Fam (2019) s01e12 Episode Script

1 Nick I think I'm in love.
Nice.
What's his name, and what high school did he drop out of? What? No, I'm in love with a dog.
I saw him at the animal shelter my weed guy works at.
(chuckles): Dude, he is so cute.
The dog.
Nick, can I adopt him? Please? Please, please, please, please? I promise I'll take such good care of him.
Okay, this is literally the easiest decision I've ever made.
(laughs): Thank you so much, Nick.
Oh, my God.
You're not gonna regret this.
Thought it was very clear that I meant, uh, no.
(chuckles) - What? - Look, a dog is a huge commitment, and your sister and I are gonna be the ones that have to take care of it.
And let's be honest, you're way too irresponsible.
(scoffs) Okay, Nick.
Name one thing I've done that's irresponsible.
- Uh, last - That specifically relates to dogs.
- Hey.
- Hey, babe.
How'd the dress fitting go? - Well - It was magical.
Clem, you will never know how much it means to me that you will be wearing my wedding gown.
I always thought it was impossible for someone to look better in it than I did.
But you came close.
SHANNON: Oh.
Good news, Clem.
We're getting a dog.
Wheels are in motion, can't be stopped.
I already named him Pretzel.
I assume you already shut this down? Shut it down like a RadioShack.
Clem, you know, this is a dream come true for me.
You know, never having a daughter of my own, I thought I wouldn't get to pass down my dress.
But now I have a daughter.
- Oh.
- Oh.
So I guess that makes you guys brother and sister? Okay, I just need to know, do you love the dress? I mean, do you really, really love it? - I love it.
- Oh! And I love that you love it.
Well, I got to go.
- Good-bye, darlings.
- Bye.
Oh, that is so great that you love it.
I hate it! I mean, I mean, it is beautiful, but it's just not me.
It's old-fashioned, and it's matronly, and there's just there's a lot of poof.
Babe, you're beautiful.
You can make any dress work.
Thank you.
And I have no choice.
If I don't walk down the aisle in that taffeta hazmat suit, your mom is gonna be devastated.
Don't worry, Clem.
You know what would make you feel a lot better right now? A dog.
Give it to me.
Give it to me straight.
Oh, honey, I haven't given it to anyone straight since prom '05.
But for real, - you look so beautiful.
- Aw.
is what I would say if you weren't wearing a curtain-sized doily.
And the worst part is when we were at the fitting, I saw this perfect Vera Wang dress.
Ben, I really want that Wang.
Girl, I get it.
I love the wang, too.
Well - this is a disaster.
- Okay.
I know how to cheer you up.
You are coming out with me this Friday.
The Queer Eye guys are throwing a party, and I'm gonna pretend to be straight so that they give me a makeover.
Nick and I have a date night planned.
We're gonna walk over the Brooklyn Bridge and go to this great little bistro.
We never hang out anymore, Clem.
I really miss my wingwoman.
What are you talking about? We hang out all the time.
Not like we used to.
Remember? You'd attract a crowd of straight guys, and I'd pick off the one that was just pretending - for his father.
- (sighs) Yeah, and I'd grab the one with emotional damage and date him until he decided he was better than me.
Mmm.
God, we had fun.
Anyway, I got to get out of this thing before somebody tries to roast me over a fire.
- Hey, Nicky.
- Hey, Ben.
So, what boring couple thing are you forcing my Clemmy to do tonight? Boring? Hardly.
Normally on Monday nights, we, uh, drink some wine, watch an episode of Bachelor in Paradise.
But last week we fell asleep, which means that this week, we get two episodes! Uh, what? (laughs) How will you keep this flame alive after the wedding? Anyway, I'm headed out.
Have a cycle class to teach.
Oh, yeah? You know, I've been looking for a new workout.
Maybe I'll stop by sometime.
Oh, it's an advanced class.
You might want to try Ira on Thursdays.
You don't think I can handle yours? Right.
That's why I said try Ira on Thursdays.
