Bordertown (2016) s01e12 Episode Script
American Doll
1 Fartsocks! Oh, no, you ain't getting away this time, Coyote! (rattling, hissing) (slowly): Come back here Coy o te.
Night-y night.
(pants) Honey, I'm home! Hola, Bud! (screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Oop.
Wrong show.
SANCHEZ: Good evening, Mexifornia.
Our top story local defense contractor Industrion Industries has announced plans to launch the first ever commercial space flight.
For passengers interested, tickets are a mere $20 fillion.
That's right, fillion with an "F.
" Nope, being told that's a typo.
Holy smokes! A space flight out of Mexifornia? Ah, space.
You know, when Ralph Kramden predicted Alice would go to the moon, everyone laughed at him, but he made good.
It's a wonder more women didn't watch that show.
Aah! American Doll! American Doll! ANNOUNCER: Every little girl wants an American Doll.
We've got a doll for every girl! So come to the American Doll store today and enjoy lunch in our tea room! Or join us at our nightclub, American Doll After-school.
Now no longer admitting single men unaccompanied by children.
There! That's what I want for my birthday! Will you give me one, Daddy?! Please?! Oh, Gert, we can't afford an American Doll.
We can't even afford the ransom for your brother Eddie.
Oh, look, Bud he's growing! This ear's bigger than the last one.
The American Doll Corporation is appalling, exploiting little girls for profit.
Gert, you don't need some fancy doll.
When I was your age, I'd just make my own dolls out of stuff I found in the garbage.
I wonder whatever happened to Tampaxine.
Please, Daddy, you can afford it.
Unless you ain't the hero I thought you is.
I'm still your hero, sweetie.
Then why can't you get me the dolly? All the other girls got 'em.
Please, Daddy.
(sighs) Okay, princess.
Oh, you're the best daddy in the whole wide world! Giving kids everything they want creates the best people.
- Right, Jaden Smith? - I'm bored.
Where's my gay parents?! ERNESTO (to "La Bamba"): Ernesto's getting frisky, do, do, do, do Ernesto's making romance to make up for Losing at soccer Ernesto's making romance He punched a ref He punched a ref, he punched a ref.
Ah, sorry, but I'm exhausted.
I've been cleaning all day.
Come on, baby, you said that last night.
You know I make good money.
Maybe we should get you some help.
I don't want a maid.
Maids are for rich, spoiled Americans.
We are rich, spoiled Americans.
You don't complain about that drone making our bed every morning.
Would you also like some tacos? No, thank you.
(groans) I wish he'd stop pushing his side business.
Bud, how could you promise Gert an American Doll? You know we can't afford one.
You should be honest with her.
And tell her what, that I'm a failure who can't even afford a kid's toy? My little girl thinks I'm a prince, and I'm gonna keep it that way.
All right, time to find a discount American Doll.
I'll just search "doll, little girl, adult man buying.
" BECKY: Dad, there's a man from the FBI here for you.
Did you get Gert that doll she wanted? Do you think I'd let down my baby girl? How come she's had five birthdays - and I've never had any? - You were born on a skip day.
- February 32.
- Oh.
Well, I'm glad I finally asked.
Hey, Lisa, I heard you got me a book for my birthday.
That's so fun! (snaps fingers) Party's over for you, Reading Rainbow! (loud crash) - Hola, Bud! - Janice, did you make this princess cake yourself? Yes.
I hope nobody can tell I used an erotic cake pan.
(children shouting happily) Gift time! I want to open Daddy's first! Here you go, my beautiful princess! (pants) (gasps) What the dingus?! Uh, you know, in Mexico, an empty box is good luck.
(quietly): No, not really.
It actually presages death.
(normal voice): I'm sure she'll grow up to be big and strong.
(quietly): The box has spoken she dies tomorrow.
(gasps) Someone at this party stole your American Doll! I'm guessing it's one of these girls with a doll.
Whichever one of you has the best doll is obviously the thief! It must be you! Give me that! That's my baby! - (baby crying) - Aah, gross! You promised me an American Doll.
I thought you were my hero, but you ain't! You just a cheap liar! (Gert sobbing) I feel terrible.
I've got to make this right.
Janice, you're so beautiful.
