Eagleheart (2010) s01e12 Episode Script
A Mug of Chili and a Bowl of Death
Ah, to Delray, a good marshal who was gunned down far too soon in front of far too many other marshals who were standing around doing nothing to help him.
Lulu, how about another mug of chili and a bowl of beer.
Get that off my counter.
Now, you know darn well your money is no good here.
What do you mean it's no good, Lulu? What is it, counterfeit? I looked up to you, Chris! Calm down, you dump.
She just means that Chris doesn't have to pay for his drinks.
Oh, how come? Oh, believe it or not, y'all, my chili wasn't always world-famous.
Mnh-mnh.
See, one night about 15 years ago, some trigger-happy son of a bitch who fancied hisself a gourmet took issue with it.
This tastes like [bleep.]
.
You're gonna pay for what you just did to my tongue.
You're gonna pay for that chili! I ain't paying for [bleep.]
.
And I'd have been a goner, too, if it hadn't been for Chris, who stepped in front of that bullet for me.
And when I realized I was feeding world-class heroes, oh, I vowed to make them some world-class chili.
And Lulu has promised to tell me the recipe one day.
Oh, now, Chris, like I said, it's a secret, and if I tell you, I'd have to kill you.
And then if I killed you, I'd have to turn you into chili.
Speaking of which, I am fresh out.
Yes, I am.
We closed.
Y'all go on home now, hear? Go, go, go! Here, guys, help me with this.
Come on.
Boy, she really wanted us out of there, didn't she? I mean, when she closes the place, it's closed.
Hey, marshals.
Merry Christmas.
Wait a second.
It's not Christmas.
Uh, chief, I don't think you' supposed to eat in here.
Poppycock.
Life is for the living, and this is what living's all about.
Okay.
You wanted to see us, Carl? Yeah.
The report said they suffered gunshot wounds.
We didn't find any.
So what did they die of? Strokes? No.
- A complete lack of internal organs.
- Come on.
Please.
You know, chief, this isn't a body at all.
You're right.
It's a rubber dummy.
Well played, Carl.
Prank of the week.
I wish I could take the credit.
This is what came in.
They're stealing the bodies.
Find them, Chris.
If I have to slave away night and day, I'll find who's stealing our marshals' corpses.
And fill out the requisite paperwork.
I will, eh? Oh, oh.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm! Mmm! It was the Novato gang.
Huh? Oh.
Okay.
Uh Well, I think it's about time we give Gino Novato a thank-you note Hand-delivered.
But first, some chili.
Take it easy there, Chris.
That's your third one.
So, tell me what kind of crazy, mixed-up marshal business you got going on tonight? Well, keep it under your hat, Lulu.
I'm gonna kill Gino Novato.
You don't say.
About what time you gonna be doing that? Well, I just like to know what time people do things 'round here.
Um, probably around 9:00.
Well, you know where I'll be.
- Home watching my shows.
- Oh, yeah.
You don't want to miss those.
Hey! Somebody dropped their badge in my chili.
- Come on.
- I'm sorry, Chris.
I guess I am getting old, huh? I guess we all are.
Spare some change for a veteran? Here you go, old-timer.
Well, if you can't spare any change I can't spare you.
Sorry, guys.
I didn't think you were actually gonna give me anything.
The sparrow flies by night.
The owl watches the mice.
The dog sits in the car.
Over and out.
All right, Novato, you filthy scumbag, on your feet.
I got no beef with your daughters.
They can go.
Ladies, why don't you go watch some HDTV or do a little scrapbooking, have a little fun.
Did you shoot some marshals the other night? Maybe.
And what'd you do with their bodies? I don't know.
Come on.
I swear.
Oh.
Hey, Lulu.
Hey, Brett.
How's it going? Oh, just fine.
What are you doing in this car? Oh, I was just gonna chloroform you with this here rag.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Oh-ho.
Oh.
It's a sleepy rag.
What did you do with the bodies? Did you hide them? Did you burn them? Did youpose them in tastefully erotic positions? I can't tell you that.
Mm-hmm.
I'm scared of this person.
I want a name.
This is how scared of the party in question I am! Mm! And that's that.
There's someone else behind this.
Well, the only thing we can do is fake my death and hope that whoever's taking the marshals' corpses takes mine, and when they bring me back to their place, then bingo, bango, blamo.
Bingo, bango, blamo? Chris, are you planning on faking your own death? You know me well, sir.
Come with me.
All right.
Just talking to me.
It looks like a bullet, but it's made of a hardened diaminopropionic acid, or lobocaine a Peruvian plant extract that induces a death-like state that lasts up to nine hours.
Sounds like my ex-wife.
