Kitchen Confidential (2005) s01e12 Episode Script

I believe that change is good.
Especially if that change means that your new boss can't find her ass with both hands.
Wake up, buddy.
It's daylight in the swamp.
It's the dawn of a new era, my friend.
No more Pino.
We can do whatever we want.
We rule Nolita.
And all the world will rejoice.
! Whoo-hoo! He's rejoicing up there.
I can feel it.
Probably dancing in his underwear.
I'd better run upstairs, check it out.
Just- He thinks I'm weak, that I don't have the stones to be an owner that I'm gonna be needy and weepy and start with the emotional eating.
- Pass the nuts.
- Oh, no! No nuts! You-You can do this.
You went to Cornell Restaurant Management School.
So you pull up your panties, you blow out that snot locker and you be the best boss you can be.
No nuts for Mimi! - He's coming down? - You're late.
I can't be late.
I'm Jack.
The day starts when Jack gets here.
Which is why I'm not late either.
Sorry, boys.
It's a new regime.
So all the slacking,jacking and macking that you used to do is a thing of the past.
Ooh, bossy - that's an adorable color on you.
Mmm, employee - it's a good color on you.
- Oh, thanks.
- Jack.
! Can I see you for a second? - Oh, someone's calling.
- My employee.
Hey.
- I'm gonna kill her.
- Why? What? Uh, what? Evidently there's a manual of some sort.
Anybody with hair over three quarters of an inch long has- God, I hate myself right now! Oh, dude! - Do not laugh at my shame! - I'm not.
I'm laughing at your hairnet.
This is the job wheel.
Each week you will perform the task that corresponds to your name until this place is spotless and up to my standards.
And, Steven, put some pants on.
You're hangin' brain.
I don't believe it.
This is not a new era.
You said I could walk around here with my pants off! Guys, don't worry about it.
She's about to feel the full force of the jackhammer.
God! You are so pretty! All right,Jack.
First you buy me ice cream- Actually, it's called affogato.
Now you're telling me I'm pretty.
You're working an angle.
I'm not - I'm not working an angle.
- Hey, you know why I got you affogato? - No, why? Because " affogato" tell you how much I like you.
- What do you want,Jack? - Running a restaurant on your own is a huge responsibility.
It's normal to be a little scared.
I'm not scared.
Why would I be scared? Well, I mean, you have a degree, but you have absolutely no practical experience.
And my cuisine has already proven itself.
So if the restaurant fails, it's all gonna be on you.
Panic time! No, no, no, no, no.
No panic.
I'm an owner.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm here to share the burden.
No one - Look at me.
No one should have to face this huge, terrible responsibility on their own.
- That's good.
You wanna eat that fear away.
- Okay.
We're gonna be a team on this little ride.
Side by side, hand in glove.
- We're gonna be partners.
- Partners.
- Yeah.
- Partners.
- That's what I got.
Oh! - Aw! Hey, guys, we got the run of the restaurant.
Yeah, the kitten's been fixed.
Yeah! - Yeah.
! - Nice! Did you give her the, uh, "share the burden" speech? She fell for it like a kid down a well.
Brilliant.
I look forward to ignoring her like a kid down a well.
Oh.
! What about the, um - thejob wheel? Oh, screw the job wheel,Jim! I'm gonna get you guys everything you've always wanted and Pino refused to get us.
I'm gonna build you the restaurant I've always dreamed of.
- I want Malpeque oysters.
- I want a top-of-the-line meat slicer.
- Done and done.
- Crystallized flowers? Gay and done.
And, uh, my own dish on the menu? - I'll give that serious consideration.
- Out of the question? - It's way out.
- Yeah.
Jack? - Jim.
- Hey.
- You're like a cat.
- Sorry.
How come you're not wearing shoes? Oh, it saves the broadloom.
- The what? - The broadloom.
- Okay.
- Listen,Jack um, can I talk to you about something kind of personal? - Yeah.
Sure, kid.
Make yourself at home.
- Okay.
- Love is so strange.
