Friends with Benefits s01e12 Episode Script

So, I'm walking through the tent, with Sean Penn, and I see this young mom sharing a loaf of bread with her entire village.
And then Sean says, "We are all Haiti.
" Oh That is amazing.
That is awesome.
God, you have the coolest job.
The past couple of years, I've been in Katrina, Afghanistan, Indonesia for the tsunami Wow, bro.
You're really bad luck.
Right? And when I interviewed Obama Sarah's new boyfriend's not so great.
I could totally crush him in a dance-off.
Like a superstar S-T-A-R, S-T-R Oh, oh, you are a superstar S-T-A-R, S-T-R Party like a superstar S-T-A-R, S-T-R Oh, oh, you are a superstar How are things going with you, Ben? Huh? Oh.
Uh, me? No.
Things are good.
Yeah, actually great.
Macaroni.
Macaroni and cheese.
Ooh.
Hey.
Yeah.
That's, uh that's my truck.
You're being towed.
Oh.
Um Hey! This guy makes the best macaroni in Chicago.
Come on.
Wow.
I'm gonna hit the bathroom.
Excuse me.
Barkeep? That's really good.
What is it? Barkeep? Oh, that's me.
Another shot of whisky would be a delight.
Much like yourself.
Okay, I think you've had enough shots for the night.
And do you always hit on girls by talking like Frasier? Do you always cut off guys because you know they can out-drink you? All right, pal.
You and me.
Drinking contest.
Right friggin' now.
Hey.
I feel like I haven't seen you in a while.
I know.
It sucks.
- I've been totally swamped at work.
- Oh, totally.
Yeah, I've been swamped, too.
Between, you know, and, uh, just, you know.
But, uh, just swamped, you know? Um, but, you know, we'll figure it out.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
Actually, I've been feeling a little off lately - You ready to go, Sara? - Yeah.
Um, talk soon.
All right.
Please drive faster, and end this.
Hey, you could have taken the train.
I'm sorry.
I just feel like I'm in a slump right now, you know? Sara's all happy with this really cool guy.
And meanwhile, I have negative-one macaroni trucks, and I'm sitting in my friend's lap like a baby chimp.
Man, that is nothing that a lovely lady you haven't yet slept with yet can't fix.
Well, maybe.
Problem is, I can't pick up a girl to save my life right now.
Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for your phone number.
Failure to comply, will be met with serious consequences.
Oh, my God! Ow! Oh, my God! It hurts! Sometimes, when your jump shot's not falling, you got to just get yourself a layup to get back in the rhythm.
I do like basketball.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You need yourself a slump-buster.
Find you a girl who already thinks you're amazing, and do the deed.
That way, you can get your confidence back up.
Slump-buster.
Hmm.
Well, you know, my dentist's receptionist always flirts with me.
But she's, like, a five, max.
Five is perfect, okay? Six and above she'll have way too much self-respect to fawn over you.
Anything below four could die under your house.
So whoa.
Steady, steady.
Oh Perfect.
Right.
Oh, God.
I can't believe I let you read my poetry.
I loved it.
The one about the broken flower? - You've got a good ear.
- Wow.
This is crazy.
I mean, normally, I would say, "Let's do it on the bar.
" Ah But I actually find myself wanting to go somewhere and talk to you some more.
Well, let's go.
Okay.
Okay.
Changed my mind.
Hey, Sara.
It's me.
All the trains are down, so I am biking to a lunch date.
Just thought I might catch you.
Man, I hope this turns things around, 'cause it's So, uh, so how long have you been with Dr.
Helm? Uh, I've been there since before I I think we should take you to the hospital.
Oh, no.
I feel fine.
Let's enjoy the night.
You know? Enjoy each other.
I'd be down to split some calamari.
It'd be kind of fun.
What do you think? Your forehead's bleeding again.
Oh, no.
I'm good.
Thank you.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go.
But, uh, good luck with your face.
Man.
To one month of being together.
It's not often that you meet someone, and everything just clicks, but Oh.
Hold that thought.
Hello? Yeah.
I just got rejected by a five.
Out of six.
I My life is headed downhill, and I do not know why.
Ben, listen, I really can't talk right now.
But, um, I'll call you back soon.
I promise.
Bye.
Sorry.
You were toasting? Look, Sara I like you a lot.
But if we're gonna move forward with this thing, we need to be totally honest with each other.
Honesty is a great policy.
