Cybill (1995) s01e12 Episode Script

- More cocoa? - No, thanks.
Honey, is something bothering you? It's just that I've been having a little problem with well, you know.
- Say no more.
- You've had it too? Every woman does once in a while.
You know what I use? Femigel.
- Femigel? Does it help the - Mm-hm.
- And that irritating - You bet.
Femigel.
For that thing you just can't talk about.
- Thanks.
- What are moms for? You're not just my mom.
You're my best friend.
You don't need to drive me to school any more.
Come on.
I thought it was very tastefully done, considering it's about you know.
- Is this a national commercial? - Yeah.
Why? Oh, man, we can't even move to another state.
But I get a whole case of the stuff for free.
You can give it to all your friends.
I forgot to tell you.
My boyfriend's coming down from San Francisco for the weekend.
- Do you mind if he stays here? - Wait a minute.
- You have a boyfriend? - Yes.
Tell me all about him.
What's his name? I knew this would be an interrogation.
It's not.
I'm just interested.
- Forget it.
- No.
Tell me about your boyfriend.
Please don't call him my boyfriend.
He does have a name.
But I don't know it.
- Don't yell.
- I'm not yelling.
- Can he stay here or not? - Yes! Thank you, Mother.
I'm not just your mother.
I'm your best friend.
Loving one who loves you And then taking that vow Nice work if you can get it And if you get it Won't you tell me how? - What happened to your make-up case? - Nothing, it's just very expensive.
I don't wanna risk travelling with it.
- Are you sure mine's cheap enough? - It's not real leather.
I bought some make-up, I got a free bag.
Bite me.
- How are you and Bob getting to Reno? - We're flying.
On the wings of love.
Is that on a Burbank? I'm thinking if the weekend goes well I'll ask Bob to move in with me.
And then who knows? A short engagement, a June wedding, a surrogate mother to carry our child.
That's funny.
Surrogate mother! Come on, Maryann, laugh with me.
How come you're not laughing? Why should I laugh? I love my Bob.
I know, but you've only known your Bob a month.
Cybill, when you're in love you don't count the days, you savour the moments.
Why can't you and Bob just keep dating? Take it slow.
Try a little moderation in your life.
Moderation.
Interesting.
Let me consider it.
(Snores) That's it.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
(Shrieking) (Doorbell) - Hi.
- Hi.
This was on the porch.
- Great.
- What's Femigel? It's for uh you know.
Agh! - You need a whole case? Are you OK? - I'm fine.
What do you want? Oh, uh, I've been thinking about it and it may be better if Zoey's boyfriend slept at my house instead of here.
- Why don't we tell her we don't trust her? - We have, lots of times.
Maybe that's why she keeps things from us.
I don't want her to feel she has to hide her life from me.
- Oh, I get it, you wanna be her friend.
- What's wrong with that? I used to love mothers like you.
I used to sleep over in Stacey Glick's room after we had stollen with her mom.
I'm not Stacey Glick's mom and I'm not my mom.
She kept me away from boys and it didn't work.
We can make it work.
We have the technology now.
Don't be silly.
My dad nailed my window shut and I still got out.
Met boys under the bleachers, at the drive-in, at the Salvation Army old clothes bin.
You did the Salvation Army bin? That's like a giant hamper.
It was raining.
Give her boyfriend a chance.
You haven't even met him.
OK, fine.
What do you know about this kid? What's his name? His name is Greg.
He used to go to school with me, then his family moved.
His brother is driving him down for the weekend.
- OK, can I go? - No.
(Sighs) Zoey, I have some very deep concerns about what's gonna happen here.
So here's your mother to tell you about them.
Cybill? - That was really pathetic.
- Thank you.
Honey, I'm thrilled that you feel comfortable enough to invite Greg for the weekend.
I for one can't wait to meet Greg.
Now, I know Annie's mom lets her boyfriend sleep in her room - What? - Calm down.
- Who are you letting her run around with? - No one.
You knew her friend was having sex? A girl that age has no business having sex.
There are laws.
Laws made by whom? Middle-aged men who think they can tell women what they can do with their bodies? Annie has the right to sleep with whomever she wants.
- Right on, Mom.
- Don't think this applies to you.
Look at what a hypocrite you are.
I'm a hypocrite? Who spent the night in Stacey Glick's bedroom? I didn't say it was right.
You can't just say no over and over again.
I don't want my daughter rushing into something I'm not she's not ready for.
- Excuse me.
Just a reminder.
I'm here.
- We know, honey.
I don't want her rushing but I want her prepared.
If anybody's interested I haven't had sex with Greg and I don't intend to.
- Well, that's a relief.
- I'm surprised you believe her.
I don't.
I was just deluding myself.
You mind? (Doorbell) (Both) Hey! - How are you? - Hey, Mr Wizard.
- Forgot your bag.
- Oh, thanks.
- Uh, Zoey, my brother Scott.
- Hey, Scott.
- And your wallet and your shoes.
