Guys With Kids (2012) s01e12 Episode Script

"Guys with Kids" is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Hey! Hey Babe, the place looks great for your parents' visit.
Wow.
Got your mom some flowers.
She loves me.
Ha ha.
She did a painting of me in her art class.
She called it "My Sugar.
" Oh, I know.
But unfortunately, my mom's not gonna be able to make it this time.
What? No Vivian? But your dad is receiving an award from his law school.
How--how could she do this to him? And me? You know I can't handle your father without your mother.
Gary, I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, baby.
My dad loves you.
It's all in your head, like how you think the gap purposefully makes jeans that don't look good on you.
Baby, whenever I'm with your father I can feel his contempt.
Then I get self-conscious, and then my hands start moving around like they took a tai chi class and didn't tell me about it.
Where's Vivian? How could she do this to me? Vivian! See, right there.
That's the problem.
What? You're always hiding behind my mom.
You've never really made an effort to connect with him.
He has a lot of great interests.
He loves boats, anything to do with the space program.
Baby, this is the perfect opportunity for you two to bond.
My dad's got a tough demeanor, yes, but underneath all that he's a sweetheart.
All right, how long is he coming for? Five days.
Five days! Vivian! Why would you walk when you can run? ª evbody singin' wwoulou walk when you can run? I've come teturn your jogging stroller.
It turns out our clothes dry much faster on the treadmill.
How was your date the other day? Was she aggressive? 'Cause I hear single girls are really aggressive these days.
How come you never ask me about my dates? Actually, she bailed on me, but I already had the tickets, so I took-- Me.
No! Chris, when it scratches on the door, you're not supposed to let it in.
You make marshmallows look tan.
Your ex-wife was your date to the concert? Relax, it was not a date.
Yeah, definitely not.
Did you share a cab? We live in the same building.
Did you take her to dinner? We both had to eat.
Did you walk her to her door? Uh Did you or did you not walk her to her door? - Oh, my God! - We went on a date! Why would you guys do that? I don't know.
It wasn't intentional.
Dating is hard.
Yeah, men are intimidated by me.
Is it my brains? My courage? Both? Okay, Chris, let us set you up.
Yes, we are great matchmakers.
Oh, and, Sheila, we might know someone for you too.
Oh, that's nice, but I don't know how you would know someone I'd like.
You already tried this in college, Nick.
You set me up five times.
Each time, the woman was well over 6 feet tall.
Those were jokes.
They were joke dates.
And you gotta admit, as they got taller, it got funnier.
All right, this is serious.
We will not let you down.
Okay, but nobody over 6'5" this time, got it? I mean, quite honestly, if it's funny, I'm gonna do it.
Grandpa, I feel it.
I feel the bullet.
Me too.
Why did that man shoot you? A couple of reasons.
I'm a judge, and someone unplugged the metal detector so they could charge their iPhone.
Aunt Emily, you have to feel the bullet.
Come on, do it! Oh, that's so cool! Look at him, letting our friends touch his leg.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
You said you would talk to him.
Talk to him.
So, Judge, you pick up that new boating magazine? You know, there's a-- there's a big article in there about, uh Um, boats.
Huh? Nothing.
What was that? I promised her I'd make an effort towards her father even though I know he hates me.
He doesn't hate you.
Guys, would you please talk some sense into him? Oh, yeah, I mean, Marny's right, the judge is great.
He sent me a birthday card.
It said "have a good one.
" And I did, thanks to that card.
Okay, I got this.
All right.
Uh How 'bout that guy that jumped from outer space? What guy is that, Gary? Uh, you know, the guy-- he, uh You know, he went up on that balloon, and he just went up and then Pffft.
He wasn't in space.
He was at the edge of the atmosphere.
If he had been in space, he would have floated away, right? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
Uh Houston, we have a problem.
That's space talk, right? You ever been to Houston? I hear it's muggy.
Uh, come on, baby.
Let's go check on dinner.
Let's not hit him with too much Gary all at once.
Chris, since the last time I saw you, I hear you made partner.
Yeah, that's true.
And not to brag, but I am the 37th-youngest person at my firm to have done so.
A lawyer and a commercial director.
Because of that ad you made, Nick, I switched from soap to body wash.
I'm just glad you're thinking about me in the shower, Judge.
Well, you guys are doing great.
Professional, hardworking fathers.
Well, we take our inspiration from Gary.
Hardest-working father we know.
That was an amazing segue.
I was working on something.
You got there in one move.
I hear there's water on Mars now, so I guess they'll be needing boats.
Ten years and I still don't get him.
Just one time, I'd like to visit without that guy staring at me.
Sir, if I could be honest with you, I think that Gary's just nervous around you.
He's got this crazy idea in his head that for some reason, you just don't like him.
He's right.
I don't like him.
- You don't? - I just don't respect him.
