Greg the Bunny (2002) s01e12 Episode Script

[Theme music.]
ALL: [Singing.]
We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you! Is that a secret? Hey, everybody.
What's going on? We're having a picnic under the joke tree.
GREG: The what? It must be fall.
What does it say, Greg? "Why do seagulls fly over the sea?" I don't know, Greg.
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
And cut.
Bagels.
Because they're gulls that fly over the bay.
[Greg laughing.]
- Are you on some kind of medication? - And do you have any extra? [Continues laughing.]
I have to go to the bathroom.
Jimmy, why don't you go with him and make sure he doesn't fall in again.
Yeah, that's exactly what I got my Ph.
D.
for.
G.
E.
D.
I'm not some hot chick you're trying to impress at Bennigan's.
Did you guys hear this one? A kid walks up to Big Bird and says: "Hey, Big Bird, I've got a great puppet joke for you.
" Big Bird says, "Kid, don't you know? I'm a puppet.
" The kid says: "Don't worry, Big Bird.
I'll say it slow.
" [Jack laughing.]
Careful there, Jack.
You know that's offensive to puppets.
Not to mention it's a lame ripoff of an otherwise hilarious Polish joke.
[Greg grunting.]
GREG: Man, they've got to lower these things.
I'm taking jump shots here.
I got you.
GREG: Thanks, Jim.
That's good.
[Greg sighs in relief.]
Hey, check this out.
Hey, there's one about your dad.
I didn't know he was from Nantucket.
[Exclaiming admiringly.]
Good for your dad.
All right, let's shake it, Jimmy.
Look, there's bad jokes about everybody up here.
There's even one about you.
JlM: People around here love to kid.
WARREN: Jimmy! My God, I left Warren's sushi in the trunk of my car.
Why aren't there any jokes about me up there? They figured you can't take a joke.
Remember how you complained when someone propped water over the stage door? I was trapped under that thing all weekend.
I almost suffocated.
See what I mean? You can't take a joke.
Don't worry about it.
"Can't take a joke.
" GREG: I'll show you who can take a joke, and it's gonna be me.
If l can just get up this thing.
I'm telling you, that second-rate PBS hack doesn't even eat the cookies, okay? They just crumble up and fall right out of his mouth.
First sign of bulimia.
You know what I heard? I heard that Ernie and Bert are actually straight.
BOTH: Oh, shut up.
Can I have everyone's attention, please? We have a problem, and it could easily turn into a situation.
That's network lingo for "I've got to cover my ass.
" Not in that skirt, baby.
WARREN: Give it up.
That's funny.
Okay.
Somebody wrote something really horrible about Greg on the men's room wall.
ALlSON: Gil, did you see it? No, I didn't, Alison.
I was making television.
I didn't have time for my usual 9:00 urinal patrol.
What did it say? I can't even repeat it.
That's how offensive it is.
- Greg, did you see it, honey? - Yeah, and, man, was it funny.
I laughed so hard when I read it.
Oh boy, can I take a joke? Can I ever? I'm sure we could all use a good laugh there, Greg.
What did it say, blah? It said, and I quote: "Greg the Bunny is a filthy, stinking sock who should die.
" [Tense instrumental music.]
They called you the "S" word? Hysterical, right? GREG: Where did I lose you guys? Let's not make such a federal case out of this, Alison.
They all write stuff about each other on the wall.
It's tradition.
Really? It's tradition to threaten Greg's life? It's tradition to call Greg the "S" word? I don't think so, Gil.
The "S" word? Let's not pretend to be so P.
C.
around here, okay? We can use the word "sock.
" Who the hell said that? GlL: Nobody said anything, Susan.
Why don't you just go about your business, okay? [Gil chuckles uncomfortably.]
See? Anti-puppetism is an extremely sensitive issue especially now during Puppet History month.
