Funny or Die Presents... (2009) s01e12 Episode Script

A man in a ski mask is coming out of the bank.
I'm free! What is a sound? And I'm not talking about the sound of Hosana's voice.
You just declared war! I wanna say thank you for not killing me.
And thank you for not making me suck your dicks.
- Yeah.
- You're welcome.
Computers and televisions.
There was a time when you could tell the difference between the two.
Just like on Santa Monica Boulevard you used to be able to tell the difference between a woman and a man.
Before the confusion started, Not some surprise cocktail sausage leaping out at you like an angry cobra.
Scarier still, media experts speculate that in the very near future computers will take over television completely.
From there, some believe, and I am one of them that this will lead to a world where humans are forced into hiding.
Locked in a death struggle against a race of super computers known simply as The Klarn.
Others Let's call them retards.
- believe TV will be around for a long time.
We here at Funny or Die are hedging our bets.
Traditionally an Internet-based company, we've decided to make some television.
It's basically the same kind of shit we show on our website but we're showing it here on TV, just in case television wins and computers lose.
Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network: from creator Rob Huebel the final installment of "Holdup.
" "Playground Politics.
" And from Tim and Eric, "Morning Prayer with Skott & Behr.
" Previously on Holdup: Man, I love this new shirt.
It's so white.
You shot me.
They have taken several hostages.
Assholes, you picked the wrong guys to fuck with.
Oh, no! You're escaping without me! Where the fuck is he trying to go? Stupid! Those guys are badass! - What do you need for this to stop? - We want that yummy-ass homemade food.
What else? We want "Weird Al" Yankovic to come down here and sing a hilarious song for us.
How the hell am I supposed to get Weird Al? You got two hours before everybody dies, motherfucker! People of the community, thank you for making this food for us.
Son of a bitch.
I'm gonna shoot him.
I made that food.
Hey, guys, I just wanna take this opportunity to say as a hostage you're doing a great job of robbing the bank.
You got everybody really terrified.
- That's nice of you to say.
- I wanna say thank you for not killing me.
And thank you for not making me suck your dicks.
We still might do that, but you're welcome.
I feel like we're bonding here.
Here, let me help you.
These lunches is delicious.
These sandwiches ain't no motherfucking joke.
Try one of these cookies.
These little M&M's is to die for.
What? What? Hey, this guy is choking! Somebody help him! - Somebody help him! - Richard, give me your pen.
- Fuck you, it's an $800 pen.
- This man is dying! Here, use my pocket knife.
- No, I prefer a pen.
- Here's one.
- Take his pants off.
- Don't take his pants off.
Oh, yes.
I got a hole.
Give me straw.
Give me a fucking straw, man! Come on, man.
Help my friend, man.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Darnell.
Are you okay? Good save, man.
That guy was in bad shape.
Look here, dog.
You saved my life.
It's only fair that you get to go.
What'd he said? He said, "Look here, dog, you saved my life.
It's only fair you get to go.
" There's other people here that deserve to go more.
Like that guy.
Look how much he's bleeding.
Oh, l Whatever you guys think.
Okay, then Maxine.
You gotta get to a hospital.
No, I'm good.
Then there's only one fair way to do this.
Son of a whore.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you both.
Smell you later.
- Suckers! Shit, is the news here? - Yeah, man.
I look like shit.
Oh, man.
Give me your thing.
Okay.
Hello, hello! A man in a ski mask is coming out of the bank.
I'm free! Oh, shit.
It's the manager! Shit.
I did not see that coming.
- What, motherfucker? - Calm down, calm down.
I got "Weird Al" Yankovic here, he wants to sing a parody song for you.
Shit! They got Weird Al out there! - You see that? - It's Weird Al, man.
- Jeez! - What the fuck you do? I'm sorry! I was just tapping the beat with my fucking trigger finger and I shot Weird Al! - You shot fucking Weird Al! I wasn't trying to shoot him! I love his music, man! - Why the fuck would you shoot him? - "Weird Al" Yankovic has just been shot.
You killed motherfucking "Weird Al" Yankovic! You listen to him, or maybe you dance! You just declared war! You just declared war! I'm going in.
I'm going in! Oh, shit! They're coming in! Here we go.
I'll protect you.
- No, I'll protect you.
- Okay.
It's okay.
Okay.
Thanks, guys.
I'm just fine.
Have a good day.
Okay, whoever's not dead, let's count off.
One - Oh, I'm one.
- Two.
Playground Politics! Middle East! - America! Help! - Israel, stop.
Gaza, what did you do to make them hit you? Why is it always our fault? Because Israel wouldn't have hit you for no reason.
Fine.
We threw a rock at them.
- Israel, did it hit you? - No, but it could have.
Good point.
Go ahead and slap him.
Gaza, why are you throwing rocks at them? You know Israel overreacts to stuff.
How are we overreacting? All of these guys want to throw rocks at us.
