Dharma & Greg s01e12 Episode Script

[Puffs.]
Well, lookwho's smoking.
Must be Christmas.
Gregory, I am a wreck.
I am absolutely a wreck.
Yourfather has that infernal train set out and your delightful cousin Jennifer is here, and then to top it all off the maid seems to have switched to menthol- aah! - Mother, haveyou lost weight? - [ Sighs .]
Oh, Gregory, please, that won't work.
- No, I'm-I'm serious.
- Well, maybe I have.
Do I look a little- Could be.
Come in.
Come in.
I don't playwith trains, Uncle Edward.
I'm not five.
Suityourself, little lady.
Here we go.
[ Chuckling .]
Whoo, whoo, whoo! Jennifer, dear, lookwho's here! Your cousin, Gregory.
So, uh,Jennifer, how haveyou been? Just dandy.
Hey, I got, uh, married since I last sawyou.
Huh.
I always thoughtyou were gay.
- Well, now, why don'tyou two just catch up? - [ Clears Throat .]
Oh, and, Gregory, so thatyou don't tread over ground that we've already covered uh, school bites, Christmas bites, oh, and the sugar cookies over there bite the big one.
- [ Chuckles .]
- So, I heard your mother got married again.
She's on her honeymoon with a rich old guywho's been clinically dead twice.
Somebody's got a new daddy.
[ Chuckles .]
[Dharma .]
Hey, every.
body, look outside! [Kitty.]
Oh, Lord.
Fa la, la, la Fa la, la, la - Hey, hey, hey Merry.
Christmas - That's my wife.
- The one with the antlers.
- Fa la, la, la, hey, hey, hey - [ Larry .]
Happy Hanukkah - Did I mention she might bring friends over? No, I don't believe you did, Gregory.
- Hey, hey, hey - Can we useyour bathroom? [ Singing Continues .]
Here's a cookie.
Merry Christmas.
Here's a cookie.
Merry Christmas.
Here's a- Oh, oh, oh, sir, you dropped your glove.
I wouldn't wantyou to have to come back.
So wereyou surprised when we showed up? - Not as surprised as my mother.
- I know.
For a while there I didn't think she was gonna let us in.
That's because, for a while there, she wasn't.
Thanks for the nog, man, and have a joyous holiday ofyour choosing ifindeed you choose to celebrate a holiday at all.
And a Happy New Year, ifyou people believe in calendars.
Kitty, areyou sureyou don't want to come caroling with us? We're gonna be in your neighborhood for a while.
That's a lovely invitation, Abby but I don't know any of my neighbors, and I prefer to keep it that way.
Okay.
Well, sorry ifwe muddied up your house.
- Butyou did turn the sprinklers on us.
- [ Chuckling .]
Uh, Dharma, I'd likeyou to meet my cousin Jennifer.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Dharma.
So did you marry Greg for his money? Ooh, open hostility.
[ Chuckles .]
You know, ifyou want to become more sneaky at it,just watch your Aunt Kitty.
Well,Jennifer is staying with us while her mother is honeymooning in Bali for 1 0 wonderful days.
- Like this isn't hell on a stick for me.
- [ Chuckles .]
Oh, isn't she just a charming cauldron of rage and hormones? Come on, Kitty, you remember 1 6.
You hateyour hair, you hateyour skin your parents just moved into a solar-powered sod hut and you can't have friends over 'causeyour dad's mowin' the roof.
You know what, Dharma, you are right.
Jennifer should not be stuck here with us.
She should be with some happening young people likeyou and Gregory.
- Dharma didn't say that.
- Greg, I think it's a great idea.
She'll have so much more fun with us.
- She didn't saythat either.
[ Chuckles .]
- Gregory, please.
You would be doing me an enormous favor.
I do not know what to do with a 1 6-year-old, and I already have my hands full.
- What doyou mean, you haveyour hands full? - Hey, Kitty, look! I'm a giant! Du-du-du-du-du-du- okay! I know what does not bite.
Cheesy movie and dairy-free pizza.
- Nah.
- Okay.
Uh- Oh! Wanna go throw this off the roof? - I don't think so.
- Okay, how- Okay.
