Growing Pains s01e12 Episode Script

Where are my wise men? Taking the A train.
Mike, what are the wise men doing on the train track? Hey, they're wise men.
They must know what they're doing.
Mike, come on.
It's a miracle.
Mike.
We three kings We know what we like Spending Christmas With our friend Mike Ben, stop that.
You'll get to open one present after dinner.
But I thought you said everyone's Christmas-Eve present would have a big, red bow on it.
It will.
Well, everyone has one with a big, red bow on it except me.
Well, maybe we should tell him the truth, guys.
What truth? Well, Ben, you're adopted and Santa doesn't know your new address.
- Mom! - Mike.
The only one of us kids who's adopted is Mike.
I'm not adopted.
Not yet.
My present's definitely not here.
Well, Ben, maybe Santa just hasn't brought it yet.
Come on.
There's no such thing as Santa.
Hey, Ben, you know that for a fact? Okay.
Okay, I tell you what.
I'll go get myself some Christmas cookies, and who knows? Maybe Santa will decide this is the perfect opportunity to bring my present.
Know what I mean? So, when are you guys gonna pick it up? Around 4:00.
He's gonna be so excited.
So, Jason, how excited am I gonna be about my present? Well, that depends.
Have you been naughty, or have you been nice? I've been nice and naughty.
Santa likes it when you talk like that.
- Hey, everybody! It's snowing.
- Oh, all right! - All right, on Christmas! - Oh, yeah! Look at that.
Oh, it's beautiful.
You know, Christmas is sort of neat I mean, just the five of us hanging out in a nice, warm house, kind of getting into the spirit.
- Mike? - Mike? Hey, you think I like being obnoxious all the time? Yeah, I guess I do.
I'll get it.
What did we do to be blessed with such a child? Dad, it's one of your patients.
Mr.
Bodewell! I think the suit looks great.
I gotta talk to you, Doc.
Aren't you supposed to be playing Santa down at the orphanage? - I can't go through with that.
- Why not? Watch this.
Ho, ho.
Let's talk.
Walter, when I saw you last week you were so excited about playing Santa for those kids at the orphanage.
What happened? Doc, the kids are gonna hate me.
Now, why should they hate you? Same reason everybody hates me.
I make people uncomfortable.
Look at you.
You're fidgeting.
I'm not fidgeting.
Okay, now, Walter, what's the one thing in your life that bothers you the most? Those little subscription cards that fall out of magazines.
Walter.
- Being alone.
- Yes.
And don't you think those kids at the orphanage are Ionely, too? Yeah, but I don't know how to talk to kids, Doc.
Well, relax.
Just be yourself.
You'll know what to say.
Well, I've been kicking around a few things.
Good.
Imagine you've just come into the orphanage and you're surrounded by all those happy little faces and what do you say? "To whom it may concern "it has come to my attention that tomorrow is Christmas.
"Consequently, I bring items in conjunction with" Walter, I wonder if, as an accountant, you might have a tendency to be I know, I know.
Too formal.
Walter, I don't know that that much talk is expected of Santa.
I might just go with something more traditional.
You know, like, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Boy, do I have gifts for you!" You have obviously worked with children.
Come on, Walter.
You'll be fine.
Oh, Doc, I don't even know if I brought the right gifts.
You can't go wrong with kids.
They love gifts.
See what you got here.
Ground beef? Go ahead.
Say it.
I should've bought pork.
Well, that's a close call, Walter.
Come on.
What else have you got? Tupperware.
Sure, I thought it goes with the beef.
You know, they'll use it to mix up some Swedish meatballs or The gifts are wrong.
Doc, I wanna give these kids something that's gonna make them happy but I don't know what to bring.
Walter, I'm gonna throw out something kind of crazy now.
Toys.
Toys? Toys.
Doc, that is so crazy, that just might work.
Here.
You guys can't fool me.
You're going to get my present.
- Nonsense, Ben, we're going to the - Blacksmith.
Carol needs new shoes.
Actually, we're going to return all of Mike's gifts.
- You take his Porsche.
- What? Oh, you guys.
Come on.
Just tell me what my present is.
That's between you and Santa.
I'm getting pretty sick of this particular folk hero.
- I wouldn't say that too loudly.
- Bye, guys.
- All right, bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Have fun.
- See you later.
Mike, Carol.
Carol, Mike.
Do you know what Christmas means to me? It means caring, sharing.
- We're not telling you, Ben.
- We're not telling you, Ben.