Is it October already? What if my bosses found out I knew about this and I didn't do anything? Just what would you like me to do, Alison? Would you like me to get handwriting samples from the entire cast and crew and compare them to the bathroom wall? WARREN: Come on, Gil.
This is ridiculous.
Hey, it wasn't my idea, all right.
See? No match here.
We're going to get to the bottom of Who wrote that? I did, but I meant it respectfully.
[Puppets chuckling softly.]
People, if you don't put your names on the bottom of the paper - I'm not gonna know who wrote them.
- That one was mine, blah.
I was kidding.
I know it's yours.
We're all aware of your ridiculous verbal tic.
Blah me.
You know what? Enough.
All right, people Iet's just lighten up so we can get through this.
GlL: Warren? WARREN: Yeah? GlL: Is this your handwriting? - Why, what's wrong with it? - lt looks like a 5-year-old wrote it.
[Laughing.]
Probably the same 5-year-old kid he paid to take his drug test.
[Warren mimics Blah laughing.]
All right, let's move on.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
We're never going to find a match Iike this.
GlL: Jack? I didn't write that on the wall.
It looks like your handwriting.
Doesn't it, Blah? I don't think they match.
You've got to admit, Jack, it looks pretty similar.
Oh, I get it.
It's another damned puppet conspiracy.
Like covering up Oscar's mob ties.
Come on.
We all know who controls sanitation from Fifth Avenue to Sesame Street.
I tell you, either I'm stinking drunk, or that was the world's worst apology.
Seeing how it's almost noon, I'd say it's a toss-up.
Jack, come on, man.
Please.
We should talk.
GREG: The thing is-- When I find out which one of your little puppet friends set me up I'm going to skin him alive, reattach the skin and skin him again.
That's one way to go.
Sure.
But what if, just spitballing here you forgave the puppet and invite them over for a nice, hot cup of cocoa? [Suspenseful instrumental music.]
I do like cocoa.
Okay.
New plan.
Skin him alive, reattach cocoa skin him again.
But [Sinister instrumental music.]
[Stuttering.]
[Upbeat rock music playing on stereo.]
Are you out of your mind? You wrote that on the wall yourself? What's the problem? I just wanted to show people that I could take a joke.
How is writing a racial slur and threatening your own life a joke? All right, look.
First I set it up with: "Greg the Bunny is a filthy, stinking sock.
" Then I knocked it out of the park with the punch line: "Who should die! " [Laughing.]
You see what I did there? GREG: I did If Richard Pryor said it, you'd laugh your ass off.
I was there.
Everybody's really pissed, especially Jack.
I never meant for him to take the fall.
I guess I should just go down there and confess.
Whoa.
Get your bunny head out of your bunnyhole.
You're gonna keep your trap shut.
Let this blow over.
- And what if Jack finds out? - Jack's never gonna find out.
If he does, I'm leaving you my foot for good luck.
Jack, come on.
Will you just apologize and make this thing go away? Please? The Vietcong hooked my genitals up to a car battery for 38 hours straight to get me to confess to something I actually did.
You're going to have to do better than "please.
" Pretty please? I didn't write on the damn wall.
Enough.
Jack, we have a show to do.
And the puppets are refusing to work unless you apologize.
It's always something with them.
They also refused to work on Howdy Doody's birthday.
Alison, would you excuse us for a couple of minutes? Let me handle this.
[Door closing.]
Hey, I'm with you, Jack.
I feel your pain, man.
GlL: I don't like working with those damn puppets any more than you do.
You know, with their beady little eyes and matted fur.
They creep me out.
But they bring in the kids, you know.
They pay the bills.
So? So let's just make the stupid lint balls happy.
Go down to the set, say you're sorry, and let's go back to making a TV show.
Okay, fine.
I'll apologize but I won't mean it.
Works for me.
Okay, everybody.
Jack here has a little announcement he'd like to make.
I want you to listen up, because we're a day behind schedule and I wanna finish shooting the Tardy Turtle song today.
