Ghosts (2021) s01e12 Episode Script

1 Wow.
I can't believe you sleep in a bed every night.
Ooh, a girl could really get used to this pillow business.
Yep, I could've used one.
[GROANS.]
God, hey, would you mind rubbing this knot in my shoulder, Nancy? Hey, hey, hey.
You know the rules.
This is a fake relationship, so I am not rubbing any of your man parts.
I mean, technically, everyone has shoulders.
Ooh, now how about we head downstairs and get that living butler to make us something to smell for breakfast? You mean Sam? She's actually a writer and a small business owner, she's not our butler.
Oh, okay, okay.
Too good to be a butler.
You know, when I was alive, women couldn't even be a butler.
You could be a wench, a midwife or a whore.
Oh, well, that's not something I feel particularly compelled to follow up on.
[PHONE CHIMES, BUZZES.]
Oh, that's Bela.
She'll be here in an hour.
And now you'll probably explain to a room full of ghosts who Bela is.
I mean, was curious, yes.
Bela's Jay's sister.
She lives in Boston, she's coming to visit.
- Oh.
- Oh, must be nice.
All my sisters died before the age of two.
Damn, Isaac, we ain't even smelled our morning coffee yet.
SAMANTHA: Bela's boyfriend broke up with her last week, so she's coming to stay to clear her head.
How is she doing now, Jay? I talked to her a few days ago, and she's still really down.
- Oh, that's great.
- Excuse me? No, I mean, it's awful.
It's just, you know, I excel in helping girlfriends get over breakups.
I hope she really likes the Legally Blonde franchise, 'cause that is gonna be a big part of her next 48 hours.
Okay, let's just try not to act too excited.
Sorry, sorry.
It's just, I thought this could be a chance for she and I to finally bond.
Look, I don't have siblings, so when you and I got married, I thought Bela and I could become sisters, but that hasn't happened.
ISAAC: Excuse me, but in what room will this Bela be sleeping? Oh, right.
Well, I guess one of you guys will have to give up your room for the weekend.
[GHOSTS DISSENTING.]
- Sorry.
- THORFINN: Okay.
I have plan.
Thor, we can't kill Bela.
[LAUGHS.]
It's not what I was going to say, but, uh, give Thor a moment to think of what I was going to say.
[SIGHS.]
Not kill.
ISAAC: Troops, Samantha has informed us that one of us will be required to forfeit our rooms.
Can't the sister just take the empty bedroom? HETTY: We offered that, but Samantha is aware of the mold and the draft.
You got to sell the view.
When I was pushing penny stocks, you think I emphasized the risk? No, you shine that turd.
I call not it.
Is unbreakable oath.
Oh, please, that is how children make decisions.
But also, not it.
Trevor is the most recently dead, let him take it.
Ooh, that's how we divvied things up in the first place.
This time we do it in reserve order of seniority.
Thor not like this.
This is bad outcome for Thor.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
The sanctity of my room will not be Hey! Hey! Guys! I can't stand to watch you fight.
- I will take the room.
- Oh.
- You sure, Pete? - Yeah.
You know, a little mold never hurt anybody.
[LAUGHS.]
It'll be like camping.
Then it's settled.
Thank you, Pete, for your sacrifice, and for your sake, I hope that the rain holds out so you don't have to deal with that pesky leak.
Uh? Oh, sorry, the-the there's a leak in there now? Be even more like camping.
- [LAUGHS.]
True.
- Nature.
Nature.
Yay! [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Okay, that must be her.
Let the girl bonding begin.
LL Uncool Jay.
'Cause that never gets old.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey.
- SAMANTHA: Hey.
- Hey, Sam.
Hi.
Oh, I don't need a nickname, but Manhattan Sam Chowder could be something if you're looking for one.
What? You mean New England? Manhattan is a soup, as well.
It's also where I lived, so it's tomato-based.
[THORFINN CHUCKLES.]
This is painful.
Yeah, I can't watch this.
Oh, this place is epic.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
It is so good to see you guys.
JAY: It's good to see you, too.
I wish it could have been under better circumstances.
Oh, but don't worry.
I have the perfect night planned to help you get over that jerk.
Oh, guys, it's cool.
I'm so over him.
What's that? - I met someone new.
- Already? - Wow.
- So you don't need, like, any cheering up at all, huh? - [LAUGHS.]
That's great.
- There goes that plan.
BELA: Yeah, I set my dating profile to the Hudson Valley a couple days ago, 'cause I knew I was gonna be up here, and then boom, I matched with this insanely hot guy.
We've been messaging, and we're really vibing.
[GASPS.]
Do you want to see him? Yeah, sure.
Oh, dang.
I got to stop leaving my house on 17%.
Well, I'm gonna drop my bags and grab a charge.
I'll show you the way.
Sorry Jay's sister's not devastated, Sam.
