Blue Mountain State (2009) s01e12 Episode Script
Piss Test
What are we doing tonight, man? I think there's a sorority party tonight.
- Yeah? Will there be girls there? - Yeah.
Didn't you just hear what I said? It's a sorority party.
Good.
Just as long as there's girls there, man.
I mean, I got a lot of making up to do.
Denise had me pinned down for way too long.
You gotta relax, man.
We got at least four more years of this.
Good, 'cause I plan on taking advantage of all four of those.
Bring it in.
Circle around.
So, I had a dream last night that the NCAA is gonna be on campus in three days to conduct one of their random, unannounced drug tests.
And in my dream you guys passed with flying colors.
In my dream, you pissed Aquafina.
- Any questions about my dream? No, Coach! Let's make my dream come true.
What do you say, guys? Yes, Coach.
Okay, ass faces, drug evaluation time.
Raise your hands if you've done steroids in the last week.
Okay, good.
Now lower your hands if you've done steroids and you've done hard drugs.
Good.
Now, take a knee if you have done steroids but you haven't done any hard drugs but you have done tranquilizers.
We're screwed.
Why, because the whole team's doing drugs, or because our team captain is retarded? Take your pick.
Raise both hands if you have done tranquilizers, you have not done rabies, but you have done alcohol.
Okay, I'm sure a lot of you are freaking out about the drug test.
Well, take a chill pill.
They don't test for those.
Wait.
I'm not freaking out.
I mean, it's just beer and weed for me, so all I need is a whole lot of water and tartar sauce.
- Tartar sauce? - No, man, tartar sauce is for coke.
Orange juice and cat shit, that's for weed.
No, cat shit's for meth.
Tartar sauce is for opium.
Tartar sauce is for fish sticks! If you want to beat the drug test, there's only one way to do it.
- It's an oil change.
- What's an oil change? An oil change consists of two easy steps.
Step one.
After disinfecting the tip of your penis, gently insert the lubricated tubing into your urethra.
Oh, man.
Then pushing it down, down, down You will know you've reached your bladder once urine begins flowing out.
Step two.
Take the syringe full of clean piss and pump it into the tubing until the bladder is full.
And voila! - Come on, now! - Your oil is changed.
- I am not doing that.
- Yes, you are.
Team captain rules.
Look, don't drink or do drugs for three days.
How hard could it be? A cleanse.
I love it.
Let's do it! It's either that or the oil change, fellas.
- Cleanse sounds good.
- Exactly.
Go, Goats! All right! Whoo! Go, Goats! Yeah! That was great, Sammy! - Thank you, girls! - You're the best! That's why I like hanging out with you guys! What's - All right, Cara! - Not now, Sammy.
- What's the problem? - There's no problem.
It's just You're a lot more huggable when you're the goat.
Yeah, you're so cute in that costume.
When you take it off, It just kind of ruins things.
Okay, so, let me get this straight.
This is okay? - It makes me want to snuggle you.
- Okay.
Okay.
All right.
And this Not so much? No.
It makes me wish you were someone else.
All right, girls, give me hugs! I'll tell you one thing.
This head is not coming off.
So what do we do now? Do we talk to each other? What do we do? Hmm? Oh, hey, guys, quick question.
I'm gonna go to the grocery store and get some tartar sauce.
Do you guys want any tartar sauce? No? No.
It's cool.
- What? - Keep doing what you're doing, losers.
Harmon, seriously, you couldn't wait three days? - It's cleaner.
It's just how I prefer to take it.
- Does it do anything? I feel pretty lightheaded right now, yeah.
Oh! Yeah, get in there.
You know what we need? We need a ridiculous party.
Okay, here's the plan.
We party, but we stay sober.
If one of our teammates gets in trouble, it's our duty to save him.
Right? We can do this.
Bring it in! Let's do this! One, two, three! Go, Goats! This is a bad idea.
I don't think I've ever experienced a Goat house party sober.
It's almost depressing.
It doesn't have to be, man.
See, me, I'm focusing my mind on which one of these lovely ladies is gonna get the Craig Shilo lunchbox tonight.
Craig, I think you should put the brakes on a little bit.
You know? You just got out of a long, sexless relationship.
Okay, I get it.
I'm single now and you can't handle the competition.
No, that's not it at all.
I just can't stand hearing you talk about going down on women all the time.
This isn't so bad.
I feel terrific! It's the dawn of a brand-new day, boys.
Oh, shit! Yep! Brand-new day! Okay, that looks like a lunchbox situation right there.
Will you stop? Goat! Oh, go easy on the horns.
Thank you.
