Evening Shade s01e12 Episode Script

So I go up to Will's room, and I say, "All right, young man, "what are these papers under your bed with the D's and F's on them?" And he said, Well, I was, I was saving them up 'cause I didn't want to get in trouble but once.
" Smart kid.
Yeah, he's a bright kid.
This is hardly something we should be busting our buttons over.
No, he is bright.
He's just got a short attention span, that's all.
Oh, well, that can happen to anybody.
Harlan has certainly got a short attention span.
Sometimes, when we're in bed, Merleen his mind just Merleen, I don't think we need to go into that.
You know, I saw that white trash Fontana Beausoleil at the Tastee Freez last night, and she had this big old stack of mail from your daddy.
Oh, it just makes me so mad! I mean, here he is, my only brother, gets this big honor being a small town newspaper editor, selected to go cover the Middle East, and the best he can come up with so far is letters to a harlot back home.
Well, he is just lucky he didn't get sent to the Soviet Union.
I saw on TV where they're running out of food.
You know, now, I don't understand that.
I mean, if those people don't have anything to eat, how come they're all so fat? I give.
How come? Excuse me? Hi, Nub.
Oh, hey, Coach.
Oh, sorry.
I thought it was one of those riddles like, "What has four wheels and flys?" With the answer being, "A garbage truck.
" What's on your mind? Oh, nothing.
I was just down at Phil's Appliance watching an Andy Griffith rerun.
Hmm.
You know, sometimes that Aunt Bee can get a little pushy.
Opie needed a new suit, and she didn't want Andy to spend the money.
Well, I say, hey, what the heck skin is it off of her nose? She's been there for a hundred years.
She doesn't even pay rent.
I think you got a good point there.
Well, you know that Fabian sure has held up well.
Have you all seen that new commercial that he's done on TV? Have you seen it, Frieda? Fabian who? Just Fabian.
He only has one name, like Madonna.
I'm sorry.
I do not acknowledge people with only one name.
For me, they simply do not exist.
Well, they do exist, whether you acknowledge them or not.
I've seen them both on TV.
Not to mention Cher and Hitler.
Merleen, Hitler doesn't have just one name.
His first name was Adolf.
That's another one Adolph's Meat Tenderizer.
Merleen, I really don't want to discuss this.
I got an idea.
Why don't we all go to see a picture show tonight? Rocky V is playing down at the Rogers.
Please, I am so tired of those movies.
I hate Rocky.
I wish Conan the Barbarian'd just kick the hell out of him.
Then we could have something else on the marquee.
Well, Wood and I can't go anyway.
We're having dinner over at Gil and Madeline Hall's house.
Boy, you all sure are seeing a lot of them lately.
Oh, not really.
Mostly school events.
Our kids have become friends.
Yeah, we were over there a few weeks ago.
I gotta tell you, it was pretty boring.
Harlan! Well, it was, honeycakes.
All we did was sit around and watch picture albums of their vacations.
Well, I thought it was interesting.
I never knew that the presidents' faces on Mount Rushmore were not a natural phenomenon.
Who are Gil and Madeline Hall? Is that Arlene Hall's son? Oh.
That's right.
He was raised here, and now he's been transferred back to manage the shoe outlet.
They were living in Anaheim, which is just less than a mile from Disneyland.
Which, of course, also means less than a mile from Frontierland and Tomorrowland and Fantasyland.
I just can't imagine what it's like to get up every morning being so close to all those different lands.
Can you? No.
But I'll tell you this, Merleen.
You're a lot closer than you think.
Woods, my man, another drink? No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
Ava? Oh, no thanks.
Madeline, this cake was fabulous.
Oh, it's easy.
I make it all the time.
It's my son's favorite.
Really? Well, then I'm gonna make it for his birthday party on Saturday.
Ava, that's so sweet of you.
Are you sure? You're so busy.
Not only am I sure, but my kids are counting on it.
You just tell me who else you want to invite.
Oh, well, no one else really.
We'd love to have it with just your family.
That's right.
Since we moved back, nobody's made us as comfortable as you guys.
In fact, I don't think we could have survived without you.
You're very special people.
What's the matter, Woodson? Am I getting too sappy for you here? No, I was just waiting for you to elaborate.
Well, actually, I don't think you're that special, but I think your wife is.
What I can't figure out is how an old washed-up football player like yourself, can end up marrying such a beautiful young girl with a body like that.
