Boston Legal s01e12 Episode Script

Previously on Boston Legal.
I hit her on the head with a skillet.
It wasn't premeditated or planned.
She was berating me.
Suddenly, my arm was in motion.
Bam! I hit her.
- And she went down.
- Oh! - Mom? - He hit me on the head with a skillet.
- He called the police? - I'm afraid so.
- What do I do? - Mr.
Ferrion? - What? - Your mother has passed away.
- The victim identified the defendant as the killer.
- That would be hearsay.
- Is this all you've got? - We'll get more.
The charges against Mr.
Ferrion are dismissed without prejudice.
I see in you, Bernie, an innately kind person.
I'm hoping it's the kind, gentle person who goes on from here not the one who swung that skillet.
How bad is he? He's intermittently brilliant and nonsensical, often at the same time.
Then he's technically still in charge of litigation? Which is the reason I called you back.
He is an enormous rainmaker, Shirley.
And yet Lock and load.
Where is everybody? This is an administrative meeting, Denny.
Oh.
What the hell am I doing here? Remember the good old days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a road map? Didn't need a road map to find my way around your body, did I, Shirley? I wouldn't know.
I was usually asleep.
I once had her and Streisand at the same time.
- Remember that? - I do, Denny.
And not to burst your bubble but that was a female impersonator.
Perhaps the penis might have been your cue.
That wasn't Barbra Streisand? - You wanted to see me? - Yes, Sally.
Bad news.
We lost the summary judgment motion on Winchell.
Have a seat.
Oh! We lost? Thejudge held that the magazine, while possibly negligent wasn't guilty of reckless disregard for the truth.
So we could prevail under negligence? We could if only we'd thought to plead negligence.
Count one: Intentional infliction of emotional distress.
Count two: Reckless disregard for the truth.
Here's where there should have been a third count alleging negligence.
There is no third count alleging negligence.
In the supporting memoranda, we have pages on negligence.
- But you didn't plead it.
- So we just file a motion to amend.
That deadline lapsed.
Uh, this is this is obviously an oversight.
The defendant had constructive notice.
We can appeal this.
I'll get right on it.
I've taken the liberty of reviewing some of your other work, Sally.
You're a very good lawyer, but not good enough.
We're letting you go.
- You're firing me? - I'm sorry.
I have done a lot of good work here.
Yes, you have.
And any number of law firms would be happy to have you.
This one, unfortunately, just doesn't happen to be one of them.
- Are you in on this? - Am-Am-Am I in on this? It was my decision.
Paul and Denny still remain strong supporters.
We're streamlining a little, and I have to make some tough calls.
I'm sorry.
How can you come in here and in one week fire someone you don't even know? I'm Schmidt.
Nora, outstanding.
I give it a three.
Thank you.
Mr.
Crane? A Mr.
Walter Fife is in your office.
- He says it's quite important.
- Oh, thank you.
May I ask, do I know you? I'm Alan Shore's assistant.
Mr.
Fife came to our office when he couldn't find you.
- I escorted him back to your office.
- Excellent.
I'll be right there.
You're waiting for me to tell you where your office is, aren't you? No.
I wanna see the look on your face when you realize they still come through that door looking for one man to solve their problems.
They don't come barging in for Paul or you.
Only one man.
Allow me.
Denny Crane.
She can still pop my chubby.
- Mrs.
Schmidt.
- My mother's Mrs.
Schmidt.
You can call me Schmidt.
I know you're a very busy person, but if I could steal one minute of your busy time.
- Regarding? - It's a little personal.
They didn't just sue the school board.
They sued me personally, which I regard as punitive.
Walter, I can assure you, their cause of action is totally baseless.
I haven't even told you what it is yet.
- Hi.
Shirley Schmidt.
- This is Walter Fife.
He's superintendent of the Middlesex School District.
He's being sued.
What'd you do, a little touchy-feely with a student? What? God no! What What kind of question is that? All right, then.
Let's all sit.
Shirley here is a senior partner, so you're in good hands.
You got both Shirley and, um You.
Me.
Right.
Good.
Okay, now, look.
I'm gonna ask you something.
It's gonna be a question, and I want a direct answer no matter how difficult.