My ex-wife died of lobocaine poisoning.
I'm sorry.
Susie, remind me when this is all done to try to solve my ex-wife's murder.
Hand over your money! No way! Have you heard from Brett? No.
He didn't show for work today.
Give me your money or I'll shoot you! You're gonna have to kill me if you want my money.
I'm worried about Brett! Shh! - Hey, Chris, how's it going? - Brett, what happenedto you? Uh, where are your legs? Oh, right.
Well, it turns out Lulu needed them to make more chili.
Lulu? That's right, baby.
Now you know my secret ingredient.
Oh, my God.
It can't be true.
Remember that night you saved my life? Yeah, that's when I got my first taste.
Ooh, I'd been looking a long time for the main ingredient, and I finally found it Courage.
You see, courage in the bloodstream Ooh, it makes the muscles relax, and that keeps the meat nice and tender.
Ooh, yeah.
Ah.
Wow.
So you found the secret to tender meat, and now you use beef from courageous cows to make your chili.
No, no, no, no.
Not from beef.
My chili is made From marshals.
Ah! Okay.
Gotcha.
Uh, well, that's fine, Lulu, but there's only one problem with that.
This kitchen here it's closed Forever.
Well, I'm so glad I saved the best for last.
Ha ha! Ah, Bafoona! All right, now, Lulu, you can come at me if you want to, but just remember I'm Chris Monsanto, okay? I've killed over 100 bad guys.
So what? I ain't scared of you.
Mnh-mnh.
I'm gonna chop you up and taste that courage.
Ha ha! All right, now, will you listen to yourself? Do you know what you're saying? If you're brave enough to waltz with a guy like me, well, then you're the one who has the courage, Lulu.
Yeah, in fact mmm I bet you would taste mighty fine.
Shut up.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
You would make some really good chili.
Smell that brave arm.
Ooh, that's good.
Ooh, shut your mouth! Yeah, wouldn't that be a good chili with some cayenne peppers.
We gonna put in some onions.
Ooh, yes.
Lots of onions.
Oh, cook me, honey! Cook me! Okay, come on, Brett.
Oh! Once Lulu was dead, things went back to normal.
For starters, marshals stopped being gunned down every other night and fed to other marshals.
Dr.
Gardner found a new pair of legs for Brett that worked almost as good as his old pair.
Without his all-chili diet, chief went on to lose 120 pounds.
And I went into the sausage business The human-sausage business.
And all was right with the world.
Synch by Benfo.
Lulu, how about another mug of chili and a bowl of beer.
Get that off my counter.
Now, you know darn well your money is no good here.
What do you mean it's no good, Lulu? What is it, counterfeit? I looked up to you, Chris! Calm down, you dump.
She just means that Chris doesn't have to pay for his drinks.
Oh, how come? Oh, believe it or not, y'all, my chili wasn't always world-famous.
Mnh-mnh.
See, one night about 15 years ago, some trigger-happy son of a bitch who fancied hisself a gourmet took issue with it.
This tastes like [bleep.]
.
You're gonna pay for what you just did to my tongue.
You're gonna pay for that chili! I ain't paying for [bleep.]
.
And I'd have been a goner, too, if it hadn't been for Chris, who stepped in front of that bullet for me.
And when I realized I was feeding world-class heroes, oh, I vowed to make them some world-class chili.
And Lulu has promised to tell me the recipe one day.
Oh, now, Chris, like I said, it's a secret, and if I tell you, I'd have to kill you.
And then if I killed you, I'd have to turn you into chili.
Speaking of which, I am fresh out.
Yes, I am.
We closed.
Y'all go on home now, hear? Go, go, go! Here, guys, help me with this.
Come on.
Boy, she really wanted us out of there, didn't she? I mean, when she closes the place, it's closed.
Hey, marshals.
Merry Christmas.
Wait a second.
It's not Christmas.
Uh, chief, I don't think you' supposed to eat in here.
Poppycock.
Life is for the living, and this is what living's all about.
Okay.
You wanted to see us, Carl? Yeah.
The report said they suffered gunshot wounds.
We didn't find any.
So what did they die of? Strokes? No.
- A complete lack of internal organs.
- Come on.
Please.
You know, chief, this isn't a body at all.
You're right.
It's a rubber dummy.
Well played, Carl.
Prank of the week.
I wish I could take the credit.
This is what came in.
They're stealing the bodies.
Find them, Chris.
If I have to slave away night and day, I'll find who's stealing our marshals' corpses.
And fill out the requisite paperwork.
I will, eh? Oh, oh.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm! Mmm! It was the Novato gang.
Huh? Oh.
Okay.
Uh Well, I think it's about time we give Gino Novato a thank-you note Hand-delivered.
