Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e12 Episode Script
Every Dog Has His Doogie
Look at him--his skin, eyes--he's jaundiced.
It could be hepatitis, a stone, hemolytic anemia, cancer, sepsis.
Anything.
We've got to admit him and run some tests.
I'm sorry, Dr.
howser.
He doesn't have an address.
No social security, no insurance.
And he only goes by the name Jupiter.
He's a human being.
That's enough.
Not in this hospital.
Go to the county health care center.
This is the address.
Ask for Dr.
Bennett.
He's a good buddy.
Here.
Take the number three bus.
I'm sorry.
I'm just doing my job.
Mrs.
mccormick, you know that pink organ donor card on your driver's license? Yes.
I have one.
Scratch off "heart.
" Dr.
howser, can i see you in there for a minute? I understand your frustration, but don't kill the messenger.
She's doing her job.
I've turned away four homeless persons today.
It's not cuts and bruises.
There's a flu epidemic.
These people could die.
There are county facilities, Douglas.
How will they get there? They're broke.
I'm on your side emotionally.
Economically, i have a budget.
How can we spend $1 million on a biliary lithotriptor when we're turning away people to die? I wish we could do both, but the reality is when people donate $1 million, they want their names on a shiny gold plaque, and unfortunately, money talks.
Dr.
canfield, please report to the board room.
And when money talks, i have to listen.
How is it, Dr.
canfield, that you're running at 90% average occupancy with a gross income of over $200 million, yet your bottom line is barely 1/10 of 1% in the black? Third-party carriers are paying less, leaving us with bad debts.
Additionally, medicare patients make up over 50% of our admissions.
Right now, medicare is paying less than cost.
We all know about medicare.
Your gross income is still huge.
We also have huge expenses.
Why aren't we more aggressive? We need more fund raisers, something to increase charitable contributions.
Well, you'll note that on page 11, Anthony j.
Castaldo gave 2 million, Michael finetti gave us 500,000.
Overall, our contributions are up 4%.
Barely inflation.
We should be doing better.
I'd like to see where these dollars are going.
The reconstruction of the east wing.
It's now one of the most technically advanced-- show us.
Very well.
We'll set up an appointment for, let's say Bernice, cancel my 3:00 proctology appointment.
I think I just had it.
Please! He's just a dog.
He's my friend, my only friend.
Honey, I'm sorry.
We can't help you.
There's no one out there to help me.
We can't treat your dog.
Isn't this a hospital? I'll handle this.
Don't even say it.
What's the problem? He's going to die.
Tell me what happened.
I was on my bike.
Russell was running alongside.
Then suddenly, he was gone.
He must have gotten too far behind me.
I heard the brakes, then I saw this car hit him and keep on going.
Why didn't you take him to the vet? I don't have any money.
Please, you got to help him.
It doesn't look bad-- plain fracture across the neck of the femur.
Needs reduction, but the fragments are in good position.
No joint replacement necessary.
It could easily be pinned.
How did you get this mutt through X-ray? Heavy sedation.
Plus, cassmier was on duty.
I threw in a pair of my dad's laker tickets.
What's your plan, doog? First I'll stabilize him.
It should be easy to repair.
Who's going to do it? We are.
Now hold it.
What about a vet? Do you know what a vet would cost? Surgery, boarding, that's over $1,000.
How will you get a dog into the O.
R.
? Number four.
The observation gallery isn't finished, but the room's functional and ready.
We'll probably need some lights.
And Myers is a dog freak.
He'll do the anesthesia.
With you two on board, we can be in and out-- half-hour, Max.
I really don't think we should do this.
She's right.
Don't even ask.
Well I won't send six years of work down the drain for a mutt with a busted hip.
What? Shh.
Come here.
Jack, curly Meet Russell.
Russell, this is Jack.
This is curly.
Ohh.
Hi, boy.
I really hate you, doogie.
Who can say no to this? This is dirty pool.
Well, I know, but it had to be done.
You'll owe me till Guam lands a man on the moon.
Ohh.
Oh.
Honey, you're a wonderful surgeon, but I'm glad none of your patients are free-range chickens.
Their joints are pretty ornery.
Have you ever performed surgery on an animal? No, son, I haven't.
Did you ever know anybody who did? Can't say I have.