Okay.
Why, Walter are you being sued? You promised you'd answer.
The school board voted to include creationism along with Darwinism in the 8th grade science curriculum.
The teachers refused.
I terminated their employment.
They sued.
Massachusetts is a blue state.
God has no place here.
I'm not sure you're really the lawyer for this particular We have many attorneys well-equipped to handle Nonsense.
I've been practicing law for 45 years.
- Never lost a single case.
- You've never lost? My record is 6,043 to 0.
Ever hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St.
Peter let him in.
Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument.
Says, "Who's that?" St.
Peter says "Oh, that's God.
Thinks he's Denny Crane.
" I'm your boy, Walter.
Never lost.
Never will.
- Did she give you a reason? - Just that my work didn't cut it.
I mean, my reviews have all been good.
Plus, I mean, it's not like they've given me very much to do.
The Winchell case was really the first one they let me run with.
And you forgot to plead negligence.
- Sorry.
- Let me talk to her, see if there's another story.
Is this woman, like, some sort of psycho witch or something? Actually, no.
She's extremely nice.
We all know she was sent to shake the trees.
Looks like it's already begun.
- I wonder who's next.
- Lori? Can I steal you for a second? Sure.
Dibs on her office.
I just heard about Sally.
I think you're making a mistake.
- I didn't ask.
- Which surprises me, actually.
You and I are friends.
I've worked with Sally.
And being loyal to her, you can possibly be neither objective nor candid.
- Even so - In either event, I didn't ask.
We just got a new case.
Big client.
Middlesex School District.
Denny's in charge, which is fine as long as he doesn't speak.
- I need you to take over.
- How do I just take over? He'll completely You handle him, Lori, the way only you can.
- Uh-huh.
What's the case? - It's a variation of the Scopes trial.
Three teachers were fired for refusing to teach creationism.
- They've sued.
- Sounds like a slam dunk for them.
Perhaps.
It would take some pretty ingenious lawyering on our part from not only a gifted attorney but someone who's an expert in the field.
- Meaning? - Lori, I know all the skeletons in your closet, remember? Including that deeply-guarded little one that you fear might ruin your intellectual reputation.
You go to church.
Um, Schmidt, is this a good time? Yeah.
Conference room, noon? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- How can I help? - Well, this is very awkward.
I'm not even sure you're the right person to come to, but you're a woman.
- That's very kind.
- I work for Alan Shore.
And in many, many ways, he's an excellent boss.
God knows he isn't boring.
But I feel that he's been inappropriate with me.
- How so? - Well, he compliments my figure daily.
And he just kind of does it in a lascivious way.
He also ranks my sweaters.
He ranks your sweaters? Yes.
Which ones he thinks I look best in.
This is a three.
He asked ifhe could take one home for the weekend.
He told me he has dreams about me.
- What kind of dreams? - All kinds.
Uh, once he dreamt that I was just a head.
No body.
Just a head.
And everywhere he went he would carry me along wrapped in a muffler to keep him company.
And every so often, I would whisper terrible, dirty things in his ear.
It feels a little like harassment.
You think? Would you like to work for another lawyer? Well, I'd just like him to stop.
I must admit that sometimes, I've been guilty of playing along with his banter.
- But - I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
And, Nora, thank you for coming forward with this.
I know it was difficult.
We have very little information other than the victim was in her 50s and that she was bludgeoned to death.
It is the second death in a week that has rocked this idyllic little street.
Just last Friday, the victim's next-door neighbor died as well from a head trauma.
You may recall the son was briefly held and then released.
- What? - It has not been stated whether these two cases are connected.
- It's Bernie.
- Who? My little skillet-wielding client from last week.
He's whacked another one.
He promised me he wouldn't! Does that mean you're finished? Alan? - What have you done? - There's an awful lot of excitement I saw, both live and on the news.
You've been flailing again with your frying pan, haven't you, Bernard? - I never meant for it to happen.
- I am very disappointed! I gave you a terrific speech last week, Bernie, appealing to the kind, inner you.
It was wonderful, poignant even! And now you've completely mooted it by committing murder again! - I never meant to kill her.
