Everybody Loves Raymond s01e12 Episode Script

- Deb£¡ - What? I can't see.
I hate this side of the bed.
I can't see the TV from here.
What do you mean? You picked that side.
I didn't know it was gonna be my side for life.
I gotta watch TV with a big foot in the middle of the screen.
I'm trying to get the weather.
I can only get from Wednesday over.
Do you wanna switch sides? What? After seven years? I'll be all out of whack over there.
Maybe you'll do better with your next wife.
My next wife isn't gonna have feet.
Right.
I'll be able to watch the TV and I'll never have to go dancing.
Hi I'm Ray.
I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra my five-year-old daughter and twin almost two-year-old boys.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
The truth is I'd do anything for my family.
And done.
Oh no.
Debra£¡ Honey£¡ Somebody call my father£¡ I'm hyperventilating£¡ Yeah it's a charity drive Linda.
We take anything you wanna get rid of.
No not him.
Hang on.
Ray can you get that please? I'm all boxed in over here.
Coming£¡ - What are the twins doing? - They're playing.
MichaeI thinks he's in a car Geoffrey just thinks he's in a box.
The kid's got no imagination.
Brought some stuff over for the church drive.
- Great.
- It's a little heavy.
- Thanks that's sweet.
What is it? - My weight set.
- You're not working out anymore? - No I'm losing some of my flexibility.
Having trouble shampooing.
There's a lot of stuff here.
Lot of ugly stuff.
Who would buy this? You bought it for me.
How come you never wear it? Ray you're giving this away? What is it? Oh my God Debra what're you doing? What? It's just an old baseball.
Just a baseball? Just a baseball£¡ I've had this thing for 25 years.
This is my autographed Mickey Mantle ball.
Debra£¡ Sorry.
So Mickey Mantle signed it.
So? This is like having a Bible signed by - It's exactly the same.
- That's right.
My dad got me this when I was 10.
- Remember? - Yeah I remember.
You got Mickey Mantle I got Art Shamsky.
You wanted Art Shamsky.
He homered his first Major League at-bat.
Then after that right to the dumper.
- He could still become famous.
- Yeah if he shoots someone famous.
I haven't thought about this ball in years.
Hi Ray.
Mistletoe.
I'm not kissing you buddy.
You're all hands.
You used to love that about me.
What's with all the boxes? This is my stuff.
Deb and I It ain't happening.
That's too bad.
Mind if I call her? It's a charity drive for the needy Andy.
Great£¡What can I have? It's not for the emotionally needy.
Andy did I ever show you that? That's my Mickey Mantle.
You met the Mickele? No my dad got it for me.
Pretty incredible huh? Yeah if Mickey really signed it.
What are you talking about? Didn't you see that thing on 60 Minutes? All this signed stuff is like 70% fake.
Like back then the trainers would sign all the balls.
You know I saw that.
Raymond this may not be reaI.
That's a shame.
Yeah right.
Dad got this for me himself.
All right? Maybe Morley Safer's wrong.
- Andy wanna go for a slice? - Sure.
You in Ray? No go ahead.
You guys go.
All right come on peppy.
Listen Andy can I borrow that mistletoe? I wanna break the ice with the woman in Homicide.
You okay Ray? What if they're right what if he didn't sign this? Come on Ray I don't even remember you ever looking at that ball.
It's been buried in the closet since we moved here.
No not buried.
Tucked away.
You don't get it.
Mickey Mantle signed this to me.
To Ray.
Then he wishes me luck.
Good luck.
Then he signs it£º ¡°Mickey Mantle.
¡± Look how the ¡°Y¡± in the Ray is the same as the ¡°Y¡± in the Mickey.
You know for one moment the greatest player that I ever saw was thinking about me.
I know it sounds stupid but this guy is the reason that I'm a sportswriter.
This guy is Mickey Mantle.
Actually that's beautifuI Ray.
It's very passionate.
You remember what you said to me when you proposed? So how about it? Why do you insist on making this car-wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a reaI tree.
