Dr Ken (2015) s01e12 Episode Script

What's with all the trucks in the street? Did the Rutledges rent out their house for another commercial shoot? Yeah.
Apparently, it's a big one Tampax.
[Groans.]
Right here in our own neighborhood? Gross.
Well, Barb called and said the port-a-potties will be gone in a couple of days.
I love those things.
They take hand-washing out of the equation.
Dave, we've been over this.
Stay out of those plastic crap shacks.
So I can't use the port-a-potties or pee in the bushes, but you insist I play outside an hour every day.
You can't have it both ways, people.
How was your first day at Freddy dog? I can't believe I ever thought I could work for that soul-sucking corporation.
Please don't tell me you got fired.
Great.
I won't.
That was easier than I thought.
Stop.
What did you do? It depends on whose version you hear.
What's your version? I was conscientious and did a great job.
What's their version? I stole from the register.
- What?! - But it isn't true.
I took an advance on my salary to buy some nail polish so my hands would look better serving their gross meat sticks.
I can't believe you got fired.
Parks don't get fired.
If anything, we fire people.
Oh, really? Did you fire the gardener yet? He's a good guy.
He deserves a second chance.
He doesn't own a lawnmower.
[Sighs.]
Look, Mol, when you have a job, you have to think about what's best for the business, not yourself or your fingernails.
Although, good color.
Candy Apple? Ruby Slippers.
Okay, all right, all right.
Well you better find another job, Missy, because we're not paying for your snowboarding trip.
No employment, no enjoyment.
That's right, Mol.
Get another job, or snowboarding turns into no-boarding.
Oof baboof.
"No-boarding"? Turd in the pool.
Super-forced, Al.
[Groans.]
I just talked to Barb.
She and Andy can't get in their kitchen because of the commercial shoot, so I invited them over for dinner tomorrow.
No! Andy's so annoying! He's always saying we should hang out and giving me tips on my lawn and compliments on my weekend wear.
Shut up, Andy.
I know my Henley is sick.
Oh, we have to renew our life insurance.
They need the records from your last annual check-up.
Okay.
I'll just write something up and send it in.
You know you can't do it yourself.
Oh, yeah, I meant I will have the doctor who gave me the exam write something up.
- Well, who's the doctor? - I can't tell you that.
It's doctor-patient confidentiality.
All right, what's going on? Why are you being weird? Okay, you know what's weird? You're asking me all these questions when we're dangerously low on shower gel.
Now you're changing the subject.
You only do that when you're hiding something.
No, I don't! You know what was sad? When your grandma died.
Ken, when did you get your last physical? Fine, look, I don't recall the exact date, but I remember it took forever to get home because O.
J.
'S Bronco was clogging up the 405.
So every year, when you told me you got a physical, you were lying? Oh, good.
Go ahead.
Spin it any way you want.
I need you to take care of yourself.
I don't want to raise our kids without you.
Let's face it, it's no picnic raising them with you.
I'm a doctor.
I would know if something was wrong with me.
You're getting a physical first thing tomorrow.
Look, but I'm healthy.
I mean look, I don't need one.
Why can't you believe me? I don't know.
Maybe because for 20 years, you've been lying about getting physicals? And you never let me forget it! You just told me.
And have we talked about anything else ever since? Nice try, but you don't have a choice.
You're going to a doctor.
We're in this together, Ken.
That body of yours belongs to both of us.
Okay! [Laughs.]
Bow-chicka-bow! What are you doing? Okay, I think I may have misread, "that body belongs to both of us.
" Pat: Good morning, everyone! I'm speaking loudly so you can all hear me over the vast gap in our status.
I have some exciting news.
To cut back on the number of stolen scrubs, we're installing a machine to dispense them.
Every morning, you'll each get a code to punch into the machine to get your scrubs.
What?! So now we have to get our clothes out of a vending machine? This is what happens when you jackals take the scrubs home to use as sweats or pajamas or for role-playing games with your spouses.
That was you, Pat.
Ken! Does the phrase "I'm gonna tell you a filthy sex story, but keep it to yourself" mean nothing to you? Hey, Julie.
