InSecurity (2011) s01e12 Episode Script
Get Cranston
I'm impressed.
In the time it took to make our coffees, the barista made three science fiction references.
Really? I didn't notice.
He said, "Greetings, Earthlings.
" - That didn't twig anything? - Hm.
This your brother's car? It's a total chick magnet.
Hell, no.
This is my whip.
You gotta let me drive it.
I don't know, it's kinda my baby.
Eeuw! Do you live in here? - What? It's not that bad.
- Dammit! Come on.
Let me just move this pizza box out the way.
Hey.
The coffee guy did this to me.
What's that, some kind of flirt? No.
It means live long and prosper.
Oh.
What a nice guy.
Claude! InSecurity SO1E11 Get Cranston Well now the sun ain't shinin' no more I don't know why but I've seen it before Ain't got no joy No man to lean on He leaves my soul on the floor like a doll Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Do you always wear a bulletproof vest on coffee runs? Yes.
That way if I spill my coffee, I don't get burned.
All right.
Well, we've got to find out who wants you dead.
Ah, probably the Libyans.
Or the Vatican Secret Police.
Don't remind me.
That fender bender with the Pope-mobile cost me dearly.
It was his fault, waving, when he should have been looking.
New information.
I don't think it's Claude they're after.
I have strong reason to believe the shooter's actually after Alex.
Oh, really? And what makes you think that? We just received this.
Let me see that.
"Alex Cranston, you will die.
" "Legatio Lemma Totus"? Does anyone speak Latin? I do.
Or as the Latins would say, "I-ay eaks-spay atin-lay.
" Does anyone speak real Latin? What? Don't look at me.
It's a dead language.
It looks like you have a nemesis.
Okay, team, finding Alex's stalker is our number one priority.
So, Alex, who'd want you dead? Um, no one.
Oh, okay, there was this one guy, an ex-KGB agent who I pantsed at the UN.
Put him on the list.
Anyone else? No.
Okay, then.
Ah, actually, maybe Abdul El Fayed.
He did not like getting his butt handed to him by an infidel in a miniskirt.
Add him too.
And there was that cell of terrorist soccer moms.
All right.
So, we are up to 340 potential suspects, including half the CIA, your cousin, and the local Gay Men's Choir.
Have we missed anyone? Gord, the mail room guy.
Oh, yeah, he hates you.
What? No.
Really? Hey, Alex, here is your mail.
It's sorted alphabetically, removed the perfume strips, and personal letters are on top, just the way you like it.
Why, thank you, Gord.
Oops.
Pretty good today, almost.
Now, I'm just gonna go ahead and move this M in front of the N.
And, there, it's perfect.
Oh.
Add him to the list.
WOMAN: It won't be long now.
Enjoy your special delivery, Alex Cranston.
Legatio lemma totus.
- Ah, death threats.
This brings me back.
- Yeah.
Claude, did you ever have a nemesis? - Yes.
Yes.
Her name was Estelle Bourgois.
- French spy? No.
She was our neighbour in Montreal.
I'd plant daffodils in the garden.
The next day she'd have daffodils.
I put in a bird bath, she put in a pond.
So, I put in a pool.
Then she set fire to my car.
It got ugly after that.
I've never had a nemesis.
- Really! - That's impossible.
- If I didn't already have a nemesis, you'll be mine.
- Me too.
Thanks, guys.
, Obviously not everyone hates me.
- Smell these.
- Mmm.
Oh, I would, but thanks to Estelle Bourgois, I no longer have a sense of smell.
My sister sent them to cheer me up with all this death threat business.
They say, "Alex Cranston.
Special Delivery.
" Give them to me! - Really? Do I have to? - Yes.
We're clear.
No sign of exploding stems, poison petals or black mould.
There you go.
Enjoy.
- What am I supposed to do with these? - Potpourri? Can I at least eat the chocolates? Don't touch that! Ow! Why? Is it poison? Worse.
