I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e12 Episode Script

1 The only girl I've actually liked - in forever was Jane.
- Jane.
Yeah, steals your pants, leaves a fake number, Jane.
I'm gonna go surprise Brett at his weekly shuffleboard game.
I'll be like, "hey, Brad, I missed you.
" I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out with me.
Yes.
I mean Sure.
Thanks again for meeting me.
As I learned in the Cornell career center, I should close by reiterating how much I love your site, and that my background reviewing bands for the school paper would make me a solid editorial assistant.
Oh, really? How solid? Very solid.
Nonporous solid.
Solid like a rock.
Okay, thanks for coming in so early, Jason.
Uh, we got an 8:30 to go to, so We'll be in touch.
Jesus.
How tired of interviewing these kids are you? - I'm done.
- Really? You don't wanna hear another candidate talk about how they wrote album reviews for their heralded school newspaper? We know what we want.
Come on, let's just call and get the hire started.
Can I wash my hands first? Unlike you, I don't love canker sores.
Nope, I'm dialing.
[Call buzzing.]
[Phone ringing.]
[Call buzzing.]
[Phone ringing.]
Hello, this is Jason.
Jason, you in here? Uh, hi.
Did I just get the job? Or am I on, like, the worst hidden camera show ever? I don't usually answer the phone But, yeah, we'd like to hire you.
Finish up and, uh, find Gavin, our assistant.
Classic.
Congrats in there, dude.
Thanks.
I Look forward to working with you guys.
Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, finally! Oh, whoo! Mm What's up, rip van winkle? I was about to put a mirror under your nose.
I didn't have an alibi if you died in the middle of the night.
Mm, how long have you been up? 'Bout an hour.
You know, early bird gets the worm.
Who wants worms? I'd rather dream of an entire world made of cheese.
Well, today, this early bird got us some sweet dinner reservations at Marlowe and sons on open table.
I'm gonna take you out tonight and ply you with some quality meats.
Uh Cool.
I didn't have plans tonight, so that Sounds fun.
Thanks.
Whoa.
I didn't realize you were making my place into a B & B, Paul.
How much food did you buy? Well, eggs come by the dozen and bread comes by the loaf.
We can eat the rest later this week, right? Yeah.
Right.
Hey, sweetie.
So, um, any new thoughts on med school? Yeah.
I just thought about how I got an "a" in bio in the 10th grade.
Then in college, picked pre-med as a major 'cause I already had some science credits.
Next thing I know, my life is planned to infinity, and I have no idea if being a doctor is what I ever even wanted.
Okay.
Don't be mad, but I set up something to try to help you remember why you love medicine.
I invited Professor Wilkens over for dinner.
No, way.
Wilky? He's the coolest.
- Thanks, babe.
- And, er This is your decision.
I'm just trying to help.
Whatever you decide, I totally support you.
Yay, Jay! Oh, yeah, I know.
I can't believe I'm gonna have a real job.
Well, we have no choice.
We have to go out tonight and drink until our livers turn black.
Isn't lench having that party for the all natural's tenth issue or whatever? Let's go drink his free booze and vomit on his fake glasses.
Both: [Laughing.]
Hey.
Hey, Paul.
Oh, Paul, this is my friend Jay.
Nice to finally meet you.
Tina's barely mentioned you or what good friends you are, or how a girl named Jane stole your pants.
Oh, so she fully detailed my shame, huh? You know, I could do the same uh, but you won't.
Uh, Paul, young Jay here just got himself a new job.
Awesome.
Per our friendship, I am required to take him out tonight and pour whiskey down his throat until he has sex with an obese girl, so unfortunately, I have to cancel tonight's meat-fest.
Oh, okay.
Totally.
Or, uh, I'd love to go with you two and buy a celebratory round, if that's okay.
Oh, yeah, sure, dude, that'd be great.
Cool.
I'm excited for you, man.
I'll see you later, T.
T? He's P, I'm T.
That's super cool.