I need a favor, doctor to doctor.
Again? Fine.
Iced Venti Nonfat Chai? No, I'm I'm not asking you to make another coffee run.
- I need a medical favor.
- Really? Yeah, I have to have a physical.
Dr.
Park, I would be honored to serve as your personal physician.
Honestly, I was starting to worry that you didn't respect me as a doctor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just sign this.
But what about your physical? No, I don't need an actual exam.
I'm in perfect health.
You know, check this.
[Humming.]
Boom! Not even winded and only slightly pulled my groin.
Anyway, ink that baby up.
Allison's on my jock about this.
You know what? No.
Dr.
Julie Dobbs is a professional.
Why are you going third-person? Because Dr.
Dobbs goes third-person when she's nervous.
And she's not signing a darn thing until she gives you a complete and thorough physical.
So you come here tomorrow ready to give her the respect she deserves.
Oh, and a full cup of urine.
Okay, there has been a horrible mistake! [Laughs.]
That's that's a real good look on you.
[Laughs.]
It's not funny! Pat's stupid vending machine has it out for me! I punched in my code, and out came the outfit from Jared's "before" picture.
You know, before everything.
[Laughs.]
Oh, those scrubs are too big.
[Laughs.]
You think? That would actually look cute if you belted it and bloused it over.
It would look adorable.
What it would not look is professional.
Oh.
Oh, Clark.
Clark, I got you.
I gave you the wrong code on purpose, dude.
[Laughs.]
What? Why? What's funny about that? Oh, come on.
Here's your actual code.
Is this actually my code, or is this one gonna give me super-tiny scrubs? Aw, come on.
Here's your actual code.
Good morning, Dr.
Park.
Now, I know we're colleagues, but today I am the physician and you are the patient, and I would appreciate it if you treated me as such.
Did you get my text? Iced Venti Chai.
Anyway, I have the results from your chemistry panel.
Ah! Okay.
LDL, creatinine, calcium all good.
Ooh! Looks like I tested positive for beefcake.
Excuse you.
I am administering this exam.
Okay, everything seems to be where I'd like it [Slurping.]
Except your attitude.
Fine, let's just get this over with.
But I'm not letting you check my prostate.
Um, it's part of the physical.
Um, it ain't part of this one.
Dr.
Park, you know at your age, it's mandatory.
So I'm going to repeat to you what I hear you tell dozens of patients every day Don't be a freaking baby! Would you feel more comfortable if I had Clark come in to observe? Well, why stop there? Let's stream it live so my cousins in San Jose can watch.
They're always asking me what I'm up to.
I guess I could call your wife and tell her you're not cooperating.
So, your prostate's healthy.
Huh.
140/90.
That's a little high.
Of course it's high.
I just had a co-worker treat me like a hand puppet.
And your pulse is 110 beats per minute.
And your EKG shows tachycardia with PVCs.
Boop-boo.
I'm sending you home with a Holter heart monitor to wear overnight.
What?! No! That's complete overkill! Just being thorough.
[Scoffs.]
Fine.
I guess I should be grateful you didn't put me through a hernia exam.
Oh! Thanks for reminding me! You're such a difficult patient, I almost forgot.
Look, I know you're trying to be thorough, but those two stones are staying unturned.
And this number here This is your wife's cell, correct? [Coughs.]
Obee-kaybee.
Perfectly healthy.
Please don't look me in the eyes just yet.
Look what Julie did to me.
My heart rate was slightly elevated, and now she's forcing me to wear this monitor all night.
My friend Amir wore one of those to school, and the principal called the S.
W.
A.
T.
Team.
It's so constricting.
I mean, what if I want to go swimming or wear something with a plunging neckline? You said it was for one night.
Tomorrow you can flaunt all the cleavage you want.
Have you seen what's going on next door? The film crew is on lunch, and the line is past our driveway.
They're serving chicken parm dee-lish.
So, Dave, what did we tell you about taking food from strangers? Carlos isn't a stranger.
I've known him since breakfast.
He calls me "papi.