- Uh-huh.
I'll pick you up tomorrow at noon, OK? That's both hands straight up.
- Aren't you going to introduce us? - Must you embarrass me? Zoey, nobody's done anything to be embarrassed about.
Hey, Femigel! So, Greg, I guess you're starting to think about college? - No, music.
- Ooh, an aspiring musician.
Nah, roadie.
- Ooh, an aspiring roadie.
- Ira.
Yeah, my cousin was a roadie for Pearl Jam.
It sounded cool.
Airplanes, carry stuff, meet people.
If your roadie plans don't work out you can always be a SkyCab.
- A what? - Never mind.
Zoey, whatever you're getting back at us for, we apologise.
I was a roadie once.
I had some great times.
Jeff, please don't help.
Oh, you have awesome teeth! Thank you.
What a sweet thing to say.
A lot of old ladies have those yellow corn teeth.
Make you sick looking at them.
So, Greg, how did you and Zoey meet? Uh, just hanging, you know.
Oh, sure.
That's how I met Zoey's mother.
Hanging.
Greg, what do your parents do? My dad works in this big office and my mom sells stuff.
- Drugs? - Ira.
What? I'm seeing a glimmer of an explanation here.
- Don't alienate this boy, Ira.
- He's an idiot.
I wanna alienate him.
This is important to Zoey.
If I wrapped a bag around his head I wonder if he'd have the good sense to struggle.
- He said I had awesome teeth.
- I'll rent the hall, you hire the band.
They're not gonna get married, they're just gonna Just gonna what? They're gonna breed.
Little red-haired dumb-assed roadie babies.
Hundreds.
You're over-thinking this.
With kids you keep 'em off the street and tell 'em you love 'em.
Look how well my daughter turned out.
- You mean Rachel? - She's my daughter.
- Yeah, technically.
- Guys, don't go down that road.
Excuse me, I raised her since she was six years old.
I was here when she got braces, when she had chicken pox.
I drove her to the prom.
- You followed her to the prom.
- As any good father would.
Who taught her how to swim, how to ski? - So what? You did all the fun stuff.
- Fun stuff? Who held her head when she got drunk for the first time and puked up? - Who got her drunk? - It was her birthday.
- Cybill, tell him.
- You were both good fathers.
Ira in an overbearing, neurotic way and Jeff in a philandering, absent way.
- See? - See? Oh, excuse me.
Baby on board.
Um, I brake for animals.
No, Greg, she'd rather you didn't smoke.
Oh.
I thought we were playing the bumper sticker game.
- Smoke outside.
- Cool.
- Oh, Zoey.
- What? I really dated some losers in my time, but this guy, wow.
- This is a cry for help, isn't it? - You may be right, Rach.
If I'm not careful I'll wind up pregnant, hiding from my husband in my mother's house, eating everything that can't run away.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You want a medal for being a Disneyland dad? - No, but you can't take all the credit.
- 31 hours of labour.
Hello.
- It just so happens I'm eating for two, Zoey.
- Two what, emerging nations? - (Phone) - Hello.
Maryann? - Don't upset yourself.
- I'm her father.
- I can't hear you.
- Rachel, admit it.
Nobody likes Kevin.
Don't do that.
What? (AII arguing) Shut up! Maryann, listen to me.
Don't you do anything until I get there.
You promise? Good.
I'm on my way.
I've got to stop Maryann marrying.
Ira, keep an eye on things.
(AII arguing) (Shrieks) Bye.
Hey, Zoey.
Look.
(Sam And Dave: Hold On I'm Coming) Don't you ever be sad Lean on me when times are bad When the day comes and you're down In a river of trouble and about to drown Hold on, I'm coming Hold on, I'm coming I'm on my way, your lover If you get cold, I'll be your cover Don't have to worry, don't have to fear Don't need to suffer, baby, cos I'm here - When's he gonna go to sleep? - When I'm 35.
Whoa.
- So, you kids need anything? Chips, soda? - We're fine.
- What you watching? - The television.
(Laughs) Good one.
What was? I'll leave you two alone.
- Hey, where do I sleep? - You can sleep in Rachel's old room.
The one right next to yours? Ha, ha.
Greg'll sleep right here.
On the couch? When I was married to your mother I spent a lot of nights on this couch.
If your parents had their own room why did they sleep on the couch? No, what he meant was Beats me.
Cos I'm here Hold on, I'm coming Hold on, I'm coming Hold on, I'm coming Hold on, I'm coming Reach out to me for satisfaction Baby, did you get that? What you gotta do Call my name for quick reaction Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - You can see better from the patio.
- If they catch you they can lock you out.
I learnt it the hard way with Rachel.
That's what I wanted to talk about.
You were right about what you said earlier.
I probably wasn't around as much as I should have been and you were.
You were a good stepfather to Rachel.
I never thanked you for that.
- No, you never did.
- Oh, well OK, thank you.
You're welcome.
To tell you the truth, there was a time or two I wished I was a little more like you.