An artificiaI tree saves water saves the forest and saves the planet.
I'm a conservationist.
You're cheap.
All right I'm saving money.
I hate this thing.
Fine then there'll be nothing under it for you.
Like I need another Totes umbrella.
Ray darling£¡ Merry Christmas£¡ Merry Christmas.
Did Rockefeller Center turn it down again this year? It's a shame.
Here Ma.
Debra says thanks for the clothes.
- What clothes? - It's your junk.
Like that ratty moth-eaten gray sweater.
Moth-eaten? Marie I love that sweater.
And I don't wanna see any wild-eyed weirdo marching around in my clothes.
Welcome to my world Frank.
Holidays are a very stressfuI time for your mother.
- How are things at your house? - Yeah we're busy too.
As a matter of fact we were cleaning things out this morning and look what I found.
- Remember this? - Look at that£¡ God I remember when I brought this home for you.
What were you like 10? You ran all around the neighborhood showing it to the other kids right? Yeah.
So Mickey Mantle really signed it.
Who told you that? You did£¡ What Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? This isn't reaI? It's a reaI ball.
I don't believe this.
So you never met him? No.
What's the matter with you? No nothing.
It looks like I'm the only normaI one here.
How could my father do this? He knew what that ball meant to me.
Ray I'm sure it wasn't intentionaI.
- He probably didn't even think about it.
- That's right.
He just thought it was okay to lie to his kid.
Look everybody does that sometimes.
No I don't.
No? What about No kids that's not a store.
¡°That's a toy museum.
¡± And my favorite one is ¡°Daddy's just teaching Mommy how to wrestle.
¡± That's my favorite one too.
But no more.
I'm not gonna lie to my kids anymore.
- Yes you will Ray.
- No I will not.
I'm not gonna do to them what my father did to me.
From now on only the truth.
When my kids look back at me I want them to be able to say ¡°Okay I'm all screwed up from that guy but he didn't lie.
¡± What a lovely thought for our children Ray.
Can I have this dolly Daddy? No honey we're gonna give these toys to other kids for Christmas.
Okay? But you said Santa brings all the toys.
I said Santa? Doesn't he Daddy? Daddy? Would you mind repeating the question? Doesn't Santa bring all the toys? - To be honest- - Don't you dare£¡ What Daddy? Who wants cookies? Tell me about Santa Daddy.
The answer I think honey comes down to the basic nature of reality.
Hokey-dokey? No.
I don't know how to tell you this but- Before Santa brings all the toys honey we're just gonna be Santa's helpers because he has so much to carry this year and he's out of shape.
That's nice.
So why don't you just go and play with your toys from last year and I'm gonna have a nice long talk with your Daddy about the nature of his reality.
Okay here we go.
How could you do that to her? - What? I didn't do anything.
- You were about to.
Ray I know you're upset with your father but how can you think about outing Santa? Would you rather she heard it on the streets? Please£¡ I'm sorry to have to do this Debra but Frank is absolutely insisting he get his ratty old sweater back.
which is probably the best thing that ever happened to the needy.
Go take it.
- What's the matter? - Nothing's the matter.
No nothing at all except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.
- You what? - No I didn't tell her.
My own son an atheist? Not an atheist Mom.
I don't believe in Iying to my kids.
Stop being foolish.
Now you go in there and tell Ally all about Santa Claus his flying reindeer his sled and all the rest of that malarkey.
I don't think that that's the right thing.
What's the matter with you? Nothing's the matter.
I'm just protecting her.
Protecting her from what? We didn't have that Santa Claus discussion untiI you were 14 years old.
Yeah but I knew about Santa when I was eight.
What did you wait till I was 14 for? Your father wanted to cover sex and Santa all at once.
Sort of get it over with.
Don't think that hasn't had repercussions.
- There you go Marie.
- Thanks honey.
Ally is 5 years old you Scrooge.
Of course we lie.
We all lie.
That's what holds us all together.