Wait, that sounded sincere rather than mocking.
- I meant the latter.
- Yeah, I got it.
Eric's gonna be a hobo.
He's not gonna be a hobo, Stace.
Don't be neurotic, perky one.
Your boyfriend is very smart.
Plus, he has those full, pillowy lips.
Even as a homeless, he would Flourish.
Exactly.
He'll be great at anything.
- Maybe he'll create an app.
- Ugh.
Wilky better come through.
Okay, what's going on with you and Paul? I don't know.
He's weird.
Like this morning, he bought all these eggs.
Like it was just assumed we'd be eating omelets together all week.
Oh, God, he bought you eggs? - What a creep.
- You know what I mean.
And tonight I'm supposed to take Jay out to celebrate, - and he just glommed on.
- Wait.
Loose one, you have a boyfriend? Pigs fly over frozen hell.
I see what's happening here.
You've just never been with a nice, normal guy before.
You're used to hipster jerks like Brett, guys who text you at midnight for a date at 1:00 A.
M.
Ah, Brett.
We were destined to fail.
I mean, he has a tattoo of the word "tattoo.
" Actually, he's been texting me again the last few weeks.
Anyway, and he's cool, you know? We had really good sex.
We fit together well, like human legos.
Ew.
Teen, look.
You and Paul could have a real relationship.
Just give it a chance.
Tonight will be fun, you'll see.
Yeah.
Alcohol plus me is usually a giggle, right? [Doorbell rings.]
They're here.
All: Hi.
- Great to see you, Stacey.
- Great to see you.
- This is my girlfriend, Sara.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi, Sara.
- There he is.
Medium-sized man on campus.
- Wilky, how are you, good sir? - Eric? Sara, wha uh, what are you doing here? Bradley said "former student.
" I didn't realize This is weird.
Did you two have a class together, or We, uh, kind of dated freshman year.
Huh, that's funny.
Small world.
Yeah, small world Entirely populated by men Sara slept with.
Bradley, don't do this again.
And you don't do everyone again.
Well, hey, why don't we open this, uh this puppy up and let her breathe, huh? [Bluegrass music playing.]
I know this is bad, but every time I see a dude still wearing one of those yellow rubber bracelets, I just assume he's lost a testicle.
All this ball talk's making me thirsty.
You guys need another? Sorry about the static cling.
What are you talking about? Paul.
He's suffocating me.
This is your night.
It should be me and you playing "jerk or dork" and getting hammered.
We can still do that.
Uh Jerk or dork.
She thinks she's a jerk, but she's really only a dork.
Look, I'm just saying, I'm sorry Paul glommed on.
He's cool.
If you don't date him, I will.
Just don't have a panic attack.
Okay, to my new friend Jay, my new girl, Tina, and to the good old U.
S.
of a, am I right? Wow, you must really like the refreshing taste of vodka.
I prefer it to regular potatoes.
Sure, we can share.
J-bone, Tina Handsome guy.
All right, glad you guys made it.
All naturals is financially solid For at least six months.
- Good for you, lench.
- Thanks, man.
Listen, you guys have any aspirin? I have serious cunnilingus neck.
No? No worries, I'll stretch it out.
Teen, who is this adorable little dumpling? - Uh, he's Uh - Jason? I thought that was you.
Jane.
Hey.
We meet again.
We do, and I think I might be wearing the same shirt as the first time we met.
I don't remember.
I just remember it coming off pretty fast.
You were a little bit of a Whore.
No, I was a gentleman.
Historically, whores cost money, and what we did was completely free of charge.
Or maybe you have a really weak pimp.
Yeah, he's an emaciated hipster.
He doesn't bitch slap anyone.
He just writes, like, very mean texts.
[Laughing.]
Uh, you wanna get another drink and catch up? That sounds great.
[Mouthing words.]
So that was the Jane? Crazy, right? Yeah.
Hey, can I see that for a sec? - Thanks.
- Uh, maybe you should Slow down a little bit, teen.