Yes, we are here for you.
Thanks, guys.
So, you just gave away our pillow palace to some rando's sister? It's not some rando.
It's Jay.
Who the hell's Jay? - Sam's husband? - Huh? The living butler's husband? Oh, face it, Pete.
You're a pushover.
Because I gave in on one little thing in the interest of house harmony? You didn't give in on one thing.
You give in on everything.
You told me yourself you never get to pick the movie on movie night.
- Well, that's true.
- And you're always the caboose in the massage train.
- I mean, someone's got to be.
- Why can't it be a circle, huh? That way, everyone gets their man parts rubbed.
Again, shoulders are not specific to men.
You start standing up for yourself and get our room back, or I will tell everyone our relationship is fake and that you have a huge crush on Alberta.
You know, there's a certain irony to you strong-arming me into being less of a pushover.
That did not escape me, Pete.
[CHUCKLES.]
[COUGHS.]
Housekeeping.
- [SAMANTHA CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES, GASPS SOFTLY.]
And we are charged.
- Do you want to see the guy? - SAMANTHA: Oh.
- Yes, please.
- Okay, now, he's not my normal type.
He comes off as this, like, douchey finance bro.
And he is a little, but he's also, like, really sensitive.
Damn, Bela! - Get it, girl.
This dude is hot.
- Right? Oh, my God.
He's really something.
I can explain.
Look, I don't see what's wrong.
I mean, that guy seems great.
Not to mention, so dreamy.
- Wow.
That's so kind.
- No.
I don't want another word out of you unless it's explaining why my sister-in-law was chatting to a guy with your profile picture.
- Whose picture? - SAMANTHA: The guy in the photo, - it was Trevor.
- JAY: Trevor? No pants? The one who keeps hitting on you? How come you never told me about those cheekbones? - TREVOR: Okay, starting to warm up to this guy.
- You.
Just out with it.
What the hell is going on? - I may have made myself a dating profile.
- What? - How? - Well, it all started a few months back.
I was minding my own business, hoping I might get lucky and see a painter fall off his ladder.
When you've been dead 20 years, it's the little things that really keep you going.
- Please get to the point.
- Right.
Anyway, he took a break, and nothing prepared me for what I saw next.
So many women.
[CHUCKLES.]
: So many varieties.
Short women.
Tall women.
Platinum blondes.
- Dirty blondes.
Strawberry blondes.
- SAMANTHA: This is painful.
TREVOR: The humble craftsman had shown me a brave new world, and I knew right away that I wanted in.
So, for the next month, I studied.
I learned how to download apps.
I asked all the right questions.
Oh, what a cute little stinker.
How exactly did you save that? - In detail.
- Oh, it's easy.
You just press down, and the menu pops up, and Interesting.
And eventually I was ready to put my plan into action.
[CHUCKLES.]
SAMANTHA: He used the kitchen iPad.
I knew we needed a better password than 1234.
You're right.
I should have anticipated - a ghost catfishing my sister.
- Wait, how did you get a picture of yourself? TREVOR: It took weeks of sneaking down night after night, working letter by letter.
[GRUNTS.]
Sam, I was like Andy Dufresne chiseling through to a new life with a little rock hammer.
[GRUNTS.]
Andy Dufresne? Who's that? - Seriously? Shawshank.
- Shawshank.
Come on, babe.
TREVOR: Finally, after all that toiling [PANTING.]
it was done.
The perfect profile.
[GRUNTS.]
And then, one fateful night, I started getting matches.
[GRUNTS.]
And then two days ago, I matched with Jay's sister.
And then a couple days ago, he matched with Bela.
- They feel pain when we pass through them, right? - Jay.
- Is he seri [GRUNTS.]
- Come here! Oh! [GRUNTS.]
Where are you? Ooh.
Aah! - Oh! - Did I get him? Yeah, really good.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- I'm sorry.
The only thing that hurts more than knowing that I died before finding true love is knowing that I died before I could crush it on these apps.
What was your endgame, Trevor? I just wanted the validation, I guess.
But then Bela showed up at the house, and I realized those are real people on those apps.
Or maybe they're other super motivated ghosts like me, but that seems less likely.
Do you have any idea what you've done? I'm sorry.
It's really lonely being a ghost.
I miss having that connection with someone new, that hope that she might be the one.
I'm never gonna get that again.
Aw.
No! I'm still mad.
Ooh, Sam, this is really, really bad.
Bela was so upset when Gabe broke up with her.
Her emoji use was unhinged.
If she finds out she was catfished now - Well, you wanted a reason to cheer her up.
- SAMANTHA: No.
I actually wanted to help her through a normal but difficult situation.
I didn't want her destroyed by some dead frat bro.
JAY: Oh, we are going to have to play this very delicately.
I got it.
Trevor has to "move.
" Yes.