But first, some chili.
Take it easy there, Chris.
That's your third one.
So, tell me what kind of crazy, mixed-up marshal business you got going on tonight? Well, keep it under your hat, Lulu.
I'm gonna kill Gino Novato.
You don't say.
About what time you gonna be doing that? Well, I just like to know what time people do things 'round here.
Um, probably around 9:00.
Well, you know where I'll be.
- Home watching my shows.
- Oh, yeah.
You don't want to miss those.
Hey! Somebody dropped their badge in my chili.
- Come on.
- I'm sorry, Chris.
I guess I am getting old, huh? I guess we all are.
Spare some change for a veteran? Here you go, old-timer.
Well, if you can't spare any change I can't spare you.
Sorry, guys.
I didn't think you were actually gonna give me anything.
The sparrow flies by night.
The owl watches the mice.
The dog sits in the car.
Over and out.
All right, Novato, you filthy scumbag, on your feet.
I got no beef with your daughters.
They can go.
Ladies, why don't you go watch some HDTV or do a little scrapbooking, have a little fun.
Did you shoot some marshals the other night? Maybe.
And what'd you do with their bodies? I don't know.
Come on.
I swear.
Oh.
Hey, Lulu.
Hey, Brett.
How's it going? Oh, just fine.
What are you doing in this car? Oh, I was just gonna chloroform you with this here rag.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Oh-ho.
Oh.
It's a sleepy rag.
What did you do with the bodies? Did you hide them? Did you burn them? Did youpose them in tastefully erotic positions? I can't tell you that.
Mm-hmm.
I'm scared of this person.
I want a name.
This is how scared of the party in question I am! Mm! And that's that.
There's someone else behind this.
Well, the only thing we can do is fake my death and hope that whoever's taking the marshals' corpses takes mine, and when they bring me back to their place, then bingo, bango, blamo.
Bingo, bango, blamo? Chris, are you planning on faking your own death? You know me well, sir.
Come with me.
All right.
Just talking to me.
It looks like a bullet, but it's made of a hardened diaminopropionic acid, or lobocaine a Peruvian plant extract that induces a death-like state that lasts up to nine hours.
Sounds like my ex-wife.
My ex-wife died of lobocaine poisoning.
I'm sorry.
Susie, remind me when this is all done to try to solve my ex-wife's murder.
Hand over your money! No way! Have you heard from Brett? No.
He didn't show for work today.
Give me your money or I'll shoot you! You're gonna have to kill me if you want my money.
I'm worried about Brett! Shh! - Hey, Chris, how's it going? - Brett, what happenedto you? Uh, where are your legs? Oh, right.
Well, it turns out Lulu needed them to make more chili.
Lulu? That's right, baby.
Now you know my secret ingredient.
Oh, my God.
It can't be true.
Remember that night you saved my life? Yeah, that's when I got my first taste.
Ooh, I'd been looking a long time for the main ingredient, and I finally found it Courage.
You see, courage in the bloodstream Ooh, it makes the muscles relax, and that keeps the meat nice and tender.
Ooh, yeah.
Ah.
Wow.
So you found the secret to tender meat, and now you use beef from courageous cows to make your chili.
No, no, no, no.
Not from beef.
My chili is made From marshals.
Ah! Okay.
Gotcha.
Uh, well, that's fine, Lulu, but there's only one problem with that.
This kitchen here it's closed Forever.
Well, I'm so glad I saved the best for last.
Ha ha! Ah, Bafoona! All right, now, Lulu, you can come at me if you want to, but just remember I'm Chris Monsanto, okay? I've killed over 100 bad guys.
So what? I ain't scared of you.
Mnh-mnh.
I'm gonna chop you up and taste that courage.
Ha ha! All right, now, will you listen to yourself? Do you know what you're saying? If you're brave enough to waltz with a guy like me, well, then you're the one who has the courage, Lulu.
Yeah, in fact mmm I bet you would taste mighty fine.
Shut up.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
You would make some really good chili.
Smell that brave arm.
Ooh, that's good.
Ooh, shut your mouth! Yeah, wouldn't that be a good chili with some cayenne peppers.
We gonna put in some onions.
Ooh, yes.
Lots of onions.
Oh, cook me, honey! Cook me! Okay, come on, Brett.
Oh! Once Lulu was dead, things went back to normal.
For starters, marshals stopped being gunned down every other night and fed to other marshals.
Dr.
Gardner found a new pair of legs for Brett that worked almost as good as his old pair.
Without his all-chili diet, chief went on to lose 120 pounds.
And I went into the sausage business The human-sausage business.
And all was right with the world.
Synch by Benfo.