But I like your style.
Who do you have to talk to to get some hard facts around here? Well, I'd look for a fat man in a red suit.
- Mr.
Bodewell.
- Is your father here? - No, he stepped out for a minute.
- Would you like to come in and wait? No, I can't wait.
Okay, I'll tell him you were here.
Merry Christmas! He sure looked unhappy.
Mike, Carol.
Carol, Mike.
$1 for the hiding place.
Ben, that's hardly the Christmas spirit.
$10? Jingle bells, jingle bells I wasn't going to tell him, not for less than $20.
Who is up there? Who do you think? Whoa! Santa? Santa Claus! Wow, this is unbelievable! Get out of there, kid.
Look, I'm coming down.
I don't want you to see this.
Well, if it's any easier for you, you can throw my present down.
Present? Oh, okay, I'll give you a present.
Raw meat? You got a problem with that? Well, it wasn't my first choice.
Christmas Eve, a real "stuff your face" kind of holiday.
Come on, Ben.
Let's have some eggnog.
Mike! Carol! Santa's on the roof, and look what he gave me.
Raw meat? Ben, what are you talking about? Come on.
Santa, my brother and sister are here.
You got anything for them? Tupperware? Oh, it's for the young lady.
Would you please get out of there? Mr.
Bodewell? You got it.
Mr.
Bodewell, what are you doing up there? I'm gonna dive down your chimney, head first.
Oh, my God.
He's going to commit suicide in our fireplace.
Okay, I'm gonna call the cops.
No, no cops.
Okay, I didn't say "cops.
" I said "mops.
" Yeah, well, no mops, either.
Right, no mops.
Right, or cleaning supplies of any kind.
Mr.
Bodewell, just stay where you are.
I'll be right back.
I think you're supposed to keep him talking.
Even after he jumps? Mr.
Bodewell, why don't you come down and have some eggnog? I'm about to kill myself, you offer me eggnog? Well, it says here, "Festive for all occasions.
" Oh, Mike.
Okay.
Ben, your turn.
Mr.
Bodewell, even though you're not Santa, thank you for the meat.
I know I'll use it for years to come.
Come on, kid.
Admit it.
You hate the meat.
No, really, it's a child's dream come true.
Nice try, kid, but I know the truth.
You hate me.
Everybody! Everybody hates me! That's why I can't go on living.
But you have to go on living.
- Why? - Wait a second.
I'll tell you.
- Hey, what's that? - One of Dad's textbooks.
Mr.
Bodewell, I know that "a suicidal person" such as yourself "can only see things through a dark tunnel "but with proper counseling and long-term therapy "the patient can build his inner confidence, as outlined in Ferber's landmark study "Life Without Hope.
" Mr.
Bodewell? Mr.
Bodewell, are you there? Yeah, sure.
I didn't think you were finished reading.
Mr.
Bodewell, please don't jump.
Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus Right down Right down our chimney! What? Mr.
Bodewell's on the roof, and he's about to jump down the chimney! Oh, my God! Mr.
Bodewell? - Walter.
- Don't come near me, Doc.
I swear I'll dive.
Okay, don't worry.
I'll stay right here.
I just wanna talk to you.
Well, I don't wanna talk.
I wanna die.
Walter, your problems are temporary.
Death is permanent.
You jump, and there's no second Walter, what are you doing? I want to make sure I'm gonna fit.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna get stuck in there.
What happened this afternoon? The kids at the orphanage hated me.
Well, I find that hard to believe, Walter.
I mean, you played Santa to a bunch of 8-year-olds.
Could it be that you misinterpreted their response? You tell me.
"This Santa eats fruitcake.
" That's right.
A man on the roof, threatening to jump down the chimney.
Well, he's a rather large man in a red suit, with a white beard.
No, he doesn't have any reindeer.
Walter, I understand what you're going through.
Things look bleak for you right now, but you can't do this.
You're right.
Not with this jacket on.
I'm never gonna fit.
- Walter, your life is too valuable.
- Don't come near me.
Let's face it, Doc.
My life is a big zero.
I wake up every day, and I'm wondering why.
Divide the circumference by pi Why? Why me? Why was I chosen to be Walter Bodewell, the man whose destiny was to Damn, my batteries are dead.
Doc, would you please tell me one thing? - What, Walter? - What's 39 divided by 3.
1416? Walter, I'm not gonna help you with this.
Oh, well, fine.
Have it your way.
Walter.
Walter! Walter, you wanna be happy.