(quiet gagging) Okay, remember, I'll buy you an American Doll, but it's got to be the cheapest one, and you can't tell your mother.
(gasps) Look at all these little baby girls! It's like a beautiful Chinese garbage dump.
Hello.
I'm Sebastian, your personal shopper.
- May I assist you? - Uh, yes, I'm here to buy a doll for my sweet angel, Gert.
I'm the guy who called ahead about the slightly damaged returned doll.
I think that was you.
You're Linda? Oh, yes.
Right this way, sir.
It's just past all these gorgeous, more expensive but far superior new dolls.
Oh, they're gorgeous! Can I get this one, Daddy, please? Sir, I have a lot of experience in these situations.
Why don't you let me talk to her? (quietly): Now's a good time to throw a tantrum.
(rumbling) I want the new dolly! (screaming) (yelling) I want, I want my dolly! Control your child.
I want, I want my dolly! (groans) This place really is evil.
Now, pick a doll for the child hostages, and let's go! (screaming) Here! Give her anything she wants! (sobbing): Just make her stop! That comes to $836.
And you'll receive e-mails updating you on your new dolly's wonderful adventures.
Oh, Sissy McClintock, you're so pretty.
But not so pretty that the voice in my head tells me to kill you.
(demonic voice): Kill her! There it is.
No! Then tease her until she has an eating disorder! Well, duh.
I love you so much, Sissy.
Finally, I have someone to watch pretend-Bravo with.
Bud Buckwald, our credit card was just declined! You spent $800 on a doll? I don't know how we're gonna pay this off! You bought Gert an American Doll? How could you fall prey to their greedy corporate agenda? My dolly was made out of a tampon! Why does Gert get everything?! Gert! Gert! Gert! What the hell is happening? Becky, it's just a doll.
Shut up, J.
C.
! You're a doll! (sobbing loudly) Hey, we were built on top of The Cleveland Show set.
Hola, Janice! Oh, hey, Ernesto.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm looking for a housekeeper.
Now that Craigslist is 100% serial killers, I have to do this.
Really? Well, you know, I'm looking for a job.
We've got some debt to pay off, and just for once I'd like to pay it instead of faking our deaths and starting over with new identities in a new town.
Mom! Phone for you! Thank you, Vince.
I-I mean, Sanford.
Now he's Sanford.
SANCHEZ: Our top story Industrion's space shuttle has its first passenger.
Hollywood celebrity Mario Lopez has purchased a $20 million ticket to travel into space.
I think I speak for everyone else who auditioned for A.
C.
Slater when I say I hope it explodes.
Mario Lopez? A Mexican has $20 million?! This is just one more sign of the Latino ascendancy in American culture.
I've always been for Latino ascendancy.
Somebody's got to trim the palm trees.
Well, Bud, in order to pay off our credit card debt, - I took a job.
- Great.
What is it? I'm the Gonzalezes' housekeeper.
What?! This is the worst thing that could ever happen! No! No! Did you also just come home to find your wife and kids brutally murdered? No.
I, uh, uh, uh Now my thing feels silly.
Janice, I forbid you to be Ernesto's housekeeper.
We are not members of the servant class.
We are firmly mid-lower-class.
No, we're the upper part of that.
We are upper-middle-lower class.
Bud, you got us into this credit card debt, and we need to find a way out.
We're lucky Ernesto is hiring.
Otherwise, we'd have to let that backpacking German in.
Hostel is open soon? Dad, there's no such thing as a servant class.
It's the modern age everyone works for everyone else! Who do you work for? I'm getting an education so I don't end up a low-life housekeeper like Mom.
Oh, Sissy, you're so sweet.
You the good kind of sugar, not the kind that's gonna cost me my foot one day.
(computer chimes) (gasps) It's an update from American Doll! WOMAN: Welcome to Sissy's update.
Sissy's been busy saving the wild kitten hordes of Wyoming.
However, she tore her dress.
Will you buy her a new one for the Cornhusker's Ball? Hey, J.
C.
, can you give me $50? Gert, those updates are a scam to get you to buy more of their overpriced garbage.
Sissy tore her dress! If you ain't gonna help, I'm gonna have take a hammer to my piggy bank.
Hi, piggy.
Ernesto, I'm not comfortable with this.
- Janice is my friend.
- So what? My best friend works for me every day.
