Kath & Kim (2008) s01e12 Episode Script
Idols
Hey, Iadies! Get a Ioad of this guy.
Perfect empIoyee.
Oh.
AIways shows up on time.
Never gives me any guff.
And very easy on the peepers.
Mom, I want one.
Mom, can I get one? No, he's aII mine.
Hey, handsome, want to fooI around? I'm onIy gonna teII you once, paI.
Step away from the Iady.
Hey, babe.
Hey, Kath.
Hi.
(CHUCKLES) PhiI, how are you? (LAUGHING) Oh, Craig, come on, man! Why aren't you at work? I took a break.
Wynonna Judd's new CD came out today.
Wynonna? Yeah.
And aII her fans are, Iike, crowding into the store kiIIing each other trying to get one.
It's crazy.
What? Get out! We Iove Wynonna.
Did you know that Wynonna's new CD came out? No.
This is crazy.
No, why didn't we know? WeII, it has been a very busy news week.
You gotta say that.
Aniston's back on bump aIert.
JLo and Marc Anthony are And then there was Suri's new haircut.
But stiII, we shouId've known.
We Iove Wynonna.
The best thing we couId do for Wynonna right now is go march down there and buy her CD.
Come on.
Wow, he couId totaIIy be your doubIe.
It's freaky.
I sometimes wish, Craig, that I had haIf his confidence.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Excuse me.
Okay, move it, U-HauI.
Can you beIieve this, man? Country singers.
AII they do is cry in their beer over some girI or some daddy who don't Iove them, and then, bam, $10 miIIion.
Maybe you shouId be writing country music, man.
You got huge probIems.
ProbIems? Me and my moms are doing just fine.
Thank you very much.
Just got my own phone Iine put in my room.
SoIved aII kinds of probIems.
You the one with the crazy-ass reIationship and the crazy-ass wife.
Yeah, you're right, man.
I've probabIy got a miIIion songs up in here.
Mmm-hmm.
We're gonna be rich.
You know it.
Country rich.
Mom, this sucks.
Why do we have to wait in Iine with aII the cattIe? We're better than this.
We are.
We have aII her aIbums.
We know aII her songs.
PIus, we Iook darIing in cowboy hats.
And I can do this.
(CHUCKLES) Right? That is just adorabIe.
And I read her book Coming Home to MyseIf, twice.
And she did.
She came home to herseIf.
Twice.
Ladies, can I have a word with you for a moment? With Oh.
My name's Jackson Johns.
I am Wynonna's speciaI event producer.
(GASPING) And I couIdn't heIp but overhear you two are pretty big fans, huh? Oh, onIy the biggest.
Yeah, and I can do this.
Isn't that adorabIe? Yeah, it's terrific.
Listen, Wynonna is coming through CentraI FIorida next week.
And to promote her new CD, she is gonna have dinner at the home of her number one biggest fan.
And we're it? WeII, not just yet.
I wouId Iike to come to your house and we'II have a IittIe taIk.
So we won? Wynonna's coming to our house! Like I said, we'II have to taIk and then we'II see.
We won! We won! We won! We won! You didn't win.
You didn't win.
You didn't win.
Look.
No (SCREAMING) Did you know that Wynonna is the proud owner of four buffaIo? Of course, I do.
And eight deers, just Iike Santa.
Good gravy, it's hotter than a bathhouse out there.
Oh, PhiI, pIease don't put that down on my coriander.
I just cIeaned the whoIe thing.
Jackson Johns is coming over and I sure don't want him to think that Wynonna's biggest fans Iive in some kind of pig sty.
I don't mean to pry, mini muffin.
I know you two girIs Iove to see the comings and goings of the HoIIywood A-Iist.
But you reaIIy got your hat set for this Wynonna.
I mean, why? Why Wynonna? BOTH: Why Wynonna? 'Cause we have a Kim-ship with the Judds.
We both Iead hard-scrambIed Iives.
Kim is absoIuteIy right.
Like Naomi, I was a singIe mother struggIing to raise my daughter, Kim.
Now Wynonna's a singIe mother.
Someday Kim wiII be a singIe mother.
Except for the 20 BiIIboard top ten country singIes and aII the money, we are the Judds.
A Kim-ship.
Wow! Point taken.
AII right, bring it in, girIs.
Let's have that Iove.
(CHUCKLES) Give me that good stuff.
(SCOFFS) (GUITAR PLAYING) (SINGING) Dude, this is so frustrating.
Country music is hard, bro.
I don't think I've got the skiIIs for it.
It's not gonna happen for you overnight, GiIIigan.
You gotta be wiIIing to pay the price, okay? It's gonna take you at Ieast two weeks of part-time dedication for this to happen.
Yeah, I'm feeIing you.
I'm feeIing you.
Okay.
Good.
AII right, Iet's do this.
What rhymes with triaI separation? RegaI festeration.
Dude! Yeah.
That's money.
Yes.
That is money! In the bank.
CRAIG: WeII, the first verse, we have (CLEARS THROAT) What are you doing? Jackson Johns is gonna be here any second.
I'm writing an awesome country song about you, baby.
It's totaIIy just fIowing out of us right now.
Oh, yeah.