Orange cream, the most feared and hated of all the chocolates.
I ate the rest.
I'll take my chances.
No, d-d-don't! Oh.
Tastes like hand soap.
Oh.
There's a seed in it! My sister is so cheap.
Uh-oh.
A mystery package addressed to "Burt Wilson.
" And it's written in blood.
Let's see what we got here.
A death threat and a picture of me in a bathtub.
Chilling.
Burt, I know you sent that to yourself.
What? No.
I saw you lick it sealed, and the same picture is on your desk.
I just really wanted a nemesis.
You can't force these things.
One day you'll meet someone and they'll just hate you.
That's how you know it's real.
Deadly and fattening.
Enjoy the pie, Cranston.
How did I get this many enemies? It's not like I'm mean or anything.
Nice lid.
Easy does it, Cranny.
Stay frosty.
Jo-Jo! I just did a sweep of your condo.
It's secure.
Where did you come from, why are you here, and how long were you standing there? Orders from Peter.
Can't leave the asset alone.
12 minutes.
Asset?That's you, Cranny.
Great.
Well, the "asset" is going to use the washroom.
N'udu! Claude, Burt, get out of my closet.
Nice teddy bear collection.
The big one scared me and I accidentally broke this.
Look, guys, I really appreciate what you're doing, but I'm fine on my own.
I can protect myself.
Plus, I'm your boss, so I'm ordering you to get outta here.
Come on, Burt.
We'll check out the halls and stairwells.
Sorry.
Breaking other people's stuff.
Good first step towards a nemesis.
Thanks.
I would feel much better if you'd let me keep watch tonight.
No.
Thank you.
You sleep with the asset.
- What is that? - It's a pie.
And it's filled with rat poison.
And a touch of strychnine.
- How would you even know that? - Smells like almonds.
I've made a few in my day.
This person is more dangerous than we thought.
We must get you back to NISA.
Good plan.
I authorize you to run all traffic lights.
BURT: Hey, guys, you left the door unlocked.
Not very secure.
Hello? Where is everybody? Ah, they're headed back to NISA with the SUV.
So how do we get back? Ah, with Alex's car.
A nice piece of iron.
Oooh, pie.
Ah-haw, sweet ride! I call opposite of shotgun.
- What's that? - Driver.
You can't drive the car.
You're holding the pie.
Oh.
This car is filthy.
She's got an open jar of pickled beets in the front seat.
Ugh.
FEMALE VOICE: Hello, Alex.
GPS, cool.
I've rigged your car with enough C4 to turn you into mist.
Huh? Prepare to die.
Hm.
Less cool.
FEMALE VOICE: I've rigged the bomb with weight sensors under both seats.
Any attempt to exit the car and you will die, Alex.
What's that sound? I'm guessing you've figured out who I am.
It's me, Penny.
Who? Your old classmate.
I lived across from you in res.
I'm sure you can't forget the volleyball incident that left me with this.
Aah, aah.
Turn that off.
And don't touch the stereo or the car will explode and you die.
I don't what's worse, the bomb or the whistle.
The whistle, for sure.
Okay, this is starting to get serious.
What do you mean "starting to"? He means that pie pushed your threat level to red.
ALEX: You guys have an office pool? - It's helps boost morale.
- Not mine.
N'udu, you haven't put in your 10 bucks.
- You know I'm good for it.
- Guys, this is my life.
I hope you get to keep it until one week from tomorrow.
O- kay, we need to spend less time on the office pool and more time finding this pie-baking psycho.
I'll get all hands on deck, including NISA's global SWAT unit.
They're ready to be deployed anywhere in the world.
Ah, they're a good-looking bunch.
Handpicked them myself.
Sheila, too.
- She's a crack shot.
You need at least one of those.
- Good to know.
N'udu, see what you can find from this creepy letter.
JoJo, track the Latin.
Come on.
Latin's so dry.