To somewhere far away and unappealing.
Because she's my sister.
I love her.
But she's very thirsty, and she could follow him.
I mean, I saw that jawline.
It's like granite.
Love this guy.
PETE: Howdy, folks.
- This will just take a minute.
- HETTY: Wh what is this? Isaac and I were in the middle of a riveting debate on scarves.
You got this, Pete.
Just like we practiced.
[EXHALES.]
Listen up, ghosts.
I have spent the last 40 years bending over backwards to compromise for the sake of house harmony, but I'm here to tell you I'm done.
I've had it up to my arrow with all of your applesauce.
It's time for Pete to finally get what he wants.
NANCY: And he wants a mold-free room, so one of you is making way for Pete and his girl.
If that's amenable to everyone.
Or even if it's not.
- NANCY: Yeah.
- PETE: Also, I will no longer be the caboose on the massage train.
I lead it now.
I'm the engine.
NANCY: [LAUGHS.]
You hear that? Let's go.
All right.
Well, the moment we all feared has arrived.
- Pete's developed a spine.
- HETTY: This is an unfortunate turn of events.
What are y'all talking about? Pete's finally sticking up for himself, and you think that's a bad thing? Need I remind you what it was like before that saint of a man was felled by a little girl's arrow? No one compromised on anything around here.
Isaac is right.
Pete's spinelessness is the grease that keeps the wheels of our little world turning.
We had people like Pete in Viking society.
We sacrificed them, then gave their blood to please our gods and prevent famine.
They were respected.
Dead but respected.
ALBERTA: Well, I like this new Pete.
He's got gumption.
And maybe the answer isn't him going back to the way he was.
Maybe the answer is all of us actually learning to compromise for once.
- There's got to be a better way.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's not happening.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
SAMANTHA: Hey, Bela, what's wrong? Turns out Trevor's a lying piece of trash.
He told me he's moving to Newfoundland, which sounds made-up.
I told you, we should have gone with Mykonos.
- It could be real.
- Mm, yeah.
He could've moved there.
Although, obviously, it's too far and cold to visit or follow someone to.
Mm, something's off.
I'm looking this asshat up.
See if he's even who he says he is.
You don't know his last name.
How could you even do that? Oh, I just do a reverse image search - with his profile photo.
- JAY: Oh.
That's so cool that you can do that.
BELA: This picture's from an obituary, and the guy died 20 years ago.
- It's the only picture of me on the Internet.
- BELA: Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means? I got catfished.
- No.
- What? This is messed-up.
He is not getting away with this.
"Hey, doucher, I know you're not real.
- And BT dubs, catfishing is so ten years ago.
" - [MESSAGE SENDS.]
- [IPAD CHIMES.]
- "Who are you?" - "Some thousand-year-old virgin?" - [MESSAGE SENDS.]
[IPAD CHIMES.]
- Bela, wait.
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
- [MESSAGE SENDS.]
- [IPAD CHIMES.]
Why does that sound keep coming from your iPad? Great question.
Why don't you hand it over, and I'll take it to the Genius Bar.
Unlock the iPad, Jay.
- I would, but I I forgot the passcode.
- Well, luckily, it's been the same since junior high.
1234.
[EXHALES.]
You're Trevor? Okay, I am freaking out right now.
Bela, it's not what it looks like.
We just invited you up to the house because we wanted to cheer you up.
You thought creating Trevor would cheer me up? - Ew.
No.
- Oh, no.
You didn't think I could find a real man again, so you created a fake one to flirt with me - and compliment my smile.
- I really meant that.
BELA: And you made up a guy that is exactly everything I'm looking for.
Someone who loves clubbing and the Hamptons and jam bands from the late '90s.
We're freaking meant for each other.
That's not what happened.
- Then what did happen? - I don't have a good explanation.
You guys are sick.
I'm packing my bags and leaving.
I mean, we sexted.
Ugh! I didn't know it had a name.
[SHUDDERS.]
That's Hetty, Alberta, oh, and me.
Three against one, Thor, you must give up your room to Pete and the filthy one.
Mm-mm.
Thor not moving.
But we voted.
- Thor not believe in democracy.
- ISAAC: Oh, - how convenient.
- Fine.
I change my vote to Isaac.
- Me, too.
- Weasels! All of you.
They're hurting each other's feelings.
- I have to put a stop to this.
- [OVERLAPPING ARGUING.]
- Oh, here we go.
- THORFINN: Out of my room! Spineless Pete worming his way back to the surface.
Do you want to know why I compromise, Nancy? - Yeah.
- I'm modeling for these people.
Yes, it's been 40 years, and, yes, they're not exactly picking up what I'm laying down, but I believe in them.
They have good in them.
[SIGHS.]
And eventually they're gonna get there.
And until that time, I'm gonna keep setting an example.
That's BS.