- What are you doing? It's the new me, Alex! Isn't it hot in there? Not as hot as it's going to be once I get these girls in here.
I finally figured it out.
Every weekend I wear this costume, and I'm loved by hundreds of thousands of people.
But the mistake I make is that for the rest of the week I take it off and I'm just regular Sammy.
Not anymore.
I'm the goat from this moment on! Hey, you ladies want to take a bath with me? - Sure! - Sure! Well, let's go! Oh, man.
Don't make it too hot though, 'cause I don't want to burn myself.
I'd just like to take a cold bath.
- Hey.
- Hi! How's it going? It's going.
It's great weather we're having, huh? I'm sorry.
It's been a long time since I've actually talked to a girl sober.
Oh! So, do you want to go somewhere and get high? Oh, good times! Yes, sir.
And that's my lunchbox.
Hello, I'm Jerry Kincaid from the NCAA.
Piss in this cup, please.
- What are you doing? - It's a prelim.
There's no way you assholes stayed clean last night.
We didn't even do anything.
If you didn't do anything, piss in the cup.
Okay, fine! I might have had a tiny, little hit of weed.
Well, well, well.
The truth finally comes out.
Right.
This is not a game! This is important team business, okay? Anybody else have anything to confess? All right, I might have eaten a pot brownie.
Or five.
I did some uppers.
And then I did some downers.
And then I chased the dragon.
I'm not proud of that.
Well, that settles it, then.
You have no time to dry out.
That leaves us one option.
We're doing oil changes.
Hold on, hold on! We're not doing oil changes, all right? Here's what we're gonna do.
We get Pee-Vacs.
- What are Pee-Vacs? - They're fake dicks, all right? The NCAA spotters, they can't even tell the difference.
We piss through these fake dicks with clean piss and then it all comes out clean.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm sorry.
Did someone just promote the second-string quarterback to team captain? I don't think so! I beat drug tests.
It's what I do.
I'll decide what's best for this team.
We're doing oil changes.
All in favor of Pee-Vacs.
All in favor of oil changes.
- Larry, seriously? - They really hurt, man.
You're all a bunch of babies! Goat! Nice.
Up top here, buddy.
Hey, thanks, guys.
Take it easy.
Oh, who's this girl here? Okay.
Take a picture.
Cheese.
Okay, thanks, girl.
Take it easy.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it's you! Take me home with you.
- What? - Take us both home with you.
Okay, let's go.
There's just one thing.
We want to be with the goat.
With the goat? - Yeah.
What you got under there, Mr.
Goat? - What are you doing? Whoa! Well, nothing.
There's definitely something inside the costume.
We want to be with the goat, so you just let us know when you can make that happen.
Gentlemen, your Pee-Vacs.
- Bingo! - Choose wisely.
Coming through.
Mascot coming through.
- They don't even look real.
They look real enough.
Right here.
- Ah, this will work.
- Yep, this works for me.
Sammy, you're not even being tested.
What would you possibly need a fake penis for? That's for me to know, and for girls to find out.
See ya.
So what's a sexy girl like you doing dealing in fake penises? I deal in whatever the people want.
Oh, yeah? Well, uh, what if I want your phone number? I aim to please.
Hey, these are great.
Okay, so how much for the piss and the piss bags? Piss isn't my jurisdiction.
I only deal in the fake penises.
And hard drugs.
Wait, wait.
No, no, no! What good are fake penises without clean piss? I don't know.
Why doesn't God appear and tell us all everything's gonna be okay? - What does that even mean? - It means I don't deal in clean piss.
See ya.
Great.
Now how are we supposed to get clean piss? The only way I know how.
Let's go.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
What the hell are we doing here? You said you wanted clean piss.
This is how I get mine.
- What? - It's time to learn the ropes, frosh.
Do you realize how bad we look right now? Dude, we look bad-ass.
Hey, little homies, I got a quezzle.
Hey, let's make a deal! You guys piss in this bag and I'll give you some Tenjamins.
- We'll do it for $30.
- Are you kidding me, ass wipe? Take it or leave it, ass wipe.
Deal.
Run! Come on! Run.
All right, goat, show us what you got.
Yeah! Hello, my name is Donna, and I'm an addict.
Hi, Donna.
And I've been sober for 17 years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There you go, okay.
Wave to Mommy.
There you go.
Cheese! Say hi to Mommy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Go, goat! - So I called her.
- Who? Fake dick dealer.
Wait.
You're dating the fake dick dealer? Jealous? Kind of.
All right, everybody, listen up.
Just a reminder, the drug testing will take place tomorrow.
Right here.
And I expect everyone is gonna pass the test.