You're bad! Well, that's, that's because you don't know about my soul and my spirituality.
That's what attracted her in the first place.
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, now, I have to say, I don't think that Ava got such a bad deal.
I mean, I think Woods is in fabulous shape.
Oh, got a little tummy here.
Of course, it's hard to tell with all his clothes on.
But what I can see looks good.
Ah! All of him looks good.
Ah? It's great to hear from another precinct.
Well, now that dinner's over, how about a little four-way card game? Oh, that sounds great.
What do you want to play? I think Madeline's got her heart set on strip poker.
You're so bad.
Hey, I'm tired of playing cards.
Let's watch a movie.
Well, you know Rocky V is at the Rogers.
Oh, we didn't mean to go out.
We have lots of movies here.
Do you by any chance have, It's a Wonderful Life? I missed it at Christmas, and it's been killing me.
No, we have something better than that.
We have Carl and Sylvia on Their Honeymoon.
Carl and Sylvia on Their Honeymoon.
Who, who are they? Well, they're actors.
Oh.
They're very good.
Most of those films don't have acting or plots, but this has everything.
Carl and I don't, I don't, I don't know that one.
Do you, honey? No.
Hey, did you blow a fuse? Just creating a little atmosphere.
Yeah.
Wanna light those candles for me, Ava? Oh, sure.
I love candles, especially during the holidays.
They're so festive.
Boy, your kids sure are quiet.
You sedate them? Oh, no, they're at Gil's sister's.
Ah.
Honey, I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable.
Could I offer either of you a robe or anything? A robe? We're among friends.
Might as well be comfy.
No, thanks.
I'll pass.
What kind of robe is it? Just an old velour robe.
Ah.
What'd you think it would be, see-through silk with matching underwear? He can't have that.
That's mine.
No, I'll pass on the robe.
Sit back, and get ready for Carl and Sylvia on Their Honeymoon.
Carl and Sylvia I never heard of this picture.
Well, but you've never heard of Day for Night or A Man and a Woman either.
Yeah.
Is this European? No.
Actually, I think it was made in Detroit.
But darling, I've done everything you've wanted.
I mean, I'm standing here wearing nothing but these hip boots and a little trout basket, aren't I? You know what I want.
Why are you kissing me like that? Because your mouth, it's hard and it's cruel.
All right.
Have it your way.
You and me and Kevin and Sandy.
Is it, is it just me, or is anyone else warm in here? I am.
I know.
We can put on our swimsuits and get into the hot tub.
And then when we get out, we'll all be refreshed.
Oh, no, that's all right.
We don't swim.
It's only a foot deep.
We don't wade, either.
We, we, we don't like water at all.
What, what he means is we don't like to sit in water.
We take showers.
Yeah.
With the doors locked.
Right.
Well, I really hate to break this up, but I really think we should be going.
It-it's only 8:00.
Yeah, well, I have school in the morning.
Well, school starts at 8:30.
What time do you have to be there? Well, we're never gonna see those people again.
They seemed so normal.
It's just so bizarre.
I mean, first trying to get us into robes, and then that stupid movie.
I thought Sylvia was pretty good in the montage.
On the other hand, maybe we're overreacting.
Maybe they didn't mean what we thought they mean.
How old do you think Sylvia is? Oh, Wood! You know, maybe we're mistaken.
Like when you're in ninth grade, and, and you're dancing close with a boy, and his hand sort of slips down to here, you know, and you're never quite sure whether or not it's an accident.
You thought that was an accident? Sometimes.
Where were you when I was in the ninth grade? The point is, maybe Gil and Madeline didn't really mean anything.
Maybe they were kidding around.
Kidding? She made a remark about my buttocks.
Wait a minute, before we go in the house.
Huh? She actually said that word? Yeah.
Nobody uses that word.
What did she say? She said that they look great when I was walking away in the distance.
She said that? That's hysterical.
I don't think it's that funny.
I think they do look pretty good when I'm walking away.
All right, that's it.
We're not having this party.
What exactly did Gil say to you in the kitchen? He said that you were an incredibly lucky man, and if he were married to me, he'd never let me get dressed.
He said that? I should have punched his lights out.
I would have, too, except it was so dimly lit in there with those candles.
You know what really makes me mad? Why we didn't just get up and walk out.
I mean, why should we feel embarrassed? They're the ones who were out of line.
I never liked him.
I don't want their buttocks in our house ever.