You're just scared of someone not liking you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, you wimp.
That is enough! powder off your wig.
I cannot take one more minute of your bullying! You want me to stand up for myself and have a spine? Well, here we go! It is over between us.
I am done listening to you.
So if you have something you want to say to everyone, - you just go ahead and say it.
- Fine! [SIGHS.]
I'm going back down to the basement 'cause I just broke up with my very real boyfriend and, also, 'cause you all suck, and I'd rather be with the cholera pit people.
Huh.
[WHISPERS.]
: Proud of you, Petey.
[EXHALES, SNIFFS.]
Now, you listen up good.
I'm taking the moldy room, and I don't want to hear another word about it.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Does that mean she's single now? JAY: Bela.
I have nothing to say to you two.
No, no, you have to trust that we weren't trying to hurt you.
It doesn't matter what you were trying to do.
You thought I was so pathetic that the best way to help me was to concoct some giant lie.
I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you.
- It was a ghost.
- What? - Babe, are you sure about this? - Look, I know that this is gonna sound crazy, but if it has any chance of salvaging this relationship, I have to come clean.
A few months ago, I fell down the stairs and I went into a coma.
Thank you for the flowers, by the way.
And when I woke up, I could see ghosts.
Trevor died in this house 20 years ago.
And he doesn't wear pants, which may not seem relevant, but it's something I have to know, and now you do, too.
SAMANTHA: Anyhow, somehow, he managed to create a dating profile, and th-the important part of the story is, I see ghosts.
And besides Jay, you're the only person I've ever told.
I know this must be difficult to believe, but I sincerely hope you do.
Honestly, Sam, get help.
JAY: Bela.
Bela, hold up.
Look, I'm not crazy, or-or at least I'm not lying.
And I can prove it.
Thor, lights.
Sam, chair! No, get the lights.
Oh, right, yes.
[GRUNTS.]
What was that? Alberta, hum us a tune.
Oh, finally.
[HUMMING MELODY.]
[HUMMING ECHOING.]
Okay, that's a trick.
Secret switches, speakers.
- Isaac? - Hmm? What? Oh, uh, you know what? - No, I'll pass.
Thank you.
- SAMANTHA: Isaac, please.
Fine.
[ISAAC GRUNTS.]
Oh! That is nasty.
- Okay, it's no picnic for me, either.
- BELA: Okay, what is happening? You just met some of the ghosts.
I can tell you what's in your bag.
Pete.
- PETE: We got a pair of hiking boots.
- SAMANTHA: A pair of hiking boots.
A beanie.
PETE: Three unread back issues - of The New Yorker.
- SAMANTHA: Three unread back issues of The New Yorker.
And I'm just saying this to prove a point a personal massager.
Oh, why you got to tell me that? How many fingers am I holding up? Three.
Holy crap.
You can see ghosts? What is personal massager? BELA: So, ghosts don't eat, but they sleep? And they don't go to the bathroom? Then what about you know? Yeah, surprisingly, that one's a yes.
BELA: Wow.
And, like, could a ghost do it with a human? [GASPS.]
No.
You know what? I'm not there yet.
Please don't tell anyone about this, Bela.
Your secret's safe with me.
Hey, am I really the only one you've told besides Jay? - Yeah.
- BELA: Wow, I can't believe that.
That really means a lot.
Kind of makes me feel really close to you.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- Is that stupid? - No, I don't think that's stupid.
You know, I always kind of wanted a sister.
Instead, all I got was this dork.
She made me wear a dress till I was five.
Did you say "sister"? Yeah, don't be an idiot about it.
- Don't yoube an idiot about it.
- [LAUGHS.]
: Okay.
Jay, I'm doing sister banter.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Nice work, babe.
TREVOR: I'd like to say goodbye to Bela if I could.
I don't think anybody wants to hear from you.
- What? - JAY: Oh, it's a ghost thing.
You'll get used to it pretty fast.
Trevor's here.
He wants a word.
It's okay.
I'm willing to hear him out.
SAMANTHA: Really? Fine.
JAY: Okay, this is gonna be awkward for me, so I'm gonna leave the three of you to it.
Or however many of you there are.
Okay, Trevor, this better be good.
Bela, I'm sorry I lied to you.
"Bela, I'm sorry I lied to you.
" TREVOR: But the connection that we had, that wasn't a lie.
I meant every word that I said.
"I do love your eyes and your smile.
" And your boobs.
- You forgot the boobs.
- SAMANTHA: Nope.
Just keep going.
I talk a big game, but the truth is, I really did want to find someone to spend my life with, and I didn't.
Life is way too short.
I used to think that was a dumb thing that people said, but it's really true.
Go find yourself someone who's as incredible as you.
Because that's what you deserve.
"Because that's what you deserve.
" Thank you, Trevor.
Also, please send nudes.
And we're done.