Am I right? Yes, Coach! - Make my dream come true.
All right.
See you on the field.
Shit.
It's gone.
My Pee-Vac is gone! My Pee-Vac's gone! The test is tomorrow! Shit! Mine's gone, too.
No, no, no, no, no.
Damn it.
- What did you do with them? - I don't know what you're talking about.
The Pee-Vacs are gone.
What did you do with them? I made an executive decision.
You cut them? You cut the heads off of them? What am I supposed to do with this? The test is tomorrow! Hmm, I can think of a solution, and it's called an oil change! And it's the only real solution to this problem.
I told you from the beginning those fake dicks are too risky.
I'm the captain of this team, and I say we're doing oil changes.
Oil changes for everybody! Okay, listen up! Remember, you must empty the bladder completely for this to work.
If you need help, Larry will assist you.
Look, I don't know what to tell you.
Fake penises do not grow on trees.
Please! I will pay you double.
Huh? It'll take a couple of days at least.
- What? No, I can't There you are.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
I got something I want to show you.
No, no, I need her.
I need her.
Good thing they're not testing for pootie today, - 'cause there's no way I'd pass.
- Will you please stop that? I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Just keep drinking.
It'll dull the pain.
Yeah.
Just like that.
Aren't you gonna be late for your drug test? I might be.
But you're worth it.
Oh! You like that, don't you? That's different.
I like it.
Oh, shit! I forgot to take that balloon out after I crossed the border.
Please tell me this isn't cocaine.
Believe me, I wish it wasn't.
That's two months' rent on your face.
Oh, shit! Shit! Alex! I accidentally took drugs! It was an accident! Where's everybody? Oh, shit! Anybody? High-fives, bud! Come here! Hey, guys, you want something? No? All right.
Hey! Oh, picture time! No? Whatever.
Aw, girls, come on! This sucks, man! - Sammy! Oh, shit! - What? I need you to help me, man! - Is that a Pee-Vac? - No, it's my real dick, you idiot.
Take it.
I don't even care! I was a king yesterday! Sucks! You're missing one player, Coach.
Craig Shilo.
I'm here! I'm here! - Jesus Christ, Shilo! Nice of you to show up.
- I'm sorry, Coach.
- Time is insanely valuable.
- I'm ready.
What the hell is that? School spirit.
Everyone passes! Yes! Everyone passed! Oil change! Oil change! We did it! Tartar sauce!
- Yeah? Will there be girls there? - Yeah.
Didn't you just hear what I said? It's a sorority party.
Good.
Just as long as there's girls there, man.
I mean, I got a lot of making up to do.
Denise had me pinned down for way too long.
You gotta relax, man.
We got at least four more years of this.
Good, 'cause I plan on taking advantage of all four of those.
Bring it in.
Circle around.
So, I had a dream last night that the NCAA is gonna be on campus in three days to conduct one of their random, unannounced drug tests.
And in my dream you guys passed with flying colors.
In my dream, you pissed Aquafina.
- Any questions about my dream? No, Coach! Let's make my dream come true.
What do you say, guys? Yes, Coach.
Okay, ass faces, drug evaluation time.
Raise your hands if you've done steroids in the last week.
Okay, good.
Now lower your hands if you've done steroids and you've done hard drugs.
Good.
Now, take a knee if you have done steroids but you haven't done any hard drugs but you have done tranquilizers.
We're screwed.
Why, because the whole team's doing drugs, or because our team captain is retarded? Take your pick.
Raise both hands if you have done tranquilizers, you have not done rabies, but you have done alcohol.
Okay, I'm sure a lot of you are freaking out about the drug test.
Well, take a chill pill.
They don't test for those.
Wait.
I'm not freaking out.
I mean, it's just beer and weed for me, so all I need is a whole lot of water and tartar sauce.
- Tartar sauce? - No, man, tartar sauce is for coke.
Orange juice and cat shit, that's for weed.
No, cat shit's for meth.
Tartar sauce is for opium.
Tartar sauce is for fish sticks! If you want to beat the drug test, there's only one way to do it.
- It's an oil change.
- What's an oil change? An oil change consists of two easy steps.
Step one.
After disinfecting the tip of your penis, gently insert the lubricated tubing into your urethra.
Oh, man.
Then pushing it down, down, down You will know you've reached your bladder once urine begins flowing out.
Step two.
Take the syringe full of clean piss and pump it into the tubing until the bladder is full.
And voila! - Come on, now! - Your oil is changed.
- I am not doing that.
- Yes, you are.
Team captain rules.
Look, don't drink or do drugs for three days.
How hard could it be? A cleanse.
I love it.
