Doug (1991) s01e12 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Announcer:
FAR AWAY IN ANOTHER GALAXY
LIES A STRANGE PLANE
POPULATED WITH PEOPLE
WHO POSSESS POWERS
FAR SUPERIOR
TO ANY KNOWN ON EARTH--
PLANET BOB, BIRTHPLACE OF
THE EARTH'S MOST POWERFUL HERO:
QUAILMAN!
AND HIS FAITHFUL COMPANION,
QUAILDOG.
[ barks]
YES, QUAILMAN, STRANGE VISITOR
FROM THE PLANET BOB
WHOSE LIFELONG MISSION ON EARTH
IS TO DO GOOD.
QUAILMAN,
WHOSE QUAIL-LIKE POWERS
GIVE HIM THE ABILITY
TO BOB, DAR
AND STUPEFY ALL ENEMIES WITH
HIS EVER-POWERFUL QUAIL EYE.
QUAILMAN, FIGHTING
A NEVER-ENDING BATTLE
FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE
AND THE WAY OF THE QUAIL.
[ whistles]
YES, IT'S
THE ADVENTURES OF QUAILMAN
BROUGHT TO YOU BY ME,
DOUG FUNNIE.
OKAY, PORKCHOP,
SIGN YOUR NAME, TOO.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
COMMISSIONED BY PLANET BOB'S
COUNCIL OF ELDERS
QUAILMAN FOUND A HOME ON EARTH
LIVING IN HIS TOP-SECRET HIDING
PLACE, THE THICKET OF SOLITUDE.
Man on TV:
Fertilize your
hair with flair
THANKS, QUAILDOG.
In the news
mad criminal genius Dr.
Klotzenstein is on the loose.
Also known as Klotzilla
Baron von Klotz
and the Cyklotz
he is reportedly in Bluffington
in the guise of bully
Roger Klotz.
HMM, MY ARCHNEMESIS,
KLOTZENSTEIN, IN BLUFFINGTON.
QUAILDOG, WE MUST BE
ON THE ALERT.
HEY, PATTI, I WANT YOU
TO MEET MY AUNT.
YOUR AUNT'S HERE?
ROGER!
IT'S MY AUNT-PHIBIAN-- GET IT?
COME ON, LOOSEN UP,
IT'S A SCIENCE JOKE.
VERY FUNNY, ROGER.
CLASS, PUT YOUR MICROSCOPES
AWAY, IT'S TIME FOR A POP QUIZ.
OOH!
UH?
HUH?
POP QUIZ! SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
ROGER WANTS TO TAKE
A POP QUIZ?
LET'S START WITH
MISS MAYONNAISE.
APPROXIMATELY
HOW MANY BONES
ARE THERE
IN THE HUMAN BODY?
THAT'S EASY.
THE HUMAN BODY
HAS
OOH, THAT'S STRANGE
I KNEW THE ANSWER A SECOND AGO.
ALLOW ME, PROFESSOR OGEE.
THE HUMAN BODY CONTAINS
APPROXIMATELY
200 SEPARATE BONES.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. KLOTZ.
THAT'S THE FIRS
CORRECT ANSWER FROM YOU
ALL YEAR.
I COULD HAVE SWORN
I KNEW THAT ANSWER.
ALL RIGHTY.
MISS BLUFF, WHICH PLANE
IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM
HAS THE LONGEST ROTATION
AROUND THE SUN?
WELL, PROFESSOR OGEE,
EVERYBODY KNOWS
THAT WOULD BE
PLUTO, PROFESSOR OGEE-- PLUTO.
EXACTLY RIGHT!
MR. KLOTZ, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU
BUT I'M CERTAINLY IMPRESSED.
I I I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD'S
JUST BEEN EMPTIED.
YOUR TURN, MR. VALENTINE.
WHAT'S NEWTON'S
THIRD LAW OF MOTION?
WELL
COOL, MAN.
HEY, MR. VALENTINE,
DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?
"FOR EVERY ACTION, THERE IS
AN EQUAL BUT OPPOSITE REACTION."
ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL BONE
SHOULD WITNESS
THIS EDUCATIONAL MIRACLE.
MR. KLOTZ, YOU'RE IN CHARGE;
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ALL RIGHT, RUBBER HEADS,
GUESS WHO WILL ACE THIS QUIZ.
WHAT'S HAPPENING,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THAT'S RIGHT-- I'M STEALING
ALL YOUR SMARTY-PANTS ANSWERS
WITH MY BRAIN DRAIN.
[ cackles]
AHH! AHH! MY BRAINS!
[ babbling incoherently]
MUST
CALL
FOR
HELP.
HELP US, QUAILMAN.
TODAY PROFESSOR OGEE'S SCIENCE
CLASS, TOMORROW THE WORLD!
[ laughs maniacally]
[ whistles]
[ whistle echoing]
QUAILDOG, HAND ME
THE QUAIL TWEEZERS.
[ whistle echoing]
THAT'S THE QUAIL CALL,
THE CRY OF SOMEONE IN TROUBLE.
THIS IS A JOB FOR QUAILMAN.
AND MY FAITHFUL COMPANION,
QUAILDOG.
THANKS, SKUNKY--
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED THE EQUATION
FOR A PERFECT ARC TO A SPITBALL.
LOOK, THERE'S A GUY
WITH A BELT ON HIS HEAD.
COOL.
OH, QUAILMAN, YOU'VE COME!
QUAILMAN!
AHA! SO WE MEET AGAIN,
DR. KLOTZENSTEIN.
CAN ANYONE TELL ME,
WHAT DIABOLICAL SCHEME
IS THIS MADMAN UP TO?
[ class babbling]
OKAY.
THEY CAN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING.
I'VE STOLEN THEIR BRAINS
WITH THIS!
[ laughs maniacally]
THE BRAIN DRAIN!
THAT'S RIGH
AND EVEN YOU CAN'
STOP ME, BIRDBRAIN.
SURRENDER NOW, AND I PROMISE
A LENIENT PUNISHMENT.
GET REAL!
THEN YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
[ whistles]
[ growling]
GIVE UP,
WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED.
I'VE GO
A BETTER IDEA.
JOIN FORCES WITH ME
AND TOGETHER WE'LL
HAVE ENOUGH SMARTS
TO RULE THE WORLD!
AND IF I SAY NO?
THEN I'M AFRAID
I SHALL HAVE TO USE
THIS.
ARRIVEDERCI,QUAILMAN.
[ screeches]
I MUST SUMMON
THE OTHER POWERS OF THE QUAIL
BOBBING
AND DARTING.
[ yowls]
Klotzenstein:
YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU
CAN'T HIDE, QUAILMAN.
AHA! WHA
HAVE WE HERE?
QUAILMAN, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
GIVE UP.
WELL, YOU'VE FINALLY
OUTSMARTED ME, KLOTZENSTEIN.
I I SURRENDER.
GO AHEAD, TAKE MY BRAIN.
I KNEW YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY,
QUAILMAN.
AHH! YOU TRICKED ME!
UGH! I JUST ATE A FLY.
RIBBET, RIBBET.
OH, WHAT'S HAPPENING TO
RIBBET.
ME?
I USED MY SUPERIOR
QUAIL-LIKE WAYS
AND NOW I WILL SET RIGH
WHAT YOU HAVE WRONGED.
[ whistles]
[ cheering]
YOU SAVED US!
I'M TELLING YOU,
LAMARR, HE'S A GENIUS.
UH-OH.
GOODNESS GRACIOUS!
WHAT'S THE MEANING
OF THIS HUBBUB?
NO NEED TO WORRY.
EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL
AND A-OKAY.
HEY, YOU WITH THE BELT,
DO YOU HAVE A HALL PASS?
NO NEED FOR FORMALITIES.
I WAS JUST CLEANING UP
THE CLASSROOM SLIME.
[ fly buzzing]
RIBBET.
HELP!
[ fly buzzing]
I'M EATING FLIES!
