Gossip Girl (2021) s01e12 Episode Script

1
What is wrong with you?
Bitch!
Can you fucking believe it?
She's the one who told Gossip Girl.
She's a bitch!
You told Gossip Girl I gave you crabs?
You told her I told Brown you're Latinx?
You were with Jared this entire time?
You made out with each
other to get followers?
- And it worked.
- Prude.
You slept with the help?
Your Birkin is a knockoff!
Oh, no. Blue is for sending in a tip.
I didn't send that one. Let me see?
Oh, that was me.
I did it from your account, remember?
Right.
Go ahead and stare. I'm not ashamed.
Go on, laugh, get your money's worth.
You still looking at that?
You're right. There's
no use. It's too hard.
so you can look
your fifty cents' worth.
Well, you can search by name.
for the privilege
of staring at a girl
- the way your wives won't let you.
- Doesn't matter.
What do you suppose we
think of you up here?
With your silly smirks your
mothers would be ashamed of.
Okay.
Well, I don't know about you all, but
I think it's been a very
long and boring break
now that I'm no longer a demagogue.
I had a lovely visit with my
parents and their many cats.
Explains the sweater.
We knew this would happen
when we went nuclear.
Who'd wanna send in a tip
when they know that
we'll say who did it?
Phase two is ongoing,
on its own, without us.
I don't have palpitations when
I get my screen activity report,
and I'm finally able to sleep at night.
You think hashtag "Tip
Gate" made things better?
I watched Pippa Sykes try
and run over Bianca Breer
with a Lime scooter twice.
It's true. It's World War Teen.
How will kids be better to each
other without us policing them?
They have to learn to police
themselves for a change,
which is what they're supposed to do.
It was a noble experiment,
and like most, it failed.
And we didn't get
arrested in the process.
Now, I have to get into the
city and get back to work.
Work?
We're on break.
I don't get multiple
alimony checks like you do.
Just marry people and
underreport your wages.
It's easy.
We didn't get our
holiday bonuses, remember?
The school that charges 90,000 a year
"needed the money" after the pandemic.
I had to take on an odd job.
I am back to an old
Barnard seasonal gig.
Returning and-or exchanging unwanted
Christmas gifts for rich people.
But hey, at least Constance
will have a new gym.
You have to share a room?
- Oh, my God.
- We have to be out by the middle of January,
farthest extension they'd give me.
I didn't have too many options.
But by the time you girls
get back from Hudson,
this will be home.
- I know it's not ideal.
- Dad, it's fine, okay?
We're just grateful to be together.
Right?
Right, yeah. I mean
Anywhere is better than Indiana.
Um, and this is what, like
an hour away from school?
Yeah, plus or minus.
I can stay the weekend
and help you clean out the apartment.
Besides, Shan has been
blowing up my phone
- about New Year's Eve.
- No.
No, no, no, no. Hey.
You're coming with us.
New Year's is my favorite holiday,
and we go to Aki's dad's Hudson
house every year since we were 13.
It's the most quaint, wonderful weekend.
We just lay around,
eat food, play games,
and then we dress up for New Year's
just to party with each other.
- That sounds fun.
- Perfect.
Hey, we've, you know, already
spent the last ten days together.
- That was sister time.
- Okay.
This weekend's about friends.
Okay? And you are one.
Everyone wants you
there anyway, so, uh
Right, Audrey? Audrey?
Of course. It's my dream.
Should we go measure the closet?
Hello?
Hi, Mr. Wolfe, I'm
so sorry to bother you
when you're in Wainscott.
I just, um, I haven't been
able to get a hold of Max
and I was just curious to
see if he'd be able to be
back in time to head to Hudson with us?
Max didn't come to
Wainscott, sweetheart.
He's at home.
Like home-home?
I take it Max didn't tell
you about the divorce?
Oh, my God, no.
No, he didn't. I'm
I'm so sorry, Mr. Wolfe. I
I gotta go.
Fuck.
- Hey, I'm sorry, I have to go.
- Wait. Where are you going?
- I'm so sorry about this.
- Bye.
I told you, I'm thinking about it.
What is there to think
about? You can't actually want
to go upstate instead
of hanging with me.
Julien needs me, okay?
- She really needs my support.
- We've been over this.
You're always about what Julien needs.
We decided next year was
gonna be twenty-twenty-you.
Look. She's my sister, okay?
Technically.
But you've known each
other for what? Four months?
I've gone to school with
these guys for years.
Do you even know what
Cruella de Haan's parents are?
- What they do?
- What does that have to do with anything?
Shitty people make shitty babies.
There, I said it.
They are not your people!
Launch your new life
the right way, with me.
Now, who do we want to
do our makeup for free?
- Bergdorf or Sephora?
- All you have to do is make yourself cry./
And all those tips you sent in about
which of my outfits were repeats
and which I had to pay full price for?
I was just trying to keep you
front of mind. Be mad at Luna.
She sent in actual
terrible stuff about Zoya.