- Jim? Sit up.
- I kissed Tanya.
- What? - Our Tanya? Smoking hot Tanya? - Yeah.
- Jim, are we gonna get sued for this? - I don't think so.
Um, she started it.
There was tongue.
- What? - Yeah.
You kissed her with tongue? Oh, my God.
Oh, you can't tell Seth.
- If Seth finds out you kissed Tanya, he's gonna flip out.
- You kissed Tanya? - With tongue.
- Oh, oh, I gotta tell Seth.
I gotta tell Seth.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no! - What? - No, no, no, no.
Absolutely-Absolutely not! - Why? - Seth is in love with Tanya.
- Yeah.
- And a jealous Seth is a dangerous Seth.
- Oh.
Remember what happened with that hostess at the Dreadnought? - Tonight's specials- - You nailed my Nina! Where's your Nina now? Huh? Whoa, whoa! No, no, no! What's so funny? That guy didn't nail Nina.
I nailed Nina.
What? This guy, I'm telling ya.
The point is, Seth finds out, he kills Jim, he goes to jail.
We're out two chefs! What're we gonna do? You can cut fish! - What are you guys doin'? Makin' out in here? - Yeah.
You guys give me static.
Dog pile on Jim! No! Oh, whoa! Children,just remember what UncleJack said.
Spending is strictly limited to $3,000 apiece.
Uh - Uh, all right, $5,000 apiece.
Uh - Oh, sod it! You can have what you flippin' want! Ooh! Hey, guys, guys, guys, where's Jim? He's missing Christmas.
- Jim? Are you okay? - What? Uh, here.
- I wanted to get you something.
- Is it my birthday? - No.
Is it? - No.
Okay.
Um, listen.
We haven't really talked since the whole, uh kissing with tongues event.
But, uh "affogato" tell you that it was fun.
Affogato? Okay.
It was more than fun.
But I think that we-we might want to be a little discreet because- Ooh! What-What-What? What's goin' on with you two? - Nothing, nothing, nothing.
- We kissed with tongues.
- Tanya! - Oh, my God! So do you like her? Dude, she's standing right here! I know! Look at her.
She's gorgeous.
Oh, no, no.
Don't say that.
No, you are.
She is.
She is.
Listen, I gotta go.
- Bye.
- Ouch.
Hey, come on, guys.
I gotta go! - Ow, dude.
! - What's goin' on? Jack, something terrible's happened to the credit card.
- I'll take care of it, Sundance.
- Uh- - What happened here? - Oh, hey, partner.
Let me get that for you.
What? No.
No! That-That- That's bad for the card.
Yeah.
Evidently someone just tried to charge Despicable, huh? - Well, in their defense, I mean, they really deserve that stuff.
- You worked me.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I soothed you.
- Don't touch me.
The truck is leaving with all the toys.
Join me in my office, won't you? What the hell did you do to my office? You said we were gonna share.
What are you doing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I - No.
There's no sharing.
I don't share, okay? Well, then I guess you're not gonna have an office.
Okay! Great shift, people! Attaboys all around! But the award for the employee of the night has got to go to our star dishwasher, Ramon Delacruz! Yeah.
! Ramon, come on out here and claim your hat.
Ramon managed to cram six more plates per load into the rinse rack.
All right.
Looks good on you, buddy.
- I'd like to cram a load into her rinse rack.
- What? Ramon, everybody! Whoo! Okay.
So since the, uh job wheel seems to have "disappeared" I need a few volunteers to come in early tomorrow morning and give this place a good scrub down! - Teddy? - Can't.
- Because? - Just can't.
- Seth? - Nope.
- Jim? - Sure.
I mean- I mean, no.
No.
Would I get a hat? Okay, then.
So- Okay.
Who threw pork at me? - Oh! - No, I love you guys.
You guys are great.
You stuck by me.
- Ah? - I love that.
As long as we stick together, guys she's powerless.
- Oh! - Cameron, what am I gonna do? As long as they stick byJack, I'm powerless.