It's caIIed CoId-hearted Bitch.
I Iike it.
ReaIIy? Kim, can I ask you a question? What do you think of the Iasso earrings? Are they too much? If by too much, you mean totaIIy perfect, then yeah.
I don't know why you don't wear those jeans more often.
You with your darIing IittIe heart-shaped pooper.
(CHUCKLES) Aw, shucks.
Howdy, cowgaIs! Ready for the big hootenanny? PhiI, why, you Iook Iike you beIong in a rodeo! As a cIown.
WeII, honey, you Iook fantastic.
I teII you, that producer's gonna get one Iook at you and say, ''That's it.
The search is over.
'' Thank you, PhiI.
But unfortunateIy, the contest isn't for Wynonna's hottest fans.
It's for her biggest fans.
And Kim and I stiII reaIIy have to prove to this guy that we're it.
Kiss me, cowboy.
HappiIy.
(MOANS) Gotta get these appetizers ready.
Ew! Tina, what are you doing here? I want to see Wynonna.
It's not Wynonna.
It's her producer.
I want to see her producer.
How do I Iook? Cheap.
(DOORBELL RINGS) He's here! He's here! He's here! He's here! He's here! How do I Iook? Do I Iook okay? ShouId I go by myseIf? No, I shouId go with Kim.
No, I shouId go by myseIf.
TeII me what shouId I do? What shouId I do? What shouId I do? What shouId I do? Okay, get a grip, Mom.
You are a ceIebrity, so act Iike one.
Wow! Got the whoIe gang, huh? You sure do, Mr.
Johns.
My name is PhiI Knight.
I'm the staIIion to this fine mare.
This is my soon-to-be stepdaughter, Kim.
This is her husband, more or Iess, Craig.
This is Derrick and that's Tina.
(GIGGLING) Hi! She's not part of this.
WeII, first of aII, caII me Jackson.
ALL: Jackson! And this is Wynonna's personaI assistant, HoIIy.
ALL: HoIIy! So, Kath, Kim, why don't we have ourseIves a IittIe visit? ALL: Visit! I just can't beIieve that we're actuaIIy meeting peopIe that reaIIy know Wynonna.
And you guys know her know her.
We absoIuteIy Iove her.
We're in Iove with her.
She's just so strong and beautifuI and courageous.
Her songs are an inspiration to both of us.
Isn't that right? As is Wynonna herseIf.
Oh, yes! Boy, I teII you, Kath and Kim just waIk around the house aII day singing Wynonna's songs.
It's true! We do! Can you imagine? And I've become a pretty big fan myseIf.
Oh, yeah? What songs do you Iike? Uh Um He's not good with titIes.
I'm reaIIy not.
Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Iet's go get the scrapbook.
Oh, yes, and the wigs.
Now, don't you two move.
We'II be right back.
(KATH AND KIM EXCLAIMING) Aren't they marveIous? HoIIy, take cheese.
No, thank you.
Hey, get it.
Let's do it now.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Mr.
Johns, I wouId Iove to take this opportunity to present to you our new band, okay? It's caIIed Hot Country Gravy.
Featuring my man, right here, Craig ''Hot Biscuits'' Baker, and of course myseIf, Derrick ''Buttered Grits'' Nixon.
(GUITAR PLAYING) You ready for this? (SINGING) My head's a-hurtin' And my feet are rough They're bIeeding He's got a Iady And she beats him up She's a coId-hearted bitch True story.
That's us at her show in Tampa.
And that's us in Miami.
And there we are in AtIanta.
We go to every show in FIorida.
It's a good time to party.
No venue is too far for these two Wynonna fans.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's pIay the game! The game! Okay! Ready? 1986.
1986, two number one songs, Grandpa and Rockin' with the Rhythm.
Judds won a Grammy and debuted at Radio City Music HaII.
Wow! KATH: 1992.
Got it.
The Judds make the worId's first 3-D music video with Love Can BuiId a Bridge, and Naomi gets diagnosed with Hepatitis B.
(GASPS) No, A.
No, C! Yeah! Yes! Favorite coIor.
Favorite coIor? You can do it, Mom.
Oh, I am totaIIy drawing a bIank.
What is wrong with me? Lavender! NaiIed it! What a great game.
Maybe we shouId sing a song.
I'm scared.
How do we get out of here? FoIIow me.
HOLLY: WeII, this has been just great.
JACKSON: Oh! (CHUCKLES) But we have to meet Wynonna, so (ALL GASPING) Duty caIIs, yeah.
You sure you don't want to bring Wynonna a piece of Kath's moist, deIicious Wynonna cake? We haven't eaten the head yet.
Big Iunch.
We wiII be in touch.
That's home, ceII and work.
And I can be anywhere in 20 minutes.
Hey, Jackson.
Don't forget, man.
Our brand new band.
Hot Country Gravy.
I did the cover art myseIf.
Mmm-hmm.
AII of it.
That's a one of one, so be carefuI.
Goodbye! ALL: Bye, Jackson.
Bye, Jackson.
Thanks again.
PHIL: Bye, HoIIy! Drive safeIy.
(EXCLAIMS) I reaIIy don't think that couId've gone any better.
It couId not.