But honest.
Okay, it would've been worse not to.
Besides, a new year is dawning.
And now that Gossip Girl
has committed hara-kiri,
the airwaves are free and clear
for you to jam them again
with your supreme frequency.
It's time, JC.
- No one wants me, Mone.
- One person does.
Or did.
Okay, whatever, you have two options.
You can create a drama that no
one can take their eyes off of.
Exhibit A and A.
Break up your best friend's relationship
and run off with her man.
Aki's numbers have been going up
ever since he took down Isaiah Woodard.
He may be in love with
another man, and woman,
but I say yes to the mess.
Bonus points if it ends
with the three of you in bed together.
- Yeah.
- Or four.
I'm not doing that.
She's like my sister!
Let's not bring up Exhibit C, then.
Oh, my God. I'm truly
disgusted right now.
Yeah, we figured. Which
is why you're doing
Exhibit Bergmann instead.
Okay, Obie's over me. Again.
Oh, honey, he wanted
to be over you. A lot.
But you didn't let him.
Hudson's where you lost
your virginity to each other.
And since you haven't
slept with anyone since him,
you can do it all over again.
And I can hang in the adjoining room
and pretend the Nest caught
it on cam to get you viral.
You love him.
And he loves you.
We spent a year locked away
with our status quo still intact.
Of course everything's gonna change
the second we emerge.
But now, we're realizing
just how great things were.
Ben Affleck went back to a Jennifer.
Things can be the way they were.
- I get him back, you get me back?
- Yes.
Your new and improved IG is ready to go.
The first post, the
two of you at midnight,
lip-locked and loaded.
She went for it!
This does not smell good in here.
No, no, no, no.
I distinctly told the
bouncer not to let you guys
let you guys in. I
forgot we invited him in.
What's going on, Max?
- Are you on something?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, everything. And it's not working.
I am drugged up and I am
fucked out and I still feel it.
- Feel what?
- Both of you.
Both of you.
Just grab my hand. Stop. Stop.
You need to breathe right now.
Take a deep breath.
Not too deep.
No, it's not working. It doesn't work.
Of course it doesn't
fucking work, breathing.
Your dad told us about the divorce.
Oh, yeah?
Is that why you guys are here?
No, we're here because
we care about you, okay?
Well, uh, I'm fine.
And my parents' marriage has got
absolutely nothing to do with me.
So thank you guys for checking in.
You're coming to my dad's
for New Years, right?
No, absolutely not. No.
We go every year.
Well, you know what, things
are different this year.
They haven't been. But they can be.
Yeah, we need to stop ignoring
how much we actually
care about each other.
No, stop! Stop, okay?
You fucking guys, you don't get it.
Having sex with you, it
actually makes me feel bad
because I don't just want sex.
Neither do we!
Wh
Sorry, I didn't mean to yell.
We want the same thing.
We're all products of
a broken home, you know?
Not one of us knows what
a healthy relationship is.
Let alone one that's different.
What about Audrey and I?
Aren't we healthy?
Sometimes.
But where do I fit in?
We do not have to have all
of the answers right now.
Let's just let's go to Hudson.
And when we get there, we can
continue talking about this,
but right now, you need to
go find some pants and
maybe take a long shower.
Because you need it.
Fine. Fine.
We cannot push him.
We won't. We just
need to remind him that we're
still best friends and
show him how this might work.
I mean, how might it?
I don't know yet.
- Jules? What are you, uh
- Well, I still have my keycard,
and since you're not
answering any of my texts,
I thought I would surprise
you with some pre-New Year's.
- Yeah, it's just, I'm not, um
- Alone?
Is your mom here? Or Heidi?
Otto? Everything all right?
Yeah, uh, it's fine. It's just a friend.
- I'll just I'll be up in a second.
- I'm so sorry.
I
- No, Jules, wait. Jules.
- I feel so stupid.
I, um, I was just
wanting to make sure that
you're coming to Hudson.
- Oh.
- Or if that you were, um,
but you probably have other plans.
It's just that I've been, you know,
I've been seeing somebody,
uh, for the past couple weeks,
and we were just we
were gonna do New Year's
- together here, so
- Yeah, that's, um
Wonderful! Truly, yeah.
It's just, I thought it'd be weird,
you know, to bring in a
girl I just started dating
to a party with my
ex-girlfriend and all that, so
Exes. Because
Zoya is gonna be there.
Yeah.
You take care of yourself.
And, uh Oh! I'll see you at school.
Everything ♪
Everything's tempting ♪
I've got my DNR ♪
Drag my dress across the street ♪
Her name is Grace Byron.
How did you
Who is she?
Daughter of Charlotte Byron,
some Virginia state
senator or something.
Look, JC, I do owe you a Christmas gift,
and this one seems perfect.
What are you talking about?
They've known each other ten days.
Taking that down is easier than
knocking out bowling
pins with gutter rails.
We invite her to Hudson,
Obie sees you side by side,
no comparison, end of story.