You gotta give the chefs something that they want, butJack is unable to give them.
- Sex? - Make them feel like they're valuable and you'll get what you want, hmm? Cameron, that is a hat-worthy suggestion.
Honey, nobody wants a hat.
I think Tanya's giving me the signal.
I think she's warmin' up to me.
Mm-mmm.
If by warming, you mean indifferent, I concur.
Look, I'll admit there's some awkwardness, but it's all part of the dance, you know? It's like a souffle.
You know, given the right time and temperature it crests over the ramekin, giving birth to a crusty golden dome.
You've been asked several times not to use the souffle metaphor.
Jim, I got a shot with Tanya, right? I think you have a shot with everyone.
I - I'm no threat to you.
You know what? I'm sick of hearing about your crusty golden domes and how she's warming to you.
- Just make your move already.
- Okay.
Here it comes.
Buddy? Buddy? Buddy? What's the matter with you? You're sandbaggin' the kid.
Come on.
- You know Jim hooked up with Tanya.
- Wait.
Jim hooked up with our Tanya? - Oh, dear.
- So, uh, listen, Tanya- Oh, God! What is it? Oh! Oh! Thank God for that.
Saved him from makin' a total fool of himself, huh? White Piedmontese truffles.
Oh, that smells incredible.
- You must've spent like- - Ten grand.
It's an investment in you, in your future, in our future together.
Sweetheart, I don't buy that crap.
I sell it.
If you think you can outflank me, you're wrong, 'cause I know all the angles.
We're, uh, ready for you to judge, Mimi.
- Judge what? - The appetizer competition.
Well, it was tough.
You all made very unique and delicious things.
I certainly enjoyed Seth's peanut-butter-stuffed, grape, deep-fried brioche.
- Thank you.
It's the postmodern P.
B.
and J.
- Oh.
I think Seth should win.
I like you.
Exactly.
Dude,you got my back.
- You got my back.
Come here! - No, don't do that.
And the winner is Steven's wet sandwich! - Yes! - I get it.
Mine's crap because it's raw.
It's fish.
And I didn't get a chance to finish it.
Okay.
- A wet sandwich? That's repugnant.
- No.
No, it's not repugnant.
Actually, it's, uh- it's a cube of Kobe beef with a liquid blue-cheese center.
And, as promised, the winning appetizer will go on tonight's menu.
- All right.
! - Ho! I'm not serving an exploding sandwich.
No.
It's a, um - It's a wet sandwich.
- And it's the winner.
- I can't believe you're falling for this.
- You never let me put anything on the menu.
- That is-That is just wrong.
Guys! We're all partners here, and the menu should reflect that.
Okay! This is totally insane.
And if you venture into the alley, you will see that the toys you wanted and Jack failed to obtain are wrapped in shiny, shiny paper! - Yeah! - Guys.
- Thank you.
- Seth.
Seth.
Hey, guys.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! - Jim, thank God.
Thank God.
- Oh.
- I, uh- - What's up? I haven't had lunch yet.
So I'm just gonna- Jim,Jim,Jim, Jim,Jim,Jim,Jim! Oh, wake up, buddy.
It's daylight in the swamp.
I'm moving on.
She bought you for a wet sandwich.
It's nothing personal.
It's a career move.
So I guess this is it then.
End of the road.
I'll see you when I see you.
I've got nowhere to put this.
- Back upstairs.
- Thanks, mate.
- Morning,Jack.
! - Hey,Jim.
Jim, where the hell are you? I'm in the duct.
Mimi said it needed a good scrub down.
- Jim, you could suffocate up there.
- Actually, it's, uh- it's larger than my room at the "Y.
" And it smells like hamburgers.
- You're not gonna get a hat for this.
- You change my menu.
You take my office.
You stick Jim in the ceiling.
You've gone too far.
! - Because you didn't treat me like a partner.
- I don't want you as a partner.
You see? That's no good for the partnership.
There is no partnership! You haven't put in the sweat that I have, okay? You haven't put in the time.