The floor's all yours, Jack.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Here goes.
GlL: I don't like working with those damn puppets any more than you do.
You know, with their beady little eyes and matted fur.
They creep me out.
TARDY: You bastard! I just said it to get him to apologize.
Come on, guys.
You know me.
I love puppets.
Gee.
Okay.
Boy, I'm glad that whole ugly mess is behind us.
Gil, your intolerance sickens me, sir.
Yeah, we're out of here, blah.
We puppets stick together.
Come on.
All right, guys.
Come on.
Guys.
Really.
Hey, guys.
Wait for Tardy.
[Slow instrumental music.]
[Gil sighs in distress.]
Alison, please.
I think I'd remember it if you said to check Jack for a wire.
We can go back and forth all day about the way you screwed up but the bottom line is all hell has broken loose on the set.
I'm setting up a mandatory puppet-sensitivity training course.
Please.
What, do you honestly think anyone's gonna listen to some New Age flake babbling on and on about tolerance and unity? Not a flake.
Dr.
Aben Mitchell.
[Drum roll.]
ALlSON: He's the President and Vice President of the Puppet Anti-Defamation League.
He's a highly respected leader in the Puppet Civil Rights Movement.
I mean, when Dr.
Aben Mitchell starts talking everyone, flesh and fabric, we all listen.
Fact: Puppets get paid 36% less than humans do for doing the same job.
Fact: Puppets pay twice as much as humans for dry cleaning.
Fact: Not a single puppet has ever won a Nobel Prize or a People's Choice Award.
Fact: You and I should blow this off and hit Magic Mountain.
So what is anti-puppetism and how does it affect the workplace? Let's watch and learn.
Lights! So, Fred, did you get that big promotion you deserved? No, they gave it to some stupid puppet just because he was a puppet.
MAN: Which puppet did they give it to? I don 't know.
They all look alike.
[Men laughing.]
I wish I could close the borders down and keep all them smelly puppets out of our country.
Hey, sock, why don 't you go back to where you came from? I'm from Cincinnati.
You're still a sock, and you'll always be a sock.
Sock.
I can 't take this anymore.
It's payback time.
[Tense instrumental music.]
Whoa.
What did you stop it for? It was just getting good.
Okay.
But we must all learn to tolerate and even celebrate our differences.
Whether you're flesh, fleece, purple, plaid, or even Chinese.
BLAH: Blah.
Okay, let's do a little role reversal.
Warren, you're a human waiter and Gil, you're the hungry puppet customer.
And go.
Hello there, sir.
May I take your order, please? Hello.
Give me one of those Grand Slam breakfast specials.
Are you sure about that, tubbo? Because we're actually having a special on "Shut your fat face.
" You know what? I don't want to play anymore.
No.
Hold on.
This is good.
Please continue.
Okay.
Just give me some fruit.
Just a bowl of fruit.
Get out.
GlL: What? WARREN: Get out! You spineless, visionless, talentless television hack! [Warren laughing.]
Don't come back without hairnets for them eyebrows, buddy.
You puppet.
Okay.
Let's see.
Alison, you be the puppet customer.
Who would like to be the waiter who abuses Alison? ALL: Me.
Now, what are some of the common stereotypes humans have about puppets? Jimmy.
[Grunts thoughtfully.]
All puppets love tartar sauce.
WARREN: That is a lie.
BLAH: Stupid.
ALL: What are you talking about? Come on, guys.
You know you love it.
ALL: Okay.
All right.
Now, how else How else are we different? Jack? No one else here seems to consider this hell.
Okay.
Dottie.
Like, in ice cream places, when you order humans are all, like: [Angrily.]
"I'd like some sprinkles with that.
" Puppets are all: [Excitedly.]
"I'd like some sprinkles with that! " [Excitedly.]
"I'd like some sprinkles with that! " [All chuckling.]
GREG: That's true.