How 'bout prank phone calls? - Who do you want to call? - The pope.
They never put your call through, but I know someone else who makes you kiss their ring.
Yes, Kitty Montgomery.
Yes, this is Alice Penderwalt.
I've been watching you for quite some time on the golf course and I thinkyou are a very handsome woman.
- [Footsteps .]
- [Greg.]
What's going on? - She's pranking your mom.
- Again? Dharma, she's gonna- - She's gonna figure it out! - Greg, she can't even figure out star-69.
- [ Ringing .]
- [ Gasps .]
- Uh-oh.
- [ Ringing Continues .]
Two more rings and the machine picks it up.
Happy holidays, Penderwalt residence.
Yes, sorry about hanging up like that.
My husband, Walter, walked into the room.
Uh, so, doyou want to meet for drinks orjust get soapy and go for it? Hello? [ Groans .]
That was a close one.
What ifshe said yes? W-Wait.
I withdraw the question.
- Your turn.
- No, look, I'm just tired.
Where's my bedroom? Oh, all right.
Come here with me.
I'll showya.
[ Grunts .]
[ Imitating Brakes Squealing .]
Well, what doya think? - Areyou kidding me? I'm sleeping here? - Well, you, Stinky and Nunzio.
I'm sleeping with a dog named Stinky? [ Chuckling .]
Yeah, but Nunzio's the one toworry about.
Yeah, no matter how much he begs, don't pull his tail.
- Whoa! Dharma! - Geez! My little cousin's downstairs.
Greg! Firstyou won't do it in your parents' bathroom and then you won't do it in the back ofthe cab-what's going on? - She might hear us.
- So what? - Didn'tyou ever hearyour parents having sex? - Areyou kidding? - I've never seen my fatherwithout his shirt on.
- Greg, she's sound asleep.
- We don't know that.
- Well, then, let's go check.
[ Dharma Gasping .]
See, she's not listening to us.
She's busy.
Whoa, whoa, what's going on here? Who areyou? Greg, come on.
Hi, I'm Dharma.
Sorry to invadeyour space.
We'll just get to knowyou better over breakfast.
[ Greg.]
No, no! Not breakfiast.
- We have rules in this house.
- Oh, you're right.
What was I thinking? Do you have a condom? - Dharma! - Ifthey're planning on having intercourse- No one is having intercourse in this house.
Well, you're right about that.
You! Shoe gazer.
- Out! - Greg.
Here's your, uh,jacket.
Here's your skateboard.
- Uh, wait.
Can I say something? - What? Time's up.
- Oh, that was cool.
- Really cool.
[ Together.]
Can I seeyou upstairs? God, I can't believeyou did that.
I can't believeyou just kicked him out like that.
Well, it's better than handing him a condom and putting Sade on the stereo.
Sade? - Okay, BarryWhite.
- BarryWhite? Dharma, not everybody likes John Philip Sousa when they're making love.
- Oh, please.
- The point is, we shouldn't be encouraging them.
Greg, ifthey're going to have sex don'tyou think it's better that they have it here? No! They should come up with a plan, sneak out - say they're spending the night at a friend's house.
- Oh, they should lie.
Yes.
And ifthey get awaywith it, they deserve to have sex.
That is so sick.
No, it's Darwinian.
The brightest ones get to breed.
This is ridiculous.
I'm going downstairs and I'm going to apologize.
- Apologize forwhat? -Jennifer-Jennifer? Jennifer! - Her stuffs gone.
- Oh, man, she split.
All right.
You stay here.
I'm gonna, uh, throw some clothes on and go look for her.
- Oh- - [KnockingAt Door.]
I got a condom.
No, Kitty, I didn't loseJennifer.
I just want a picture ofher, you know, for mywallet.
Okay.
Sorry to wake you.
[ Chuckles .]
Excuse me? Uh, no.
I don't know any Alice Penderwalt.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
- No luck? - I looked everywhere.
Stinky and Nunzio couldn't pick up the scent? No, they picked up a scent, all right, but only 'cause they rolled in it.
[DoorOpens .]
Guess who I found in the laundry room.