You don't wanna give up like this.
Why shouldn't I? Huh, Doc? You tell me.
Why shouldn't I give up? I mean, if I can't make it as Santa Claus with a bunch of 8-year-old orphans how am I supposed to make it as Walter Bodewell? Well, you work at it, Walter.
You chip away at each problem.
You speak from the heart occasionally without a prepared statement.
And then, when you listen back you know, you start to sound just like everybody else.
You're human, Walter.
That means occasionally you're gonna have some pain and sometimes you're gonna feel Ionely but if you just keep reaching out there's gonna be somebody there to lend you a hand.
Thanks, Doc.
Goodbye.
Walter! Oh, that's it.
That's it! - What's it? - I see it now.
Yeah, this is a good idea, Walter.
I'm gonna kill myself, too.
That's it.
You just have a problem and you jump down the chimney, Walter.
- No, you can't do that.
- Why not, Walter? It's my chimney.
What are you talking about? Walter, you think you're the only one with problems? Well, I got a problem, too, Walter 'cause I got a big guy on my roof I've been counseling for four years and he's threatening to kill himself because I can't talk him out of it.
I can't live with that on my conscience, Walter.
- No.
No! - Excuse me.
You mind if I go first? Doc, I'm not gonna let you do this.
You have a wife.
You have children.
Their Christmas is pretty much shot as it is.
You are crazy! Don't try to stop me, Walter.
No, Doc, I can't let you do this! Doc, quit whining.
It's really pathetic.
- It's not me.
- Well, what is it? So you bought a puppy for your kid for Christmas? He's been asking for one for years, so - I guess he found it a little early.
- Yeah.
What kind of puppy is it? Brown.
What is he doing? Licking my face.
- Ben, what are you - I used to have a dog.
I had a German Shepherd.
Was he a nice dog? Yeah.
He was the only guy who didn't get uncomfortable when he was around me.
I remember we used to have this great game we played together.
It was called "ball.
" You mean, you'd throw the ball, and he'd go fetch it? That would've worked, too.
What happened to him? He died.
Seventeen years ago.
He was the last person I ever lived with.
Were you sad? Yeah.
Did you cry? Yes.
Are you still gonna kill yourself? Ben.
I don't know.
Well, if you don't kill yourself, you can have my puppy.
Hello? Mr.
Bodewell? - Mom, what happened to him? - I don't know, honey.
Mr.
Bodewell? Dad? Jason? Jason? Yes? - Dad! - Dad! Mr.
Bodewell! - Jason, are you okay? - Yeah, I think we're okay.
- This is my puppy.
- He's a nice one.
Merry Christmas.
And now it's time for the opening of the Seaver family Christmas-Eve presents.
Oh, now, remember, I didn't buy any of these presents so if you don't like your present, it's not my fault.
- Walter.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, here.
- Yeah.
- Better.
Better.
Okay, this one's for Carol.
This one's for Mike.
"Dear Mike, this has been handed down in our family "for three generations to each man as he comes of age.
" A razor.
I think we better switch.
What, and break family tradition? Now one for Mom - and - Oh, thank you.
one for Dad.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
All right.
- "Most Improved Cook of the Year.
" - Yes.
That mean you all want me to make Christmas dinner? - No, thanks.
- It's okay, sweetheart.
- Thanks anyway.
- We love you.
Is this the exciting and romantic gift I've been waiting all day for? That's the one.
Here, let me show you how it works.
Let's see here.
Oh, Jason, they're beautiful.
Thank you, honey.
- Thank you.
- They look real, don't they? What do you mean, aren't they real? Ben, I'm so sorry.
There's no gift for you.
Do you want Nick back? No, Walter, he's yours.
Walter, why don't you check the bag? Maybe Santa left something for Ben.
- Yeah.
- No, it's empty.
Well, why don't you check it anyway? - There might be something there.
- Yeah.
No, really, it's empty.
See, we put the ground beef in the freezer Walter, check the bag.
- Oh, okay.
Here.
- Yes, I'll take him.
Okay.
- There you go.
- Oh, wow! There is a present for Ben.
- There is? - Yeah.
- Wow, a puppy for me.
- Yeah.
He looks just like Nick.
Well, thank you, all of you, for everything.
Nick is beautiful.
So is my puppy.
I think I'll name her Walter.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Well, Walter, we'll just leave this little snack for Santa Claus which is not to say that I believe in Santa Claus but in life, Walter, you'll find it pays to hedge your bets.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! English