Right, mustache? (high-pitched): I hide Ernesto's hair-lip scar.
(gasps) Mustache?! Ha! Look at us with a gringa housekeeper.
The tables have turned.
But it's annoying she has to bring her kid with her.
I'm the guest.
You have to share your toys.
You're trash.
Relax, baby.
Janice is doing great.
How's it going, Janice? These Mexican cleaning products are amazing.
I can't believe how well this Windexio works.
(Bud's voice): Janice, I finished that book you gave me.
We need to start buying toilet paper again.
(sighs) SANCHEZ: All of Mexifornia is on hand for today's launch of the first ever commercial space shuttle.
Many are here to see Hollywood's Mario Lopez, who will be joining the flight.
Mexicans are millionaire astronauts, and my wife's a cleaning lady.
That's not the American dream I was promised in that truck commercial.
(crowd cheering) With him gone, Mexifornia will belong to me, Wario Lopez! I'm a-gonna win! Finally, I'm going somewhere no one will ask me about Saved by the Bell.
Holy crap! Slater's coming! The Gonzalezes' house is so nice.
They even have separate brushes for their teeth and hair.
Would you stop talking about housekeeping for Ernesto and think about what you're not doing for us? You weren't here to answer the door yesterday, and now we're Mormons! Bud, the only reason I took a job is because you put us into debt buying Gert that doll.
Well, why'd you have to be a maid? Pretty soon we'll be wearing Ernesto's hand-me-downs.
Oh, Bud, you're overreacting.
I'll get some tea.
Oh, that's right.
We're out of milk.
I'll have to go to the store.
Oh, I can't take no more.
If she ain't gonna quit, I just got to get her fired.
Let's go! When you get a suspicious call telling you to drive across town 'cause you won a boat, you don't wait around! (tires screech) Time to mess their place up and get Janice fired.
He's got his books on a shelf instead of under a table leg.
What an idiot.
Let's see what he's got in his fridge.
Brown mustard.
There's a surprise.
(stomach grumbles) Uh-oh.
Sounds like I got an album about to drop and the first single just leaked.
(groaning) - (sighs) - (front door opens) ERNESTO: I'll be right back! I just want to wash my hands in our toilet-shaped novelty sink! Damn it, they're back! Oh, my God! Our house smells like the end of a Central American civil war! Oh, dolly, you're so pretty.
We gonna be a confusingly hot daughter and mama, like the Judds, briefly.
(computer chimes) Sissy entered an equestrian competition.
However, her horse, Sapphire, got spooked by a backfiring truck and kicked Sissy in the head.
Ooh, I'm gonna turn that horse into Korean steak.
Sissy now requires life support and round-the-clock care.
She's counting on you to keep her alive.
GERT: $500?! Don't worry, Sissy.
Mama's gonna save you.
This country would never let a poor person die from lack of medical care.
- Hola, Bud.
- Oh, hey, Ernesto.
- What's going on? - Last night, while we were out, someone broke into our home.
Oh, well, I wouldn't worry.
Whoever did it was probably just trying to get their wife fired.
Mr.
Gonzalez, can you come in here? We've found something.
Does this poo belong to you or your family, Mr.
Gonzalez? No one in our family could do that.
Maybe if we all went at the same time.
Then it must belong to the perp.
We find who did this, we find the criminal.
(quietly): Not if I eat the evidence first.
Hey, what's that over there? Good thing that didn't work.
All I got is $2.
80.
If we gonna get you better, we got to pray.
Dear Jesus, stop brushing your long gay hair and do something, you big dummy! (computer chimes) An update! I am sorry to inform you that, due to lack of payment, your doll Sissy has died from her head injuries.
Please select a funeral package.
Sissy's dead? No! (crying) Why, God, why?! Sissy's horse has injured eight other dolls, injuries for which you are liable.
You know, Gert, just because American Doll told you your doll's dead doesn't mean she is.
When I was your age, my doll was pretty pathetic, but I learned that if I used my imagination, my doll could be whatever I wanted her to be.
Well, I want Sissy to be not dead.
Can my imagination do that? Why don't you try? Sissy's dead.
But what's this? No, she ain't! She survived her head trauma 'cause she was wearing a helmet like they do in the NFL! Now she's just suicidally depressed! Oh, Sissy, you're gonna live to be 39! Good for you, Gert.