What are we gonna do? I mean, our kids are crazy about each other.
You know, just on the possibility that we are overreacting, I think maybe we should give them another chance.
Are you crazy? We were lucky to get out of there with our socks on.
Every five minutes: "Wouldn't you like to get into something a little more comfortable?" Those people were desperate to get our clothes off.
We were lucky they didn't have a wind-sucking machine.
But we promised to have this party, and it's in our house.
What can go wrong? Well, with those people, it's a birthday party.
They could come in their birthday suit.
So, anyway, it was the fifth period, which is my free period, and I was out kinda strolling along outside the gymnasium and see this guy leaning up against the wall smoking a cigarette.
So I go up to him and I give him the usual lecture you know, on lung cancer and emphysema and all that and then I proceed to take that cigarette right out of his mouth and break it in two with one hand.
Well, good for you.
What did he say? He said, "I'm not a student at this school.
" Oh, my Lord.
What did he do? Well, best I remember, he sort of picked me up by my sides, swung me back and forth a couple of times, you know, to build up momentum.
The next thing I know, I'm kind of flying through the air, for what seems like some time.
I mean, I definitely remember three parked cars as I passed over them, and that was right before I hit the telephone pole.
I got something in my bag for that, if you want it.
No.
Hey! hey, I don't want you to tell anybody about this, either.
This is my first black eye.
I'm kinda proud of it.
I mean, people look at you different when they know you're a fighter.
I mean, like this morning.
I was driving the Gremlin through the Minute Wash.
You know that guy that takes the quarters? Mm-hmm.
He had this new look of respect in his eyes.
That guy is blind.
What do you mean? I mean, he's blind.
Deelo Delman.
He's a patient of mine.
Well, I don't care.
He still had a respectful look.
Maybe he sensed something.
Yeah, right.
Hi, guys.
Hey, coach.
Hey.
What happened to your eye? Well, it was fifth period, which is my free period and It's a long story.
Hmm.
Ava's gotta work tonight.
I thought I'd take Will and Taylor to see Rocky V.
You guys want to come along and get it over with? Oh, sorry, Coach.
I got a lot of papers I gotta grade.
I told Merleen I'd take her to the Sale Barn.
I thought you were doing that Friday night.
I can't.
We're gonna go to the Halls' for dinner.
Oh, yeah? Why? Why, I assume to eat.
I wouldn't assume anything.
Well, what do you mean? Nothing.
I just don't think you should go, that's all.
Well.
I know they're boring, but Merleen's already accepted.
Anyway, you went.
Yeah, well, I didn't have a good time.
Ah, don't worry about that.
Merleen can have a good time anywhere.
I tell you, you could call that girl up in the middle of the night and say, "Merleen, I want you to come down here to the dog pound.
We got a bunch of cages we want you to clean out.
" And she'd say, "Oh, I just think that's so interesting.
" Last time you were there, they, they, they just showed you vacation slides? Yeah.
Why? Just curious.
Well, they're coming over to your house, aren't they? Yeah, but we don't want them to.
Well, what the hell did they do? They didn't do anything.
It's just They're weird, that's all.
In what way? They're weird! Oh, hey, I think I know what he means.
They're from California, aren't they? I bet they've been in therapy.
No, it's more than that.
Well, then what is it? They made a pass at us.
Oh, my Lord.
What kind of pass? What kind of pass? What do you think, what kind of pass? They, they, they put a move on us.
You know what I mean? They You're kidding.
No.
I You know, you-you, you get there and they, and they, and they give you this great dinner, and then they ply you with drinks, a- and then they offer you robes to wear, and then the lights get real low, and, and then you watch Carl and Sylvia on their Honeymoon.
There was another couple there? No, it's one of those tapes.
You know, one of those tapes.
And if you say anything about the temperature at all, they run outside and, and, and turn on the hot tub.
Well, we asked to use the hot tub.
They said it was broken.
Well, it wasn't broken last night.
Well, we watched a tape, and it wasn't one of those tapes.
It was an old Pat Boone movie, State Fair, with Ann Margaret.
I kind of liked it.
I mean, how do you like that? Talk about insulting.
They didn't offer us any robes.
I guess they didn't think we were attractive enough for them.
You know something? I've heard about this kind of stuff before.
I mean, there are couples.
They have these clubs where they go, and they switch partners.
It happens a lot in small towns.