I do order sprinkles that way.
Now, really experience the shape, the form.
It's beautiful.
[Serene lndian music playing on stereo.]
We're not really that different, are we? Wait.
That's your nose, right? GREG: Jack? I'm concerned you're gonna hurt me if I try to touch you.
I'd go with that.
- Hello.
- Warren, what are you doing? Just feeling our differences, baby.
[Loud squelch.]
Letting go of differences.
[Warren groaning.]
ABEN: And Count Blah.
Yes, I'm sorry that I sometimes imitate the humans dancing like this.
[Puppets laughing.]
Yes, ride the pony.
Okay, all together now.
ALL: We love and accept you.
Now, Gil.
I'm sorry for all those things I said calling you lint balls and everything.
I didn't mean it.
All together.
ALL: We love and accept you.
I think, finally, there's something, Jack that you'd like to say to everyone here, and especially Greg.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry this guy is so full of crap and you're all a bunch of socks.
[All gasping.]
We love and accept Yeah.
Hey, Junction Jack.
You in there? JACK: State your name and business.
Greg, bunny.
Talk.
Look, I just wanna say that I believe you.
I know you didn't write that stuff about me on the wall.
Of course I didn't.
If I did, I'd admit it.
But even though you didn't write it I can't help but notice that you do seem to have a problem with fabricated Americans.
Where are you going with this? What have you got against puppets? You love your mama, Greg? You're not going to hurt her if I say yes, are you? I loved my mama.
She was beautiful.
She was great.
I loved her.
So did my dad.
We were poor.
We didn't have a doublewide or anything but we were happy.
Dad said we could survive anything as long as we stayed a family.
[Cheerful instrumental music.]
Then one day, I came home early from a Scout meeting.
I had just won a merit badge for marksmanship.
I heard this strange noise coming from my parents ' bedroom.
[Bed creaking.]
And that's when I saw him.
Googly eyes, crazy fur that good-looking, bad-boy kind of charm women can 't resist.
[Tense instrumental music.]
That was the end of our happy family.
Mom never said a word but somehow Dad and I knew she was never coming back.
[Sad instrumental music.]
After that, I was known as "The boy whose mom ran off with a puppet.
" That's no picnic in the Deep South in the '60s.
That really is a sad and pathetic story, Jack.
I never told anyone that.
Why did I just tell you? I don't know.
People tell me lots of stuff.
I'm a good listener.
It must be the ears.
Yeah, well.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- No problem.
- I'm the one who did it.
- Did what? It was me who wrote that stuff on the bathroom wall about myself.
If you're gonna hit me, don't do it in the face.
Why the hell would you do that? I was just trying to fit in.
I don't know.
I thought it was funny.
What's funny about "Greg the Bunny is a filthy, stinking sock who should die"? Nobody gets me.
So you were gonna just let me take the fall? I never meant to, but the whole thing rolled out of control and it got bigger and bigger.
It was like a giant snowball.
GREG: You wanna hear my snowball song? - No! - All right, I'm sorry.
I'll just go out there and tell everybody that I was the one who did it.
I really am sorry that your mama left you for a puppet gigolo.
You're too cute.
Thanks.
Nobody's ever gonna believe you did it.
I'll make them believe it.
They're gonna think I just threatened you into a false confession.
I might as well go out there and apologize so we can all move on.
But you didn't do it.
There's plenty of things I never got caught for.
A couple of weeks ago, I put a bucket of water over the stage door.
You fleshy bastard! You know, I could've died.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Aben Mitchell.
To learn more about anti-puppetism in the workplace please contact your local library or visit us on the web at: [Mumbling.]
Okay, I'm centered.
I'm ready.
[Bell ringing.]
MAN: One more time.
I can do it one more.
I hate you.
Jeez, where the hell did my eyeball go? You know, my dad ran off with a Southern woman brother.
DlRECTOR: Cut.
That came to a grinding halt.