- I don't think
- Nor should you.
That's why you have us.
Sure, he said no to your
invitation or whatever.
But when we invite the entire school
to our normally closed New Year's Party,
she'll convince him
that he just has to go,
because everyone else is.
And then when she comes,
you let us take care of Grace
with our usual grace.
They just started dating.
So we destroy it before
either are fully invested.
A win for all.
Oh, and it's also black-tie now.
Just to weed out the riffraff.
This is the quaint weekend house?
I think I saw a basketball
court on the way in.
That was a helipad.
Hi!
- How was the ride?
- Long.
Your bath is stocked
with L'Objet bath salts
- as you like, Miss La.
- Thanks, Special K.
This is Kenneth. He's
the property manager.
If you need anything, just
reach out to him. He's your guy.
Happy to show you to your
room later, Miss Lott.
Thanks.
Oh, you must be looking for me.
You're a teacher at my
daughter's school, aren't you?
Right. That's how we found you.
My assistant is away with
his family, of all things,
and unfortunately these
need to be exchanged
before the end of the year
for the Bouton d'or yellow gold.
They're already on hold, but
Marcello is having them cleaned,
so you'll have to return
the rose gold today
and go back in the
morning for the new ones.
Do not take the subway.
Do not take a car service.
You walk.
And as long as these are in your hands,
they're your responsibility.
If you lose them, you pay for them.
And you cannot pay for them.
Got it.
Obie! You came.
Everybody, this is Grace.
And I hope that I'm not making a
huge mistake introducing you to her.
Thank you so much for having me, Akeno.
- That's exactly how his mom says it.
- Oh, did I get it wrong?
No, that's how you're
supposed to say it.
Nice to meet you.
- I'm Monet.
- Luna.
Zoya.
- I'm J
- No introduction necessary.
I've been following you for years,
and half the products
on my face come from you.
And I know this is a
special weekend for y'all,
and I'm honored to be included.
No, it was imperative
that you come, actually.
No, please, make yourself comfortable.
Hi there, Grace. Hi,
Grace. Lovely to meet you.
- Hello.
- Hi. How are you?
It's so nice to see you again, uh
Rosa.
Rosa.
So, what did I miss? Who are you?
- It's Obie's friend.
- It's okay, you can say it.
- Girlfriend?
- Oh.
God, no. Not yet.
I was gonna say date.
Um
- Obie, do you wanna give Grace the tour?
- Yeah, let's go.
When you invited Camilla to dinner,
I didn't think I was gonna have to
act like Princess
fucking Diana all weekend
with a fake smile plastered on my face.
So, forget bowling. This is tic-tac-toe.
He met her in the absence of you
and thought she was a star, right?
But next to you? She's bus and truck.
She won't make it past midnight.
Does anybody understand you?
Only the right people.
Look, at lunch, we'll get her talking.
Every single thing that she has to say
is a clue to what she
doesn't want us to know.
- Come on.
- Yeah. Go.
Do you wanna go on a walk with us?
Wake me up when there's food and booze.
Where are you?
Are you hiding from me?
Rob!
You're late.
Oh, I missed you, Lulu.
Prove it.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh!
- Oh, my goodness.
Queen, what is this delight?
Oh, I just whipped up a little
something to start our meal.
I got that duck sausage that you like,
- so I thought
- Beautiful.
Is that pasta from scratch?
Just pici, it's easier than you think.
No, she's being humble.
Literally everything
that she cooks is unreal.
Oh, wait. I think we
forgot to make the sangria.
- What the hell. I'll do it.
- That's an emphatic yes from me.
I'll just text Kenneth
to bring the wine up.
No, Grace and I can go grab the wine.
I wanted to show her the cellar.
No!
I Grace needs to show
us how to eat her pasta.
- Right.
- Z, can you grab the wine?
- Sure. It's, uh, where?
- The cellar.
So, go past the kitchen to the
door at the base of the stairs,
make a right, and then
continue down that hallway
until you see another stairway.
And that's where it is.
Okay.
As fast as possible.
So, how'd you guys meet?
At Teterboro.
Were you going to Germany?
No, I, uh, I was
He had no idea where he was going.
He was a mess. He walked into
our plane thinking it was his.
Once I sat down, I couldn't get up.
He admitted he had nowhere to go.
So I asked him if he could go anywhere,
anywhere in the world,
where would it be?
- And I said
- Two years ago.
It just broke my heart.
Cause that's what we all want, right?
To go back before COVID,
before everything changed.
So I took him to Paris.
And then to Split. And then to Fez.
And then to Virginia for Christmas.
Taught him how to make biscuits
like my Meemaw taught me.
And we played chess.
She destroyed me a few times, but
He submitted each time with dignity,
which I found sexy.
- So you're competitive?
- I guess.
A little.
Isn't everyone?
Look, I have literally
never seen her lose.
I mean, she has a wall of trophies
- for everything from jumping to judo.
- Great!
After lunch, games.
Where is that wine?