Those are rocks in their hands right now.
I'm gonna drive you into the sea, Israel.
What should we do, America? Try this.
Israel, you gotta stop thinking everyone's out to get you.
And everybody, you gotta stop being out to get Israel.
Live from Tallahassee, Florida, it's Morning Prayer with Skott & Behr.
Starring Skott.
And Behr.
With Tony Sacrimoni and the Good Morning Players.
Here you go.
He's done.
Chase.
Chase, come on.
Get his legs.
Get down.
Come on! Get him up! Skott & Behr is brought to you by the Hosana Prayer Kit.
Hi, I'm Sunshine, with the Hosana Prayer Kit.
This is essential for great prayers.
Measure the length of your prayers with the prayer timer.
Also includes a self-lighting candle to make sure you say all your Hosanas.
Thank you for self-lighting candle, Hosana.
Mama.
Pray holier! With the Hosana Prayer Kit.
Me is the candle man.
- Hosana to you, Skott.
- Hosana back to you, Behr.
Wow, Skott, we have a wonderful group of guests.
- All blessed be, Hosana.
- Hosana.
But you know what I wanna do before we get started? Star charts.
All right, let's take a look at our coming cycles and see what we have in store.
If we could Chase, open up the star cycle and get ourselves a look.
Take a look at the star cycle.
- Oh, here we go.
- Here we go.
You know what? We have some wonderful news in the star charts today.
It looks like we have three Rang Dipkins and they're coming in and forming a perfect storm right around our celestial Hosana.
- All praise Rang.
- Rang! Praise Rang.
Rang Dipkin.
All praise Rang Dipkin.
Oh, Rang Dipkin.
Hosana.
Now Hosana blessed Rang Dipkin.
Thank you for that interesting news.
Before we get the show started though, I do have a little bit of a bone to pick with you.
What's that, Skott? Well, apparently you've been acting like a literal bear over this week Over this weekend.
If you don't mind.
Bear with me here.
This is a video tape, taken this weekend of you making love to a woman.
Who, is not your wife, by the way.
- And - That's No, you don't.
No, no, this is mine.
Finders, keepers.
Skott, listen, if you show that tape, and Donna and the boys see that my life's over.
- I'd hate to show that.
I honestly would hate to show it, because you are a friend, and I don't wanna I don't wanna break that bond that we have because we are good friends.
Yeah.
Praise Hosana and praise Rang.
Thank you.
Tomorrow on Morning Prayers: "Spirit dancing with Shark.
" Rang! Our first guest today is a man named Brown Eggz.
Well, let's bring him out and see what he has to say.
- Thanks so much.
- Hey.
Shake.
Thanks so much, Brown.
Chase tells us that you have a new cartoon you're gonna be showing us today.
Yeah, what is this business about cartoons? It's The Animated Adventures of Forrest Gump.
I love the sound of this already.
Yeah, I really loved Tom's work in Forrest Gump.
And I also love him in Rain Man, and Top Gun.
No, no.
No, honey, you're getting a little confused.
We're actually talking about Tom Hanks.
Not Tom Cruise.
Oh, my goodness! I thought you were talking about Tom Cruise.
No, Tom Hanks starred in Forrest Gump the movie.
Oh, boy.
I feel like I got egg on my face, no offense.
None taken.
Actually, I'm actually talking about Tom Arnold.
So Tom Hanks isn't in this Forrest Gump? - No, not in the - This is not He was in Forrest Gump.
He's not in this Forrest Gump.
Okay, so I'm a little confused.
He's in a live action version of Forrest Gump.
Who's Tom Arnold? I'm Oh, he's the star of Forrest Gump.
The Animated Adventures of Forrest Gump.
Tom Cruise has nothing to do with this equation.
- I get that, I got that.
- So he got more of a sub-par actor named Tom Arnold to do this voice.
Do you get it? - Praise Hosana.
- Praise Hosana.
Brown, do you have a clip that you can? Sure.
Yes.
Well, this is a clip of - Of Forrest in the - Show the clip.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna talk We do this every day, Brown.
At this stage you show the clip.
- Scene in which Forrest is in the - Show the clip! times of caveman.
It's fun.
I think you'll enjoy it.
Where'd the time machine take me this time? Cool, a caveman! Do you want a chocolate from my box of chocolates? Wow, you could make a real fast car with wheels like that.
But I also like shrimp.
Yeah, the problem, Brown, is that the teachings of Rang we're taught there are no cavemen.
- lf you wanna go ahead and adjust that in your cartoon we'd be happy to show it again.
You know, there's always one brown egg in the basket of beautiful white eggs.
On my pap's farm, if we saw one brown egg in the basket of whites we'd take that brown egg and throw it down and destroy it.
- It's a bad egg.
- You're a bad egg, Brown.
Let's pray.
It's been a challenging year for me.
Because my wife gained an enormous amount of weight.