You know, it wouldn't surprise me if they was trying to turn you and Mrs.
Newton into some kind of sex slaves.
No, I don't think that's what they had in mind.
You know what I always wondered? What does a sex slave do? I mean, when they're not having sex.
What, are they picking cotton? What do you think of my shirt? It's old.
It's ugly.
It's perfect.
What you do to your hair? It's a bun.
Ugly.
Thank you.
Well, I guess I ought to button this up, huh? Oh, I'll, I'll do the top one.
Okay.
Maybe we should just wear snow suits.
Don't be ridiculous.
If-if they make a pass at us, I'm gonna toss them out on the lawn.
Hey.
How do you like this? That's very unsexy.
Good, I'll wear it.
Oh, I'm just so uncomfortable.
I'm so nervous.
Well, you don't have to be nervous.
I'm telling you, with the kids here, they're, they're not gonna make a pass at us.
Yeah.
Mom.
Kids! That was Mrs.
Hall on the phone.
Mitchell's got the flu.
They, they can't come over.
What? Oh, that's great.
Oh, no, I mean, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Yeah, that, that, that's too bad.
Uh Yeah, well, that's, that's the way life goes.
Well, maybe we should take the cake over there.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No.
If he's got the flu, he doesn't even feel like eating.
Why don't we eat the cake ourselves? That's exactly what we're gonna do.
We're gonna eat the cake.
We're gonna eat some ice cream.
We're gonna put on these party hats, and then, uh, your mother's gonna go over there and play the piano.
We're all gonna gather around the piano and have an old-fashioned sing-along, like, you know, like a good, old-fashioned family with good, old-fashioned values.
I don't play the piano.
That's all right.
We'll.
we'll-we'll do it a capella.
I don't know that song.
Well, just, just listen to your dad.
Okay? Okay.
All right.
In fact, that's a good rule, in general.
You know that's what's the matter with this country.
Th-They're just not doing enough things together.
Families need to do things together.
You know what we're gonna do Sunday? We-We're gonna go to church.
Oh, yeah.
We always go to church.
Well, we'll go again.
And then we'll come home, and we'll make a quilt.
Okay.
You guys are acting weird.
No, we're not.
We just want you all to know that we love you, and no matter what crazy things go on in the rest of the world, that we still have each other.
Yeah.
Have we gone bankrupt? No, silly.
Come on.
I can't move.
I'll get it.
Huh.
Come on in.
Hi.
Oh, thank goodness.
You all are still up.
Oh! Well.
Harlan and I were lying in bed, and we just couldn't sleep, and so we got up, in our pajamas and put on our coats and came straight over here.
What happened? Well We went to dinner at the Halls'.
And well, we weren't gonna tell anybody this, but now we realize that we just must talk to someone, because it's just too traumatic.
And, well, since it happened to you all, too They came on to you? Yes! Well, Wood tried to warn Harlan, but I'm I just couldn't believe it.
And, well, well, I know if it happened to you, it could just as easily have happened to us, too.
I mean, the way I just exude sexuality.
I mean, there is For some reason, I am just I've always been a magnet to perverts.
What I don't understand is why they didn't come on to us the first time.
Well, Harlan, they were probably exhausted.
I mean, even Dracula can get satiated.
So what did they do? Well, they asked us to play cards, and then they tried to change it to strip poker.
Yeah.
Mm.
And then when we said that we just weren't interested, they said, "Well, there are a lot of other four-way things that we could do.
" Do you believe it? That's when I said, "Hey, "no way are we interested in a four-way, whatever it is.
" Oh, that's right.
Harlan has enough trouble with twosies.
What do you think, Woodrow? Hmm? I think we ought to go over there, man-to-man, and straighten him out.
Tell him that people around here aren't interested in stuff like that.
I want to go over there and rip that flimsy little robe off and stuff it down his throat.
And I want to send him back to Fantasyland, where he can come on to Mickey and Minnie.
Oh, thank you.
I just feel so much better now that we've talked to you all about it.
Hey, that's okay.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh Mitchell's feeling better, so we thought we'd come over for a piece of that birthday cake.
.
Yeah, but we can see that you're busy.
Yeah.
Well, that's okay.
I'll get you the cake.
Forget the cake.
Hey, now I get it.
What can I say? Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
In Evening Shade We ain't afraid to get a little laid back And let the daylight fade Life goes slow and it's worth a lot more When you got it made And we got it made in the shade Evening Shade.