The laundry room? I'm wandering around the city in the middle ofthe night with Roly-Poly and the Urinater and you're- - Hiding in the laundry room? - Greg, please.
-Jennifer, areyou okay? - I'm fine.
Who hides in the laundry room? What areyou, a sock? - Areyou done? - Yeah.
Good.
Jennifer, your running away really upsetyour fellow community members.
Now how doyou feel we should handle this? Who cares how she feels? She has no say in this.
Oh, so I suppose when we have children, they'll have no say in how they're raised.
Oh, come on, Dharma, doyou ask Stinky and Nunzio how they should be trained? - Well, as a matter offact- - Let's not get into that.
- Can you excuse us a minute? - No, she doesn't have to leave if she doesn't want to.
- No, I want to.
- Okay, ifthat's whatyou want to do.
- Dharma, she needs to be punished.
- That's exactlywhat she wants.
- Then it's her lucky day.
- Don'tyou understand? Jennifer gets into trouble because she's starved for attention and punishment is just negative attention.
So true.
Then what kind of attention doyou suggest we give her? Well, I was thinkingJane and I are gonna go Christmas shopping.
- As German tourists, of course.
- Of course.
So, I thought we'd take her along with us.
Wait.
Because she stayed out all night, she gets to go shopping? No, Greg, because she gets to go shopping, she won't feel the need to stay out all night.
- So what's the verdict? - [ Sighs .]
Dharma's taking you shopping as a German tourist, and let that be a lesson toya.
[ Speaking Fake German .]
Oh, "liken starken sveater?" - "Das is nicen poofen sveater.
" -Ja.
"Assen warmin' poofen sveater for our freezin' hooters.
" [ Chuckles .]
These are very expensive.
May I help you? [ Together.]
"Ja, may I help you?" - Do you need some help? - Ja,ja, Planet Hollywood.
- Party every night! - [ Singing Nonsense Song .]
Whoo! [ Laughs .]
They're from outta town.
I'm very busy.
Are they shopping? "Aah, kosten poofen sveater?" - Theywant to know how much the sweater costs.
- It's $78.
Seventy-eight dollars.
[ Speaking Fake German .]
"Schleventy eighten dollarzen.
" - Schleventy eighten dollarzen? - Costen vay too muchen.
Ja.
"Dasen einen Donald Trumpen poofen sveater.
" They say it's a little pricey.
Well, the sale table is over there.
"Cheapen sveaters herezin.
" "Cheapen sveaters sucken muchen.
" - They don't like 'em.
- I got that.
Uh, uh- Please, please, um- [ With A German Accent .]
The polar bears are my lunch.
I'm sorry? Polar bears? Pol-ar, pol-ah- Vroom! Vroom! What doyou want? - Pol-ar? - Give me this.
[Reading Phrase Book.]
"Kann ich dirhelfien?" "Fraulein poopen mouthen!" "Ve going to make heap biggen schtinken mit die überbossen!" [ Laughs .]
- Oh! - Danke! - Happy birthday to your head.
- Ja.
- Man, you guys are nuts.
- [ Chuckling .]
Oh, this is nothing.
You should see Siamese twins who share a brain.
- Hey, that's my idea! - No, it's my idea! - [ Both Whining .]
- Hey, I know what we should do.
- Let's go to Cinnabon as Siamese triplets.
- [ Laughing .]
- Right on.
- Wait a minute.
What's this? - Nothing.
- Did you steal this? - Now what doyou want? - "Steal dis poofen sveater, dis kinderbraten.
" - What? - "Shmack, shmack, shmack dis little vienerschnit.
" Excuse, me, I have other customers.
-Jennifer, tell "themstein.
" - [ Sighs .]
Hey, look, I'm sorry, and I feel really bad about this, but - they stole this sweater.
- Nein, nein, nein.
- They stole nine sweaters.
- Nein! - Does anyone here speak German? - Yes, I do.
- Please, ask them what's wrong.
- [ Speaking Real German .]
[ Chuckling .]
"Farfegnugen?" I don't get what the big deal is.
The big deal is,Jane and I had to sit in that security office and convince them that we were escaped mental patients.