Let's do it! It's either that or the oil change, fellas.
- Cleanse sounds good.
- Exactly.
Go, Goats! All right! Whoo! Go, Goats! Yeah! That was great, Sammy! - Thank you, girls! - You're the best! That's why I like hanging out with you guys! What's - All right, Cara! - Not now, Sammy.
- What's the problem? - There's no problem.
It's just You're a lot more huggable when you're the goat.
Yeah, you're so cute in that costume.
When you take it off, It just kind of ruins things.
Okay, so, let me get this straight.
This is okay? - It makes me want to snuggle you.
- Okay.
Okay.
All right.
And this Not so much? No.
It makes me wish you were someone else.
All right, girls, give me hugs! I'll tell you one thing.
This head is not coming off.
So what do we do now? Do we talk to each other? What do we do? Hmm? Oh, hey, guys, quick question.
I'm gonna go to the grocery store and get some tartar sauce.
Do you guys want any tartar sauce? No? No.
It's cool.
- What? - Keep doing what you're doing, losers.
Harmon, seriously, you couldn't wait three days? - It's cleaner.
It's just how I prefer to take it.
- Does it do anything? I feel pretty lightheaded right now, yeah.
Oh! Yeah, get in there.
You know what we need? We need a ridiculous party.
Okay, here's the plan.
We party, but we stay sober.
If one of our teammates gets in trouble, it's our duty to save him.
Right? We can do this.
Bring it in! Let's do this! One, two, three! Go, Goats! This is a bad idea.
I don't think I've ever experienced a Goat house party sober.
It's almost depressing.
It doesn't have to be, man.
See, me, I'm focusing my mind on which one of these lovely ladies is gonna get the Craig Shilo lunchbox tonight.
Craig, I think you should put the brakes on a little bit.
You know? You just got out of a long, sexless relationship.
Okay, I get it.
I'm single now and you can't handle the competition.
No, that's not it at all.
I just can't stand hearing you talk about going down on women all the time.
This isn't so bad.
I feel terrific! It's the dawn of a brand-new day, boys.
Oh, shit! Yep! Brand-new day! Okay, that looks like a lunchbox situation right there.
Will you stop? Goat! Oh, go easy on the horns.
Thank you.
- What are you doing? It's the new me, Alex! Isn't it hot in there? Not as hot as it's going to be once I get these girls in here.
I finally figured it out.
Every weekend I wear this costume, and I'm loved by hundreds of thousands of people.
But the mistake I make is that for the rest of the week I take it off and I'm just regular Sammy.
Not anymore.
I'm the goat from this moment on! Hey, you ladies want to take a bath with me? - Sure! - Sure! Well, let's go! Oh, man.
Don't make it too hot though, 'cause I don't want to burn myself.
I'd just like to take a cold bath.
- Hey.
- Hi! How's it going? It's going.
It's great weather we're having, huh? I'm sorry.
It's been a long time since I've actually talked to a girl sober.
Oh! So, do you want to go somewhere and get high? Oh, good times! Yes, sir.
And that's my lunchbox.
Hello, I'm Jerry Kincaid from the NCAA.
Piss in this cup, please.
- What are you doing? - It's a prelim.
There's no way you assholes stayed clean last night.
We didn't even do anything.
If you didn't do anything, piss in the cup.
Okay, fine! I might have had a tiny, little hit of weed.
Well, well, well.
The truth finally comes out.
Right.
This is not a game! This is important team business, okay? Anybody else have anything to confess? All right, I might have eaten a pot brownie.
Or five.
I did some uppers.
And then I did some downers.
And then I chased the dragon.
I'm not proud of that.
Well, that settles it, then.
You have no time to dry out.
That leaves us one option.
We're doing oil changes.
Hold on, hold on! We're not doing oil changes, all right? Here's what we're gonna do.
We get Pee-Vacs.
- What are Pee-Vacs? - They're fake dicks, all right? The NCAA spotters, they can't even tell the difference.
We piss through these fake dicks with clean piss and then it all comes out clean.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm sorry.
Did someone just promote the second-string quarterback to team captain? I don't think so! I beat drug tests.
It's what I do.
I'll decide what's best for this team.
We're doing oil changes.
All in favor of Pee-Vacs.
All in favor of oil changes.
- Larry, seriously? - They really hurt, man.
You're all a bunch of babies! Goat! Nice.
Up top here, buddy.
Hey, thanks, guys.
Take it easy.
Oh, who's this girl here? Okay.
Take a picture.
Cheese.
Okay, thanks, girl.
Take it easy.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it's you! Take me home with you.
- What? - Take us both home with you.
Okay, let's go.