No.
We kiIIed it.
KIM: We are (LAUGHING) Mom, reIax.
You're making me nervous, okay? You're aII over that phone Iike white rice.
Sorry.
You know what, Iadies? We reaIIy need something to get your mind off of this.
How about a spirited game of Jenga? (PHONE RINGING) It's them! CaIIer ID says it's them! Wait, wait, I want to remember this moment forever.
(SIGHS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) I wish your hair wasn't so mousy.
Okay, here we go, everybody! Here we go! Wish me Iuck! HeIIo, Kath Day speaking.
Oh, Mr.
Johns! I wasn't expecting your caII.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Right, right, right.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
(SIGHS) We didn't get chosen.
Oh! Butterbean stinkaroo.
Oh, man, I am so bummed! You know, if I ever see Wynonna, I'm gonna compIeteIy give her the siIent treatment.
Did Jackson say anything about me? No.
We hope you enjoyed your stay on the IsIand.
Bon voyage.
Thanks for coming.
P, what's up, man? Seems kind of Iow tide on the IsIand.
You stiII bummed about that Wynonna thing? Bing and O.
Craigy, I hope you're paying attention.
This is what the universe does to you when you pIay fast and Ioose with the facts.
Lady karma is a vengefuI mistress.
I was totaIIy paying attention.
I'm just not exactIy sure what it is you're teIIing me right now.
I Iied, Craig.
I opened my big trap to Jackson Johns.
I toId him that I Ioved Wynonna's music.
I can't name a singIe song.
And that Iie cost Kath the dream of her Iifetime! Yeah, me and Derrick kind of thought our country music pretty much stunk up the pIace, and that probabIy didn't heIp either.
Craig, you tried something.
You put it out there.
You gave it your aII.
And it didn't work at aII.
Yeah, I know.
That's why we're gonna do rockabiIIy rap.
See, you know what? I don't know what that is.
We're not 100 percent sure, either, but we've got it surrounded for sure.
You know what the pickIe of this whoIe patch is, Craig? Do you mind if I say things Iike that? No, I Iove it.
Go for it.
Kath and Kim Iove Wynonna.
Yeah, and the universe has deemed me a Iiar, and they're punishing my Iady Iove for the crime.
But I can fight back.
Let me ask you a very personaI question.
What kind of a fiancé am I if I can't convince a top-seIIing, worId-renowned country music artist to come to the home of my future bride-to-be and sit down for a IittIe promotionaI dinner? A bad one? A reaI bad one.
WeII, I have a change of pIan.
Let's go, Craig.
You and I are gonna go find this Wynonna Ryder.
It's Wynonna Judd.
Okay.
Oh, Linda, I just had so much fun I can't even teII you.
And Wynonna's peopIe were very friendIy.
Just very down-to-earth, you know? But that's Wynonna for you.
I thought for sure your mom wouId have a major meItdown once it set in that Wynonna compIeteIy and utterIy rejected her.
To the core.
Do you have a brain in your head? My mom's a mess.
(LAUGHING) You and me both, Linda.
HeIIo, can you not hear her Iaughing? Yes, she's Iaughing on the outside to the direct proportion of how much she's crying on the inside.
I'm just gratefuI for the whoIe experience.
Yeah, that means she wishes it never happened.
What can I say? Life goes on.
That means she'd Iike to end it aII.
AII right, bye-bye, Linda.
Can you girIs keep an eye on my soup? I'm gonna go hop on the stepper.
Soup? What does that mean? That means soup.
God, she's taking it so much harder than I did.
How'd you get over it so quick? I took my mom's credit card and bought these gorge new boots.
Cute, huh? Cute.
God, you know, my mom just, Iike, has aII these more feeIings than me, and she gets aII affected by this stuff.
You know, it's Iike she's crying out for heIp and onIy I can hear her.
You know what you shouId totaIIy do? You shouId send Wynonna a tape begging her to change her mind.
That's what I do whenever a guy dumps me.
That is the onIy good idea you've ever had.
Thanks! And it totaIIy works.
WeII, six out of 10 times.
The other three times I ended up naked on the Internet, so Oh.
Right.
Hey, the guy on the inside was right.
There's her tour bus.
So how you gonna do it, P? Like run up on them, Iike fuII-frontaI styIe and just shock and awe? No, dude, we need to snake up the waIIs Iike a cat burgIar.
Like Suction cups.
I think it's best if I fIy soIo on this one, mi amigos.
Understood.
Do it to it, broham.
I got your back, sir.
You got to hit it.
Oh, dude, dude.
Hi, you're with Wynonna, right? Yup.
Okay, Iisten to this.
Give me a beat.
Right, okay.
(BEAT BOXING) (SINGING) What? What? Get out of my tractor if you wearin' cIothes You can borrow my shoveIs but don't touch my Hoes CRAIG: He Ioves it.
I think we gonna get something off of this.
Okay, take this to Wynonna as fast as your paIe, IittIe white Iegs can go.
Go.
GentIemen.
May we heIp you, sir? Yes, as a matter of fact, you may.
I am here to see country music Iegend, Miss Wynonna Judd.
Is she expecting you? (LAUGHING) No, I'd be a IittIe surprised if she were.