I'll get Claude and Burt to Wait, where are Claude and Burt? I finally get a seat next to Greg Winarski - Cut the blue wire.
- and next you're making out - Or maybe the red wire.
Or the yellow wire? - Come on.
He was supposed to be my first That takes care of the speakers.
But, now, about that bomb.
Oh! It's my phone.
- No! Don't answer! - What are you doing? Saving our lives.
No, no, no, no, no! Look, you may have been right about the stereo wires, but you clearly are not aware that cell phones can be used to detonate bombs! The Whistler already told us the detonator's attached to our seat.
- Oh! - Oh! No answer from Claude or Burt.
Where are they? They're probably on their way back.
Hey, I know your cage is rattled, but I was talking to the Minister.
He said most agents don't get death threats this early in their career.
Uh, thanks.
He said keep up the good work, you'll probably be dead by 40.
- Well, that's nice of him to say.
- You're doing great.
Looks like the suspect might have been a classmate of yours from the University of Ottawa.
"Legatio Lemma Totus" is the motto for the Criminal Psychology Department.
A fellow Crim-Psy? That can't be.
We took an oath never to use what we learned against each other.
We traced the letters on the death threat.
They all come from one magazine, Canadian Volleyballer.
I've played volleyball all my life.
Damn good outside hitter.
JoJo, find the magazine's subscription list.
There can't be that many people who pay to read this.
Fourteen million.
Whoa.
That's half of Canada.
Okay, cross-reference that list with Crim-Psy grads.
I'm on it.
Oh, don't worry, kiddo.
We'll figure it out.
Hey, when this is all settled, we should play some serious beach.
I'm sorry I threw the phones out the window, but if you'd seen that YouTube video that I saw.
Hey, I didn't want it to end this way either.
I had hopes and dreams too.
- For one thing, I wanted an electric scooter.
- Hey.
Hm? Alex has AutoStar.
FEMALE VOICE: How y'all doin'? This is Sherry with AutoStar, Alabama Call Centre.
- Help us! There's a bomb in the car! - Calm down.
Is this Alex Cranston I'm talking to? We are friends of Alex, yeah.
I'm only authorized to speak to Miss Alex Cranston.
We'd get her on the line, but we don't have any phones.
Sherry, I can explain that.
See, there's this YouTube video Sherry, this is a matter of life and death.
You absolutely need to get in touch with Alex Cranston at this number.
All right, I'll do ya a favour, but I need a pen.
Harold, y'all got a pen over there? After cross-referencing the evidence, it boils down to four people.
Let's split into teams and run these suspects down.
Alabama area code? Hold on.
It might be the killer.
A lotta freaks in Alabama.
We'll trace the call.
Now, stand by, Swat Team.
Target, Alabama.
We're about to go hot.
Hello, anyone there? Hello.
- Hello.
Alex Cranston? - Yes.
I have a Clod and a Burt trapped in your car.
God, she's got Claude and Burt.
Go hot! Go hot! Deploy with extreme prejudice! Go hot! Let me talk to them.
I can't, unless you give me something.
What does this monster want? What do you want? Your authorization number.
Go! Go! Go! NISA Global Swat Team! Down on the ground, now! Do not move your hands from your head.
Ah-ha-ha.
That's my team.
Oh, crap.
That wasn't the killer, that was AutoStar, my in-car emergency service.
Claude and Burt must be in my car! Hm.
Slowly.
You want the weight to be even.
Keep the pressure on the seat.
It worked.
- It worked! We're going to live! - Quiet, Burt.
You'll tip over the junk and set off the bomb.
Easy! How much do you weigh? Uh, 170? Now's not the time to lie about this.
Uh, 180? Oh, okay, 195.
Let's say two.
One, two, three.
- Aah! - Aah! It's over! Ah, here she is.
- You guys okay? - Yeah, we're good.
I take back everything I said about wanting a nemesis.
You got a doozy.
It turns out to be your old college pal, Penny, from res.