- Yeah?
- Sorry,
I know you're basically at
the White Lotus or whatever,
but I had to update you.
Guess who we just met on the subway?
- Who?
- Aziza fucking Barnes.
Seriously?
You would've loved
them. They were so chill,
even invited us to a
poetry reading later.
And the best part?
Aziza said their friend
Jericho would be there.
- Jericho Brown?
- Hey, girl!
What if I see him read
"Night Shift" live?
I'll expire.
Shit!
Where'd you go?
What the hell?
I think I'm actually in the
house of a Tarantino villain.
Do you need to be rescued?
We should've made a code word.
I just might. I'll let you know.
I'll call you back later.
Where the fuck am I?
Shit! Are you kidding me?
Fucking kidding me?
- I think it's your turn.
- Yeah, I think it's Grace's turn.
- She knows it's her turn.
- Oh, God.
- Mmm
- Mm-mm.
Oh, my God. I did it. I did it.
- Okay, okay.
- Yes!
- Decent.
- My turn.
Julien.
- No.
- Okay.
- No, no, no.
- Audrey!
Just let her pick one.
- Okay, fine. Okay.
- That's the game.
- Okay.
- Careful.
I knew that was gonna happen!
Zoya! What are you doing out there?
I mean, seriously, guys.
Are you fucking kidding?
I was calling all of you.
I'm so sorry. I got
lost at Mar-a-Lago once.
Not the place you
wanna open random doors,
I will tell you that.
We're gonna play feminist Taboo.
Come, join.
Hey, make sure Grace loses.
Grace! Be my partner.
- Oh, sure.
- Jules?
Obes, you're mine.
I think we should split up.
I only play emotional games.
Sorry, Z, but you're on your own.
- Hey, Maxie.
- Mm, hey.
- Farmer Rob?
- Mm-hmm.
You usually seem happier
after you've seen him.
- This time was different.
- Why? What happened?
- He's moving.
- Oh, no.
- To the city.
- Oh, no.
It's some grand romantic gesture.
He even applied for an internship
at the Bronx Zoo and everything.
Well, you know, it could be fun.
You finally get to
center your side piece.
You like him, don't you?
I like him up here.
Down there I'm not so sure.
What about you?
You seem a bit more centered yourself.
No. No, no, no, no. Try in the middle.
And it is not my favorite position.
Sounds like we both
have decisions to make.
Oh, no. You have a decision to make.
- I'm removing myself.
- Too bad it's an hour away.
Ah. And just canceled.
Oh, fu Damn.
- Smash the
- Patriarchy.
- Yes!
- Nice.
- Out. You can't say "smash."
- Aw.
It's okay. Next time.
- Okay, you ready? All right.
- Let's do it. Yep.
You met her at that place you hate.
Zadie Smith.
Obie's godmother.
Angela Merkel.
You're not supposed
to like it, but you do.
- Thigh gap? Of course.
- Audrey
I'm not supposed to like it, but I do.
- Digital penetration.
- What?
Uh, it was Woody Allen films.
Hey, Kenneth!
- For the guest.
- Oh, none for me.
Tequila is not my friend.
Bit of a lightweight.
Obie and I forfeit.
It's you two for the win.
Uh, okay?
Then I guess it's your turn, babe.
- Okay.
- I love winning.
- You ready?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, um, famous female artist. Unibrow.
- This is easy.
- Uh
Uh, Latina? Married to
No, I can't say that. Um
- Julien?
- Are you serious?
Was in a bus accident once?
- Uh, what?
- She serious?
- Oh! Salma Hayek.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, well, she
- Time. Um, Audrey and Aki win.
- No.
- Yes! No surprises.
I'm so sorry.
We just have to get to
know each other better.
Get them next time, partner?
Yeah.
Fucking Grace!
Did you see the way he looks at her?
I mean, I get it, I wanna date her too.
This was This was a huge mistake.
I can't compete against
American royalty.
No, we did dynasties, not monarchies,
and I mean my tense there.
Look, sure, the Byrons are old money,
but old money is
yesterday's currency, okay?
You are Julien fucking Calloway.
Even when your dad was
public enemy number one,
Balenciaga still sent you samples.
Grace Whatever has never
even seen a runway show.
She's catalogue only. Full Draper James.
And you think you can't top that?
You know what? You're right.
'Cause she's not even
on the same mountain.
And more importantly,
- Miss Congeniality is a mean drunk.
- Can I fucking help you?
- That's why she said no downstairs.
- What the fuck was that for?
- Don't fucking film me!
- Oh, my God.
- How did you find this?
- Do you know who I am?
You've gotta stop asking me that.
Great. Now we know what
tonight's entertainment will be.
We'll get her drunk and
we'll get the cameras rolling.
Don't worry, JC. We'll
leave you out of it.
Let us mean girls turn
her into a mean girl.
This shit'll be stitched from
now until St. Paddy's Day.
And Obie will be yours before
the countdown even begins.
Hey, you wanna not watch a movie?
