Enlisted (2014) s01e12 Episode Script

Good Morning.
There have been no accidents on the post for 3 months.
For that, you've earned a coveted three-day weekend.
(cheering, whooping) I can't wait to get in the woods with my grandma and bow-hunt some possum.
We never hit anything, but we do have some sweet talks.
I'm going to the best low-budget spa in Central Florida.
I have to bring my own lotion.
Oh, sounds sad.
CODY: Keep in mind, I don't care.
As you enjoy your weekend, drink responsibly and don't get into fights.
I wish that were the end of my safety briefing, but your history dictates otherwise.
So here we go.
Do not start fires.
Do not touch fires.
Do not do things fire tells you to do.
(quietly): What if it's real persuasive? Do not take in a feral animal and try to raise it as a house pet.
(whispers): What if it's real persuasive? Do not taunt the marsh birds.
Do not defecate in a library drop box.
Do not get married on a bet.
Do not convince an old Jewish couple you are their grandson Jeffrey.
They said I had an adorable punim.
And, finally, food goes in your mouth and not anywhere else.
What about Not anywhere else.
(groaning) CODY: The Army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us.
We take care of things at home.
We are the Rear Detachment.
Yes, we're soldiers.
So really? A whole three-day weekend, and you're wasting it doing fake Ranger training? Pre-Ranger training.
It's "pre.
" No more P's until you swallow.
We got to pack on the calories because Ranger training means minimal food, water and sleep, and maximum realization of our full potential as badass soldiers in the U.
S.
Army.
Pass the Splenda? Of course, I'm already a Ranger, but I promised I'd show this little guy how to follow in my footsteps.
Maybe even pass you, Pete.
Then it's you in the footsteps I made.
- Is that a challenge? - 'Cause it's not much of a sentence.
(silverware clangs) Milk race, go.
I win.
Oh, how I have not missed this.
Ha! I have more chicken pox.
I win.
(crying) Idiots.
(with mouth full): I win! (crying) Idiots.
Rip some hair out.
First to make a noise loses.
Go! (crashing) You made a noise.
I win.
(Randy crying) Idiots.
He makes you cry every time.
Why do you keep doing it? Because one day I'll beat Pete and then he'll cry.
- That's not gonna happen.
- And I'll probably cry.
There'll be a period of disillusionment.
I may grow a beard.
Well, while you're eating twigs and urinating outdoors like animals, I'll be hanging with my girlfriend this weekend, indoors, like a human.
(spits) - Eat the twigs? - Who eats the twigs? Come on.
- It's a twig.
- Yeah.
Come on, Derrick.
- You don't eat the twigs.
- You're better than that.
- You chew on them to stave off the hunger.
- Hey, by the way, how's it going with Erin now that her ex-husband's back? You know, we've all settled in to a surprisingly workable domestic arrangement.
Toilet's fixed.
Pipes are fixed.
Sprinkler's fixed.
Oh, thanks, Brandon.
Oh, and I, uh, made too much jambalaya so I brought some over.
Oh, dinner's fixed! He just loves doing stuff around the house.
It's like I have my own butler.
Sounds like Erin has a very special man in her life.
Yeah, and also you.
What? No, I get to do all the fun boyfriend stuff like watch movies, and Brandon just does all the work.
Who do you think means more to Erin at the end of the day? Her film club buddy or the male model who does literally everything else? Sounds like the second guy has the edge up.
Feels like he's got the edge.
Feeling like he does.
Hey! Oh! Come on, man! Come on! All right, first one to finish their lap pasta wins.
Ready? Go! (grunts) Check me out, brother.
I'm in a deeper lunge than you.
How 'bout now? (shouts) I win.
(crying) - Damn it! - All right.
What do you say we go out there and have some fun? - Hooah! - Let's do it! Gotcha.
This will not be fun.
Ranger training is hell on earth and can only be enjoyed in retrospect.
Like Cuban food.
I don't care how hard it is.
I will not quit, Sergeant Major! Ideally, you will.
I have a DVR stacked with Restaurant Impossible.
Ooh, yeah, that's good.
But until you quit, you will be pushed to your absolute limits.
And then you have to get over this.
We call it the Devastator.
Just look like monkey bars.
After two days with no food, no sleep and 70 pounds on your back, those bars will make a monkey out of you.