[ fly buzzing]
SO THIS IS THE GENIUS
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T YOU WORRY,
PROFESSOR OGEE
THIS FELON'S
FLUNKED OUT FOREVER.
IT'S BACK TO STAMPING
LICENSE PLATES FOR YOU
DR. FROGENSTEIN.
FLY AWAY!
[ cheering]
AND IN RECOGNITION FOR GIVING
THE BRAINS BACK TO OUR STUDENTS
I PRESENT QUAILMAN
AND QUAILDOG
WITH THEIR VERY OWN
PERMANENT HALL PASSES.
CONGRATULATIONS.
[ applause]
THANK YOU, GOOD PEOPLE.
IT IS YOUR NEVER-ENDING TRUS
THAT MAKES ME PROUD TO BE
AT YOUR SERVICE.
IF YOU EVER NEED MY ASSISTANCE,
JUST GIVE THE QUAIL CALL.
[ whistles]
ISN'T QUAILMAN
THE GREATEST?
[ sighs]
HUH!
WHY DOES QUAILMAN LOOK
SO FAMILIAR TO ME?
GOOD DAY, CITIZENS.
READY, QUAILDOG?
[ whistles]
AWAY!
All:
GOOD-BYE, QUAILMAN!
COME ON, PORKCHOP
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GE
A COUPLE OF PEANUTTY BUDDIES?
LAST ONE THERE
GETS A BRAIN DRAIN!
HUH?
WATCH IT!
OH, MAN.
Announcer:
NOW LEADING THE LEAGUE
WITH AN ASTONISHING PERFEC
BATTING AVERAGE OF 1,000
THE CATCHER, PATTI MAYONNAISE.
THANK YOU!
Crowd:
PATTI! PATTI!
[ cheering, blaring of horns]
Announcer:
A SOLID TRIPLE.
AND NOW THE WORST BATTER
IN THE LEAGUE, DOUG FUNNIE.
[ crowd booing]
COME ON, DOUG.
IT'S ALL UP TO YOU.
STEE-RIKE ONE.
Doug:
THE ONLY REASON I'M IN
THIS GAME IS TO HELP PATTI.
STEE-RIKE TWO.
WHY COULDN'T SHE NEED HELP
WITH SOMETHING I WAS GOOD AT?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
Man:
Listen up-- this is Coach Spitz.
Tryouts for
the school softball team
WILL BEGIN AFTER SCHOOL TODAY.
IF ANY OF YOU BOYS
are man enough to play,
be there.
HEY, WE'RE BOYS--
MAYBE WE'RE MAN ENOUGH.
WHAT DO WE HAVE
TO LOSE?
WE COULD BE LAUGHED
OFF THE FACE OF THE
EARTH-- NO WAY.
YEAH, BUT
AND DON'T THINK
YOU CAN CHANGE MY MIND.
TOO SMALL, YOU'RE OUT.
KNOBBY KNEES, HIT THE SHOWER.
TOO MANY ELBOWS-- FORGET IT.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU
MIGHT BE MAN ENOUGH.
HIT THE FIELD.
THANKS, COACH.
HMM, NEGATIVE
MUSCLE MASS.
YOU'RE OUT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT ME, COACH?
NEGATIVE BRAIN MASS.
GET OFF MY FIELD.
YEAH, OFF THE FIELD, GIRLS.
[ sighs]
Doug:
WOW! WHO'S THAT KID?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT HE'S AWESOME.
YOU CATCH
LIKE A MAN.
LET'S SEE IF YOU
CAN HIT LIKE ONE.
RIGHT, COACH.
AREN'T YOU
GOING TO TAKE
THAT GEAR OFF?
UH, IT'S MY LUCKY MASK, COACH.
OH.
HEY, YOU'RE DEFINITELY
ON MY TEAM.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON?
MAYONNAISE.
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
WHAT!
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?
I THINK I MADE THE TEAM.
NOT MYTEAM.
WHY NOT? I JUST SHOWED YOU
I CAN DO IT.
THIS IS A MAN'S TEAM.
NOW, HIT THE SHOWERS.
THE GIRLS' SHOWERS.
IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
THOSE GUYS ARE NO
BETTER THAN WE ARE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
BUT YOU WERE GREAT.
YOU COULD BEAT THEM
ALL YOURSELF.
NOT BY MYSELF.
BUT
WECOULD.
DOUG, YOU JUST GAVE ME
A GREAT IDEA.
I DID?
HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO PLAY
ON YOUR VERY OWN TEAM?
BUT WE'RE
TERRIBLE.
SAYS WHO?
COACH SPITZ.
I SAY WE CAN BE
AS GOOD AS ANYBODY.
WE JUST NEED A CHANCE
TO SHOW IT.
COACH SPITZ,
WAIT.
WE'RE CHALLENGING
THE HONKERS TO A
SOFTBALL GAME.
WHAT?
YEAH, RIGHT.
PRESENTING
PATTI'S PULVERIZERS.
ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH
TO ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE?
HMM, COACH SPITZ NEVER
TURNS DOWN A CHALLENGE.
BE HERE
SATURDAY, NOON.
WE'LL GLADLY KICK YOUR BUTTS.
WE'LL BE HERE.
PATTI, WE'RE
NOT A TEAM.
THEY'LL KILL US.
BUT THIS IS
OUR CHANCE.
Y'ALL WANT TO PLAY, RIGHT?
[ cheering]
ALL WE'VE GOT TO DO
IS STICK TOGETHER.
WE'LL PRACTICE TOMORROW
AT LUCKY FIELD.
[ imitating Coach Spitz:]
BE THERE, OR I'LL
KICK YOUR BUTTS.
COME ON, REALLY,
I'M COUNTING ON YOU.
OH, GREAT, SHE'S COUNTING ONME.
STEE-RIKE THREE.
YOU'RE OUT.
[ catcalls and boos]
DOUG FUNNIE,
HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BLOW THE WORLD SERIES,
RUIN YOUR CAREER
AND DESTROY YOUR CHANCES
WITH PATTI MAYONNAISE?
IT WAS OUR FIRST PRACTICE
AND PATTI WAS DOING
ALL SHE COULD
TO TURN US INTO A TEAM.
OKAY, I'M GOING TO POP ONE UP.
All:
I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
[ shrieks]
I GOT IT! OOPS.
OKAY LET'S JUS
TRY THAT AGAIN.
PATTI, I DON'T WAN
TO PLAY ANYMORE.
I'M HOT AND I'M SWEATY
PLUS I'VE GOT THIS UGLY MARK
ON MY FOREHEAD FROM THIS CAP.
BUT BEEBE, IF YOU QUIT,
WE'LL BE ONE MAN
I MEAN PLAYER, SHORT.
[ blows whistle]
OKAY, LET'S TRY SOME
BATTING PRACTICE!
LET'S GO!
THIS WAS MY BIG CHANCE
TO SHOW MY STUFF.
I COULDN'T LET PATTI DOWN.
WAY TO GO, DOUG!
WAY TO
Patti:
HEADS UP!
NICE CATCH.
[ blows whistle]
COME ON, GUYS.
SO WE HAD A BAD START.
WE GOT TO STAR
ACTING LIKE WINNERS.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
OH, MAN!
PATTI WOULDN'T COME OUT
AND SAY I
BUT WE ALL FELT THAT
THINGS WERE PRETTY HOPELESS.
EVERYBODY LOOKED SO
DOWN AFTER PRACTICE.
I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING
TO INSPIRE THEM
TO MAKE THEM FEEL
LIKE A TEAM.
HEY, PATTI,
HEY, DOUG.
YOU COULD USE
A COLD PEANUTTY BUDDY.
YEAH, SURE.
LOOK FOR THE MAN
IN THE MR. SWIRLY UNIFORM.
Doug:
UNIFORMS!
Announcer:
AND HERE THEY ARE,
PATTI'S PULVERIZERS!
AND DON'T THEIR
NEW UNIFORMS LOOK GREAT?
Doug:
UNIFORMS!
YEAH, UNIFORMS
WOULD MAKE US
FEEL LIKE A TEAM.