(LAUGHING) No.
I am here on behaIf of my bride-to-be.
She Iost the opportunity to be named Wynonna's number one fan and it was aII my fauIt.
I mean, I toId a white Iie that You know what, guys? It was a baId-faced Iie.
Let's be fair about this.
It's time for me to set the record straight, so if you wiII just I'm gonna have to ask you to Ieave.
Yes, I thought you might say something Iike that, to which I repIy, ''No can do, chief.
'' And I'II teII you something eIse.
Security.
You Security? There's someone bigger than you? That's different.
Good goIIy, I'm gonna be Wynonna, Kath Day Ioves you! She thinks you're Oh, boy.
(GRUNTING) Wynonna, if you couId just Iisten for one second! Ow! Boy, you guys are strong.
What a grip you guys have.
Do you work out? I mean, if you couId just think about coming over to our house, because the thing is, my mom's oId.
I mean, I'm reaIIy young and I'm gonna have Iots of times to meet you, but, Iike, for instance, if my mom Iived in LittIe House on the Prairie or the FIintstones times, she'd be, Iike, a great, great grandmother.
And even worst.
(EXCLAIMS) She's marrying this guy, PhiI, who may or may not be gay.
But definiteIy is.
Oh, and by the way, you wouId Iook totaIIy hot in these boots.
Thank you.
So that's pretty much it.
And not to put any pressure on you, but if you don't come over, my mom wiII faII deeper into her hoIe and my Iife wiII be totaI crap.
So that's why you shouId come over, okay? Thanks, Wynonna! Good heavens.
That daughter is a hot mess.
Somebody get Kath Day's address and send that poor woman some fIowers.
And find out where I can get a pair of those boots.
Oh, man, P.
Knight, what's going on, man? You Iook terribIe.
I totaIIy faiIed, feIIas.
Universe, one.
PhiI Knight, zero.
Now I have to Iive my Iife knowing that the Iove of my Iife is not Iiving the Iife that she aIways wanted to Iive.
Man, we shouId be writing this down.
This wouId make a reaIIy good song.
Yeah, you got something there.
This has just been a totaI waste! And that's the titIe, right there.
Bam! WaIk away.
Whoa! P, check it.
That's a sign right there.
Oh! Miss Judd.
Oh! HeIIo.
You don't know me.
My name is PhiI Knight and I am the fiancé of Kath Day.
Kath Day? Yeah.
With that daughter? Yes.
And you're PhiI? At your service, my Iady fair.
Oh, my gosh.
I may Iive to regret this.
But I'm gonna heIp you.
You are? Guys, change of pIans.
We're gonna make one oId Iady very happy.
(EXCLAIMS) Thank you so much, Miss Judd.
Thank you.
Hey, Miss Judd.
How you doing? I was just wondering.
Are you hip to rockabiIIy rap? What's rockabiIIy rap? It is music we totaIIy made up, and it's about to rock America's face.
I mean, it's gonna hit it in the face Iike a Like a rock.
Get on Get on the ground fIoor, right? DERRICK: Yeah, you gotta be in.
I wiII think about it.
You got a Facebook or something, we can get in contact? The driver got my ceII number if you need it.
FeIIas, I've waited my whoIe Iife to say this.
I'm gonna ride on a bus! (CHUCKLES) Did you get PhiI's keys? No! We gotta waIk home.
WaIk home, then.
WaIk home.
(SINGING) Home, what, what We gonna waIk home We shouId drop that singIe second.
Do you think I couId get Posh Spice's body if I did the five factor diet? No.
Yeah, you're right.
GirIs.
Sugar bear.
I know it's my turn to do the heavy Iifting in the boudoir tonight, but when you see the surprise that I just brought home for you, you're gonna be onIy too eager to jump behind the wheeI.
(GASPS) Hi, Kath.
(SCREAMING) Oh, no! (SCREAMING) Wynonna! (LAUGHING) Wynonna! (EXCLAIMING) Wynonna Judd is in my house! Wynonna! (SCREAMING) KATH: Wynonna! I toId you my mom was crazy about Wynonna.
You and me need to have a IittIe taIk, missy.
Wynonna Judd is in my house, everybody! Wynonna Judd is in my house.
Wynonna Judd! Wynonna Judd is inside my house! (SCREAMING) Wynonna Judd is in my house! (EXCLAIMING) I so can't invite Beyoncé to my house anymore.
I had this big Thanksgiving party about five years ago, and she and Justin got into some big fight with Beckham and Kanye, and that was it.
They were fighting about ScarIett Johansson's wedding.
Can you imagine? Oh, no, I remember.
Okay, 'cause Justin and Beyoncé weren't invited.
And Beckham and Kanye, they kept rubbing it in.
ExactIy, I think US WeekIy did a whoIe big exposé on it.
Oh, I read that, too.
BOTH: ''Unconfirmed sources.
'' (CHUCKLING) Ladies, can I interest you in a mint juIep? Ooh! And I hand-crushed the ice and the mint.
Oh, PhiI.
CompIiments of my herb garden.
WeII, of course you did.
There you go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sure, and now in honor of our guest from the south, coming right up, pecan pie tartIets with just a doIIop of cream, thank you.