Well, ifyou hadn't done that stupid German thing- Ah, ah, ah, stealing is wayworse than faking German, now scrub.
- [Opening Door.]
- Hey, what's goin' on? Well,your cousin stole a sweaterfirom the mall.
- What? - Don't worry.
I'm punishing her.
By scrubbing the floor? It's a little Cinderella, don't you think? Yeah! That's where I got it! And after she's done with that, she's gonna sew me a ball gown, aren'tya? - Dharma, can I speak toyou in the hallway? - Sure.
First ofall, I'm glad you've realized the importance of discipline.
Thankyou.
But? Butyou don't pick punishments out offairytales.
Greg, it's not like I locked her in a tower and made some guy climb up her hair.
Dharma, think back.
How did your parents punish you? [ Sighing .]
Well, one time I got sent to bed without meditating but that's just 'cause I threw a piece of plastic on a compost heap.
Well, you clearly had that coming.
- Listen, why don't we just ground her? - See, I'd love to - but how do we do that? - Easy.
Just tell her she can't leave the apartment.
How will that make her more grounded? - Wow.
Okay.
Follow me on this.
- I'm right behind ya.
Jennifer, you're grounded.
Gee, Greg, ifit was that easy, everybodywould be grounded.
No phone, no TV, no friends.
You're not to leave this house.
- Oh, yeah, watch me.
- Hey, where areyou going? Look, tell my mother I shoplifted, tell my Aunt Kitty.
I don't care.
- I'm outta here.
- No, no, no, you're not going anywhere.
You are going to get grounded.
- Right? - Close enough.
What areyou gonna do, watch me all night? - [ Sniffing .]
Everything okay down here? - Yep.
- It's really late.
You, uh, want me to take over? - Nah.
Got my second wind.
Okay.
Uh, can I ask whyyou're sitting there? 'CauseJennifer said there's never anything good on TV.
[ Chuckling .]
You know, ifl wanted to leave, you couldn't stop me.
Oh, I'd bustyou open Iike a can ofthose refrigerator biscuit things.
All right.
I'm just gonna go to sleep.
Good.
I'm glad you finally came toyour senses.
- I'll go getyou a blanket.
- Thanks.
[ Drowsily.]
Don't even think about it.
[Yawning .]
- [Bird Chirping.]
- What was that? Uh, that was either a bird, or the guy upstairs who thinks he's a bird.
Eitherway, it's dawn.
- What areyou doing? - I must greet the dawn.
Hello, dawn! - You are such a freak.
- And you are the Shoemaster General.
- Whoo! - Why areyou doing this? - Doing what? - This.
You don't even know me.
Why doyou care what I do? I'll tell you why.
I will tell you why.
I will tell you why.
What was the question again? Oh, wait.
Now I remember.
[ Sighs .]
Okay.
I care whatyou do because people should care what other people do.
- Well, people don't.
- Well, I don't care what other people do.
- Butyou just said that- - Hey, you know what? I haven't slept since I metyou, so just give me a break, okay? Okay.
Well, thanks for caring.
Can I go now? - Who's stopping you? - You are so weird.
- Where areyou gonna go? - I don't know, get some breakfast.
- You wanna come? - [ Gasps .]
Yeah, you know what? Actually, I could go for some pancakes.
How about German pancakes? Ah, wunderbar.
- Undstrudel? Ooh! - Ooh! - Is it my turn? - Hold your horses.
- What? What are you doing? - Oh, I made natural ornaments for everyone this year.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
You don't put pine cones on a tree.
Finkelstein, for the last time, keepyour mitts off of my caboose.
You said, next time through the tunnel, I get to go.
Hey, hey, hey, what's going on over here? - He won't let me drive the train.
- You're not gonna drive my train until you take a urine test.
You two share, or the train's going back in the box, and you'll never see it again.
- [ Grunts .]
Stupid! - See? - [Phone Ringing.]
- Hello? Oh, Kitty, it's foryou.
It's Alice Penderwalt.
Oh, uh, I'll, uh, take that upstairs.
It's Jane.
My idea.
- Very good.
I'm proud ofyou.
- [ Laughing .]
Now fork over the spiked eggnog.
It's 4 to 6 Foot!