- What? You just went over there to make an omelet, and things got out of hand? She knew! She heard an argument between me and Mother.
She was out there watering her stupid plants in the winter, for God sakes.
The woman is not right.
Or wasn't right.
Alan, she said she was gonna call the police.
She said what she heard would not be hearsay.
She looked it up.
She said because we were arguing, it would it would qualify as an excited "blutterance.
" Suddenly, the skillet was in my hand, and I swung.
"Blutterance" isn't even a real word, much less a defense.
You murdered somebody over a fake word! I was careful to not leave any evidence.
I went over there stealth-like and I I staged a break-in in the back.
I dispatched of her, and then I returned.
Alan, I promise you, this will be the very, very last one.
- I'm not representing you this time.
- You must if it comes to that! I won't.
You've let me down terribly! But But you said that you stood for the little man! I'm little! The best thing I feel would be to go for an immediate declaratory judgment.
The last thing we want is a trial.
This is a hot-button issue.
The A.
C.
L.
U.
Will be jumping in, and that's only the beginning.
- Why have I been taken off this case? - You haven't.
You've been relieved of the grunt work because it's beneath you.
Relief is a soft word for discharge.
I recognize a demotion when I see one.
I am the master of the soft discharge.
You refer again to when we were intimate.
Now, pay attention, and pretend you have a clue.
We all set? - Lock and load.
- Let's go.
- Lori.
- Alan.
Alan, a second.
We have a little problem.
Seems you've been sexually harassing Nora Jacobs.
- She signed a waiver.
- I'm sorry? I make all my female employees sign sexual harassment waivers, especially the pretty ones.
I don't think that document would hold up in court.
- But regardless - Oh.
That kind of behavior isn't tolerated at Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Which kind of behavior, specifically? I think you're smart enough to sense where the line is, counselor.
I'm never sure until I cross it.
She is a subordinate.
There is a disparity of power.
You will refrain from any sexual advances, verbal or otherwise.
Shirley, what about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me lusting, say, after you, would there? Go subscribe to National Geographic.
Make a list of all the places you'll never get to visit.
Add to that list Schmidt.
- Sally, I'll talk to her.
But other than that - You can't pull some strings? What about Alan Shore? He's the one that pulls rabbits.
He's not a partner, you are.
Besides, I slept with Alan Shore.
- How objective can he - You also slept with me.
Do you ever think that might be part of the problem? That was unfair.
Kick me while I'm down? I guess I should've expected it.
The police want to question me.
That's really a stunner, Bernie.
They arrested you last week for whacking your mother.
You got off on a technicality.
Now, the woman next door turns up dead from a blow to the head.
- What could possibly make them think of you? - Should I talk to them? I wouldn't.
Where you once were convincing, you now are anything but.
I don't like it when you speak to me in these hurtful tones.
- I am not an evil person.
- Yes, you are, Bernie.
You've killed two people inside of a week.
By definition, that makes you evil.
This last killing was premeditated, calculated! You went over there, as you said, "to dispatch a human being.
" You're a little bug.
And like a bug, you will one day get stepped on.
Now go away.
I do not represent evil people.
- I asked you to leave.
- May I say one more thing? You cut me to the quick.
I am a bug.
My mother would often tell me I am nothing more than an insignificant little She used to call me a dung beetle.
When I killed her, as she lay on the floor for the first time, I felt alive.
I had actually done something.
Perhaps a part of me sought to relive that power.
But today, l-I do.
L-I feel evil.
I need your help, Alan.
The police want to interrogate me.
- I don't know what to do.
- Could I Oh.
- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.
Tara Wilson, meet Bernard Ferrion.
He kills people with cookware, allegedly, of course.
Bernie, Tara.
She's your new lawyer.
- No, I prefer you.
- No, you can't have me! One reason being I know too much.
If you want this firm to help you, Tara's your lawyer.
She's very fetching, but is she good? The police wanna talk to him.
There's an excellent chance you can avoid the prison term he very much deserves.
I must warn you, do not come to care for this man.
He will let you down.
That's all.
Let's go, Mr.
Ferrion.
Nora, when you get a minute.