What about Ted rainey? Oh, yes, Ted rainey.
Ted rainey.
Ted rainey was a radiologist I went to med school with.
The cheapest s.
O.
B.
I ever met.
David.
Arrogant, too.
Anyway, you know, it has to be at least ten years ago.
His little girl wanted a cat.
Ted was too cheap to buy one, and her mother took her to the pound, and they picked out a kitty.
Needless to say, the little girl falls in love with the kitty, and also, needless to say, ten months later, the kitty turns into a cat and goes into heat.
She had every tom in the neighborhood walking a little silly.
Not to mention the howlings keeping the neighbors up.
So rather than spend 50 bucks to spay the cat, rainey decides to do it himself.
And he gets Marty beeman, who's an anesthesiologist, to help him out.
And they go into the garage and do it.
What happened? Beeman o.
D.
S the cat with too much pentothal.
Kills it, and rainey's kid starts to cry.
Doesn't stop for two years.
Cost him a fortune in shrink bills, and his wife divorced him.
Light meat or dark? How's the patient? Fine.
How are you guys doing? Good.
Fine.
Hand me the drill and the pin.
Steady and retract a little more.
Good shot.
It came together perfectly.
Can you hand me that t-shape handled wrench? Here you go.
Perfect.
Like it had never been broken.
One more and we close.
Once completed, the operating room will be equipped with laminar-flow air circulation to decrease the chance of infection.
The lights will have remote-control movement and focusing from the field.
Everything from planning through final construction and equipment costs almost a million dollars.
What was the allocation of $150,000 for an O.
R.
gallery? Ah, yes.
Something I'm very proud of.
I know you will be, too.
Wait till you see this.
Right this way.
This particular room was designed with an observation gallery so that it can be used for teaching.
Watch your step.
There's an intercom system that enables us to communicate directly-- doctor, there's a surgery going on right now.
I wasn't aware any surgeries were scheduled in here yet.
Hello, down there.
This is Dr.
canfield.
Who are you? And what kind of surgery are you doing? It's me.
Dr.
howser, sir.
We're finishing up some minor surgery.
We had to use this facility.
Everything else is backed up.
Oh, by the way, it's a beauty.
It's really, really very nice.
Dr.
howser Is that a dog? Oh.
Uh, yes.
I believe it is, sir.
Howser.
This is absolutely the worst violation of hospital policy I've ever seen here.
Not only did you perform surgery on a canine in an operating room, but you coerced other doctors into assisting you.
I take full responsibility.
I want the names of your co-conspirators, Douglas.
No way.
You can fire me before I do that.
Firing you isn't even an issue.
I tried to talk them out of it, but the board has officially suspended you.
As of this moment, you are out of here.
But I was just trying to help this kid out.
I was trying to do something humane, something I rarely see around here.
We're turning away people who need medical help just because they're homeless.
Something should be done about that.
I don't disagree with you on that, but the solution to the problem doesn't lie in performing covert surgery on a canine.
Where's the dog now? In recovery.
I want it out of here within 24 hours.
Douglas I'm going to continue to try to get you reinstated as soon as possible, but don't hold your breath.
Thanks.
Ooh! This is a humongous zit.
Maybe it's not a zit, but a volcano.
I think I got it.
There.
Looks like i got it all.
You are depressed.
Vinnie, I was fired.
This is my life we're talking about, my career.
I love my work.
There are plenty of hospitals out there, doog.
None for a doctor who got fired at 16 for operating on a dog.
Don't worry.
They'll ask you back.
These people I'm dealing with are a heartless group.
You've got to appeal to their compassion.
This is a dog Man's best friend.
Part of americana.
I mean, who barks at our burglars? Who brings us our newspapers? Who trees our cats? The dog.
Canine americanus.
Vinnie, I won't even get a chance to appeal.
You can say you thought it was a midget with a hormone problem.
You're dead, aren't you? No.
Right now I'm just fired.
When my father gets home, then I'm going to be dead.
Your mother told me what happened, Douglas.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I know how much you sacrificed for me, and I know how much my success means to you both.
I don't know what to say.
Your mother and i sometimes take issue with your impetuousness, but we support your humanity and instincts to do good.
You can teach somebody medicine, but you can't teach somebody compassion.
And you've got that in spades, doogie.