While I was paying my dues, what were you doing? You were grooming your pony! The hair gets matted.
Anyway, the point is I know what I'm doing! Um, the health inspector's here for a surprise inspection.
Inspection? I didn't know about this.
Yeah.
Um, that's why they call it a surprise inspection.
Huh? God, I am so tired of having to explain stuff to people.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm worried - because I'm sure we're gonna pass.
- So am I.
- Where are you going? - I'm going to get the bribe money.
Bribery? What are you talking about? I'm talking about how you do business in New York City, angel.
Here it is.
Oh, no.
That's the money to grease the cops.
You grease the cops? Who does that? Anybody who knows anything about the restaurant business! This restaurant can pass without egregious malfeasance.
Okay, we get it.
You went to college.
We all know.
There will be no bribery! Then there will be no restaurant.
Hi.
Fran Graumwit, New York Department of Health and Safety.
- I'd shake your hand, but, uh, I already put the glove on.
- Hi.
So you guys met the inspector.
- Yeah! Is now the time that we give her the thing? - No! - Yes, it is.
This is fun, this steamy little love-hate dynamic.
- I know.
- But I'm on a short fuse, so I'll start in the kitchen.
- Okay.
- Just kidding.
That's-That's where I always start.
Thanks.
For a restaurant to pass a health inspection everything has to be perfect.
Every surface spotless, every temperature exact and every walk-in, vermin free.
Basically, it's harder to pass than a six-pound kidney stone.
Look at her there, standing there with her pursed lips and scribbling with her little pencil.
- She's writing a lot.
- More than my therapist.
Well, crazy is only one word.
You know what? That's not helpful to my process.
Sorry, lunch lady.
Tanya kissed somebody with tongue.
- Oh, no! - With tongue? Who? Well, it looks like there are no safety violations.
Everything seems to be up to code.
- Wow.
Okay.
- No surprises there, huh? I just need to finish the report and give it the old John Hancock.
Who'd she kiss? Who? Whoa! Health inspector, ironically, not wearing any panties.
I can see her " gromlette.
" Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Ooh.
How does that feel, my lovely? Mmm.
You're very kind.
Ow.
- All right.
I'll do it.
- Do what? I compromised our friendship.
I betrayed you for a wet sandwich.
So to save the restaurant, I will happily hump the health inspector.
- Steven! - I've slept with much worse for much less.
I'm not gonna have you prostitute yourself to pass a health inspection! You needn't make it sound so ugly.
Listen.
I just want to apologize.
Things haven't gone as planned, and to be honest "affogato" give you something.
That's it? You dropped a Mormon on me.
- What? Okay.
- I'll take that.
- Jim, are you okay? - Yes.
Yes.
Um, I have a contusion which is better than a concussion, so- Do you want me to rub it for you? Oh, God.
Um, listen.
There is something that I would like to say.
And you have to just let me say it because otherwise I would not be able to get through it.
Would you feel better in the coat check? - Actually, yes.
That would be great.
- Okay.
You are fantastic, Tanya.
And never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would even talk to a woman as beautiful as you let alone kiss her.
But I can't be with you because if I am, it would hurt a friend of mine.
And I don't want to be the kind of person that would hurt a friend.
That is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.
Really? Screw Seth.
You put it all back.
I know what you're gonna say.
- You do? - I should never have letJim up there.
I should've let you handle her.
I was way out of my depth.
- We passed.
- Get out! Oh, beads.
Right.
Sorry.
The point is, you- you rode all of us so hard to make this place look great.
- That took guts.
- You bribed her.
- I did not.
- Yeah, you did.
And now you're lying about it to make me feel better.
- You don't know why I lie to you.
- I think I do.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think you don't hate me.
I think you actually respect me.
I think you think too much.
Fine.
But if we're gonna run this place together, we gotta stop working the angles.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Agreed.
No angles.
- No angles.
Not bad.
Okay.
That was clearly an angle.
That was clearly an angle.
Whoa.
Oh, God.
It's just blue cheese.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm really sorry.