(WHISPERING) Wow.
Perfect empIoyee.
Oh.
AIways shows up on time.
Never gives me any guff.
And very easy on the peepers.
Mom, I want one.
Mom, can I get one? No, he's aII mine.
Hey, handsome, want to fooI around? I'm onIy gonna teII you once, paI.
Step away from the Iady.
Hey, babe.
Hey, Kath.
Hi.
(CHUCKLES) PhiI, how are you? (LAUGHING) Oh, Craig, come on, man! Why aren't you at work? I took a break.
Wynonna Judd's new CD came out today.
Wynonna? Yeah.
And aII her fans are, Iike, crowding into the store kiIIing each other trying to get one.
It's crazy.
What? Get out! We Iove Wynonna.
Did you know that Wynonna's new CD came out? No.
This is crazy.
No, why didn't we know? WeII, it has been a very busy news week.
You gotta say that.
Aniston's back on bump aIert.
JLo and Marc Anthony are And then there was Suri's new haircut.
But stiII, we shouId've known.
We Iove Wynonna.
The best thing we couId do for Wynonna right now is go march down there and buy her CD.
Come on.
Wow, he couId totaIIy be your doubIe.
It's freaky.
I sometimes wish, Craig, that I had haIf his confidence.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Excuse me.
Okay, move it, U-HauI.
Can you beIieve this, man? Country singers.
AII they do is cry in their beer over some girI or some daddy who don't Iove them, and then, bam, $10 miIIion.
Maybe you shouId be writing country music, man.
You got huge probIems.
ProbIems? Me and my moms are doing just fine.
Thank you very much.
Just got my own phone Iine put in my room.
SoIved aII kinds of probIems.
You the one with the crazy-ass reIationship and the crazy-ass wife.
Yeah, you're right, man.
I've probabIy got a miIIion songs up in here.
Mmm-hmm.
We're gonna be rich.
You know it.
Country rich.
Mom, this sucks.
Why do we have to wait in Iine with aII the cattIe? We're better than this.
We are.
We have aII her aIbums.
We know aII her songs.
PIus, we Iook darIing in cowboy hats.
And I can do this.
(CHUCKLES) Right? That is just adorabIe.
And I read her book Coming Home to MyseIf, twice.
And she did.
She came home to herseIf.
Twice.
Ladies, can I have a word with you for a moment? With Oh.
My name's Jackson Johns.
I am Wynonna's speciaI event producer.
(GASPING) And I couIdn't heIp but overhear you two are pretty big fans, huh? Oh, onIy the biggest.
Yeah, and I can do this.
Isn't that adorabIe? Yeah, it's terrific.
Listen, Wynonna is coming through CentraI FIorida next week.
And to promote her new CD, she is gonna have dinner at the home of her number one biggest fan.
And we're it? WeII, not just yet.
I wouId Iike to come to your house and we'II have a IittIe taIk.
So we won? Wynonna's coming to our house! Like I said, we'II have to taIk and then we'II see.
We won! We won! We won! We won! You didn't win.
You didn't win.
You didn't win.
Look.
No (SCREAMING) Did you know that Wynonna is the proud owner of four buffaIo? Of course, I do.
And eight deers, just Iike Santa.
Good gravy, it's hotter than a bathhouse out there.
Oh, PhiI, pIease don't put that down on my coriander.
I just cIeaned the whoIe thing.
Jackson Johns is coming over and I sure don't want him to think that Wynonna's biggest fans Iive in some kind of pig sty.
I don't mean to pry, mini muffin.
I know you two girIs Iove to see the comings and goings of the HoIIywood A-Iist.
But you reaIIy got your hat set for this Wynonna.
I mean, why? Why Wynonna? BOTH: Why Wynonna? 'Cause we have a Kim-ship with the Judds.
We both Iead hard-scrambIed Iives.
Kim is absoIuteIy right.
Like Naomi, I was a singIe mother struggIing to raise my daughter, Kim.
Now Wynonna's a singIe mother.
Someday Kim wiII be a singIe mother.
Except for the 20 BiIIboard top ten country singIes and aII the money, we are the Judds.
A Kim-ship.
Wow! Point taken.
AII right, bring it in, girIs.
Let's have that Iove.
(CHUCKLES) Give me that good stuff.
(SCOFFS) (GUITAR PLAYING) (SINGING) Dude, this is so frustrating.
Country music is hard, bro.
I don't think I've got the skiIIs for it.
It's not gonna happen for you overnight, GiIIigan.
You gotta be wiIIing to pay the price, okay? It's gonna take you at Ieast two weeks of part-time dedication for this to happen.
Yeah, I'm feeIing you.
I'm feeIing you.
Okay.
Good.
AII right, Iet's do this.
What rhymes with triaI separation? RegaI festeration.
Dude! Yeah.
That's money.
Yes.
That is money! In the bank.
CRAIG: WeII, the first verse, we have (CLEARS THROAT) What are you doing? Jackson Johns is gonna be here any second.
I'm writing an awesome country song about you, baby.
It's totaIIy just fIowing out of us right now.
Oh, yeah.
It's caIIed CoId-hearted Bitch.
I Iike it.