Okay, I need help.
This thing is like the world's poofiest prison.
Hey, babe.
Oh! Aah! I should not see you in the dress.
To be fair, no one should.
CLEM: Come on, Nick.
That old superstition? Yes, Clem.
It's bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the wedding.
Okay? Look, it's like some sort of curse or something.
- Ben, tell her.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry to tell you Nick's right.
You are now doomed to a lifetime of nights on the couch with bad television and worse wine.
It's a Trader Joe's pick of the week.
Man, things are getting hot on that beach, huh? I mean, I just knew he was gonna choose Becca P.
And then, boom, out of nowhere, Becca C.
Without even considering poor Becca R.
Babe, for what it's worth, - you look beautiful in that dress.
- Aw.
So I brought you a little juice from the vine - to ease your mind.
- Aw.
I can't wait to marry you.
To us.
Yes.
(chuckles) - (gasps, screams) - Oh! Oh! - What did you do? - Me? - Yes.
- You just flung wine all over my mom's dress.
I didn't do anything.
You were supposed to meet me halfway.
That's how a toast works.
- You don't just drink.
You clink first! - You don't always clink first.
Everybody clinks first.
Oh, my God.
The curse.
There is no curse.
There's a stain, and it is setting.
Come on.
Quick, the kitchen sink.
Quick.
I'll get the stain remover.
Go, go, go! I got the stain remover! Babe, turn on the other light.
- (garbage disposal grinding) - Oh, no! No! No.
(grinding stops) I don't think that was the light, Clem.
Maybe it's okay.
Maybe it's okay.
(grunts) Okay.
So it's not okay.
I see you had my leftover pad thai.
- What's up, Clem? - I'll tell you what's up.
I did something bad.
I did something, like, really, really, really, really, really bad.
You know, that sounds like something I usually say.
Hold up, did we just Freaky Friday? Shannon, I ruined Rose's wedding dress.
She's gonna be heartbroken.
Okay, Clem, I'm sure it's not that bad.
(whispers): Damn.
You murdered that thing.
Oh, my I can't believe that this happened.
You know what's comforting in times of stress? - Please don't say a puppy.
- A puppy.
(Nick cries out) (grunting) Wow.
I guess now we've both seen each other in outfits that we wish we could unsee.
I'm actually heading to Ben's cycle class.
He said he didn't think I could handle it.
Can you believe that? I mean, your boy ran a half marathon last year.
Yeah, but not on purpose.
Your boy signed up for a full one and then stopped halfway at a Pancake City.
To carbo-load.
Hey, babe, you sure you don't want me to come with you to tell my mom about the dress? No.
I got this.
But if I don't make it back alive, it's gonna be a real bummer that this was my last image of you.
Thank you.
Okay.
Enough stalling.
Here I go.
(groaning): Oh, my God.
How am I gonna do this? Listen, Clem, you're talking to the expert here.
If you've ever done something that's gonna completely crush and devastate someone, say it with a smile.
All right, we got options here.
There's the "I'm innocent" smile.
The "I don't know" smile.
Now, the really great one is the "I don't really care" smile.
The beauty of this one I want you to picture your best self and cycle to her, you bitches.
Nick.
How you doing, buddy? Hope you don't think I'm gonna go easy on you.
There is no special treatment in the Ben-Den.
Don't need any special treatment in the Ben-Den.
I'm actually a little bored.
When are we done with this warm-up? - Couple minutes.
- What!? This is still the warm-up? You got to be joking.
Everyone, I need you to kick it up a notch! (all whoop) Dig deep, Nicky, like my girl Gertie here.
And everyone wish Gertie a happy 75th birthday! (all cheer) Damn, Gertie.
Rose, there's something I need to tell you, and it may be very upsetting.
How do I say this? ROSE: What? What is it? Sweetheart, just tell me.
Rose, your wedding dress is ruined.
(gasps) - (Rose squeals) - CLEM: No, no, no, no, no.