You know, more mature, responsible.
Really? Huh.
Now would be a nice time for you to say something good about me.
Off the top of my head? You're a good man.
You got a good heart and I know you did the best you could.
- Thanks.
- Let's not hug, OK? Deal.
I'm tired.
I'm gonna go to sleep.
- At 10:30 on a Saturday night? - Yes.
Is that OK? - Yeah, I guess.
- You don't have to stay all night, you know.
I know.
- You're gonna stay all night, aren't you? - Damn right.
- What does she see in that guy anyway? - Well, duh.
- Duh? - Duh.
Hey, that's my daughter you're talking about.
Ira, when a smart girl is interested in a guy with no brains, personality or money, what's left? Oh, God.
I hope that's gas.
(Romantic organ music) Love, look at the two of us Strangers in many ways Come on, lady, I got people waiting.
You're not the only drunk in Reno who wants to get married.
- We've got - Let me in! Cybill! Oh, my maid of honour has arrived.
Hildegard, if you please.
- (Here Comes The Bride) - Cybill, it's so good of you to come.
Stop.
Stop the ceremony.
Stop the music.
I said stop the music! Maryann, I know you love Bob but you cannot marry Bob.
This isn't Bob.
Where's Bob? I don't know.
Probably with his wife.
- Oh, he's married.
- You knew and you didn't tell me? No.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Maryann.
Que sera Things worked out for the best.
If I hadn't found out about Bob, I never would have met my true amour, Stefan.
Oh, I wish this story was over.
Stefan is a supremely gifted magician who appears nightly at Harrah's.
He pulled a rabbit out of my brassiere at the dinner show.
Maryann, you can't marry this man.
Ah, but I can.
I'm going to be Mrs The Amazing Stefan.
Maryann I know you think I'm rushing into this but I've thought a lot about it.
Any two people can make a marriage work, even strangers.
Take my grandparents.
They had an arranged marriage.
Never met before their wedding day.
And yet they had 75 wonderful years together before my grandfather hung himself.
That's enough.
Look, Mr Amazing, I'm sure you're a very nice magician, but my friend here is extremely vulnerable right now and marrying her now would be a bad idea.
- Presto! - Excuse me? Oh, I forgot to tell you the piece de resistance.
He doesn't speak English, do you, mon cher? Voila! Isn't he adorable? - On with the ceremony.
- No.
Maryann, marrying Stefan won't make you feel better about Bob.
I know you're hurt and angry but this is a terrible mistake.
Au contraire, cherie.
I know what I'm doing.
All right.
How about this, Madame Bovary? You know that alimony cheque you get every month from Dr Dick? If you marry Stefan all that money is gonna disappear and you're gonna end up stuck in Reno with a poor lounge magician.
So nice to have met you.
Oh, Cybill, I feel so stupid.
If I hadn't picked the lock on Bob's briefcase I never would have known he was married.
Maryann, you're not stupid.
You just got taken in by a lousy crumb bum.
But I really did care about that lousy crumb bum.
I know.
But marrying a lounge magician was not the answer.
You're right.
I should have had Bob whacked instead.
Anyway, I wasn't really gonna marry Stefan.
Maryann, you were standing in a wedding chapel.
You had the licence, the minister and the groom.
Um I was hypnotised.
That little weasel hypnotised me.
Come on, Maryann, when are you gonna start learning from your mistakes? All right.
Personal growth and self-reflection.
(Snores) Remind me I owe you another ass-kicking.
Watch this.
- No, Greg, this kind unhooks in the front.
- What? What? - Very amusing.
- Thanks for staying, Ira.
- Were you watching him all night? - You said keep an eye on things.
- Why didn't you tie a bell round his neck? - If I had a bell Great.
Now you've proven how little we trust Zoey.
No, I've proven that this is not a house where anything goes.
Ira, I know my daughter.
If she says she's not having sex with Greg, I believe she's not having sex with Greg.
- I had a good time.
Thanks.
- Yeah, me too.
- I hope Greg wasn't too much trouble.
- No, it worked out great.
My parents are totally baffled.
I'm just curious.
Did he used to snack on paint chips when he was a baby? No, it's genetic.
Different father.
- Like Rachel and me.
- Yes.
So when do you think you'll be back in town? They are giving me my masters degree early so I can start on my doctorate at USC.
Unless I go to Oxford, but I don't want to be that far away from you.
I like your priorities.
I have to go.
- Um email me.
- I will.
Well, goodbye, Greg.
Glad you could come.
Uh, yeah.
I had a really nice time.
Thanks for your hospital-tality.
Zoey, aren't you going to kiss your boyfriend goodbye? - Very nice.
Goodbye.
- Bye.
- It's been a pleasure.
- Nice meeting you.
Good luck at USC.
If you're around, feel free to drop by.
Thank you.
I will.
I don't get it.
Why can't she go out with someone smart like that? - Ira, you just don't understand teenagers.
- I guess not.
You have a very promising future ahead of you.
Thanks.