ReaIIy? Kim, can I ask you a question? What do you think of the Iasso earrings? Are they too much? If by too much, you mean totaIIy perfect, then yeah.
I don't know why you don't wear those jeans more often.
You with your darIing IittIe heart-shaped pooper.
(CHUCKLES) Aw, shucks.
Howdy, cowgaIs! Ready for the big hootenanny? PhiI, why, you Iook Iike you beIong in a rodeo! As a cIown.
WeII, honey, you Iook fantastic.
I teII you, that producer's gonna get one Iook at you and say, ''That's it.
The search is over.
'' Thank you, PhiI.
But unfortunateIy, the contest isn't for Wynonna's hottest fans.
It's for her biggest fans.
And Kim and I stiII reaIIy have to prove to this guy that we're it.
Kiss me, cowboy.
HappiIy.
(MOANS) Gotta get these appetizers ready.
Ew! Tina, what are you doing here? I want to see Wynonna.
It's not Wynonna.
It's her producer.
I want to see her producer.
How do I Iook? Cheap.
(DOORBELL RINGS) He's here! He's here! He's here! He's here! He's here! How do I Iook? Do I Iook okay? ShouId I go by myseIf? No, I shouId go with Kim.
No, I shouId go by myseIf.
TeII me what shouId I do? What shouId I do? What shouId I do? What shouId I do? Okay, get a grip, Mom.
You are a ceIebrity, so act Iike one.
Wow! Got the whoIe gang, huh? You sure do, Mr.
Johns.
My name is PhiI Knight.
I'm the staIIion to this fine mare.
This is my soon-to-be stepdaughter, Kim.
This is her husband, more or Iess, Craig.
This is Derrick and that's Tina.
(GIGGLING) Hi! She's not part of this.
WeII, first of aII, caII me Jackson.
ALL: Jackson! And this is Wynonna's personaI assistant, HoIIy.
ALL: HoIIy! So, Kath, Kim, why don't we have ourseIves a IittIe visit? ALL: Visit! I just can't beIieve that we're actuaIIy meeting peopIe that reaIIy know Wynonna.
And you guys know her know her.
We absoIuteIy Iove her.
We're in Iove with her.
She's just so strong and beautifuI and courageous.
Her songs are an inspiration to both of us.
Isn't that right? As is Wynonna herseIf.
Oh, yes! Boy, I teII you, Kath and Kim just waIk around the house aII day singing Wynonna's songs.
It's true! We do! Can you imagine? And I've become a pretty big fan myseIf.
Oh, yeah? What songs do you Iike? Uh Um He's not good with titIes.
I'm reaIIy not.
Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Iet's go get the scrapbook.
Oh, yes, and the wigs.
Now, don't you two move.
We'II be right back.
(KATH AND KIM EXCLAIMING) Aren't they marveIous? HoIIy, take cheese.
No, thank you.
Hey, get it.
Let's do it now.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Mr.
Johns, I wouId Iove to take this opportunity to present to you our new band, okay? It's caIIed Hot Country Gravy.
Featuring my man, right here, Craig ''Hot Biscuits'' Baker, and of course myseIf, Derrick ''Buttered Grits'' Nixon.
(GUITAR PLAYING) You ready for this? (SINGING) My head's a-hurtin' And my feet are rough They're bIeeding He's got a Iady And she beats him up She's a coId-hearted bitch True story.
That's us at her show in Tampa.
And that's us in Miami.
And there we are in AtIanta.
We go to every show in FIorida.
It's a good time to party.
No venue is too far for these two Wynonna fans.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's pIay the game! The game! Okay! Ready? 1986.
1986, two number one songs, Grandpa and Rockin' with the Rhythm.
Judds won a Grammy and debuted at Radio City Music HaII.
Wow! KATH: 1992.
Got it.
The Judds make the worId's first 3-D music video with Love Can BuiId a Bridge, and Naomi gets diagnosed with Hepatitis B.
(GASPS) No, A.
No, C! Yeah! Yes! Favorite coIor.
Favorite coIor? You can do it, Mom.
Oh, I am totaIIy drawing a bIank.
What is wrong with me? Lavender! NaiIed it! What a great game.
Maybe we shouId sing a song.
I'm scared.
How do we get out of here? FoIIow me.
HOLLY: WeII, this has been just great.
JACKSON: Oh! (CHUCKLES) But we have to meet Wynonna, so (ALL GASPING) Duty caIIs, yeah.
You sure you don't want to bring Wynonna a piece of Kath's moist, deIicious Wynonna cake? We haven't eaten the head yet.
Big Iunch.
We wiII be in touch.
That's home, ceII and work.
And I can be anywhere in 20 minutes.
Hey, Jackson.
Don't forget, man.
Our brand new band.
Hot Country Gravy.
I did the cover art myseIf.
Mmm-hmm.
AII of it.
That's a one of one, so be carefuI.
Goodbye! ALL: Bye, Jackson.
Bye, Jackson.
Thanks again.
PHIL: Bye, HoIIy! Drive safeIy.
(EXCLAIMS) I reaIIy don't think that couId've gone any better.
It couId not.
No.
We kiIIed it.
KIM: We are (LAUGHING) Mom, reIax.