You guys, you gotta stop doing this.
- Does he know we mean sex?
- Yes, he knows we mean sex.
I want you to stop meaning anything.
The sitting next to me,
the staring at me longingly,
the cornering me, the
centering me. I mean,
I'm not some object.
Okay? I'm flesh and blood.
How am I even saying these things?
You are not an object, Max.
Nothing has ever felt
more right, more natural, more organic
than when we're together.
No! No. You you're together.
You don't get it. I
I'm extra. You know?
And you can't see that from the inside,
but I'm out here and it's
scary and it feels unsafe and
You know what?
What are you doing here?
I'm just passing through.
I didn't ask you in.
Last I heard, you don't own this place.
That's a bad joke, I'm sorry.
You're not really someone
who should be joking about
about anything.
I just wanted to stop by and
say how grateful I am to you.
I would never have imagined
things working out like this.
You
taking in my daughter.
I'm happy to have done it.
Where are you moving?
Look, I already told your lawyers.
I wanna help.
I think we got it.
I wanna help you stay.
Julien is my daughter.
And not only do I love her,
but I am still responsible for her.
They haven't taken that away from me.
This might be the only way
I can still take care of her.
You'll have to find another way.
Thanks. But we're good.
- Oh, my God! How cute is this?
- Right?
Am I weird that I kind
of like the smell of bars?
No, not at all.
Well, then you'll love this place.
We come every year.
Ironically, of course.
- Uh, do you want a drink?
- Uh, just a Diet Coke, please.
No, no, don't worry.
Grace has a soft spot for normal people.
So we'll use her politeness against her.
She won't be able to resist
if locals and bar staff
keep offering her drinks, right?
And luckily, my friend
basically works here.
What can I get you?
Patron, please, papi.
Um, none for me. I can't do shots.
Oh, Grace, it would be
rude to refuse, right?
One won't kill you.
Okay. One.
Yes! Okay. Whoo! To new friends.
I will not forget this night ♪
A, uh, rye Manhattan.
Templeton, if possible.
How about a Jack and Coke?
Make it a double and we're good.
Was wondering if we'd see you this year.
Oh, yeah, it's tradition.
Warms our heart to see
such consistent young love.
You two are the cutest
couple I've ever seen.
That's what I keep telling them.
Don't blame it on me ♪
Blame it on my wild heart ♪
Well, what's the verdict?
Still in deliberations.
- Hmm.
- You?
- Nothing to decide.
- That's not true, boo.
- And if you want my advice
- Did I ask?
It's like the first day at the pool.
You just gotta jump in.
When I first met Rob, do you
remember what you told me?
That if you didn't sit
on it, then I would?
To not be afraid of what could be.
I disclosed right away and found out.
And "what could be" has
been for a few fun years now.
And who are you to ever
miss out on fun, huh?
Jump.
In dark sorrow they gaze down ♪
Into the darkest heart ♪
- If I leave you ♪
- There's something that you make that I love,
but I can't remember what it is.
Two White Russians please, Gerta.
Yes, that's right.
Yeah.
You say you don't even know ♪
Look, I just wanna say,
thank you for being so nice to Grace.
You know, I mean, I was
I was worried that it
might be too much too soon,
but I don't know,
I don't know why I was worried
at all, she fits right in.
Yeah, she does.
Come on. Just one more, come on.
Uh Okay, but then that is it.
Oh, my God, you are so fun.
Okay. Can we have two more, please?
God, it
it feels good to let loose. I
haven't since Japan last year,
and that was a little too much fun,
- if you know what I mean.
- I do.
I just have to be on my best behavior
'cause my mom, you
know, eyes everywhere,
reporters always trying
to get you at your worst.
You do not have to worry
about any of that with us.
I mean, Aki's dad owns the media.
How do you think we've been
drinking here since middle school?
You can do anything you want,
and it won't ever be a thing, I promise.
Let's party like it's
Golden Gai, huh? Come on.
Whoo!
Cheers.
Should I go see if the bouncer has coke?
Oh, the bouncer has coke.
I made sure of it.
I've had a shit day.
Oh, sorry, I didn't even
I made 20 dollars an hour
returning clothes, shoes, and jewelry
worth more than a decade of my salary
for people whose staff
have the holidays off.
At one point, I calculated
I was walking around with
200,000 dollars worth of things.
And I got some tips, but
that doesn't really make up
for the scolding I also received.
Like, this one lady said she'd ruin me
because the place she sent me
to only offered store credit
in exchange for a 9,000-dollar coat
she wore once and returned.
I can't keep Zoya in Constance
and also pay for a comfortable rental,
even in Queens.
I'm trying to figure out how to, but
Davis offered to buy this place
so that we could stay.
Along with a good chunk of
money to take care of Julien.
You're gonna say no, right?
I don't know.
But he promised to
stay out of our lives.
Said that that's the last
thing he would do for Julien.
Honestly
would you take the money?
It's never just about the money,
and it would never be the last thing.
