Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e12 Episode Script

Oh, if one more person sends me an e-mail with "LFTD" at the bottom, I'm gonna "K" somebody's "A.
" What's "LFTD"? Oh, come on, grandpa.
LFTD "live for the day.
" It's the catchphrase of that rapper J'burnt.
That's a terrible catchphrase.
I could come up with something so much better.
I think you're missing one crucial component of creating a catchphrase.
People have to care what you think.
People care what I think.
In fact, I'm a bit of a trendsetter.
Oh, please.
Give us an example of a trend you "set.
" The front tuck.
Business in the front.
Party in the back.
You do that on purpose? Guys, guys, we've got an announcement.
Go on, you tell them.
No, you tell them.
- No, I think it should come from you.
- No I've lost interest.
We're gonna rescue a puppy.
Aw! Don't you already have a dog? No.
Somebody has a dog.
Oh, no, wait, I was thinking of Andi and Bobby's kid.
c17 Oh.
Wait.
It's a terrible catchphrase.
All right, may-maybe you didn't hear me correctly.
"Chirp that bitch.
" It's ridiculous.
What'd I just do? You locked your car.
Lame! From now on, I'm gonna chirp that bitch.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Bobby, did you deposit that tax refund check? What tax refund check? The check that I left on the table with a post-it on it that said, "please deposit this check.
" Right.
You have no idea what I'm talking about.
No.
You know what? It's probably upstairs on the nightstand with all my other papers.
Or it's at the office.
It's probably at the office.
If not upstairs.
Bobby, this is a big check.
I don't want it disappearing into one of your many piles.
And more importantly, did you get me the double stuf oreos? Right.
Why do I even write post-its? I don't know.
Look who I have.
Oh, my god.
You want to hold him? - Yes, please.
- Aw.
Hi! Okay.
I'll be right back.
I could just eat you up! Run for your life.
All right, let's get the two of us a treat.
Whoa.
What the hell is this? Well, they were gonna kill these little guys.
And I couldn't just leave them there.
And Lowell is okay with this? He will be.
As soon as I find homes for nine of them.
I'll take this guy.
Where will you two be living? Aw, the mean little man won't let me keep you.
Why's he so mean, huh? Why is he so mean? I'm gonna kill him.
You want to take him? Ms.
Pearce? Oh, god.
Deena from accounting.
I have the quarterly financials for you to sign.
Right, okay.
Sign here.
Uh-huh.
And here.
And initial here.
And ini Ini Okay, okay, oh, god.
I'm sorry.
I just need a minute.
Okay, what's wrong? I think my boyfriend Matt is in love with someone else.
And why would you think that? He said he's in love with someone else.
All right, well, then dump him.
Oh, you make it sound so easy.
It is.
All you have to say is, "get out, go away, hit the road, don't come back.
" Oh, thank you.
That's really helpful.
Yeah, okay, bye-bye.
I looked everywhere.
That check is not at the office.
Yeah, well, it's not here either.
So, what am I gonna do? The good news is, on the drive home from the office, I thought of a better catchphrase.
Extra crispy.
It means cool.
Will, I'm having a serious problem here.
Well, maybe you should just relax and be extra crispy about it.
Tell Andi you lost the check and get it reissued.
I can't, it'll be another mark on the marital scorecard.
What's the marital scorecard? Every marriage has a marital scorecard.
You keep track of how many times your spouse messes up.
That way, you have something to rub in their face when you're having a fight.
So the secret to a happy marriage is spite? And TV.
All right, that's him.
Everyone get cute.
Really sell it, okay? Oh, come on, scooter.
You had all day to lick yourself.
Hey babe.
Guess what.
There's so many dogs.
And I love every single one of them.
Hello! Mwah! Hello, what's your name? I got it! The check? God, no, you're never gonna find that.
My new catchphrase.
You ready? Kickin' it friendly.
I actually miss "chirp that bitch.
" You're enjoying some beers with your bros? You're kickin' it friendly.
Ice cream with the gang? Kickin' it friendly.
You're playing your banjo on the front porch? You, my friend, are kickin' it friendly.
I'd make fun of you, but I'm picking through garbage and you live here rent-free.
So who's the idiot? You gonna help me out here or what? Dude, I just got a manicure.
If it were weird, would the word "man" be a part of it? I don't know.
Tell me about menopause.
You'll see "kickin' it friendly" is gonna catch on huge.
No, it's not.
I bet that I can make one of our friends say "kickin' it friendly" by the end of the week.
