll let you pet
my roadkill collection.
- Yeah, no.
I think I'm gonna stay here.
- [grunts]
Whatever. You guys are bogus.
I only came here to be polite.
Randy out.
Whoo-hoo!
- Sorry.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Randy's a few slices short
of a loaf.
I don't think he has any
friends that aren't in jail.
- Hey, what are you gonna do if
he and his mom
move in with you or something?
- Pfft.
[laughs]
Come on.
That's not gonna happen.
- [incoherent garbling]
- Hey, champ. Make sure
you're home tomorrow night.
I'm planning
a very special dinner.
[chuckling]
- Oh, let me guess.
Randy's coming.
- Yep, and you better
get used to it.
I found a ring
on Dad's dresser.
He's gonna propose!
[squeals]
We're gonna have
a new mom and brother.
- No!
- Look who's come crawling back
for another spoonful
of Rand sauce.
My dad--proposing--
probably tonight.
We have to stop this or we'll
be stuck together forever!
- Ah! I can't be stuck with
you!
You smell like butt.
- Randy, there's no time.
We need a plan
to drive our parents apart.
- Like botched plastic surgery?
- What's wrong with you?
- If you really wanna know,
I have it written down.
- Wh--no.
Look, we just have
to make them see
that they're wrong
for each other.
Uh, quick.
What food does your mom hate?
- Bone marrow,
organ meat, yams.
- Perfect. I'll tell my dad
to make his signature
yam burgers tonight.
- Okay. Ah!
And I'll--I'll fart
at the table
and pretend it was my mom.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you--you do you, man.
- A little bird told me
you're crazy about yams.
- Oh, I actually loathe yams.
[both giggling]
Because I've never
had them prepared
so magnificently.
This is the best dish
I've ever had,
my lil' cheffy-weffy.
- [farts]
Ew, Mom.
- How rude.
- Ew, Nate, gross.
- It wasn't me.
- [farts]
[chuckles]
- Nate, excuse yourself
and use the restroom.
- Ah, it wasn't--
ugh!
Excuse me.
Hey, what other kind of stuff
makes your mom totally cringe?
- Weak and fearful men.
- Oh, easy. I know just how
to bring my dad to his knees.
Come on, follow me.
- So Chloe was hanging out
with this guy, Preston,
but then she met
this other guy, Xander
- Ah!
- And he was so like--
- Ooh!
- Ah, gnarly.
This one has teeth.
- Dude, get your hand
out of my mouth.
- Ah, the sweet sounds
of raccoon mating season.
- So it turns out that Preston
and Xander are twins
and Chloe had no idea
and everyone was, like,
so mad,
but now she's seeing this guy--
[screams]
- Ahh!
Ahh!
[screaming continues]
- [screaming]
- Something about killing
little creatures
makes me feel so bold,
so powerful, so--
[growls]
[laughs]
- Barbara, that was incredible.
- I am going to go shower.
Nobody flush.
- You're my hero.
[romantic music]
both: Mmm.
[kissing noises]
- [yelling]
Their love is like
a zombified corpse.
Every time we try to kill it,
it just comes back stronger.
What'll we do?
- Is that your circuit breaker?
[whack]
[electricity crackles]
- Uh, dude,
what's that supposed to do?
- Ah, the dark is scary.
Duh.
- Yeah, well they don't
look very scared.
- I swear
I paid the electric bill.
- Candlelight is so romantic.
What a perfect evening, Martin.
- I must say I'm never happier
than when I'm with you.
both: Mmm.
- Uh, hey, Dad,
can Randy and I go for a walk?
You know, to bond?
- Sure, champ,
but a quick one, okay?
It's a very important night.
[chuckles]
[growling]
- [giggling]
- I'm thinking
we bulldoze your house.
My cousin knows a guy.
- You really are horrible,
aren't you?
Like, like, it's not an act.
You really are, like,
a legit awful human being.
- Why are you being nice to me?
- [groans] Oh!
My life blows.
But my dad's
never been happier.
If we break up my dad
and your mom,
he'll be just destroyed
and I'll go to prison
for something you did--
bulldozing my house.
- Dude, I was kidding.
Bulldozing houses
is for toddlers.
I wanna do something nuc-ular.
- [groans]
[sobbing]
Why is this happening to me?
- Hm.