We're very proud of you.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, dad.
If eastman medical doesn't take you back, I wouldn't worry.
There's room on the shingle for howser and son.
That would be great.
And if that doesn't work out, you could always be a veterinarian.
Put this in his food three times daily.
He should be up and moving soon.
Oh, he can't chase cars for 27 years.
Thanks, Dr.
howser.
It's doogie to you.
Thank these people, too.
Thanks.
From Russell, too.
We're going to miss you, doogie.
Yeah.
Hang in there, guy.
This will blow over.
You'll be back real soon.
Oh, doogie, who's going to finish my desserts? Keep in touch.
I mean it.
Come on, Billy.
I'll walk you out.
See you.
Bye.
So long.
I'm telling you, he'll be here any minute.
There's howser.
There's the kid, the dog, and your pulitzer prize.
Let's do this.
Yeah.
Dr.
howser, Janet felder, ktbe news.
Vinnie, what is this? Don't worry.
Be yourself.
We'd like to interview you about what you did.
I don't know.
IGuess it's all right.
Let's roll, stew.
AndGo.
This is Janet felder outside eastman medical.
We're with Dr.
Douglas howser.
You may remember him from a feature we did when he first came to this facility.
Is it true you've just been relieved? Yes.
Tell us why.
I performed a surgical procedure on Billy's dog.
What's the dog's name, son? Russell.
What happened to him? A car hit him.
Doogie fixed his leg.
Why did you bring him here? Because I didn't have money for the vet.
How's Russell now? Doogie says he'll be walking in a week.
I just hope doogie gets his job back.
There you have it.
A boy's dog, a young doctor with a big heart-- we'll be following up as developments unfold.
That's it.
Kids and dogs, Dr.
howser, they're irresistible.
When this hits the news, you're going to be a hero.
Thanks, Billy.
Vinnie, what was all this? Something had to be done, man.
The message is the media.
Something like that.
The negative publicity attendant to this little escapade of yours has gotten out of hand, Dr.
howser.
The switchboards are jammed.
Some of our larger contributors have threatened to take their funds elsewhere.
Notwithstanding our complete disapproval of your behavior, we're prepared to offer you a second chance.
Thank you.
There are conditions.
Absolute compliance with the rules of this hospital.
No interviews with the press.
We'll issue a joint statement about the conclusion of this incident.
Sign this.
Have an end to the matter.
I don't think so.
What do you mean? I'm not sure i want to work in a hospital that has no compassion for poor people.
This hospital cannot extend compassion to stray dogs and kids.
But it doesn't extend its compassion to the sick homeless people, either.
We're not a free clinic.
We're barely in the black.
Are you going to sign this or not? Where are you going? I've got to return Ted koppel's phone call.
Wait a moment.
What will it take to keep you here? Gee, I don't know.
A million dollars.
Are you joking? No, sir.
$1 million will set up a good treatment fund for the homeless.
All right.
What are you saying? We'll find the money somewhere.
But remember, it's for creatures that walk upright.
Are we agreed? Yes, sir.
Yes, sir! Welcome back, Dr.
howser.
Thank you, sir.
Hi, Vinnie.
What are you doing? Turn that off, and turn this on.
I'm on the news, man.
They interviewed me, and I was terrific.
It'll do wonders for my love life.
I owe it all to you.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be at eastman now.
Vinnie, you're the best friend a guy could have.
Let's forget friends and who owes what.
Here it is.
A statement was issued by eastman medical center that Dr.
Douglas howser was reinstated and a new fund has been set up establishing emergency medical care for the homeless.
Standing next to me is Vincent delpino, the man who brought Dr.
howser's plight to our attention.
Thanks for calling me a man.
You must feel proud of what you did.
That I am, Janet.
I didn't want this community to lose the genius qualities of my best friend.
He's passionate about medicine.
That's something for a 16-year-old.
Usually they're just passionate.
Believe me, I know.
This community owes you a debt of gratitude.
This is Janet felder reporting from eastman medical center.
You're very beautiful.
Well, thank, uh Back to you, don and ed.
A guy's got to do what a guy's got to do.
And you did it.
I'd love to stay and chat, but I can hear my phone ringing off the hook.
Now that I'm a media personality, women are breaking their fingernails dialing the phone.