You're on.
How much? I don't want to take any of your manicure money.
Loser grows a mustache.
Ha! Deal.
Pudding? Sure, why not? I'm sorry, Ms.
Pearce.
I know I shouldn't be in here.
But I feel like you're the only person I can talk to.
It's over with Matt.
Oh Great, so you dumped him? And he got really pissed.
And since he's my landlord, he evicted me.
I have nowhere to live.
Wait, you didn't tell me he was your landlord.
I guess neither one of us thought this through.
Well, isn't there anyone else you can live with? My mother.
But she lives with her boyfriend Trent.
And Trent's mad at me 'cause I wouldn't agree to sell my eggs on craigslist.
Isn't there anyone else you can talk to about this? My sister said I should set fire to him while he's asleep, but that's her solution for everything.
All right, all right.
Look, here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna tell your mom you're moving in with her.
Okay, well, maybe I should practice first.
You be me and I'll be my mother.
Fine.
Um, mom, can I talk to you? Stop hitting on my boyfriend.
I see the way you look at Trent.
And I'm done.
This is so awesome.
Just hanging out.
Cracking some cold ones, you know.
Kickin' it friendly.
If you have time to drink a beer, you have time to look for a house.
So, after visiting three government web sites, each of which crashed six times, and filling out seven online forms, the I.
R.
S.
is gonna send us a new check.
Go ahead, say it.
You're mad.
I'm not mad, I'm just I'm just disappointed.
There it is.
Bobby, it's just, it's so simple to be organized.
I mean, look at me.
Look, I have my folder of things that I've done.
And my folder of things that need to be done.
And that way, I know where everything is.
Do you have to use the potty? A little.
I was, I was talking to Charlie.
Well, sometimes it's hard to tell.
Come on, Charlie.
I'll take him.
Here we go.
- You want to put that on? - Yeah.
All right.
Well, that's unfortunate.
So you had the check all along? Yup.
Oh, this is gonna be a huge mark against me on the marital scorecard.
You can win at marriage? Gosh, that makes monogamy seem almost worth it.
Bobby is never gonna let me hear the end of this.
Although Yes? A new check is being issued.
So Andi! That was so wrong.
So manipulative.
So me.
Ooh.
Another text.
This woman has become the bane of my existence.
I thought you told her to move in with her mother.
I did, but then the mother's boyfriend moved out.
And then the boyfriend stole the mother's car, so she couldn't get to work, so she lost her job at iHop.
And it goes on! I mean, this girl is like a whac-a-mole of problems.
It's like putting your finger in a dike.
Did that once in college.
Wasn't my thing.
Well, I'm surprised you haven't just fired her.
Can't.
Her scoliosis is technically a "disability.
" Well, I guess you're just stuck with her.
Yeah.
Unless I can pawn her off on someone with more compassion than common sense.
Does human diarrhea medicine work on dogs? Please say yes.
And voilà.
You want to pay us to hang out with the accountant from your office? She has a name.
Look, the point is, I will pay you a generous hourly wage to comfort her.
Think of it as babysitting.
For the world's biggest, craziest baby.
Kate, we can't take money to help a person in need.
He is right.
Pick a dog.
What? Come on, you have a need, we have a need.
I'll trade you a dog for an accountant.
Is this animal trafficking or human trafficking? Well, it does seem like a big responsibility.
But a dog can't talk and I can pay someone to pick up after it.
I'll take that one.
Oh, that You don't want her.
She's kind of mean.
Mean? I like it.
Come here, you little bitch.
Okay Okay, you guys! Only five to go.
Just found a home for the retriever.
Aw, damn it.
I just started to make a real connection with Gerry.
If you like, Jules, we could all be hanging out, brainstorming ways to place these dogs.
You know, just kickin' it friendly.
Can you believe that I was worried Lowell was gonna be angry about the dogs? I mean, who would've thought he'd get sad every time one goes? Kickin' it friendly.
It's just coming off like tourette's now.
Guys, I want you to meet Deena.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi, Deena.
Deena You're going to go with Jules and Lowell now.
They're great, you're gonna love them.
Oh.
Well, you haven't steered me wrong yet and I know I need to meet more people so I can - Have a seat.
- What's going on, Deena? Feel like kickin' it friendly? What is wrong with you? Oh, the check thing is killing me.
I mean, maybe I should tell him.
I don't know.
What do you think? Ugh, do you hear what I have to deal with? Who are you talking to? Dog.
Oh, right.