I mean, you take his money,
you're in his pocket
forever, you know that.
People like Davis use
money to control us.
Your morals are a lot
more valuable, I think.
If you take his money, you're
giving those away, right?
And you never compromise your morals?
I sure have.
And, uh, I'll probably pay for it
in the future, most likely,
but you've lived a life
where you haven't had to,
so why start now?
It might be hard to figure out
how you'll do it all yourself,
but I know you.
You'll find a way.
I really needed to hear
somebody else say that.
Thank you.
So, I've been thinking
about what you said
about moving to New York,
and if you're serious about that
and you're serious about me
- you know
- Yeah.
Fuck, yes, Lulubelle. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.
Um
I'm gonna go put our song on the jukebox
and go buy everybody a round.
We don't have a song.
Sure we do.
Yeah, I think it works, but, um
how do we pitch it?
I think we just have
to have fun together.
Get him to stop thinking
and start feeling.
But he'll never go for
this. He's afraid of us.
Let's make him remember why he likes us.
How?
Oh, God, this song. Come on.
- What?
- He loves cheese, remember?
- Been reading books of old ♪
- Don't lie, you love this.
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold ♪
Come on, Max. Dance with us.
Hercules and his gifts ♪
I told you this wouldn't work.
Just give it a second.
Batman with his fists ♪
Okay.
And clearly I don't see
myself upon that list ♪
But she said where do you wanna go? ♪
Don't fight it. We
know you love this shit.
I'm not looking for somebody
with some superhuman gifts ♪
- Come on!
- Some superhero, some fairytale bliss ♪
This fucking song.
Just something I can turn to ♪
Somebody I can kiss ♪
I want something just like this ♪
Doo-doo-doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo ♪
Doo-doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo ♪
I want something just like this ♪
I want something just like this ♪
Hey!
I want something just like this ♪
This can work, Max.
Uh, yeah, uh, we have a plan, actually.
Um, you and Audrey can hang
out from Monday to Wednesday,
and you and I can hang out
from Thursday to Saturday.
Yeah, and we all spend Sunday together.
- You're serious?
- We are.
- Yes, we are.
- Wow.
- Come on.
- Grace, I just No, I don't
Don't you wanna kiss me?
- No, no.
- Kiss me!
No, I I don't think
that's a good idea.
It's okay. Oh, um, just
This my part.
Something, boy ♪
Aren't you tired trying
to fill that void? ♪
Or do you need more? ♪
Do you do you want
to just give me the mic?
Ain't it hard keepin'
it so hardcore? ♪
Just give me the mic?
Just give me the mic.
- You wanna sing? Yes!
- Yes. Everyone
- No, I Jesus.
- Julien's going to sing!
No, I'm not gonna sing.
She's beautiful, I love her.
She's the Bradley to my Cooper.
My parents, they're about to pass me
back and forth like a
dessert that they're sharing.
And you guys, you
wanna do the same thing?
Do you even Do you even
care what's on the line for me?
If it doesn't work out,
if someone gets jealous?
Or you two, you just get tired
of the extra extra effort.
Then I'm the expendable one.
No. I'm done having this conversation.
Just leave me alone and let me go.
In the sha-la sha-ha-llow ♪
Maybe we can go get some fresh air?
Do you think that I should intervene?
I don't need air, I need tequila.
No, you definitely don't.
- In the sha-ha ♪
- Thank you.
Don't you think she's had enough?
You're probably right.
She's already far exceeded expectation.
Oh, why do you think she's here, Zoya?
So that Obie can see her
mess and get back with Julien.
And then JC can go back to the
way things were before Gossip Girl.
Hmm?
Everyone sing!
I need to tell you a secret.
Okay. Okay.
I thought I had to compete
with you, but I didn't.
You're losing to yourself.
Give me the mic!
Hey! Why are you being
like this? Be fun.
- Grace!
- Be fun, bitch.
Grace, I think it's
time that we go, okay?
- Really?
- Yes.
Now you're on her side?
Fucking Yankees. All the same.
And you know what, Julien?
You suck at games!
- We gotta get her out of here.
- I'm trying.
Oh, my God, you guys. It's the
It's the door guy who sold me drugs.
- It's time to go.
- Do you know that's a federal crime?
- Grace, stop!
- Give me the mic.
- You you want the mic?
- Grace.
- Grace.
- You want the mic?
Mic drop!
Oh, my God!
Grace. Okay, that's it. Come down.
- Oh, my God.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
- No. Help me.
Hmm, I wonder where Grace is?
Blanche DuBlah's probably
sleeping off her shame spiral,
which is what I'm trying to
do, but you keep on talking.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Okay. So listen.
First off, we wanna
say we're really sorry.
We We feel terrible.
We should've never
spoken to you that way,
and you're not expendable to us, Max.
But you're right.
We've been together for a long time,
and we understand that
you may feel that you have more to lose.
So here's our proposal.
We wanna date you.
Together.
Equals, the three of us.