It's bad form to puke before midnight.
It depends on how you do it, you know? If you do it, like, charming All good.
I'm just saying that look, Paul, I've been drinking alcohol way before I met you, just like I've been surviving without a "make your own omelet" station in my kitchen.
Okay.
Isn't that weird? [Laughing.]
It is weird.
Can I be serious for a minute? Are we gonna talk politics? Because I'm big on the tea party, let's just get that out there.
So I've barely been thinking about this, but, um We had this amazing night.
I mean, my crisper will never be the same.
- It was pretty amazing.
- Really? Or are you just saying that because you got a free pair of pants? You still have those, you know.
Don't worry, they're safe.
I washed them.
You didn't dry them, did you? Because they shrink.
- [Laughing.]
- Anyway.
The next morning, after our amazing night, you gave me a fake phone number.
Why? No.
It's, oh my twos, they they look like fives sometimes.
Trust me, I tried that.
I tried, like, every possible combination.
I was like a very romantic hacker.
You were? Yeah.
Ugh, there's just healthy crap in here.
- Hey! - Tina, what's going on? Ooh! I'm partying.
I'm keeping up my end of the social contract that says when one is invited to a party, one should be jovial.
I'm jovializing the crap out of this place.
Okay, well, pretty soon, I'm gonna be picking little pieces of jovial out of your hair.
I know what you're doing, Tina.
This was your and Jason's thing.
Maybe I shouldn't have come.
- Maybe.
- Nice.
Well, you're clearly in no shape to have this conversation right now.
I'm in the best shape of my life.
Wanna have a push-up contest right now? No, I'm leaving.
Here's 20 bucks.
Just take a cab.
Text me when you get in, so I know you're okay.
- Bye.
- Whatever.
So, Professor Wilkens, Eric really respects you, - and I was hoping - so How long did you two date for? Uh, it really wasn't a big deal.
It was for me.
I'm from a small town.
You were my first Urban lover.
Oh, Jesus.
College.
So long ago.
Crazy times.
Anywho, so Professor Wilkens, uh, Eric has been having some doubts about med school.
That's normal, right? - Nope.
- Eric.
Come on, you are, like, so destined to be a doctor.
"Like, so destined to be a doctor.
" - Who talks like that? - Young people? Oh, you mean like urban Eric? Yep.
Or anyone who can stay up past 11:00 and doesn't need to plan one to two hours ahead before sex.
Um More vino? Our all-natural specialty cocktail is organic potato alcohol with local sparkling spring water.
Yeah, vodka soda.
Thanks.
Oh, hello.
You got here fast.
Did your penis drive? Yeah, he's like Jeff Gordon.
Literally balls to the wall.
It's been a long time, teen.
You look great.
Really glad you finally got back to me.
So everything jiggy? There are so many annoying words coming out of that hole below your nose.
Why do we always end up in these weird, cramped spaces? I'm sure there's Some psychological rationale.
We're returning to the womb, or something.
Never say womb to a girl you're making out with.
Okay, got it.
J-bone? Nice.
I might shed a tear here.
My little boy's finally becoming a man.
Mazel tov.
Close the door, lench.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Mm, it's a little hot in here, though.
You should helicopter your junk, get it going like a propeller? Creates a cooling breeze.
Chicks dig it.
- Get out.
- Both of us, or just her? You're private people.
I get it.
As we were? Oh, maybe we should go back to my apartment? No, I can't.
I-I gotta get home early.
Your place is also good.
No, no, no, I just can't.
I have a boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
I have a boyfriend, Jay.
So, to be clear, by "boyfriend," you mean a human male who might wanna punch me - in the neck? - It's complicated.
We've been together since I was 20, and it it's been hard For a while.
- So the fake number.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, look.
There's something here, and and and it totally freaks me out, but it also really makes me wanna see where it goes.
I just know that I like you, and I don't want the night to end yet.
Yeah, me neither.
