Happy Endings s01e12 Episode Script

Yes, sir.
Correct, sir.
Absolutely, sir.
Your bed's already made, sir.
You turning this into a bed-and-breakfast? My pops is coming into town.
Oh.
ls he still the most terrifying dad on the face of the planet? Mm-hm.
Guys, he's not that scary.
He pulled a sword on me at your wedding.
Okay.
First of all, he was in full military dress.
Second, you drove my grandma's Rascal into a pool.
Your grandma and l were going shot for shot, and l was-- Ugh! You know that guy Jeremy that l thought was so amazing? He just pexted me.
- Hm? - Pext? Penis text.
Oh, oh, oh.
Whoa, that is small.
Alex and l are in such a boy slump.
Whoa, whoa.
Back up.
l am not in a slump.
- l'm not even trying to date anyone.
- Girl slumps do not exist.
Do you want to know a foolproof way for a girl to break a slump? Step one, decide to have sex.
Step two, have some sex.
Oh, women be shopping, women be shopping.
They do.
It's not about intercourse.
It's about meeting someone who is cool and nice, and if intercourse happens to take place, no complaints.
Maybe you're in a slump because you keep using the word ''intercourse.
'' - Know what Jane calls intercourse? - No.
Oh, boy.
Doing the straight up-- Beep! Beep! Beep! La, la, la.
--in sexy time valley.
Unh! Really? Do you want me to pext him back? lf you're gonna do that, give it to Brad.
Max, just calling to make sure you remember the toilet paper, the bread, and we're almost out of ketchup.
l got none of that crap, but guess what l did get.
Oh, no, he didn't.
Oh, yes, he did.
Aren't we a little old for toys? On the box, it says ''ages 8 and up.
'' That's us.
l work all day.
l buy all the groceries.
l do all the cooking.
And l appreciate that.
You're like my mom, but hotter.
Come on, man.
l was really counting on that toilet paper.
Well, then, why don't you clean your Charlie Sheen with this? My turn.
What? What? l'm out of bullets! Out of bullets too! What do we do? We call that homeless Swede down the block and tell him to be our ammo jockey! We could just pick them up off the TV.
Yeah, l don't want Gunther in my house.
What do you want to do with your dad? He's got to go bed early.
He has to go to the hospital for some tests tomorrow.
What kind of tests? MRl, CAT scan, EKG, routine stuff.
Routine? Yeah, sure, no.
My morning routine is a cup of coffee, a mammogram and a camera up my va-Jane-a.
Are you sure everything is okay? Totally.
lf it wasn't, he would have talked to me.
Really? Because l kind of feel like you guys don't talk that much.
Seven-thirty.
No.
Scottie Pippen.
More than just ''What time is the Bulls game? Are you going? lf you had to sleep with one Bull, who?'' Okay.
First of all, that's not what he asked me.
But if he did, the answer is B.
J.
Armstrong.
You don't get that name for nothing.
Clean it up.
What? His arms are strong.
He might be scared about these tests.
You should really talk to him about it.
Fine.
lf it'll make you feel better, l'll talk to him, if there's an opening.
Great.
And stop cleaning.
The place looks great.
Why you getting all Jane on me? Heh.
Why do you keep putting your name in every sentence? Because that's how l Jane.
Ha.
No.
Okay, my dad is always on time, so he should be here in approximately 3, 2, 1 Uh Sorry l'm late.
Hi, Francis.
Uh Hmm.
Oh, bags.
Okay, we are breaking the slump.
l feel good about tonight.
Heh.
Excuse me, ladies.
These ribs are from the gentleman across the bar.
- And l feel less good.
- Who sends over ribs? We're turning this into a drinking game, okay? We'll talk to as many guys as we can.
First sign of creepiness, we take a shot.
l love it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How about we retire to my apartment, where we can enjoy what the French call sauvignon blanc? It's not sexist if it's racist.
Then we can do what the French call the three-way sex.
l'm always thinking about what's next for me in the afterlife.
Boom, boom, bing, bam.
Sarah Palin, if she were black.
You don't know what you're-- Forget it.
l'm getting a no from this side.
A maybe? Everybody dance now Wow.
There are zero cool guys.
Slump continues.
l don't know.
l'm kind of rethinking the rib guy.
Do you need a wet nap? This is the way l eat them.
l can't watch this.
Take it down like a champ.
So, Brad, here we all are.
Great time to ask people how people are feeling about things that are happening.
Mm.