Why did you feel compelled to speak to Shirley Schmidt? - Why didn't you just take it up with me? - I don't know.
I suppose I guess I didn't feel I could hold my own with you.
Which, I guess, is a part of the problem.
"Alan, I'm uncomfortable with the banter.
" You could've said that.
- You did participate in the banter.
- I participated.
I, of course, wanted to be liked by my boss.
But then it started to go too far.
And when it went too far, why not tell me? I don't know.
Because I'd let it go on.
I felt maybe I'd gotten myself in At the seminars, you get the impression that the senior people here are good at dealing with these things.
I wanted you to stop, but I still like you and like working for you, and I was hoping they maybe had a way to solve the problem without any hurt feelings.
So what happens now? We actually call it intelligent design.
Basically, the idea is life is so complex a greater power has to be at play.
The greater power being God? - We're by no means shutting down Darwinism - Denny! Or suggesting that evolution is inaccurate.
Do you believe in evolution, Mr.
Fife? I happen to believe in both God and evolution.
I don't think the two have to be mutually exclusive.
So why not simply offer the intelligent design theory in religion courses? - Why science? - Well, we thought long and hard about that.
But the simple truth is, more and more scientists scientists, not theologians have said that when you examine the intricacies of the human cell the mathematical equations of DNA you simply cannot conclude that it's all explained by natural selection.
Another power has to be at work.
- God? - Well, again, we never mention him by name.
You're aware of the separation of church and state? - I'm aware.
- This is boring crap.
And you're also aware, Mr.
Fife that the Supreme Court has banned the teaching of creationism? Well, as I said, technically, we're not calling it creationism.
But you admitted that's what's going on.
And creationism holds that God created the world about 6,000 years ago in six days? - That's not my view.
- But it's a view you're insisting - your teachers explain in a science class.
- As a theory.
A theory with no scientific basis other than to say "Gee, evolution can't account for it all.
" - Why the helmet? - Well, it wouldn't be for here.
It would be for at home.
The thinking being if there's somebody in my neighborhood breaking into houses whacking people from behind on the head it would make sense for me to wear a helmet.
- I want to exude innocence, you see? - Get rid of the helmet.
But, Miss Wilson, at my core, I'm a little man.
It would make sense for me to want to protect myself, right? Get rid of the helmet.
You look ridiculous.
Now listen to me.
The police have asked for a DNA sample, and I'm gonna agree.
What? Why on earth? 'Cause they could get one with a court order.
There's no point in opposing.
Well, what about my right to not incriminate myself? Cooperation goes a long way towards exuding innocence, Mr.
Ferrion much better than hockey headgear.
You know, everyone is speaking to me in hurtful tones, and I don't appreciate it.
I did kill people.
You'd think I'd incur a little shock and awe, if not respect.
Is that why you did this? To inspire awe? Alan Shore told me that your mother referred to you as a dung beetle.
Please don't mention that particular species to me.
I don't know what else Alan told you but I'm a kind man.
I have admittedly committed two heinous acts.
But the first was not voluntary and the second was out of desperation not wanting to go to prison where bigger men will have their way with me.
Miss Wilson, I need your help.
Please be on my side.
I'm sorry.
That remark was way out of line.
Listen, Sally, it didn't help that you were with me a year and a half ago and then you were with Alan Shore.
Gossip, it travels fast.
But I have no doubt none, that you are going to be an exceptional attorney.
But just not here.
They're never gonna give you the chance.
You need to remake yourself.
Start fresh.
You asked me for help and I'm going to provide it to you in the form of advice.
You need to go.
At the beginning of the school year, we got the word at our teachers assembly that moral values would be one of our educational objectives.
Which was fine.
But to have evolution bumped for creationism Well, to be fair, evolution isn't being displaced.
Creationism is just being included.
Evolution is a tough subject matter.
We cannot cut into what little class time we have to service a political agenda.
- To teach - Objection.
This is nonresponsive.
Please limit your answers to the questions, ma'am.
Why can't you view intelligent design as a science, Miss Turner? Because there is simply no scientific data to support it.
How are we to maintain any credibility as science teachers if we say "Gee.
Despite all this data, there's also another possibility"? Intelligent design makes a mockery of science.