This is Vinnie delpino.
Good night.
It could be hepatitis, a stone, hemolytic anemia, cancer, sepsis.
Anything.
We've got to admit him and run some tests.
I'm sorry, Dr.
howser.
He doesn't have an address.
No social security, no insurance.
And he only goes by the name Jupiter.
He's a human being.
That's enough.
Not in this hospital.
Go to the county health care center.
This is the address.
Ask for Dr.
Bennett.
He's a good buddy.
Here.
Take the number three bus.
I'm sorry.
I'm just doing my job.
Mrs.
mccormick, you know that pink organ donor card on your driver's license? Yes.
I have one.
Scratch off "heart.
" Dr.
howser, can i see you in there for a minute? I understand your frustration, but don't kill the messenger.
She's doing her job.
I've turned away four homeless persons today.
It's not cuts and bruises.
There's a flu epidemic.
These people could die.
There are county facilities, Douglas.
How will they get there? They're broke.
I'm on your side emotionally.
Economically, i have a budget.
How can we spend $1 million on a biliary lithotriptor when we're turning away people to die? I wish we could do both, but the reality is when people donate $1 million, they want their names on a shiny gold plaque, and unfortunately, money talks.
Dr.
canfield, please report to the board room.
And when money talks, i have to listen.
How is it, Dr.
canfield, that you're running at 90% average occupancy with a gross income of over $200 million, yet your bottom line is barely 1/10 of 1% in the black? Third-party carriers are paying less, leaving us with bad debts.
Additionally, medicare patients make up over 50% of our admissions.
Right now, medicare is paying less than cost.
We all know about medicare.
Your gross income is still huge.
We also have huge expenses.
Why aren't we more aggressive? We need more fund raisers, something to increase charitable contributions.
Well, you'll note that on page 11, Anthony j.
Castaldo gave 2 million, Michael finetti gave us 500,000.
Overall, our contributions are up 4%.
Barely inflation.
We should be doing better.
I'd like to see where these dollars are going.
The reconstruction of the east wing.
It's now one of the most technically advanced-- show us.
Very well.
We'll set up an appointment for, let's say Bernice, cancel my 3:00 proctology appointment.
I think I just had it.
Please! He's just a dog.
He's my friend, my only friend.
Honey, I'm sorry.
We can't help you.
There's no one out there to help me.
We can't treat your dog.
Isn't this a hospital? I'll handle this.
Don't even say it.
What's the problem? He's going to die.
Tell me what happened.
I was on my bike.
Russell was running alongside.
Then suddenly, he was gone.
He must have gotten too far behind me.
I heard the brakes, then I saw this car hit him and keep on going.
Why didn't you take him to the vet? I don't have any money.
Please, you got to help him.
It doesn't look bad-- plain fracture across the neck of the femur.
Needs reduction, but the fragments are in good position.
No joint replacement necessary.
It could easily be pinned.
How did you get this mutt through X-ray? Heavy sedation.
Plus, cassmier was on duty.
I threw in a pair of my dad's laker tickets.
What's your plan, doog? First I'll stabilize him.
It should be easy to repair.
Who's going to do it? We are.
Now hold it.
What about a vet? Do you know what a vet would cost? Surgery, boarding, that's over $1,000.
How will you get a dog into the O.
R.
? Number four.
The observation gallery isn't finished, but the room's functional and ready.
We'll probably need some lights.
And Myers is a dog freak.
He'll do the anesthesia.
With you two on board, we can be in and out-- half-hour, Max.
I really don't think we should do this.
She's right.
Don't even ask.
Well I won't send six years of work down the drain for a mutt with a busted hip.
What? Shh.
Come here.
Jack, curly Meet Russell.
Russell, this is Jack.
This is curly.
Ohh.
Hi, boy.
I really hate you, doogie.
Who can say no to this? This is dirty pool.
Well, I know, but it had to be done.
You'll owe me till Guam lands a man on the moon.
Ohh.
Oh.
Honey, you're a wonderful surgeon, but I'm glad none of your patients are free-range chickens.
Their joints are pretty ornery.
Have you ever performed surgery on an animal? No, son, I haven't.
Did you ever know anybody who did? Can't say I have.
What about Ted rainey? Oh, yes, Ted rainey.