J.
C.
was right.
American Doll is evil.
Other girls need to know about this, and I'm gonna lead the way! Then I'll be honored as all other female heroes are, by being put on a one dollar coin that is eventually phased out of circulation.
Mr.
Gonzalez, do you have any idea who'd want to vandalize your home and leave a stool in your toilet? Did anyone, outside of your family, have access to the house? Yes, sir.
Janice here keeps our house clean.
Janice is my friend.
She would never do something like this.
Well, I guess we'll never find out who the culprit is.
Just like they never found out who killed the people O.
J.
Simpson killed.
Oh, we'll find the culprit.
Once the lab results come back.
Lab results? Yeah, the lab tech used to work at ABC, so you know he's good at picking turds.
ANNOUNCER: You got Fox-slammed! (chattering, laughing) American Doll mommies, listen up.
You don't have to follow the story American Doll sends you.
You got the power to make up your own story.
(whirring) She's teaching other girls to use their imaginations! (gasping) Impossible! Girls don't have imaginations! If they did, they wouldn't even let us call them girls.
They'd make us call them penisless boys! If she keeps this up, our revenue will plummet! We must stop her.
The future of the glass ceiling is at stake.
Not this one though, right? I'm so glad we were able to build this with the money we saved paying them less than us.
(chattering, laughing) And then, because of her one little lie, the whole lacrosse team went to jail.
(tires screeching) Which one of you is Gert Buckwald? I'm the C.
E.
O.
of American Doll.
I demand you girls stop giving your dolls their own stories.
The only good female storyteller is J.
K.
Rowling, which really stands for "Just Kidding, I'm actually a man.
Rowling on the floor, laughing my ass off.
" Well, you can't stop us.
Nothing is more powerful than a child's imagination.
(snaps fingers) Sissy can shoot laser beams out of her eyes! I think I can feel it! (screams) My dolly's going back in time and stopping your parents from ever meeting! Oh, no! That means Mom stayed with her previous boyfriend, DeMarcus! My dolly is magic, and she's gonna turn you all into restaurant managers! No! I'll never go back! (grunting) (shouting) You've won this round, Gert Buckwald.
But my record for fighting little girls is still a respectable 31 and 17! (tires screeching) We did it! It just goes to show, girl power can overcome any obstacle! (cheering) GERT: Five minutes later, the bees came.
Only two of us survived.
(gasps) Thanks for being here for us, guys.
Well, I just hope they catch this monster.
Little do they know I snuck in and stole the evidence.
Good job, brain.
You earned yourself a five-minute break.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Gonzalez, unfortunately the evidence was stolen.
But the perp left an unflushed poo in the station toilet.
It's Bud Buckwald.
Fartsocks! Mr.
Buckwald, you're under arrest.
Uh, that won't be necessary.
I'm not pressing charges.
Sorry, Ernesto.
I didn't like my wife being your housekeeper, so I messed up your house to try to get her fired.
I also crushed your goldfish to death in my bare hands to feel strong.
It bit my hand and escaped unharmed.
Bud, I was planning to fire Janice anyway.
I thought Maria would like having help with the housekeeping, but I guess I was wrong.
She takes great pride in making a nice home for us.
Oh, honey, that's so sweet.
You know, I'm not tired anymore, if you want to go back to the bedroom.
Honey, we have guests.
It would be impolite not to include them.
I'm sorry, Maria.
We did it again.
I promise the next neighborhood will be different.
I'm reporting live from Mexifornia, where the space shuttle carrying Mario Lopez will land in moments.
There it is! (tires screech) Wow.
J.
C.
, maybe you should go to space.
I'd only go into space to kick over the American flag on the moon.
Oh, my God! - The pilot is dead! - (crowd gasps) He must have been exposed to space radiation! What about Mario Lopez? - Yeah! What about Mario? - What about him? (growl) (crowd gasping) - (growls) - (screaming) (crunching) Oh, my God! He's a mutant! Is he different? I don't have a good memory for faces.
Damn it! I put my whole life savings into these novelty T-shirts.
(sirens wailing) We were so caught up in wondering could we send Mario Lopez into space, we never asked should we send Mario Lopez into space.