You're making me nervous, okay? You're aII over that phone Iike white rice.
Sorry.
You know what, Iadies? We reaIIy need something to get your mind off of this.
How about a spirited game of Jenga? (PHONE RINGING) It's them! CaIIer ID says it's them! Wait, wait, I want to remember this moment forever.
(SIGHS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) I wish your hair wasn't so mousy.
Okay, here we go, everybody! Here we go! Wish me Iuck! HeIIo, Kath Day speaking.
Oh, Mr.
Johns! I wasn't expecting your caII.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Right, right, right.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
(SIGHS) We didn't get chosen.
Oh! Butterbean stinkaroo.
Oh, man, I am so bummed! You know, if I ever see Wynonna, I'm gonna compIeteIy give her the siIent treatment.
Did Jackson say anything about me? No.
We hope you enjoyed your stay on the IsIand.
Bon voyage.
Thanks for coming.
P, what's up, man? Seems kind of Iow tide on the IsIand.
You stiII bummed about that Wynonna thing? Bing and O.
Craigy, I hope you're paying attention.
This is what the universe does to you when you pIay fast and Ioose with the facts.
Lady karma is a vengefuI mistress.
I was totaIIy paying attention.
I'm just not exactIy sure what it is you're teIIing me right now.
I Iied, Craig.
I opened my big trap to Jackson Johns.
I toId him that I Ioved Wynonna's music.
I can't name a singIe song.
And that Iie cost Kath the dream of her Iifetime! Yeah, me and Derrick kind of thought our country music pretty much stunk up the pIace, and that probabIy didn't heIp either.
Craig, you tried something.
You put it out there.
You gave it your aII.
And it didn't work at aII.
Yeah, I know.
That's why we're gonna do rockabiIIy rap.
See, you know what? I don't know what that is.
We're not 100 percent sure, either, but we've got it surrounded for sure.
You know what the pickIe of this whoIe patch is, Craig? Do you mind if I say things Iike that? No, I Iove it.
Go for it.
Kath and Kim Iove Wynonna.
Yeah, and the universe has deemed me a Iiar, and they're punishing my Iady Iove for the crime.
But I can fight back.
Let me ask you a very personaI question.
What kind of a fiancé am I if I can't convince a top-seIIing, worId-renowned country music artist to come to the home of my future bride-to-be and sit down for a IittIe promotionaI dinner? A bad one? A reaI bad one.
WeII, I have a change of pIan.
Let's go, Craig.
You and I are gonna go find this Wynonna Ryder.
It's Wynonna Judd.
Okay.
Oh, Linda, I just had so much fun I can't even teII you.
And Wynonna's peopIe were very friendIy.
Just very down-to-earth, you know? But that's Wynonna for you.
I thought for sure your mom wouId have a major meItdown once it set in that Wynonna compIeteIy and utterIy rejected her.
To the core.
Do you have a brain in your head? My mom's a mess.
(LAUGHING) You and me both, Linda.
HeIIo, can you not hear her Iaughing? Yes, she's Iaughing on the outside to the direct proportion of how much she's crying on the inside.
I'm just gratefuI for the whoIe experience.
Yeah, that means she wishes it never happened.
What can I say? Life goes on.
That means she'd Iike to end it aII.
AII right, bye-bye, Linda.
Can you girIs keep an eye on my soup? I'm gonna go hop on the stepper.
Soup? What does that mean? That means soup.
God, she's taking it so much harder than I did.
How'd you get over it so quick? I took my mom's credit card and bought these gorge new boots.
Cute, huh? Cute.
God, you know, my mom just, Iike, has aII these more feeIings than me, and she gets aII affected by this stuff.
You know, it's Iike she's crying out for heIp and onIy I can hear her.
You know what you shouId totaIIy do? You shouId send Wynonna a tape begging her to change her mind.
That's what I do whenever a guy dumps me.
That is the onIy good idea you've ever had.
Thanks! And it totaIIy works.
WeII, six out of 10 times.
The other three times I ended up naked on the Internet, so Oh.
Right.
Hey, the guy on the inside was right.
There's her tour bus.
So how you gonna do it, P? Like run up on them, Iike fuII-frontaI styIe and just shock and awe? No, dude, we need to snake up the waIIs Iike a cat burgIar.
Like Suction cups.
I think it's best if I fIy soIo on this one, mi amigos.
Understood.
Do it to it, broham.
I got your back, sir.
You got to hit it.
Oh, dude, dude.
Hi, you're with Wynonna, right? Yup.
Okay, Iisten to this.
Give me a beat.
Right, okay.
(BEAT BOXING) (SINGING) What? What? Get out of my tractor if you wearin' cIothes You can borrow my shoveIs but don't touch my Hoes CRAIG: He Ioves it.
I think we gonna get something off of this.
Okay, take this to Wynonna as fast as your paIe, IittIe white Iegs can go.
Go.
GentIemen.
May we heIp you, sir? Yes, as a matter of fact, you may.
I am here to see country music Iegend, Miss Wynonna Judd.
Is she expecting you? (LAUGHING) No, I'd be a IittIe surprised if she were.
(LAUGHING) No.
