Chuck s01e12 Episode Script

CASEY Are you insane? Come back to bed.
And miss all the good sunlight? Come on, llsa.
It's not like the civil war's gonna go anywhere.
Tempting.
- But I have a deadline.
- Yeah.
Why did ever I let myself get involved with a photojournalist? And how did I get myself mixed up with a? - What do you call yourself again? - An energy consultant.
What does that even mean? It means I get to sleep in late.
- Here's my offer - Yeah? Mr.
Energy-Consultant: You stay in bed and preserve your precious energy.
And I'll be back before you know it.
Bye-bye, Sugar Bear.
Did you hear a word I said? Hello? Do you speak English? Hello? - Yeah.
- Then why aren't you moving? Because if you were listening then you'd be walking to the register to get me my 300 bucks.
Sir, I repeat, I cannot offer you a refund without a valid receipt.
You can't get me a refund, you won't get me an exchange.
What exactly are you capable of doing, big Johnny you sad, impotent oaf? - I'm capable of stopping your heart - Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa.
Hey, John, what seems to be the problem here? - It's the auto focus, right? - Yeah.
It happens all the time, it's a quick fix.
And I can take care of it personally.
If you'll leave your name and number at the Nerd Herd desk, I'll take care of it.
- Was that so hard? - Thank you, have a good day.
Just breathe, Casey, breathe.
Breathe.
Or growl.
Growling also works.
Very good.
Very, very good.
Hey.
- You're not going to believe it.
- You got that server to work? I got Tara Reid's phone number.
What have I told you about stalking "celebrities" online? And by the way, who doesn't have her phone number? Is that the Grand Seville's database? I can access every guest staying at L.
A.
's swankiest hotel.
It's got it all: Room numbers, credit cards, spank-per-view records.
That's super, Jeff.
I'll let the hotel know their computer's ready.
You're giving away the Holy Grail.
Tara! Grand Seville, please don't sue us.
Dmitry Siljak.
Known alias of black-market arms dealer specializing in former Soviet Okay.
Man, I'm gonna have a headache tomorrow.
Ilsa Trinchina.
AP photographer.
Rumored lover of undercover NSA agent.
Whereabouts unknown.
Sugar Bear.
Sugar Bear's girlfriend's in town.
Casey, hey, hey, hey.
Wait up, wait up.
I just had the mother lode of all bad-guy flashes.
- Who are they? - Mostly Russian.
All traveling under aliases, fake passports.
They're arms dealers, money launderers, black-market smugglers.
Yeah, they're all having a douchebag convention at the Grand Seville.
I'll run it up the flagpole, see what Command wants.
Aah, uh, one more thing.
There was another name One name that I flashed on, actually.
But I left it - Her, off of the list.
- What are you talking about, Bartowski? Does the name llsa Trinchina mean anything to you Sugar Bear? You say that name ever again and I will end you.
Nod if you understand.
Casey, you're hurting the Intersect.
Hey, try this.
It's the new breakfast corn dog with country sausage and syrup wrapped in pancake.
Thank you, but maybe later.
I have serious business to discuss.
Matter of national security.
Casey's ex-girlfriend is in town.
- How do you know? - I flashed.
Her name is llsa Trinchina, super-hot, super-sexy.
- At the Grand Seville as we speak.
- Does Casey know? Almost ripped my head off.
It must've been a bad break-up.
I always imagined Casey was built like a Ken doll.
You know, downstairs? I don't know what kind of woman would go for a guy like Casey.
I was, ahh, kind of hoping you'd help me find out.
Ilsa is a civilian, a foreign national.
The Intersect has nothing on her except love letters I'll never be able to scrub out of my brain.
You want me to go behind Casey's back, re-allocate CIA resources and violate this woman's privacy so you can find out what their story is? Tell me you're not curious.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, I'm Ellie Bartowski, Chuck's sister? Oh, yes, of course.
I recognize Chuck's sensual mouth.
Devon.
Lester.
- Jeff.
Well, any co-worker of Chuck's is a A guy who can help me pick some stuff out to buy, huh? Ha.
Jeff, Lester, uh, give my guests a little breathing room.