Wonder if they'll cover this on Extra.
Extra? What are you? Oh, that Mario Lopez? I love that guy!
Night-y night.
(pants) Honey, I'm home! Hola, Bud! (screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Oop.
Wrong show.
SANCHEZ: Good evening, Mexifornia.
Our top story local defense contractor Industrion Industries has announced plans to launch the first ever commercial space flight.
For passengers interested, tickets are a mere $20 fillion.
That's right, fillion with an "F.
" Nope, being told that's a typo.
Holy smokes! A space flight out of Mexifornia? Ah, space.
You know, when Ralph Kramden predicted Alice would go to the moon, everyone laughed at him, but he made good.
It's a wonder more women didn't watch that show.
Aah! American Doll! American Doll! ANNOUNCER: Every little girl wants an American Doll.
We've got a doll for every girl! So come to the American Doll store today and enjoy lunch in our tea room! Or join us at our nightclub, American Doll After-school.
Now no longer admitting single men unaccompanied by children.
There! That's what I want for my birthday! Will you give me one, Daddy?! Please?! Oh, Gert, we can't afford an American Doll.
We can't even afford the ransom for your brother Eddie.
Oh, look, Bud he's growing! This ear's bigger than the last one.
The American Doll Corporation is appalling, exploiting little girls for profit.
Gert, you don't need some fancy doll.
When I was your age, I'd just make my own dolls out of stuff I found in the garbage.
I wonder whatever happened to Tampaxine.
Please, Daddy, you can afford it.
Unless you ain't the hero I thought you is.
I'm still your hero, sweetie.
Then why can't you get me the dolly? All the other girls got 'em.
Please, Daddy.
(sighs) Okay, princess.
Oh, you're the best daddy in the whole wide world! Giving kids everything they want creates the best people.
- Right, Jaden Smith? - I'm bored.
Where's my gay parents?! ERNESTO (to "La Bamba"): Ernesto's getting frisky, do, do, do, do Ernesto's making romance to make up for Losing at soccer Ernesto's making romance He punched a ref He punched a ref, he punched a ref.
Ah, sorry, but I'm exhausted.
I've been cleaning all day.
Come on, baby, you said that last night.
You know I make good money.
Maybe we should get you some help.
I don't want a maid.
Maids are for rich, spoiled Americans.
We are rich, spoiled Americans.
You don't complain about that drone making our bed every morning.
Would you also like some tacos? No, thank you.
(groans) I wish he'd stop pushing his side business.
Bud, how could you promise Gert an American Doll? You know we can't afford one.
You should be honest with her.
And tell her what, that I'm a failure who can't even afford a kid's toy? My little girl thinks I'm a prince, and I'm gonna keep it that way.
All right, time to find a discount American Doll.
I'll just search "doll, little girl, adult man buying.
" BECKY: Dad, there's a man from the FBI here for you.
Did you get Gert that doll she wanted? Do you think I'd let down my baby girl? How come she's had five birthdays - and I've never had any? - You were born on a skip day.
- February 32.
- Oh.
Well, I'm glad I finally asked.
Hey, Lisa, I heard you got me a book for my birthday.
That's so fun! (snaps fingers) Party's over for you, Reading Rainbow! (loud crash) - Hola, Bud! - Janice, did you make this princess cake yourself? Yes.
I hope nobody can tell I used an erotic cake pan.
(children shouting happily) Gift time! I want to open Daddy's first! Here you go, my beautiful princess! (pants) (gasps) What the dingus?! Uh, you know, in Mexico, an empty box is good luck.
(quietly): No, not really.
It actually presages death.
(normal voice): I'm sure she'll grow up to be big and strong.
(quietly): The box has spoken she dies tomorrow.
(gasps) Someone at this party stole your American Doll! I'm guessing it's one of these girls with a doll.
Whichever one of you has the best doll is obviously the thief! It must be you! Give me that! That's my baby! - (baby crying) - Aah, gross! You promised me an American Doll.
I thought you were my hero, but you ain't! You just a cheap liar! (Gert sobbing) I feel terrible.
I've got to make this right.
Janice, you're so beautiful.
(quiet gagging) Okay, remember, I'll buy you an American Doll, but it's got to be the cheapest one, and you can't tell your mother.