Ted rainey.
Ted rainey was a radiologist I went to med school with.
The cheapest s.
O.
B.
I ever met.
David.
Arrogant, too.
Anyway, you know, it has to be at least ten years ago.
His little girl wanted a cat.
Ted was too cheap to buy one, and her mother took her to the pound, and they picked out a kitty.
Needless to say, the little girl falls in love with the kitty, and also, needless to say, ten months later, the kitty turns into a cat and goes into heat.
She had every tom in the neighborhood walking a little silly.
Not to mention the howlings keeping the neighbors up.
So rather than spend 50 bucks to spay the cat, rainey decides to do it himself.
And he gets Marty beeman, who's an anesthesiologist, to help him out.
And they go into the garage and do it.
What happened? Beeman o.
D.
S the cat with too much pentothal.
Kills it, and rainey's kid starts to cry.
Doesn't stop for two years.
Cost him a fortune in shrink bills, and his wife divorced him.
Light meat or dark? How's the patient? Fine.
How are you guys doing? Good.
Fine.
Hand me the drill and the pin.
Steady and retract a little more.
Good shot.
It came together perfectly.
Can you hand me that t-shape handled wrench? Here you go.
Perfect.
Like it had never been broken.
One more and we close.
Once completed, the operating room will be equipped with laminar-flow air circulation to decrease the chance of infection.
The lights will have remote-control movement and focusing from the field.
Everything from planning through final construction and equipment costs almost a million dollars.
What was the allocation of $150,000 for an O.
R.
gallery? Ah, yes.
Something I'm very proud of.
I know you will be, too.
Wait till you see this.
Right this way.
This particular room was designed with an observation gallery so that it can be used for teaching.
Watch your step.
There's an intercom system that enables us to communicate directly-- doctor, there's a surgery going on right now.
I wasn't aware any surgeries were scheduled in here yet.
Hello, down there.
This is Dr.
canfield.
Who are you? And what kind of surgery are you doing? It's me.
Dr.
howser, sir.
We're finishing up some minor surgery.
We had to use this facility.
Everything else is backed up.
Oh, by the way, it's a beauty.
It's really, really very nice.
Dr.
howser Is that a dog? Oh.
Uh, yes.
I believe it is, sir.
Howser.
This is absolutely the worst violation of hospital policy I've ever seen here.
Not only did you perform surgery on a canine in an operating room, but you coerced other doctors into assisting you.
I take full responsibility.
I want the names of your co-conspirators, Douglas.
No way.
You can fire me before I do that.
Firing you isn't even an issue.
I tried to talk them out of it, but the board has officially suspended you.
As of this moment, you are out of here.
But I was just trying to help this kid out.
I was trying to do something humane, something I rarely see around here.
We're turning away people who need medical help just because they're homeless.
Something should be done about that.
I don't disagree with you on that, but the solution to the problem doesn't lie in performing covert surgery on a canine.
Where's the dog now? In recovery.
I want it out of here within 24 hours.
Douglas I'm going to continue to try to get you reinstated as soon as possible, but don't hold your breath.
Thanks.
Ooh! This is a humongous zit.
Maybe it's not a zit, but a volcano.
I think I got it.
There.
Looks like i got it all.
You are depressed.
Vinnie, I was fired.
This is my life we're talking about, my career.
I love my work.
There are plenty of hospitals out there, doog.
None for a doctor who got fired at 16 for operating on a dog.
Don't worry.
They'll ask you back.
These people I'm dealing with are a heartless group.
You've got to appeal to their compassion.
This is a dog Man's best friend.
Part of americana.
I mean, who barks at our burglars? Who brings us our newspapers? Who trees our cats? The dog.
Canine americanus.
Vinnie, I won't even get a chance to appeal.
You can say you thought it was a midget with a hormone problem.
You're dead, aren't you? No.
Right now I'm just fired.
When my father gets home, then I'm going to be dead.
Your mother told me what happened, Douglas.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I know how much you sacrificed for me, and I know how much my success means to you both.
I don't know what to say.
Your mother and i sometimes take issue with your impetuousness, but we support your humanity and instincts to do good.
You can teach somebody medicine, but you can't teach somebody compassion.
And you've got that in spades, doogie.
We're very proud of you.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, dad.