" So, how was the new job? Eh, kind of hard to judge on one day.
But seeing as there won't be another day, it was not great.
You got fired again?! Come on! Cannons don't get fired as much as you! Pottery doesn't get fired as much as you! Cuban cigars, a crowd at a pep rally, a furnace in Alaska Ken, we get it.
It wasn't my fault.
It's a cart that sells iPhone cases, and they put it at the opposite end of the mall from the Apple store.
So I made an executive decision and moved it.
What did you hit? I derailed a toddler train.
In my defense, there was just as much screaming and crying before I hit it.
You said, "do what's best for the business.
" Eh, just do what you're told and make that money.
Way to squash my entrepreneurial spirit.
I bet nobody ever told Steve Jobs to, "just do what you're told.
" Hey, Steve Jobs had a daughter he didn't even acknowledge.
So he was smart in ways the rest of us can only marvel at.
Oh, watch this.
Damona pranked me yesterday, but I'm about to get her back.
I ordered five pizzas in her name.
And the mortification of Damona Watkins starts now.
Uh, I got five pizzas for a Damona Watkins.
I didn't order any pizza.
I have your name and this address.
Well, I'm not paying for it.
Oh, you don't have to.
They're pre-paid.
You paid for the pizzas? Well, duh.
I'm not pranking the delivery guy.
Hey, everybody, free pizzas on me! She didn't order that.
This is awkward for her.
Why do I smell prosciutto and brie? Ask Damona.
This is her mess.
Aah! Hey, Pat, free pizza.
Help yourself.
Hells, yeah! Mmm! Ohh, caramelized figs! That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, grab a slice quick.
It's drizzled with truffle oil.
That was $12 extra.
Oh, damn it! [Knocking.]
Hello! Oh, look who it is.
Keep your hands where I can see them.
Anyway, I have the results from your monitor, and there were some irregular beats - and spikes in your heart rate.
- Really? Yeah, the first one was at 7:30.
Do you remember what you were doing then? It was after dinner.
I was in the kitchen talking to Allison.
9:40? I was getting ready for bed, talking to Allison.
And 10:30? Talking to Allison! So you're saying Allison is my stress trigger? Oh, no, there could be lots of other reasons why Oh, no, no, I don't need "other.
" I need this! [Laughs.]
Otherwise, you have a clean bill of health.
A clean bill of health gets me nothing.
Lording this over Allison till the end of time? Well, I would say "priceless" if Mastercard hadn't scorched that earth.
Ah, hey, bae.
Oh, how was your day? Interesting.
Very interesting.
[Chuckles.]
A real eye-opener, even.
I have to thank you, Allison.
You were so right to make me get that physical.
Young Julie actually did find something that's slowly killing me.
- What? - It's you, Allison.
[Chuckles.]
Ta-da! [Chuckles.]
Irrefutable proof that every time we had a conversation, my heart rate spiked.
That's right.
You're my stress trigger.
[Laughs.]
Come on.
That's got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard.
And you once dragged me to see Dikembe Mutombo and Muggsy Bogues in "Of Mice and Men.
" Ooh, easy, trigger.
You don't want this sucker to blow.
Okay, I'm pressing pause on this conversation because the Rutledges will be here any minute, but we are finishing this later.
Ooh, forcing the Rutledges on me.
I see this as a high-stress situation.
Okay, just tell me, how long is this gonna go on? I don't know.
As long as I live? So it's really up to you, isn't it? [Clicks tongue.]
Got it.
[Groaning.]
Clark, have you seen Damona? I got her this cruller as a thank-you for the delicious pizzas she treated us to.
Yeah, she's a gem.
Okay, that cruller is mine.
I'm the gem.
I sparkle and shine.
Well, I guess all's well that ends well, then.
I thought Damona was my friend.
Oh, good.
More.
I just don't understand why she'd want to make me look stupid in front of everyone.
Well, you know how when people are good friends, they'll often participate in some light to moderate joshing? So you're saying Damona's prank was a sign of friendship? If it'll start my weekend, yes.
Hi.