- But, sir, Gary is an amazing-- - Ah, don't try and change my mind.
- it was my job for 30 years to judge people.
I know what I'm doing.
My verdict on Gary: He's not much of a man.
Now how can you say that? All right, who's hungry? My dad actually said that he doesn't like Gary? And has no respect for him.
None.
What? That's the new information.
That can't be right.
- It is right.
- No.
You have a blind spot where your father's concerned.
He can do no wrong in your eyes.
Other people shoot him, you know? He cannot treat you this way.
I'm going over to his hotel room right now to set him straight.
Oh, yeah, he'll respect me more if you run over there and tell pop-pop he made a boo-boo on my feelings.
All right, you know, I'd love to see him handle four screaming kids.
Now there's an idea.
Stick him with all four of your kids for ten minutes, he's gonna want to take that bullet out of his leg and put it in his head.
I am telling you, Jess from my spin class is the perfect girl for Chris.
They both say things are "too funny.
" I already have the perfect girl for Chris, Erica from work.
And why would your Erica be better than my Jess? Jess drives a car that runs on vegetable oil.
That is very interesting.
Because I have a gift.
Admit it, I am the real matchmaker between us.
Where did you get that from? Ahh! Ahh! Okay, you think it's all you? How 'bout we set Chris up with both Jess and Erica and see how each date goes? Then we can determine who the real matchmaker is.
Oh, it's on.
What are the rules? Two identical dates.
Same restaurant, same table, same seats.
We attend both.
Chris pays.
We're lending him our talent.
Absolutely.
If the date touches his arm, that's two points.
Oh, a point structure.
I like that.
If she touches his leg, that's five points.
First base, 15.
Ooh.
How many points would our first date have been? Like, 1,000.
Eh, don't feel bad.
We knew.
Thank you so much for getting us together.
Oh, it's just what a great matchmaker does.
I can't believe we both went to Camp Oscawana.
Who knew we had so much in common? I did.
I knew.
Did you know Chris' pants are a blend of wool and cashmere? Wow.
Touched the knee.
Five points, moi.
Did you know that Chris has a kid that he loves more than anyone? Are you comfortable never being more than a distant second in his heart? I get it.
I'm a single parent too.
My little cutie-pie's name is Doug.
Oh, my son is Ernie.
How old is Doug? In cat years.
Doug is a cat.
Doug is a cat.
Doug is a cat! Yes, that you think is a baby.
Okay, I love this.
Yes, tell me everything about Doug.
Do you have pictures? Yes.
Here's Doug at the renaissance fair.
Renaissance fair! He's in a tiny suit of armor.
No! How many points is that? - Negative ten.
- Negative ten.
Meow, meow.
Meow, meow.
Meow, meow, meow.
There is no bottom in sight.
How long you gonna leave my dad alone with the kids? Uh, an hour should do it.
Make it two.
I wanna teach him no one hates my husband.
Hmm.
Except for Natalie at the park.
Hey, if you don't discipline your child, I will do it for you.
All right.
Mwah.
So just me and you.
Oh, no, I forgot.
I thought we were gonna have such a great time to talk about space boats, but I realize I have to get diapers for the kids, which means I'm gonna have to take all four kids, and it's cold out, which means the kids will get sick, then I'll get sick, then Marny gets sick, then you'll get sick, and there's no solution to this problem.
You want me to babysit the kids for you? You think you can handle that? Yes, I think I can handle it.
Okay, great.
There you go.
Ah, come on, let's go up there.
And another one.
Collect 'em all.
All right, come over here and talk to my boys and let them know how I expect them to behave while I'm gone.
Listen, boys, I'm leaving you here with your grandfather, and this is what I need you to do.
I'm gonna need you to eat all of this sugar.
All right? I'm gonna need you to be on your worst behavior.
I mean, I'm talking at your cousin's baptism behavior.
You got it? All right, eat up.
All right.
Oh, one last thing.
These are bad for their teeth.
Wait, wait, wait, Gary.
Sorry, diapers.
Nope.
Bye.
Have fun! Whoo! - Shh shh shh.
- Agh! All right, all right, everybody calm down.
Leave your grand-- What's going on? Nothing.
Everything's fine.
They've been on their best behavior.
You've been on your best behavior with your grandpa? What did I tell you? We're sorry, Dad.
We couldn't help it.
Grandpa's the best.
You know what? I will deal with you two later.
Come on, go.
What was that all about? Why wouldn't you want them to be on their best behavior with me? All right, fine, look, the truth is I wanted you to see how hard it was to be a stay-at-home dad.
Why would you do that? Because you don't respect me because I stay home while your daughter works.
Wait, you think that's why I don't respect you? That's ridiculous.
The reason I don't respect you is because you don't respect me.
- What? - You know what? Vivian never wanted me to say anything, but she's not here, so I'm just gonna do it.
You never came to me and asked my permission to marry my daughter, like a man should.