(gasps) Look at all these little baby girls! It's like a beautiful Chinese garbage dump.
Hello.
I'm Sebastian, your personal shopper.
- May I assist you? - Uh, yes, I'm here to buy a doll for my sweet angel, Gert.
I'm the guy who called ahead about the slightly damaged returned doll.
I think that was you.
You're Linda? Oh, yes.
Right this way, sir.
It's just past all these gorgeous, more expensive but far superior new dolls.
Oh, they're gorgeous! Can I get this one, Daddy, please? Sir, I have a lot of experience in these situations.
Why don't you let me talk to her? (quietly): Now's a good time to throw a tantrum.
(rumbling) I want the new dolly! (screaming) (yelling) I want, I want my dolly! Control your child.
I want, I want my dolly! (groans) This place really is evil.
Now, pick a doll for the child hostages, and let's go! (screaming) Here! Give her anything she wants! (sobbing): Just make her stop! That comes to $836.
And you'll receive e-mails updating you on your new dolly's wonderful adventures.
Oh, Sissy McClintock, you're so pretty.
But not so pretty that the voice in my head tells me to kill you.
(demonic voice): Kill her! There it is.
No! Then tease her until she has an eating disorder! Well, duh.
I love you so much, Sissy.
Finally, I have someone to watch pretend-Bravo with.
Bud Buckwald, our credit card was just declined! You spent $800 on a doll? I don't know how we're gonna pay this off! You bought Gert an American Doll? How could you fall prey to their greedy corporate agenda? My dolly was made out of a tampon! Why does Gert get everything?! Gert! Gert! Gert! What the hell is happening? Becky, it's just a doll.
Shut up, J.
C.
! You're a doll! (sobbing loudly) Hey, we were built on top of The Cleveland Show set.
Hola, Janice! Oh, hey, Ernesto.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm looking for a housekeeper.
Now that Craigslist is 100% serial killers, I have to do this.
Really? Well, you know, I'm looking for a job.
We've got some debt to pay off, and just for once I'd like to pay it instead of faking our deaths and starting over with new identities in a new town.
Mom! Phone for you! Thank you, Vince.
I-I mean, Sanford.
Now he's Sanford.
SANCHEZ: Our top story Industrion's space shuttle has its first passenger.
Hollywood celebrity Mario Lopez has purchased a $20 million ticket to travel into space.
I think I speak for everyone else who auditioned for A.
C.
Slater when I say I hope it explodes.
Mario Lopez? A Mexican has $20 million?! This is just one more sign of the Latino ascendancy in American culture.
I've always been for Latino ascendancy.
Somebody's got to trim the palm trees.
Well, Bud, in order to pay off our credit card debt, - I took a job.
- Great.
What is it? I'm the Gonzalezes' housekeeper.
What?! This is the worst thing that could ever happen! No! No! Did you also just come home to find your wife and kids brutally murdered? No.
I, uh, uh, uh Now my thing feels silly.
Janice, I forbid you to be Ernesto's housekeeper.
We are not members of the servant class.
We are firmly mid-lower-class.
No, we're the upper part of that.
We are upper-middle-lower class.
Bud, you got us into this credit card debt, and we need to find a way out.
We're lucky Ernesto is hiring.
Otherwise, we'd have to let that backpacking German in.
Hostel is open soon? Dad, there's no such thing as a servant class.
It's the modern age everyone works for everyone else! Who do you work for? I'm getting an education so I don't end up a low-life housekeeper like Mom.
Oh, Sissy, you're so sweet.
You the good kind of sugar, not the kind that's gonna cost me my foot one day.
(computer chimes) (gasps) It's an update from American Doll! WOMAN: Welcome to Sissy's update.
Sissy's been busy saving the wild kitten hordes of Wyoming.
However, she tore her dress.
Will you buy her a new one for the Cornhusker's Ball? Hey, J.
C.
, can you give me $50? Gert, those updates are a scam to get you to buy more of their overpriced garbage.
Sissy tore her dress! If you ain't gonna help, I'm gonna have take a hammer to my piggy bank.
Hi, piggy.
Ernesto, I'm not comfortable with this.
- Janice is my friend.
- So what? My best friend works for me every day.
Right, mustache? (high-pitched): I hide Ernesto's hair-lip scar.