Penny? Huh, not ringing a bell.
But a lot of us went by nicknames in Crim-Psy.
They called me "Button" because I was cute as a - you guys don't need to know that.
- No, we don't.
Well, whoever it was wanted you and this car blown to bits.
Maybe we should give them what they want.
NEWSCASTER: Troubling news today.
A car bomb went off in Ottawa, critically injuring its owner, Alex Cranston, a local travel agent, who remains in serious condition.
Damn it! Doctors say she's expected to make a full recovery at the Ottawa Civic Hospital, Trauma Unit, 4th Floor, Room 402, bed closest to the door.
She's the blonde.
Well, perhaps it's time that we met face-to-needle.
In other news, another deadly attack on an AutoStar customer service agent, as a mystery team of psychopaths goes on a rampage in Alabama.
Gotcha! Drop the needle! NISA! Don't move! Uh, N'udu, you might want to tie up your hospital gown, hm? Nobody's asking you to look.
And yet I can't turn away.
So, Penny.
Yeah, still don't remember you.
Huh? Don't try to deny it.
We caught you red handed trying to kill Alex.
Oh, yeah, I did it.
I hate her.
I've always hated her, with her stupid face and her stupid hands and her goddamn legs.
She'll pay! Why don't you get some rest? We'll take care of El Psycho.
Thanks.
I have to admit, now that it's over, this whole stalker thing really freaked me out.
I'd be freaked too if some chick broke into my condo and boiled a bunny.
- That was Fatal Attraction.
- Still.
- Goodnight.
- Night.
So, why were you after Alex? She was in the way.
Do you notice something weird about her? - Claude, my friend, all women are mysteries to me.
- I feel ya, bro.
No.
There's no whistle when she breathes.
They were all in the way.
They? Who are you talking about? The burn victims.
The stupid physiotherapists and those smug little babies.
An angel told me to wipe them all out.
Oh, boy.
This isn't the right nutcase.
Oh, no.
Alex! Who are you? I'm Penny.
You don't recognize me? No.
I thought we caught Penny.
Obviously we didn't.
Why are we in my apartment? This is my apartment.
I've done it up exactly like yours.
I'm going to have everything that you have, everything that you've taken from me.
O- kay, my place doesn't have that.
Oh.
Penny, huh? Yes! We were classmates! Yeah.
I have to admit, University was a bit of a blur for me.
It started Frosh Week and kinda went from there.
Maybe this will jog your memory! Oh, that's a good picture of me.
Who's that girl with the broken nose? You six-packed me in the face during tryouts, causing permanent damage to my left nostril.
I've kept this as a reminder.
I thought the nose whistle would have been enough of a reminder.
Not that it's bad.
I mean, it's, uh, it's-it's kind of soothing.
I've been told plenty of times, it's not soothing.
I've been kicked out of movie theatres, funerals, the library, even the zoo! They said the sound drove the koala bears to madness.
Look, Penny, I'm really sorry about your nose.
But, in fairness, it is volleyball.
- People get smashed in the face all the time.
- Shut up! Let's just relax.
I'll get you the name of NISA's top nose reconstruction guy and a psychiatrist who will help you see that this is not really my fault.
It's time for you to pay for what you did to me.
I'm really sorry about this, but Noooo! Uoaaah! Booya! Whoooo! I have not done that since I smashed Penny Cryer in the face during tryouts.
Ooh.
Oh, Penny! Penny Cryer.
Now I remember you.
My good nostril! Again, apologies.
How's my little survivor doing? Still in one piece.
If I've learned anything from all this, it's to show everyone in my life more respect.
Mail.
Why, thank you, Gord.
Great work.
Aach, look at this.
Espionage Illustrated starts with an 'E', so why is it after Maclean's? Goddammit, Gord! Gord? Gord! Gord.
Here we go, buddy, the wait is over.
Ice cream, fresh coffee, this is the way to do it.
Cheers.
It's poison.