How can I respect that? I'm going back to my hotel room and finish watching (500) Days of Summer.
I cannot believe you survived a shark attack.
I've got 17 stitches under here and another 30 behind the knee.
Wow.
Peek under the shirt.
That's gotta be worth at least 40 points.
You know, I would just like to make a toast to Nick for setting this all up.
A toast.
Five points.
Plus a dreamy look.
That's another seven points.
Times two for the combination.
Um, Erica, I have an extra ticket to go see Book of Mormon next Friday.
I was wondering if you'd like to come with me.
Oh, um, well, thanks, but no.
- Oh.
- What? Tonight was nice, and you seem like a really great guy, but I'm just at that point in my life where I'm getting a little older, and I don't wanna waste time and talk myself into things I don't want.
And the truth is, you're just a little too hairy for me.
You know, if you still want to go to Book of Mormon as friends I do not.
He could shave, you know? Let me take him home, shave him tonight, we'll do this whole thing again tomorrow.
Game over.
Too hairy.
How did it go? Were the kids merciless? No, we raised them too well.
They're only merciless with us.
But I did get to the bottom of it.
Your dad doesn't like me because I never asked him for permission to marry you.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
That's crazy! You didn't ask him because I told you not to.
I hate the idea of fathers marrying off their daughters.
He can't give me away.
I'm not a goat.
No, you're not.
You're a tigress.
Gary, we are not having sex right now.
Eh, thought I'd give it a shot.
You know, I'm feeling a little frustrated.
Chris, come on.
We cannot figure out the points.
Help us settle this thing.
Who won? My girl, who you liked-- Who thinks you're a sasquatch.
Or my girl-- Who texted you a photo of her pretending to breast-feed her cat.
Guys, stop, okay? Nobody won tonight, and the only loser here is me.
So I'm glad that you have each other and that you're having fun with my life, but I'm not.
Wow.
You're really bumming me out right now.
Chris, we are so sorry.
You are absolutely right.
We do want you to find someone that makes you happy.
Thank you.
We do.
We do.
But I also want you to find someone that will benefit me in some way, like a doctor or a local bartender.
You know, I cannot pay $20 for a drink anymore.
I won't pay $20.
All right, I'm here.
What couldn't you have told me on the phone? I'm taking you on a journey back to 2002.
My baby don't s around because she ls me and this I know forre Gary, what's going on? Where's Marny? Where are the kids? Well, I don't have any kids.
Marny and I aren't even married yet.
It's 2002, remember? Jimmy Carter just won the Nobel peace prize, we lost musician Joe Strummer, and I'm ten years away from looking up those facts on Wikipedia.
Is there a point you're trying to make? Yes.
I'm going back to the year that I fell madly in love with your daughter, a remarkable woman whose mix of brains and attitude scared the crap outta me.
But I knew I had to make her my wife.
Uh-huh.
Go on.
Well, Mr.
Baines, as you know, Marny and I are getting pretty serious, so I reckon that one day-- You reckon? Come on, man, I've never done this before.
I know.
Sir, I love your daughter.
She's my best friend, and I'm a better person with her in my life, and I will do everything within my power to keep her safe and happy.
So I'm here to ask for her hand in marriage.
Mr.
Baines, will you grant me permission to marry your daughter? No.
Come on, man, what do you mean no? - No.
- No? Hey, hey.
What's going on here? I just asked your father permission to marry you and he told me no.
Gary, I told you I didn't want you to ask for his permission.
Not then, not now, not ever.
Wait, you told him not to ask me? Yeah.
I'm not yours to give away.
I'm not a goat.
No, she's a tigress.
It's just a sign of respect.
Dad, I'm sorry that it hurt your feelings, but it's not what I wanted.
What I admire about you the most is that while you're the very definition of old-fashioned, you raised your daughters to be as strong and independent as any man.
Hmm.
And I love you for that.
Well, I am a good father.
The best.
Top two.
Gary You could have told me she told you not to, but you didn't, because you put Marny's feelings over mine, and I have to respect that.
Thank you.
So you like me now? I said I respect you now.
That's good enough, Dad.
Judge.
Judge Dad? Judge Judge.
I miss Vivian.
You know, let's not leave her at home next time.
Hey! Hey! Hey, come here.
Come here! Yeah! Ah.
Now he has a little cold tonight, so have fun trying to get to sleep.
Still be more fun than my dates.
Oh, well, don't give up.
Remember our first date wasn't so great.
The picnic? Ew.
That's right.
Oh, and then we got divorced.
Listen, Chris, as hard as dating is, we can't give up.
There is someone out there who will love you the way you deserve.
Thanks.
"And there's someone out there for you too," is what you were supposed to say.
Um, there's somebody out there-- - okay, no, no, it's too late.
Have a good night.
Although you won't, because he also has a tooth coming in.
So bye-bye.
Ha ha.