Ready to dominate, Sergeant Major.
Oh, hey, Sergeant Perez.
Did you come to wish us luck at Ranger training? No, dummy.
The Army's accepting female Ranger candidates by 2016, and I plan to be the first woman on the bus to Fort Benning.
Blazing a trail for all annoying people regardless of gender.
Aw, cranky old Grandpa Ranger's giving me the business.
Zip it.
In Ranger training, we support each other.
Unless you all quit, and then I'm watching my shows.
Okay, Sergeant Perez is here.
Jill Perez.
The woman.
Chica.
But she's not just a woman.
A woman.
That's not all any of us are in this world.
The World Is Not Enough.
You Only Live Twice.
When does the nonsense stop? Quantum of Solace! CODY: What the hell's that all about? Randy, what are you doing? Getting a head start! SAM: Mommy.
The kitchen sink is backed up again.
There's water everywhere.
I'll call your dad.
Or I-I could take a look at it.
Oh.
Do you do things like that? Unclogging things is kind of my specialty.
Really? Uh-huh.
It's a weird specialty.
Don't ask too many questions, okay? Just let me do this.
Knock yourself out.
I probably will.
(disposal whirring) (spits) Come on! (disposal whirring) Ow.
(Brandon sighs) Hey, buddy, tag me in.
Brandon came by to drop off some chili, so I figured maybe he could Yeah, that's great.
Thanks for coming.
You know, this is just his thing.
Yeah.
Shouldn't take too long at all.
All right.
I don't see why that's necessary.
Buddy, it's a marathon, not a sprint.
Slow down.
Just trying to stay ahead of Jill.
Is that why you freaked out back there? 'Cause women are gonna be Rangers.
As annoying as Jill is, we got to put up with her.
What if I want to put up with her for the rest of my life? Hold on.
What? Pete, I'm in love with Jill.
(laughing) - Oh, I get it.
- Yeah.
You're dehydrated.
Just sit down, put your head between your knees, I'll get you a shiny blanket.
Are you dismissing my emotions? No, no, no.
Yeah, definitely.
These are stupid emotions.
Remember when I helped Jill impress General Murray? - Yeah.
- Afterwards, we had this moment that the angels are still talking about at the watercoolers in Heaven.
Thank you so much for your help, Private.
Of course, any time.
Oh, no.
And? And now I don't know how to act in front of her, and so I have to keep running.
Anaranjado.
Keep up, losers! Cody said we got to support each other, but it's gonna be real hard when you're so far behind me! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! 'Kay! You're right! We are losers! Good-bye! (sputters) So stupid, man.
See? She got me flustered.
I alw I-I didn't have a witty comeback.
- I always have a witty comeback.
- You never have a witty comeback.
My pulse is racing, I'm sweating profusely and I feel really sick to my stomach.
You're running in Florida an hour after you ate 37 waffles.
- Competing theory.
- This isn't real, Randy.
Listen to your big brother.
It's all in your head.
It'll pass.
Maybe I am just confused.
Like when I ate that Japanese candy that turned out to be hotel soap.
It's exactly like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess I just liked her 'cause she seems so perfect for you.
You do always like girls I like, but Jill? - What, you don't think she's pretty? - She's pretty.
- You don't think she's smart? - Probably smarter than me.
Plus, she gives as good as she gets.
She doesn't let you get away with anything, which is tough to take but exactly what you need.
And she's a badass soldier.
Then she takes off her helmet, and her strawberry-scented hair comes tumbling down and you realize she's all woman.
What more could a man want? What more could a man possibly ask for? Pete? You look dehydrated.
GUMBLE: Okay, Derrick, what's with the emergency text? Yeah man, we were in the middle of a drum circle.
Yes, I'm sorry I interrupted all of your awesome weekend plans, but my relationship is doomed unless you stay here and help me.
I already doused myself in possum urine, bro.
I know.
- We all know.
- Yeah, it's really potent.
Actually an improvement.
Guys, I'm just afraid Erin will go back with her ex-husband because he's "more of a man" than me.
That is completely understandable.
- That guy's hot.
- Yeah, I'd go back to him in a heartbeat.
Why is she even with you? I need you to help me be a man.
Huh.