There's just one thing.
We want to be with the goat.
With the goat? - Yeah.
What you got under there, Mr.
Goat? - What are you doing? Whoa! Well, nothing.
There's definitely something inside the costume.
We want to be with the goat, so you just let us know when you can make that happen.
Gentlemen, your Pee-Vacs.
- Bingo! - Choose wisely.
Coming through.
Mascot coming through.
- They don't even look real.
They look real enough.
Right here.
- Ah, this will work.
- Yep, this works for me.
Sammy, you're not even being tested.
What would you possibly need a fake penis for? That's for me to know, and for girls to find out.
See ya.
So what's a sexy girl like you doing dealing in fake penises? I deal in whatever the people want.
Oh, yeah? Well, uh, what if I want your phone number? I aim to please.
Hey, these are great.
Okay, so how much for the piss and the piss bags? Piss isn't my jurisdiction.
I only deal in the fake penises.
And hard drugs.
Wait, wait.
No, no, no! What good are fake penises without clean piss? I don't know.
Why doesn't God appear and tell us all everything's gonna be okay? - What does that even mean? - It means I don't deal in clean piss.
See ya.
Great.
Now how are we supposed to get clean piss? The only way I know how.
Let's go.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
What the hell are we doing here? You said you wanted clean piss.
This is how I get mine.
- What? - It's time to learn the ropes, frosh.
Do you realize how bad we look right now? Dude, we look bad-ass.
Hey, little homies, I got a quezzle.
Hey, let's make a deal! You guys piss in this bag and I'll give you some Tenjamins.
- We'll do it for $30.
- Are you kidding me, ass wipe? Take it or leave it, ass wipe.
Deal.
Run! Come on! Run.
All right, goat, show us what you got.
Yeah! Hello, my name is Donna, and I'm an addict.
Hi, Donna.
And I've been sober for 17 years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There you go, okay.
Wave to Mommy.
There you go.
Cheese! Say hi to Mommy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Go, goat! - So I called her.
- Who? Fake dick dealer.
Wait.
You're dating the fake dick dealer? Jealous? Kind of.
All right, everybody, listen up.
Just a reminder, the drug testing will take place tomorrow.
Right here.
And I expect everyone is gonna pass the test.
Am I right? Yes, Coach! - Make my dream come true.
All right.
See you on the field.
Shit.
It's gone.
My Pee-Vac is gone! My Pee-Vac's gone! The test is tomorrow! Shit! Mine's gone, too.
No, no, no, no, no.
Damn it.
- What did you do with them? - I don't know what you're talking about.
The Pee-Vacs are gone.
What did you do with them? I made an executive decision.
You cut them? You cut the heads off of them? What am I supposed to do with this? The test is tomorrow! Hmm, I can think of a solution, and it's called an oil change! And it's the only real solution to this problem.
I told you from the beginning those fake dicks are too risky.
I'm the captain of this team, and I say we're doing oil changes.
Oil changes for everybody! Okay, listen up! Remember, you must empty the bladder completely for this to work.
If you need help, Larry will assist you.
Look, I don't know what to tell you.
Fake penises do not grow on trees.
Please! I will pay you double.
Huh? It'll take a couple of days at least.
- What? No, I can't There you are.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
I got something I want to show you.
No, no, I need her.
I need her.
Good thing they're not testing for pootie today, - 'cause there's no way I'd pass.
- Will you please stop that? I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Just keep drinking.
It'll dull the pain.
Yeah.
Just like that.
Aren't you gonna be late for your drug test? I might be.
But you're worth it.
Oh! You like that, don't you? That's different.
I like it.
Oh, shit! I forgot to take that balloon out after I crossed the border.
Please tell me this isn't cocaine.
Believe me, I wish it wasn't.
That's two months' rent on your face.
Oh, shit! Shit! Alex! I accidentally took drugs! It was an accident! Where's everybody? Oh, shit! Anybody? High-fives, bud! Come here! Hey, guys, you want something? No? All right.
Hey! Oh, picture time! No? Whatever.
Aw, girls, come on! This sucks, man! - Sammy! Oh, shit! - What? I need you to help me, man! - Is that a Pee-Vac? - No, it's my real dick, you idiot.
Take it.
I don't even care! I was a king yesterday! Sucks! You're missing one player, Coach.
Craig Shilo.
I'm here! I'm here! - Jesus Christ, Shilo! Nice of you to show up.
- I'm sorry, Coach.
- Time is insanely valuable.
- I'm ready.
What the hell is that? School spirit.
Everyone passes! Yes! Everyone passed! Oil change! Oil change! We did it! Tartar sauce!