So you go in and lie to your daughter and I'll go home and feed the man I love.
Ray come on.
Are you still thinking about that baseball? No I'm thinking about a lot of things now.
Like what? Remember that guy that you went out with before me? Eric Butterpants.
Eric Butterman Ray.
So you do remember him£¡ Yeah.
What about him? You always said to me that you were glad that he broke up with you because otherwise you would have never met me.
So if he had never broken up with you would you have been gladder? You're really crazy you know that? No how do I know I'm the one that you wanted to end up with? Here's a hint Ray£º our three kids.
Yeah our three blond kids.
I think that's the baseball talking.
How can I be sure of anything? You don't believe in anything anymore? That's right unless I see it with my own eyes.
Merry Christmas£¡ Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house.
There are now.
Come on Robert.
No you have me mistaken for some other party for I'm the jolly old Saint Nick£¡ Mom told me what you did.
Nice.
Ally look it's Santa Claus£¡ God£¡ - Santa? - Yes it is really I and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girI this year and you're gonna get everything you want.
Unlike some other people.
Hold the ho's.
I wanna talk to you for a minute.
I'm sorry I'm with a client.
And you may call me Mr.
Claus.
Where's Ally? Holy crap£¡ - What are you doing here? - I'm Santa Claus.
You're Santa? All right will you guys cut it out? She's confused enough already.
What's to be confused about? I'm the reaI Santa£¡ Who is this imposter? Well you couldn't both be Santa.
You must be Santa's helpers.
Right£¡He's my helper.
Helper why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around? I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
Rudolph Donner Blitzen Those are the main ones.
We rotate them so they wear evenly.
Cupid Ajax and Lefty.
Now we know the truth.
It's Uncle Robert.
No little one I've only assumed the body of a life form that you would accept.
Robert you're Santa not a Klingon.
And that's Grandpa£¡ That's very good Ally this is Grandpa.
Guys you couldn't fooI her okay? Come on.
Pulling the beard off Santa the nerve of this guy.
You wanna do some good go work the corner with a bucket.
Just for that no toys.
Why did they do that? Honey it's just because Grandpa and Uncle Robert love you so much and they just wanted you to have a wonderfuI Christmas.
That's good.
You think she's better off now? They were just trying to help Ray.
Let them help by paying her shrink bills when she's having nightmares about two Santas and a reindeer named Lefty.
Hey Ray.
Dad do me a favor.
Don't come over and make up stories to Ally okay? Come on I'm her grandfather.
That's what I do.
I tell stories.
It's in the manuaI.
Like you told me stories right Dad? What is it? You know how much this thing meant to me? Come on Ray it's only a ball.
You're right Dad.
That's all it is now.
What's the matter with you? You know how much it meant to me to have a Mickey Mantle and what did you do? You brought home a fake.
What was I supposed to do? I didn't know Mickey Mantle.
And you wanted his autograph.
So I went back for five games and I stood by the stadium door and Mantle never came out.
So you just got some trainer to sign it.
No£¡ I signed it myself.
- You signed it? - Yeah.
I knew how much you wanted the thing so I practiced his signature over and over.
Not a bad job huh? If I could have gotten hold of the Mick's checkbook we'd be having this discussion on a yacht.
Why didn't you just tell me the truth? I didn't want you to be disappointed.
You're my kid.
I don't blame you for being ticked off.
I'm sorry I signed it.
What're you doing? I want it now.
You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you? Yeah Dad.
Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.
Ally£¡ Santa? Hi Ally.
You must be the reaI one.
I know how much you believed in me and I just wanted to come by and say ¡°Thanks for the support.
¡± Welcome.
I have to go now.
I have to fill all the stockings and eat all the cookies and in generaI this is one of my busiest nights of the year.
Will you tuck me in Santa? Yeah sure I'll tuck you in.
Anything else that you need? A jug of water? A trip to the bathroom? No thank you.
Okay then.
Sweet dreams.
Always.
- Santa.
- Yeah? See you next year.
Bye-bye.