[grunting]
- You're shaky.
Are you okay?
- This is a very special night,
and I just want
to keep my mojo going.
I-I need you kids by my side,
but Nate and Randy sure are
taking forever on their walk.
- Okay, well maybe try
to put a little mood music on.
You know, try to relax.
- Great idea.
[cell phone dings]
- Hm? Dad, where's the pic
of Nate and me on your phone?
- Oh, uh,
Barbara likes that pic better.
[folk music playing]
- [humming]
- [laughing]
This music is a joke, right?
- Huh?
But this is my favorite album,
"Organic Eggplant"
by Todd & the Peapods.
Don't you like folk?
- Are you kidding?
I'd rather stick forks
in my eyes.
It's nothing
but smooth jazz for me.
Everything else is garbage.
- Smooth jazz. Smooth jazz?
No one listens to smooth jazz
on purpose.
It's something you're
forced to listen to
when you're at the dentist
or on hold with the IRS.
- Well, only losers and hippies
listen to folk music.
Are you a loser, Martin?
'Cause you don't have enough
hair to be a hippie.
- Don't talk that way
to my dad.
So what if he's old and--
and he's bald--
- Ing. Balding.
And no one said I was old.
- But he is not a loser.
He is a great guy.
- Oh, honey, come on.
We girls got to stick together.
Ah! Look at this poor
shell of a man.
You deserve better.
- Well, I don't want better!
- Not sure that came out
as intended,
sweetheart, but thank you.
- [growling]
Fine. Fine.
I can see I made a mistake.
- Actually, Barbara,
the mistake was clearly mine.
You should go.
- My pleasure.
Oh, and P.S.,
your yam burgers taste
like goat poop.
Also, bald men give me the--
[gags]
Dry heaves!
Ugh!
Barbara out!
Yeah!
- Ugh, I can't believe
we're gonna be brothers.
- It's worse for you,
so I don't care.
- Ugh!
Wait, how's it worse for me?
- You got to live
with someone you hate.
- Um, hello?
You hate me too, remember?
You're always messing with me.
- I only mess with people
who don't like me,
so it's your fault.
- Yeah, well, maybe if you stop
messing with people,
they'll like you.
- Hmm. Nah.
- [groans]
- Ugh, come on, love bug,
we're leaving.
- Ooh! Oh, yeah!
Trouble in paradise.
Smell you later, pant load.
[laughing]
[car horns honking]
[indistinct yelling]
- I thought I loved a woman
I thought that she loved me
But I guess our love
wasn't meant to be
So Barbara you do you
But I gotta do me
Ooh, I just realized
all water
Is gluten-free
Ooh
- Dad, what happened?
Are you okay?
- Yep. I dodged a bullet.
Hey, what do you say we do
our father-son
bonding day tomorrow?
- Oh, uh,
yeah, I already made plans
with Dee Dee and Teddy.
I've been a pretty bad friend
lately so I shouldn't bail.
- I get it.
My boy's growing up
Wants to hang out
with the guys
So I'll stay home alone
Eating chicken pot pies
- I'm free tomorrow.
Are you up for
a little father-daughter time?
- Really?
We can go anywhere you want.
It's totally up to you.
- It's gonna be copasetic
- [laughs]
I'm so excited.
[laughter]
- Why so slow, Dee Dee?
You got a flat?
- You should talk, bruh.
Just lapped you again.
Booyah!
- Look what I got.
- Uh. Let me guess.
You stole 'em.
- Nuh-uh, I earned these guys.
- Oh.
Okay, well, congrats.
- Here, Teddy,
for your uncle's charity thing.
Peace out, losers.
- Seriously, man?
Huh. Thanks.
- Uh, Randy, hey.
That was, um--
that was pretty awesome of you.
Hey, you know what?
You wanna race with us?
Maybe you can take down Teddy.
You know, he's a beast.
- Nah, I got to go.
My mom wants me
to meet her new boyfriend.
Oh, and for the record,
I wouldn't have minded
being your brother.
- Really?
- No!
[laughing]
Sucker!
See ya around, turdler.
[kids screaming]
- See ya around, Randy.
- I thought
I loved a woman
I thought
that she loved me
But I guess our love
wasn't meant to be
So Barbara you do you
But I gotta do me
I just realized all water
Is gluten-free