Do you need a male enhancement product? Legal or otherwise? No.
No, I need skills plumbing, car repairs, making a meal that doesn't come out of a freezer.
These are skills the Army teaches, things I could have learned, but just chose not to.
Say it on the djembe.
That's why I'm coming to you, because you're not just Rear D soldiers, you're superheroes.
(gasps) Oh.
I like that.
Private Ruiz, he can diagnose any plumbing problem just by the sound of the pipes.
(whispers): They tell me their secrets.
Private Park can shape a topiary cow so realistic you could sell it as beef.
I have small hands and terrifying dreams.
Private Gumble's work in the chow hall has made him into a world-class chef.
The plate is my canvas.
MSG, my paint.
And finally, Private Dobkiss.
In the motor pool, he's known as the master mechanic.
I can get you boner pills.
- Seriously.
- Glad you're all on board.
Now, tomorrow Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's in it for us? (chuckles) What could you possibly mean? I mean Superheroes don't ask "what's in it" for them, They do what's best for their fellow man out of the goodness of their own hearts (all grumbling) Okay, I'll pay you! Yeah! (others singing gibberish) No, seriously, when can I expect payment? (grunting) Day two's gonna be a lot harder than day one.
(grunts) (panting) Time! You all qualified.
Yes! Great for you, but I'm missing my shows.
Nobody ever thinks about what Cody wants.
I want this so bad I can taste it.
Mm.
I can also taste a little bit of mud.
(heavenly music playing) You all right, Pete? Huh? You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
(Perez whoops) I smell like a bag of hot garbage.
(sniffs) (heavenly music playing) (giggling) (whispers): What is happening? What is happening? In a world torn apart by madness, a charismatic leader has gathered the world's greatest heroes to save a relationship from certain doom.
Where's our money? You get paid at the end.
Now, we've got three hours before Erin comes home.
Soldier-heroes, let justice be your compass.
Ho-ho, I was excited until just now.
Worst catchphrase in history.
Go! (growls) (yells) Ah, just as I suspected.
Someone flushed plastic Army men down the toilet.
(exhales) Case closed.
(yells) (rapid snipping) A surgeon cuts to heal.
Shing! (imitates whistling blade) (makes explosion sound) Food.
(chopping) Whoops.
I had it upside down.
Erin's brake lines have been cut, just like you wanted.
Wait, what? That's not what I I'm just kidding, dawg.
That's for the end of the relationship.
She's all tuned up.
Well, I like the cape.
I'm a soldier-hero, dawg.
Away! Okay, she's gonna be here soon; let's wrap it up! I actually I just have a few plating instructions.
No, go.
You see, we eat first with our eyes, which is Okay, just promise me you'll hand-tear the cilantro (grunts) For the love of God ERIN: I'm home.
In the kitchen.
Wow.
Oh, this? Yeah.
(both grunting) (bell clangs) (grunting) (clangs) (both exhale) You all right, Pete? Yeah, yeah.
I just forgot how hard this is.
No, I mean, back at the worm pit, you seemed a little weird.
No, I'm fine.
Are you sure? All right.
Okay, I've been thinking about what you said about Jill.
I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but I think I might be into her.
(shouts) Oh! You hit Pete! And you let him do it! What the hell, Randy?! I'm so sorry! And I'm mad and in love and sad! I'm all the feelings except happy! I cannot believe that you just hit me! I can't believe you told me not to like Jill because you like her! That is not what happened! She wasn't even on my radar until you laid out a case of why we're perfect for each other.
Why am I so persuasive?! - Calm down, Randy.
- Not until you back off.
Well, I don't think I can now! She blew snot on the ground, and it gave me the feelings! Then I guess this competition just got competitive.
Oh, it did! But this time, I'm not gonna cry! You are crying right now! You're crying right now! (high-pitched sobbing) He is not good at comebacks.
Well, that was amazing.
With the cilantro? Hand-torn because you eat with your eyes first.
Hey, what do we say, Sam? Thank you.
You're welcome, buddy.
And thanks for doing I don't know, everything else.
I feel like the queen of this run-down tract home.
Good.
(rumbling, rattling) Sounds like the washer again.
Brandon just fixed that.
Seriously? You know this house is a piece of junk, right? (grunting) All right, you've been at it for two days.