If you wanna teach it as a religion course, fine.
But as a science, it's simply preposterous.
I just don't understand why he wouldn't wanna talk.
- If there's a serial killer loose in his neighborhood - He'd love to talk.
- I'm not letting him.
- I'll tell you one thing Bernard.
You people wrongly arrested him last time with no evidence after his mother recklessly accused him.
Now it's clear there is somebody in the neighborhood killing people you haven't so much as apologized to Mr.
Ferrion for ruining his good name.
Why should we expect any fair treatment from you? I'm done.
Once again, I'll encourage your client not to leave the jurisdiction.
- Bully boy.
- Bernard.
You handled that deftly.
- So what now? - You can go home.
If indeed you left no traces behind and assuming they find no DNA and with no smoking skillet you'll likely get away with it once again.
You're using a judgmental tone.
Do you really expect us not to condemn you? You killed two people.
Well, I expect you to condemn my actions, but I suppose not me.
You can go.
How's Alan? Honestly, I think he's hurt.
You hear all the time how clients are let down by their lawyers.
Sometimes, it's the attorney who's let down by the client.
As silly as it may sound, the cynical, jaded Alan Shore gets a bit desperate sometimes to believe in the goodness of mankind.
He found, I think, some hope in you, and you crushed it like a bug.
- You're firing me? - Certainly not.
I'd get sued.
I'm reassigning you.
If I get put back into the pool, that's the same as a demotion.
Nora, I'm not going to change who I am.
I can work on it but leaps and bounds I'll never make.
When I look at women, most women my mind wanders invariably to sexual fantasy of a broad and curious nature unfettered by moral restraint.
I can't help it.
I realize this candor could come back to haunt me should you indeed file a claim.
But when I look at you, I often conjure up the most intimate and explicit of distractions.
That's not going to change.
You are a sexually attractive beast.
Could you excuse us, Shirley? I'm dictating a letter.
I give you my word, you will not get a demotion.
I also offer you my gratitude for making me realize that sometimes women play along and yet nevertheless feel harassed.
I suppose it's the callous idiot who can't appreciate that.
I apologize for being that idiot.
Nora, the next time that somebody does something to you that you don't like, be direct.
I assure you, you're up to it.
That was very eloquent.
Thank you.
You need to get me another secretary, Shirley.
Someone more willing to be harassed.
I'll see what I can do.
These are bad times for science, Your Honor especially at the hands of moral values.
The government has systematically distorted or worse, suppressed findings by the F.
D.
A.
And E.
P.
A when it comes to contraception, stem cell research Al DS, global warming, pollution.
Let's just stick to the case, counsel, and leave politics out of it.
This case is all about politics.
It's about getting religion back into schools.
Creationism is religious doctrine.
It is not supported by scientific data.
I'm a Christian.
My wife is a Jew.
We have wonderful debates.
And this country as a whole should be more theologically literate.
But it's not science.
What's happening here today is an attack on evolution.
It's clever.
Let's call it "intelligent design.
" Let's not mention God.
But, come on.
The Supreme Court banned the teaching of creationism in the public schools.
They were right then, they remain right today and my client's discharge was unlawful as well as in violation of our time-honored tradition of separating church and state.
Of course we have a legitimate cause of action.
That was almost evangelical.
The establishment clause prohibits the endorsement of or discrimination against any particular religion.
But it was never meant to extinguish the notion of a higher power.
I certainly believe in evolution.
Who here among us while watching the presidential debates could deny that we all come from monkeys? But what's so wrong with suggesting as a possible theory that a higher power might have also played a part? As for church and state we go to war over God-given rights to democracy.
Let's face it.
God is big here.
We love God.
And we as a nation have an overwhelming belief he had something to do with the creation of humankind.
But teach that in a science class? Perish the thought.
Nobody here is trying to squash evolution.
And I would agree with Mr.
Gellman.
It isn't good science to suppress information.
But I would ask the court who here today is trying to do the squashing? What do you mean, you want to go to trial? I'm afraid of dying a death by innuendo.
I thought if I went to trial, it would offer me a chance to clear my name.
- Clear your name? You did it! - But nobody knows that.