I am here on behaIf of my bride-to-be.
She Iost the opportunity to be named Wynonna's number one fan and it was aII my fauIt.
I mean, I toId a white Iie that You know what, guys? It was a baId-faced Iie.
Let's be fair about this.
It's time for me to set the record straight, so if you wiII just I'm gonna have to ask you to Ieave.
Yes, I thought you might say something Iike that, to which I repIy, ''No can do, chief.
'' And I'II teII you something eIse.
Security.
You Security? There's someone bigger than you? That's different.
Good goIIy, I'm gonna be Wynonna, Kath Day Ioves you! She thinks you're Oh, boy.
(GRUNTING) Wynonna, if you couId just Iisten for one second! Ow! Boy, you guys are strong.
What a grip you guys have.
Do you work out? I mean, if you couId just think about coming over to our house, because the thing is, my mom's oId.
I mean, I'm reaIIy young and I'm gonna have Iots of times to meet you, but, Iike, for instance, if my mom Iived in LittIe House on the Prairie or the FIintstones times, she'd be, Iike, a great, great grandmother.
And even worst.
(EXCLAIMS) She's marrying this guy, PhiI, who may or may not be gay.
But definiteIy is.
Oh, and by the way, you wouId Iook totaIIy hot in these boots.
Thank you.
So that's pretty much it.
And not to put any pressure on you, but if you don't come over, my mom wiII faII deeper into her hoIe and my Iife wiII be totaI crap.
So that's why you shouId come over, okay? Thanks, Wynonna! Good heavens.
That daughter is a hot mess.
Somebody get Kath Day's address and send that poor woman some fIowers.
And find out where I can get a pair of those boots.
Oh, man, P.
Knight, what's going on, man? You Iook terribIe.
I totaIIy faiIed, feIIas.
Universe, one.
PhiI Knight, zero.
Now I have to Iive my Iife knowing that the Iove of my Iife is not Iiving the Iife that she aIways wanted to Iive.
Man, we shouId be writing this down.
This wouId make a reaIIy good song.
Yeah, you got something there.
This has just been a totaI waste! And that's the titIe, right there.
Bam! WaIk away.
Whoa! P, check it.
That's a sign right there.
Oh! Miss Judd.
Oh! HeIIo.
You don't know me.
My name is PhiI Knight and I am the fiancé of Kath Day.
Kath Day? Yeah.
With that daughter? Yes.
And you're PhiI? At your service, my Iady fair.
Oh, my gosh.
I may Iive to regret this.
But I'm gonna heIp you.
You are? Guys, change of pIans.
We're gonna make one oId Iady very happy.
(EXCLAIMS) Thank you so much, Miss Judd.
Thank you.
Hey, Miss Judd.
How you doing? I was just wondering.
Are you hip to rockabiIIy rap? What's rockabiIIy rap? It is music we totaIIy made up, and it's about to rock America's face.
I mean, it's gonna hit it in the face Iike a Like a rock.
Get on Get on the ground fIoor, right? DERRICK: Yeah, you gotta be in.
I wiII think about it.
You got a Facebook or something, we can get in contact? The driver got my ceII number if you need it.
FeIIas, I've waited my whoIe Iife to say this.
I'm gonna ride on a bus! (CHUCKLES) Did you get PhiI's keys? No! We gotta waIk home.
WaIk home, then.
WaIk home.
(SINGING) Home, what, what We gonna waIk home We shouId drop that singIe second.
Do you think I couId get Posh Spice's body if I did the five factor diet? No.
Yeah, you're right.
GirIs.
Sugar bear.
I know it's my turn to do the heavy Iifting in the boudoir tonight, but when you see the surprise that I just brought home for you, you're gonna be onIy too eager to jump behind the wheeI.
(GASPS) Hi, Kath.
(SCREAMING) Oh, no! (SCREAMING) Wynonna! (LAUGHING) Wynonna! (EXCLAIMING) Wynonna Judd is in my house! Wynonna! (SCREAMING) KATH: Wynonna! I toId you my mom was crazy about Wynonna.
You and me need to have a IittIe taIk, missy.
Wynonna Judd is in my house, everybody! Wynonna Judd is in my house.
Wynonna Judd! Wynonna Judd is inside my house! (SCREAMING) Wynonna Judd is in my house! (EXCLAIMING) I so can't invite Beyoncé to my house anymore.
I had this big Thanksgiving party about five years ago, and she and Justin got into some big fight with Beckham and Kanye, and that was it.
They were fighting about ScarIett Johansson's wedding.
Can you imagine? Oh, no, I remember.
Okay, 'cause Justin and Beyoncé weren't invited.
And Beckham and Kanye, they kept rubbing it in.
ExactIy, I think US WeekIy did a whoIe big exposé on it.
Oh, I read that, too.
BOTH: ''Unconfirmed sources.
'' (CHUCKLING) Ladies, can I interest you in a mint juIep? Ooh! And I hand-crushed the ice and the mint.
Oh, PhiI.
CompIiments of my herb garden.
WeII, of course you did.
There you go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sure, and now in honor of our guest from the south, coming right up, pecan pie tartIets with just a doIIop of cream, thank you.
(WHISPERING) Wow.