And I thought that I could come in here and I could learn the ways of your religion.
And I could be better.
And I could be just a good person.
And for once in my life be accepted.
Hosana, I'm not a good person.
But I want your forgiveness, and I want you to enter my life.
And enter my spirit.
And fill my heart with your blessings.
And I'm saying sorry to you.
They wanna smash the brown egg too.
Hosana.
Thank you, Rang.
We'll be right back.
Coming up soon, Behr's shocking video.
Stay tuned.
And now, here's Sunshine to tell us more about the Hosana Prayer Kit.
We also include the prayer bowl to cut your hair for Hosana prayer ceremonies.
The bowl can be used to shape your cut and also to contain your hair clippings to burn.
Order today and get a free can of Pr'Air prayer freshener.
Just spray the holy prayer mist into your eyes after praying for a completely blessed experience.
Pr'Air is perfect for Feast of Rang.
Remember to keep your eyes open to let Hosana inside.
The deluxe Hosana Prayer Kit.
Offer up your bangs for the Feast of Rang.
Well, welcome back.
Praise Hosana.
Right now we have a very exciting vocalist.
He's our friend Tommy Lynn Shay.
- Hosana.
- Tommy, good to see you again.
I heard you have a song about your pup-pup today.
Yes.
He's no longer alive.
- Well, praise Hosana for that.
- I'm sure he's in a better place.
- Yeah.
- What's your pup-pup's name? My dog's name was Tiptoe.
It would have been neat if you had named him Rang.
Well, why don't we hear your song, Tommy? Anytime you're ready.
- Well, thank you, Tommy.
- Wonderful song, Tommy.
Would you mind if we talk to Tiptoe? - Yes.
- Chase? - Chase, can we see the? - Bring that pup-pup out there.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, Hosana.
Quite a smell he has still, Tommy.
Never been a fan of dogs because I was once bit in the leg by a dog when my legs worked.
So, Tiptoe, how does it feel to have a song sung about you? I'll tell you what, though.
Tiptoe could take a bite out of my legs right now wouldn't feel a thing, because these boys are done.
Praise Rang.
Well, thank you Tiptoe for Oh, fuck.
He's going down.
Hold on.
Chase! - Get him up, Chase.
- Watch the balls! I'm doing all the work here, Chase! Damn it! Get up.
There we go.
Yeah he's on my The fucking dog's on my face! - Hosana.
- Get the fuck off me! - Tommy! - Hosana.
Get this dog out of here! Hosana.
Hosana.
Get the fucking dog out of here, Chase.
Hosana.
Hosana.
Hosana.
Hosana.
Hosana.
Hosana.
Hosana.
Hosana.
Thank you so much for tuning in with Morning Prayer With Skott & Behr.
Hosana praise to you, Rang, in the highest.
Stay tuned to see if Skott will show Behr's shocking video.
- You stop.
- It is true.
Censor yourself for once.
That's all we have for today.
Thank you Hold on, time out.
There's one more thing.
We gotta get to the tape.
Gotta roll this tape, this very damaging - No, please.
- Hey, come on.
No, you're not gonna wanna miss a second of this tape of our friend Behr here apparently making love to a woman.
And I can't even say for sure if it is a woman.
It looks as if it might even be a man dressed up as a woman.
- Chase, come here.
Take this.
- Chase It's all cued up.
Just load her in the Betamax.
- No, Donna.
Turn off - Chase! You gotta do this one thing for me, and I won't press play.
What's that? I need you to fix my legs.
Skott, Hosana knows I'd do anything for you, buddy.
- But l - Roll the tape! Skott, I can't fix I don't have the power to fix your legs.
No, no, stop.
Okay, I'll fix your legs.
Okay, Chase, stop it.
Okay! - Cut the tape.
- Okay! I'll fix your legs.
- I'll fix these.
- Let's see.
Get him on the table.
Careful.
No.
No.
No.
Chase! Howdy, I'm Cowboy the salesman formerly known as Ed Haligan.
True to our motto here at Funny or Die, we let you the viewer decide.
It's either funny or die.
Over these last 10 weeks, it's become painfully obvious to everyone most of all me, that we died.
We died big time.
And so I must die.
Don't do it, Ed! You have so much to live for! Oh, yeah, do I? What? What? I've already cashed out my 401 (k) seven times over to fund the endless nights of crawling into a bottle of Day Timer brand Businessman's Scotch slipping into a pair of faux cashmere pajamas, longing for something, anything.
A sense of adventure, a trip on the high seas to Cleveland.
Anything but the last 90 days of drudgery selling this crap to you morons.
Every night succumbing to a dizzying morass of men's magazines like: Jiggling Flank and Soaked Kitty, worn and frayed from over-handling.
Waking up every morning in a pool of my own juices.
A mixture of sales-jizz, Day Timer Scotch, vomit, and an unidentified foam.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just can't do it no more!