Have you gone mad? They haven't got any evidence.
They can't even arrest you.
And you're here asking to go to trial? What is the matter with you? The suspense of them building a case, it's just too much to bear! I'm lonely.
All I ever had was my mother, and I killed her.
The only other person who ever, ever talked to me was my neighbor.
I killed her too.
How's Alan? I miss him.
Bernard unless something else happens here, your case is over.
Now, I can appreciate that you're lonely but you need to find a life for yourself now.
But, um, how do I do that? Bernard your case status at the moment is over.
Okay.
Okay.
Alan.
- Hello.
- Mrs.
Piper? You remember.
Oh, I always say, shake a man's hand with dog poop on your glove he'll remember you for life.
I remember you because I trick-or-treated at your house.
How are you, dear? You don't look well.
What are you doing here? I'm applying for the position of your secretary, of course.
I heard what happened to the last one and, I must say, your problem Most people aren't able to see that beneath your slick, insensitive exterior, deep down you really are a douche bag.
I get that, Alan.
You'd have no misunderstanding with me.
- Mr.
Shore? - My, my! What an adorable little man.
Are you a midget, dear? I, uh I just wanna say that I am deeply sorry.
And I assure you that I'm going to try to live up to all the potential that you saw in me as a human being.
I give you my word.
Well, that was sweet.
So, do I get thejob? Nobody is more frightened than I am of the religious right getting a stranglehold on our values.
This is the part where we get spanked.
It seems as long as you do it in the name of the Almighty one is free to abandon not only common sense and science but also the facts.
But I am also concerned about a secular society squeezing faith out of our lives.
We have all witnessed the ridiculous lawsuits to stop Nativity scenes at Christmas to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
God has always been a part of who and what we are as a nation.
On our currency, it reads, "In God we trust.
" The Declaration of Independence speaks of God how we are "created.
" "Endowed by our creator," it references our "supreme judge of the world," and "divine providence.
" God.
And, I'm sorry anybody who has ever held a newborn child in his hands must make room for the chance that a higher power exists.
And it shouldn't offend you as scientists to say "Hey, we just don't know.
" I find the decision to include intelligent design along with evolution into the science curriculum does not violate the establishment cause of the First Amendment.
I'm ruling in favor of the defendant.
This lawsuit is dismissed.
- Oh, boy.
- Was it interesting? I didn't listen to a word.
Thank you.
Thank you both.
Good luck, Mr.
Fife.
What's the expression? Uh, "Go with God.
" So when are you leaving? - Is there a big rush? - I didn't mean it like that.
I'm leaving now, tonight.
You know, for what it's worth, Shirley can be very draconian.
- And when she makes up her mind, it's not - I I have nothing against Shirley.
In fact, she didn't even really hurt me.
Shirley doesn't know me.
You do.
Lori does.
Alan does.
A lot of people, none of whom took issue with Shirley.
The silent majority has spoken, Brad, with a resounding roar.
Every knock is a boost.
I'm gonna cling to that and a few other clichés for a while.
And then, you'll all see me again in court across the deposition table.
You'll all see me again.
That's a promise.
He's just so profoundly lonely.
Bernard.
He came to apologize.
I actually think that he wanted to get arrested because he's so starved for attention.
I hate this job.
Well, you warned me not to care for him.
- Tara, don't.
Do not let yourself - Well, it's over now.
He's gone.
What's done is done.
It's not over.
That's the problem.
What do you mean? He'll kill again.
- What? Did he say that? - No, but I just get the feeling he'll kill again.
What are you doing out here? Just looking at the city.
Still trying to fathom that The Red Sox won? What's this? The boys do it.
Thought we'd give it a try.
- You wanna smoke cigars? - Mm-hmm.
Passing of the torch from the boys' club to us.
Well, I'll smoke to that.
Awful.
Let me try.
That's terrible.
Well, this makes it official.
We've evolved more than they have.
Is it a good thing we won today? I don't know.
You believe in a higher power, right? It wasn't just advocacy in that room? With what's going on in the world, I need to believe.
- But - But what? God forbid, the next court says it's okay to ban evolution from the schools.
Yeah.
God forbid.