A triad.
Which is not It's
not a throuple, okay?
It's a real relationship.
It's based on the fact that all
three sides of a triangle are equal.
What that means is that
well, if being together
like that doesn't work
for all three of us, then it
doesn't work for any of us.
We break up.
Her and me.
You and us and
Honestly, all or nothing.
If you're in, we're in.
But if not, no worries.
It's not an ultimatum.
But we just don't work without you.
And we don't want to. That's what's fun.
Hey!
I thought you might need these.
But you seem way ahead of me.
I don't remember much of last night,
but it must be bad.
I woke up on the bathroom floor,
and I haven't seen
Obie once this morning.
I'm afraid to even open my phone.
No, it it wasn't that bad.
You're sweet. But I'm
a politician's kid.
I can smell spin.
Well, listen, this is just a hazing.
They do it to everybody new.
I mean, take it from
me. Julien's my sister,
and you wouldn't believe
what they've tried.
But I'm still here.
I'd rather leave with the
last shred of dignity I have.
If you leave right now,
you're just letting them win.
And I can tell Obie is really into you.
You think staying is winning?
Just makes them think it was all okay.
I gotta go.
You, Aud, and Ak looked great
on the dance floor last night.
Hmm. So did you and Pabst Blue Robert.
Hmm.
Three, two, one.
Will I be leaving with a
gift or just extra baggage?
Can I stay whole if I
agree to become a third?
Hey, are you okay?
Grace left.
Oh.
Hey. Come here.
I know that I've been
distracted this weekend
and it hasn't been
exactly what I promised,
but I wanted to thank you
for being here in support.
It has been so hard to be
here with Grace and Obie.
But now that she's gone,
we can just have a peaceful New Year's,
no outsiders or
I don't support what you did.
And I'm also an outsider here,
no matter how much you wanna
pretend that that isn't true.
Why did you lie to me about
what this weekend was really about?
The getting rid of Grace stuff?
Really?
It wasn't about that. Not originally.
Things got out of hand, but
This this weekend is about friends.
You keep saying that, but
is this how friends act?
Look
I know you want things to
go back to the way they were,
but I really wish you didn't,
because they were awful
for anyone that wasn't you.
And I'm not your
friend, I'm your sister.
And as your sister, I'm telling you,
now is your only chance
to do something you've
never done before.
Be a gracious loser, okay?
Stop fighting for everything,
and just be the bigger
person and let it go!
Holding yourself accountable
instead of letting Gossip Girl
and the rest of the world do it
could be the best thing
to ever happen to you.
Oh. And, um, here is my invoice.
I also take, uh, Cash App
or Venmo, if that's easier.
Why is there a cab receipt here?
You specifically told me not to
take the subway or a rideshare.
Are you seriously trying to
nickel and dime me right now?
The cost of the cab is
like an hour of my time.
I don't see how it's my
problem you don't listen.
Implicit to running errands for someone
is doing what they ask you to do.
And part of running
errands for people is that
I was denied my
end-of-year bonus
because the board, made
up entirely of parents,
including you, decided that that money
would be better served
going to a new gym.
So here I am returning
30,000-dollar earrings for you,
and you seriously want to
argue about a 15-dollar cab?
You think you deserved
a bonus this year?
You all complained about
teaching during COVID,
so the school didn't reopen.
Do you know how hard it
was on us working parents?
We didn't wanna risk our lives
Then, you all allowed Gossip Girl
to taunt and torment
them upon their return.
Not only did you do nothing about it,
but some of you even
sent in tips yourselves.
Tips on kids you were in charge of.
If I could fire each and
every one of you, I would.
So you being cheap was punitive?
That's the thing with you people,
you think you're entitled
to something you didn't earn.
- Who people?
- Middle-class white girls
who don't stand out, so they
claim some kind of victimhood.
Push others to spread the wealth
they themselves can't earn.
I pay 40% in taxes so you don't have to.
I trickle down so that you can
teach in a safe environment,
eating cafeteria food
cooked by Michelin chefs,
all while teaching the
future lawmakers of America.
You're glorified babysitters
whose names will be hard
to recollect in five years,
whereas the names of the
kids you purport to teach
will never be forgotten.
It is a privilege
to work at Constance.
And the board
felt you all needed
to be reminded of that.
Thank you, Mrs. de Haan.
For reminding me why I do what I do.
Hey.
Have a second?
I'm still trying to get her.
That's what I wanted to
talk to you about, actually.
Um, a apologize, really,
which I know I do a lot.
It's not your fault.
It is.
I'm the reason she's gone.
What did you do?
Everything.
Obie, I love you.
It never stopped for me.
But you were willing to ditch me
for my sister in, like, a week.
And then, now, for this person
that you've known ten days.
I just wanted to show you
that you don't really know her.
The only person you know is me.
I do know you.
And that's the problem.
I mean, I've known you
so well for so long,
I've never had room
to know myself.
And now, that's all I want. I
I mean, Grace is open with me.