Mm-hmm.
I just wanted to say thanks for the practical joke yesterday.
I, um I really value our friendship.
Wow! Clarky Clark! I'm so glad you liked it.
You know, for a minute there, I thought you were upset, but then I was like, "if he's upset, then why is he getting me all these pizzas?" It was a prank.
[Inhales deeply.]
I don't get it.
Nobody did.
Anyway, before I understood that pranks were a sign of affection, I might have done Ms.
Damona, your car is on fire.
- What?! - It's not.
It's not.
It's a joke.
Aah! I asked Juan-Julio to come in and tell you that your car was on fire.
No, no, Mr.
Clark, you told me to set her car on fire.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! It's just too easy with that guy, huh? That's fine.
So, Ken, I got tickets to the clippers game Saturday, if I'm gonna stop you right there, Andy.
I'm really flattered, but I got a full roster of friends right now.
Ken's just kidding.
He'd love to go to the game with you.
Oh, well, now that I'm aware of my condition, I can really feel it when you overstep.
So, how are the kids? Oh, they're great.
Really? 'Cause Molly's virtually unemployable, and Dave seems to have turned their port-a-potty into some kind of clubhouse.
Don't listen to him.
They're fine.
Oh, it's that kind of dismissive attitude that really constricts the blood flow to the heart.
Medical fact.
Are you okay, Ken? He's fine.
So, how's the commercial going, Barb? Getting any free Tampax? [All chuckle.]
I'm not fine, Barb.
Uh, they gave me a lifetime supply of supers.
So, my doctor told me I suffer from an irregular heart rhythm, and the cause is this special lady right here.
Not true.
Well, we'll see what Mr.
Holter monitor has to say about that.
You're still wearing that? Yeah, as a precaution because of all the danger.
Ow! Great! Now you pulled out both my chest hairs! I don't know why you're always trying to force me to be friends with that guy.
Hey, relax.
You got to admit it is a little ironic that you were the one who made me get the physical.
- Look at this.
- Don't need to.
It's all up here.
Yes, we were talking during each one of these spikes, but did it ever occur to you what we were talking about? Here.
7:30.
We were talking to Dave about taking food from strangers.
Here Molly getting fired again.
And this big one is when we found out Dave was eating Turkey burgers in a port-a-potty.
So the kids are my stress triggers? Of course.
You said it yourself in the kitchen.
Having kids is super-stressful.
Oh, but it's nice to know that if it was me, this is how you'd react.
Hey, things sound a little dicey.
I mean, if you want to talk about it over a beer with Andy, I know he'd love to just Andy: No, I wouldn't! Al, still not talking to me? [Door closes.]
I'm sorry I blamed you for all my stress.
You know what? It's time for me to man up and start blaming the kids.
They're growing up.
They're a lot more work.
That's why I was freaked out that you hadn't had a physical in so long.
I need you around.
We all do.
I get it.
But don't worry.
I'm in perfect health.
Check this.
See? And I did all that with a pulled groin.
And I'm thrilled you're healthy, but you can't blow off any more check-ups, okay? You should know better.
You're a doctor.
That's the problem.
I see disease every day, and sometimes it scares me.
Doctors make the worst patients.
No one's worse than me.
You're right about that.
But you can't fight what you don't find.
And if we ever did find anything, we'd deal with it together.
I love you so much.
[Laughs.]
And don't forget that body of yours belongs to both of us.
Huh? [Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
[Knock on door.]
Barb: Hey, guys, Andy's shaking up some boggle.
You in? Go home, Barb! Right through there to the left.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mol, what's with the Son of Anarchy? You wanted me to stop getting fired, so I became my own boss.
Instead of those nasty port-a-potties, I offered the crew guys a clean indoor bathroom for a small fee.
What?! Look, sorry, buddy.
Business is closed.
You can't shut me down! How else am I supposed to raise money for snowboarding? Besides, I have employees to consider.
- What?! - What?! You sure you don't want a hot towel, stick of gum, cologne? How's your day going? Nice to finally have some weather.
I'm spiking so hard right now.
Me too.