She's just saying that.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven
In the time it took to make our coffees, the barista made three science fiction references.
Really? I didn't notice.
He said, "Greetings, Earthlings.
" - That didn't twig anything? - Hm.
This your brother's car? It's a total chick magnet.
Hell, no.
This is my whip.
You gotta let me drive it.
I don't know, it's kinda my baby.
Eeuw! Do you live in here? - What? It's not that bad.
- Dammit! Come on.
Let me just move this pizza box out the way.
Hey.
The coffee guy did this to me.
What's that, some kind of flirt? No.
It means live long and prosper.
Oh.
What a nice guy.
Claude! InSecurity SO1E11 Get Cranston Well now the sun ain't shinin' no more I don't know why but I've seen it before Ain't got no joy No man to lean on He leaves my soul on the floor like a doll Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Do you always wear a bulletproof vest on coffee runs? Yes.
That way if I spill my coffee, I don't get burned.
All right.
Well, we've got to find out who wants you dead.
Ah, probably the Libyans.
Or the Vatican Secret Police.
Don't remind me.
That fender bender with the Pope-mobile cost me dearly.
It was his fault, waving, when he should have been looking.
New information.
I don't think it's Claude they're after.
I have strong reason to believe the shooter's actually after Alex.
Oh, really? And what makes you think that? We just received this.
Let me see that.
"Alex Cranston, you will die.
" "Legatio Lemma Totus"? Does anyone speak Latin? I do.
Or as the Latins would say, "I-ay eaks-spay atin-lay.
" Does anyone speak real Latin? What? Don't look at me.
It's a dead language.
It looks like you have a nemesis.
Okay, team, finding Alex's stalker is our number one priority.
So, Alex, who'd want you dead? Um, no one.
Oh, okay, there was this one guy, an ex-KGB agent who I pantsed at the UN.
Put him on the list.
Anyone else? No.
Okay, then.
Ah, actually, maybe Abdul El Fayed.
He did not like getting his butt handed to him by an infidel in a miniskirt.
Add him too.
And there was that cell of terrorist soccer moms.
All right.
So, we are up to 340 potential suspects, including half the CIA, your cousin, and the local Gay Men's Choir.
Have we missed anyone? Gord, the mail room guy.
Oh, yeah, he hates you.
What? No.
Really? Hey, Alex, here is your mail.
It's sorted alphabetically, removed the perfume strips, and personal letters are on top, just the way you like it.
Why, thank you, Gord.
Oops.
Pretty good today, almost.
Now, I'm just gonna go ahead and move this M in front of the N.
And, there, it's perfect.
Oh.
Add him to the list.
WOMAN: It won't be long now.
Enjoy your special delivery, Alex Cranston.
Legatio lemma totus.
- Ah, death threats.
This brings me back.
- Yeah.
Claude, did you ever have a nemesis? - Yes.
Yes.
Her name was Estelle Bourgois.
- French spy? No.
She was our neighbour in Montreal.
I'd plant daffodils in the garden.
The next day she'd have daffodils.
I put in a bird bath, she put in a pond.
So, I put in a pool.
Then she set fire to my car.
It got ugly after that.
I've never had a nemesis.
- Really! - That's impossible.
- If I didn't already have a nemesis, you'll be mine.
- Me too.
Thanks, guys.
, Obviously not everyone hates me.
- Smell these.
- Mmm.
Oh, I would, but thanks to Estelle Bourgois, I no longer have a sense of smell.
My sister sent them to cheer me up with all this death threat business.
They say, "Alex Cranston.
Special Delivery.
" Give them to me! - Really? Do I have to? - Yes.
We're clear.
No sign of exploding stems, poison petals or black mould.
There you go.
Enjoy.
- What am I supposed to do with these? - Potpourri? Can I at least eat the chocolates? Don't touch that! Ow! Why? Is it poison? Worse.
Orange cream, the most feared and hated of all the chocolates.