BUT DOUG,
THEY'RE VERY EXPENSIVE.
VERY EXPENSIVE
PATTI, LEAVE THE UNIFORMS TO ME.
YEAH, HEADS UP
CATCH THAT YEAH.
[ blows whistle]
EVERYBODY, GATHER ROUND.
WE'RE A GREAT TEAM
RIGHT?
BUT THEY HAVE ONE THING
THAT WE DON'T.
TALENT?
NO, UNIFORMS.
YOU GOT US
UNIFORMS?
COOL, MAN.
WELL, SORT OF.
DOUG?
INSTANT UNIFORMS
COMPLIMENTS OF MR. DINK AND
STICK 'EM UP BUMPER STICKERS.
ALL RIGHT!
NOWWE LOOK
LIKE A TEAM.
UH, PATTI,
I ASKED MR. DINK
TO MAKE THIS ONE
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.
THANKS, DOUG.
OKAY, EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP.
WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH,
REMEMBER WHAT YOUR UNIFORM SAYS.
YOU'RE A PULVERIZER.
WE ALL ARE.
NOW, GO OUT THERE
AND PULVERIZE THEM!
[ cheering]
Patti:
OKAY, LET'S GO GET 'EM!
Announcer:
AND THE HONKERS STILL LEAD,
TWO TO ZERO.
AND DOUG FUNNIE STRIKES OUT.
RUN, BEEBE, RUN!
Announcer:
AND THE PULVERIZERS FINALLY
MAKE IT TO THE BIG BOARD!
HUH?
GOTCHA!
Announcer:
THE HONKERS PULL AHEAD, 3-1.
[ yowling]
Patti:
OKAY, DOUG,
THIS IS IT.
THERE'S TWO OUTS
AND SKEETER'S ON THIRD.
KNOCK A HOME RUN
AND WE WIN.
DOUG, YOU FORGO
YOUR BATTING HELMET.
THANKS.
DOUG!
YOU'RE LEFT-HANDED!
UH, YEAH, IS THAT BAD?
TIME OUT!
TIME OUT!
TRY BATTING THIS WAY.
WOW, THAT'S
MUCH BETTER.
[ crack]
Announcer:
HOLY COW, FUNNIE HITS A DOUBLE!
[ cheering]
OH, BOY.
IF PATTI HITS A HOME RUN,
WE COULD WIN.
Spitz:
COME ON,
MAYONNAISE.
Announcer:
AND IT'S ANYBODY'S GAME.
AND IT'S GOING, GOING, GOING
AND SHE'S OUT!
THE HONKERS WIN THE GAME!
Y'ALL, I'M SORRY,
I LET YOU DOWN.
WHO'S LET DOWN?
THEY DIDN'
KILL US.
THAT WAS FUN
CAN WE PLAY AGAIN?
I'M PROUD TO BE A PULVERIZER.
[ cheering]
PATTI, YOU SHOWED
A LOT OF GUTS.
YOU ALMOST BEAT US.
YEAH, NOT BAD
FOR A GIRL.
NOT BAD FOR ANYBODY, SON.
NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 50.
[ groaning]
YOUNG LADY, I'VE DECIDED
TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION
AND LET YOU PLAY
FOR THE HONKERS.
THANKS, COACH,
BUT I'M ALREADY ON A TEAM--
THE PULVERIZERS.
[ cheering]
BUT YOU WANTED TO BE A HONKER.
WHAT CAPTAIN WOULD
DESERT HER TEAM
JUST BEFORE A GAME?
HUH?
COACH SPITZ
THE PULVERIZERS
CHALLENGE YOU TO A REMATCH
SAME TIME NEXT WEEK.
[ cheering]
TODAY I FOUND OUT
THAT YOU CAN LOSE
AND STILL FEEL LIKE A WINNER.
ALSO, PATTI HELPED ME
FIGURE OU
THAT BEING LEFT-HANDED
CAN COME IN HANDY.
UH-OH
WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
THE GAME HAS BEEN CANCELED
ON ACCOUNT OF DARKNESS.
[ yelp]
OH, SORRY, PORKCHOP.