We have business to discuss.
So, what can I help you with today, ma'am? This year for our anniversary, Devon and I are making more money.
We decided to buy one large gift instead of two smaller ones.
- Awesome, right? - Gives me a chill when you say it, babe.
Uh, have we settled on what that item may be? Yes.
Beautiful, isn't she? Beautiful, isn't she? - Think of the things we can watch.
- Think of the things we can wash.
I want you guys to know that I'm not just a salesman.
I've come to think of myself as a retail therapist.
Ellie, why do you really want the television? So we can spend more time together.
Quiet evenings at home.
- Cuddling on the couch.
- That's good.
Good, good.
Devon.
What's really behind the washer and dryer? - So we can spend more time together.
- What? No more Laundromats.
We come home and go onto a run without worrying about dirty shorts.
I never go running with you.
Maybe you would with a drawer full of clean jog bras.
Oh, sorry.
One second.
Oh, that's the hospital.
I have to go.
Well, what about our anniversary gift? You know what, honey? Why don't you just surprise me, okay? Love you.
We received your report, major.
Ex-KGB, Eastern-bloc thugs, Russian arms dealers.
Frankly, we're not used to seeing this particular crowd stateside these days.
Not since President Reagan won the Cold War, huh, general? So you want us to infiltrate the Grand Seville.
The hotel's bar has been booked for a private party early this evening.
Fine, I'll clear my schedule.
But just because it's you, general.
Mr.
Bartowski, it's up to you to tell us what these criminal agents are all doing in Los Angeles.
You and Agent Walker are going undercover.
We need you to press some Russian flesh.
See what you can flash on.
And, uh, good luck.
So, what about you, Casey? - What about me? I don't know.
If Sarah and I have to go to the hotel to press Russian flesh you might wanna drop in on somebody whose name - Chuck.
- Okay, fine, I'll shut up.
Jeez, what? What is with that guy? He doesn't wanna see his ex.
I doubt it.
Ilsa's dead.
If Casey's girlfriend is dead, who's the llsa Trinchina staying at this hotel? Someone with a fake passport.
It happens all the time in Russia.
People die and their personal info gets recycled.
My God.
That's so horrible.
No wonder Casey's so messed up.
Casey, uh, hey.
I just You know what, I'm sorry about what I said earlier Drop it, Chuck.
You heard the general, we got work to do.
There's our Russians.
Wait, this isn't a black-tie thing.
I'm way overdressed.
Yeah, lose the jacket.
- What's this? Perfect.
It would've been nice to know that I was the help on this mission.
- I could've done some character study.
Recognize anyone, Chuck? That's, uh, Dmitry Siljak.
Black-market arms dealer.
Sergey "Noodles" Romanov.
Freelance hit man.
Sasha! Is that you, my sweet Sasha? Everybody meet fourth cousin on my mother's side! Come and give your cousin great big hug! Ow! Ow! Hey.
Chuck! Russia! Sasha! - Russian.
Sasha.
Ha, ha.
- Sasha, Sasha! Sasha wants to dance! No, no.
No.
How much for the whole night? Get low.
Get low, get low.
We are good dancers, aren't we, us Russians? Like, uh, Baryshnikov.
Ha, ha.
White Nights? Anybody seen White Nights? Do it like a Russki.
Do it like a Russki.
Yeah, we're in a circle.
We're in a Sasha.
You like blond.
Come! Very nice.
She is all yours, Sasha.
She's here.
Ilsa is here.
- What? Are you sure? - Look, over there.
Our cover's been compromised.
Requesting extraction.
I'm on it.
Llsa? Oh, my God.
What did you? How are you alive? No one could have survived that blast.
I'm so sorry.
Why are you sorry? All I remember is I woke up in the hospital in Grozny two weeks after the blast.
Couldn't see, I couldn't hear.
It took another two months for me to remember my name.
But I never forgot your face.
- We're Russian.
Russian! Oh, motherland.
Come with me.
Keep on coming.
- You crazy people.
- We've gotta get him out of here.
The guy spent four years of his life thinking he'd never see her again.