I ate the rest.
I'll take my chances.
No, d-d-don't! Oh.
Tastes like hand soap.
Oh.
There's a seed in it! My sister is so cheap.
Uh-oh.
A mystery package addressed to "Burt Wilson.
" And it's written in blood.
Let's see what we got here.
A death threat and a picture of me in a bathtub.
Chilling.
Burt, I know you sent that to yourself.
What? No.
I saw you lick it sealed, and the same picture is on your desk.
I just really wanted a nemesis.
You can't force these things.
One day you'll meet someone and they'll just hate you.
That's how you know it's real.
Deadly and fattening.
Enjoy the pie, Cranston.
How did I get this many enemies? It's not like I'm mean or anything.
Nice lid.
Easy does it, Cranny.
Stay frosty.
Jo-Jo! I just did a sweep of your condo.
It's secure.
Where did you come from, why are you here, and how long were you standing there? Orders from Peter.
Can't leave the asset alone.
12 minutes.
Asset?That's you, Cranny.
Great.
Well, the "asset" is going to use the washroom.
N'udu! Claude, Burt, get out of my closet.
Nice teddy bear collection.
The big one scared me and I accidentally broke this.
Look, guys, I really appreciate what you're doing, but I'm fine on my own.
I can protect myself.
Plus, I'm your boss, so I'm ordering you to get outta here.
Come on, Burt.
We'll check out the halls and stairwells.
Sorry.
Breaking other people's stuff.
Good first step towards a nemesis.
Thanks.
I would feel much better if you'd let me keep watch tonight.
No.
Thank you.
You sleep with the asset.
- What is that? - It's a pie.
And it's filled with rat poison.
And a touch of strychnine.
- How would you even know that? - Smells like almonds.
I've made a few in my day.
This person is more dangerous than we thought.
We must get you back to NISA.
Good plan.
I authorize you to run all traffic lights.
BURT: Hey, guys, you left the door unlocked.
Not very secure.
Hello? Where is everybody? Ah, they're headed back to NISA with the SUV.
So how do we get back? Ah, with Alex's car.
A nice piece of iron.
Oooh, pie.
Ah-haw, sweet ride! I call opposite of shotgun.
- What's that? - Driver.
You can't drive the car.
You're holding the pie.
Oh.
This car is filthy.
She's got an open jar of pickled beets in the front seat.
Ugh.
FEMALE VOICE: Hello, Alex.
GPS, cool.
I've rigged your car with enough C4 to turn you into mist.
Huh? Prepare to die.
Hm.
Less cool.
FEMALE VOICE: I've rigged the bomb with weight sensors under both seats.
Any attempt to exit the car and you will die, Alex.
What's that sound? I'm guessing you've figured out who I am.
It's me, Penny.
Who? Your old classmate.
I lived across from you in res.
I'm sure you can't forget the volleyball incident that left me with this.
Aah, aah.
Turn that off.
And don't touch the stereo or the car will explode and you die.
I don't what's worse, the bomb or the whistle.
The whistle, for sure.
Okay, this is starting to get serious.
What do you mean "starting to"? He means that pie pushed your threat level to red.
ALEX: You guys have an office pool? - It's helps boost morale.
- Not mine.
N'udu, you haven't put in your 10 bucks.
- You know I'm good for it.
- Guys, this is my life.
I hope you get to keep it until one week from tomorrow.
O- kay, we need to spend less time on the office pool and more time finding this pie-baking psycho.
I'll get all hands on deck, including NISA's global SWAT unit.
They're ready to be deployed anywhere in the world.
Ah, they're a good-looking bunch.
Handpicked them myself.
Sheila, too.
- She's a crack shot.
You need at least one of those.
- Good to know.
N'udu, see what you can find from this creepy letter.
JoJo, track the Latin.
Come on.
Latin's so dry.
I'll get Claude and Burt to Wait, where are Claude and Burt? I finally get a seat next to Greg Winarski - Cut the blue wire.