She told me about her past.
Last night is not a surprise.
Okay? Just like it's not a surprise
that you're behind it.
- Yeah, because I love you.
- But it's not about you.
Jules, it's not.
And it's not about Grace.
It's not about my parents.
It's not about anybody.
It's about me. For once, me.
Having a chance to learn who I am.
Okay, just
Just let me go.
Please.
I just had the most incredible,
infuriating, igniting thing happen.
Oh, my God. Breathing, right.
What happened?
I just told Camille de Haan off.
And she came back at me with the most
insane, irrelevant
conservative bullshit.
Wait. Are you unpacking?
Good news. We're staying.
Did you pick up a new case?
You took his offer.
Had to do what's best for the girls.
Plus, I can continue taking
pro bono cases this way.
I could actually do
more for the community.
How noble.
I have to be a dad first.
Yes, you do.
And Zoya deserves a dad
who lives by an example
he'd want her to follow.
Oh, my God. We're all
just for sale, aren't we?
You're so righteous, Kate.
How's that working out for you?
'Cause you seem pretty
judgmental for someone
who's never gotten a thing they want.
I wonder why?
Okay. Wow. We're going there?
None of this is easy.
None of this is right. It's just
It's where I am right now.
So I can yell and
scream about what I want,
or I can do the hard thing so
my daughter doesn't have to.
Have you ever done that?
Just something for a greater good?
'Cause until you do,
maybe just leave me the fuck alone.
Max is gone. He's not in his room.
Well, I guess that's our answer then.
No, it's not.
You both look divine.
As do you.
Um
I've never been in a relationship.
I Not only do I not
know how one works, I
I don't know how I might be in one.
But if you're willing
to take a risk on me,
I'm willing to take a risk on you.
One for all or none for none, right?
That's a pact?
That's a pact.
I let the good ones go ♪
I let the good ones ♪
Let you down easy I'm trying ♪
'Cause you're everything ♪
- I've spent my whole life fighting ♪
- So
Are there parties like
this every week in the city?
Because I
I took this suit from
Mr. Menzies' closet.
You look great.
But you may not wanna stay
after I say what I have to say.
I'm flattered you wanna
spend more time with me.
But I'm not looking for
more right now, from anyone.
But if I was, if I do,
you'll be the first to know.
Maybe.
I get it. I mean, we
were each other's escape.
And if I go there, that goes away.
But maybe you could come upstate
more than just once a year?
I'd like that.
You know what else I'd like?
- I let the good ones go ♪
- But doin' this is ♪
All that I've known ♪
Ever, ever, ever ♪
I let the good ones go ♪
What's going on?
I owe you both an apology.
This has been an insane last few months,
and I've taken you for
granted more than once.
You are my people. And I
don't always deserve you,
and you definitely don't
deserve how I've treated you.
I keep promising that I'll do better,
but first chance I get to
take something for myself,
I grab it.
What I did with Grace
was pathetic and selfish.
I called her and told her everything.
She's gonna meet you at your house.
Go upstairs and pack, I got you a car.
Hey, this is the right place, right?
Yes. Go make yourself at home.
Come on, everybody.
Now remember, one of
you gets me at midnight,
and the other one gets to
go to the station alone.
What's going on?
Julien? Why are all these people here?
I invited them.
I invited the entire town.
Like you said, it should
be open to everyone.
There's my big sister.
Thank you, Julien. Mwah.
I'm not done yet.
What, you're kicking me out, too?
Tarantino, bitch!
You were right.
You can be my sister and not my friend.
In fact, I'm glad that I have a sister
to keep me honest and
remind me about who I am.
Or at least, who I can be.
Thank you, Z. You should
be with your friends.
Okay, bye.
Tarantino! Whoo!
Get in the back. Get in the back.
Oh, my God!
Julien ruins everything.
Why did it have to be her?
Anyone could have been it, even me.
You two, upstairs, I need to think.
And you're going to keep me focused.
Go.
Greetings, Gossip Girl.
You may have abandoned
us, but I can't forget you.
And I don't want to.
You were the worst thing
that ever happened to me,
but you also changed me.
And you can't leave yet.
You're not done.
A tip, though,
from one influencer to another,
you were too nice.
You cared too much.
That's not how this is supposed to go.
If you really wanna get us,
you have to make us worry.
You have to make us squirm.
You started with me,
so it only makes sense
that you restart with me.
I'm going to send you
everything you never knew
about everyone I know.
But there's a catch.
Not all of it will be true,
and you're not gonna
know the difference.
No more kindness. It's time for chaos.
That's the only way
you change the world.
You take the gloves off.
This deal has one condition.
While you go hard till
there's nothing left,
I make it my mission to stop
you before you ruin us all.
Mutually assured destruction,
from one bitch to another.
You know I hate you,
but I know you love me.
XOXO.
You have till midnight.
Is this your house?
Who are you?
I'm Julien fucking Calloway.
Hey there. Did you miss me?
You know I've missed you.