You're hot, stanky, and it's time for hand-to-hand combat.
Take your opponent to the ground! Hooah.
Hooah.
The winner carries the loser around the pit as a symbol of our duty never to leave a Ranger behind.
You hear that, Pete? Try not to get carried away.
- That one actually works.
- What works? Ready? Full speed.
Execute! (grunting) Oh! Oh, my God! I won! The first time I won! I am immortal! You didn't win anything.
I'm not all the way down! - (high-pitched yell) - CODY: Okay, soldier.
Carry the loser around the pit.
(grunting) - What are you doing, Pete? - Sergeant Hill, what are you doing? Winning as I'm accustomed to.
- Just shut up and let me carry you.
- No! - Let me carry you! - No, I'll never let you carry me.
I will carry you! (grunting) - I'm carrying you.
- I've got you.
- I got you first.
- Nut slam! Ow! Ooh! (groaning) God, it's cold! Oh, God! What the hell?! I'm still carrying you.
ERIN: So, what are you gonna make tomorrow night? Hey, buddy.
What you doing with the washer? Nothing.
Sam, have you been breaking stuff around the house so your dad will come and fix it? Maybe.
(sighs) I totally get that.
So let me get this straight.
Sergeant Perez blows some snot on the ground, and you two bozos think you're falling in love with her? - I liked her first.
- He sold me on a vision! - You tricked me into - You told me she was - Oh, hell! Stop.
Ooh.
- Okay, all right, I hate her.
You two are so far out of line, I don't know where to start! If you pulled this crap in the field, someone could get hurt.
Or worse! Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! BOTH: Yes, Sergeant Major.
And these so-called feelings you're having? Garbage! Romance has no place here! You're soldiers! She's a soldier! That's it.
Anything else makes a complete mockery of everything the Rangers stand for! I should throw you both out on your ass! You're right, Sergeant Major.
Sorry, Sergeant Major.
While you've been working out your Jane Austen nonsense, you've completely overlooked that you're leaving a fellow soldier behind.
(Perez groaning) Damn it! On the upside, it turns out your house isn't cursed.
Wow.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I need to make sure he sees his dad more.
It's just, Brandon's been away for so long, Sam gets nervous about when he's gonna see him again.
No.
Obviously, it's best if I stop fixing things.
And cooking things.
But thank you for all that you did.
Oh, by the way, Dobkiss left his wallet, a crossbow and a vial of boner pills in my car.
Come on, you got this! You can do this, Sergeant Perez! Come on, don't give up.
You got this.
Come on, you got this! Damn! Come on! Come on! (grunts) I can't do it! - Come on, yes, you can.
- I'm done.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Stop it! I know I talk a lot of crap, but I think it's time to admit that I just I can't hack it.
(sighs) Hey.
Somebody's gonna be the first female Ranger.
That's right.
She's either out there somewhere, or she's right here in front of us.
Hooah.
We're right here with you, Sergeant Perez! Let's go.
You got this.
(grunting) (grunting continues) - Don't give up, soldier! - Let's go! Come on, soldier.
(grunting) - Almost there! - Just reach out.
One more! (bell clangs) Yes! Yes! - Congratulations, Sergeant Perez! - Yeah! I love you guys! (panting) It's no big deal, bro.
Good job, dude.
(grunting) As you can see, the future of the Rangers lies with you.
(high-pitched scream) DERRICK: When did you know? Oh, right away.
Right.
I was getting fancy desserts, and my toilet was flushing.
Figured I'd ride that train as long as I could.
Great.
So, um need to bring up something uncomfortable.
Let me guess.
You want me to bounce these guys? I love you, brother.
I love you, brother.
And I respect you.
I respect you, too.
- I beat you.
- That's where we're gonna part ways.
My shoulder was not down.
Arm wrestle settles it.
Bring it! (glass breaking) Idiots.
So, Brandon called, and he's being transferred.
Oh.
To Fort Lewis.
That's in Washington state.
(chuckles) It's literally the furthest diagonal from here.
I really like you, Derrick, but you'd be the only thing keeping me here.
I can bartend anywhere.
And Sam and his dad I don't know what to do.
Uh yeah, you do.
It's-it's okay.
It's okay.
Don't look at them.
Don't look at them.
Just us? It's just us.