- and next you're making out - Or maybe the red wire.
Or the yellow wire? - Come on.
He was supposed to be my first That takes care of the speakers.
But, now, about that bomb.
Oh! It's my phone.
- No! Don't answer! - What are you doing? Saving our lives.
No, no, no, no, no! Look, you may have been right about the stereo wires, but you clearly are not aware that cell phones can be used to detonate bombs! The Whistler already told us the detonator's attached to our seat.
- Oh! - Oh! No answer from Claude or Burt.
Where are they? They're probably on their way back.
Hey, I know your cage is rattled, but I was talking to the Minister.
He said most agents don't get death threats this early in their career.
Uh, thanks.
He said keep up the good work, you'll probably be dead by 40.
- Well, that's nice of him to say.
- You're doing great.
Looks like the suspect might have been a classmate of yours from the University of Ottawa.
"Legatio Lemma Totus" is the motto for the Criminal Psychology Department.
A fellow Crim-Psy? That can't be.
We took an oath never to use what we learned against each other.
We traced the letters on the death threat.
They all come from one magazine, Canadian Volleyballer.
I've played volleyball all my life.
Damn good outside hitter.
JoJo, find the magazine's subscription list.
There can't be that many people who pay to read this.
Fourteen million.
Whoa.
That's half of Canada.
Okay, cross-reference that list with Crim-Psy grads.
I'm on it.
Oh, don't worry, kiddo.
We'll figure it out.
Hey, when this is all settled, we should play some serious beach.
I'm sorry I threw the phones out the window, but if you'd seen that YouTube video that I saw.
Hey, I didn't want it to end this way either.
I had hopes and dreams too.
- For one thing, I wanted an electric scooter.
- Hey.
Hm? Alex has AutoStar.
FEMALE VOICE: How y'all doin'? This is Sherry with AutoStar, Alabama Call Centre.
- Help us! There's a bomb in the car! - Calm down.
Is this Alex Cranston I'm talking to? We are friends of Alex, yeah.
I'm only authorized to speak to Miss Alex Cranston.
We'd get her on the line, but we don't have any phones.
Sherry, I can explain that.
See, there's this YouTube video Sherry, this is a matter of life and death.
You absolutely need to get in touch with Alex Cranston at this number.
All right, I'll do ya a favour, but I need a pen.
Harold, y'all got a pen over there? After cross-referencing the evidence, it boils down to four people.
Let's split into teams and run these suspects down.
Alabama area code? Hold on.
It might be the killer.
A lotta freaks in Alabama.
We'll trace the call.
Now, stand by, Swat Team.
Target, Alabama.
We're about to go hot.
Hello, anyone there? Hello.
- Hello.
Alex Cranston? - Yes.
I have a Clod and a Burt trapped in your car.
God, she's got Claude and Burt.
Go hot! Go hot! Deploy with extreme prejudice! Go hot! Let me talk to them.
I can't, unless you give me something.
What does this monster want? What do you want? Your authorization number.
Go! Go! Go! NISA Global Swat Team! Down on the ground, now! Do not move your hands from your head.
Ah-ha-ha.
That's my team.
Oh, crap.
That wasn't the killer, that was AutoStar, my in-car emergency service.
Claude and Burt must be in my car! Hm.
Slowly.
You want the weight to be even.
Keep the pressure on the seat.
It worked.
- It worked! We're going to live! - Quiet, Burt.
You'll tip over the junk and set off the bomb.
Easy! How much do you weigh? Uh, 170? Now's not the time to lie about this.
Uh, 180? Oh, okay, 195.
Let's say two.
One, two, three.
- Aah! - Aah! It's over! Ah, here she is.
- You guys okay? - Yeah, we're good.
I take back everything I said about wanting a nemesis.
You got a doozy.
It turns out to be your old college pal, Penny, from res.
Penny? Huh, not ringing a bell.