His cover has been compromised.
Can't the man live without a cover for a couple of minutes? Hello, everybody.
How we doing tonight, huh? Good.
Are we doing good? Sarah.
Sarah, I think I know what brought all the baddies together.
Him, Victor Federov, a Russian oligarch with ties to everything from the Mob to a plot to overthrow parliament.
What brings you to Los Angeles? Why are you here? And with this, I'd like to introduce you to a woman who'll make me the happiest man on Earth by becoming my wife.
Ilsa Trinchina.
Hey, buddy.
- How you feeling? - How am I feeling? Yeah, uh, you know, about last night.
Our mission was a success.
You ID'd Victor Federov.
Agent Walker has been assigned to set up a surveillance on the target.
In short, I feel fine-effing-tastic.
Well, okay.
I mean, I guess, uh you know, I was referring more to the you-and-llsa situation.
Thought maybe you'd wanna talk about the fact that girl you thought was dead isn't actually dead.
No.
Great, good, good.
Really good session here, Casey.
Feel like we're making a breakthrough.
I just want you to know that I'm a good listener.
If you ever wanna talk about anything if you wanna use me as a sounding board for your emotions Finding everything okay? How you doing? Come on, buddy.
Just give me something, anything.
Where's she from or where did you two meet? Why is this so important to you, Chuck? Why do you care about me and llsa? I don't know, man, okay? I just I think it'd be nice to know you had a life before this.
I just figured if a guy like you can find love no offense, Casey, then maybe there's hope for me too.
Maybe this whole spy business isn't as screwed up as I think it is.
- Hmm.
- "Hmm"? That's Okay, you know what? If you wanna go through life emotionally constipated and alone, suit yourself.
I'll let you get back to protecting the greater good, you freaking robot.
I met her in a flower market.
In Rome.
Ilsa was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I knew it.
It's alive! Yeah, there she is.
There she is.
Hey, think Ellie's gonna be cool with the washer and dryer? Ah, no worries.
Oh, hey, babe.
Happy anniversary.
You got the washer and dryer.
Well, you told me to surprise you, so surprise.
Ha, ha.
You getting what you want isn't a surprise.
What's that supposed to mean? It means that I would like to go to brunch but you would rather go rock climbing.
Or I wanna go winetasting in Napa but you would rather go to Baja and go kitesurfing.
- It's always about what you want.
Come on, babe.
It's just a washer and dryer.
It's not just a washer and dryer.
It's about what it represents.
It represents clean clothes.
- Have you ever considered? What? Well, that maybe, on an unconscious level Devon, uh, has a need to exercise or go on these extreme adventures because, well, maybe he's scared of intimacy.
Of being tied down.
- Yes, exactly.
- What? No.
Ellie, how does that make you feel? Like I'm banking on my future with a giant, muscly child.
And I can't do it anymore.
And, Devon? You? How do you feel? Of course.
Naturally, sure.
Sure, it was great.
We had what we had, but it's over.
So that's it? You're just gonna let her walk back out of your life? Seems like the smart play, Chuck.
Nice girls don't marry corrupt Russian oligarchs.
I hate to break it to you but nice girls don't go around marrying guys like you, either.
G- man assassin, international spy? I mean, pardon me for saying it, Casey but at least on paper you're kind of an unsavory dude.
Granted.
- Ilsa never knew what I do for a living.
- That's exactly my point.
What if llsa doesn't know what her fiancé Victor does for a living, either? - What are you saying I do? - Stick to your strengths, buddy.
Come on, you're a fighter.
You gotta fight for her.
This is a terrible idea.
We shouldn't be here.
Can't we just? Negatory.
We have passed the point of no return.
- No retreat, soldier.
- This isn't a mission.
We're just two guys sneaking down a hall like a couple of numbnuts.
Hey.
- What are you two doing here? - I'd like to apologize, Agent Walker.
- Chuck, here convinced me - To come down to the hotel.
To bring me.
Maybe I could flash on some cool stuff or things or whatever.
You volunteered to go on an all-night stakeout? Doesn't sound like me, does it? I know.