Yeah, dad, l wanted to ask you how you felt about, um that new '91 Bulls documentary.
l very much enjoyed it.
It's nice to go back to the days when basketball meant more than getting neck tattoos and shooting your pistol off in the club.
Or passing around a Kardashian.
What's that? - Uh, these girls on a sex tape-- - So, Francis, doctors are looking under the old hood tomorrow.
How you feeling about that? You always worry a little bit.
It's only natural.
l'll be all right.
Totally.
Well, l'm gonna turn in.
Got a busy day tomorrow.
Jane.
Goodnight.
Bradley.
What the hell was that? What? Did you see me making the opening gesture? Oh, that's what that was? l thought you were separating two boxing mice.
That's what you thought this was? Heh.
Oh, yeah, now l see it.
Yeah, the little white one? Yeah, and the brown guy over here.
Little boxing gloves.
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
What's that one's name? Mice Tyson.
Mice Tyson? So cute.
l love them.
Anyway, he gave you an opening.
l mean, it was a clear shot.
Why didn't you take it? My dad and l are fine.
Have you and your father ever even said ''l love you'' to each other? We don't have to say it, because we show it by not saying it.
Like how the mountains ever say it to the sea, yet the sea knows? Ever think about these things before you say them or Yeah, l do.
l think, wow, that's brilliant.
l should say that out loud, and l say it out loud and it's spectacular.
It exceeds my expectations.
Right.
l'm drunk.
Oh, tonight was a bust.
Let's go.
l DVR'd that new weight loss show for clairvoyants, Large Mediums.
Whoa, pump the brakes, sister.
Two gorgeous guys, incoming.
Hello, kind sirs.
Hello.
You two are very beautiful, but sadly we don't speak English.
Hello.
You two are very beautiful, but sadly we don't speak English.
Of course.
They only speak gibberish.
We finally meet two super cute guys and they only speak Italian.
What incredibly bad luck! What incredibly bad luck! Wait a minute.
You speak Italian? Wait a minute.
You speak Italian? l wish l did, because you are very handsome.
l wish l did, because you are very handsome.
But, unfortunately, l do not speak Italian.
But, unfortunately, l do not speak Italian.
Oh, my God, l speak a lot of Italian! Still gibberish.
You don't say ''l love you'' to your dads, right? All the time.
When l need money, so all the time.
Because Jane says l need to open up to my dad about feelings and stuff.
lf we're gonna have this emo conversation, l'm gonna need you to put on the hat.
Oh, fine.
There you go.
Oh, buddy, look.
lf it's really a concern for you, just tell him that you love him.
Life is uncertain.
One minute you're talking about your dad going into the hospital for some tests and stuff and the next minute, this happens.
Oh! Come on, guys.
Not my sex nose.
Tests came back fine.
You're lucky to have such a healthy father.
That's great news.
Thank you.
Jane, l've been thinking about what you said, and l feel like this is the perfect opening for me to tell him l love him.
You got to do it.
l love you, dad.
Why are you saying that to me? You never said that to me before.
Why you doing this with your chest? Are they gonna cut me open? Am l gonna die? No.
Am l gonna die? l can't die! l got stuff l got to do! Am l gonna die, doc? So l said ''l love you'' to my dad and it almost killed him.
Never doing that again.
He just had a panic attack.
He's fine.
It's good that you guys said ''l love you'' to each other.
Yeah.
Funny story, though.
He never actually said it back to me.
But, you know, it's okay.
He's my dad.
He's a really reserved guy.
Good morning, party people! Huh? l feel amazing.
l feel like l'm alive for the first time and l got something to say.
Brad? Yeah? l love this track suit.
Man, it is so comfortable, so much dangle room.
Look at that.
Hey, look.
Can l buy this from you? Dad, you can have it.
You'd do that for me? Of course.
Brad, l love this track suit so much.
It just feels so good.
You know what l want to do? Some racketeering? l want to live.
Okay.
Come on.
Let's go get jiggy with stuff.
Now l'm gonna go upstairs and throw away my non-track style suits because this is my new look.
We gonna go get crunk.
l'm doing crunk.
Those are weird moves.
See? He's opening up.
Yeah, to track suits and '90s slang.
Ugh, l am so hungover.
Me too.
And l'm like weirdly full.
You ate a half slab of ribs last night, chased it with a full slab.
You busted out fluent Italian.
l did, didn't l? So l said to him, ''You want me to get in a Jacuzzi with prostitutes?'' So l said to him, ''You want me to get in a Jacuzzi with prostitutes?'' ''Who am l? Silvio Berlusconi?'' ''Who am l? Silvio Berlusconi?'' You did spend that semester in Florence.