Don't freak out.
It's not that bad.
- It's not? - Oh, no, it is real bad.
- I don't know why I just said that.
- (squeals) Rose, I'm so sorry.
How'd it happen? Well, the-the thing is, um, - what happened was - Rose, I did it.
I ruined your dress.
It was me.
What? Just FYI, I forgot to get more milk earlier like you asked me to.
I figured I'd sort of draft off this much bigger Shannon confession.
Continue.
Tell me exactly how it happened.
Well, you know, normally, I make a list.
But truth is, I got a little cocky.
So, I was messing around, and I spilled red wine on the dress, - and then - Red wine? Red wine around a wedding gown? Oh, God, that is so careless.
Careless! And then, in an extremely unfortunate turn of events, I tried to wash it in the sink, and I ended up shredding it in in the in the garbage disposal.
Well, I guess that dream is over.
The dream of seeing Clem married in my wedding gown.
I'm sorry, Rose.
Rose, I feel terrible.
Oh.
Me, too, Clem.
Me, too.
Hmm.
I also forgot the Wheat Thins.
I'm sorry.
That was really hard.
Shannon, you totally threw yourself on the grenade for me.
Why'd you do that? Dude, I'm used to people being disappointed in me.
I can handle it.
And I know how important your relationship with Rose is to you, so Oh.
Shannon, sometimes you really surprise me.
Aw.
And for my cooperation, I want that puppy.
- And other times, you're a little on the nose.
- Mm.
Oh, my God, I love this dog so much! I love you.
I love you.
I love you, I love you.
I love you.
And I love you.
And you thought I wasn't gonna be able to take care of him.
You've literally had him for two hours.
Yeah, but that's, like, way longer in dog hours.
(groans) - Oh.
(sucks air through teeth) - Wow.
You see that, Pretzel? That's the result of 30 minutes of light exercise.
Top athletes, like your boy right here, call it "the recovery waddle.
" That's right.
If you ain't waddling, you ain't throttling.
Here we go! Aah.
I just got off the phone with the guy from the bridal shop.
And guess what.
He's giving me the Wang of my dreams.
And this is how you tell me? (barks) CLEM: Um, Shannon, I think Pretzel here needs to go out.
Nah, he's just holding the door shut to protect us.
Fine.
I'll go get his leash, 'cause I'm responsible.
Come on, Pretzel.
Let's go.
Look, Clem, I get why you didn't want to tell my mom about what happened with the dress, but now, we're stuck with a creature that's barely housebroken and can't take care of itself.
And on top of all of that, we have a dog.
I know.
I do kind of feel bad about lying to your mom, but think about it.
It all worked out.
I'm all good with Rose.
I get to wear the dress that I really wanted to wear.
And Shannon gets to learn about responsibility.
What happened to your curse, hmm? (knocking at door) Hey, Walt.
What's up? Good news.
I was able to pull some strings, call in a favor, and I got a costume designer friend to repair Rose's wedding dress! No! Way! No way.
That's that's awesome.
(laughs) (Clem fake laughs) Holy crap, you can't kill that thing.
Walt, I can't believe it.
The dress looks exactly the same as before.
Doesn't it, Clem? Yeah, although, is it just me, or did they add even more poof? Good eye.
I had 'em do that.
You got to keep up with the times.
Dad, how'd you get that done so fast? Oh, it wasn't easy.
The costume designer is an aspiring playwright, so I had to promise to star in a two-week run of her show about menopause, called Is It Hot in Here? Well, I got to bounce.
I'm meeting some friends to study.
That sounds a lot like you.
What are you guys studying? Physics.
Is that a thing? Don't you think you should stop by the apartment first and let your dog out? Man, I should have gotten one of those dogs that pees in a box.
That's called a cat.
(door closes) I can't believe you let her have a dog.
And after what she did to our dress.
Mm.
Well, it was an accident.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
You never know with Shannon.
You know, Clem, I have done everything I could to welcome your family into our family.