But I couldn't sleep, so I thought it would do me some good to, ahh, look at some surveillance monitors or something.
Maybe knock me right out, so This way.
I've already tapped into the hotel security feed.
You two get comfy, I'm gonna deliver the surveillance to the Bridal Suite.
- Good bug.
- With any luck we'll get enough dirt off the wire, you take the target down on U.
S.
Soil.
- Have fun.
- Don't wait up.
Just gonna be looking at, ahh, ahem, monitors and - Um, Casey? - What, you flash? Look who's hitting the bar the night before her own wedding.
Does that look like the face of a woman who's happy about getting married? Where's she going? Look, look, look.
This is your chance, buddy.
This is your chance.
Look at her, Casey.
She's just sitting there waiting for you.
Wait a second.
You're scared, aren't you? Don't be an idiot.
Kemosabe, come on, man.
You don't wanna spend the rest of your life hating yourself for what you didn't have the guts to say tonight.
Okay? Believe me, I know.
Hmm.
Hey, this is a private floor.
Casey, you deliver the package.
I've got a body to take care of.
Key's in the sugar.
Deliver the package.
Casey, do you read me? Um Ahem.
Yeah, uh, copy that.
On my way.
Bonsoir, madam.
Housekeeping.
Okay, eenie, meenie, minie :::mo: Put it in front.
What am I, an idiot? Let me put it Ooh Ha, ha.
These stupid keys never work.
Mm.
Oh, llsa.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Casey.
- Oh, I missed you.
I've missed you too.
- You haven't lost your magic touch.
Oh, Casey.
Again.
Bartowski.
- What the hell are you doing here? - Listen, I'm really sorry.
I know this is very awkward, but llsa is a bad girl.
She's a very bad girl.
Drop the gun, Sugar Bear.
See? Mind telling me what a nice girl like you is doing with a gun, llsa? Same thing as you, Casey.
I tried to warn you.
She's a spy.
- Who do you work for? - Ask your friend.
He's seen my files.
Uh, yeah, I did.
She's French secret service.
But wouldn't that put us all on the same side, kind of, doesn't it? - You lied to me.
- Says the energy consultant.
What about the bomb in Grozny, that "I never forgot your face" garbage? Oh, that bomb.
Llsa.
Quick.
Hide.
You have to trust me.
Llsa? Llsa.
Baby.
Where have you been hiding, llsa? - Right here.
I can't wait any longer.
How about we start our honeymoon now? - Oh, Victor.
Oh, Victor.
Oh, llsa.
Don't even think about it.
You don't know who's on top.
You guys get out of here before he wakes up.
All right here.
Here you go.
Michael, in or out? Hey, thanks for letting me, uh, join your game, boys.
Perfect distraction.
Captain here had a fight with his lady friend.
Oh, the doghouse.
- Been there many a time, my friend.
- No, you haven't.
Guys, Ellie and I are just going through a little rough patch, trying to figure Let me share one thing that I know from personal experience No, you don't.
You do not need some broad holding your maracas in a vise.
Yeah, mancake like you, you should install a turnstile on your bedroom door.
- So in or out, buddy? - I don't know.
All right.
I have absolutely nada.
- Pair of threes.
- There's my straight.
- Trip nines, gentlemen.
Oh, wow.
Big man.
- Daddy takes her home.
All right.
Finishes us off.
Rules is rules, as they say in, ahh This is what's great about boys' night.
Hey, mancake, what do you think? Wanna do this again tomorrow, single guy? - I got a surgery I gotta do.
Dude.
- We wanna take your pants off.
I'll be back.
- Devon, come back! We're all buds here.
Oh, we gotta get that guy's pants off.
And then? It wasn't long after we were married that Victor went back to Czechoslovakia.
- Hey, Casey, we need to talk.
- Is it related to last night? - Uh, well, yeah.
- Then I don't wanna talk about it.
- Listen, Casey - No, you listen.
Whatever you thought existed between me and llsa, you were wrong.
That person's gone back to being dead to me.
- You have something to say? - Yeah.
Just that there's a dead lady waiting to see you.
How did you find me, llsa? Your friend left this under the bed.