Maybe some of that Italian actually sunk in.
Ah, the sweet Chianti-soaked nights strolling the banks of the Arno, meeting amazing people from all over the Big Ten.
All right.
Stop bragging.
lf l could speak it last night, why don't l understand any of this? l mean, it's like a mystery.
Chinese, but it's actually Italian.
Yeah.
l mean, what's different from last night? l don't know, but l got to figure it out because l really like this guy.
Oh, you say that a lot.
l mean, what changed? l'm still the same old me.
l'm just not hammered.
Yep, that's it.
Can we get a round of mimosas, please? Oh, come on.
Okay, that sounds cool.
Hey, mambo Mambo Italiano Hey, hey, mambo Mambo Italiano Mm.
Go, go, go You mixed-up Siciliano Mm.
Okay, ''ciao'' is ''hello.
'' ''Pennisima'' is ''Little Penny.
'' That's all l got.
Drink! Fast service, l love her.
Yes.
They're quick.
So sweet.
So cute.
So pretty.
Ifyou're gonna be a square You ain't a-gonna go nowhere Hey, mambo Ma'am! She's a bitch.
When you mambo Italiano ''Hello, Penny.
Please meet us at the same time and place tonight.
Bring your friend.
'' Oh, my God.
When l get drunk, l speak Italian.
Oh, my God.
When l get drunk, l eat ribs! So did you have fun last night? Yeah, sort of.
Hey, now let's talk to some women.
Trying to have sex with them.
Heh, okay.
Not my thing, but okay.
Dad, please stop.
Ever since your mom left, man, l'm super horny.
It make it hard to drive.
Ugh.
Oh, God.
MAX & DAVE: Ha, ha, ha.
It was fine when he never said he loved anything, but last night he was dropping L bombs all over the place.
Not one of them hit me.
Brad, l really love - your friends.
- Yeah.
Ha, ha.
My new dad.
It stings a bit.
l know, but l bet if you say it to him again, he'll say it right back.
You just need to create the right moment.
You should take the day off work and you should take him on a dad date.
Okay, but l'm not calling it that.
Dad date sounds like a terrible Michael Keaton movie.
Or an amazing Ted Danson movie.
My child arrived Just the otherday He came to the world In the usual way But there were planes to catch And bills to pay He learned to walk While I was away And he was talking Before I knew it And as he grew he'd say Hey, what are you doing? You know I'm gonna be like you Hey, come here.
Come back here.
And the cat's in the cradle And the silverspoon Little boy blue And the man in the moon When you coming home Damn.
Come back.
Gonna have a good time then Dad, that was the best day ever.
l loved everything about it.
Anything or anyone in particular that you loved today? Nope.
Tip to tale, l loved the day.
Here you go, gentlemen.
Oh, no, look at this.
He brought us the lobster mash and the creamed spinach.
This guy, come here, bring it in, bring it in.
Really? What? You hugging waiters now? Brad.
Look, Dad, l love the new Fran, but it kind of bothers me that the new Fran loves everything and everyone except me.
It was super tough to say ''l love you, '' and you didn't say it back.
ln my defense, l thought l was having a heart attack.
Besides, you know how l feel about you.
l mean, what says ''l love you'' more than setting off firecrackers? Saying ''l love you''? Okay, fine.
Let's try it again.
Fine.
Dad, l love you.
Dad? Daddy? Dad, it's okay.
l'm emotional too.
Wow, l don't think l've ever seen you cry before.
It's a huge breakthrough.
l know you like the steak.
That's why l brought you here.
Oh, my God.
Sir? It's good stea-- Thank God.
You saved my life.
No, no.
Don't move those big strong arms.
Bring it in, bring it in.
Hey! Get your own damned daddy.
Penny's out with the italians again.
Did they want you to go with them? l don't think they like me.
Hey, l'm Mario! l'm gonna win.
Why would l wanna be there if l can't understand anything? You said the same thing when you tried to drop out of eighth grade.
Can we focus on what's important, which is that l've run out of cool things to shoot? Sixteen, 1 7, 18, 19 No! No teen.
Twenty.
Thanks.
l can't get myself up.
Dave.
l can't do it! You can do it.
Going down! Aren't you guys a little old to be playing with toys? Honestly? Oh, you got to be kidding me.
There's a total chotch across the street sniffing a hot girl's shoe.
That's Avi from the vitamin store.