And I know Shannon's had a difficult upbringing, but so have you, and I don't think you'd ever do something like that.
Ooh.
And the hurtful part is, she doesn't even seem genuinely sorry.
Oh, she's sorry.
I know for a fact that she's, like, really, really sorry.
Like on the verge of vomiting sorry.
Clem, what's going on? Shannon didn't ruin the dress, Rose.
I did.
What? I ruined the dress, Rose.
Shannon took the blame because 'cause she didn't want you to be mad at me.
WALT: Wow.
That was actually very noble of Shannon.
Then she blackmailed us for a puppy.
That sounds right.
But I don't understand.
Why didn't you say something? Because you said I was like a daughter to you, and that meant the world to me.
And then I ruined the dress, and I got scared that maybe you wouldn't feel like that about me anymore.
Oh, baby, you'll always be my daughter, even if you disappoint me.
Walt's still my husband, and he forgot the damn Wheat Thins.
The good news is, despite this fiasco, you can still wear the gown now that it's been repaired.
(sing-songy): And updated in the poof department.
Oh, and going forward, I want you to know, in this family, you can always be honest with me.
I don't care how difficult you think it is for me to hear.
Don't you ever hold back.
- Rose? - Mm-hmm.
The dress It's just a little old-fashioned.
Ooh, hold back.
Hold back.
I love what it symbolizes.
I do.
And I love you, but it's just It's not me.
Clem, you're the bride.
It's your day.
Sweetheart, you get to wear whatever you want to wear.
Do you mean it? I think so.
So, she's not wearing the dress, but I'll be spending two weeks in Detroit in the dead of winter doing menopause theater.
That'll be fun.
It's dinner time, Pretzel.
Again.
I just don't see the point in this.
I put food in the front, it comes out the back.
What do I get out of it? Love and companionship? Sure, but so much comes out the back.
(knocking at door) Hey, guys.
Who is this adorable confection? That's my dog Pretzel.
Oh.
Oh.
His kisses are like butterfly wings! Missed you in class today, Nicky.
Ah, yeah, yeah.
You know, today was my lifting day.
As in lifting the aspirin to your mouth, or? Okay, fine, Ben.
Your class kicked my ass.
I'm in so much pain, this morning, I had to sit to pee.
I kind of liked it.
It might be my new thing.
Well, Clemmy, since Nicky here clearly can't cross the bridgey, sounds like you're free to go to the party with me tonight.
Oh, no.
I can't leave Nick like this.
Aah! What? No.
No.
I thought if he couldn't walk, you could go with me.
Wait a minute.
Did you know I was gonna end up like this? Did you know he was gonna end up like this? Okay, fine.
The bike I put you on it's way harder than the rest of 'em.
We call it "Jaws.
" It's reserved for Ironmen, Olympians and Beyoncé.
Wait.
So what you're saying is, I am an incredible athlete.
You did, like, three stages of the Tour de France.
It's a miracle that you are standing up.
Well, you know, that is your boy.
(laughs) It hurts so bad.
Ben, why would you do that to him? Because I miss us, Clem.
Everything's changing.
And seeing you in that dress that burlap yurt of a dress really drove that home.
Ben, we will always be besties.
Me getting married doesn't change that.
It just changes some of the things that we do.
Like, maybe more walks to brunch, and less walks of shame.
But I am happy for you guys, even if I have to find another wingperson.
You sound like you could use a buddy.
Maybe a little wingpuppy, you know? Take him.
I can't take your dog.
You absolutely can.
Look, I love him.
Just not ready for him.
It turns out I am deeply irresponsible.
It's no one's fault.
No one saw this coming.
Anyways, he'd be happier with you.
And I could still visit him all the time.
No, it's too crazy.
I can't.
We walked by the pier, and, like, 15 sailors stopped to pet him.
They did? Mm-hmm.
To pet my dog? Come on, little buddy.
We got to get you a little sailor hat.
He licked inside my mouth.