(gasps) Mustache?! Ha! Look at us with a gringa housekeeper.
The tables have turned.
But it's annoying she has to bring her kid with her.
I'm the guest.
You have to share your toys.
You're trash.
Relax, baby.
Janice is doing great.
How's it going, Janice? These Mexican cleaning products are amazing.
I can't believe how well this Windexio works.
(Bud's voice): Janice, I finished that book you gave me.
We need to start buying toilet paper again.
(sighs) SANCHEZ: All of Mexifornia is on hand for today's launch of the first ever commercial space shuttle.
Many are here to see Hollywood's Mario Lopez, who will be joining the flight.
Mexicans are millionaire astronauts, and my wife's a cleaning lady.
That's not the American dream I was promised in that truck commercial.
(crowd cheering) With him gone, Mexifornia will belong to me, Wario Lopez! I'm a-gonna win! Finally, I'm going somewhere no one will ask me about Saved by the Bell.
Holy crap! Slater's coming! The Gonzalezes' house is so nice.
They even have separate brushes for their teeth and hair.
Would you stop talking about housekeeping for Ernesto and think about what you're not doing for us? You weren't here to answer the door yesterday, and now we're Mormons! Bud, the only reason I took a job is because you put us into debt buying Gert that doll.
Well, why'd you have to be a maid? Pretty soon we'll be wearing Ernesto's hand-me-downs.
Oh, Bud, you're overreacting.
I'll get some tea.
Oh, that's right.
We're out of milk.
I'll have to go to the store.
Oh, I can't take no more.
If she ain't gonna quit, I just got to get her fired.
Let's go! When you get a suspicious call telling you to drive across town 'cause you won a boat, you don't wait around! (tires screech) Time to mess their place up and get Janice fired.
He's got his books on a shelf instead of under a table leg.
What an idiot.
Let's see what he's got in his fridge.
Brown mustard.
There's a surprise.
(stomach grumbles) Uh-oh.
Sounds like I got an album about to drop and the first single just leaked.
(groaning) - (sighs) - (front door opens) ERNESTO: I'll be right back! I just want to wash my hands in our toilet-shaped novelty sink! Damn it, they're back! Oh, my God! Our house smells like the end of a Central American civil war! Oh, dolly, you're so pretty.
We gonna be a confusingly hot daughter and mama, like the Judds, briefly.
(computer chimes) Sissy entered an equestrian competition.
However, her horse, Sapphire, got spooked by a backfiring truck and kicked Sissy in the head.
Ooh, I'm gonna turn that horse into Korean steak.
Sissy now requires life support and round-the-clock care.
She's counting on you to keep her alive.
GERT: $500?! Don't worry, Sissy.
Mama's gonna save you.
This country would never let a poor person die from lack of medical care.
- Hola, Bud.
- Oh, hey, Ernesto.
- What's going on? - Last night, while we were out, someone broke into our home.
Oh, well, I wouldn't worry.
Whoever did it was probably just trying to get their wife fired.
Mr.
Gonzalez, can you come in here? We've found something.
Does this poo belong to you or your family, Mr.
Gonzalez? No one in our family could do that.
Maybe if we all went at the same time.
Then it must belong to the perp.
We find who did this, we find the criminal.
(quietly): Not if I eat the evidence first.
Hey, what's that over there? Good thing that didn't work.
All I got is $2.
80.
If we gonna get you better, we got to pray.
Dear Jesus, stop brushing your long gay hair and do something, you big dummy! (computer chimes) An update! I am sorry to inform you that, due to lack of payment, your doll Sissy has died from her head injuries.
Please select a funeral package.
Sissy's dead? No! (crying) Why, God, why?! Sissy's horse has injured eight other dolls, injuries for which you are liable.
You know, Gert, just because American Doll told you your doll's dead doesn't mean she is.
When I was your age, my doll was pretty pathetic, but I learned that if I used my imagination, my doll could be whatever I wanted her to be.
Well, I want Sissy to be not dead.
Can my imagination do that? Why don't you try? Sissy's dead.
But what's this? No, she ain't! She survived her head trauma 'cause she was wearing a helmet like they do in the NFL! Now she's just suicidally depressed! Oh, Sissy, you're gonna live to be 39! Good for you, Gert.
J.