But a lot of us went by nicknames in Crim-Psy.
They called me "Button" because I was cute as a - you guys don't need to know that.
- No, we don't.
Well, whoever it was wanted you and this car blown to bits.
Maybe we should give them what they want.
NEWSCASTER: Troubling news today.
A car bomb went off in Ottawa, critically injuring its owner, Alex Cranston, a local travel agent, who remains in serious condition.
Damn it! Doctors say she's expected to make a full recovery at the Ottawa Civic Hospital, Trauma Unit, 4th Floor, Room 402, bed closest to the door.
She's the blonde.
Well, perhaps it's time that we met face-to-needle.
In other news, another deadly attack on an AutoStar customer service agent, as a mystery team of psychopaths goes on a rampage in Alabama.
Gotcha! Drop the needle! NISA! Don't move! Uh, N'udu, you might want to tie up your hospital gown, hm? Nobody's asking you to look.
And yet I can't turn away.
So, Penny.
Yeah, still don't remember you.
Huh? Don't try to deny it.
We caught you red handed trying to kill Alex.
Oh, yeah, I did it.
I hate her.
I've always hated her, with her stupid face and her stupid hands and her goddamn legs.
She'll pay! Why don't you get some rest? We'll take care of El Psycho.
Thanks.
I have to admit, now that it's over, this whole stalker thing really freaked me out.
I'd be freaked too if some chick broke into my condo and boiled a bunny.
- That was Fatal Attraction.
- Still.
- Goodnight.
- Night.
So, why were you after Alex? She was in the way.
Do you notice something weird about her? - Claude, my friend, all women are mysteries to me.
- I feel ya, bro.
No.
There's no whistle when she breathes.
They were all in the way.
They? Who are you talking about? The burn victims.
The stupid physiotherapists and those smug little babies.
An angel told me to wipe them all out.
Oh, boy.
This isn't the right nutcase.
Oh, no.
Alex! Who are you? I'm Penny.
You don't recognize me? No.
I thought we caught Penny.
Obviously we didn't.
Why are we in my apartment? This is my apartment.
I've done it up exactly like yours.
I'm going to have everything that you have, everything that you've taken from me.
O- kay, my place doesn't have that.
Oh.
Penny, huh? Yes! We were classmates! Yeah.
I have to admit, University was a bit of a blur for me.
It started Frosh Week and kinda went from there.
Maybe this will jog your memory! Oh, that's a good picture of me.
Who's that girl with the broken nose? You six-packed me in the face during tryouts, causing permanent damage to my left nostril.
I've kept this as a reminder.
I thought the nose whistle would have been enough of a reminder.
Not that it's bad.
I mean, it's, uh, it's-it's kind of soothing.
I've been told plenty of times, it's not soothing.
I've been kicked out of movie theatres, funerals, the library, even the zoo! They said the sound drove the koala bears to madness.
Look, Penny, I'm really sorry about your nose.
But, in fairness, it is volleyball.
- People get smashed in the face all the time.
- Shut up! Let's just relax.
I'll get you the name of NISA's top nose reconstruction guy and a psychiatrist who will help you see that this is not really my fault.
It's time for you to pay for what you did to me.
I'm really sorry about this, but Noooo! Uoaaah! Booya! Whoooo! I have not done that since I smashed Penny Cryer in the face during tryouts.
Ooh.
Oh, Penny! Penny Cryer.
Now I remember you.
My good nostril! Again, apologies.
How's my little survivor doing? Still in one piece.
If I've learned anything from all this, it's to show everyone in my life more respect.
Mail.
Why, thank you, Gord.
Great work.
Aach, look at this.
Espionage Illustrated starts with an 'E', so why is it after Maclean's? Goddammit, Gord! Gord? Gord! Gord.
Here we go, buddy, the wait is over.
Ice cream, fresh coffee, this is the way to do it.
Cheers.
It's poison.
She's just saying that.
Subtitle by: Kiasuseven