Notice the candles and the mini kimono? Yeah.
He thinks of everything.
Gentlemen, we have our next target.
Hi.
Hello, my sweet Penny.
Good morning.
Hello, my sweet Penny.
Good morning.
Hm.
This morning l woke from a dream This morning l woke from a dream, only to find myself in a sweeter dream.
only to find myself in a sweeter dream.
Penny.
You are a bright spot in a dark and desolate world You are a bright spot in a dark and desolate world marred by personal tragedy.
marred by personal tragedy.
Mm.
My father was a cruel drunk who used to beat me with a belt.
My father was a cruel drunk who used to beat me with a belt.
Stop it.
Oh Finally, one day his belt broke Finally, one day his belt broke, but the next day he came home with a new belt but the next day he came home with a new belt, a championship belt from an amateur boxing competition.
a championship belt from an amateur boxing competition.
There was nothing amateur about the beating l took that night.
There was nothing amateur about the beating l took that night.
Mm.
Mm-hm.
Penny, why must you laugh at my sadness? Penny, why must you laugh at my sadness? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
l can't believe we've been shooting at mini-kimono guy for an hour and a half and we haven't hit him.
Sidebar.
l can't believe he's been having sex for an hour and a half.
The window is closing.
He's closing his window! We're missing our shot.
Well, l guess that's it.
There's one thing left to do.
Clean the house? Watch Large Mediums? No.
Another thing.
God, l love that guy.
- He's gonna get caught.
- No way.
My boy Max is super stealthy.
Pull down the window.
Pull it down.
- Now it's go time.
- Yes.
All right, Dave.
This is it.
Take the shot.
Oh.
Uh-- And we're going to prison.
A little early to be drinking, no? A little early to be drinking, no? Especially right after l told you Especially right after l told you how my father used to beat me when he was drunk.
how my father used to beat me when he was drunk.
Wait.
What now? Wait.
What now? Did you not listen? Did you not listen? He beat me mercilessly He beat me mercilessly until he himself was defeated until he himself was defeated by the one opponent by the one opponent his fists could not defeat: cirrhosis of the liver.
cirrhosis of the liver.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Penny, don't throw your life away with drink.
Penny, don't throw your life away with drink.
But l'm doing this for you! For us! But l'm doing this for you! For us! And now you mock me with the very words my father And now you mock me with the very words my father used to say while he beat me? used to say while he beat me? Penny, farewell.
Penny, farewell.
Wait! l really like you.
Wait! l really like you.
You're the only normal guy l've met in-- You're the only normal guy l've met in-- Oh, my-- This was an incredible trip.
Saw Millennium Park, did a little shopping, almost died twice.
Yup.
You know, this experience made me realize that l need to live a little.
Sure do.
Maybe not quite this much.
Absolutely.
It also made me realize l need to say ''l love you'' to my son.
Aw.
Yes.
Shucks.
Oh, l'm gonna leave you two.
That should hold her for a while.
Good.
Yeah.
You know, l really do love you.
Just saying it isn't my thing.
That's cool.
My thing is gonna be track suits and light to moderate strip clubbing.
Less cool.
Bring it in, bring it in.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- This is bad.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, no.
There's Mrs.
Klein.
Oh, my God.
Did Mrs.
Klein get hurt? Oh, no.
No one was hurt in the fire.
She fell and shattered her pelvis six days ago.
ln fact, if it wasn't for the fire, the poor thing would have starved to death.
Wow.
Gotta be a lesson here.
Yeah.
You were right.
We're too old to be playing with toys.
No, man.
We're kind of heroes here.
My mini kimono! It's ruined! It's ruined! Check that.
We're super heroes.
Tri-five.
How's it going? l'm Max.
Hey, all right.
You guys are doing good work, doing the Lord's work.
Anybody want to get a drink after? Rosalita's? Hey, that hose looks heavy.
Ooh, the doctor is in.
Ha-ha-ha.
l just brewed up a batch of some pomegranate kombucha.
Oh, don't mind if l do.
You know, so glad that we met at the vitamin store.
Oh.
Tell me, what's your favorite supplement? Mm, well, if l had to pick just one-- Oh, yeah? l'd say Vitamin D.
Mm, good choice.
But if l had to pick another one on the list, l'd definitely say Vitamin Sex.
Ooh, l take that one daily.
Ha-ha.
Ooh, yes.
Let's crank up some Enya.
Hurry back.
See you in hell, Avi.
Oh! Ow.
Oh.
Yeah, right in the sex nose.