He's not much of a spy.
So, what do you want? I didn't wanna leave things the way we left them.
With you getting plowed by a drunk Russian crime boss? You should get used to that.
We've been investigating Victor Federov since the Paris commuter train bombings back in '02.
My agency's tried everything to take him to trial but his organization is airtight.
Totally legit from the outside.
- The only way we could take him down - By screwing it out of him? How, uh, French.
- Lf you are French.
- Casey, please.
I make one call and you, Victor and half the Grand Seville are packed on a plane, shipped off to the detention center of my choice.
- You're not gonna do that.
- Really? - Why is that? - That would be unprofessional.
And that's not you.
I wish things could be different.
I'm sorry, Casey.
Before you and I were to leave Paris a friend came and told me that Victor was alive.
Goodbye.
Ahh, a lot of Scotch and a little Neil.
Everything okay, buddy? Just enjoying myself a little R and R.
Heh, heh.
Mm-hm.
- Wanna drink? - No, no.
Thanks, though.
I really appreciate it.
No, just, uh, thought I'd check in on you, you know what with llsa getting married in an hour and Thanks for reminding me.
Here's to John Casey dodging another bullet.
It's not like I want the wife and kids and the Little League practice and the minivan and the Costco runs.
Yeah.
Really? You don't? It seems to me that you'd kind of be into the whole American dream.
No.
I do what I do so all those other slobs out there can have it.
What, ahh, would you say your dream is? You're looking at it.
- Sarah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I am so glad you're here.
- Uh, yeah, me too.
I'm having a little wine.
You want some? - I'm actually fine, but you go ahead.
- Okay.
- Um, is Chuck here? - Uh-uh.
No, it's, um, just me tonight.
Um, home, all by myself.
Ha.
Oh, um - Are you okay? - Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Ellie, are you sure you're okay? It's just that I have both feet in and Devon only has one foot in so then it's just me taking care of three feet.
And I want it to be us, taking care of four feet.
- Do you understand what I'm saying? - Completely.
Of course you do.
Of course you do.
- I'm gonna get us some more wine.
- Okay.
Besides, Chuck, it's not like llsa left me empty-handed.
What's that? Just a cheap little trinket I used to think meant something.
You mind telling me what that is? It's an RX 77 Long-Range Audio Transmitter.
Someone was listening in on llsa? With a Russian-made bug.
That means they heard last night.
That means Victor knows she's a spy.
Whoa, uh, hey, Casey.
Casey, Casey.
Casey, hey, where you going? Where you going? - To stop a wedding.
- No, you're not.
No, you're not.
Scotch and driving, very, very bad combo.
And as far as I know, also illegal.
You're absolutely right.
You're driving.
I need pants.
Whoa.
Hi, hey, hey.
- What's going on, Chuck? Victor planted a bug on Ilsa.
He knows she's a spy.
She's walking into a trap.
- This way.
- Okay, ahh, I'll see you soon.
Ellie, I hate to do this to you, but No, no.
We're gonna talk about Chuck and when you see that going and You know, we're gonna talk about this as soon as I get back.
- Devon? - Oh, I was looking for, uh Oh, what's going on here, ladies? Having ourselves a little cocktail? Sarah, please.
Please don't leave tonight.
I just really can't be alone right now.
Please.
Morgan, Ellie's feeling a little upset, so if you could just - Absolutely.
Got it.
I'm your man.
- Okay.
Ellie, I'll talk to you soon.
Hey, hey.
Easy, easy, Ell.
Old Morgan's here now and I'm not gonna leave your side, I promise.
You've always been really sweet to me.
Aw, come on.
I thought we issued a no-touch policy back in '98.
Hmm, remember that? Buddy? All right, this is not how I imagined it over and over but let's get you to bed, huh? Come on.
Come on, there.
Come on, old girl.
Casey, Casey - Shh, shh, shh! You shut up.
- Shh, shh! - Where did you get that? - Shh! Llsa? Llsa? I assume you are with the bride's party.
You make for handsome groom.
It's a shame to ruin the suit.
Ruin it how exactly? With bullet holes or blood or? Shut up, Chuck.