If eastman medical doesn't take you back, I wouldn't worry.
There's room on the shingle for howser and son.
That would be great.
And if that doesn't work out, you could always be a veterinarian.
Put this in his food three times daily.
He should be up and moving soon.
Oh, he can't chase cars for 27 years.
Thanks, Dr.
howser.
It's doogie to you.
Thank these people, too.
Thanks.
From Russell, too.
We're going to miss you, doogie.
Yeah.
Hang in there, guy.
This will blow over.
You'll be back real soon.
Oh, doogie, who's going to finish my desserts? Keep in touch.
I mean it.
Come on, Billy.
I'll walk you out.
See you.
Bye.
So long.
I'm telling you, he'll be here any minute.
There's howser.
There's the kid, the dog, and your pulitzer prize.
Let's do this.
Yeah.
Dr.
howser, Janet felder, ktbe news.
Vinnie, what is this? Don't worry.
Be yourself.
We'd like to interview you about what you did.
I don't know.
IGuess it's all right.
Let's roll, stew.
AndGo.
This is Janet felder outside eastman medical.
We're with Dr.
Douglas howser.
You may remember him from a feature we did when he first came to this facility.
Is it true you've just been relieved? Yes.
Tell us why.
I performed a surgical procedure on Billy's dog.
What's the dog's name, son? Russell.
What happened to him? A car hit him.
Doogie fixed his leg.
Why did you bring him here? Because I didn't have money for the vet.
How's Russell now? Doogie says he'll be walking in a week.
I just hope doogie gets his job back.
There you have it.
A boy's dog, a young doctor with a big heart-- we'll be following up as developments unfold.
That's it.
Kids and dogs, Dr.
howser, they're irresistible.
When this hits the news, you're going to be a hero.
Thanks, Billy.
Vinnie, what was all this? Something had to be done, man.
The message is the media.
Something like that.
The negative publicity attendant to this little escapade of yours has gotten out of hand, Dr.
howser.
The switchboards are jammed.
Some of our larger contributors have threatened to take their funds elsewhere.
Notwithstanding our complete disapproval of your behavior, we're prepared to offer you a second chance.
Thank you.
There are conditions.
Absolute compliance with the rules of this hospital.
No interviews with the press.
We'll issue a joint statement about the conclusion of this incident.
Sign this.
Have an end to the matter.
I don't think so.
What do you mean? I'm not sure i want to work in a hospital that has no compassion for poor people.
This hospital cannot extend compassion to stray dogs and kids.
But it doesn't extend its compassion to the sick homeless people, either.
We're not a free clinic.
We're barely in the black.
Are you going to sign this or not? Where are you going? I've got to return Ted koppel's phone call.
Wait a moment.
What will it take to keep you here? Gee, I don't know.
A million dollars.
Are you joking? No, sir.
$1 million will set up a good treatment fund for the homeless.
All right.
What are you saying? We'll find the money somewhere.
But remember, it's for creatures that walk upright.
Are we agreed? Yes, sir.
Yes, sir! Welcome back, Dr.
howser.
Thank you, sir.
Hi, Vinnie.
What are you doing? Turn that off, and turn this on.
I'm on the news, man.
They interviewed me, and I was terrific.
It'll do wonders for my love life.
I owe it all to you.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be at eastman now.
Vinnie, you're the best friend a guy could have.
Let's forget friends and who owes what.
Here it is.
A statement was issued by eastman medical center that Dr.
Douglas howser was reinstated and a new fund has been set up establishing emergency medical care for the homeless.
Standing next to me is Vincent delpino, the man who brought Dr.
howser's plight to our attention.
Thanks for calling me a man.
You must feel proud of what you did.
That I am, Janet.
I didn't want this community to lose the genius qualities of my best friend.
He's passionate about medicine.
That's something for a 16-year-old.
Usually they're just passionate.
Believe me, I know.
This community owes you a debt of gratitude.
This is Janet felder reporting from eastman medical center.
You're very beautiful.
Well, thank, uh Back to you, don and ed.
A guy's got to do what a guy's got to do.
And you did it.
I'd love to stay and chat, but I can hear my phone ringing off the hook.
Now that I'm a media personality, women are breaking their fingernails dialing the phone.
This is Vinnie delpino.
Good night.