C.
was right.
American Doll is evil.
Other girls need to know about this, and I'm gonna lead the way! Then I'll be honored as all other female heroes are, by being put on a one dollar coin that is eventually phased out of circulation.
Mr.
Gonzalez, do you have any idea who'd want to vandalize your home and leave a stool in your toilet? Did anyone, outside of your family, have access to the house? Yes, sir.
Janice here keeps our house clean.
Janice is my friend.
She would never do something like this.
Well, I guess we'll never find out who the culprit is.
Just like they never found out who killed the people O.
J.
Simpson killed.
Oh, we'll find the culprit.
Once the lab results come back.
Lab results? Yeah, the lab tech used to work at ABC, so you know he's good at picking turds.
ANNOUNCER: You got Fox-slammed! (chattering, laughing) American Doll mommies, listen up.
You don't have to follow the story American Doll sends you.
You got the power to make up your own story.
(whirring) She's teaching other girls to use their imaginations! (gasping) Impossible! Girls don't have imaginations! If they did, they wouldn't even let us call them girls.
They'd make us call them penisless boys! If she keeps this up, our revenue will plummet! We must stop her.
The future of the glass ceiling is at stake.
Not this one though, right? I'm so glad we were able to build this with the money we saved paying them less than us.
(chattering, laughing) And then, because of her one little lie, the whole lacrosse team went to jail.
(tires screeching) Which one of you is Gert Buckwald? I'm the C.
E.
O.
of American Doll.
I demand you girls stop giving your dolls their own stories.
The only good female storyteller is J.
K.
Rowling, which really stands for "Just Kidding, I'm actually a man.
Rowling on the floor, laughing my ass off.
" Well, you can't stop us.
Nothing is more powerful than a child's imagination.
(snaps fingers) Sissy can shoot laser beams out of her eyes! I think I can feel it! (screams) My dolly's going back in time and stopping your parents from ever meeting! Oh, no! That means Mom stayed with her previous boyfriend, DeMarcus! My dolly is magic, and she's gonna turn you all into restaurant managers! No! I'll never go back! (grunting) (shouting) You've won this round, Gert Buckwald.
But my record for fighting little girls is still a respectable 31 and 17! (tires screeching) We did it! It just goes to show, girl power can overcome any obstacle! (cheering) GERT: Five minutes later, the bees came.
Only two of us survived.
(gasps) Thanks for being here for us, guys.
Well, I just hope they catch this monster.
Little do they know I snuck in and stole the evidence.
Good job, brain.
You earned yourself a five-minute break.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Gonzalez, unfortunately the evidence was stolen.
But the perp left an unflushed poo in the station toilet.
It's Bud Buckwald.
Fartsocks! Mr.
Buckwald, you're under arrest.
Uh, that won't be necessary.
I'm not pressing charges.
Sorry, Ernesto.
I didn't like my wife being your housekeeper, so I messed up your house to try to get her fired.
I also crushed your goldfish to death in my bare hands to feel strong.
It bit my hand and escaped unharmed.
Bud, I was planning to fire Janice anyway.
I thought Maria would like having help with the housekeeping, but I guess I was wrong.
She takes great pride in making a nice home for us.
Oh, honey, that's so sweet.
You know, I'm not tired anymore, if you want to go back to the bedroom.
Honey, we have guests.
It would be impolite not to include them.
I'm sorry, Maria.
We did it again.
I promise the next neighborhood will be different.
I'm reporting live from Mexifornia, where the space shuttle carrying Mario Lopez will land in moments.
There it is! (tires screech) Wow.
J.
C.
, maybe you should go to space.
I'd only go into space to kick over the American flag on the moon.
Oh, my God! - The pilot is dead! - (crowd gasps) He must have been exposed to space radiation! What about Mario Lopez? - Yeah! What about Mario? - What about him? (growl) (crowd gasping) - (growls) - (screaming) (crunching) Oh, my God! He's a mutant! Is he different? I don't have a good memory for faces.
Damn it! I put my whole life savings into these novelty T-shirts.
(sirens wailing) We were so caught up in wondering could we send Mario Lopez into space, we never asked should we send Mario Lopez into space.
Wonder if they'll cover this on Extra.
Extra? What are you? Oh, that Mario Lopez? I love that guy!