- Shutting up.
- Where's llsa? - Way to the ceremony.
Quite a woman, huh? I'm gonna miss her.
Oh, well.
At least we get to have our wedding night.
Leave her out of this.
I have another proposal.
I was so moved by listening to you and llsa say goodbye what if I told you, you get to keep the girl? Casey, you wanna tell me what's going on? In fact, how would you and llsa like to go on my honeymoon? I love that idea.
I don't even have to go.
You mean let me die in your place.
What did you have in mind, Victor? A plane crash over the Pacific? A fiery wreck that leaves nothing behind but our two charred corpses? Three corpses.
Your friend will play the role of a pilot.
Or maybe one of those men stewardesses.
If you excuse me, my associates have come to see me married.
I would hate to disappoint them.
You guys.
Casey, I don't wanna die as a man stewardess.
Relax.
I think I see a scenario where we both get out of here with acceptable losses.
What exactly is your version of acceptable? Breaks and punctures, possible loss of a limb.
No major organ damage.
Hey, comrades.
Mind if I ask you two fellas a question? Where'd you learn to tie people up, a Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon? I don't think that you're helping right now.
Hello? No wonder you lost the Cold War.
A couple of girl scouts could tie people up better than this.
Casey, what are you? Like you said, I'm sticking to my strengths.
How many times do we have to go through this? Where's Chuck Bartowski? That had to hurt.
Baddie at 6 o'clock! Whoa! How do you like me now, sucker? Okay.
Casey, Casey, Casey! High, very It's so very high.
Get him.
Get him.
Casey! Back! Back! I can't hold it much Very weak sides! Casey? Last chance.
Where's Chuck Bartowski? Hope I'm not too late to object to this union.
Take these two to my plane and strangle them.
We're not going anywhere.
Really? Who's gonna stop me? One little girl with, ahh, one little gun? Casey, this is unacceptable.
Shut up, Chuck.
Try two little girls.
She looks good with a gun.
- Morgan.
Morgan.
- Damn, Ma, I got my headgear on.
Wake up! Wake up.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, God.
What are you doing in here? What are you talking about? You begged me not to leave.
Okay, There's, um Oh, there's aspirin on your side of the That side of the bed.
If you could get me six, please? Yeah, anything you, uh, want.
Anything you need.
Here.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
For last night.
- You know nothing happened.
- Mostly thanks for that.
Look, Ellie, I would pretty much do anything for you.
You're kind of like a sister to me.
- A sister I wanna have sex with so bad.
Oh, God, Morgan.
Whoa! Hey, big guy.
What's up? Man, nothing happening over here.
Just kind of Not the face! Honey? Come here.
I wanna show you something.
Happy anniversary, baby.
Devon.
I'm sorry I got so mad at you.
No, you were right.
I was being selfish.
I got a glimpse of what my life would be like without you.
Not a pretty picture.
Uh, dude? I feel like I owe you an explanation and I want you to know that nothing happened between me and your lady.
- I know, man.
- What do you mean, you know, man? You don't think there exists a scenario where Ellie, devastated comes into my arms for the console-loving prize? - Think about it.
- No.
It was good working with you.
You too.
You're pretty skilled.
Got some skills yourself there.
- What does he think he's doing? Guess he's trying to spy on us.
- He's got a lot to learn.
Mm-hm.
Well, I gotta go.
Victor's waiting at the airport in a holding cell.
His extradition papers just came in.
Well, you lovebirds have a safe flight.
Sorry I had to blow your cover.
I'm gonna miss llsa.
- I'm sure I'll find a new one.
- Hope to meet her someday.
Well You better get going or you're gonna miss your flight.
Goodbye, llsa.
Goodbye, Casey.
Hey.
Just so you know I'm happy you're not dead.
What's up, killer? You got yourself a new special lady friend or what? She's hopping a plane.
What? You serious? You guys gonna stay in touch? She's going back undercover.
Wow, that really sucks.
A spy's life, Chuck.
Well, don't you worry, buddy.
You'll always have me.
I'm not going anywhere.
Uh-huh.
Well, Casey I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Or not.