Have you decided on a name? Yeah.
Dog.
So, about the check All right, gotta go, dog needs me.
I'm sorry to throw you under the bus, but there's only so much drama about a check I can pretend to care about.
Just look at me once.
I love that you don't.
Bobby I have to tell you something.
What is all this? Storage bins.
Losing that check was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
I'm gonna organize everything.
The closet, the nightstand, the garage.
What'd you have to tell me? That if you're gonna organize the garage, you gotta get bigger containers.
It's like looking into a mirror.
Good evening, Ms.
Pearce.
I just wanted to tell you there are smiley-face cupcakes in the break room.
They're an accurate representation of how I feel.
This is quite a change.
I know! I've never been happier.
Wow, yes What? Oh, just something Lowell said.
Anyway, have a super night! I know.
It's a beautiful, full-bodied cabernet.
Hey, Bob, look at this.
We got a nanny cam so that we can check on the dogs.
Oh, man, do they ever stop licking themselves? Hmm You would if you could.
Hey, guys.
This is just sad.
That's a, uh That's a unique shirt.
Yeah.
Was it free? No.
No, I bought this because everybody's saying this now.
Oh.
I haven't heard anyone say that.
Yeah.
Me either.
I do like the sentiment, though.
Right? Who wouldn't? Yeah.
It's kind of like "hangin' out big-time.
" Oh, my god, Lowell, - did you just make that up? - Yeah.
That's really good.
It's like a catchphrase or something.
Is it? Yeah! Ooh, interesting.
Uh, Kate, you can't have a dog in here.
Dog's not a dog.
Dog is an upscale life companion.
I'll have a chardonnay and dog will take a zinfandel.
Hey What did you say to miserable Deena to make her so happy? Oh, we just gave her some tips on how to learn to live in the moment.
Yeah.
You know, just "be in the possible," "accept yourself," and that there's magic in the everyday.
So you got here a subscription to O magazine and she's miraculously healed? Hey, don't get all worked up.
We're all just sitting here kickin' it friendly.
You didn't fix anything.
You just put a band-aid on a gaping wound.
I mean, Deena's still loveless, penniless, homeless, and her boss is a total bitch.
You're right! You're right, my life sucks! Kate what do I do? Have you tried kickin' it friendly? Nothing matters anymore! Nothing! Kate, you have to go after her.
Oh, but our wine just arrived.
Fine.
Deena It's all gonna be Whatever, I don't know You'll feel fine, whatever Hi, Deena.
Let me guess.
Bad day? My sister set a small fire and it turned into a big fire and now she's in jail! Sounds about right.
- Oh, what a cutie.
- Oh She may look cute, but she's actually vicious and doesn't really like to be touched.
Oh, she looks really cuddly.
Oh, no, I-I wouldn't.
No, no, oh, no, don't Oh Oh, look who's so cute! I love her so much! This is the sweetest dog ever! Apparently.
Dog, you have proven to be friendly, sensitive and loving.
You are dead to me.
You know, you two deserve each other.
Take her and go.
Really? Are you sure? She's all yours.
Hey, wait! That collar was expensive.
What's this? It's a mustache comb.
Get to know it 'cause pretty soon you're gonna be kickin' it hairy.
It's not over till it's over.
Hey, guys? Can you read this aloud, please? "Lickin' it triendly"? That's a "K" and that's an "F.
" Read it yourself and leave us alone.
We're hangin' out big-time.
You can't even cheat well.
Behold.
Organization.
Losing that check was the best thing that ever happened to us.
You know, I probably could've done it with one less container, but in the end, I thought it'd be best to keep cheerios and honey nut cheerios separate.
I am actually turned on right now.
And I got a new bin for recycling.
Will, don't put your fruit with my recyclables.
Not cool.
Hmm.
What's this? This looks a lot like the The check that we've been looking for.
Oh, my god! I'm going into labor.
Well, cork it up.
I didn't lose the check; You lost it.
And then you tried to destroy the evidence.
You know what this means, don't you? I get a mark on the marital scorecard? A crime and a cover-up? This goes in your permanent file.
And I am done with the sorting and the cleaning and the organizing.
If you need me, I'll just be sitting right here.
Kickin' it friendly.
Yes! Son of a bitch.
All right, everyone know what they want? Yeah, I'll have the usual.
Veggie burger.
And I will have a bowl of zinfandel.
God, I miss that little bitch.
Bobby, what are you having? Nothing.
Everything I eat tastes like hair.
C17