I'm for it.
What's up? Is there anything I need to know about you and Ben? Ben? Ben Folds? Harper? Bernanke? No.
Your Ben.
No.
My Ben's not my Ben.
My Ben's just Ben.
I mean, we're just friends.
So you guys don't have a history? What? Uh No.
Just Wow.
That was very enthusiastic.
You are amazing.
I didn't know that there were people in the world with as much passion and and fire as you.
Me? Dude, you are open about your feelings.
You drink like a bass player.
You bang like a jungle cat.
I'm just trying to keep up.
Well, the difference is, this doesn't come naturally for me.
I'm living my life to the fullest because, due to certain circumstances, I have to.
Oh, my God.
Please don't tell me I just slept with another reality show contestant.
No, no.
I don't have much time left in this world.
Wait.
Are you saying that you Let's not talk about that right now.
Ow.
Okay.
Ah.
Every time I get something closed, something else opens up.
So listen.
Austin asked me if me and you had history, - and I said no.
- Ooh.
- Am I horrible? - No.
No, no.
You were cornered.
It makes people do crazy things.
God.
I'm an idiot.
Austin probably saw right through me.
I doubt it.
You are a kick-ass liar.
Best in the biz.
You are, like, weirdly supportive, you know that? I just delivered my first breach birth! Nice! Let's get some baby back ribs! After this, let's get some baby back ribs.
I bought new shampoo! I used a coupon! Sick! Call Chili's.
Maybe it doesn't matter that I didn't tell Austin about you and me.
I mean, we never actually dated.
Plus, we're totally done.
Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Good.
Calming down.
- Sara? - Hide! Which key do I use? The shiny one! Wait.
Whoa.
What what are we doing? I just have to say we did not sleep together.
I don't have to physically hide.
You're right.
You're right.
Okay.
Okay.
Stop hiding.
Too late.
Re-hide.
Re-hide.
What's going on here? - It's - Hey, Austin.
Hey.
I'm just, uh came over to grab the wind chime.
Got it.
You needed one wind chime? Yeah, yeah.
Scavenger hunt.
Next on the list: Mike Ditka's mustache.
Yeah.
So I think I'm dating a guy who might be dying.
Can you I don't know, search online for his hospital records or something? Um, it's Daniel Seamus Hershberger.
Daniel Seamus Hershberger? Okay.
Let me give this guy a little deeper scan.
No e-mail address, no driver's license, no bank account.
Wow.
This guy is a ghost.
So, what? He's using a fake name? Maybe he's a scam artist.
I No.
No way.
We shared something real.
Besides, I'm, like, crazy-broke.
Really? No.
You've got, like, 289 bucks in your checking account.
And then that treasury bond your grandmother gave you, that's maturing very nicely.
You know what? Stop it.
That's creepy.
You voted for Blagojevich.
Really? Okay, you know what? Hey, no.
Riley.
Riley! Oh, God! Friend, you are hard to look at right now.
Oh.
Yeah, well, that's because your stupid slump-buster advice got me hit by a car.
The causality there is tenuous.
But I know you needed a pick-me-up, which is why I invited you over.
Why? French tourists.
Their bus broke down, and a debonair American came to the rescue.
Excellente.
Thank you, Rosetta Stone.
- Consider your slump "le busted.
" - Ha, ha! Ladies.
Oh, hey.
Oh my God.
Aaron was right.
You're some scam artist that preys on women.
And now you're bailing because I'm broke and voted for Blagojevich.
I'm not a scam artist.
So you are dying? I'm not dying.
I'm Amish.
Oh What? I'm Amish.
I've finished rumspringa, my phase of youthful rebellion.
Tomorrow I go back to the farm in Wisconsin.
Oh, okay.
Um, well, so when are you coming back? I'm not.
This was it.
What? But I I mean, I thought we I'm so glad I met you, Riley, and in another life this could have been amazing.
Of course he's Amish.
What's going on with my life, unicorn? Unicorn thinks life better with Sara.
Yeah, well, Ben think so, too, but Sara's with Austin now, you know.
I can't mess that up.
I'm a unicorn.
I can't believe I fell for somebody who just vanished.
I mean, first of all, that's my thing, and second of all, I You loved him.
What? Well, then, you know what? You should go after him.
Okay, the night we hooked up, you told me you would rather try something and regret it than never try something.
I said that? Wasted.
Well, it's still true.
Riley You should go.
Thank you.
Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- We need to talk about us.
I miss us.
You know, I don't know what "us" is, but you know what? My life does not work without it.
- Oh, God.
- What? - Um - Was somebody else here? But.
.
so, he doesn't want us to hang out anymore? No.
Isn't that weird? He doesn't want me to hang out with the guy who just kissed me in front of him.
Bonkers, right? I'm sorry, but I I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't, you know, serious about us.
Okay, Ben, tell me about us.
What's the plan for us? Um Do you want to be my boyfriend? Whoa, w w whoa, okay, I I think we should maybe talk about this, you know.
We are talking about this.
Do you want to be my boyfriend steady boyfriend? I don't see why we have to label everything.
Look, you and me I don't know what it is, but it's good.
You're awesome, I'm awesome.
Why can't we just, you know, hang out and see what happens? Ben, how long have you known me? Ten years-ish.
How long have I wanted to fall in love? Your whole life-ish.
I need this.
You know it.
I need someone, I need something.
I'm ready, you're not.
Is it really fair for me to wait till you are? No, no, it's not.
Maybe we need to take some time here.
Oh, yeah.
She stalks me on my MySpace and my Facebook Lookin' at pictures And thinkin' about the way she looks Hatin' on all the other girls in those pictures.
Ooh.
Ah.
Sorry.
Riley, what are you doing here? I've been with a lot of guys, Daniel, a lot but none of them have touched me the way that you have.
Um, I don't know what you mean, Miss.
What are you talking about? You, me, passion, sex, sex on the bar, - sex on the roof - Oh, my gosh.
Sex in my dentist's office.
I totally tanked my rumspringa.
But it's not just about the sex, Daniel.
I love you.
And, um, I have never said that before, so we have to make this work, right? Long distance, split our time half and half Um Daniel, who is this woman? An outsider who has taken a wrong turn, dear Rebecca.
I will only be a moment.
Hold up.
Are you seeing that chick? This is my fiancée.
So you have been home for two days and you're already getting Amish married? I thought we had something.
We do, but it was rumspringa.
I mean, she crushed it with a Cleveland Cavalier on her rumspringa, but that's rumspringa for you.
It's fantasy.
Now we all have to get back to reality, don't we? Yes, yes, let's get back to reality, right? Let let's churn some butter and build a farm and pretend electricity doesn't exist.
I'm sorry, Riley, but I did mean everything I said.
You know, I liked you a lot better when you were dying.
Wow, you are not worried about losing this job.
And you look like you got the crap beaten out of you.
Thank you.
My life is going nowhere, Ri.
You know the worst part? Going nowhere alone.
Hmm.
Yeah, well, I finally put myself out there, and not only is the guy Amish, he's unavailable.
Yeah, well, you didn't know that.
Listen to me.
I couldn't get an Amish guy.
Well You know what, you know what? Screw it.
None of this means anything anyway.
Like that book that they tried to get me to read in high school, but I didn't, and it didn't matter.
I hated that book.
I didn't read it either.
Screw books.
Screw everything.
Hey, where have you been? I'm, I'm still in shock.
I was in the O.
R.
delivering a kid, like, you know, normal, and, all of a sudden, the mother starts hemorrhaging.
Everyone is freaking out, okay, and then, I suddenly managed to stop the bleeding.
- Cool, good for you.
- Yeah.
That's it? I I saved her life.
No, no, that's great.
Good work.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm working on a deadline here.
What do you want me to say? Nice! Sick! You're awesome.
Where are you going? To share some good news with my best friend.
Usually best friends aren't people that you've slept with and still kiss you.
Look, I'm sorry that happened, but I can't just cut Ben out of my life.
Why not, Sara? I mean, come on, let's face it, the guy's kind of a loser.
Don't talk about Ben like that.
Wow, spoken like a protective girlfriend.
You're being obnoxious.
You want obnoxious? Ben's a zero, and if you go and see him, I won't be here when you come back.
Just make sure the door locks when you leave.
It sticks sometimes, and I worry about prowlers.
Ben! I want to be friends again, and as for the rest of it, we'll figure it out.
And guess what.
I saved a life today.
Uh So, Riley sends me a text, turns out that the Amish thing is not working out.
You think there are any black Amish? I mean, if I had a buggy and a hat, would I blend in, or would it be like the time I went to the Jimmy Buffett concert? You think that Riley and I will ever work out? I prefer not to answer that question right now.