Let me make a quick call, and then maybe we go to your place and we just we just see what happens, okay? Yeah.
That sounds nice.
[Bluegrass music playing.]
You taste like fancy cheese.
That's the second most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey, we're kind of putting on a show here.
What do you say we bounce back to my place? - Okay.
- Um I'm on my bike.
I'll just meet you there.
You're cool to walk, right? Oh, hey, will you pick up some ice cream on your way? And by ice cream, you mean frogurt? You know me well.
[Hip-hop music playing.]
We never listen to good music.
Bradley likes jazz.
You can't dance like this to jazz.
Uh, Wilky, there's something I really wanna talk to you about.
Were you ever conflicted about med school? I was never conflicted about med school.
I am, however, conflicted right now.
Should I stay with the 23-year-old slut, or do I go back to my wife? Do you think I'm being slutty? Little bit.
Maybe because all we ever do is hand things.
'Cause Wilky's got a silky.
What does that even mean? You insult yourself when you try to insult me.
You are merely a dumb animal built for fornication.
Am I? Prove it.
It's not silky anymore, is it? It's like a mahogany walking stick.
Okay, that's enough.
Well, that was a disaster.
Look, er, I know I said I'd be fine with whatever you decide - But - But I think you'd be a really amazing doctor, and that if you leave med school, you'll be really, really mad at yourself.
I just have to say that, okay? Okay.
[Buzzer.]
Hello.
Tina regrets to inform you that she will not be having intercourse with you tonight, but she offers this fro-yo in her place.
Gratuity not included.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I, um I bought eggs.
They're not organic, and, uh, I got them at this really sketchy deli, so a couple are missing.
Is that okay? It's perfect.
So just to be clear, the eggs are a metaphor, and you wanna come in, right? Wow, this is awesome.
No cars, no people.
[Phone ringing.]
God, one sec.
I'm sorry, go on.
Oh, just I feel like you can never be truly alone - in the city, you know? - Yeah.
[Phone ringing.]
Sorry.
Back to your deep thoughts? Hey, do you have a pen? Why? Are you gonna draw my caricature, so we can always remember this moment? Look, I like you.
I mean, everyone who knows me knows I like you.
It's kind of a running joke.
I've sort of been dreaming about this moment, if I'm honest.
But in my dreams, you didn't have a boyfriend, you know? This is my number.
It's real.
Call me if things ever get less complicated, okay? Oh.
- Good penmanship.
- Yeah.
I didn't want there to be any confusion what was a two and what was a five.
You sure? Yeah.
I'm sure.
So, uh, worst of luck with your boyfriend.
Really hope it doesn't work out.
I feel like I got kicked in the face by a donkey.
I'm never drinking alcohol again.
Why did you let me do this to myself? Can I be serious a sec? I'm proud of you, Jay.
You did the right thing with Jane.
Yeah, you're like that guy who finds a bag of money in the street and then returns it to the police.
Yeah, and then later that night weeps and masturbates to said bag of money.
Yeah, well, for better or worse, it's done.
I'm moving on.
There are other pants - in the sea.
- Ugh, God.
Stop being so mature.
I'm already nauseous.
Do you have any more water? Yeah, I got more water.
So Paul, huh? You're finally gonna take that thing off the market? Let it in out of the rain? Yeah.
I mean, maybe.
I don't know, we'll see.
Do you think he's too old for me? I mean, he has vitamins and an electric can opener.
I love Jay's little tar beach.
Yeah.
Stace I don't wanna go back next semester, so - Oh.
- I know you had a certain View of our life, like we'd be this Doctor and lawyer power couple, but I hope it'll be okay this way.
I mean, whatever way.
It's not like I have a plan here.
I think I think you'll be great at whatever you wanna do, and I think we'll be great.
I so did not expect you to say that.
Just don't become, like, a stand-up or something, okay? - No promises.
- [Chuckles.]
- All right, who needs another beer? - Me.
Right here.
Screw it.
I'm going back to alcohol.